Original subtitles

Darling, what's mine is yours.

We do not need a prenup.

And I just want you to know

I'm not after your father's money.

I'm sure you're not.

Believe me, I got plenty of my own money.

Everything okay? No, no,

everything is not okay.

TEDDY: Courtney, we've been through this.

COURTNEY: What am I supposed to do, live on the streets?

TEDDY: You're supposed to live within your means.

I need $50,000.

(sniffles)

(sobbing): Charlie, what am I going to do?

You're going to take the money from me.

"So long as men can breathe

"or eyes can see,

"so long lives this

and gives life"... (mouthing)

..."to thee." (mouthing)

You may now kiss the bride.

It's hard to believe after all these years

we've got a new stepdad.

I give it six months.

Oh, come on, we like Teddy.

That's why I'm only giving it six months.

I'm rooting for him.

Well, still, y-you have to admit

it was a beautiful ceremony--

the, the bride and groom, the sun setting...

The dead butterflies.

Remind me to call the butterfly people

first thing Monday.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

We don't eat from the cake until we cut the cake.

But I'm still hungry.

Have some cheese.

Have we cut the cheese?

Get it?

Hey, stepbrother.

Change your mind about wanting to marry me?

Not at all.

Want to go upstairs and get a head start on our honeymoon?

You keep rubbing up against me,

I'll be able to catch my mom's garter without my hands.

Charlie.

What?

At your mother's wedding?

Yeah.

I couldn't have.

(Courtney moaning)

Boy, this is pretty kinky.

Kinky good or kinky bad?

There's a kinky bad?

Oh!

Oh, watch your elbow.

That's not my elbow.

Oh, Charlie.

It's not that either.

Daddy?

Ooh, this is awkward.

Daddy, are you okay?

What's wrong with him?

I don't know.

Well?

This might be a mood breaker.

("Who Are You?" by The Who playing)

* Who... are you?

* Men, men, men, men. *

So are you a friend of the bride or the groom?

Uh, well, the bride is my mother, so... the groom.

Hey, how do you like my house?

Oh, it's beautiful.

Alan, I have to talk to you.

Go away, I've got a shot here.

No, you don't.

Come upstairs with me.

Why? Just come on.

Friend of the bride or friend of the groom?

Friend of mine.

Oh, my God.

Is he...?

As a doorknob.

Doorbell?

Doornail.

He's dead.

(sobbing)

I can't believe he's gone.

Courtney, I-I'm so sorry.

So he was just lying there

with his pants down?

Apparently, somebody was giving him

a very special wedding present.

Mom?

I don't think so.

She's downstairs acting as if nothing happened,

and more importantly, she already married the guy.

Why would she bother?

(knocking)

Your mother's looking for you guys.

What's going on?

Teddy's dead.

Yeah, that's a stiffy.

We've got a real problem here.

What do you mean "we"?

(door closes)

* Someday he'll come along

* The man I love

* And he'll be big and strong

* The man I love

* And when he comes my way

* I'll do my best

* To make him

* Stay

Oh, this is just going to suck.

* The man

* I love.

(applause)

Thank you, thank you.

Now, this next song you may remember

from the hit movie Ghost.

* Oh, my love

* My darling

(whispering): Mom.

* I've hungered for your touch

Mom, we got to talk to you.

* A long... What?

* Lonely time

It's about Teddy.

Where is he?

This is supposed to be a duet.

* Time goes by so slowly

Yeah, well, from now on

I'm afraid you're going to be working alone.

You son of a bitch.

So you weren't the one who was...?

Of course not.

I already married the man.

I just can't believe

he'd cheat on me on our wedding day.

Excuse me. My father is lying here dead.

With his pants around his ankles

and lipstick on his hoo-hoo.

Oh, my, what happened in here?

Berta, my husband is dead.

As a doornail.

Has anybody called the cops?

Well, you might want to consider it

because you only got a limited window

before he starts stinking up the joint.

I'll make the calls.

Oh, no, Mom, you don't have to.

Yes, I do.

I'm his wife.

Now, please,

would you all just give me a moment alone with him?

Of course. Sure, Mom.

So who do you suppose was smoking Teddy's sausage?

Berta,

that is my father in there.

Okay.

So who do you suppose was smoking your father's sausage?

Oh, Teddy.

My dear, dear Teddy.

(sniffling)

Hello. (sniffles)

This is Evelyn Harper Leopold.

I booked my honeymoon with you.

Yes.

Two business-class tickets to Paris.

I need to exchange them for one first-class ticket to Fiji.

