Original subtitles

If you come with me, I'll break the clouds.

And you'll see a world from up there,

all new to you.

If you come with me, I'll

take you to Earth.

The moon, the moon, for us it will be tomorrow.

If Santa passes by my stocking,

I promise not to mind a lot.

The only thing I want for Christmas is just to keep the things that I've got.

A pair of velvet arms,

a

ring, forget me not.

The only thing I want for Christmas is just to keep the things that I've got.

The only thing I want for Christmas is just to keep the things that I've got.

Oh me, oh my, it's do or die,

I've got to learn that auction cry.

I've got to make my mark and be an auctioneer.

Twenty-five dollar bid,

and then a thirty dollar study.

Will you give me thirty,

make a thirty bid.

A whack of thirty dollars,

will you give me thirty.

Who will give me thirty dollar bid.

I've got a thirty dollar bid,

and then a thirty five.

Will you give me thirty five,

and make it thirty five.

Will you thirty five,

will you give me five.

A thirty five dollar bid.

Thirty five dollar bid,

and then a forty dollar.

Forty, will you give me forty,

make a forty bid.

A poor of forty dollar,

will you give me forty.

Who will give me forty dollar bid.

I've got a forty dollar bid,

and then a forty five.

Will you give me forty five,

and make it forty five.

Will you give me five,

sold that hog for a forty five dollar bid.

Now from the boy who went to school,

there grew a man who played it cool.

That's what he said.

You, er...

You ever been on a motorbike?

Oh, er...

No.

Never been with a biker then?

Me?

Biker?

No.

Have you?

No, I haven't.

Not my cup of tea.

So, er...

Does your mum set you up with lots of guys?

No, you were the first.

Oh.

Lucky me.

I need a piss.

Coming?

Joking.

Er...

One more and then...

let's make a move.

Great.

Sorry, lads.

Hi.

Who's next?

Hi.

Erm...

What crisps do you have?

Ready, salted, salt and vinegar,

all cocktail.

We'll have one of each.

£4.80.

Let's see...

That's OK.

Hello.

Hiya.

How was it, Cole?

You had a nice time?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Nice chap, isn't he?

Mm-hm.

All right.

Night, darling.

Stockings at eight, OK?

What's wrong?

Yay!

What have you won?

Amazing, Mum.

Oh, thank you.

Absolutely gorgeous.

I'll pick some blanks at the hospital.

Thank you very much.

You all right, Max?

You all right there, love?

Have you got your dinner?

Give us your cracker.

Amazing, Mum.

Lassie, open that car.

Here, Dad, have a cracker.

Did you get some Play-Doh?

Want to do it here?

Oh, right, yeah, yeah.

What's his name?

Um...

I didn't really, er...

You don't know his name?

I didn't ask, Don.

I can wait nearby if you want.

It's fine, it's OK.

Take the dog.

It's not clean.

I don't want to take the dog.

What normal person asks someone for a date on Christmas Day?

Well, maybe he's alone.

Yeah, maybe he's lonely.

Maybe I'll get my head bashed in or something.

Nonsense.

Ignore your brother.

It's an adventure.

Since when did Colin like adventures?

Well, I think a biker sounds exciting.

He can borrow your dad's leather jacket.

OK.

Holy night, holy

night Round yon virgin mother and child Holy infant so tender and mild Sleep in heavenly

sleep in heavenly peace

Beautiful.

Beautiful.

Oh, bugger.

Leave it.

Just leave it.

What

am I going to do with you?

Whatever you want.

Really?

Hold up your hands.

Other way.

Oh.

Oh.

I know this one, actually.

So, uh...

Ready?

Yeah.

Wow, you're strong.

You give.

Excuse...

You give.

Yes!

Yes!

Sorry.

Sorry.

Down.

Down.

Lick.

Alright.

Lick.

Alright.

Yeah.

Ray.

Colin.

So, if you, um, don't mind a little walk.

I saw a pub on my way here that's open till midnight.

I gotta go.

Hey, girl.

Yeah, of course.

Of course you do.

Um...

Sorry, I was a bit...

I was a bit hopeless earlier.

I guess like most things in life,

it just takes a bit of practice.

Yeah.

Maybe, um...

I could practice with you.

Um...

I'm not around much, so...

Ah, yeah.

All right then, Colin.

Merry Christmas.

Thank you.

He lives!

Yeah, just about.

I told you that cold air would turn your throat inside out.

Are you having a nice time?

Hm.

Nice chap.

Hm, yeah.

Hm, did you get yourself a boyfriend?

