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Hello and welcome to the Big Fat Quiz of Telly.

It's a TV show about TV shows.

All we need now is for this TV show to be talked about

on the TV show Gogglebox, and the whole world

will fold in upon itself.

LAUGHTER

Let's meet the teams.

It looks like the Mitchell brothers have been at the Ozempic...

LAUGHTER

They're a couple of good eggs.

It's Harry Hill and Tom Allen.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you.

You do have the air of the before photo from a Turkish lab.

Yeah. Yes, and you being the after, presumably.

Oh, yes.

HE SQUEAKS A LAUGH

If we put our heads together, we look like a builder's bum.

Oh, yes.

You like that? Nice. Thanks.

I've got a. Feeling that somewhere in a Wetherspoons,

there's a hen night two ladies down

because they're here with us.

It's Judi Love and Joanne McNally.

What were you whispering about? No. She was smelling my fingers.

I was trying to figure out what the smell on her fingers is.

LAUGHTER

What do you think it might be?

I thought it might be fish.

No, it was kebab and onions.

HE LAUGHS

OK, well, that concludes our Smell My Finger round.

THEY LAUGH Not necessarily.

Our final team - she's a talented, charismatic actress,

and he...is sitting next to her.

Susan Wokoma and Sam Campbell.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Wow.

We've got a great team. You've got a great team.

What do you think of our outfits, Jimmy?

Er, your outfits? Yes.

I mean, it's a shame they didn't have that jacket in your size,

but I like it.

LAUGHTER

It's The Big Fat Quiz of Telly.

Favourite TV villains and heroes, have you got any? Harry?

Well, Hitler did some bad things.

I mean... That is... That is...

I mean, he was on TV all the time in the early '40s,

and then he seemed to dry up until the advent of Channel 5.

He was on virtually every night.

It's going to be tough to beat for everyone else.

Sam. Favourite...? Oh, don't get me started, Jimmy.

OK, that's enough from Sam.

For villain, I'd say Paula Vennells from the Post Office Scandal.

OK, well, I asked AI to imagine you in classic TV genres.

Here's what AI came up with.

So, this is Judi and Joanne - 2 Girls, 1 Cop it came up with.

UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER

I think, Judi, you're the cop in this and you've brought your

friend along who's got a bit of a drinking problem,

but she's good with True Crime.

SHE SPUTTERS A LAUGH

I think AI was being PC and it made sure I was the cop

and you was the drunk. Yeah. Fair, fair.

Susan and Sam, let's take a look at yours.

We've gone with, erm... THEY "OOH" AND "AH"

..somehow thought you would be suitable for children.

That's nice. Yeah. This is cute. Yeah, that's cute.

Yeah, it's absolutely fine, but I definitely wouldn't...

I don't trust AI stuff, d'you know what I mean?

I saw someone had made a fake article of you recently, a fake AI.

Right? Where they made it look like you performed at

the Riyadh Comedy Festival.

LAUGHTER

In Saudi Arabia.

APPLAUSE

No, I was... I said, "Our Jimmy wouldn't do that!"

Oh, I would. "He wouldn't do that!"

This guy... I so would.

Harry, Tom, let's have a look at you.

Oh-h-h! Oh!

Not what I was expecting. It's a great... That's great.

It's a great title as well. Eggs On The Beach.

Oh, yes. Sizzling hot eggs, yeah!

Harry, you're jacked! SUSAN: Harry! Look at that chest!

Can we have that printed off? Can we get it...

..laminated and made into table mats?

Why have I got that outfit on? Why can't I have the sexy...?

Because you're wearing THAT outfit now.

Why can't I have the sexy Harry Hill outfit on? Yeah.

Rather than the... I'm even wearing verruca socks.

All right. Have you got team names?

Harry, Tom - what's your team name this evening?

I thought Hair Balding.

Very good TV name, Hair Balding. Very good.

Judi, Joanne? Well, we've gone with, erm...

Taking into consideration everything that we have to offer,

and Judi's from Jamaica, I'm from Ireland, we're both women -

we said we'd go with The Jamirish Labias.

Yeah. She's the inside, I'm the outside.

I don't really know what that is.

You came out, of one, Tom.

I think that's probably the last time he was IN one. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Susan, Sam, what's your team name?

Sam, Go for it. What's our name? Erm...

Look, It's Susan Wokoma...And Sam Campbell As Well.

Yeah, that's not going to fit on our screens,

so we're going to need to stub that down somewhat.

Susan And Sam.

Which makes you feel like children's entertainers again, but OK.

Fair enough then. Yeah. It's good.

OK. Right. Let's get on with the show.

Our first round is all about telly's memorable moments.

In 1985, Live Aid was watched by over 1.5 billion people.

It featured the biggest names in music,

as well as the Boomtown Rats because they thought of the idea.

It's a bit like when you get a game of footy in the park

cos it's your ball.

I mean, that Live Aid may have got 1.5 billion viewers,

but it didn't get a series.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yeah, good point. Well made.

In 2005, Doctor Who got a reboot after 16 years off our screens.

The Doctor woke up with a completely different face.

Well, I know what THAT'S like.

All right, our first round of questions.

OK. TV's memorable moments. Here we go.

First question... Oh, well, for our first question,

it's over to friend of the show, Jack Whitehall.

Hi, Jimmy. My new TV show, Malice, is full of

big family secrets, much like EastEnders.

But in 2001, the square was rocked by a family

revelation resulting in one of the most iconic moments.

Zoe Slater shouted, "You can't tell me what to do, you ain't my mother!"

But what was Kat Slater's response?

How come he gets to video his questions and we have to turn up?

It doesn't seem fair, does it?

OK, so Jack wants to know what Kat Slater infamously said

in response to "you ain't my mother".

WHISPERED: Really? Yeah.

OK. Back in 2015, newsreader and friend of the show,

Jon Snow, was cascaded into a very, very dark place

and left frightened and paranoid, all whilst being filmed

by Channel 4. Why?

So back in 2015, newsreader and friend of the show,

Jon Snow was cascaded into a very, very dark place. Why?

OK. Of course, it wouldn't be The Big Fat quiz without

an appearance from the children of Mitchell Brook Primary School

performing one of their unconventional school plays.

Take a look.

BOTH: Welcome to the jungle, celebrities!

ALL: Yay!

You're live, so don't be naughty. We're hungry.

Would you like some creepy crawlies? ALL: No!

Bleh-h-h!

Fish guts milkshake?

Bleh-h-h!

It's time for a challenge. But for who?

Dom. Hello?

It's not you.

Phew...

Shawn.

It's not you. You twisted my melon, man.

Stacey. O-M-G!

It's not you. Yay!

Gillian.

It's you! Oh, no, not again!

Oh, no... I don't feel very well.

ALL: Uh-oh!

Er, see you after the break? Get me out of here!

OK. That was, of course, Gillian McKeith fainting

on I'm A Celebrity back in 2010.

She got in trouble earlier in the series

for smuggling contraband such as salt, soup,

teabags and stock cubes into the camp.

How did she smuggle them in? That's what I want to know.

How did she smuggle contraband into the camp?

Yeah, yeah.

Named as one of the greatest Simpsons episodes ever,

Who Shot Mr Burns? Part 1 ended on a cliff-hanger.

Betting odds were even released on the shooter's identity.

All I want to know is who shot Mr Burns?

Yeah? Go for it.

OK. Are you ready for answers?

Yes! Yeah. Oh, yeah.

The first round of answers, OK.

So Jack Whitehall wanted to know what Kat Slater said to Zoe Slater.

What was it?

"Yes, I am!" "I absolutely am."

"Yes, I am!" And you think it was "Yes, I absolutely am"?

No, no, no. No. We're locking in. Yes, I am.

Yes, I am! I am your mother!

You're locking that in, are you?

Wait. IMITATING ACTORS: "You ain't my mother."

The reply was, "YES, I AM!" "Yes, I am.

Oh. "I've gotta be." No.

Nailed that.Please don't... LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH

"We can get tests done. I swear." Please.

"We're blood! We're blood, Kat Slater.

"We're blood." Ignore this man.

"Yes, I am." OK. Judi, Joanne, did you get this?

Yeah, we said, "Yes, I am."

How have you... What did you spell there?

Mudda. That was my...

Mudda? We was talking about it cos

"Yes, I am" is what we were saying.

And I was saying, "Obviously, if I said it, I'd be like "your Mudda!""

I will give you that.

Harry, Tom?

We just thought maybe she suddenly became very inquisitive

and said, "I beg your pardon?"

TOM CLEARS THROAT HARRY:Would that be possible?

Would that be possible, that she'd just be so taken aback?

IN COCKNEY ACCENT: "You ain't my mother."

IN RP ACCENT: "I beg your pardon?"

No points. Points, points. OK.

OK, I asked you why Jon Snow was left frightened and paranoid.

What did you put?

Was he in Celebrity Naked Attraction for Children In Need?

I'm sure I saw that

and it was the one with Nicola Sturgeon and Richard Osman.

Oh!And, um... CROWD GROANS

Ah, that paints a picture, doesn't it?

