Original subtitles

We are back.

The only thing I want for Christmas is just to keep the things that I've got.

Nothing I'm doing.

A God and I will love me, for can't we not?

The only thing I want for Christmas is just to guess.

Nothing's that I've got.

Nothing's that I've got.

Hope your mind is to a die, I've got to learn that.

I'm gonna make my mark and be an auctioneer.

Twenty-five dollar biden and a thirty dollar, thirty will you give me thirty.

You went to school there, grew a man who played a chord.

You ever

been on a mat or bike?

No.

Never been of a biker then.

Me?

Biker, no.

You?

No, I haven't.

Not my cup of tea.

So, uh, did your mum set you up with lots of guys?

I know, she was the first.

Oh.

Bucky me?

I need a piss.

Coming?

Joking.

Er, one more and then let's make a move.

Great.

Sorry, let's go.

Who's next?

Hi.

Um, what crisps you have?

I'm ready to sort it, sort of being a girl, poor cocktail.

What, one of each?

Let's go find out in.

Hmm, yes.

Nice.

Okay.

One more?

Yes.

Hello.

Hi, Er.

How was it called?

You had a nice time?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Nice chat, isn't it?

Mm-hmm.

All right.

Night darling.

Stocking the oat.

Okay.

Yay!

Amazing mum.

Oh, thank you.

See you.

Thank you.

You all right, Bert?

You all right there?

Give me your tea now.

Give me your cracker.

Oh, yeah.

That's it.

Open that cup.

Did you do some play-doh?

You want to do it?

Yeah.

What's his name?

Um...

I didn't really... You don't know his name?

I didn't ask, Don.

I can wait nearby.

It's fine.

It's okay.

I'll take the dog.

I don't want to take the dog.

What normal person asked someone for a date or Christmas date?

Well, maybe he's alone.

Yeah, maybe he's lonely.

Maybe I'll get my head bashed in or something.

Nonsense.

Ignore your brother.

It's an adventure.

Since when did Colin like a ventures?

Well, I think a biker sounds exciting.

You can borrow your dad's leather jacket.

Let's go.

Oh, please, brother.

We're in trouble.

You've been so tender and warm out.

Sleep in heavenly old peace.

Sleepy.

Sleepy.

Sleepy.

Beautiful.

You know, Father, leave it.

Just leave it.

What am I going to do with you?

Whatever you want.

Really?

All of your hands.

All the way.

Oh.

Oh, I know this one, actually.

So, uh, ready?

Oh.

Yeah.

Oh.

Yeah.

Wow, you're strong.

God.

You give.

You give.

You give.

Yes.

Yes.

Oh.

Oh.

Sorry.

Down.

Down.

Lick.

Right out, then.

Oh.

All right.

Oh.

All right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Ray.

Colin.

So, I feel, um, I don't mind a little walk.

I saw a pub on my way here.

It's hope until midnight.

I gotta go.

Hey, girl.

Oh, oh, oh.

Yeah, of course.

Of course you do.

Um,

I'm sorry, it was a bit...

It was a bit hopeless earlier.

I guess, like, most things in life.

It just takes a bit of practice.

Yeah.

Maybe, um...

I could practice with you.

Um...

So...

Uh, yeah.

All right, then, Colin.

Merry Christmas.

Thank you.

Hey, Lou.

Yeah, just about stuff.

I told you that cold air would turn your throat inside out.

You have a nice time.

Hmm.

Nice chap.

Hmm, yeah.

Did you get yourself a boyfriend?

No, I don't think so.

I don't think he liked me that much.

Oh, of course he did.

Did you kiss?

I don't think that is any of your business.

Well, very nice.

Right.

One more chocolate.

Hmm.

You got plans tonight?

No, for you.

And you knew from that biker chap of yours.

He's not my biker.

And if you're not going to do to hell.

You.

Bye.

No.

I'm sorry, just following orders.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, yeah.

Do you sleep well at night?

Sorry, do I seat one at night?

Yeah.

I'm just following orders, man.

Following orders.

If you want to appeal, there's a... Oh, I don't want to appeal.

Come on, just take your fucking dick, get off.

Um...

Hello?

Yeah, I'm at work.

Excuse me?

Excuse me, we're not done yet.

If I leave early, if I leave now.

You won't go anywhere.

Right, I'll text you your dress.

Are you deaf?

Yeah, I shouldn't be long, so... Fuck you, you fucking prick!

Lovely.

Go on, fuck off!

Yeah, okay, all right.

Tune a bit.

Yeah.

Cole?

Yeah.

What about these?

He doesn't need a present, Mum.

Soap.

It's a nice soap.

Go on.

Hey.

Um... Hey.

Gosh, you're tall.