Sure, I'll hold.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a crime scene,

so you're just going

to have to be patient.

We'll need statements from each of you

before you can leave.

Anyway, I-I guess what I'm saying is

that there's a lesson to be learned here.

Life is precious

and no one really knows how long we've got...

...so it's important to be grateful for each day.

So if they're not going to cut the cake, can I have some now?

Aren't you full?

No.

Take a look at his pants.

The belt is buckled on an unworn hole.

Someone re-dressed him.

Any of you touch the body?

Interesting.

We've got some perimortem ecchymosis

on the posterior occiput.

That means a bruise on the back of the head.

And yet you still couldn't get into medical school.

So much for time of death.

Looks like our boy here had some sexual activity

before he bought it.

Hit the light.

I'm going to check for semen.

Uh-oh.

My God.

It's like a Jackson Pollock painting.

The ceiling fan is actually a cute story.

Coffee? Thanks.

So, Mr. Harper...

Call me Charlie.

And you are?

Interested in how you found the body.

Oh, right to it, huh?

Okay, well...

what have you heard?

That's not how we do this.

You tell me what happened.

All right.

I went upstairs to use the bathroom and there he was.

(gasps)

Oh, no.

Teddy.

So you're saying you were alone when you found him?

Well, technically aren't we all alone?

You know, I'm finding that tank top awfully distracting.

Is that police-issue?

Mr. Harper, are you aware

that making a false statement to the police is a crime?

Huh.

Slap-on-the-wrist crime

or pack-my-bags- and-tape-my-butt-shut crime?

(chuckling)

Hey, I like it when it's gift-wrapped.

(tearing) Ow.

Okay, okay, I wasn't alone.

I was with Courtney.

Why'd you lie? Oh, come on.

I was trying to nail my stepsister

at my mother's wedding.

Lying seemed the classy way to go.

Did you touch the body?

I was all over her body.

Oh, you mean Teddy?

No, no, no, not after I knew he was there.

Who do you suppose pulled up his pants?

Are you thinking

whoever pulled 'em up is the one who killed him?

It's crossed our minds.

Oh, gee, I don't want to implicate anybody.

Right now, the only one implicated is you.

Talk to my mother.

Ugh.

What is that, non-dairy creamer?

Just take me to the green mile and be done with it.

That's all we've got.

Oh, please.

This place is crawling with cops.

One of them can't make a Starbucks run?

Mrs. Harper...

Mrs. Leopold.

Mrs. Leopold.

Did you touch your husband's body before the police arrived?

All right, yes, I pulled up his pants up.

Why? Because it was embarrassing.

There was lipstick on his hoo-hoo.

Your lipstick?

Oh, God, no, I'd rather drink your coffee.

So he was with another woman?

Not necessarily.

Do you have another theory for where the lipstick came from?

Have you ruled out clowns?

You should check

for really big footprints.

Okay, he was with another woman.

I imagine that made you pretty angry.

I don't get angry. I get even.

I mean, what are you insinuating?

I'm insinuating that maybe you caught him in the act.

Evie.

You cheating bastard!

Evie...

I can explain.

Evie, I can explain.

I can explain...

And Paris for two becomes Fiji for one.

We checked your phone records.

Listen, let me tell you something.

I loved that man and he loved me.

In, fact, he loved me so much he didn't even ask for a prenup.

And believe me, he's got money.

Big money.

Well, we don't have to look very hard

to find a motive for you, do we?

Eww.

I'm warning you,

coffee tends to shoot through me.

So, if you've got a cavity search planned,

you better do it pretty quick.

We don't need to do a cavity search.

Can I request one?

What do you know about Teddy Leopold?

I know he was hot for me.

He was always flirting.

This is my mom's boyfriend, Teddy.

Teddy, my housekeeper, Berta.

A pleasure.

It could be if you play your cards right.

Whoa.

You can't blame him.

You gotta figure that boinking Evelyn

is like riding a bicycle over train tracks.

You'll get where you're going

but you're gonna feel every bump.

How's the hot chocolate?

It's good.

I like the powdered stuff

'cause there's always a little something to chew on

when you get to the bottom.

Got any donuts? Nope.

Danish? Nope.

Pie?

Look, Jake,

what I want to know is,

were you in your uncle's room at any time today?

No, I never go in my uncle's room.

Why not?

Because all the skin mags are in my dad's room.

Okay, let me just start out by saying,

I know about the illegal left turn ticket.

And I-I've been meaning to take care of it,

but, you know, business has been a little slow

and those bills just keep coming.

Of course I don't have to tell you that.

Our law enforcement personnel are woefully underpaid.