Well, that was the problem

because the thing went up and normally the first bit,

it goes up just to reveal

the technical details.

I like to call them the technical details.

Yeah, but it cleared

Nicola Sturgeon completely...

..and only revealed Richard Osman's knees.

So she ran out and tried to grab, push his up

and it went up and she got

taken up and she ended up...

She ended up on his shoulders.

But it raise a lot of money for charity.

Is the correct answer.

Is that right?

Well, it's not what I've got on the card,

but I think we all remember where we were when we saw that.

What did you put, Judi, Joanne?

We've said he was, I think he was doing a doc about drugs,

and he was high as a kite.

OK. Susan, Sam?

Yeah. We said he smoked marijuana and went nuts.

Yeah. And he was, like, doing the news,

and he was just like, "Let's just put on some music, man.

"Let's just relax."

OK, so points, points, no points.

What? This is really rigged against us.

Yeah. It really is.

Just because we don't watch Channel 4.

Yeah, he got stoned on skunk on Channel 4's Drugs Live.

I love someone getting high whilst wearing cufflinks.

OK. I asked you how Gillian Mckeith

smuggled contraband into I'm A Celebrity back in 2010.

Did you get this, Susan, Sam?

Yeah, I think... So, I've never watched I'm A Celebrity...

JUDI GASPS ..but I will probably be asked to be on it next year

and I'll say yes cos it's been... Cost of living. Um...

LAUGHTER But I do culturally know it

and I think she smuggled it into her pants.

But then you listed all the items

and that's a lot of items.

And she is a wee lady.

Yeah, we believe she got some sort of maybe a scientist

to create custom designed undergarments.

So we think it was, like, a custom job.

Joanne, Judi, what did you put?

Well, I thought first it was vaginally, as one would.

JUDI: Yeah. SUSAN: Yeah. That's how I carry things.

Yeah. In emergency.

I believe we call that the prison pocket.

JUDI: The prison pocket. Nature's pocket.

Yes. Nature's pocket.

My nan, actually, when she was in prison,

she did smuggle a phone in,

you know, in that...

And it was a bit uncomfortable for her

because it was a landline.

Why was she incarcerated and sent to prison?

Just a white collar crime.

Stuff went missing at work.

Yeah. Quite a big collar, was it?

All right. So, Joanne, Judi, what did you...

You didn't give us your answer.

No, we talked it through and said "knickers". Yeah.

Knickers? OK, so knickers,

smuggled in in specially made pants

and you've gone for...?

We thought maybe that

she smuggled it in Nigel Havers.

Because he was in the jungle at the same time. TOM: Hmm.

SUSAN: Oh, was he? And he is a notorious mule.

Hmm.

Well, let's take a look.

I smuggled in rock salt for the meat eaters in my knickers.

I smuggled the herbal mix

that I prepared myself in my knickers.

Miso soup smuggled in my knickers.

This is celery, garlic,

several nettle tea bags,

cumin powder,

miso liquid, miso powder.

OK, I've got one, two, three, four, five, six herbal cubes.

Oh, another herbal stock cube.

I smuggled the celery and garlic powder in my knickers.

She loves things with a Japanese flair, clearly.

She's got so much miso up herself, she's like Kyoto.

Famously, she smuggled them in her knickers.

OK. SUSAN: Damn.

I wanted to know who shot Mr Burns on The Simpsons.

Who did you think?

Well, we put... It was just a stab in the dark.

We put Marge Simpson. Yeah, we put Marge Simpson.

Why not? Just trying to play along with it. Yeah.

Yeah, stab in the dark was wrong as well.

He was shot.

Judi, Joanne, what did you put?

I'd suggested the baby did it.

Yeah. You did.

Right. But we didn't put that down.

We conversed and we decided on shopkeeper.

That was Judi's suggestion.

Yeah. Yeah.

OK, so you pinned it on the minority?

Fine.

I did think that at the time, I was like,

"He was the only person that stood out to me."

I'm glad Judi said it. Not anyone else.

I think she's going to be OK.

OK. Susan, Sam, what did you think?

SAM: I was not allowed to watch it growing up.

My parents said that Homer was a bad role model.

They were worried I was going to start working

at a nuclear power plant.

Yeah, you could have turned out weird.

Anyway, we think it was the baby.

Well, I can tell you Maggie Simpson is the right answer.

It was the baby. JOANNE: Oh... SUSAN: Yeah.

TOM: Oh, no. Yeah.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK.

That crim.

So at the end of the first round, let's check in on the scores.

So far, Harry and Tom have no points,

They've done absolutely nothing so far.

Judi and Joanne have got three points.

Susan and Sam have four points.

They're in the lead.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Whoa.

Time to take a short break.

I'm off to smoke a fat one with Jon Snow.

See you in five.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE WHISTLING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE WHISTLING

Welcome back to The Big Fat Quiz of Telly -

or if you're watching this in the future,

the quiz about that thing before TikTok.

You remember.

Our next round is all about game shows.

Beast Games, hosted by online star Mr Beast,

broke 44 world records,

including largest ever cash prize and creepiest looking host.

University Challenge is a long-running British quiz show.

Of course, these days, the biggest university challenge

is finding a job afterwards.

If you don't know University Challenge,

it's basically just like The Big Fat Quiz of Telly,

but with annoying, unfuckable boffins.

Not like us. No way.

All right. Time for some questions.

For our first question,

it's over to Chase's Shaun Wallace and Jenny Ryan.

BOTH: Hi, Jimmy.

The Chase has been on our screens for 16 years now,

and all of us Chasers have had iconic nicknames from the start.

I'm The Vixen. And I'm The Dark Destroyer.

But can your teams name two of our fellow Chasers' nicknames?

OK. Oh, that's a tough one.

So, that was The Dark Destroyer and The Vixen.

They just want you to name two other Chasers.

All right. In 2016, Snoop Dogg appeared

on the US version of Family Fortunes, Family Feud.

He was playing against boxing legend Sugar Ray Leonard.

Here is a list of the top answers.

What was the question?

Sugar's a very camp name for a boxer, isn't it?

What sort of gloves does he wear? Oven gloves?

Well, they're competing for gloves and a belt,

so yeah, maybe. Oh, that's true, isn't it?

What do they get if they do really well? A handbag?

OK. Take a look at these contestants.

All I want to know is, what have they all just done?

CONTESTANTS GROAN

OK? The Traitors has been one of the biggest TV hits in recent years

and the celebrity version saw Alan Carr murder in plain sight.

He killed off Celia Imrie

by raising a toast and reciting a particular line.

What was that line?

If you've not seen it, spoiler.

All right, let's see how you got on.

So Shaun Wallace and Jenny Ryan

asked you to name two of their fellow Chasers.

Sam, who do you think the Chasers were?

We just tried to say heaps

and hope that we got a couple.

OK, go on. What have you got?

We got The Sinnerman, The Termite,

The Beast, The Vampire,

The Hypnotist.

OK, The Sinnerman is right. And... SUSAN GASPS

Oh, and another one!

And another one.

Er... Oh, The Beast. The Beast?

The Beast. Yeah.

So we got two right? Yeah. You got two right.

Joanne, Judi, did you get these?

Yeah, of course.

We got Jet and Storm.

Different show. JOANNE: Oh.

You know, different show, same show. You know TV.

Copy and paste. Let's go.

Tom, Harry, what did you put?

The thing with these names is

you want to have something quite scary, don't you?

If I had a Chaser name,

I think I'd be known as, like,

The Mincer or, um...

Or The Gardener.

Or if I wanted to be really scary,

it would be something like

The GP's Receptionist.

Frightening, wouldn't it?

You'd be frightened. Ooh.

You wouldn't understand.

It's something that happens in the

National Health Service, Jimmy.

APPLAUSE Right.

Never used it. Didn't pay in, not taken out.

We had a few thoughts

about who they could be.

We weren't sure, though.

We weren't sure.

Um, but we went for Gary and Sheila.

OK. You could have had The Menace,

The Beast, The Sinnerman, and The Governess.

OK. I asked you for the question

that gave us these answers

in Snoop Dogg's Family Feud episode.

What do you think? What was the question?

Things you'd say to your husband

if he told you he got

someone else pregnant?

Laugh, call the cops,

ask for a hit. Yeah.

OK. Susan, Sam?

Uh, so... This was a tough one.

It was a tough one. Go on.

Well, if we know Snoop, it's

"What would you say if an old man was rude to you?"

Yeah. And it applies to

"beat his old arse,"

"laugh", "call the cops",

"yell, scold him."

But yes. "Toss it, flush it",

"ask for a hit", that's where it...

We lost it. OK. SAM: That works.

If an old man is rude to me,

sometimes I'll just toss it and flush it.

Be warned, Harry.

Harry, Tom?

We thought maybe it was the track listing

for the new Lily Allen album.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I can tell you the answer was "Name something Grandma might do

"If she caught Grandpa smoking marijuana."

Oh.

It's very specific. What, the correct answer?

Yeah. They are, aren't they?

We might take a half point for this one, Jimmy.