Sorry, Peggy.

Peggy, Peter.

That's a bit, yeah.

Right.

How do you do?

Time for a quick drink.

No, thank you.

Not when I'm writing.

No, of course not.

I think that I... Good lad, yeah.

Well, well, something soft.

We better get going.

You don't sound local, Ray.

Where's home?

Chiselhurst.

Chiselhurst?

Well, it's very nice.

I've never thought of Colin as a chiselhurst sort of person.

No, he'll survive.

All right.

Colin, Colin.

All right.

You just... All right.

All right, great.

Sorry to fuss, but you do have a spare helmet, yes?

Yes.

I mean, he has to wear it.

Dad.

Because he's not getting on with that one.

He is not getting on with that one.

Great.

Nice.

Bike.

Wayne Black.

No, it's neon crap.

No, you see it right now, they say.

Colin.

Yep.

You sure you know what you're doing?

Yeah, don't worry, Dad.

I'm not worried.

I rode a bike when I met Colin's mum.

And he sold it when the twins come along.

Bought a very expensive pram.

I suppose you two need to worry about that.

Not... I mean, not yet anyway.

Rosie,

you remember me?

Hey.

Shut the door.

One second.

It's a lovely flat.

Didn't think you'd have a piano.

No?

No.

That's not the sort.

So what sort do I seem like?

Oh, no, no, no.

I mean, it's a compliment, you know?

I don't know.

I show you where everything is and then you can make dinner.

Dinner?

Dinner.

Right.

I should say that I'm a bit of a lousy cook, but, you know, I can give it a go.

Have you lived here long then, right?

Pot and pans down there.

And, uh, yeah.

Something quick tonight.

Pasta.

Go easy on the cheese.

Here we go.

We're eating here all.

Yeah, here's good.

Down.

Down.

It's not fair.

Time for bed.

You snore.

Right?

Do you snore?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

What's your bladder?

Not...

Well, my bladder.

Are you going to wake me up running to the bathroom in the middle of the night?

Uh, no, no, no, no.

I think my bladder's pretty good, actually.

Well, if you're quiet, you can sleep on the road.

What, the brag?

If not, you should go the hallway.

Sorry if this is not to your liking.

I've no barista.

Do I pass then?

What do I get if I pass?

One move.

On your front.

I'm sorry about that.

I didn't think it was going to hurt so much.

Um, should I finish you off?

No, I'm good.

Thanks for having me.

A lovely time.

Here we are.

All right, then.

I'll be off.

I'll come back before six.

If you do, you left away outside.

Um, do you have, what, six today?

Oh, sorry, are you busy tonight?

Is there a booming market for Colin Smiths that I'm not aware of?

I don't know, but it's just... what?

Yeah.

See you at six.

I need you to pick up some things.

It takes you a shopping list.

Yeah, OK.

You can keep these.

I don't need chocolate.

Well, no.

Of course you don't, I mean.

And by resolve a blood blow.

You're too tight.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Um... Lovely.

That sounds like a plan.

Bye then.

Um...

That's him.

Yeah.

That's your boyfriend.

Well, no, he's not my boyfriend.

We are.

We have an arrangement.

How'd you get a man like that?

Well, he says, do I have an aptitude for the vote?

Yeah.

Happy birthday dear Colin.

Happy birthday to you.

Sorry.

That's right.

Hello?

Yeah, sure, no problem.

You're sorry, one second.

Really?

Yep.

Alright, I've seen about an hour then.

Sorry about that.

Oh, yeah.

Hey.

Hey.

Everything okay?

So, when are we going to get to meet this ray of yours then?

You have, haven't you?

The half a second in the dark three months ago.

People used to parade me around town on like a prize cow.

We're not that embarrassing, are we?

No, no you're not.

Alright, well, let's get a date in the diary sooner rather than later.

Oh.

Having something nice for dinner.

Yeah, a potato dauphin' while.

Ah, fancy.

There's Ray a good cook then.

I know I'm cooking Ray, Ray doesn't cook.

Oh, oh, right.

So, he's making you buy and cook your own birthday dinner.

Yeah, I mean, I don't mind.

It's your birthday Colin.

You should be spoiled rotten if Ray can't cook.

You could at least take you out somewhere nice.

Do you want me to say something?

No.

You sure?

Yeah.

What I should do is do something.

I was wondering if maybe you might want to come have dinner with my parents sometime.

Dinner with your parents.

Yeah.

You'd like that.

Yeah, no.

I mean, you know, they would.

Yeah.

I don't think that's a very good idea.

Okay.

Nope.

Sorry.

Could you maybe be persuaded?

That's why you did.

You know, could it be like a birthday present, maybe?

