All language subtitles for Two and a Half Men (2003) - S06E01 - Taterhead is Our Love Child (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 RCVR)

Look at him.

He can type 80 words a minute
with his thumb,

but he can't pee without
hitting the shower curtain.

Fortunately, typing is
a job skill and peeing is not.

Oh, dude, WTH?

Oh, geez.

What?

That woman over there.
We used to go out.

Did it not end well?

It went fine for me.

Although, in retrospect,

I guess I could
have handled our parting

with a little more tact
and sensitivity

and a little less, you
know, banging her best friend.

Oh, God!

Hey, hey, her friend was
a double-jointed sex freak

with daddy issues--
what was I supposed to do?

You're right.
Your hands were tied.

That, too.

So, how long ago was this?

Her or the friend? 'Cause
there was a brief overlap.

Let's go with her.

I don't know.
Eight, nine years.

So maybe she's over it.

Or maybe not.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh

* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
* Ooh
* Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

* Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.

You count to ten,
then scream like a girl

and start giving Jake
the Heimlich maneuver.

Don't be ridiculous.

Charlie?

Hi.

Okay, but if she reaches
into her purse,

I'm using numbnuts
as a human shield.

Hey, Chrissy.
Long time.

I know.

Yep, long,

long time.
Yeah.

Time is a great healer,
isn't it?

Of some things.

Hey, congratulations
on your new career.

Thank you.

It's hard to believe
Charlie Harper

is a children's
singing star.

Well, you know
how much I love kid...

Yep, a long, long time.

Looks like your
little guy enjoys music.

Oh, yeah, he loves it.

He's actually quite
the piano player, too.

Piano? You hear that, Charlie?

The young man plays
piano just like you.

Lots of kids play piano.

So, you still
living in Westwood?

Yeah. Still there.

We just drove down
to spend the day at the beach.

Oh, sure. The beach.

Nice place to visit,

but you wouldn't want
to live there.

Actually, I do live there;
it's not that bad.

Right. Well,
we should get going.

It was nice seeing you.

Nice to see you, too.
Come on, Chuck.

"Chuck."

I heard it.

Lots of kids
named Chuck.

It's a nickname
for Charles, isn't it?

So are Chaz, Chad, Chick
and Charlie. What's your point?

No point. It's just that
you haven't seen that woman

in nine years,
and little Chuck is, uh...

Well, how old do you suppose
little Chuck is?

What difference does it make?

Well, I'd say
little Chuck is, uh...

seven or eight years old,

give or take nine months.

What are you implying?
'Cause I don't know

what you're talking about.
You don't?

Okay, I choose not to.

JAKE:
Oh, crap!

Dad, quick,
we gotta go home!

Why, what's wrong?
My battery died.

Oh, no, wait.

I just turned it off
by accident.

This wouldn't happen
if I had a smartphone.

Do I even need to say it?

So is it just me

or did that kid kind
of look like Uncle Charlie?

* Men.

Hey.
Hey.

* And the cat's
in the cradle *

* And the silver spoon

* Little boy blue and
the man on the moon *

Shut up, Alan.

* When you coming
home, Dad? *

* I don't know when...

It's not funny.

Well, maybe not funny ha-ha,

but certainly funny hee-hee.

That boy was nothing like me.

Well, he didn't have ear hair
and whiskey breath,

but I'm guessing
he'll grow into that.

What's going on?

Well, it would appear that
the ol' spermonator here...

...has fathered a child.

I did not.

How can you be so sure?

'Cause I never
play in the rain

without a slicker and galoshes.

I'm confused.

Where do the galoshes go?

It's just a figure of speech.

Everything that needs
to be covered is covered

when, you know,
covering is appropriate.

I didn't ask
for your life story.

I was just
confused about the galoshes.

You know, Charlie,

even condoms
are only 98% effective.

That's not true.

The hell it isn't.

Haven't you ever read
the package?

Who reads the package?

It's not like a cereal box.

You don't read it while
you're eating.

Yikes.

Come on, Charlie, do the math.

You haven't seen
the woman in nine years

and she's got an eight-year-old.

So what?

You showed up at my door
with a ten-year-old

and I hadn't seen you
in 11 years.

Does that mean taterhead
is our love child?

All right, fine,
stay in denial.

There's no way little Chuck
is your son.

"Chuck"?

Hey, hey, lots of kids
are named Chuck,

play the piano and look
disturbingly like me.

He's right.

In fact, I'm surprised

we're not up
to our asses in 'em.

* Men.

Hey, Russell?
I'm busy.

I've got a question
about these condoms.

I told you, Charlie,

I'm giving you the
best bulk rate I can.

I know, but that's not
what I was...

There's just no way I
can compete with the
big chain stores.

I understand.

So I make it up
in personal service.

I'm sure you do.
I mean, I'm not going

to unroll the damn things
and put 'em on for you,

but short of that,
I've got your back.

And I appreciate it.

But that's not
what I was asking about.