You might take a half point?

Oh. Yeah. Might you?

I've got to drive. Just a half.

OK. I asked you what these three contestants

had just done on TV.

Well, we said, "Missed the sale

at Oak Furnitureland.

It is good.

It doesn't come around very often.

That doesn't work.

I mean, it works for the one on the right and the one in the centre,

but the guy on the left looks like he just made it. SUSAN: Yeah.

TOM: Yeah. Judi, Joanne, have you got this?

Well, we put "won money".

Won money? OK.

The facial expressions, it's only money that's going to make...

Well, there's other things,

but I think... HARRY: Oh, won money, yeah.

We knew we were being tricked

into saying orgasming.

Yeah. That's the first face.

The second guy looks like he's climaxing on his own.

If you look right there... Yeah.

The second guy looks like he's looking at his own work.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, you can clap. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE JIMMY CLEARS THROAT

Sam, Susan, what have you gone with?

Well, we've gone that they've

all just won $1 million... SAM: Yeah.

..on probably, you know,

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire or something.

That's exactly the right answer.

Oh.JUDI:Ooh. APPLAUSE

So points, points, no points.

SUSAN: Smashed it. I asked you what line Alan Carr repeated

to kill Celia Imrie on Celebrity Traitors.

What did you all put?

We went quite... We went, um...

.."You're dead now."

You think he said on Celebrity Traitors,

when he killed someone on the show -

famously, the show about bluffing -

"You're dead now"?

I... D'you think maybe that might have given it away a bit?

Sometimes you are given a task, right?

And just when you've got a sip of drink or something,

so he might have sipped the drink and went,

"You're dead now, bitch."

Oh.

Harry, Tom, what did you put?

If it's Celia Imrie, why have you put a photo of Cliff Richard up?

I mean, she is a dear friend of mine,

and I apologise, but that is very funny.

But in short, the answer is,

Was it, "Smelt it, dealt it"?

No, it was not "Smelt it, dealt it."

Sam, what did you write?

"To part is such sweet sorrow, my ladyship."

Is he right?

He is right, yeah.

Thick. The answer is,

"Parting is such sweet sorrow." APPLAUSE

JUDI: Yeah. Wow.

OK. Time now for a bonus round.

And to host it, please welcome TV legend Levi Roots!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Looking good.

Now, obviously you made your name on Dragons' Den.

I did, yes. You went in there with Reggae Reggae Sauce.

I did, yeah.

How'd you do? Well, I remember going on.

It was a bit of a kerfuffle.

I said to the producer

that I wanted to sing on the show,

and they said nobody had ever sang on the show before.

Right, cos it's Dragons' Den. Cos it's Dragons' Den.

This is an enterprise and what the fuck are you doing

with a guitar on the show?

I took a look at the Dragons... Valid questions. I'm on their side. LEVI CHUCKLES

So I took one look at the guitar, and I just started.

# It's so nice I had to name it twice

# I call it Reggae Reggae Sauce... #

And I saw Duncan Bannatyne

sitting on the right and I thought,

"Let me have a look to see if the music is doing the business."

And I saw him doing a little white man's jig on his desk.

Yeah. What are those white men like?

And then I knew... I know, I know.

And that's when I thought I knew I had them.

And it's been fantastic ever since.

It has been good, right?

It's been, like... It has been amazing. It's the biggest hit.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yes.It's the biggest hit.

I'm seeing my man over there, Harry,

cos he's the first man who invited me on a TV show afterwards.

HARRY: That's right. SUSAN: Aw. Respect, sir.

Yeah. I never saw any of that money.

Harry, I think you was the first person to let me do stand-up

as well on your show.

Yes, I'm a benefactor of the arts.

I get it. I get it, Harry. That's very nice of you.

You know, we all make mistakes. Don't worry about it.

And now Levi, you've got a question for us.

I have indeed, yes. I have indeed. What's your question?

Well, yes. Well, I'm going to be giving you guys

three iconic dishes from some of the biggest sitcoms of all times,

and you guys need to write down the shows which they are from.

We're going to give you the dishes.

You've just got to name... CONTESTANTS EXCLAIM EXCITEDLY

..the sitcom they are from.

JOANNE: Oh, my God. TOM: Oy vey!

SUSAN: Oh, OK. SAM: It's a veritable feast.

It's a feast, isn't it?

HARRY: Oh, trust us to get that one.

OK, so you've got your dishes.

Feel free to tuck in.

Oh, I'm so glad.

Teams, write down what shows you think these dishes are for.

I'm looking for three answers.

Oh. Three answers. Tom, are you trying that?

Don't worry. I've got all the layers in my trifle.

Well, you've made that sound filthy.

JUDI: Ugh. Oh, is that minced meat?

HARRY: It's mince.

It's like the sweet and then the savoury... With custard?

..which, um...

Joanne, can you hold up the jelly so people can see? JOANNE: Sure.

There's a stapler in it or some... Yeah.

Yeah, that's very much the clue.

Ooh. Real jelly.

I'm sorry. You weren't expecting that somehow, Judi. What?

Not to feel... Oh. It's very...

It's very jelly-ish.

Yeah, and that is... That's really good. Hm.

Well, maybe you should get yours done.

Yeah.

So write down the sitcom it's from.

You've got to write all three down.

All three? JOANNE: Oh. All three.

So, the trifle with meat and peas in it,

the jelly with the stapler in it

and what have you got, Sam, Susan?

A curry. A curry. LEVI: Pungent stuff.

Yeah. You've got chicken bhuna, lamb bhuna... SUSAN: Yeah.

..prawn bhuna, mushroom rice... Oh. I know.

..bag of chips, keema naan, nine poppadoms and a saag aloo.

Could you hold it so the others can see it?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Don't tip it, though.

HARRY: Up a bit. So a huge curry.

APPLAUSE Why is that getting a round of applause?

SAM: Hey-hey!

Thank you. I'm sorry, but that is very patronising to Sam Campbell.

He's a grown man. Who wants to see the curry again?!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

People are going crazy for this curry!

Judi and Joanne, what have you written?

What three sitcoms?

JOANNE: Well, I would recognise

that dish anywhere.

That is the one that Rachel in Friends made

cos the two pages of the recipe book

got stuck together or something,

and she made half a shepherd's pie and half a trifle.

Nice. And all the friends ate it

to be sound.

Yeah. Bit far-fetched. Nice.

OK. Our one is The Office.

Yeah? OK. It's just that simple.

Oh, The Office. Oh, yes.

Got in there. And the last one, Joanne?

Well, when you listed out all the bhunas,

I realised it's from Gavin And Stacey

when James Corden won't share his bhuna.

Yes, yes and yes.

Yep.All three. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Perfect.

Susan and Sam, did you get all three?

OK, so I was really struggling with

the curry because I was like,

that could be any TV show cos that's what that was about.

Then you listed everything and then I was like,

"Gavin And Stacey." Yeah.

And then Sam got The Office with the jelly.

And he also suggested The Royal Wedding,

which we realise is... For the trifle.

We realise that's not a sitcom.

Isn't it? Exactly. Have you seen the episode with Andrew?

Hilarious.

But two out of three's not bad.

Yeah. Two out of three's not bad.

OK. Did you get these, Tom, Harry?

We got Friends. Ooh. We got Gavin And Stacey.

Yeah. And then Harry said...

..that it was the sitcom Stapler In A Jelly.

I don't know. What's that supposed to mean?

I'm stuck here with these people all night.

You're fine. You just get to turn up,

ask a question, then you get to go off to your fabulous life. LEVI: Oh, I know.

I'm stuck here for the whole evening with these. Yeah.

Serve you right, yeah.

APPLAUSE Serve you right.

It does serve me right.

All right, let's take a look and see what that's done to the scores.

OK, so miraculously, Harry and Tom now have two points.

Yay. All right, come on. That is something.

Judi and Joanne have seven.

In the lead, Susan and Sam with nine points.

SUSAN GASPS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Parting is such sweet sorrow,

but we got to say goodbye and thank you to Levi Roots. Oh, OK.

See you in five. Yes! Thanks for coming, mate!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome back to The Big Fat Quiz of Telly,

the show that tells you how much of your life

you've spent not really having a life.

This next round is all about reality TV.

Married At First Sight began in 2015

and involves perfect strangers being married off to each other.

It's essentially people trafficking, but in a fun way.

Below Deck - or as I like to call it, Geordie Offshore...

If you've never seen it,

imagine the film Titanic, but you're rooting for the iceberg.

All right, are you ready for reality questions?

JUDI: Yes. Yeah. Here we go, OK.

A highlight of RuPaul's Drag Race is the Snatch Game...

Which wasn't what I thought it was at all.

..where the contestants do their best celebrity impressions.

I'm going to show you three drag queen impressions

of iconic TV stars.

All you need to do is tell me who they're impersonating.

Here's the first one.

IN AMERICAN ACCENT: I was on a flight back from Ibiza yesterday.

RUPAUL: That's in Spain, right?

I think. Yeah. I just go to sleep with a couple pills, wake up and DJ.

