Original subtitles

Not only did that movie suck, it blew chunks,

bit the big one, and then came back and sucked again.

Did you pay for it?

Yeah. With an hour and a half of my childhood

that I'll never get back.

Hey, I've seen your childhood. It's not a big loss.

You said you wanted to see it.

Because it was rated R.

But there wasn't a single boob in it.

You were there.

Oh, my God.

I know. And he talks to me that way all the time.

That's Cynthia Sullivan.

Who's Cynthia Sullivan?

She and her husband used to be friends with me and Judith.

Yeah, so?

Well, I haven't seen her since Judith and I split up.

I-I don't know if I should say hello.

They kind of took Judith's side in the divorce.

Wait a minute. We're allowed to take sides?

Nobody told me. Is it too late?

That's not funny, Charlie.

He's very hurtful to everybody, and for no reason.

CYNTHIA: Alan?

Oh, hey, Cynthia.

Hi!

Wow, what a nice surprise.

How are you? Just great.

It's been a long time.

Hi, Jake. Look how big you're getting.

It's called puberty.

It's called donuts.

Donuts don't make hair.

Uh, Cynthia, this is my brother Charlie.

Hello. Hi.

Uh, Cynthia and her husband were

good friends with me and Judith

back when we were, you know, me and Judith.

And when we were me and Bill.

What? Oh, you're not with Bill anymore?

No. You know, we decided to finally stop kidding ourselves.

You know how it is.

I-I certainly do.

No, you don't.

Of course I do.

Cynthia, did you get the house in the divorce?

Yes. So you're not currently sleeping

on your brother's hide-a-bed?

No.

You don't know how it is.

Again, completely unmotivated.

Well, okay, it was really nice to see you again, Alan.

We should get together sometime and catch up.

Yeah, that would be nice.

Nice meeting you. Bye, Jake.

You dog.

What?

Oh, come on.

The full-frontal hug, the "let's get together."

Isn't that like soccer mom talk for "do me in the cul-de-sac"?

(snickering)

What are you snickering at?

Oh, tell me that's not dirty.

Go get us a table. Come on.

Charlie, you don't understand.

She and her husband were our best friends for like ten years.

We-We traveled together, we spent vacations together...

And you never once fantasized about boinking her?

She was Judith's friend. I was her husband's friend.

Of course I did.

Yeah, hi. Two regular coffees, please

and, uh, one...

chocolate crappuccino with whipped cream and sprinkles.

Well, here's your chance to fulfill your fantasy.

Oh, no, no, I couldn't. Why not?

Well, for one thing, I don't want to upset Judith. They're still friends.

Alan, the fact that you're still drawing breath upsets Judith.

Regardless, I-I couldn't go out with Cynthia

without clearing it with her first.

Meow. (imitates whip crack)

I am not whipped.

What if the positions were reversed?

Like, uh, like Judith was single and wanted to date you.

I would certainly want her to check with me before I,

you know, blew my brains out.

Is that all it would take? What's her number?

Where did you get that?

I found it on the table.

Oh, Jake...

It's okay, I'm eating on the side without teeth marks.

Puberty, my ass. That's a missing chromosome.

No, I'm pretty sure it's a bear claw.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

I gotta go to the bathroom.

Please tell me you didn't let him eat a lot of crap.

Let him?

Judith, our son is a billy goat.

I wouldn't be surprised if he's

in there pooping out tin cans.

Lovely.

Uh, wait, Judith, I wanted to ask you something.

What?

Well, uh, we were just having coffee,

and I happened to run into...

Charlie, can you give us a minute?

No, I wanna watch this.

Why?

I think it might amuse me.

Yeah, well, seek amusement elsewhere.

Fine, I'll go talk to Herb.

Of all Judith's husbands he's my favorite, anyway.

You know, Jake's right.

Sometimes you can be hurtful

for no reason at all.

So who did you run into?

Oh, uh... Cynthia Sullivan.

Okay, so?

Uh, well, I know you're still friends, and I was wondering

if you'd be okay if I... asked her out.

Fine. Really?

Sure. You're both adults, you're both single,

and most importantly, she won't go out with you.

How do you know?

I know.

Has she said something to you?

No. But you're not her type.

Oh, really? What is her type?

Well, like her ex-husband.

Smart, funny, sensitive, good-looking.

And that's not me?

No, no... You can be funny.

Okay, okay, but if she did agree to go out with me,

you'd be okay with that?

I would, but she won't. But if she did?

She won't. She might.

She won't.