Charlie, times are tough.

People don't get their drugs
from their friendly

neighborhood
pharmacist anymore.

They go on the Internet.

I know.

Sure, trust your mailman

with your heart medicine
and stool softeners.

Russell, have you been hittin'
the free samples again?

What are you, a cop?

No, I'm just a little
concerned about you.

Well, if you're so concerned,
help me out a little bit.

Why don't you buy some
reading glasses

or a neck brace once in a while.

Sure, whatever.

A bag of Skittles
for God's sake.

You know, 'cause my margin
on condoms is bubkes.

Yeah, well,
speaking of condoms,

I just want to know if
somebody could get pregnant

even if you were
wearing a condom.

Have you been talking
to the Wetzel's Pretzels lady?

Because I just gave
her a ride home, that's it.

No, no, no,
no, I mean in general.

What are the odds
that a condom wouldn't work?

Well, there are a number
of things to factor in.

Oh, cough syrup?

I don't have a cough.

Neither do I.

Anyway, condoms.

Whenever you're dealing
with a manufactured product,

there's always going
to be flaws in the process.

Yeah, but aren't they supposed
to be tested before they go out?

Or in?

Well, sure,
but they don't test every one.

They don't?

Masturbating's looking

better and better, huh?

Okay, okay, so bottom line,
what you're saying is

even if I'm wearing a condom,

there's a chance I could get
someone pregnant?

Did you miss eighth grade
health class, Charlie?

Oh, come on,
who went to health class?

Well, amongst others,

a certain self-medicating
pharmacist

who pays alimony
to three different women,

but not one penny
in child support.

All right, all right,
for future reference,

what about lambskin?
Are they more effective?

Well, um, less so than
your latex product.

Now I had to stop wearing
them myself because something

about the smell
made my cat go berserk.

It kind of a cute story.

I don't...
I don't want to hear it.

Not a cat person, huh?

I'm not either anymore.

All right, well, thanks,
Russell. I'll see ya.

Th-Th-That's it?

You're not going to buy
anything?

We've got Wiffle ball bats.

Maybe your little bastard would
like a Wiffle ball bat.

Childproof.

* Men.

Hey.
Hey.

You all right?

No, I am not.

What's going on?

Alan, I have always
conducted my sex life

according to three
simple principles.

One: if at all possible,
ladies first.

Two: it's easier to be forgiven
than ask permission.

And third,
and most important:

the ten seconds it takes
to put on a condom

beats the hell out
of the ten years

you have to pretend
to like soccer.

Except when they don't work.

Stupid tiny disclaimer
on the side of the box.

They should put it
in big letters

right on the reservoir tip.

"Do you feel lucky, dumb ass?"

Yeah, that'd do it.

So, what's your next move?

Well, you'd think if
Chrissy had my child

and decided not to tell me,
I'd just send her a little card.

You know, "Thanks for being
a good sport" or something.

I'm not sure Hallmark
has a deadbeat dad section.

It doesn't matter.

For some reason,
I want to know the truth.

If I have a kid,
I need to know about it.

Of course you do.

Being a father is
the greatest joy there is.

Hey, Dad, where's
the plunger?

Uh, laundry room.

Thanks, I over-wiped.

No such thing, my son.

Where was I?

The joys of fatherhood.

Right.

What? There was a time
when he didn't wipe at all.

Hey, I'm gonna
need a mop, too.

Excuse me.

Father/son moment.

* People, let me tell you
about my best friend *

* He's a warmhearted person

* Who'd love me till the end

* People, let me tell you
about my best friend *

* He's one boy cuddly toy

* My up, my down,
my pride and joy *

* People, let me tell you
about him, he's so much fun *

* Whether we're talking
man-to-man *

* Or whether we're talking
son-to-son *

* 'Cause he's my best friend

* Yeah, he's my best friend...

(humming)

(scatting)

(record scratching, music stops)

ALL:
Daddy's home!

(excited chattering)

ALAN:
Hurry! Hurry!

* Men.

Hey, Jake?

Don't worry.
It's all cleaned up.

Not why I'm here.

You can hardly smell it
at all anymore.

Don't kid yourself.

Although I may owe you a toilet.

I'll put it on your tab.

Now, I want to ask you
a question.

Crumb cake, a frappuccino
and a burrito supreme.

That's not the question.

Oh, yeah, and a tangerine.

That's what killed me.

Are you done?

I hope so, 'cause the toilet
won't flush anymore.

What-What I wanted to ask you is

do you think I've been
a good role model?

Are you kidding?

You drink, you gamble,

you have different women here
practically every night.

You're the best role model
a guy could want.

You think so?

Yeah, they should put your face
on money.

Well, thanks, buddy.

I appreciate it.

Oh, hey, one more question.

How would you feel about
having a cousin?

I've got a cousin.

I mean, another cousin.

What do I need
another cousin for?

Forget it.

What I need is a smartphone
and a new toilet.

(scoffs):
Cousin.

