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1
00:00:01,202 --> 00:00:03,571
Alan, I need to talk to you.
2
00:00:03,637 --> 00:00:04,638
Okay.
3
00:00:04,705 --> 00:00:06,006
Alone.
4
00:00:06,074 --> 00:00:07,708
Gotta be about sex.
5
00:00:07,775 --> 00:00:09,610
Take a hike.
6
00:00:09,677 --> 00:00:11,912
You know, I'm 14. You're
not protecting me anymore.
7
00:00:11,979 --> 00:00:12,946
Jake.
8
00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:14,648
This is just a pathetic sham.
9
00:00:17,118 --> 00:00:18,586
So what's up?
10
00:00:18,652 --> 00:00:20,654
Okay. Long story short,
11
00:00:20,721 --> 00:00:22,256
I've got a young woman upstairs.
12
00:00:22,323 --> 00:00:25,359
Wow. I didn't see
this one coming.
13
00:00:25,426 --> 00:00:26,594
See her?
14
00:00:26,660 --> 00:00:28,062
I'm surprised
you couldn't hear her.
15
00:00:29,163 --> 00:00:31,565
She was like a cat
in a fan belt.
16
00:00:33,601 --> 00:00:35,403
Anyway...
17
00:00:35,469 --> 00:00:38,206
I need you to entertain her
in my absence.
18
00:00:38,272 --> 00:00:40,074
Entertain her?
What'd you have in mind?
19
00:00:40,141 --> 00:00:41,542
A musical number
from Sweeney Todd?
20
00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:44,078
How young is she?
21
00:00:44,145 --> 00:00:46,114
Maybe a little peek-a-boo.
22
00:00:47,148 --> 00:00:48,282
Right there.
23
00:00:48,349 --> 00:00:50,451
That's why no one likes you.
24
00:00:51,785 --> 00:00:53,887
Just keep her occupied
till I get back.
25
00:00:53,954 --> 00:00:54,922
Where you going?
26
00:00:54,988 --> 00:00:56,324
I have a date.
27
00:00:56,990 --> 00:00:57,991
A date?
28
00:00:58,058 --> 00:00:59,493
I-It's 8:30 in the morning.
29
00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:01,629
I know what time it is.
I have a limited
30
00:01:01,695 --> 00:01:02,796
window of opportunity here
31
00:01:02,863 --> 00:01:05,199
Her husband's playing
nine holes, so I thought
32
00:01:05,266 --> 00:01:08,202
as long as he's out, I'd try
to play a couple myself.
33
00:01:08,269 --> 00:01:11,139
Then why don't you send
the other girl home?
34
00:01:11,205 --> 00:01:12,706
I'll be back by noon.
35
00:01:12,773 --> 00:01:15,409
What am I supposed to do
the rest of the day?
36
00:01:16,444 --> 00:01:18,579
Okay, okay. I mean...
37
00:01:18,646 --> 00:01:20,514
I'm gonna say something now
because, well,
38
00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:22,350
I think it needs to be said.
39
00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:23,184
What?
40
00:01:23,251 --> 00:01:24,185
You're a severely damaged
41
00:01:24,252 --> 00:01:25,586
human being.
42
00:01:26,754 --> 00:01:28,822
I'd love to stay
and chitchat with you,
43
00:01:28,889 --> 00:01:30,891
but I've got a golf widow
marinating in Brentwood.
44
00:01:30,958 --> 00:01:32,360
Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait.
45
00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:34,262
Wh-What am I supposed
to tell the girl upstairs?
46
00:01:34,328 --> 00:01:36,564
I don't know. Tell her
I went out to give blood.
47
00:01:36,630 --> 00:01:38,632
That way, if I come back
a little weak,
48
00:01:38,699 --> 00:01:40,534
I've got a good excuse.
49
00:01:42,336 --> 00:01:43,804
So, you want me
to just lie to her.
50
00:01:43,871 --> 00:01:44,838
Well, it's up to you.
51
00:01:44,905 --> 00:01:46,240
You could tell her the truth,
52
00:01:46,307 --> 00:01:48,108
but then you'd have
to pack up all your crap
53
00:01:48,176 --> 00:01:49,410
and move into
the lifeguard station.
54
00:01:50,278 --> 00:01:52,580
Ohh... why you gotta do that?
55
00:01:52,646 --> 00:01:54,582
Why is it always
"my way or the highway"?
56
00:01:54,648 --> 00:01:56,784
"Obey my commands,
or you're out of the house."
57
00:01:56,850 --> 00:01:59,119
Then again, if the system works,
why mess with it?
