Original subtitles

I've got four weddings and a funeral, Notting Hill, 500 days of summer, you've

got mail. Has anyone seen 10 Things I Hate About You? I can think of 15.

What are you doing with all those movies, sweetheart? If my life is a rom

that started when I moved to New York, then the big plot twist, my first kiss

with Gabby, must be about to happen.

I have a funny feeling today is the day.

Movies should not be your only reference for the world, Stan.

Exactly. You have your family here. You can ask us anything.

Okay, then tell me about your first kiss. I kissed your father when we were

skating in Central Park. I wasn't ready, but the social pressure got to me. I

had this odd feeling your father was just no good.

And look how right you were.

What about your first kiss, Dad? I've never kissed anyone.

The mouth has millions of germs, just like a toilet. And you, Mephisto?

I can lick myself.

Why do I need someone else? Cool, I think I'll stick to the movies.

Look, someone's invoking the kiddo. A bag of wackos is it this time. Poor

life's probably in danger.

I think you're saying it too good. You should try sneezing.

It worked! Holy crap, it worked! I'm pretty sure this wimp isn't going to be

Antichrist. Hey, we're all more than we appear to be. You're right, you're

right, that's fair.

Sometimes it's tough. Are you the Antichrist? I mean, theoretically, but

you guys?

Well, that's David, that guy's Wallace, and I'm Foster. You've been invoked

by... The Incel Club, yeah, of Coney Island.

We ain't getting laid. It's not voluntary -o.

Fair, fair, fair, but not voluntary -o.

We were trying to summon you because we need your help. There's something only

you can do. I'm more than happy to. How can I help you? We want to destroy the

whole world!

Of course they do.

not being incels and not getting laid has given us plenty of time to study up

the various satanic sciences.

We know a ton about you, Stan.

We also tried to invoke Surtur, god of fire, who will unleash Ragnarok. The

Nordic Apocalypse! He hasn't shown up yet. This all sounds super cool and

but I was about to have a rom -com marathon, so if it's all the same, I'll

get going. I see a door up there, so I'll skedaddle. I'm going to hit the big

one. What is this? A magical color through which we can control you. We got

on Craigslist for $666.

It overrides all your powers, so don't try anything, Antichrist. Not even your

deadly finger snap. My what? The Antichrist can make people explode with

snap of his fingers. Says so right here in the Necronomicon.

Craigslist.

$666. That's just ridiculous. See? No one's dead.

Yeah, because of the collar. Okay, guys, this has been wild, but I got it.

The collar comes with an app. Sucks. It's still just for iOS, though.

Samuel, we have to find Stan.

Imagine if something would have happened to him out there. Then taking care of

the apocalypse would fall on you. And you're a woman.

That's crazy.

Come on, now. Don't give me that look.

I'm all for equality and all that stuff. But there are some jobs that men are

going to do better that just make sense.

And there are some jobs that women do better. And that seems equal, doesn't

Uh -huh. Some jobs like cooking? Yes, exactly. But like home cooking. All the

great chefs are men, which is odd. Have you noticed that? It wouldn't be better

or worse, just like different. I'm not making any sense, but you'll get it,

though. Sure you do. Anyway, Severus will help you out. Hey there, friend.

I'm here to help you however I can.

He's a very polite boy. We're going to have a great time. By the way, did I

mention I love your look? Because I totally love your look.

I've never heard of incels before. Are there a lot of you? Say you haven't

about the world of incels, oh.

I promise that you've met your fair share, though.

The Joker played by Joaquin Phoenix.

Characters on Big Bang Theory, y 'all know this.

Live action roleplay groups, the best place to go.

That really didn't make it any clearer.

We incels aren't known for being the talkative type, so our sock puppet

will hint the lead.

Hint the lead!

Stan seems like such a great kid.

I'm going to need a personal item to find him. The more it smells like him,

better. How about this T -shirt?

Wow, talk about fresh and clean. Roses and a dash of chamomile, but not really

of Stan.

How about this sock, then? I found it under his bed.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

That's a Stan scent for sure. Do you have a photo of him?

I bet he's got a real handsome look. Sure, that's him there.

