Original subtitles

What are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing?

I'd rather not say.

I'm trying to open these cinnamon buns.

Why?

I thought I'd try and do a little baking.

Ah.

You drunk?

A little bit.

Mm. Mm-hmm.

Why is it child-proof?

Are kids o.d.'ing on this stuff?

Have you considered reading the instructions?

Ooh, listen to Mr. College Boy.

"To open, strike sharply on edge of counter."

Really?

Really.

All right. I'll play along.

(British accent): I christen thee H.M.S. Kitchen Table.

Godspeed.

I think we got a bad bun tube.

Gimme.

You just gotta know how to whack it.

I bow to your superior expertise.

So, how come you're all spiffed up?

I've got a date.

Oh, two nights in a row.

So, who's the glutton for punishment?

At the risk of tooting my own horn,

I am actually seeing two different women.

Wow, two women. Yeah.

And yet you're still tooting your own horn.

Hey, you know what's fun?

When you can talk 'em into tooting each other's horns.

I'm not seeing them at the same time.

Well, that makes it more difficult.

But not impossible.

You put the icing on after it comes out of the oven, right?

Right. Drizzle, don't squeeze.

Thus spake the whacker.

So, what prompted this break from serial monogamy?

I don't know, I'm just tired

of putting all my eggs in one basket.

The basket being a woman? Yes.

And the eggs being your bun tube?

No, see, the thing is, when I'm just dating

one woman at a time, if she dumps me...

When she dumps you.

Either way, I have to start from scratch

finding a new woman.

However, when I'm dating two women,

if one of them dumps me...

When one of them dumps you.

Either way, I'm not alone.

Wait a second. Wait a second.

You're saying that it's advantageous

to date more than one woman at a time?

Good Lord, man, you're a genius!

Yeah, ha-ha.

We must tell other men!

Okay, maybe I'm a little late to the party.

A little late?

The girl already jumped out of the cake

and everybody's had a piece.

Well, late or not, I'm here.

And it turns out when it comes to 40-year-old,

divorced moms in the San Fernando Valley,

I'm quite the catch.

I'm not surprised. You're not?

Lights out at fat camp,

a jelly bean is steak tartar.

Hey, I'm single, employed, disease-free, well-read,

cute as a bug and perfectly capable

of pretending to like other people's children.

Impressive.

Do these broads know that

you're dipping your chip in the salsa and the guacamole?

What?

You know, hittin' two pinatas with one stick?

Toppin' off both tanks with the same hose?

Throwin' your balls down two alleys?

Still don't get it?

No, I got it. And, uh, and thank you.

Um... but no, they don't know.

These are divorced Valley moms

trolling for a new schmuck to replace the old schmuck.

And you let them think that might be you?

It's not like I have to lie.

Look at me-- I scream schmuckdom.

They're rising.

It's a miracle.

Yes, the miracle of yeast.

I gotta go.

Go, my son.

Drizzle thy frosting

on the divorced sticky buns of the Valley.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

You're a great cook, Uncle Charlie.

It's no big deal.

Those chefs on TV act

like they're curing leprosy or something.

Can you make meat loaf?

Does it come in a tube?

No-- God-- it comes on a plate.

Can I have some of that?

Beer? No.

Why not?

Because when you're 14,

you don't ask your uncle for beer.

Who do I ask?

I don't know... try hangin' outside a liquor store

and look for a guy wearing house slippers and talking to himself.

What's his name?

You can't have any beer, Jake.

Man, I thought you were cool.

I am. And you know what makes me cool?

The fact that your opinion means less than squat to me.

How old were you when you had your first beer?

13... two... 32.

Yeah, right.

Listen, we're not talking about me.

We're talking about you.

What about me?

Well, it's like this:

Alcohol is for people who can afford

to lose a few brain cells.

Yeah? So?

I rest my case.

What case?

* Men.

(whistling happily)

Morning, buddy.

How do you like your eggs?

In an Easter basket.

Scrambled it is.

Morning. Morning.

Whatcha doing?

Cooking breakfast.

How do you like your eggs?

Sunny side up.

Scrambled it is.

Cooking for Dummies.

No offense, Jake. I'm actually cookin' for everybody.

What brought this on?

I Don't know. I...

thought I'd expand my horizons a bit.

Uh-huh.

What?

I'm just trying to figure out how scrambled eggs

are gonna get you laid.

You and me both.

(phone ringing)

I got it!

Hello?

Oh! Oh, hi, Stephanie.