58
00:02:01,222 --> 00:02:04,024
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
59
00:02:04,091 --> 00:02:07,595
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh
60
00:02:07,661 --> 00:02:10,698
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
* Ooh
* Ooh
61
00:02:10,764 --> 00:02:12,700
* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *
62
00:02:12,766 --> 00:02:15,836
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
63
00:02:15,903 --> 00:02:19,039
* Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
64
00:02:19,106 --> 00:02:22,243
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
65
00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:31,452
when they poured
those legs.
66
00:02:31,519 --> 00:02:33,020
(simpering)
67
00:02:33,086 --> 00:02:34,655
I don't believe it.
68
00:02:34,722 --> 00:02:36,390
Another one.
69
00:02:38,859 --> 00:02:40,127
Hey, Alan.
70
00:02:40,194 --> 00:02:41,529
Who's the blonde?
71
00:02:41,595 --> 00:02:42,730
Don't know.
72
00:02:42,796 --> 00:02:43,764
Found her on the beach.
73
00:02:43,831 --> 00:02:45,833
Like-- homeless?
74
00:02:45,899 --> 00:02:48,602
Not tonight.
75
00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:50,771
You realize,
that's three in one day.
76
00:02:50,838 --> 00:02:52,340
Depends how you count.
77
00:02:52,406 --> 00:02:53,774
I make it out to be...
78
00:02:53,841 --> 00:02:54,942
seven.
79
00:02:56,244 --> 00:02:57,978
Or eight.
80
00:02:58,045 --> 00:02:59,847
I should carry a clicker.
81
00:03:01,915 --> 00:03:04,552
Oh! Charlie, even for
you, this is ridiculous.
82
00:03:04,618 --> 00:03:08,656
Hey. One man's ridiculous is
another man's yabba-dabba-doo.
83
00:03:11,659 --> 00:03:14,027
"I should carry a clicker."
84
00:03:14,094 --> 00:03:16,163
"Yabba-dabba-doo."
85
00:03:16,230 --> 00:03:17,798
By the way, I'm Charlie.
86
00:03:17,865 --> 00:03:20,100
I'm Gretchen.
87
00:03:20,167 --> 00:03:22,002
Ooh, I like that.
Gretchen.
88
00:03:22,069 --> 00:03:23,537
It's got a built-in grrr.
89
00:03:24,738 --> 00:03:27,007
(knocking at door)
90
00:03:27,074 --> 00:03:28,476
Upstairs on the right.
91
00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:29,910
Make yourself comfortable.
92
00:03:29,977 --> 00:03:30,811
Okay.
93
00:03:32,946 --> 00:03:34,915
Grrr.
94
00:03:37,851 --> 00:03:40,120
Charlie Harper?
95
00:03:40,187 --> 00:03:41,289
Yeah.
96
00:03:43,023 --> 00:03:45,759
Keep your hands off my wife.
97
00:03:45,826 --> 00:03:47,861
Yes, sir. No problem.
98
00:03:47,928 --> 00:03:49,630
Oh, God. Charlie?
99
00:03:49,697 --> 00:03:50,831
Are you okay?
100
00:03:50,898 --> 00:03:53,100
No, I'm not okay.
101
00:03:53,166 --> 00:03:54,768
I just got punched in the face.
102
00:03:57,004 --> 00:03:59,106
Help me up.
103
00:03:59,172 --> 00:04:01,241
That was an angry
husband, wasn't it?
104
00:04:01,309 --> 00:04:02,910
Well, you can't
really blame him.
105
00:04:02,976 --> 00:04:07,415
From now on, he's gonna have to
take his wife golfing with him.
106
00:04:09,850 --> 00:04:10,951
Wait a second.
107
00:04:11,018 --> 00:04:12,753
You're still going upstairs?
108
00:04:12,820 --> 00:04:13,887
Why not?
109
00:04:13,954 --> 00:04:15,723
It wasn't her husband.
110
00:04:17,391 --> 00:04:19,159
But... you're bleeding.
111
00:04:19,226 --> 00:04:21,562
Did you see that girl?
112
00:04:21,629 --> 00:04:25,399
I'd be climbing these stairs if
I was just a head and a spine.
113
00:04:27,835 --> 00:04:29,403
* Men.
114
00:04:30,137 --> 00:04:31,271
Berta, have you noticed
115
00:04:31,339 --> 00:04:32,172
anything different
about Charlie lately?
116
00:04:32,239 --> 00:04:33,641
What do you mean?
117
00:04:33,707 --> 00:04:35,976
Well, he's always been
promiscuous, but...
118
00:04:36,043 --> 00:04:38,879
I'm starting to think
I should hide my bowling ball.