Whew, trouble in paradise, huh? I get it. Family relationships can be real

tricky things.

And death shall have no dominion.

Dead men naked they shall be, but one... Hi, I'm Becky, a ghost trapped on this

plane due to unresolved issues in the material world, which is... I'm sorry,

you have no manners at all? I was reciting something. Oh, sorry, sorry, my

With man in the wind. I really didn't mean to interrupt.

Which you just did. Sorry, I guess I did.

Okay, just shut it for five minutes. Okay, totally can't. We go certain home

talking. Will you just stop?

Okay.

And the west moon when their bones are picked clean.

Okay, I can't recite this with you watching, so what's up? Perfect. So I

help resolving my outstanding issues and then I can rest eternally. No, forget

it. No way. Not happening. Move on. I am not interested.

All women are monsters.

They hate men with no abs. And if you're with me, shout yeah!

Let me hear you say yeah!

Hey, you have to shout it. Yeah!

I don't think that's true, though. Okay, maybe it's a little exaggerated, but

that's poetic license.

Oh, you think so? Allow me to introduce you to my old friend. His name is

Virgin, and he's a nice guy.

Hi there.

I'm a good guy with an impressive inner life and talent.

Any girl should love him, right?

But look what happens when he tries to talk to a female.

Nice to meet you. My name's Virgin.

Gross! Why do you look like a squirrel? You have so much jowl and no chin at

all! This was a real conversation, by the way. I haven't been having a lot of

luck with girls.

But sweet Virgin did not give up. On Instagram, he met another girl. They

started to flirt, sending messages and memes.

Oh, God. I'm going crazy.

Is it too soon to send a dick pic?

I'd better send a cartoon gift instead.

Han Solo and Han Not -So -Zolo.

But time passed, and she never, never answered. Poor virgin's heart was

shattered to smithereens.

So he found other socks without a make. The Incel Club, yeah. And together, we

want to burn the world. So we summon the Antichrist.

You can applaud now.

Applaud. I will applaud the performance and the music, but not the content.

What if... stand even done to be a good antichrist oh right be the son of satan

so it's sexism and nepotism sorry to rant about this it's not your fault it's

all right i'm happy to listen you have a nice and mephisto exact same why do i

have to do everything while that damn cat just spends all day licking his ball

oh yeah who'd do something like that you know what this time he's not getting

out of it could you please just vanish even a little bit faster sorry i'm

all the way down

Who's calling?

2002, and they want their phone back. I hate this stupid thing. I only use it

for emergencies.

Shit, it's Sam I .L. Hello, Sam, how are you?

Terrible. I'm terrible. I have to find Stan, and you're going to help me. Oh, I

would love to help, but I have a prior commitment.

Let's see what shit excuse he's invented now. Sorry, I sort of promised I'd help

this ghost. She needs to resolve her issues if she's going to rest in peace,

right? Ah, yeah.

Yeah, sure, sure. That's right.

Yeah. You know how it is. Diabolical commitments are unbreakable. We got a

reputation to keep up. Next time. You're the worst kind of cat, Mephisto.

That's how you end a conversation.

Can't do anything like that on an iPhone.

Enough already.

Let's get on with destroying the world. Open the apocalypse box. Let's unleash

some chaos.

Oh, no. I'm not going to open the apocalypse box. Stop it, Hans. Come on.

useless to resist, Sam.

It's got to be something you want to do more than destroy the world. Well, yeah,

but it's way more complicated.

Tell me.

I'll do anything.

We want to get laid.

See? Honestly, you'll just end up destroying the world first.

Okay. Okay.

Okay, I'll do it.

I'll get you laid. You might not be Adonis' but you must have good things

inside. All we gotta do is bring them out and love will find a way.

We don't want love. We want to fuck.

We want to fuck.

Of course they do.

I think I have the perfect solution for your problem right here.

I give you the greatest romantic comedies of the last 20 years.

Love Actually, Four Weddings, we got Twilight.

We're going to watch them, analyze them, then watch them again until you three

have become not quite so attractive Hugh Grants with no social skills or natural

charm.

Okay,

we got a lot of work to do.

So step one is we find out what you left undone before dying. There was a show I

didn't finish.