I hope you're not expecting a birthday present, Colin.

No, I'm not.

It's just, Mum, she wants to meet you properly.

And she's quite ill, you know.

She's dying, actually.

But I don't want to force you to do it.

No?

Okay.

Well, it sounds like that is exactly what you're trying to do here.

You know, I'm not.

You are.

You are.

Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you.

Oh, you couldn't upset me if you tried.

You seem pretty upset, so...

So, what?

Hmm?

Steve!

That boy, Kevin!

You've got Colin!

Hi!

Oh,

dear, Colin, you can stop that, mate.

Oh, yeah!

Champion!

Hi, Dad.

Geez, come on.

Let's do it.

Stop pounding, Colin.

Come on, come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Go!

Come on!

Go!

Go!

We back!

Come on, on!

All right, he dumb out.

He dumb out.

He might have to go tonight.

How's it going with you and Ray?

She's gotten good.

Yes, it's great.

You guys look really good together.

Thank you.

No, I mean it.

He really is impossibly handsome.

You sort of bring his qualities into relief.

Did you know her kiss?

No.

Don't you miss it?

No.

I couldn't put up with no kissing.

I'm driving me nuts.

On your back.

I

hope you're

not keeping your hair like that to make me feel better because it doesn't.

Your hair was your best feature.

I really likes it like this.

So, it's Ray's hair dresser?

I don't know.

I told you he's discreet.

Yeah, but what does that actually mean?

It just means my don't ask personal questions.

Right, that's enough.

Come on.

Cheers, everyone.

Thanks for coming, boys.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Mmm.

Cuck in.

British summer, wherever.

Remember, South Africa?

Oh, honeymoon.

Amazing place, sir.

Have you... Can I ask a few of you ever be?

No.

Amazing place.

Yeah, my doctors advise me where these socks, you

know, that he says they'll make a real difference.

I mean, have you tried them?

Impression socks?

Yeah.

No.

They hold you, apparently, and stuff.

Do you... do you fly a lot, Ray?

No, really.

Mmm.

That's gravy is incredible.

Best gravy in Bromley.

What's your secret?

If you don't mind?

Oh, no.

Um, well, I, um...

I put the chicken on a rack so that all of the juices...

Sorry.

Um, I, um, put the chicken on a rack and, um...

let the juices from the chicken go on to the veg, and then once the chicken's done,

I'll remove it, and then into those veg with all the chicken juices, I add a

little bit of flour and a dash of hot sauce.

Oh.

Hot sauce, huh?

Yeah.

Colin makes a good gravy.

Mmm.

Colin makes a pretty good armament, but that's about it.

That's about it.

That's about it.

What's up with you?

What's up with me?

Yeah, what's up with you?

Mum, let's talk about something else.

Yeah, I agree.

I think we can talk about... What?

No, no, no, no.

Can we change that?

No, no, no, because I'm not one to judge.

I'm just interested.

What's your secret?

Have you got another life?

Have you got a husband somewhere?

Okay.

Or a wife?

Is that what discrete actually means?

Does it just mean that you've got two wives and ten kids?

You don't have to say...

Thank you.

I'll keep that in mind.

I'm sorry.

I'm not sure I like the way you talk tomorrow, son.

Well, that is fine.

It's not for you to like.

Excuse me?

I can see that I make you uncomfortable.

That our relationship makes you uncomfortable.

But deciding that what makes you uncomfortable is bad for your son...

Honestly, that's a pretty backwards way of thinking.

I beg your pardon.

I'm just saying you sound a little ignorant.

Well, you sound like a cunt.

No, I'm sorry, Cole.

I'd like to know before I die.

I'd like to know if my son is going out with a nut job.

Is that too much to ask?

Let's talk about something else.

Colin, you don't know who he is.

You don't know what he does.

You don't know if he's a hairdresser or a serial killer.

He could be on the run.

Well, he's too good looking to be on the run.

He turned too many heads.

He wouldn't get away with it.

He is very good looking.

He's a creep.

Our son is going out with a good looking creep, and you're encouraging him.

Rose is a red.

Violet's a blue.

Each day at your heel brings me closer to you.

Your hand on the throttle, your lever's so tight.

I crave your commands from morning to night.

Your group is a promise.

Your gaze are hot flame.

Next to you are nothing on yours all the same.

The pleasure you give, the pain that you bring, I'll take it all right.

But you are my king.

In the village of Great Dumbo, there's a side of Bacon, given every year

to the couple who own out a single quarrel.

Me and Peggy could have won that Bacon every year.

We had every possible qualification.

But for not living in Great Dumbo.

As we gather today to say goodbye to Peggy, let's not focus on the sadness.

Let's celebrate a lovely life.