119
00:04:39,980 --> 00:04:41,649
I know what you're saying.
120
00:04:41,715 --> 00:04:43,451
I'm having to change
his sheets so often,
121
00:04:43,517 --> 00:04:45,319
I'm thinking about
putting them on a roller.
122
00:04:48,956 --> 00:04:50,991
Ha-Have you ever seen him
act this way before?
123
00:04:51,058 --> 00:04:52,626
Well...
124
00:04:52,693 --> 00:04:55,863
when Viagra first came out,
I thought he was gonna die.
125
00:04:57,365 --> 00:04:58,766
You know how they say
126
00:04:58,832 --> 00:05:00,701
if your erection lasts
more than four hours,
127
00:05:00,768 --> 00:05:02,436
you should call your doctor?
128
00:05:02,503 --> 00:05:04,438
He'd just call another girl.
129
00:05:05,272 --> 00:05:06,039
Yipes.
130
00:05:06,106 --> 00:05:07,375
For a while there,
131
00:05:07,441 --> 00:05:10,077
he had to stand
on his head to take a leak.
132
00:05:14,181 --> 00:05:15,315
'Morning.
133
00:05:15,383 --> 00:05:17,317
(groans)
134
00:05:17,385 --> 00:05:18,852
(labored breathing)
135
00:05:18,919 --> 00:05:19,987
'Morning.
'Morning.
136
00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:26,927
Rough night in Hump Junction?
137
00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:30,297
No, I was good.
138
00:05:30,364 --> 00:05:32,400
I just had a little accident.
139
00:05:33,901 --> 00:05:37,538
I tried to pick my lady friend
up and put her on the bureau
140
00:05:37,605 --> 00:05:41,074
and now I can't find
one of my testicles.
141
00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:44,678
Oh, Charlie.
142
00:05:45,613 --> 00:05:48,081
I don't think I really lost it.
143
00:05:48,148 --> 00:05:50,083
It's kind of like your keys.
144
00:05:50,150 --> 00:05:52,285
Even if you can't
put your hands on them,
145
00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:54,488
you know they
gotta be somewhere.
146
00:05:58,959 --> 00:06:02,963
That is something you do not
want to find in the vacuum bag.
147
00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:08,769
You know, I'm really starting
to worry about him.
148
00:06:08,836 --> 00:06:10,671
I-I feel like
I should do something.
149
00:06:10,738 --> 00:06:13,106
The way he's been acting,
if I were you,
150
00:06:13,173 --> 00:06:16,143
I'd start sleeping on my back
wearing a catcher's mask.
151
00:06:18,612 --> 00:06:19,947
CHARLIE:
Good news!
152
00:06:20,013 --> 00:06:21,148
I found it!
153
00:06:23,817 --> 00:06:26,654
It's always
the last place you look.
154
00:06:28,489 --> 00:06:30,591
* Men.
155
00:06:31,925 --> 00:06:33,827
Are you sure
you're up to this?
156
00:06:33,894 --> 00:06:35,162
I'm fine.
157
00:06:36,797 --> 00:06:39,733
Ow. Ow, ow, ow,
ow, ow, ow, ow.
158
00:06:42,269 --> 00:06:45,105
Just a little tender
in the giblets.
159
00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:53,814
Yeah. You're fine.
160
00:06:56,016 --> 00:06:57,084
Two beers, please.
161
00:06:59,620 --> 00:07:01,088
Oh, yeah. Much better.
162
00:07:08,696 --> 00:07:09,830
What are
you doing?
163
00:07:09,897 --> 00:07:11,565
What do you
think I'm doing?
164
00:07:11,632 --> 00:07:12,666
I'm scouting
the talent.
165
00:07:12,733 --> 00:07:15,335
Are you out
of your mind?
166
00:07:15,402 --> 00:07:16,504
What's your pickup line?
167
00:07:16,570 --> 00:07:18,371
"You want to come
back to my place
168
00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:19,807
and help me look
for my balls?"
169
00:07:20,908 --> 00:07:23,611
It was one ball,
and I found it.
170
00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:25,613
Oh, Charlie.
171
00:07:25,679 --> 00:07:27,715
Don't you think you
need to slow down a bit?
172
00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:29,583
Why would I want
to do that?
173
00:07:29,650 --> 00:07:31,384
Well, come on. Is,
is this lifestyle
174
00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:33,687
actually making
you happy?
175
00:07:33,754 --> 00:07:36,724
Let me answer that question
with another question.
176
00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:38,058
Who would you rather be?
177
00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:39,326
You? Or me?
178
00:07:39,392 --> 00:07:41,194
You're kidding, right?