Yeah, yeah, I, uh, I had a great time, too.

Yes, it-it was special.

I-I don't usually do that on a first date either.

Thank you for letting me do that, by the way.

Uh... Uh... Tonight?

Uh... Oh, gee. Hey, Alan!

How do you like your eggs?

Uh, uh, one sec.

Charlie, Stephanie wants to see me tonight,

but I already made a date with Katie. What do I do?

Scrambled it is.

Uh, uh, the thing is, uh, I already made plans,

uh, with my, uh, you know, son, who I love dearly.

What are we doing?

Nothing. Go away.

Oh, oh, w-what are we doing?

Uh, uh, well, he and I have this, uh, this father-son thing

uh, where once a week, we...

uh, uh... Rent go-karts.

Rent go-karts.

And, uh... and, uh...

Eat pizza.

And eat pizza. And, uh...

And drink beer.

And drink... Go away!

Uh... and, and drink, uh, uh, a lot of water,

which the body needs to, uh, to stay healthy.

Um, anyway, we-we're on for Saturday, right?

Uh, okay, uh, uh, great, great.

Good. I-I'll see you then.

Okay, bye.

We're not going go-karting, are we?

No.

You're using me for your own purposes, aren't you?

Here's $20.

Hey, Alan.

Taste these.

Why does it smell like bourbon?

The book said "season to taste."

Just kidding. I spilled.

N-No, thank you.

Suit yourself.

Hmm...

A little too much egg.

* Men.

Jake, let's go!

I told your mother I'd have you back by 7:00.

Hey, Alan, Alan, Alan.

Would you taste my hollandaise sauce?

You made hollandaise sauce?

You tell me.

You did not make hollandaise sauce.

Damn you, eggs Benedict.

Charlie, why are you doing this?

Doing what?

In the six years that I have been living here,

the only time I've seen you turn on the stove

was to light a cigar.

Yeah, well, people grow, people change.

People get drunk while watching the Food Network.

Jake, let's go!

Uh, I may not

be back till late-- I'm planning

on giving my rose to bachelorette number two.

Wow. Only you could gay up bangin' two women.

Says the man in the apron

with the curdled hollandaise sauce.

So you admit it is hollandaise sauce?

Mom said you could drop me off at Gabe's house so we can study.

Oh. Are you really gonna study?

Sure.

Great.

See that? He respects me enough to lie to me.

Hey, Alan.

Speaking of lies--

at some point,

one of these broads is gonna ask you a question

for which you will have no ready answer.

Like what? Well, it could be

as simple as: "What did you do last night?"

or as tricky as:

"Why is there a pasty stuck to your testicles?"

The point is, you need to be careful.

So you're gonna teach me how to lie to women?

Well, do you know enough to pull the pasty off

and say "Happy Anniversary"?

I do now.

Another thing you need to remember is always answer

a question with another question.

What do you mean? Exactly.

What? Great, you're all set.

Drunk again? Yep.

Well, thank you. I appreciate the advice.

I've got more.

Charlie, please don't take this the wrong way,

but if a semi-functioning wino, such as yourself,

can date several women at the same time,

I'm quite certain I can handle two.

Why would I take that the wrong way?

Ugh! Tastes like stale ass.

* Men.

Is it just me or does this thing we have

feel really, really comfortable?

Oh, yeah.

I mean, you know,

maybe not pet-names- for-our-pee-parts comfortable,

but we're certainly getting there.

Oh, hey, next week, my ex is taking my daughter

to see his parents,

so you and I can spend the whole weekend in bed.

(chuckling) That-that sounds great.

I'll leave myself alone till then.

Oh, oh, oh, wait, wait-- uh, uh, next weekend?

Uh, you know, uh, I'll have to check,

but I-I-I think Saturday is a-a working Saturday for me.

Oh, no. Really?

Yeah, yeah, it's unfortunate,

but in today's economic climate,

Saturday is no longer the Sabbath for anybody

except perhaps very religious Jewish people.

You know, the guys with the beards and the hats?

Did you see Yentl? I love that movie.

That's one I wouldn't mind owning.

Alan, are you seeing another woman?

Charlie, are you seeing another woman?

Why would you ask me that?

I just need to know I can trust you.

Yeah, well, trust is a two-way street.

I know.

Do you?

Because without trust, all we have is sex.

Well, you can trust me, Charlie.

God, I hope so.

I've been hurt before.

Aw...

I won't hurt you. I promise.

Okay, then.

