Original subtitles

Taste this.

I don't need to taste it.

It's a chocolate laxative.

I think it needs more caramel.

I'm telling you, Alan,

one of these days that kid's gonna fart

and birds are gonna fall out of the sky.

Funny. Uh, listen.

How much is a hooker?

What?

Alan, what are you gonna do with a hooker?

Well, I'd like to pay her to have sex with me.

Yeah. But... Why?

Well, I've been thinking...

I don't have have a great track record with relationships,

but I still have desires, so I figure--

why not simplify, get back to basics.

No relationship, no disappointment,

just sex.

Well, sex with you, there's bound to be some disappointment.

I mean, even with a hooker,

money only buys you so much goodwill.

But I don't have to care.

Because it's a straight business transaction,

the only needs that are important are mine.

Hey, you don't have to sell me on it.

I just never pictured you doing anything this.

Me neither. But you know what's interesting?

Once I decided to give up trying to live a moral life,

I felt somehow free.

Again, you don't have to sell me on it.

How much you looking to spend?

Uh, well, as you know, I am a bit of a bargain hunter.

Yeah, but, unfortunately, they don't stock hookers at the 99-cent store.

Give me a number.

Okay, well, um...

What could I get in the $200 range?

Crabs.

And get carjacked.

All right, then...

why don't you give me a number.

$1,500.

For one night?

For one hour.

One hour?!

I want sex, not surround sound.

Trust me, it's worth it.

For that kind of money, you get the girlfriend experience.

Haven't you been listening?

I don't want the girlfriend experience.

I want sex--

guiltless, emotionless, selfish sex.

I understand.

At a reasonable price.

Got it. I'm make a few calls, see what I can do.

That'd be good.

And try to get a nonsmoker.

Sure.

Who wants a girl who would put one of those nasty things in her mouth?

WOMAN: Charlie?

Charlie Harper?

Hey... How are you?

Wow, how long has it been?

Too long.

This is my brother Alan.

Hi. This is my daughter Milly.

Hi, Milly. Hello, Milly.

(mumbling): Boy, this is some killer crumb cake.

Hello.

Hi.

Ah. Milly, this is my son Jake; Jake, this is Milly.

Want some cake?

I don't eat sugar.

Oh, yeah, me neither,

unless it's in like pies and cookies and stuff.

Whatever.

Yeah, whatever.

I play guitar; I'm in a band.

They're called The Dudes of Rockage--

heavy metal, classic rock kind of stuff.

I'm into Gwen Stefani.

Oh, yeah, they're great.

You sure you don't want some cake?

No, thanks.

Oh, gee, we have to get going.

Call me sometime, Charlie, maybe we can get together, have dinner and catch up.

That would be great.

Do you still have my number?

Uh... I'm-I'm sure I do, but...

you know, just in case.

WOMAN: Here you go.

Pleasure to meet you, Alan.

Same here.

She seems nice. Who is she?

I have no frickin' idea.

I'll tell you who she is...

the grandmother of my children.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

Uncle Charlie?

What?

Could you do me a favor and call Milly's mom

and find out if Milly likes me?

But don't tell her I asked,

'cause I don't want to appear needy.

I'm on it.

You're not gonna do it, are you?

What was your first clue?

Come on. Why not?

Jake, buddy...

I don't even remember who Milly's mom is.

Calling her will put me in a very awkward position.

More awkward than the time

I had to pretend to be lost at the mall

so you could meet the cute security guard?

Hey, we both benefited from that.

How do you figure?

I got a hot date and you got a hot pretzel.

It was an excellent pretzel.

Did you make the call? Geez!

Everybody wants me to pimp for them.

I might as well get myself an orange hat,

platform shoes and a full-length fur coat.

Hey, if anybody could pull it off, it'd be you.

(chuckles)

Did you make the call?

Here. Her name's Alexis.

She's expecting to hear from you.

Ooh. Alexis-- that-that's a pretty name.

They all have pretty names, Alan.

You'll meet a hooker named Maude.

Right, right. So, uh...