Oh, no, I don't think so,

Mum.

I don't think he liked me that much.

Oh, of course he did.

Did you kiss?

I don't think that is any of your business,

so...

Well, fair enough.

Hm.

Right.

One more chocolate.

Ranko.

You got plans tonight?

Nothing.

Any news from that biker chap of yours?

He's not my biker, Mum.

Anything I can do to help?

No, no, no!

I'm sorry, I'm just following orders,

Ma'am.

Excuse me?

Excuse me.

Hold on.

Do you sleep well at night?

Sorry, do I sleep well at night?

Yeah.

I'm just following orders,

Ma'am.

Following orders?

If you want to appeal,

there's a...

Oh, I don't want to appeal.

Come on, just take your fucking ticket off.

Erm...

Hello?

Yeah, I'm at work.

Excuse me?

Erm...

Excuse me, we're not done yet.

If I leave early, yeah,

if I leave now...

You're not going anywhere.

Right, I'll text you the address.

Are you deaf?

Er, yeah, I shouldn't be long,

so...

Fuck you, you fucking prick!

Lovely.

Go on, fuck off!

Yeah, OK, alright, see you in a bit.

Yeah.

Cole?

Yeah?

What about these?

He doesn't need a present,

Mum.

Soap.

Some nice soap.

Yeah, go on.

Pete?

Erm...

Pete, have you taken that nice soap?

Gosh, you're tall.

Er, sorry, Peggy, er,

er, Peggy, Peter, erm,

nice to meet you.

Right.

How do you do?

Erm, time for a quick drink?

Er, no, thank you, not when I'm writing.

No, of course not, I was,

I was thinking, I...

Good lad, yeah, well,

well, something soft.

We'd better get going.

You, er, you don't sound local,

Ray.

Where's home?

Chiselhurst.

Chiselhurst?

That's very nice.

I've never thought of Colin as a chiselhurst sort of person.

Nah, he'll survive.

Alright.

Come on, Colin.

Alright, you just...

Alright, hey.

Oh, er, Ray, Ray, sorry to fuss,

but, er, you do have a spare helmet,

yes?

Yes.

Only he actually has to wear it.

Because, er, he's not getting on without one.

He is not getting on without one.

Great.

Nice bike.

Plain black.

None of this neon crap like you see everywhere nowadays,

eh?

Colin.

Yep.

You sure you know what you're doing?

Yeah, don't worry, Dad.

I'm not worried.

I rode a bike when I met Colin's mum.

Sold it when twins come along.

Bought a very expensive pram.

I don't suppose you two need to worry about that?

Not... I mean, not yet,

anyway.

Alright,

have a good one.

Right.

Have fun.

Watch out for the ice!

Gee, Jack, it might be a bit crap,

but, er...

Hey, girl.

Oh, hello, Rosie.

Do you remember me?

Thank you.

Shut the door.

One second.

It's a lovely flat.

Didn't think you'd have a piano.

No?

No.

Don't seem like the sort.

So what sort do I seem like?

Oh, no, no, no.

I meant it as a compliment,

you know?

Why don't I show you where everything is and then you can make dinner?

Dinner?

Dinner.

Um, I should say that I'm a bit of a lousy cook,

but, um, you know, I can give it a go.

Have you lived here long,

Then, Ray?

Pots and pans down there.

And, er, yeah.

Something quick tonight.

Pasta.

Go easy on the cheese.

Here we go.

We eating here or...?

Yeah, here's good.

Down.

Down.

Nothing.

Time for bed.

Nora.

Sorry?

Do you snore?

Oh, no.

No, no, no.

Not at all.

How's your bladder?

Are you going to wake me up and run into the bathroom in the middle of the night?

Er, oh, I see.

No, no.

I think my, um, bladder's pretty good,

actually.

Well, if you're quiet,

you can sleep on the rug.

The rug?

If not, you should go in the hallway.

Sorry if this is not to your liking.

I'm no barista.

Do I pass, then?

What do I get if I pass?

Stop!

Stop!

Do you give?

No!

Do you give?

No!

Alright.

No!

No!

I give!

I give!

I give!

Don't move.

On your front.

Stop.

I'm sorry about that.

I didn't think it was going to hurt so much.

Shall I finish you off?

Oh, good.

Thanks for having me.

For a lucky time.

Here we are.

Alright, then.

I'll be off.

Don't come back before six.

If you do, you'll have to wait outside.

Um...

What?

Six.

Today.

Oh, sorry, are you busy tonight?

Is there a booming market for Colin Smiths that I'm not aware of?