What songs do you like to play when you're DJing?

I honestly just press play and hope for the best.

OK, so who was that?

You just write down your answers.

I'll show you the next one.

I'm claustrophobic, Darren!

They don't get it.

I'm claustrophobic!

I know, darling. So happy you're here.

OK, final one.

I love nothing more than roasting a chorizo,

letting the fresh oils drip seductively

down my breasts and lap up the fluids from the saucepan.

It's in the new book, darling.

So that was spoony...

Could it be...

OK, for our next question,

it's over to BBC Breakfast's Naga Munchetty.

Hi, Jimmy.

As a journalist, it's hard to ignore the impact

the Kardashian family has had

since their reality show first aired back in 2007.

A term was coined to describe the matriarch of the show,

Kris Jenner - a term

she herself even filed to trademark back in 2015.

What was it?

OK, she wants to know what term was given to Kris Jenner

that Kris Jenner then tried to trademark.

I realised quite early on

that I wasn't able to keep up with the Kardashians.

LAUGHTER

Next question in this round - BBC Three's

Don't Tell The Bride gives the groom

full control over planning his wedding.

Most of the weddings had weird themes.

Can you guess the themes for these three weddings?

OK, here's the first one.

What theme is that?

THEY CONFER

Oh!

All right, let's have the next one.

Yeah. There you go.

LAUGHTER

Excellent. Great theme for a wedding.

And the last one...

AUDIENCE: Oh!

Oh, my God. OK.

I should point out there that

that is not Tom and Harry in the foreground.

LAUGHTER

Finally, which show fines contestants

$3,000 for kissing,

$5,000 for touching and grinding,

and a whopping $20,000 for sex.

What? I know which it is. It's on...

Can I tell you what he just said? What he was going to say?

He just said, "Call the midwife."

LAUGHTER

Don't reveal our secrets when we're still planning.

All right, are you ready for some answers?

Yeah. All right.

I asked you to identify three Snatch Game impressions.

What did you all put?

Well, we had Mary Berry.

LAUGHTER

You thought the first one was Mary Berry.

But then we also thought the second one was Mary Berry.

Interesting - just different interpretations.

Yeah. Yeah, OK.

And then the third one?

I'm going to guess...

Paul Hollywood.

LAUGHTER

OK, Judi, did you get this?

Paris Hilton?

OK, you think Paris Hilton.

Gemma Collins... And, uh...

We actually wrote Nigel because we ran out of space.

But we... Nigella. Nigella. Nigella.

Nigella. OK. Susan and Sam?

We went for Paris Hilton,

Gemma Collins and Nigella Lawson, a TV chef of much renown.

Who wrote that bit?

LAUGHTER

I know, maybe...

I just to add my little garnish

after Susan gets the questions right.

LAUGHTER

Let's take a look.

That's Gottmik as Paris Hilton.

That's Kitty Scott-Claus as Gemma Collins.

Oh, not Mary Berry.

LAUGHTER

And Ella Vaday as Nigella Lawson.

Judi, any drag names?

I feel like my name is already a drag name.

It's already up there. Yeah, Judi Love.

Like, it's fairly draggy.

Yeah. It's Already Up There is good also.

LAUGHTER

I think mine would be Joanna Restraining Order.

Oh, that's very fun, yeah.

I would just be Miss Ogyny. I think I'd nail it.

Question two, all right.

We asked you what term did Kris Jenner try to trademark in 2015?

What did you all get?

We thought one word - Famsploiter -

someone who exploits their family for money.

It's very close. It's so almost nearly right.

Judi, Joanne?

I thought it might have been...

Do you remember they used to make that noise?

Brr-rr-rr!

They used to do that all the time to each other.

Do you know that Paris Hilton successfully trademarked,

"That's hot."

You know, she used to always say, "That's hot."

How much do you owe her for saying that twice?

Well, that's what I mean.

Does she just shoot down through the roof and take a tenner?

I don't understand how it works.

How can you trademark, "That's hot?"

You'd have no weather reports.

I don't get it.

SAM: This is Paris Hilton, yeah?

Yeah.

SAM: A little bird told me

that her family owns a very successful hotel chain.

Great knowledge there.

OK, Susan, Sam, did you get this?

So Sam thinks...

Read yours then.

Octomum. OK, cool.

You think the Kardashians' mother had eight Kardashians in one go?

Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, Kameron... I tried to do this.

Let's get crazy.

Kelly... And, Sam. There he is.

OK. And I went for Momager.

Like, as in a Momager. As in manager.

Correct answer. Am I right? Yeah.

APPLAUSE

What do you reckon?

Even after I got it right, he's like, "Hm..."

What? do you not think that's right?

It's right. Let's take it to...

Yeah, let's take it upstairs.

I asked you to guess the theme of these

Don't Tell The Bride weddings. Any ideas?

So the top one there - what do you think?

Well, actually, no - I think it's Scott and Charlene a bit.

JUDI: Yeah, Scott and Charlene.

But we put Crocodile Dundee.

I think it's Jason and Kylie. But what I meant was...

Jason and Kylie. Neighbours. Neighbours.

Susan, Sam?

Sam went with...

Well, white people.

Was the theme.

I can tell you that was Neighbours theme.

Oh, yeah! You get points, Judi and Joanne.

OK, the next one. Let's have a look.

JUDI: House On The Prairie.

You thought that was Little House On The Prairie?

OK, famous for its top hats.

Yep. Why not?

Harry said, "Northern."

Well, only because they've got,

like, an Ant and Dec-o-gram.

Oh, yeah! On the left, yeah.

Susan, Sam, what did you put?

We've gone for, like, Jane Austen, but...

Yeah, but I think it's more like Charles Dickens.

Oh, no. Jane... Hup-up-up...

OK, Jane Austen.

I'll give you a point for that, yeah.

OK, last one?

We went with X-Files.

You went with X-Files?

Very close. Not right, but close.

What did you get, Tom, Harry?

We thought it was Jeff Bezos's wedding.

And that's his baby.

OK, I sort of don't want to ask, but, uh, Susan, Sam?

What have you got?

Scientology.

LAUGHTER

OK, so it was Men In Black-themed, that wedding.

SUSAN: Oh, was it?

Of course. Men In Black.

So it was Neighbours, Pride And Prejudice and Men In Black.

OK, so I asked you what show had a fine list for sexual interactions.

What did you all put?

Morning Live.

Sam, Susan, what did you put?

Big Brother. Big Brother.

But, like, someone did have sex

under a table in Big Brother, didn't they, at one point?

And Kinga famously... Oh, yes.

Put a bottle... Yeah. ..in a thing. Yeah.

OK.

Judi, Joanne?

Well, I think I've seen this,

and I think it was a dating show on one of them streamers.

And I think it's something like Hot To Handle, Too Hot To Handle,

something like that.

Netflix, Too Hot To Handle? Yeah.

Is the right answer.

Ooh! Nice.

APPLAUSE

If you've not seen it, the show revolves

around a group of singletons placed together

in a house while being forbidden from any kissing,

sexual content or masturbation,

with the prize money getting reduced if any rule is broken.

Is this over a limited time period or is it for life?

This is for life. This is for life, yeah.

Time now for a special bonus round.

I'm going to show you three iconic moments of reality TV,

which have all been subtly improved.

All you need to do is tell me the show, OK?

So we'll do these one at a time.

So here's the first one.

So I don't think you actually ever genuinely liked me at all.

OK. Like for example, Tommy and Molly stayed up all night

chatting in bed.

You literally, like,

give me a quick kiss, turn over and go to sleep.

In the morning, if someone likes you,

they want to have a cuddle in bed with you in the morning.

I know, and I also want to be the person

that gets up and makes everyone a coffee.

So everyone's ready for the morning.

OK.

That is, of course, me two operations' time.

OK, so what is that TV show?

Have you all got something?

Yeah. Yeah. OK, let's have a look.

Susan Sam, what have you got?

I put Love Ishland and then realised that was wrong and put Love Island.

OK, Judi and Joanne?

Love Island.

Harry, Tom?

Ground Force.

There's a lot of decking, isn't there?

There's a lot of decking there.

A lot of people have that done in their garden now.

Well, let's take a look.

There I am.

Oh!

No, it was me as Curtis

in a cringeworthy moment from Love Island, OK?

That was you?

I didn't even know that was you.

What? That's not the face I've got on today.

But that's another one I've got at home.

Here's the second one. This is a treat.

All right, honey, so what kind of design would you like?

I don't want, like, a block.

Yeah, do it, like, along here.

Yeah, like little ones. Yeah.

Why don't you have, like, just like scattered...

Just do like... Sexy scattered.

Start off then just do what you think looks good.

See, I'm not good at art. Just...

No. I trust you.

Go on. Just do what you can. OK.

Hey. Honey, I hope this looks OK.

Can you see? That's the first one?

That pretty? Yes, lovely.

It took me so long to film that and,

fuck me, it itches.

OK, what have you all written?

What have you gone with?

The Only Way Is Essex.

And then what's that? A...?

Would you like to explain your illustration?

