Original subtitles

Alan, I need to talk to you.

Okay.

Alone.

Gotta be about sex.

Take a hike.

You know, I'm 14. You're not protecting me anymore.

Jake.

This is just a pathetic sham.

So what's up?

Okay. Long story short,

I've got a young woman upstairs.

Wow. I didn't see this one coming.

See her?

I'm surprised you couldn't hear her.

She was like a cat in a fan belt.

Anyway...

I need you to entertain her in my absence.

Entertain her? What'd you have in mind?

A musical number from Sweeney Todd?

How young is she?

Maybe a little peek-a-boo.

Right there.

That's why no one likes you.

Just keep her occupied till I get back.

Where you going?

I have a date.

A date?

I-It's 8:30 in the morning.

I know what time it is. I have a limited

window of opportunity here

Her husband's playing nine holes, so I thought

as long as he's out, I'd try to play a couple myself.

Then why don't you send the other girl home?

I'll be back by noon.

What am I supposed to do the rest of the day?

Okay, okay. I mean...

I'm gonna say something now because, well,

I think it needs to be said.

What?

You're a severely damaged

human being.

I'd love to stay and chitchat with you,

but I've got a golf widow marinating in Brentwood.

Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait.

Wh-What am I supposed to tell the girl upstairs?

I don't know. Tell her I went out to give blood.

That way, if I come back a little weak,

I've got a good excuse.

So, you want me to just lie to her.

Well, it's up to you.

You could tell her the truth,

but then you'd have to pack up all your crap

and move into the lifeguard station.

Ohh... why you gotta do that?

Why is it always "my way or the highway"?

"Obey my commands, or you're out of the house."

Then again, if the system works, why mess with it?

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

when they poured those legs.

(simpering)

I don't believe it.

Another one.

Hey, Alan.

Who's the blonde?

Don't know.

Found her on the beach.

Like-- homeless?

Not tonight.

You realize, that's three in one day.

Depends how you count.

I make it out to be...

seven.

Or eight.

I should carry a clicker.

Oh! Charlie, even for you, this is ridiculous.

Hey. One man's ridiculous is another man's yabba-dabba-doo.

"I should carry a clicker."

"Yabba-dabba-doo."

By the way, I'm Charlie.

I'm Gretchen.

Ooh, I like that. Gretchen.

It's got a built-in grrr.

(knocking at door)

Upstairs on the right.

Make yourself comfortable.

Okay.

Grrr.

Charlie Harper?

Yeah.

Keep your hands off my wife.

Yes, sir. No problem.

Oh, God. Charlie?

Are you okay?

No, I'm not okay.

I just got punched in the face.

Help me up.

That was an angry husband, wasn't it?

Well, you can't really blame him.

From now on, he's gonna have to take his wife golfing with him.

Wait a second.

You're still going upstairs?

Why not?

It wasn't her husband.

But... you're bleeding.

Did you see that girl?

I'd be climbing these stairs if I was just a head and a spine.

* Men.

Berta, have you noticed

anything different about Charlie lately?

What do you mean?

Well, he's always been promiscuous, but...

I'm starting to think I should hide my bowling ball.

I know what you're saying.

I'm having to change his sheets so often,

I'm thinking about putting them on a roller.

Ha-Have you ever seen him act this way before?

Well...

when Viagra first came out, I thought he was gonna die.

You know how they say

if your erection lasts more than four hours,

you should call your doctor?

He'd just call another girl.

Yipes.

For a while there,

he had to stand on his head to take a leak.

'Morning.

(groans)

(labored breathing)

'Morning. 'Morning.

Rough night in Hump Junction?

No, I was good.

I just had a little accident.

I tried to pick my lady friend up and put her on the bureau

and now I can't find one of my testicles.

Oh, Charlie.

I don't think I really lost it.

It's kind of like your keys.

Even if you can't put your hands on them,

you know they gotta be somewhere.

That is something you do not want to find in the vacuum bag.

You know, I'm really starting to worry about him.

I-I feel like I should do something.

The way he's been acting, if I were you,

I'd start sleeping on my back wearing a catcher's mask.

CHARLIE: Good news!

I found it!

It's always the last place you look.

* Men.

Are you sure you're up to this?

I'm fine.

Ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Just a little tender in the giblets.

Yeah. You're fine.

Two beers, please.

Oh, yeah. Much better.

What are you doing?

What do you think I'm doing?