So exactly how much are we talking about?

She's willing to throw you one for 500.

Whoa. Uh, okay.

Um... Can I put it on a credit card?

A credit card?

Where are you planning to swipe it, Alan?

All right, all right.

I was just... hoping to get the miles.

Forget the miles.

And remember, that 500 does not include the tip.

I have to tip her?

You know, in case there's something you want

that might be considered... unusual.

Oh, yeah. I'm gonna have to tip her.

Hi.

Oh... Hey, Berta. Hey, Berta.

So what you're saying is that, uh, this is a...

a la carte kind of deal, like a, like a steakhouse?

What?

As opposed to a, uh... set menu or buffet style.

Sure, whatever.

Should I, uh, mention your name when I call?

Absolutely.

For every referral, I get a free travel mug.

Terrific.

Thank you, Charlie.

Happy to help.

Zippy getting a hooker?

It would appear so.

Boy, talk about earning your money.

Look, all you got to do is call her mother,

talk to her for a few minutes, then ask if Milly's there,

and if she is, you hand me the phone.

You're not going to let this go, are you?

Did you get a look at her?

Jake, buddy, I don't even know her mother's name.

So? You don't know the name of half the girls you bring over.

First month I was here, you called me Jack.

(sighs)

All right.

All right. I will call her,

dance around the fact that I have no idea

who the hell she is, then I'll hand you the phone.

Great.

Listen, as long as you're hooking people... Forget it.

Aw, come on. I'm not picky,

just find me a young Andy Griffith.

Just remember, I'm doing you a favor.

Don't forget it in a few years

when I ask you to change my diaper.

Okay.

Wait. What?

Hey, hi. It's Charlie.

Yeah, it was great to see you too.

Listen, let me tell you why I'm calling...

I'm sitting here with my nephew...

Yeah, he does like his cake.

Remind her I'm in a band.

Hang on.

You gonna let me do this?

You're rambling.

Fine.

It's all yours.

Hello.

Is... Is Milly there?

Oh, okay. Well, can you tell her that Jake Harper called--

the kid with the band?

Really?

Sure, I guess so.

Okay, thanks. Bye.

You and me are having dinner with them on Friday,

so you can catch up.

You and me?

Just don't clock block me, okay?

"Clock block" you?

That's not it?

No, that's not it.

* Men!

Jake, let's go!

How do I look?

Like you should be knocking on doors,

asking people if they've heard the Good News!

I already told all my friends I have a date.

I wasn't going to where the jacket,

but the shirt has mustard on the back.

How did you get mustard on the back of your shirt?

A kid bet me I couldn't catch a hot dog behind my back.

It turns out, I couldn't.

(sighs)

Is that what you're wearing?

What's wrong with it?

Nothing, it's fine.

No, no. No, no, please, Mr. Blackwell,

I want your opinion.

Well, would it kill you to tuck your shirt in?

I would, but I just sat

in some Thousand Island dressing.

Been there, done that.

Get in the car.

Alan, we're leaving.

Okay. Have fun.

I'm going on a double date with Pumpkinhead--

fun's not an option.

Well, whatever. I know it means a lot to him.

That's good...

'cause his happiness is everything to me.

Uh, uh, Charlie? Wait.

Yeah.

Guess who's coming over tonight?

Alexis.

Good for you.

But if you're planning to use that vegetable oil,

it's probably going to run you an extra hundred.

I'm making French fries.

You know? Carb loading for my upcoming 60-minute dash.

My mistake.

But I like how you think...

kinky and heart smart.

Right.

Oh, wait, wait. One more thing.

Is this like parking at the mall?

What?

If I go over five minutes,

do I have to pay for a whole other hour?

No, it's like a tollbooth.

At the end of the hour, a gate comes down

and lops off your penis.

Have fun.

Do me a favor, if you get a chance,

ask Milly what her mother's name is.

Why don't you ask her?

Because women don't like it

when you forget their names.

Well, then why do you always do it?

Why do you always eat pastrami when you know it gives you gas?