Thank you for the coffee, by the way.

Mmm.

Cops and truck drivers. You know your coffee.

Am I going to jail?

Tell me about you and Teddy Leopold.

Oh, I loved Teddy.

He was like a father to me.

Is that so?

Yeah, yeah.

He took me to Vegas, bought me a hooker.

Would any of you gentlemen like a date?

Sorry, doll, I'm taken.

But I wouldn't mind footing the bill for my two boys here.

Hi, I'm Amber.

I'm Tiffany.

Thanks, Daddy! Thanks, Daddy!

A hooker?

And gelato.

You got my blessing, Teddy.

Shut up and eat your gelato.

So you were happy he married your mother?

Are you kidding? I was thrilled.

I-I planned the wedding.

And it went great.

The reception not so much.

Why? What happened?

The groom died.

Remember?

Do you need to write that down?

Do you have any idea who might have wanted him dead?

No, no.

Everybody loved Teddy.

And-and he was so good to my mom.

It's a shame she has to bury another husband.

Another husband?

Yeah.

Um, well, she's, you know, had a bit of bad luck

in the dead spouse department.

Not that you can have good luck

in the dead spouse department.

Can I have some more coffee?

Who ratted me out?

Was it Alan?

Oh, it doesn't matter.

Either one of them would throw me under a bus

for an Eskimo Pie.

We'd just like to know about your late husbands.

All right.

There's not much to tell.

Charlie and Alan's father died of food poisoning.

Where'd he get the food?

I was a young bride. I was just learning to cook.

Nobody told me you don't keep fish in a drawer.

All right, what about the others?

Well, the usual.

Um, couple of heart attacks...

a bathtub electrocution.

Why are you grilling me?

I'm not the one who was fighting with him over money.

Who was?

I just don't understand why you won't help me.

Damn it, Courtney. We've been through this!

I'm not going to keep bailing you out.

But, Daddy, I... Don't "but Daddy" me!

What am I supposed to do? Live on the streets?

TEDDY: You're supposed to live within your means!

I want a lawyer.

Tall, soy latte, no foam.

Grandmommy can't drink this cop swill anymore.

Mom, they told us to wait here.

Well, that's why I'm sending Jake.

Think of it as job training, dear.

Hi, Charlie.

Hey, Charlie.

Hi, Charlie.

Hi, Alan.

Hey, I'm not the one who's got a dead husband

with someone else's lipstick on his dipstick.

Has anybody seen Courtney?

She's talking to her attorney.

Why does she need an attorney?

GC mass spec analysis revealed

that the lipstick pigment on the body

matches the lipstick she was wearing.

Wait!

Courtney with her own father?

Not according to their DNA.

They're not even related.

What?!

You're kidding! That's impossible!

They're con artists. Grifters.

Wanted in half a dozen states.

His real name is Nathan Krunk

and she is Sylvia Fishman.

That can't be right.

I was gonna marry her.

What?! What?!

We were gonna surprise you, but I guess that ship has sailed.

Well, they've got a long record of marital fraud.

They pick out marks with more money than brains

and then take 'em down the aisle.

You're just gonna turn your back on me?

Your own daughter?

Don't be such a drama queen!

You know what? Forget it! I'm out of here.

Courtney, don't be like that!

But

I don't understand.

Teddy didn't need money.

He was a very wealthy man.

And I practically had to force Courtney to take my $50,000.

Oh.

But-but what about his lifestyle?

The-the private jet, the trips to Vegas?

Bad checks, stolen credit cards.

The only reason he didn't want a prenup

was so he could get a clear shot at your money.

But then why would Courtney kill her own partner?

She didn't.

They were going at it hot and heavy

and his heart gave out.

(groans)

Yeah, I can see that happening.

What threw us off at first was

the bruising on the back of his head.

But then autopsy revealed

that happened roughly 48 hours before time of death.

Would still love to get together.

So give me a call.

I'm just sitting at home

reading a book. (Courtney moaning)

TEDDY: Ow, that hurts!

COURTNEY: Want to switch?

TEDDY: Yeah, let's try banging your head for a while.

I don't believe it.

She used me. She scammed me. She took my money.

Courtney!

What?

I'll wait for you.

* Men...

Got a postcard from the black widow.

No kidding.

How's her honeymoon going?

Pretty good, apparently.

She's already met a wealthy real estate investor.

I gotta admit: the woman's got spirit.

No matter what life throws at her,

she always lands on her back.

Uh-oh.

What's the matter?

Oh, oh, Jake! Oh, God!

That was a good one, wasn't it?