Well, no, but it's just...

What?

Yeah.

See you at six.

I need you to pick up some things.

Here.

Takes to your shopping list.

Yeah, okay.

You can keep these.

I don't need chocolate.

Well, no.

Of course you don't.

I mean...

Buy yourself a butt plug.

You're too tight.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Um...

Lovely.

That sounds like a plan.

Bye, then.

Um...

Yes.

What direction?

Where did you end up going?

You didn't go...

That's him?

Yeah.

That's your boyfriend?

Well, no, he's not my boyfriend.

We are... We have an arrangement.

How do you get a man like that?

Well, he says that I have an aptitude for devotion.

So, he's on?

Yeah.

Now, what on?

Ray?

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

Looking good.

I don't know if you can listen to this,

Sam.

Oh, look at that.

Oh.

Do you like that one?

Do you like it?

I do.

I do.

I do.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday, dear Colin.

Happy birthday to you.

Sorry.

It's Ray.

Hello?

Yeah, sure, no problem.

Yeah, sorry, one second.

Ready.

Yeah.

Alright, I'll see you in about an hour then.

Sorry about that.

Hey.

Hey.

Everything okay?

So, when are we going to get to meet this Ray of yours then?

You have, haven't you?

For half a second, in the dark,

three months ago.

Your mum used to parade me around town like a prized cow.

We're not that embarrassing,

are we?

No, no, you're not.

Alright, well, let's get a date in the diary,

sooner rather than later.

Having something nice for dinner?

Yeah, a potato dauphinoise.

Oh, fancy.

So, is Ray a good cook then?

I know I'm cooking, Ray.

Ray doesn't cook.

Oh, right.

So, he's making you buy and cook your own birthday dinner?

Yeah, I mean, I don't mind.

It's your birthday, Colin.

You should be spoilt rotten.

If Ray can't cook, he could at least take you out somewhere nice.

Do you want to say something?

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Well, actually, there is something.

I was wondering if maybe you might want to come have dinner with my parents sometime.

Uh...

Dinner with your parents?

Yeah.

And you'd like that?

Yeah, no, I mean, you know,

they would.

Oh.

I don't think that's a very good idea.

Okay.

No.

Sorry.

Could you maybe be persuaded,

you know?

Could it be like a birthday present,

maybe?

I hope you're not expecting a birthday present,

Colin.

No, no, I'm not.

It's just Mum, she wants to meet you properly.

And, um...

She's quite ill, you know.

She's dying, actually.

But I don't want to force you to...

No?

No.

Okay.

Well, it sounds like that is exactly what you're trying to do here.

No, I'm not.

You are.

You are.

I'm sorry I didn't mean to upset you.

Oh, you couldn't upset me if you tried.

You seem pretty upset,

so...

So, what?

Hmm?

What do you think, Steve?

What the hell?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Steve?

What's the matter, Steve?

Get up!

What are you doing?

Get off me!

Whoa, whoa!

I'll bring him up.

Get that net under him.

Come on.

What have you got?

It's a tuna.

Grab his arm!

Keep your...

Push him!

Sorry.

I'm sorry, actually.

Steve!

Come on, Kevin!

Come here, Colin!

Hi!

Come here, Colin.

You've been subbed out,

mate.

Come on, Kevin.

Here he comes.

Oh, yeah!

Champion!

Hi, Colin!

Come on.

Let's do it.

Stop pouting, Colin.

Pull him!

Who's next?

Come on, guys.

Come on.

Time out.

Time out.

How's it going with you and Ray?

It's going good.

Yes, it's great.

You guys look really good together.

Thank you.

No, I mean it.

He really is impossibly handsome.

You sort of bring his qualities into relief.

Did you two ever kiss?

No.

Don't you miss it?

No.

I couldn't put up with no kissing.

It would drive me nuts.

Hey, you all right?

On

your back.

Oh, God.

I hope you're not keeping your hair like that to make me feel better,

because it doesn't.

Your hair was your best feature.

Well, Ray likes it like this.

So, is Ray a hairdresser?

I don't know.

I told you he's discreet.

Yeah, but what does that actually mean?

It just means, Mum, don't ask personal questions.

Right, that's enough.

Come on.

Cheers, everyone.

Thanks for coming, boys.

Cheers.

Puck in.

British summer we're having.

Remember South Africa?

Oh, honeymoon.

Amazing place, though.

Can I ask, have you ever been?

No.

Amazing place.

Yeah, my doctor's advised me to wear these socks.