'Cause I love pastrami.

Well, there you go.

But I always know it's called pastrami.

Just ask her.

Okay.

Now, let's talk about your date.

You need to get your ducks in a row

before we get to the restaurant.

What do you mean?

Well, if this little girl's important to you,

it'd behoove you to have a plan.

"Behoove"?

It would benefit you.

Oh, yeah, sure.

What was that thing about ducks?

It's just an expression.

Well, it's confusing.

Sorry.

You can't get 'em in a row.

I know, I know. Now, just listen to me...

They're ducks. Right.

They move willy-nilly.

Shut up.

Whoa. It would behoove you to speak nicer to me.

I swear to God, I will open the sunroof,

pick you up with one hand

and toss you into the carpool lane.

You know, there's no reason

we couldn't be in the carpool lane.

All right, all right, I'm listening.

Thank you.

Now, three rules.

Number one:

Dinner with a beautiful woman is never about food.

I know, it's about making her like me.

Very good.

But there will be food, right?

Yes.

'Cause I'm not at my best when I'm hungry.

Jake, you need to focus here.

It would behoove me to focus.

Sorry. What are the other two rules?

Number two:

Eat with your mouth closed.

Number three: Pray she has low self-esteem.

Number three isn't a rule.

For you it is.

Fine. Now let's go over my three rules.

(snorts) You've got rules?

Number one:

I'd like you not to call me Mr. Potato Head

or SpongeBob SmearPants.

How about Sir Farts Alot?

No.

Number two:

I'd think it'd be better if I call you Charlie

rather than Uncle Charlie;

so that way, we'd be more like equals.

So if we're equals,

does that mean you're going to split the check with me?

(chuckles)

I knew you'd say that, Charlie.

And number three?

Oh, there was only two; I miscounted.

* Roxanne

* You don't have to put on the red light *

* Those days are over

* You don't have to sell your body to the night. *

Oh, wait, you do.

(knocking on door)

Here we go.

Make me proud.

Hey, Alan.

Rose... oh, for God's sake.

Did Charlie put you up to this?

What are you talking about?

Charlie didn't put me up to anything.

Right. So, it's just a coincidence

that I'm sitting here waiting for a prostitute

and all of a sudden you show up at the front door?

You're waiting for a prostitute?

No.

Oh, Alan, that's not like you.

Yeah, well, when you've had your heart broken enough times

and you can't even bear the thought

of having an emotional connection

with another human being, what else is there to do?

A lot of people masturbate I hear.

Really, I've heard them.

Nevertheless,

sometimes a man needs to feel something

other than his own touch.

Have you tried switching hands?

It's like being with a clumsy stranger.

Hi.

Hi. You must be Alan's prostitute.

I'm Rose.

Hi, Rose.

Will you be joining us tonight?

No. You'll just be doing Alan this evening.

Good night, Rose.

Good night.

So, uh, come on in.

Sorry I'm a little late.

Oh, that's okay.

As long as it doesn't come out of my, you know...

winky-dink time.

* Men... *

Charlie, you haven't changed

a bit in all these years.

It has been years, hasn't it?

How many years do you think it's been?

I don't know, probably 12.

Huh.

And how old are you, honey?

Fourteen.

Thank heaven.

(French accent): "For leetle girls."

So, Milly, do you play dodgeball?

No.

I enjoy it quite a bit

because it's just man against man,

but with big red balls.

(pig Latin): Ix-nay on the allsbay.

What?

Just don't say balls.

So...

are you... living in the same place?

Yeah, still in my condo.

Right, the condo.

Boy, that takes me back.

I don't think you were ever there.

That's what I meant.

It takes me back to not being there.

The thing about dodge...

...round things, is the thrill of competition

and the deep satisfaction you get

when you see a kid's retainer fly out of his mouth

when he takes one to the face.

I hate dodgeball.

It's too violent.

You're right, it sucks.

Milly enjoys painting and writing poetry.

You know, like me.

Of course I know.

How could I not know?

So, are you still doing the whole art thing?