179
00:07:41,261 --> 00:07:42,530
You have two black eyes
180
00:07:42,596 --> 00:07:44,898
and you're perched
on a scrotum cozy.
181
00:07:46,834 --> 00:07:49,102
You.
182
00:07:52,906 --> 00:07:54,274
Hi.
183
00:07:54,341 --> 00:07:55,442
Hey, there.
184
00:07:55,509 --> 00:07:57,477
Oh, sweet Lord.
185
00:07:57,545 --> 00:07:58,546
Can I buy you a drink?
186
00:07:58,612 --> 00:08:00,848
If you want to.
187
00:08:00,914 --> 00:08:03,050
Well, I'd like to
buy you an airplane,
188
00:08:03,116 --> 00:08:04,885
but let's start
with a drink.
189
00:08:04,952 --> 00:08:06,554
I'm Charlie.
190
00:08:06,620 --> 00:08:07,521
Pepper.
191
00:08:07,588 --> 00:08:09,389
Oh. My favorite condiment.
192
00:08:09,456 --> 00:08:10,490
It's a spice.
193
00:08:10,558 --> 00:08:12,726
Shut up.
194
00:08:12,793 --> 00:08:13,527
So,
195
00:08:13,594 --> 00:08:14,928
Charlie.
196
00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:21,101
No kidding.
197
00:08:22,269 --> 00:08:23,737
Well, then...
198
00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:30,510
All right. You're under
arrest for solicitation.
199
00:08:30,578 --> 00:08:32,379
Stand up, put your hands
behind your back,
200
00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:33,581
and spread your legs.
201
00:08:35,248 --> 00:08:38,285
I'm afraid you're going
to have to choose one.
202
00:08:40,453 --> 00:08:41,855
* Men.
203
00:08:41,922 --> 00:08:43,857
Now will you admit
you've got a problem?
204
00:08:43,924 --> 00:08:46,694
Hey. That was entrapment.
205
00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:48,562
I'm the victim here.
206
00:08:48,629 --> 00:08:50,263
If she wasn't a cop,
what did you think
207
00:08:50,330 --> 00:08:51,632
you were gonna do with her?
208
00:08:53,433 --> 00:08:54,902
I really don't know.
209
00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:57,304
Charlie, don't you see
what's happening to you?
210
00:08:57,370 --> 00:09:00,407
Nothing's happening, except I
offered to buy a policewoman
211
00:09:00,473 --> 00:09:02,643
a $500 martini.
212
00:09:02,710 --> 00:09:04,344
Well, then, I guess
there's no point
213
00:09:04,411 --> 00:09:05,746
in my talking to you anymore.
214
00:09:05,813 --> 00:09:09,082
All right. Then something
good came of this.
215
00:09:09,149 --> 00:09:10,718
(knocking at door)
216
00:09:24,765 --> 00:09:27,835
Keep your hands
off my girlfriend!
217
00:09:27,901 --> 00:09:30,537
You're gonna have to be
more specific.
218
00:09:30,604 --> 00:09:34,041
Son of a bitch.
219
00:09:35,442 --> 00:09:37,044
* Men.
220
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:48,555
Well...
221
00:09:48,622 --> 00:09:50,323
I've got a new career.
222
00:09:50,390 --> 00:09:52,192
As a crash test dummy?
223
00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:57,330
Writing songs for little kids.
224
00:09:57,397 --> 00:09:58,265
Really?
225
00:09:58,331 --> 00:09:59,532
Yeah. Turns out,
226
00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:01,201
immature minds respond to me.
227
00:10:02,502 --> 00:10:04,004
That sounds about right.
228
00:10:06,273 --> 00:10:07,507
Uh, let's see.
229
00:10:07,574 --> 00:10:08,541
What else? Uh...
230
00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:09,542
My mom's getting married.
231
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:10,477
Nice guy.
232
00:10:10,543 --> 00:10:11,211
Good for her.
233
00:10:11,278 --> 00:10:12,179
Yeah. Yeah.
234
00:10:12,245 --> 00:10:13,647
My brother
still lives with me.
235
00:10:13,714 --> 00:10:15,749
Sure. We knew he wasn't
going anywhere.
236
00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:19,086
Uh-uh.
(clears throat)
237
00:10:19,152 --> 00:10:20,553
Let's see, um...
238
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:22,555
My nephew's growing
like a weed.
239
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:24,557
Mack's fiancé
is getting married.
240
00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:25,993
I've been dating a lot.
Nothing serious.
241
00:10:26,059 --> 00:10:29,396
And, as you can see,
I've had a couple of...
242
00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:30,698
mishaps.