You know, Charlie's not the only one

who can be hurtful for no reason!

You know, Herb, that is a fine, fine hat.

Gotta wear it.

Otherwise, I freckle like a banana.

Well, I wouldn't want your banana to get freckled.

Let's go, Charlie.

Hang on, hang on.

We're having a real interesting conversation here.

Hey, Herb, tell Alan

what you told me about how you plant seeds.

Well, first, I make sure the soil is moist.

Uh-huh.

And tell him how you do that.

Well, I just stick my finger into old Mother Earth.

If it comes up dry, I just whip out my hose

and give it a good spritz.

And then?

Then I carefully plant the seed in the soil.

Carefully? Why carefully?

Well, because if you just fling that stuff around,

half of it's wasted.

You hear that, Alan?

If you fling your seed around, it gets wasted.

Fascinating. Let's go.

Now hold on, hold on.

How do you feel about bushes, Herb?

Well, I like a full bush.

The way God intended.

I like 'em trimmed.

What about you, Alan?

We're going. Bye, Herb.

Bye, fellas.

Why do you do that to him?

It amuses me.

* Men...

(TV playing)

ALAN: Oh, great.

So I will pick you up tonight at 7:00.

Yeah, yeah, I'm-I'm really looking forward to it.

Okay, okay, bye.

Ha!

Ha?

Yes, ha!

Judith said Cynthia wouldn't go out with me,

and she was wrong, so... Ha!

Hey, I told you she'd go out with you.

And you were right, sir. I ignore you at my own peril

when it comes to women, liquor and venereal disease.

Then listen to me now.

(broadcast stops)

Be prepared for sex tonight.

Sex? It's... it's a first date.

Not really. You and Cynthia are old friends.

You know each other, and you like each other.

You might as well smell like each other.

No, I don't think so. Not Cynthia.

Not Cynthia?

Alan, the woman's pushing 40.

She's coming off a divorce and praying that her looks hold out

long enough so she can snag some pathetic loser

she wouldn't have been caught dead with five years ago.

Oh, boy, I'm getting laid tonight!

(chuckles)

I'm saying.

Oh, I wish I could rub Judith's nose in this.

That would be a huge "ha!"

Don't worry, Judith'll find out.

Are you gonna tell her?

No.

Would you?

Alan, Cynthia will tell her.

Oh, right, right. They're friends.

More importantly, they're women.

And you know how they are-- blah, blah, blah.

They tell each other everything.

Trust me, it'll be like Judith is watching every move you make tonight.

Every move?

So bring your A-game.

Right, right.

(chuckles)

What if I don't have an A-game?

You'd better find one,

'cause you don't wanna get yanked off the mound.

Huh.

Where you going?

To warm up the ol' pitching arm.

I'm using a metaphor.

So am I.

* Men...

Oh, Alan, I have fantasized about this for so long.

Me, too. Ever since we all went to Disneyworld

and you wore that white t-shirt on Splash Mountain.

Are you sure this isn't going too fast?

Not a chance. I've been warming up all afternoon.

JUDITH: Oh, real smooth, Alan.

Go ahead. I'm just gonna sit here

and watch every move you make.

* Men...

* Men.

Oh, Alan, that was remarkable!

(chuckling)

Remarkable good, right?

Oh, yeah.

Eh!

I have to admit,

I was a little worried that this might be awkward.

How come?

Well, I mean, you know, I am friends with Judith.

We do talk.

No kidding?

Well, the next time you talk,

be sure you use the word "remarkable."

Alan, I'm not like that.

I mean, I believe in discretion.

Really? I think it's overrated.

Go ahead, tell her.

No.

In fact, you know, I wish Judith had a little more discretion.

What do you mean?

Well, she just goes on and on about her sex life with Herb.

Big Bird's pretty boring, huh?

No. I mean, the way she tells it, he is an amazing lover.

Yeah, that's what I thought... Wait.

Wait, wait. Herb Melnick is an amazing lover?

Yeah. She said he's the best that she's ever had.

No. No. That... that... that can't possibly be right.

How can that be?

Well, apparently he's just...

No. I can't go into that.

Sure, you can. Go ahead.

No. It wouldn't be right.

I'm sorry. Just forget I said anything.

Best she's ever had.

* Men.

Oh, Herb, you're the best I've ever had.

Morning.

Morning.

So, how did it go last night?

You were right. We had sex.

Then why the long face, Seabiscuit?

You're so much better than the only other man I've ever been with.

I've just got something on my mind.

Like what?

I had no idea what I was missing.

Forget it.