I'm scouting the talent.

Are you out of your mind?

What's your pickup line?

"You want to come back to my place

and help me look for my balls?"

It was one ball, and I found it.

Oh, Charlie.

Don't you think you need to slow down a bit?

Why would I want to do that?

Well, come on. Is, is this lifestyle

actually making you happy?

Let me answer that question with another question.

Who would you rather be?

You? Or me?

You're kidding, right?

You have two black eyes

and you're perched on a scrotum cozy.

You.

Hi.

Hey, there.

Oh, sweet Lord.

Can I buy you a drink?

If you want to.

Well, I'd like to buy you an airplane,

but let's start with a drink.

I'm Charlie.

Pepper.

Oh. My favorite condiment.

It's a spice.

Shut up.

So,

Charlie.

No kidding.

Well, then...

All right. You're under arrest for solicitation.

Stand up, put your hands behind your back,

and spread your legs.

I'm afraid you're going to have to choose one.

* Men.

Now will you admit you've got a problem?

Hey. That was entrapment.

I'm the victim here.

If she wasn't a cop, what did you think

you were gonna do with her?

I really don't know.

Charlie, don't you see what's happening to you?

Nothing's happening, except I offered to buy a policewoman

a $500 martini.

Well, then, I guess there's no point

in my talking to you anymore.

All right. Then something good came of this.

(knocking at door)

Keep your hands off my girlfriend!

You're gonna have to be more specific.

Son of a bitch.

* Men.

Well...

I've got a new career.

As a crash test dummy?

Writing songs for little kids.

Really?

Yeah. Turns out,

immature minds respond to me.

That sounds about right.

Uh, let's see.

What else? Uh...

My mom's getting married.

Nice guy.

Good for her.

Yeah. Yeah.

My brother still lives with me.

Sure. We knew he wasn't going anywhere.

Uh-uh. (clears throat)

Let's see, um...

My nephew's growing like a weed.

Mack's fiancé is getting married.

I've been dating a lot. Nothing serious.

And, as you can see, I've had a couple of...

mishaps.

Well, except for the facial lacerations

and the rectal doughnut,

hardly noticeable.

It's actually a testicular doughnut.

What's the difference?

About that much.

Well, that's disturbing.

Um...

Let's circle back to the ex-fiancé.

What was her name?

Mia. How do you feel

about Mia getting married and moving on with her life?

I feel fine about it.

I'm happy for her.

No remorse? No regrets?

Not really. It's been a long time.

Okay. So when did you learn about her upcoming nuptials?

I don't know.

A couple of weeks ago.

Yep. Two weeks.

You're carrying the announcement around with you?

Yeah. Why?

No reason.

And you say you've been dating a lot?

A little more than usual.

And when did that new pattern start?

Gee. I don't know.

It's got to be a couple of weeks now.

What?

Aw, come on, Charlie. Just 'cause I get paid by the hour

doesn't mean this should take forever.

It's pretty clear that the news

about this woman getting married has hurt you,

and you're acting out.

Man, you shrinks want to bring everything back

to feelings, don't you?

You think it has anything to do with your toilet training?

No.

Well, then I guess we're stuck with feelings.

Now, when you read that announcement,

how did you feel?

I don't know.

How you feel when the woman you were once in love with

is getting married to another guy.

Describe it.

Describe it?

Just for fun.

It's hard to say exactly.

I... I guess it's kind of like a, a, a trapdoor opens up

under your feet, and... and... and you're falling.

And, at the same time,

there's this enormous pressure on your chest,

like a... like a big animal-- maybe a possum or a raccoon--

is sitting on it...

...and you can't catch your breath.

"A possum or a raccoon."

If you're writing it down, say "raccoon."

Will do.

I don't know why I said possum.

It's okay. Um...

You think it's possible that this feeling of falling,

and the raccoon on your chest,

is a physical manifestation of unexpressed grief?

Grief?

You know. Sadness.

How do you read sadness into that?

Look, Charlie, you're a smart guy.

Emotionally? Ehh...

But you gotta see what's going on here.

You're using this series of meaningless sexual liaisons

to run away from your feelings about losing this woman.

No. No. I'm sorry. I don't see it.

Let's keep looking.

What about my mom getting married?

That can upset a fella. Right?

Make him go all ancient Greek and poke his eyes out.

Oh, come on, Charlie.

You loved this woman, and I'd say you still love her.