243
00:10:30,764 --> 00:10:33,200
Well, except for the
facial lacerations
244
00:10:33,266 --> 00:10:34,534
and the rectal doughnut,
245
00:10:34,601 --> 00:10:36,169
hardly noticeable.
246
00:10:36,236 --> 00:10:39,773
It's actually
a testicular doughnut.
247
00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:41,508
What's the difference?
248
00:10:41,574 --> 00:10:43,376
About that much.
249
00:10:45,813 --> 00:10:48,081
Well, that's disturbing.
250
00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:49,750
Um...
251
00:10:49,817 --> 00:10:52,552
Let's circle back
to the ex-fiancé.
252
00:10:52,619 --> 00:10:53,821
What was her name?
253
00:10:53,887 --> 00:10:55,388
Mia. How do you feel
254
00:10:55,455 --> 00:10:58,491
about Mia getting married
and moving on with her life?
255
00:10:58,558 --> 00:11:00,427
I feel fine about it.
256
00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:01,528
I'm happy for her.
257
00:11:01,594 --> 00:11:04,131
No remorse? No regrets?
258
00:11:04,197 --> 00:11:06,967
Not really.
It's been a long time.
259
00:11:07,034 --> 00:11:11,371
Okay. So when did you learn
about her upcoming nuptials?
260
00:11:11,438 --> 00:11:13,540
I don't know.
261
00:11:13,606 --> 00:11:15,675
A couple of weeks ago.
262
00:11:17,745 --> 00:11:19,179
Yep. Two weeks.
263
00:11:19,246 --> 00:11:22,082
You're carrying the announcement
around with you?
264
00:11:22,149 --> 00:11:23,751
Yeah. Why?
265
00:11:23,817 --> 00:11:26,153
No reason.
266
00:11:26,219 --> 00:11:28,588
And you say
you've been dating a lot?
267
00:11:28,655 --> 00:11:30,758
A little more than usual.
268
00:11:30,824 --> 00:11:32,726
And when did
that new pattern start?
269
00:11:32,793 --> 00:11:34,294
Gee. I don't know.
270
00:11:34,361 --> 00:11:36,396
It's got to be
a couple of weeks now.
271
00:11:38,398 --> 00:11:40,433
What?
272
00:11:40,500 --> 00:11:42,702
Aw, come on, Charlie. Just
'cause I get paid by the hour
273
00:11:42,770 --> 00:11:44,437
doesn't mean this
should take forever.
274
00:11:47,574 --> 00:11:49,009
It's pretty clear that the news
275
00:11:49,076 --> 00:11:51,378
about this woman getting married
has hurt you,
276
00:11:51,444 --> 00:11:53,080
and you're acting out.
277
00:11:53,146 --> 00:11:56,283
Man, you shrinks want
to bring everything back
278
00:11:56,349 --> 00:11:58,185
to feelings, don't you?
279
00:11:58,251 --> 00:12:01,154
You think it has anything to do
with your toilet training?
280
00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:02,823
No.
281
00:12:02,890 --> 00:12:04,758
Well, then I guess
we're stuck with feelings.
282
00:12:05,926 --> 00:12:06,994
Now, when you read
that announcement,
283
00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:08,361
how did you feel?
284
00:12:08,428 --> 00:12:11,131
I don't know.
285
00:12:11,198 --> 00:12:13,967
How you feel when the woman
you were once in love with
286
00:12:14,034 --> 00:12:15,468
is getting married
to another guy.
287
00:12:15,535 --> 00:12:16,303
Describe it.
288
00:12:16,369 --> 00:12:18,605
Describe it?
289
00:12:18,671 --> 00:12:20,273
Just for fun.
290
00:12:23,476 --> 00:12:26,046
It's hard to say exactly.
291
00:12:26,113 --> 00:12:30,450
I... I guess it's kind of like
a, a, a trapdoor opens up
292
00:12:30,517 --> 00:12:32,953
under your feet, and...
and... and you're falling.
293
00:12:33,020 --> 00:12:34,421
And, at the same time,
294
00:12:34,487 --> 00:12:36,790
there's this enormous pressure
on your chest,
295
00:12:36,857 --> 00:12:41,294
like a... like a big animal--
maybe a possum or a raccoon--
296
00:12:41,361 --> 00:12:42,429
is sitting on it...
297
00:12:44,197 --> 00:12:46,699
...and you can't
catch your breath.
298
00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:49,903
"A possum or a raccoon."
299
00:12:49,970 --> 00:12:52,272
If you're writing it down,
say "raccoon."
300
00:12:52,339 --> 00:12:53,841
Will do.
301
00:12:53,907 --> 00:12:57,210
I don't know why I said possum.