What do you mean?

I mean the thing you used to do

with the art... and the poetry.

Milly, did Jake tell you he's in a band?

Yeah, I'm in a band.

(sotto voce): I don't think she has low self-esteem.

* Men... *

Shall we take care of business before we get started?

Oh, oh, absolutely.

No... no money, no honey.

No... no lootie, no bootie.

No cash advance, I'm not in your pants.

That was $400, right?

Five.

Oh, of course.

Why did I think it was four?

Thanks.

So, Alan...

what do you like?

Oh, just about anything.

I'm not finicky.

Ooh, no limits, huh?

Well, you know, I'm not into animals or...

anything near my keister.

Okay, come here.

Let's get comfy.

Oh, all righty.

Ooh...

Oh, baby, you really turn me on.

Uh, uh, hang on a sec. What?

I'm a little bumped by that "turn me on" part.

I mean, I want believe you,

but I've been with enough women to know

that it doesn't happen that fast.

Sometimes it doesn't happen at all.

Honey, I would not lie to you.

No, no, of course not. Why would you lie to me?

But...

I'm just saying, it-it would help

if you could tone down the narration

to a more believable level.

All right.

Mm... Oh.

Mm, you are the best kisser.

Okay, again...

I happen to know for a fact that I'm not the best kisser.

Okay, I'm a little confused here.

I'm just not buying it.

And since I am buying it, I should be able to buy it.

All you have to do is tell the truth.

There's no need for hyperbole.

All right. Okay. Okay.

Mm...

Oh, Alan, your lips are so...

thin and dry.

Okay, now we're cookin'.

* Men... *

I think competitive eating really changed

when that Japanese guy started wetting the hot dog buns.

I actually figured out that trick myself... by accident.

So... how are your folks doing?

That's not funny, Charlie.

No, I-I-I meant, how are they doing...

in heaven?

What are you talking about?

Hell?

Are you referring to their divorce?

Yes, I am.

And divorce is hell.

But after awhile it can be like heaven.

You know, you're even prettier than I remember.

Thank you.

And you are just as charming as the first time we met.

Oh, you don't remember that.

I sure do-- it was a really hot day in July...

In my opinion, the hot dog eaters

are amateurs.

The guys who do pork ribs and spaghetti,

they're the real athletes.

Hey, hey, hey, the lady's talking here.

Oh, right-- Milly, Charlie wants to know what your mom's name is.

You don't remember my name?

What? Of course I do.

You're gonna listen to "SpongeBob SmearPants"?

(giggles)

Oh, you want play like that, huh?

Mister... Drunky-face.

What's my name, Charlie?

Just a sec.

How's your lobster, sweetheart?

You need more butter, 'cause there's plenty on Jake's shirt.

You have no idea what my name is, do you?

He doesn't have a clue.

Okay, okay, okay, I'm not good with names,

but I'll never forget the passionate nights

we spent together.

We never spent the night together.

We didn't? No.

Well, no wonder I don't remember you.

Come on, honey, we're leaving.

No, no, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait.

I gotta know...

who the hell are you?

Nice going.

Me? You're putting this on me?

Can I bring you anything else?

Yeah, get me a bottle of scotch, a taxi and a smarter kid.

Can I have a chocolate mousse, please.

* Men... *

ALAN: Oh, come on.

I just said I can't believe

I'm the biggest you've ever seen.

I mean, I'm not even the biggest I've ever seen

and I haven't seen that many.

I'm sorry, I have to go.

Why? I have a headache.

I can work with that-- I was married for 12 years.

Here's your money.

Don't ever call me again.

Okay. Second base for free.

* Men... *

(sighs)

(sputters)

(belches)

So, are either of you gonna tell me how it went tonight?

Ask your bubbleheaded son.

Ask your butt-headed brother.

You know what?

I'm not that interested.

I'm going to bed.

Oh, no, stay.

I so enjoy your company.

So, how'd it go with Alexis?

Well, uh, I don't want to brag,

but, uh, she wouldn't take my money.