That doesn't count. There's way too many.

I was getting laser hair removal done and missed the last session. What's

with having hair?

Nothing, which is why I stopped going. I was kind of doing it more for the

patriarchy than for myself.

Maybe it'd be easier if we knew exactly when you died.

It's kind of a bit blurry.

I was getting kind of flirty with this guy and didn't realize I crossed on a

light. The green hair suits you. Thanks. I changed it up a bunch.

Sorry, go on. I was about to hit send when this electric car hit me.

Electric cars, they're fucking killers. You can't hear them. They're just like

ghosts. Wait,

I got it. It's because you didn't send the message. That's what you left

unfinished. He must have thought I was ghosting him. Double ghosting!

Wow, what a marathon. We laughed and we cried and we were moved in our hearts

and most of all, we learned something, right?

Yeah! Great. For example...

500 days of summer.

What did that teach you? That if a girl says she wants nothing to do with you,

you have to insist, and if she still says no, you write a movie to call her a

little bitch? Great lesson. No, no. No, I mean, I guess that's a way of saying

it, but what about when Harry met Sally? What's the lesson there?

That no matter how hard you try, men and women can't be friends. That's a good

one. Okay, how about Twilight?

That 140 -year -old can totally hook up with a 16 -year -old girl. And in the

notebook? Threatening to kill yourself is totally cool in order to get a date.

While you were sleeping?

Lying is good.

Well, maybe they're not perfect, but they do teach us something.

Any moment can be the moment you meet your soulmate if you're up to it. That's

why we're going to perform some of the legendary scenes in these films so when

love comes knocking, you can answer the door.

But how is that going to help us, Buck?

I thought you were supposed to have three heads.

A lot of people tell me that. I think it's actually some kind of idiom or

something kind of like, oh, he's so smart, it's like he's got three heads.

I've never heard anybody say that.

No? Like, he's so lazy, he's got three butts.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's not a thing either.

You sure? I feel like people say it a ton. Listen, I don't want to question

commitment to the mission here, but shouldn't we maybe be looking for Stan

now? Yeah, sure, and we totally will, but I just needed a quick rest. That's

just what happens with women, you know?

We're so fickle. Because, of course, if you want something done right, you have

to entrust it to a stupid man.

So I sense there's something else going on here, but right now Stan could be

getting tortured. He may be in real danger.

Mm -hmm.

Look, let me just finish my smoothie, and then we'll totally go rescue him,

okay?

Great! Right, so this is the scene where Julia Roberts meets Hugh Grant in

Notting Hill.

It's this beautiful metaphor for love hitting you right when you least expect

it. You, Hugh, run into Julia and spill your juice on her. And the juice is a

metaphor for semen because sooner or later she's going to end up full of

That's subtle. No! What? No one thought about it like that. Well, I don't think

it is.

Never mind. You, Wallace, walk in distracted, totally in your own world,

run into David and...

To music and action.

I'm so sorry. It's totally juice and not semen. Although, if you think about it,

if things go well, it could be semen a little later on, you know?

Sorry, sorry. I got way into character and realized you're disgusting.

You're going to die a virgin, and I need you to know that. Okay, this is a

nightmare. This isn't easy. Honestly, I think you're doing surprisingly well.

All right, how about we try another scene?

This is a moment from the end of Love Actually where What's -His -Name from

Walking Dead declares his love for the girl from Pirates of the Caribbean with

these beautiful signs he's written out to tell her how he truly feels.

Music and action.

David rings the doorbell and wallets open.

Don't say anything.

To me, you are perfect.

A beautiful moment. I like you because you're young and hot.

No, please don't do this. I'm into you as a trophy.

You give me status.

No. I'll love you forever.

Until you get fat and old.

Oh, come on.

Can I come all on your face, girl? Shut up! What the heck is up with you?

I'm trying to express my feelings.

This is the problem. You guys are unattractive on the outside and you're

absolute monsters on the inside.

Well, not you, Foster. You're doing okay. Don't get too cocky there, Stan.

You're not too different from us.

No, I am absolutely nothing like you lunatics.