I think my art speaks for itself. Cool.

OK, Judi, Joanne?

It is the iconic vajazzling scene in The Only Way Is Essex.

OK. Harry, Tom?

What have you...? What have you guys gone with there?

Holby City.

A couple of things... Not the right answer.

And I'm surprised you didn't crack on to this earlier, Harry.

But, you know, as a former doctor -

Holby City - not a reality show.

What? What?

You're a former doctor?

I am, yeah. No way.

Yeah. Why? What's up?

JUDI: I bet you was a good doctor, though.

TOM: I imagine you'd be a great doctor.

Well, that's what I said at the tribunal.

All right. That was me getting a very classy

and very sophisticated vajazzle on The Only Way Is Essex.

OK, here is your last one.

I mean, enjoy yourself.

I don't really care if you like him or not.

You don't have to sleep with them. You don't have to vacation with him.

You don't have to do anything. I didn't say bad things about her.

I said, "I don't think that he's good for you."

How do you know what's good for me?!

That's my opinion!

Susan, Sam, what have you got?

It's got to be Real Housewives.

Of...

Exactly. This is where we got stumped. Mm.

So I handed it... She sets them up, I knock them, down.

Leicester.

OK, Judi?

Well, yeah, we thought it was Real Housewives, but of Orange County.

Of Orange County.

OK. And Harry and Tom, you've almost certainly got this.

What do you go with?

We said Spice World the movie.

Were we warm?

Um...

Or... Loose Women, we thought, maybe.

Not my Loose Woman.

OK, that was a tense and instantly meme-able moment

from Real Housewives of Orange County.

Point to you.

APPLAUSE

So let's have a look and see what that's done to the scores.

Harry and Tom are racing ahead with two.

Judi and Joanne have 15.

Just ahead - Susan and Sam with 16.

Oh... That's good.

Now I want to crack on with hosting this show,

but I also want to be the type

of person that makes everyone a coffee

so they can get ready for the next part.

So I don't have time for a cuddle.

See you in five.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome back to the Big Fat Quiz of Telly -

the show that's not afraid to ask the big questions.

Questions like... Has anyone seen the remote?

This next round is all about people

who have graced our TV screens over the years.

Bear Grylls is a man who eats bugs,

sleeps outside and drinks his own urine.

He's what they call in Glasgow, middle class.

Lorraine Kelly presents her own TV show on ITV.

I'm not going to say she's a MILF, but if Lorraine Kelly was my mum,

I'd still be going home every Sunday night for bath night.

Oh, my God.

OK, time for some more questions.

For our first question, it's over to Nitro from Gladiators.

All right, Jimmy.

As a Gladiator, I've got to make sure I'm always in peak condition.

It takes a great diet to fuel these, uh...these muscles.

In 2007, a man called Danny Andrews appeared on Baby Faced Body Builders

and went viral after revealing his bodybuilding diet.

Can you tell me what it was?

So Nitro wants to know the bodybuilder's diet

that went viral

in Baby Faced Body Builders back in 2007.

OK. Next question.

So I have here doll versions of iconic TV characters.

All I want you to do is write down who they are.

So here's the first one.

Look at that.

Ah. Oh, that's very nice.

OK, and then we've got the next one.

There he is.

JUDI: Who the hell is that? There he is.

Who's that is the question.

So...

So, yeah. And then I've got...

SUSAN: Oh, OK.

Got that one.

OK, does anyone want a closer look?

Bring them over. Come on, let's have a look.

JUDI: Can I take the second one?

You take the second one?

Can I take the first one?

I don't know what you're going to do with it.

OK, you can have that one then. Yeah.

Thank you very much.

Oh, look at that.

We'll take very good care of you.

All right, next question.

Who is this disguised TV legend?

Here he is. Who's that?

Looks like the line up for Britain's Got Talent

if Reform get in.

For the last question in this round,

we go across to the esteemed actor Charles Dance,

who is reading an extract from a television star's autobiography.

All I want to know is who is the mystery author?

Charles.

Chapter ten.

Are there really ghosts?

Of course there are.

There are hundreds of the melts knocking about.

They've been around since anyone can remember,

and there are thousands of stories

and accounts to back up their existence.

If the legacy of the ages were not enough to convince you

I have seen a ghost myself.

I've had to suffer some diabolical piss-taking over this.

But I swear it on my life.

I'd gone out tagging with a mate of mine.

I was aged about 14,

and we had a load of pens and spray cans

to mark up the trains that were in the depot in Stratford Yard.

You had to bunk over a wall to get in and go under this long alleyway.

As we were heading towards the trains,

this monk in full monk's clobber, hood, rope round his waist,

the lot, comes walking towards us.

Naturally I shat a brick, but I was too scared even to run away.

I just kept walking, kept my nut down, and he went past us.

When he'd gone by, I said to my mate,

"Did you see that?"

He said he had.

When we turned round for a pipe, the ghost geezer had gone.

Vanished into thin air.

Yeah, Scary stuff. Oh, no! OK, who's the mystery author?

Yeah, we got it. Pretty confident. All right.

You ready for answers? Yeah. Perfect.

OK, first up, Nitro asked you

for the bodybuilder's diet that went viral.

What do you think? Susan, Sam?

I put a conservative answer, which is eggs. Eggs.

I said eggs. Just eggs?

Right, yeah. Why are you making that sound weird?

You haven't heard what he wrote.

OK, let's get to the crazy bit.

Oh, I put eggs as well. No, you didn't.

You put... I put breast milk from every breast in the world.

Which was weirder.

It does have a lot of protein...

..if mother is to be believed.

I'm not sure she's your mum.

There's a TV show called I Breastfeed My Boyfriend.

Have you seen it?

No! No!

It's wild. Have I seen it?

Yeah. Grown men. They're like sucking...

Kind of like sucking their thumb, I guess,

but with milk and on a tit.

Imagine if one breast had just normal milk

and the other breast was like, sparkling.

That's the other kind of milk, isn't it?

Sparkling.

Sparkling. Because sometimes I fancy a glass of milk

but I think, "I'll pop that in the SodaStream."

Oh, how the other half live.

Joanne, what did you put?

Well, they love their chicken.

They love their rice.

I put down roids because I feel like that's... Steroids.

Steroids and then Viagra to counteract the steroids.

And then you added, for his dessert...

A little ice cream, a little Twister or a Magnum.

Or a Solero.

OK. Harry, Tom?

Well, we were going very similar lines with the,

you know, with the baby bodybuilders.

So we put,

breast... Breast milk in a rusk. A rusk.

Take the edge off.

They're baby bodybuilders, aren't they?

It's too wet without a rusk.

I seem to remember, though, suddenly, is it

fish and a rice cake?

Fish and a rice cake.

Yeah, it's fish and a rice cake. Fish. Yeah.

And then later on in the day, I'll have fish and a rice cake.

I'll give you the point, because that is the right answer.

SUSAN: Wa-ay! OK.

Let's take a look at the iconic clip.

In the run up to any competition,

Danny's trainer puts him on a strict diet.

8 o'clock in the morning, I'll have fish and a rice cake.

At 10 o'clock I'll have fish.

At 12 I'll have

fish and a rice cake.

At 2 o'clock I'll have fish.

At 4 o'clock just before I train

I'll have fish and a rice cake.

I'll train.

I'll have me fish.

I'll come home.

Have some more fish with a rice cake.

And then have some fish before I go to bed.

And then that's it for the... That's it for the day.

What's strange is that he was really lifting his eyes

up and trying to think of what the next thing was,

which was the same shit

he just said, like 30 seconds ago.

Why didn't he just have a fish cake? JUDI: Yeah.

I asked you to name the characters of the dolls on your desks.

Did you all get these?

ALL: Yeah. OK.

Susan, Sam?

OK, so the first doll was Doctor Who.

Jodie Whittaker's version.

The next, I think...

HARRY: Oh, Doctor Who. Oh.

Sorry, what did you go with?

We went with historian Lucy Worsley.

She does sometimes wear a coat when she's out and about.

Yes.

Judi, Joanne, what did you get for that first one?

Doctor Who, innit? Yeah.

Doctor Who, innit. Yeah, OK.

All right, fine, I'll give you that.

All right. Next one, you all get this?

TOM: Yeah. OK, what did you go for?

Matthew Kelly.

I can tell you tonight, Harry and Tom,

you are incorrect. You bet!

OK, Judi, Joanne?

I... Cliff Richard.

Famous TV star...

Well, he's got a microphone.

Yeah. And Cliff is talented. He's done so much different things,

but then he did kind of look like

a little bit like a talk show person.

But we've already written Cliff.

Sam, Susan?

Jerry Springer.

Jerry Springer is the right answer, of course.

There he is.

And the last one. Too easy, right?

Tom, Harry, you got this?

Yep. Russell Kane.

You think it's the Russell Kane doll?

Oh. Yeah.

Judi, Joanne, did you get it? We believe we did.

We went with...

BOTH: The Fonz.

Oh, is it not Fonzo?

Oh, we were doing so well.

Fonz!

Susan, Sam?