* Men.

Charlie.

Hi.

What are you doing here?

Well, I was in the
neighborhood.

I thought I'd stop
by and say hello

and bring you this.

A Wiffle ball bat.

That's for Chuck.

I got you an
eyeglass repair kit

and some malted
milk balls.

Thanks.

I know it's not much
of a gift, but the guy

that usually sells roses
at the freeway on-ramp,

well, he switched to oranges,

and I didn't know if
you liked oranges.

So anyway,
is Chuck my kid?

What difference does it make?

Well, it makes all the
difference in the world.

How?

Well, for starters,

I'm gonna write a
scathing letter

to a certain manufacturer
of latex products.

But more importantly,

if I'm his dad,
he should know.

He's already got a dad.

Oh, really?
Yes.

We may not live
together anymore

and he may not have
your kind of money,

but he's a good dad,

and he loves Chuck
very much.

So you're just raising
him on your own?

Charlie, you don't have
to worry about him.

He's gotten along
just fine without you

for the last eight years
and so have I.

But wait, Chrissy!

I didn't know!

Boy, you miss one health class.

* Men.

So, Jake,

how do you like
high school?

I'm in eight grade.

I see.

When do you start high school?

Hard to say.

Eighth grade is really
kicking my ass.

Jake, language.

Yeah, language, math,

science, history, phys ed.

I understand, dear.

I can't even find my locker.

All right,
I talked to her.

You owe me five bucks.

He's a good wiper,
and I love him.

Hey, Alan,

I just spoke...
aw, geez.

Good to see you, too, dear.

What's going on, Mom?

Nothing.

I merely stop in
to see my two sons

and my one and only grandchild.

Well, it's...

(groans)

So, Mom,
you're looking good.

Did you have something snipped
or tucked or sucked?

Just eyes and tush.

But nice of you to notice.

Hey, Charlie, did you ever find
out if that kid is yours?

Thanks a lot, Berta.

Oh, dear,
have I spoken out of turn?

Kid?

Yeah, well, it-it-it turns out

that there are flaws
in every manufacturing process

and that includes your everyday
latex products.

I see.

And how far along
is the young lady?

Oh, about eight years.

Eight years
and she's just suing you now?

She's not suing me.

She doesn't want to have
anything to do with me.

Lucky you.

If I were her, I'd have owned
half this house

before the pee stick dried.

Yeah, real lucky.

I got an eight-year-old son

and I'll never get
to spend any time with him.

Oh, sweetheart, look,
take it from me.

Spending time with one's
children is greatly overrated.

Oh, come on, face facts.

Some people are meant to be
parents and some people aren't.

And you have a perfect
example of that

sitting right in front of you.

You certainly do.

Yeah, well,
I think I'd be a great dad.

Well, easy for you to say now
that you've dodged the bullet.

You're right,

talk is cheap.

Remind me to speak to him

about putting this house
in my name

so it can never fall into
the hands of some money-hungry,

manipulative bitch.

That isn't related to him.

* Men.

What do you want now, Charlie?

Look, I can see

why you might not think of
me as father material.

And clearly you've
done a great job

raising Chuck on your own.

I'd just like, if
you'd let me,

to help out a little bit.

Oh.

This is more
than a little bit.

Hey, eight years
is a long time.

What do you want
out of this?

I just want to know that
he's taken care of.

And I plan on sending you
a check every month.

I-I don't know what to say.

You don't have to worry
about me interfering.

Although, there's a couple
of things you should know

for when he gets older.

Like what?

Well, you're gonna want to
lock the liquor cabinet...

But don't forget
that mouthwash

can also pack a
pretty good buzz.

So be on guard for
suspiciously minty breath.

Oh, and if his school nurse
is at all attractive,

you can expect the
occasional hernia.

Thanks for the heads up.

You're welcome.

So, uh,...

Good luck.

You're gonna need it.

Oh, hey.

Jeremy, your mom's here.

Hey, Mom.
Hi, honey.

Hey, where'd you
get that shirt?

Oh, I got it for him.
I hope that's okay.

I love it.

He looks like a
little ladies' man.

So, uh, is this time next
week okay for you?

Actually,

I think my babysitting
days are behind me.

Ciao.

* Men.

Thank you.
You'll see.

It's a great feeling
knowing you're...

you're taking care
of your own kid.

Oh, hey, Mr. Harper.

Hey, Clive, how's
it going?
Great.

All right, Mrs. Melnick, that
should hold you for a while.

Hey, dude.
Hey, dude.

Thanks, Clive,
you're the best.

Come on in, honey.

Thanks, Alan.
Bye, buddy.

Who was that guy?

Oh, that's Clive,
the exterminator.

He's been coming
here forever.

Huh. Hey, Alan,

Mm-hmm.
has it ever occurred
to you...

Hey, Mr. Harper.

Hey, Craig.

Has what ever
occurred to me?

Nothing.

Hey, Mr. H.

Long time no see.