And, deep down, maybe you were hoping

someday you'd get back together.

And the only reason you're not sitting here weeping

is because it's too painful for you.

I'm sorry. I... I...I just can't see it.

You can't see it because your penis is in the way.

Thank you.

It's not a compliment, Charlie.

Says you.

Look, you-you have a very simple choice here.

You can honestly confront these emotions

and learn the lessons they bring,

or you can drive yourself into an early grave

with indiscriminate sex.

Define "early."

* Men.

(short, forced attempt at crying)

(another attempt at crying)

What are you doing?

Trying to feel my feelings.

Really.

How's it going?

Not well.

(another attempt at crying)

See? Nothing. No grief.

What exactly are you trying to grieve over?

Well, Mia's getting married.

Wait, wait, wait. Mia? The one you weregoing to marry?

Yeah. And my shrink thinks I'm pretty upset about it.

Do you think you're upset about it?

I don't know.

I really did love her.

I know you did.

Yeah. Huh.

I remember, this one time,

we were driving to Santa Barbara for the weekend,

and... she just smiled at me, and I thought, man,

I could spend the rest of my life with this woman.

No problem.

And then... then I... I lost her.

And I... I don't... I don't think I'm going

to find anybody like her again.

What the hell is going on, Alan?

This is good. This is good.

You're... you're finally starting to feel your grief.

And, and once you really feel it and accept it,

you can get on with your life without Mia.

(crying): Really?

Yeah. Yeah. Go ahead. Let it out.

(stifled sobs)

No. This is crap.

Where you going?

I just realized, I won't have to feel my feelings,

and live without Mia if I just go get her back.

That's your solution?

Yeah. "Duh," right?

"Duh," indeed.

Forgot my doughnut.

You laugh, but it really does help.

* Men.

Bride? Seen the bride?

Got a delivery for the bride.

I think she's in there.

Thanks. There you go.

(overlapping chatter)

You're so lucky.

(chattering stops)

Hey.

Charlie! What are you doing here?

I came to get you back.

Are you out of your mind?!

No, no. I got the idea from my shrink.

Could you ladies give us a minute?

Okay. One minute.

Thanks.

How are you? Looking good.

Don't worry. Your big day will come.

Charlie, I'm getting married in an hour.

So I'm not too late.

Oh, you are so too late.

Just hear me out.

My God! What happened to you?

No big deal.

I just yanked a kid out of the way of a speeding bus.

Got clipped by the side mirror.

Okay, that's

a bunch of crap.

But this is the truth.

Mia, I have never felt about any woman like I feel about you,

and the thought of you marrying some other guy

is... it's breaking my heart.

So, I'm just going for broke here.

Ow, ow, ow, ow!

Mia, I love you.

I will always love you, and I want you to marry me.

Honey, the photographer wants

to, uh...

What's going on?

Daddy, I told you about Charlie Harper.

Remember?

Oh, good. I'm glad you're here, sir.

I'd like to ask you for your daughter's...

How much did you tell him?

* Men.

Thanks.

You, uh, need some more ice for your jaw?

No.

Your nose?

Nah.

How about the chestnuts?

Resting comfortably, thanks.

Okay. Well, uh... try to get some sleep.

Alan?

Yeah?

I learned something about myself.

That you're a bleeder?

I learned why I screw around so much.

Really?

Yep.

I think I've spent my whole life

trying to fill the empty space in myself by, you know...

Filling the empty space in others?

Exactly.

That's quite an insight.

Well, I'm deep in therapy now.

You went for one hour, Charlie.

50 minutes.

It's kind of a racket.

But the point is, I've hit bottom.

I can't keep going like this.

It's time for me to grow up.

I agree. So, uh... what are you going to do?

Well, I thought I'd find some chick

with a big heart and a tiny ass and marry her.

Maybe that girl from the beach.

She seemed nice.

You're going to get married?

Yep. Settle down, have a couple of kids,

and ship the penis up to Cooperstown.

Cooperstown?

It is my bat.

Well, sounds like you've got everything figured out.

You don't ever figure this stuff out, Alan.

You just take little baby steps

on a lifelong path to becoming a better man.

Uh-huh.

How many pain pills have you taken?

Nine.

Good night.

Might not be a bad idea to check on me

in an hour or so, make sure I'm still breathing.

I always do.

(sighing)

(crying)

Oh... Mia.

Ow! My balls!