You know, he says they'll make a real difference.

I mean, have you tried them?

Impression socks?

No.

They hold you, apparently,

and stop you.

Do you fly a lot, Ray?

Not really.

This gravy is incredible.

Best gravy in Broly.

What's your secret, if you don't mind?

Oh, no.

Well, I put the chicken on a rack so that all of the juices...

Sorry.

Sorry.

I put the chicken on a rack and let the juices from the chicken go onto the veg.

And then once the chicken's done,

I remove it.

And then into those vegs,

with all the chicken juices,

I add a little bit of flour and a dash of hot sauce.

Oh, hot sauce, huh?

Yeah.

Colin makes a good gravy.

Mmm, Colin makes a pretty good omelette,

but that's about it.

What's up with you?

What's up with me?

Yeah, what's up with you?

Mum, let's talk about something else.

Yeah, I agree.

I think we can talk about...

No, no, no, no, no.

Because you know, Ray,

because I'm not one to judge.

I'm just interested.

What's your secret?

Have you got another life?

Have you got a husband somewhere?

Peggy...

Or a wife?

Is that what discreet actually means?

Does it just mean that you've got two wives and ten kids?

You don't have to say.

Thank you.

I'll keep that in mind.

I'm sorry.

I'm not sure I like the way you talk to my son.

Well, that is fine.

It's not for you to like.

Excuse me?

I can see that I make you uncomfortable.

That our relationship makes you uncomfortable.

But deciding that what makes you uncomfortable is bad for your son...

Honestly, that's a pretty backwards way of thinking.

I beg your pardon?

I'm just saying you sound a little ignorant.

Well, you sound like a cunt.

Mum!

No, I'm sorry, Cole.

I'd like to know, before I die,

I'd like to know if my son is going out with a nut job.

Is that too much to ask?

Let's talk about something else.

Colin, you don't know who he is.

You don't know what he does.

You don't know if he's a hairdresser or a serial killer.

He could be on the run.

Well, he's too good-looking to be on the run.

He'd turn too many heads.

He wouldn't get away with it.

He is very good-looking.

He's a creep!

Our son is going out with a good-looking creep and you,

you're encouraging him.

Colin.

Colin, come on.

Colin.

Roses are red.

Violets are blue.

Each day at your heel brings me closer to you.

Your hand on the throttle,

your levers so tight.

I crave your command from morning to night.

Your grip is a promise.

Your gaze a hot flame.

Next to you I'm nothing.

I'm yours all the same.

Oh, yes.

Come on, baby.

The pleasure you give,

the pain that you bring,

I'll take it all right.

But you are mine.

In the village of Great Dunmo,

there's a side of bacon given every year to the couple who haven't had a single quarrel.

Well, me and Peggy could have won that bacon every year.

We had every possible qualification.

Apart from not living in Great Dunmo.

As we gather today to say goodbye to Peggy,

let's not, let's not focus on the sadness.

Let's celebrate a lovely life.

Sorry.

So, how was it?

It was good.

It was a good turnout.

Oh, nice.

No!

Nolan!

How's your ass?

I'm fine.

Let me see.

It's fine.

You need to put cold water on them,

okay?

No.

No.

Try to hold your hands out of the water.

Thank you.

Mmm.

Hey, um, do you want to hear a pizza joke?

No, it's too cheesy.

Are you going to eat or do you want me to keep going?

Because I've got plenty of pizza jokes here.

I'm going to start eating.

I can go all night, baby.

Sleep on the bed.

It's fine.

I'm feeling much better now.

It wasn't a question.

You know I love you, right?

Yeah.

That's not what this is,

Colin.

That's not the point.

It's...

love the whole point.

Of what?

Everything.

Um...

Can I ask you something?

Mm-hmm.

So...

I've been thinking...

and, uh...

You don't have to say yes.

I know it was a...

It was a sort of one-off thing.

But, um...

I was wondering if maybe I could...

sleep in your bed a bit more often?

Not all the time, obviously.

But maybe...

once a week?

In fact, maybe, um...

once a week we could sort of have a,

uh...

a day off.

You know?

A day where we wake up in bed together.

Eat breakfast at the table.

Um...

I don't know.

Play a duet on the piano,

that sort of thing.

Not every day, I really...

I wouldn't want that,

but...

Once a week, it could be nice.

It could be fun.

For both of us.

No.

No?

Fair enough.

How about once a month?

No.

No?

Ever think?

Excuse me?

Just never think about it.

Colin, if you're not happy...

No, I'm happy.

Ray, I'm really happy.