So I went with The Fonz because that's logical.

But then, um...

What about this?

Snakecharmer.

Snakecharmer from what show?

Well, how about we do a scene?

OK, let's do a scene.

So the TV show hasn't been on yet, but it's about to be.

I give you Snakecharmer.

TUNEFUL WAILING

Ooh, oh, you are very charming.

Snakecharmer, I seriously need you to save the president.

Is this the snake? Yeah.

And he's talking to him? Yeah.

They'll fix it in post.

OK, it was the Fonz, of course.

The thing with the Fonz is, right,

like he's supposed to be so cool, isn't he,

hanging around schools wearing a leather jacket?

My neighbour does that, he's all over the local paper.

I asked you who this TV star in disguise was.

What did you all put? Harry, Tom,

I think we can rely on you for the correct answer.

We thought for a moment Paul Hollywood.

But then we settled on Adrian Chiles.

OK. Judi, Joanne, what did you put?

It's Gordon Ramsay.

Gordon Ramsay. OK. Susan, Sam, did you get this?

He got it. It's Gordon. Gordon.

Not The Gopher, the Ramsay.

Oh, we could go that. We could have...

Jimmy, from time to time, we all don disguises.

That is Gordon Ramsay. Wow.

That's now going to be a catchphrase.

OK, it was foul-mouthed TV chef Gordon Ramsay

in 24 Hours To Hell And Back.

JUDI: He's so lovely.

Finally Charles Dance read an extract

from a famous TV star's autobiography.

Who was it?

I think it's Danny Dyer. You think it's Danny Dyer?

OK.

I happen to think it's Reg from The Bill.

OK, I mean...

Judi, Joanne, what did you put?

Well, I thought the writing was quite lofty,

so I wrote James Joyce.

I kind of zoned out halfway through,

and I thought it had a Ulysses vibe to it.

So if it's Danny Dyer's memoir, I'll be dead.

All right, Tom, Harry?

Well, we put Malala.

On reflection,

it's probably more likely to be Danny Dyer, but...

Let's go over to Charles Dance

and see whether it is Malala or Danny Dyer.

That was an excerpt from

Danny Dyer's Life Lessons From The East End.

So close, so close. But you get the points there.

Thank you very much. OK, time now for a special bonus round.

This is the part of the show where I introduce

a mystery guest from the world of telly.

All you need to do is tell me

who they are and how they made their name.

But you can only ask yes or no questions.

Please welcome my mystery guest.

APPLAUSE

Thank you so much.

Thank you. They can ask you yes or no questions,

and then they're going to guess who you are.

TOM: Were you in The Bill?

No.

That's me out.

Have you done anything around, like, exercise?

Yes. TOM: Oh!

JOANNE: Are you a Gladiator? No. No.

Are you dressed up as a character?

Yes.

Animal?

No.

If you pull your boots up, do they unwrinkle?

Yes.

What kind of TV? Ask questions about that.

Oh, yeah. Was it a drama? No.

Ah, OK.

Is it light entertainment? Yes.

Was it on ITV?

Yeah.

Right. OK.

Did you have your face in view?

No. Ah! Oh!

Was it quite a popular show?

Yes. A family show?

Yes.

Not a clue.

Write something down. I can't.

Sam, write something down. We know we can rely on you.

Put your lucky hat on, Sam. That'll help.

Go on, then. Write it down.

If anyone needs a chimney sweep from Peaky Blinders,

we have our man. You watch it!

OK, have you all written down something?

Yeah, I was going to say that. OK.

So, Sam, what answer did you go with?

Let's go with this first.

Basil Brush, the naughty fox.

You think this might be Basil Brush, the naughty fox?

Don't applaud him.

OK, Judi and Joanne, you've gone with...

I said Blankety Blank.

I don't know. Maybe she's the cheque.

OK, Harry, what do you think?

We have the correct answer.

Which is?

One, two, three...

BOTH: The Cube.

APPLAUSE

Mystery guest, can you reveal who you are?

My name is Andriana Christofi, and I was the body on The Cube.

The body.

OK.

The body on The Cube.

That tracks. How long were you the body for?

Right from the beginning for about seven years.

Wow. OK, well, let's take a look at you in action.

You must swap the balls so that the red balls are in the red box,

and the white balls are in the white box within the time limit.

Sounds simple,

but will you keep your focus under pressure?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Nice work, nice work.

That's exactly the game we're going to play now.

I need a volunteer from each team.

Live by The Cube, die by The Cube.

The famous catchphrase of the show.

OK, step into the position, then.

Go for it, buddy.

APPLAUSE

You look like you've actually dressed for this.

JOANNE: I do actually, a little bit.

Although I clashed with...

Exercise your hands. Exercise the hands.

TOM: Oh, yes. OK...

SAM: Enough talk! Let's Cube.

In this game, you have just 10 seconds to swap the balls

so that all the red balls are in the red box,

and all the white balls are in the white box.

Whoever manages it or manages

to swap the most balls, wins five bonus points.

I'm going to count you down from five, OK?

Five, four, three, two, one.

Go on, Sam.

OK, You've got 10 seconds.

You are nailing this.

You are nailing this. Oh, wow. Go on, Sam.

Go on, Sam! Two, one, zero.

Oh!

Leave that. Leave that.

Leave it! OK, I will be the judge of this.

Well, you don't need to be the judge, do you?

Don't be a dick about it.

Look, obviously I haven't won.

Dragging it all out.

All right, let me just count up.

No, you don't need to count up.

They've done it, I haven't.

I was doing well.

I had this thing where I was like, knew what I was doing.

And then I started to think about it,

and then that's when I went wrong.

So we asked you to...

Yeah. I know what it is now, dickhead!

Now, Sam, you dropped a ball, didn't you?

Did you drop a ball? Yes. Yeah, yeah.

Did you drop any balls?

Nope. SAM: She dropped a ball.

I don't think...

SAM: Everyone saw you drop a ball.

Oh, my God. She dropped a ball into the...

She dropped a ball into the right box. I didn't drop a ball.

OK, let's just have a look in slow motion.

This is very exciting. Oh!

ALL: Oh!

HARRY: Oh, they both dropped one.

So I won.

Great.

I mean... Got all my balls.

I mean, you both dropped one ball.

Five points, five points, no points.

Go back and think about what you've done, Tom.

SAM: Thanks, Tom.

And I have the utmost respect for the alopecian community.

Let's take a look and see what it's done to the scores.

Harry and Tom have four points.

Yeah, but we've had fun. Yeah. OK.

Judi and Joanne have 23.

Susan and Sam have 26.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I should really put my balls away.

A big thank you to Adriana.

See you in five.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome back to the Big Fat Quiz of Telly -

the show with the trickiest questions in TV

since a BBC HR person asked Gregg Wallace for a quick word.

This next round is all about kids' TV.

Dora The Explorer is now 25 years old.

So what's next for Dora?

Well, I'm guessing OnlyFans.

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

Don't pretend you wouldn't look.

OK, time for some kids' TV questions.

For our first one,

it's over to Luke Skywalker himself - Mark Hamill.

Hi, Jimmy.

I was delighted to return to the wonderful world of SpongeBob

in the SpongeBob movie Search For SquarePants.

In preparation, I swatted up on the original show.

But have you guys?

Can your teams tell me

the name of the location where SpongeBob and his pals live?

So Mark wants to know where SpongeBob lives.

Do you want to know something funny? Yeah.

You know the starfish? Patrick? Yeah, Patrick.

I thought he was a tongue for years.

OK, Dick and Dom were ever-present

on kids' TV in the Noughties.

But what did they do in a Glasgow library,

the Galleries of Justice,

and a museum in Rome, which led to a ban in some schools?

I went to a Dick and Dom show once.

Not what I thought it was going to be.

And that is a very good joke.

I'll take that from you. Yeah.

..was actually the name of the show.

Well, now I can understand the mix-up.

..was the name of the show.

Did you get something?

Was the name of the show.

OK. American parents were left confused by

what became known as the Peppa effect.

But what was the Peppa effect?

Must be. Yeah, maybe it was.

Ooh!

I'm going to play you three sound bites from TV dogs.

All you have to do is name them.

This feels like a career low.

SUSAN: OK.

The hell am I doing with my life?

OK, TV dog number one...

CANINE SNIGGERING

Dog number two...

Affirmative, affirmative, affirmative, affirmative.

Oh, I know them.

And here is the third one...

We're just innocent men.

OK, so three TV dogs. Let's play them again.

SNIGGERING

Affirmative, affirmative, affirmative, affirmative.

We're just innocent men.

Tom, Harry, write down the name of a TV dog.

Yeah. Yeah, we get the game, Jimmy.

Well, if you could do it, that'd be great.

There's just a lot of dogs on TV at the moment.

Jimmy, my friend told me that his dog is in heat.

I said, "I didn't know they were remaking it."

The joke from Sam, everyone.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All right, we got answers?

Mm-hm. Yeah.

Firstly, Mark Hamill wanted to know where SpongeBob SquarePants lives.

Did you get this?

Sidcup. We put Sidcup.