302
00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:59,079
It's okay. Um...
303
00:12:59,146 --> 00:13:03,083
You think it's possible
that this feeling of falling,
304
00:13:03,150 --> 00:13:05,318
and the raccoon on your chest,
305
00:13:05,385 --> 00:13:09,289
is a physical manifestation
of unexpressed grief?
306
00:13:09,356 --> 00:13:10,323
Grief?
307
00:13:10,390 --> 00:13:11,291
You know. Sadness.
308
00:13:11,358 --> 00:13:13,393
How do you read sadness
into that?
309
00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:15,863
Look, Charlie,
you're a smart guy.
310
00:13:15,929 --> 00:13:17,797
Emotionally? Ehh...
311
00:13:19,099 --> 00:13:21,401
But you gotta see
what's going on here.
312
00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:25,005
You're using this series
of meaningless sexual liaisons
313
00:13:25,072 --> 00:13:28,375
to run away from your feelings
about losing this woman.
314
00:13:28,441 --> 00:13:32,345
No. No. I'm sorry.
I don't see it.
315
00:13:32,412 --> 00:13:33,914
Let's keep looking.
316
00:13:33,981 --> 00:13:35,648
What about
my mom getting married?
317
00:13:35,715 --> 00:13:37,284
That can upset a fella. Right?
318
00:13:37,350 --> 00:13:41,054
Make him go all ancient Greek
and poke his eyes out.
319
00:13:41,121 --> 00:13:42,990
Oh, come on, Charlie.
320
00:13:43,056 --> 00:13:45,893
You loved this woman,
and I'd say you still love her.
321
00:13:45,959 --> 00:13:47,194
And, deep down,
maybe you were hoping
322
00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:48,996
someday you'd get back together.
323
00:13:49,062 --> 00:13:51,965
And the only reason
you're not sitting here weeping
324
00:13:52,032 --> 00:13:55,368
is because it's too painful
for you.
325
00:13:58,238 --> 00:14:01,208
I'm sorry.
I... I...I just can't see it.
326
00:14:01,274 --> 00:14:06,213
You can't see it because
your penis is in the way.
327
00:14:07,047 --> 00:14:09,917
Thank you.
328
00:14:09,983 --> 00:14:13,386
It's not a compliment, Charlie.
329
00:14:13,453 --> 00:14:15,989
Says you.
330
00:14:18,125 --> 00:14:20,994
Look, you-you have
a very simple choice here.
331
00:14:21,061 --> 00:14:23,430
You can honestly
confront these emotions
332
00:14:23,496 --> 00:14:25,532
and learn the lessons
they bring,
333
00:14:25,598 --> 00:14:27,968
or you can drive yourself
into an early grave
334
00:14:28,035 --> 00:14:30,303
with indiscriminate sex.
335
00:14:33,673 --> 00:14:35,642
Define "early."
336
00:14:39,346 --> 00:14:41,281
* Men.
337
00:14:44,151 --> 00:14:46,519
(short, forced
attempt at crying)
338
00:14:50,423 --> 00:14:54,061
(another attempt
at crying)
339
00:14:56,063 --> 00:14:57,764
What are you doing?
340
00:14:57,830 --> 00:15:01,101
Trying to feel my feelings.
341
00:15:03,303 --> 00:15:04,704
Really.
342
00:15:04,771 --> 00:15:06,306
How's it going?
343
00:15:06,373 --> 00:15:09,109
Not well.
344
00:15:09,176 --> 00:15:12,212
(another attempt at crying)
345
00:15:14,982 --> 00:15:17,017
See? Nothing. No grief.
346
00:15:17,084 --> 00:15:19,919
What exactly are you trying
to grieve over?
347
00:15:19,987 --> 00:15:22,122
Well, Mia's getting married.
348
00:15:22,189 --> 00:15:24,257
Wait, wait, wait. Mia?
The one you weregoing to marry?
349
00:15:24,324 --> 00:15:28,895
Yeah. And my shrink thinks
I'm pretty upset about it.
350
00:15:28,962 --> 00:15:30,930
Do you think
you're upset about it?
351
00:15:30,998 --> 00:15:33,566
I don't know.
352
00:15:33,633 --> 00:15:35,002
I really did love her.
353
00:15:35,068 --> 00:15:35,969
I know you did.
354
00:15:36,036 --> 00:15:38,038
Yeah. Huh.
355
00:15:38,105 --> 00:15:39,706
I remember, this one time,
356
00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:41,841
we were driving to Santa Barbara
for the weekend,
357
00:15:41,908 --> 00:15:48,848
and... she just smiled at me,
and I thought, man,
358
00:15:48,915 --> 00:15:50,984
I could spend the rest
of my life with this woman.