This is the hardest I've ever worked in my life. And I got Nicolas Cage and

Oscar. Your phone better be down here. My last words were to ask that me and my

phone were buried together.

You people spend your whole lives looking at those tiny screens.

What about the world?

I found it. Send him a message and we'll end this.

Oh, right.

I am kind of a ghost.

You'll have to send it. I will never use one of those fucking things. No way.

But if you don't, then I'll never rest.

Well, then that's just tough. It's just a message. What's the big deal? A

thousand times no. It's a text. Why do you care? I can't do it, okay?

These damn things aren't designed for cat paws, and I can't write on them.

I just tried to type hello. What the fuck is that?

Dana, I don't hate technology.

Technology hates me.

It's okay. I can probably just give him the message in person.

Facial recognition doesn't work either. My face is in regulation.

This handsome face.

Dan got in a real mood. It's the same we didn't get Surtur. If we could totally

trust a fire demon, that would be so dope.

Sorry. I was trying to get through GTA and totally missed your invocation.

Who disturbs the rest of Surtur, Lord of Flame?

No,

this is going to be awesome.

No, no.

You're not at all like them.

Maybe they're right, though. Maybe it is better to end all humanity.

I'm so sorry. Dan.

Gabby. Sorry. I guess I got a little of the soup on you. Well, it's not soup.

It's menstrual blood. That is definitely weird. I'm on the way to a protest to

demand that all feminine hygiene products be made free immediately.

They absolutely should be free. Do you want to come? You don't need menstrual

blood. Really, any blood will do. Although, I guess I could have done red

but hindsight is always 20 -20. Hey, you get back here.

I would love to go protest with you, but I have some things to take care of

first. Fair enough. I'll see you around. Sure.

Yes, I think a world with Gabby may be worth it.

Stan is nearby, and I'm sensing he's a great guy in great danger.

Do you want to take a hot air balloon ride?

Sam, I'm sorry if I'm a bit blunt, but do you really want to save Stan?

That's not an easy question.

Well, actually, I think it's incredibly easy. Want to tell me why you hate him?

I hate him because he's a stupid cishet white man, and I'm fed up with them. I

don't know much about Stan, but I know his father is Satan, so that makes him a

cishet white demon, yeah?

Fine, I guess so. Whatever you say.

And he seems more pink and fleshy than white. Fine, a pink cishet male demon.

I'm really starting to not like you so much.

She didn't write back after that banger of a Han Solo meme? That shit's

hilarious. So you get what we're trying to do?

Yeah, you guys have to put up with a lot.

Chicks, dude. They're like another species entirely.

My ex is a friggin' psycho. I'm happy to help you guys out.

No trouble at all.

I've made a decision.

You can do what you want to me, but I will not help you destroy humanity.

No worries, man. Yeah, this guy's gonna do it way better.

Pardon me, just who the hell are you?

I am Surtur, sovereign of Muspelheim, fated to unleash the apocalypse of

mythology. Maybe you know me from Thor Ragnarok, Taika Waititi's best film, if

do say so myself.

You an insult too?

What? No, I'm the, I'm the Antichrist.

Boom! The Antichrist! A pleasure, man. I'm a big fan. Look, bro, I'm not trying

to take your job. So if you want to destroy the world, then... No, I don't.

this one's on searcher. Let's go!

No! I don't want any of us to destroy the world.

Guys, you're just misguided. All you need to do is change your attitudes. I

promise you love will come walking down those stairs.

Oh, that's stenched. You guys have to ventilate, you know. Anywho, there's a

named Wallace down here.

I'm Wallace.

Hey, Wallace!

I'm Becky.

Oh, I really was flirting with a girl. I told you guys. But why didn't you

respond to my Han Solo, Han Not -So -Solo meme? Oh, I can't get enough of

one. It's just that good. I was writing back to you when I was hit by an

electric car.

Oh, fuck!

Oh, she wasn't ignoring me. She really wasn't. She was just dead.

Way to get it, man.

There really is hope for all of us. Of course there is. Until I get my message

to you, I won't be able to rest. So if you don't mind... Of course, go ahead.

Okay, here it is. Hello, Wallace.