Very close, actually. Judi, Joanne, did you get this?

Well, neither myself or Judi are familiar with SpongeBob's work.

OK.

I suggested Croydon.

Judi added... On-Sea.

I'm interested to know what Susan and Sam wrote.

What did you...?

Well, Sam wrote a detailed Wikipedia page here.

I don't know what came over me.

I wrote Bikini Bottom.

His pal is Patrick. He works for Krusty Krab.

He has a childlike wonder which we need more of.

All true facts.

Bikini Bottom was the answer we were looking for.

OK, I asked you what Dick and Dom got

up to in the Glasgow Library,

the Galleries of Justice and the Rome Motorbike Museum.

What did you all get?

Burn them down.

Well, no wonder they're not on TV any more.

Judi, Joanne.

Well, we put, they flashed their Dick and Dom.

Hard no. Oh, shit. No. OK.

Susan and Sam, what have you got?

So we've got,

they spread gossip, and dog-fighting ring.

Well, the real answer is

they played the game Bogies.

Oh... Bogies was a game where you had

to shout the word bogies louder than your friend,

until one of you got kicked out.

And it became a thing in schools, and they banned it from schools.

Jimmy, you are so naive.

That was their code when people were coming to stop

the dog fighting.

They'd go, "Bogies!"

Like, they... Honestly.

No points for anyone there.

OK, I asked you what the Peppa effect was,

and I presume Harry, Tom, you got this?

We thought it might be kids, like, spraying, like, mace.

As in pepper spray at people.

A very violent country.

It's a very violent place, America.

Let's go to Susan and Sam.

Yeah, we didn't know, but... We think it's Peppa Pig.

You know, too long at the top, got lazy, got complacent.

And now Bluey is the new supreme character.

What was the Peppa effect?

Just the effect that had on Peppa Pig.

What, she's, like, started drinking, doing drugs...?

She became used to the finer things and it all just fell away.

Judi, Joanne, did you get this?

Well, I know this one.

Peppa Pig is British.

Right. And so these kids in other countries were going,

"They're talking like that," whatever the way you said.

Well, if you could do that and just do that all the time.

Talking like that, or like a very Mary Poppins vibe.

Well, I can tell you it was American

children were watching so much Peppa Pig,

they began to talk in British accents.

That is the right answer. It's the accent.

Yeah. Yeah. Thanks, Joanna.

I mean...

Finally, in what I described as a career low,

I asked you to name some TV dogs.

Oh, god. Here's the first one.

SNIGGERING

So who do you think that was?

Oh, the TV show?

Yeah. Westminster Dog Show.

The We...!

OK, Joanne, Judi, who was that one?

Sooty.

AUDIENCE: Ohh...

Yeah. Yeah, that sound of disgust is correct.

Harry, Tom, did you get this?

Yeah. Well...

We said Scooby Doo,

but having swallowed a laptop.

Let's hear it again.

SNIGGERING

Yeah, it's got caught between the vocal cords.

I can tell you that was Muttley from Wacky Races.

TOM: Oh!

JOANNE: Don't know him at all. OK, next one...

Affirmative, affirmative, affirmative, affirmative.

Judi, Joanne, did you get this?

We said a dog in Doctor Who.

Yeah. What did you name him?

I don't know, I don't watch Doctor Who.

Shit.

What's another name for a dog?

Bitch?

TOM: Oh, OK.

You think the dog in Doctor Who might have been called bitch?

Please. Another name for a dog.

I'll give it you if you can get this.

It's another name for a dog.

Right, bitch, doggy...style.

What's a name for a dog?

Canine! K9. K9.

Yeah. It's the right answer.

Did you get that? Oh, we most certainly did.

Did you? What did you write?

Doctor Who dog, innit. K9.

We had K9 as well.

Great. Well done. All right. And the third dog?

We're just innocent men.

Who's that?

Judi? Well, I was confused as to

whether it was physical dogs or just gamy dogs.

And you said it was a TV dog and they're claiming innocence.

So I said, David Harbour.

David Harbour from Stranger Things that was married to Lily Allen?

Yeah.

So you think he might be that dog saying...

We're just innocent men?

Yeah.

I think that's most certainly him.

That's his riposte to the album.

Yeah. You are so Close.

Oh. Susan, Sam?

Oh, we got Brian from Family Guy.

It's not.

No. I know, but what is the dog? So has anyone got the right answer?

Harry, did you get this? We've got this.

Hacker.

Is it? Wow.

It's Hacker T Dog.

And there he is. That's who that dog is!

So at the end of that round, the scores are...

Harry and Tom have six points,

Judi and Joanne with 25,

Susan and Sam have 28 points in the lead.

Wow.

We're gonna take a short break now.

I'm going to take Sam Campbell to

the repair shop and find out if there's anything

we can do to get him fixed.

See you in five.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome back to the Big Fat Quiz of Telly.

Lord Reith once declared television's mission

was to inform, educate and entertain.

Well, none out of three ain't bad.

This next round is all about drama.

Crime drama The Sopranos broke the mould in the Noughties.

Tony Soprano was popular because he was so relatable -

a wife, two troublesome teenage kids,

an overbearing mother,

problems at work with Big Pussy and Paulie Walnuts,

a goomar that wanted more

and around 100 murders on his conscience.

We've all been there.

Black Mirror's first ever episode featured

a prime minister fucking a pig,

and some claim it foretold the future.

But do we seriously believe David Cameron fucked a pig?

Yeah. Yeah, we do.

Top Boy was set in Hackney,

and over five series, 77 characters were murdered.

It was like a super-gritty version of Traitors.

All right, time for some more questions.

Take a look at this headline from 2007.

The party was advertised on Myspace with

a theme of the party being a British TV show.

What was the theme?

SUSAN LAUGHS

I feel pretty confident from

that laugh that Sam Campbell has nailed it.

Ah. Perfect. That's probably it. Well done, mate, well done.

I worry with the hat, people might think you're weird.

I think you're jealous of the hat. It's insane.

Yeah, it's a young Bob Dylan. You would love to try on my hat.

I dare not dream. This hair's new.

For our next question, it's over to actor

and Celebrity Traitor star Ruth Codd.

Hi, Jimmy. I've been in a few horror TV shows,

from The Midnight Club to Creepshow,

but Buffy the Vampire Slayer was an early trailblazer for spooky TV.

Fun fact - Buffy and her monster-hunting

friends stole their nickname from another TV show.

What was their nickname?

OK, so Ruth wants to know what nickname Buffy's

monster-hunting group stole from another TV show.

All right, time for a say-what-you-see now.

All I want you to do is say what you see.

And it's a dramatic TV moment, because it's the drama round.

So just say what you see. Don't say it out loud.

Quite satisfying when you get it.

Super annoying until you do.

Marvin Gaye.

You don't know who that is? I wouldn't recognise him.

Marvin... It's Marvin Gaye.

Marvin Gaye. Yeah.

HARRY: Double death. Double...

All right, take a look

at this cringeworthy moment from Succession,

described as painful to watch and impossible to look away from.

Take a look.

I need five.

Dad?

OK. All I want to know is... That was pretty awkward.

..what just happened? What had Roman just done?

I think I know what it is.

JOANNE: I know this. Write it down.

Right. I've got some answers. Are you all ready?

Let's go, baby.

Tom? Harry?

JUDI: Are you two OK? Cos you're so still.

You're like...

Are you OK?! JOANNE: Frozen in time.

Oh. Uh...

Zoned out. Hello!

We zoned out for a minute.

OK. I asked you

what the TV theme of a party was that wrecked a house back in 2007.

What do you all think? Keeping Up Appearances.

What I had for my party.

I love that show. OK. What have you gone for, Judi and Joanne?

Skins. Skins. OK.

Judi said that like she had the information.

So we believe ourselves to be correct.

Two answers here. You've gone with... Susan?

I went with Skins, cos I'm correct.

But my friend here went with...

Say it.

Monarch of the Glen.

A Monarch of the Glen-themed

party you think caused £20,000 worth of damage.

It could have been more money, honestly. Those things get crazy.

OK. Yes, I can tell you it was

a Skins-inspired party.

The cult Channel 4 show.

There they are. Look at that.

Nicholas Hoult and Dev Patel.

Points. Points. No points. OK.

So Ruth Codd wanted to know what nickname

Buffy the Vampire Slayer stole from another TV show.

What did you all put?

Peak Practice.

You think she called her gang Peak Practice?

Yeah, well,

you'd want to be the best, so Peak Practice sounds right, right?

OK. Judi? Joanne?

Well, we went for the most obvious.

If you want to be a gang, gang-gang, and a bunch of women,

it's going to be Loose Women.

OK. Susan and Sam?

We went with At Home with the Braithwaites.

OK. The answer was

The Scooby Gang, that they stole from Scooby-Doo.

Oh. Of course. All right.

I asked you to say what you see. Did you smash it?

We got it. Yeah. OK, well, let me see.

Judi, Joanne, what did you put?

We have Jon Snow cheats death in the pub...

..on Game of Thrones.