359
00:15:51,051 --> 00:15:53,920
No problem.
360
00:15:53,987 --> 00:15:59,292
And then... then I...
I lost her.
361
00:15:59,359 --> 00:16:01,328
And I... I don't...
I don't think I'm going
362
00:16:01,394 --> 00:16:03,196
to find anybody like her again.
363
00:16:03,263 --> 00:16:04,464
What the hell is going on, Alan?
364
00:16:04,531 --> 00:16:06,666
This is good.
This is good.
365
00:16:06,733 --> 00:16:08,635
You're... you're
finally starting
to feel your grief.
366
00:16:08,701 --> 00:16:11,071
And, and once you
really feel it
and accept it,
367
00:16:11,138 --> 00:16:13,073
you can get on with
your life without Mia.
368
00:16:13,140 --> 00:16:14,407
(crying):
Really?
369
00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:15,775
Yeah. Yeah. Go ahead.
Let it out.
370
00:16:15,842 --> 00:16:18,345
(stifled sobs)
371
00:16:20,113 --> 00:16:22,382
No. This is crap.
372
00:16:24,951 --> 00:16:26,453
Where you going?
373
00:16:26,519 --> 00:16:29,856
I just realized, I won't have
to feel my feelings,
374
00:16:29,922 --> 00:16:32,892
and live without Mia
if I just go get her back.
375
00:16:32,959 --> 00:16:34,627
That's your solution?
376
00:16:34,694 --> 00:16:36,363
Yeah. "Duh," right?
377
00:16:38,665 --> 00:16:40,767
"Duh," indeed.
378
00:16:45,272 --> 00:16:47,574
Forgot my doughnut.
379
00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:51,711
You laugh,
but it really does help.
380
00:16:53,580 --> 00:16:55,448
* Men.
381
00:16:56,649 --> 00:16:59,352
Bride? Seen the bride?
382
00:16:59,419 --> 00:17:01,221
Got a delivery
for the bride.
383
00:17:01,288 --> 00:17:03,190
I think she's
in there.
384
00:17:03,256 --> 00:17:05,425
Thanks. There you go.
385
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:14,534
(overlapping chatter)
386
00:17:14,601 --> 00:17:15,902
You're so lucky.
387
00:17:15,968 --> 00:17:16,836
(chattering stops)
388
00:17:16,903 --> 00:17:17,937
Hey.
389
00:17:18,004 --> 00:17:20,773
Charlie!
What are you doing here?
390
00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:22,309
I came to get you back.
391
00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:24,111
Are you out of your mind?!
392
00:17:24,177 --> 00:17:27,180
No, no.
I got the idea from my shrink.
393
00:17:29,116 --> 00:17:31,284
Could you ladies
give us a minute?
394
00:17:32,752 --> 00:17:34,687
Okay. One minute.
395
00:17:34,754 --> 00:17:36,123
Thanks.
396
00:17:37,257 --> 00:17:39,259
How are you?
Looking good.
397
00:17:39,326 --> 00:17:42,095
Don't worry.
Your big day will come.
398
00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:46,899
Charlie, I'm getting married
in an hour.
399
00:17:46,966 --> 00:17:48,268
So I'm not too late.
400
00:17:48,335 --> 00:17:50,002
Oh, you are so too late.
401
00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:51,771
Just hear me out.
402
00:17:51,838 --> 00:17:53,540
My God! What happened to you?
403
00:17:53,606 --> 00:17:54,907
No big deal.
404
00:17:54,974 --> 00:17:57,477
I just yanked a kid out
of the way of a speeding bus.
405
00:17:57,544 --> 00:17:59,979
Got clipped by the side mirror.
406
00:18:00,046 --> 00:18:01,047
Okay, that's
407
00:18:01,114 --> 00:18:02,449
a bunch of crap.
408
00:18:03,783 --> 00:18:05,118
But this is the truth.
409
00:18:05,185 --> 00:18:09,822
Mia, I have never felt about
any woman like I feel about you,
410
00:18:09,889 --> 00:18:12,459
and the thought of you
marrying some other guy
411
00:18:12,525 --> 00:18:14,727
is... it's breaking my heart.
412
00:18:14,794 --> 00:18:18,165
So, I'm just
going for broke here.
413
00:18:19,065 --> 00:18:21,534
Ow, ow, ow, ow!
414
00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:24,637
Mia, I love you.
415
00:18:24,704 --> 00:18:27,140
I will always love you,
and I want you to marry me.