Oh, come on. What's bothering you?

Nothing. I'm fine.

Oh!

Oh, come on!

Come on, what?

In what universe is Herb Melnick a better lover than me?

Herb Melnick?

I thought you had sex with Cynthia last night.

I did. But you know what she told me?

That Judith told her

that Herb was the best lover she's ever had.

How does that come up while you're boffing Cynthia?

What difference does it make?

I'm just trying to picture the context.

"Oh, Cynthia, I am so turned on right now!

I wonder how Herb does it to Judith."

No, it wasn't like that.

Okay, was it, like, "Golly, you have firm buttocks.

You know who else has a nice ass? Herb Melnick."

I didn't bring up the subject of Herb's sexual prowess.

Cynthia did.

Oh, that's never a good sign.

15 years Judith and I were together--

12 years of marriage--

and the best sex we ever had was mediocre.

If you were having bad sex, why did you marry her?

What kind of stupid question is that?

I told you, we were having sex.

But she never enjoyed it.

Certainly never sought it out.

Then Herb Melnick comes along

with his tousled hair and goofy charm

and lights her up like an all-night liquor store.

Huh.

So you're saying... Farmer Herb is tilling soil

you couldn't even get your hoe into.

M-My hoe?

Yeah, you know, with an "E"? Hoe.

Fine. Yes.

And it's bothering you to know that night after night

he's planting a tree in Israel.

And by Israel, I mean Judith.

Yes.

And, by tree, I mean...

I know what you mean. Okay? I get it.

God! Why do you do this to me?

Haven't I made that clear? It amuses me.

Well, it's driving me nuts.

I mean, what's his secret? How does he do it?

Maybe he's got a big trouser monkey.

Have you been listening this whole time?

Wouldn't you?

You think she's right?

You think he's just well-endowed?

He could be.

He's what, six four? Got big hands.

If everything else is proportional,

I'm guessing he could ring doorbells with that thing.

You're not helping.

I rarely do.

Oh, come on, Alan, you're looking at this the wrong way.

What do you mean?

Well...

you're seeing your ex-wife as half empty.

But with Herb in the picture...

Shut up.

Oh, get a room.

* Men...

Oh, Alan!

Oh, Cynthia!

JUDITH: Oh, Herb!

Hey, buddy.

Okay, I can't do this.

Well, wh-what's the matter?

I got to know-- what makes Herb the best Judith's ever had?

I thought we settled this.

Yeah, but it's driving me crazy.

I mean, is it just physical endowment?

What?!

You know, can he put a hat on it and drive in the carpool lane?

I am not gonna repeat what a friend said to me in confidence.

Don't give me that-- you're a woman.

That's all you guys do-- blah, blah, blah.

(groans)

You know what I think?

I think that you're still not over Judith.

Oh, please, I don't care about Judith.

I just... I can't wrap my head around Herb's penis.

Okay, I just realized

why your marriage ended. Why?

Because something is very wrong with you.

(door closes)

Oh, that.

I think you should go home.

But-but you said I was remarkable.

Get out!

Fine.

Okay, I'll see you guys at home.

* Men.

* Oh, I come from Alabama with a banjo on my knee *

* Gonna grow tomatoes, and I've got some baby peas. *

Hey, fellas.

Hey.

Here to pick up Jake?

Yeah.

Another weekend with the boy.

Gonna take him to the movies.

Oh. Okay.

Well, he's waiting for you.

Oh, great. Great.

Yeah. Come on, Alan.

I didn't see anything, did you?

Nothing jumped out at me.

I just don't get it-- what is his secret?

Maybe he doesn't have a secret.

What do you mean? (rings doorbell)

I mean, you didn't set the bar too high to begin with.

It's like Judith spent 15 years

living on peanut butter and jelly.

So if someone comes along and offers her baloney,

she's gonna think it's a steak sandwich.

Jake, your father's here!

So, I'm sorry to hear about you and Cynthia.

She told you. Of course she told me-- we're friends.

Oh. Did she happen to mention the word... "remarkable"?

No, but she did say she didn't think you were over me.

Oh, he's over you. Right, Alan?

(chuckles): Right.

But what's the deal with Herb's junk?

What?

Nothing. Nothing.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, buddy, let's go. Bye, Judith.

Real subtle.

Sometimes you just gotta ask.

See you on Sunday, Herb.

Okay. Have a good weekend.

(seeds rustling)

(spitting)

Wow! Look at him go.

Okay, mystery solved.

* Men...

Good for you-- never too late to learn.

* Men...