(scoffing): Another woman?!

Yeah.

You think I'm involved with another woman?

Yeah.

You actually think I'm seeing

someone else at the same time I'm seeing you?

Yeah. How did you know?

(phone rings)

Do you need to get that?

Are you crazy?

CHARLIE (on answering machine): Hey, it's Charlie.

Do your thing when you hear the beep.

(beep)

(slurring): Hey, Uncle Charlie, it's me, Jakey.

I'm drunk. How are you?

Are you with a girl? Does she have big ones?

Jake, where are you?

What mall?

They all have pretzel stands, you doofus.

Okay, you stay right where you are,

and I'll come get you.

We'll talk about that later.

(whispers): They're big enough.

I love you too, buddy.

Yeah, we have shared some good memories.

Okay, I'm hanging up now.

Do you have to go?

No, we got time.

* Men.

(door opens)

What the heck took you so long?

Believe me, I came as quickly as I could.

What is that?

It's a pretzel. You want some?

No, thanks.

It's got jalapenos!

Oh, you're gonna regret that.

What do you mean?

You'll see.

Where'd you get the booze, knucklehead?

I did what you told me to do.

Me and Gabe gave money to a creepy guy to buy us beer.

Oh, Jake.

His name was Satellite Jack.

He said the government stole his kidneys.

Is $20 too much for a six-pack?

Not when a guy with no kidneys named Satellite Jack

is buying it for you.

Where'd you get the $20?

It was a bribe from my father.

You're kidding.

I know.

For a cheap guy, he can be surprisingly generous.

That's true.

Deep down I love him.

And I love you, too.

Great. Everybody loves everybody.

So, where's your friend?

Gabe? He ditched me when I started throwing up,

the bat rastard.

Get out of the car. What?

I just had it detailed-- get out, get out, get out.

All right, but I'm tellin' ya I'm all done throwin' up.

(vomits)

I see what you mean about those jalapenos.

Listen, my mom still thinks I'm studying at Gabe's house,

so I don't think I should go home at this time.

What do you expect to do?

I don't know. You up for an R-rated movie?

Boobies, no violence.

Uh-oh.

Step away from the car.

Nope, false alarm.

Wait for it.

Wait for what?

(vomits)

Oh, how about that?

You get any on your shoes?

A little.

There's a plastic bag in the trunk.

Remove your shoes and place them in the bag,

then seal it and put it back in the trunk.

Okay.

Then climb in after it.

Okay.

* Men.

Alan?

Surprise.

I thought you were with your son go-karting.

Yeah, listen, um, I lied about that.

But I can't lie anymore.

I was with another woman, but all I could think about was you.

I'm a one-woman man and, baby, you're that woman.

MAN: Who is it, honey?

Just a salesman. (whispers): Go away.

Wait a minute-- are you seeing someone else? Get lost!

(stammering): I-I thought we had something special.

Who's in there?!

Are you married?

Because I really thought...

(vomiting)

You know, your body's sending you a message.

Yeah, it's sayin' I really should chew my food more.

Look at that shrimp.

You could wash it off and serve it again.

Your body is also telling you that alcohol is poison.

If it's poison, why do you drink it?

Because there are things inside of me I need to kill.

You can't kill bad feelings with alcohol, Uncle Charlie.

Right.

And you can't stuff your emotions with cupcakes.

Believe me, I've tried.

I'm sure you have.

And if you ever need to talk about any of this stuff,

I'm here for you. (vomits)

Good to know.

Whoa, felt that one in my nuts.

ALAN: Hello? Anybody home?

Are you gonna rat me out?

Jake, buddy, how could you even ask me that?

Hey, what's goin' on?

Jake took the 20 bucks you gave him

and got drunk with a friend.

Oh.

Bad boy.

So...

how 'bout a beer?

* Men.

Never... again.

Me neither.

You know what the problem is?

The women, the drinking...

You guys look at me and you think it's easy.

But what you don't see is all the years of hard work

and dedication it took to make me the happy-go-lucky,

drunken, ass-wrangler I am today.

WOMAN: Charlie?

Oh, sorry, baby, I had a little family drama.

Remember, you said if I gave you what you want,

you'd give me what I want.

Oh, right-- breakfast in bed.

How do you like your eggs?

Scrambled.

(softly): Yes!

You know, young man,

if I hadn't have been electrocuted earlier this evening,

you and I'd be having a serious talk right now.

Yeah. Hold on.

(vomiting repeatedly)

* Men.