Sorry.

So, uh...

How was it?

It was good.

It was a good turn out.

Oh, nice.

Go!

It's your house.

It's mine.

It's mine.

It's mine.

You get the cold water on them, okay?

It's good things.

Try to hold your hands out a little while.

Oh!

Thank you.

Hey, um... Do you want to hear a pizza joke?

No, it's too cheesy.

Are you going to eat or do you want me to keep going?

Because I got plenty of pizza jokes here.

I'm going to start eating.

I can go all night, baby.

I'm sleeping in the bed.

It's fine.

I'm feeling much better now.

It wasn't a question.

You know I love you, right?

Yeah.

I don't know what this is calling.

It's not the point.

It's not the point.

It's not the point.

It's...

Could I ask you something?

Mm-hmm.

It's so...

I've been thinking and...

You don't have to say yes.

It was a sort of one-off thing, but I was wondering

if maybe I could sleep in your bed a bit more often.

Not all the time, obviously, but maybe once a week.

In fact, maybe once a week we could sort of have a day off.

You know, the day where we wake up in bed together, eat breakfast at the table.

I don't know, glad you were on the piano, that sort of thing.

Not every day, I really wouldn't want that, but once a week it could be nice,

it could be fun for both of us.

No.

No?

No.

Fair enough?

How about once a month?

No.

No?

Ever think?

Excuse me?

Just never think about it.

Colin, if you know what happened... No, I'm happy.

Ray, I'm really happy.

That could just maybe be a bit happier, that's all.

Turn for bed.

I'm going to stay up, finish this chapter.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Oh.

Fuck!

I took off my teacher.

I'm still scowling.

Take it off.

Raymond, you look very small-mouthed and old.

What'd you say?

Think you may have heard me, Raymond, please.

Huh?

Raymond.

Fancy a wrestle?

Huh?

Fancy a wrestle?

Do you give?

There you go.

How's it going?

What's this?

Breakfast.

I don't understand.

I thought we could try a day off.

So, um...

What would you like to do?

What's day?

Um... What do you want to do?

No, no, no.

You decide.

It's already off.

Um...

Well, it, uh...

Yeah, it looks like a nice enough day, we could...

We could go for a bike somewhere, maybe.

No biking, today.

But I'll pay for this later.

No.

Do you like, uh... Thai food?

Uh, sure.

Yeah.

Cause there's, um, it's quite a nice place nearby.

Okay.

What was this fun?

What do you want to do next?

I don't know.

I'm sorry about the weather, eh?

Sing something for me.

Well, here, actually...

Teach me how to say it.

Are you serious?

I'm very serious.

Okay.

um...

Are you laughing?

Yeah, it's good.

You're very good.

You think you're better than me?

Wow.

Wow, that hurt.

You know what?

What are you doing?

Wait.

Ladies, pardon me.

All right.

Come on.

Go ahead?

Sorry.

What's your play?

Oh.

Oh.

Yeah.

Yes.

Yes.

You like both.

I can tell.

Which one do you prefer?

Okay.

Him?

Him?

Yeah.

Are you serious?

Unbelievable.

I'm sorry about him.

You paid off these two fine ladies.

I've never met these ladies, right?

All right.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

You're a cocky now, huh?

Mr McPoyet!

Dickheads!

You're gonna keep those seats.

Go.

Get out of here.

Go.

Go.

Go.

Don't.

Hello.

Come on.

Go.

Up you get.

Oh, I'm done.

Get out of here.

Whoa, son!

Right?

Are you in there?

Right?

Still nothing.

Let's knock it on the head with today, shall we?

Yeah.

We can look somewhere else next weekend, okay?

Or not?

Up to you.

I've been told I have an aptitude for devotion.

I'm obedient, hardworking and excellent are following instructions.

I'm low maintenance, have a high pain threshold and rarely fail to please.

But I'm also very modest, so this is the only time

that you hear me see my own praises, unless you ask.

I won't cut my hair for no one, and I do require one day for a week.

That's not up for debate.

The rest of the time, you're wishes my command.

The

heart is a kiss smile, even though it's breaking.

When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by.

If you smile through your fear and sorrow, smile.

And maybe tomorrow, you'll see the sun.

I'll come shining through for you.

Darren?

It's Colleen.

You really?

Yeah, sorry.

Oh, dear.

That's the time you must keep on trying.

Smile.

What's the use of crying?

You'll find that life is still worthwhile.

If you just smile, you must keep on trying.

Smile.

What's the use of crying?

If you just smile, you must keep on trying.

If you just smile, you must keep on trying.

If you just smile, you must keep on trying.

You'll find that life is still worthwhile.

Yeah, you'll find that life is still worthwhile.