I could just maybe be a bit happier,

that's all.

Time for bed.

I'm gonna stay up, finish this chapter.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Oh.

Fuck!

Take off my T-shirt.

Stop scowling.

Take it off.

Raymond?

You look very small-mouthed.

And old.

What did you say?

I think you may have heard me.

Raymond, please.

Huh?

Raymond?

Get off!

Fancy a wrestle?

Huh?

Fancy a wrestle?

Do you give?

Do you?

Wake up!

Wake up!

Have

a seat.

What's this?

Breakfast.

I don't understand.

I thought we could try a day off.

So, um...

What would you like to do?

Well, today...

Um...

What do you want to do?

No, no, no.

You decide.

It's your day off.

Um...

Well, it, uh...

Yeah.

Looks like a nice enough day we could...

We could go for a bike somewhere,

maybe.

No biking today.

But I'll pay for this later.

No.

Do you like, uh...

Thai food?

Uh, sure.

Yeah.

Because there's, um...

It's quite a nice place nearby.

Okay.

Okay.

Well, this was fun.

What do you want to do next?

I don't know.

I'm sorry about the weather.

Sing something for me.

Well, here...

Actually, teach me how to sing.

Are you serious?

I'm very serious.

Da, da, da, da...

Da, da, da, da, da...

Da, da, da, da, da...

Da...

Da, da, da, da, da...

Da, da, da, da...

Da...

Are you laughing?

No, it's good.

You're very good.

You think you're better than me?

I didn't say that.

Wow.

Wow, that hurt.

You know what?

What are you doing?

Wait.

Ladies, pardon me.

Come on.

Go ahead.

Um...

Sorry.

Sorry.

Da, da, da, da...

Da, da, da, da, da...

Oh, it's lovely.

Da,

da, da, da...

Da, da, da, da, da, da...

Yes?

Yes?

You like both, I can tell.

Which one do you prefer?

Him.

Him?

Yeah.

Are you serious?

Unbelievable.

I'm sorry about him.

You've paid off these two fine ladies?

I've never met these ladies,

right?

All right.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

You're cocky now, huh?

Excuse me.

Oi!

Dickheads!

You're going to kill yourself!

Find the popcorn!

Da, da, da, da, da, da...

Oh!

Oh!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

I'm not going to make it.

Go on without me.

No, I'm done.

Come on.

Come on.

No.

Up you get.

No, I'm done.

Oi!

Leave me.

Leave me.

Just...

Yes!

Yes!

Ray?

Are you in there?

Ray?

Still nothing.

Let's knock it on the head for today,

Shall we?

Yeah.

We can look somewhere else next weekend,

okay?

Up to you.

I've been told

I have an aptitude for devotion.

I'm obedient, hard-working and excellent at following instructions.

I'm low-maintenance, have a high pain threshold and rarely fail to please.

But I'm also very modest,

so this is the only time that you hear me sing my own praises.

Unless you ask.

I won't cut my hair for no one,

and I do require one day off a week.

That's not up for debate.

The rest of the time,

your wish is my command.

The clouds in the sky,

you'll get by, if you smile through your fear and sorrow.

Smile, and maybe tomorrow,

you'll see the sun come shining through for you.

Darren?

It's Colin.

You're early.

Yeah, sorry.

I'll

be your face with gladness.

I hate every trace of sadness.

Although a tear may be ever so near,

that's the time you must keep on trying.

Smile, what's the use of crying?

You'll find that life is still worthwhile.

If you just smile, you must keep on trying.

Smile, what's the use of crying?

You'll find that life is still worthwhile.

Can you cook?

Yeah, yeah, I can cook.

What do you fancy?

You'll find that life is still worthwhile.

There's a road I know I must go.

Even though I tell myself that road is closed.

Let the lonely sea bird,

you've been away from land too long.

Oh, too long.

I don't listen to the news no more.

Like an unwound lock,

I just don't seem to care.

This world isn't big enough to keep me away from you.

Oh, from you.

Seabird, seabird, fly home.

Seabird, seabird, fly home.

Like a lonely seabird,

you've been away from land too long.

Oh, too long.

Suddenly you're with me,

and I turn your life in.

Like a ghost you haunt me,

you find warmth in a one-night bed.

Sun sets full moon, don't turn you on.

Like an untied dog, you just have to run.

Like a lonely seabird,

you've been away from land too long.

Oh, no, too long.

Little seabird, seabird,

seabird, fly home.

Like a pretty little seabird,

seabird, seabird, fly home.

Seabird, seabird, fly home.