Now, we obviously realise

he probably didn't cheat death in a pub... In a pub.

So you got "in."

And then you added "a pub". Yeah.

OK. Harry, Tom, did you get this? Yeah. Well...

Jon Snow cheats death in Game of Thrones.

Sam. Susan, did you get it? We got Jon Snow cheats

death in Game of Thrones. Yeah. Yeah.

I feel like we all got it right.

Nailed it. OK, great. Points. Points. No points.

APPLAUSE

Look at Judi's face.

Why do you look so sad? We tried so hard.

We wanted to impress you, Jimmy.

No points.

You really enjoyed that, Jimmy. Yeah.

OK. I asked you what happened

in the cringeworthy scene from Succession.

What did you put? Didn't he send his dad a wanking video?

Very, very close, I think close enough.

Susan, Sam? He shockingly sent

a photograph to his father, a photo of...

Can you read that, please? Oh, sorry. You get the gist.

He shockingly sent a photograph to his father.

The photo...was of his knob.

I like the way you revealed that at the end.

Yes.

Wow. And you've put...

Just dick pic.

Points, points, points.

APPLAUSE

I can tell you that Roman accidentally sent

a dick pic to his dad.

We've all been there.

OK, let's take a look at the scores.

OK, so, Harry and Tom... Oh! 8 points.

APPLAUSE

Judi and Joanne with 27.

Susan and Sam with 31.

That's it for this part. And if you know anything about TV,

you'll know this is the bit where you get pressured

into buying things whilst I say something sexually

inappropriate to a guest.

See you in five. Sam, come here.

Welcome back to the Big fat Quiz Of Telly.

You know, telly.

That thing you occasionally glance at whilst doomscrolling.

This round is all about TV's water cooler moments.

Channel 4's Wife Swap was a huge hit.

My girlfriend says she wants to swap me for a younger,

more attractive man, which is fine by me.

I'm just doing it bit by bit.

Star Trek. If you enjoy Star Trek,

why not join the thriving online community?

They're called incels.

OK, time for our last set of questions.

OK. Are you ready? Oh, you bet.

Loose Women has been known for its bizarre conversation topics.

All I want you to do is fill in the blanks

on these three genuine talking points.

That's nice.

Just fill in those three blanks. All right.

This tutu cost $5 and was later sold at auction for $52,000.

Why?

CONFERRING

Could be. Go on, then.

OK. Let's see. I've got quotes

from three contestants on a British TV show.

All I want you to do is name the show they're competing on.

Oh, God.

OK? And for the last question, it's over to Ade Adepitan.

Hi, Jimmy. As you know,

TV presenting isn't as easy as it looks,

especially when it's live.

BBC newsreader Maryam Moshiri

found out the hard way back in 2023, when she was forced to apologise

for a private joke that went out live on air.

Can your teams tell me what she did?

So, Maryam Moshiri had to apologise

for a private joke on live TV while reading BBC News.

What was it?

OK. Is everyone finished? Right, time for some answers.

I asked you to fill

in the blanks on these bizarre Loose Women topics.

Judi, you're on Loose Women. What was the first one?

I think that was just, like,

you know, make a call at a funeral. OK.

The second one was...

What did you put, Judi? Virginity.

Has a ghost stolen your virginity? OK, great. Last one.

Is your vibrator ruining your relationship?

OK, you're on Loose Women. You were on one of those episodes

and you've got all three of them wrong.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Did anyone get these? Susan, Sam?

I've been told to never trust one of the Loose Women.

They'll feed you a Turkish delight and ask you to accompany them and...

They're not actually loose. They are tethered.

OK, so, is it OK to make a what at a funeral?

A joke. Yeah, that's what...

OK. What did you get for this, Harry, Tom?

Is it OK to make a sand castle from the grave soil?

OK. It's "is it OK to make a TikTok at a funeral?"

What the f-...? Oh, I saw that one. Was I on it?

Yes!

Second one. "Has a ghost stolen your...?"

What have you put, Sam Susan? iPad.

iPad. Not far off. Harry. Tom, did you get this?

Grandmother.

OK. "Has a ghost stolen

"your remote control?" is what they discussed on the

Loose Women.

"Is your blank ruining your relationship?"

Did you get this? Yep.

Is your childhood trauma ruining your relationship?

OK.

Harry, Tom?

Is your Lily Allen's ex, David Harbour...

..ruining your relationship?

I'd say he is, to be honest. Yeah. Yeah.

It's, "Is your dishwasher ruining your relationship?"

Oh, my... Oh, wow. So no-one got any of those?

All right. OK, so I asked you why this $5

tutu ended up selling for over $50,000.

Did you get this? I go to our resident expert,

Joanne McNally.

Yeah, so I'm a big Sex and the City fan,

and I know that this tutu is...belongs

to our very problematic icon

Carrie Bradshaw, that she wore on the bus in her promo video,

photo thing. Exactly right. OK. Susan and Sam,

I presume you got this.

We got it. Worn by Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City.

OK, Tom. Harry, huge fans of the show.

Well, we thought...

Well, I thought possibly it was lined with drugs or money.

You know, it had been worn by a drugs mule.

Yeah. Like Nigel Havers.

Great call-back. OK.

I asked you what show these quotes came from.

What did you think?

We said The Apprentice.

You said The Apprentice.

Cos it was just so Apprentice-y. OK. Susan and Sam?

We had Doc Martin. And I said The Apprentice.

Did you write The Apprentice? Have a look.

OK. Yeah. So... All right.

We've got the grown-ups taking control.

Harry, Tom?

We started off slightly off track, didn't we? What did you say?

Spit the dog on the first one.

But that's not a show, obviously.

It's the star of a show.

And then we realised it was The Apprentice,

so we wrote it twice. OK, well, you just get one point for that.

But well done for writing it twice.

Points all round.

APPLAUSE

OK. So we wanted to know why a BBC

newsreader was forced to apologise for a private joke.

What did you all put?

TOM: Stuck her middle finger up. Where?

Doesn't matter to you.

On the news. She just stuck it up the news, didn't she?

OK. Judi, Joanne, did you get this?

Basically told everyone to...

I said she told England to go fuck itself.

OK. Susan and Sam?

Someone's written an essay. Great.

Yeah, it was me.

She flipped the bird as she was doing a countdown,

which she thought was off air. OK, well,

let's take a look at the brilliant

but ill judged moment in all its glory.

From London, this is BBC News.

I mean, so good, right?

The recovery's so good.

Time now for our big fat final question.

And to ask it, it's the return of TV legend...

Please welcome back Mr Blobby.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Love Blobby.

Hello, Blobby.

OK, so Mr Blobby is going to...is going to sing for us three iconic

TV theme tunes accompanied by our classically trained pianist.

All you have to do is guess the show that they're from.

OK, one after the other. Here is the first one.

Go.

PIANIST PLAYS MID TEMPO BALLAD

MR BLOBBY SINGS

MR BLOBBY SIGHS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Goddamn it, I said I wasn't going to cry.

OK. Second song. Blobby, take it away.

PIANO PLAYS UP TEMPO TUNE

BLOBBY SINGS RHYTHMICALLY

APPLAUSE

It's very rare that a cover is better than the original.

OK. Third song, take it away. Here we go.

PIANO PLAYS UP TEMPO BALLAD

MR BLOBBY SINGS HIGH KEY

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh...

OK. So write down your answers.

You've got five points for each.

OK, so what have you got for the first one, Harry and Tom?

First one, the theme from The Royle Family.

Judi, Joanne, did you get it? Yes. We did indeed.

Sam? We most certainly did. OK, so the next one...

Judi, Joanne, did you get it? We said Sopranos.

OK. What did you... Harry? Tom. MR BLOBBY: It's not Sopranos.

We really struggled with this, but we thought something jazzy

It might be... Pointless. Pointless. Pointless.

You thought that was the theme for Pointless?

OK. So close. Did you get it, Susan and Sam?

No, of course we didn't. We said Two Ronnies. What?!

All right. And the last one. Did you get this?

Joanne, Judi? Well, I'm confident in this one.

We said Dawson's Creek. Is the right answer.

Yes! You went Dawson's Creek? Yeah. OK.

Sam? We most certainly did. Dawson's Creek.

OK. So the first one was The Royle Family.

The second one was Peaky Blinders,

and the third one was Dawson's Creek.

Five points for each.

APPLAUSE

Let's see what that's done to the final scores.

JUDI: I've never seen Jimmy look nervous!

OK, I can tell you that Harry and Tom have 20 points.

A valiant attempt, well done.

APPLAUSE

Our runners-up with 40 points are Judi and Joanne.

APPLAUSE

Which means the winners

and the proud owners of the Big Fat Quiz trophy...

Thanks, Blobby.

..are Susan Wokoma and Sam Campbell.

You've won. They've only gone and done it.

That's it. A big thank you to our brilliant panel,

special guests, and thank you for watching.

I'm Jimmy Carr. This has been The Big Fat Quiz of Telly.

Goodnight. Blobby!

Fuck's sake, Blobby! Jesus.

I'll fucking end you, Blobby!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media