I'm sorry, but I only wrote to you because I totally mistook you for

from my spinning class.

Goodbye, smiley face emoticon.

I did it! Thank you, Mephisto. It was so great meeting you.

It's so weird that keeps happening.

For real?

Let's just say something random.

Chimichanga. Flame.

Cornette. This shit is crazy.

Anyway, I'll see you around.

Double ghosting!

I want to watch the world burn!

Hold on. No one's going to burn anything.

Yeah, let's go Ragnarok. No chick drug techs, my bro.

If we can't fuck, we're going to run amok. If we can't fuck.

What are we doing in Central Park?

I'm going to unleash Central Park -narok.

Get it? Kind of like Ragnarok.

As far as puns go, that's really weak, my man.

Time to say goodbye to New York.

Kamehameha!

Oh, Dragon Ball, great show.

We only get the dub version.

Asgard is a tough time getting channel.

Kumi, homie!

Yes,

completely. I'm much better. Everybody has a nervous breakdown now and again. I

just need a little... Oh, homie, I just want to go home.

No, you were right.

These views show off an evocative city caught between urban sprawl and natural

beauty, but maybe this isn't the right time to be roaming the clouds.

Central Park really is gorgeous this time of year.

Somebody, how can we go find Stan for fuck's sake?

Okay, okay. Geez, you didn't mean to be such an asshole about it.

Foster, listen to me. You're not like them.

You're right.

Enough, enough.

This is insane.

You think sex is a right, but it's not. You get rejected a few times and want to

burn down the whole world? Not me.

I'd rather no one ever likes me than be this kind of person. I like you, Foster.

We've suffered humiliation at the manicured hands of girls for too long.

heart was broken, just like theirs, and the only fix is burning.

If that girl left you, then she had her reasons. Try to be self -critical. But I

did nothing wrong. I was attentive, I was affectionate. I sent her a photo of

every day.

A dick pic.

He sent me a new dick pic every day.

But it's nice, right? It's a flaming cock.

Every cock is a flaming cock. Look, sir, let me fill you in on this.

If a girl wants a dick pic, and yeah, sometimes a girl does, she's gonna go

ahead and ask you for one. I promise you. Okay, that's a fair point.

You're looking fine, by the way.

How's it going, girl?

I'm doing great.

Totally killing it.

Yeah, so I see.

Could you do me a favor and stop destroying New York? Yeah, I guess.

Wasn't really going to destroy it much. I think I was just looking for your

attention, you know?

Well, you got it.

I'm here.

So is this your number?

No, it's the number of a therapist.

Cool, cool.

I'll give him a call. I think I've got a little too much going on up here.

Peace out, guys.

And you guys, time to freestand. We made a satanic pact. He's ours until the end

of the world. Or until one of you gets what he really wants.

Oh, boy, here it comes.

Guess he's not that head, either.

Heterosexuality is nothing but a social construct. We all exist somewhere on a

spectrum.

My first kiss! I won't die a kiss, virgin!

I'm free!

You see? Like I said, that whole death snap business is total crap.

See, you're doing it wrong. I am?

Seriously, he is the worst snapper.

Thumb to finger, it's easy.

I didn't mean to do it, I swear!

I'm out.

This looks solved to me.

I'm gonna go too, okay?

I like you and all, but I mean you did just kill my two best friends.

I kind of have to process.

Cool. I'll look you up on Insta.

Sam, can we go home, please? You're the Antichrist. You work it out. A real

pleasure, Sam. You're an excellent pink bisexual devil person. It was great to

meet you.

How? I don't understand.

This world is full of pain and suffering.

I feel like a stranger in this jungle. Each concrete step just makes me humble.

Now my breath is caught in my lungs. Breath is caught in his lungs.

This heavy silence has just begun. Silence has just begun. The screams of

who've gone before are all just locked behind my heart's door. Can't try not to

get depressed. You'll never guess what's left of their petty hearts.

Yeah, of course. Wouldn't miss it for the world. Wow, you really committed on

the blood.

Yeah, I, uh... No, I don't want to lie to you, Gabby. This isn't blood for your

protest. It's the remains of two incels I murdered on accident.

Oh.

Well, it still looks good.