416
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:29,909
Honey, the photographer wants
417
00:18:29,976 --> 00:18:31,744
to, uh...
418
00:18:31,811 --> 00:18:32,879
What's going on?
419
00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:34,814
Daddy, I told you
about Charlie Harper.
420
00:18:34,881 --> 00:18:36,249
Remember?
421
00:18:36,316 --> 00:18:38,451
Oh, good.
I'm glad you're here, sir.
422
00:18:38,518 --> 00:18:41,254
I'd like to ask you
for your daughter's...
423
00:18:47,059 --> 00:18:49,196
How much did you tell him?
424
00:18:50,263 --> 00:18:52,532
* Men.
425
00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:01,174
Thanks.
426
00:19:01,241 --> 00:19:03,910
You, uh, need some
more ice for your jaw?
427
00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:05,245
No.
428
00:19:05,312 --> 00:19:05,978
Your nose?
429
00:19:06,045 --> 00:19:06,846
Nah.
430
00:19:06,913 --> 00:19:09,015
How about the chestnuts?
431
00:19:09,081 --> 00:19:11,218
Resting comfortably, thanks.
432
00:19:11,284 --> 00:19:13,586
Okay. Well, uh...
try to get some sleep.
433
00:19:16,256 --> 00:19:16,856
Alan?
434
00:19:16,923 --> 00:19:18,090
Yeah?
435
00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:20,393
I learned something
about myself.
436
00:19:20,460 --> 00:19:22,362
That you're a bleeder?
437
00:19:22,429 --> 00:19:25,565
I learned
why I screw around so much.
438
00:19:25,632 --> 00:19:27,400
Really?
439
00:19:27,467 --> 00:19:28,401
Yep.
440
00:19:28,468 --> 00:19:30,637
I think I've spent my whole life
441
00:19:30,703 --> 00:19:36,075
trying to fill the empty space
in myself by, you know...
442
00:19:36,142 --> 00:19:38,578
Filling the empty space
in others?
443
00:19:38,645 --> 00:19:40,380
Exactly.
444
00:19:40,447 --> 00:19:42,482
That's quite an insight.
445
00:19:42,549 --> 00:19:44,984
Well, I'm deep in therapy now.
446
00:19:45,051 --> 00:19:47,019
You went for one hour, Charlie.
447
00:19:47,086 --> 00:19:48,521
50 minutes.
448
00:19:48,588 --> 00:19:50,623
It's kind of a racket.
449
00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:54,494
But the point is,
I've hit bottom.
450
00:19:54,561 --> 00:19:56,863
I can't keep going like this.
451
00:19:56,929 --> 00:19:58,931
It's time for me to grow up.
452
00:19:58,998 --> 00:20:02,835
I agree. So, uh...
what are you going to do?
453
00:20:02,902 --> 00:20:06,239
Well, I thought
I'd find some chick
454
00:20:06,306 --> 00:20:08,975
with a big heart and a tiny ass
and marry her.
455
00:20:10,443 --> 00:20:12,144
Maybe that girl from the beach.
456
00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:14,046
She seemed nice.
457
00:20:14,113 --> 00:20:15,815
You're going to get married?
458
00:20:15,882 --> 00:20:18,385
Yep. Settle down,
have a couple of kids,
459
00:20:18,451 --> 00:20:21,220
and ship the penis
up to Cooperstown.
460
00:20:21,288 --> 00:20:23,723
Cooperstown?
461
00:20:23,790 --> 00:20:25,625
It is my bat.
462
00:20:25,692 --> 00:20:29,462
Well, sounds like you've
got everything figured out.
463
00:20:29,529 --> 00:20:32,599
You don't ever figure
this stuff out, Alan.
464
00:20:32,665 --> 00:20:34,567
You just take little baby steps
465
00:20:34,634 --> 00:20:37,737
on a lifelong path
to becoming a better man.
466
00:20:37,804 --> 00:20:39,439
Uh-huh.
467
00:20:39,506 --> 00:20:42,074
How many pain pills
have you taken?
468
00:20:42,141 --> 00:20:44,010
Nine.
469
00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:47,246
Good night.
470
00:20:48,348 --> 00:20:50,783
Might not be a bad idea
to check on me
471
00:20:50,850 --> 00:20:53,119
in an hour or so,
make sure I'm still breathing.
472
00:20:53,185 --> 00:20:55,588
I always do.
473
00:21:00,460 --> 00:21:03,596
(sighing)
474
00:21:03,663 --> 00:21:06,333
(crying)
475
00:21:06,399 --> 00:21:10,603
Oh... Mia.
476
00:21:14,941 --> 00:21:17,276
Ow! My balls!
32082
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