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1
00:00:08,440 --> 00:00:12,520
ARTHUR: (DISTANTLY) Mum. Mum!
2
00:00:15,440 --> 00:00:16,680
Mum?
3
00:00:18,480 --> 00:00:19,800
Mum!
4
00:00:22,160 --> 00:00:23,400
Mum!
5
00:00:27,280 --> 00:00:29,160
(CLEARLY) Mum! What are you doing?
6
00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:30,760
I'm driving.
7
00:00:30,760 --> 00:00:32,680
Who are you?
8
00:00:34,560 --> 00:00:36,560
(LAUGHS) Gotcha!
9
00:00:36,560 --> 00:00:38,280
That's not funny, Mum.
10
00:00:38,280 --> 00:00:40,400
I had...business to do.
11
00:00:40,400 --> 00:00:41,800
And it took so long
12
00:00:41,800 --> 00:00:44,960
I expected you to emerge with
grey hair and wrinkles.
13
00:00:44,960 --> 00:00:48,080
I've had stomach problems
ever since I had that spicy chip.
14
00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:49,680
Oh, I know!
15
00:00:49,680 --> 00:00:52,720
There's crepe paper
thicker than the walls in our house.
16
00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:55,480
You shouldn't have to use
a toilet brush every time.
17
00:00:55,480 --> 00:00:58,040
Can we just go, please, Mum?
Alright.
18
00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:08,520
Nice of you to join us.
Sorry we're late.
19
00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:11,120
I had a few loose ends I had to...
Arthur had to poo.
20
00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:12,320
Mum!
21
00:01:12,320 --> 00:01:14,160
Still, you've had
a bad run, brother.
22
00:01:14,160 --> 00:01:15,760
Bad RUNS, plural.
23
00:01:15,760 --> 00:01:17,360
Mum!
24
00:01:17,360 --> 00:01:18,760
Why are you dressed in all black?
25
00:01:18,760 --> 00:01:20,080
You going to a New Zealand
rugby game?
26
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,720
If you must know,
I've been at a funeral.
27
00:01:21,720 --> 00:01:23,560
Finally mourning
the death of your morals.
28
00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:27,080
One of my regulars, Arthur.
Bowel cancer. Young one too.
29
00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:28,720
Round your age.
30
00:01:28,720 --> 00:01:32,000
OK. That sucks.
It's awful, just awful.
31
00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:34,600
It's a huge chunk
of our income that...
32
00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:37,480
..will be missed by many.
33
00:01:37,480 --> 00:01:38,720
Anyway...
34
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:42,440
Ta-dah!
35
00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:53,360
It's a bit big, isn't it?
36
00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:55,840
Mum, it's your 70th birthday.
37
00:01:55,840 --> 00:01:57,360
You deserve big.
38
00:01:57,360 --> 00:02:00,720
Robbie, I was just wanting
something low-key.
39
00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:03,040
This all feels too much.
40
00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:05,520
Well, you won't have to
fill the whole place yourself.
41
00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:07,040
It'll be a joint party.
42
00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:08,240
A joint party?
43
00:02:08,240 --> 00:02:11,320
Oh, I used to go to
a few of those back in my uni days,
44
00:02:11,320 --> 00:02:14,000
but, quite frankly,
my lung capacity...
45
00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:17,280
No. It'll be a joint birthday party.
46
00:02:17,280 --> 00:02:21,640
You and Arthur together.
47
00:02:21,640 --> 00:02:24,120
What? Don't drag me into this.
48
00:02:24,120 --> 00:02:26,040
That could be really nice, Arthur.
49
00:02:26,040 --> 00:02:28,720
And you have
been moping a bit recently.
50
00:02:28,720 --> 00:02:33,120
Besides, your father promised me
a big celebration
51
00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:35,520
whenever I hit a milestone.
52
00:02:35,520 --> 00:02:39,440
Unfortunately,
he hit a big gravestone first.
53
00:02:42,160 --> 00:02:44,280
Looks like we're
having a joint party.
54
00:02:44,280 --> 00:02:45,560
BOTH: Yes!
55
00:02:45,560 --> 00:02:47,200
Now, here are the details
for the deposit.
56
00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:49,600
What? Why the hell am I paying?
It's your party.
57
00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:51,200
Now, before I forget -
58
00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:54,760
some cupcakes for you to sample.
59
00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:56,000
Try them all.
60
00:02:56,000 --> 00:02:57,600
Tell me which one you like the most
61
00:02:57,600 --> 00:02:59,840
and I'll have a big one made
for the party.
62
00:02:59,840 --> 00:03:01,520
Mm. This might be a you job, Mum.
63
00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:03,680
I thought every day was a cheat day
for Arthur Boye.
64
00:03:03,680 --> 00:03:06,080
Yeah, the stomach is still
acting up a little bit.
65
00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:09,240
Get that shit checked out, baby bro.
Pun intended.
66
00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:11,040
Bowel cancer is no joke.
67
00:03:11,040 --> 00:03:13,680
It devastates families
and local businesses.
68
00:03:13,680 --> 00:03:14,760
Bye.
69
00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:30,240
Is it weird that I want to be friends
with ALL of those poos?
70
00:03:30,240 --> 00:03:32,200
Well, number four is
obviously the healthiest,
71
00:03:32,200 --> 00:03:33,720
but he looks like someone
72
00:03:33,720 --> 00:03:36,520
who would humblebrag
about his investment portfolio.
73
00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:38,720
Number six looks like
the type of poo
74
00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:40,480
you'd end up at a stranger's
kick-on with
75
00:03:40,480 --> 00:03:42,080
just having mad D and Ms.
76
00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:44,040
I'm undecided about number three.
77
00:03:44,040 --> 00:03:47,560
I feel like no room would be
the right temperature for her.
78
00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:50,680
Ah, you missed your birthday.
79
00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:55,320
Oh, yes, I did.
Ah, I actually did that on purpose.
80
00:03:55,320 --> 00:03:57,640
Yeah, I'm still trying to decide
what it should be.
81
00:03:57,640 --> 00:04:00,160
Oh, so this is what straight male
privilege looks like?
82
00:04:00,160 --> 00:04:01,440
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
83
00:04:01,440 --> 00:04:04,360
You know, my mind says 1980s,
but my heart says 1990s.
84
00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:06,240
Well, the hairline says 1960s.
85
00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:09,120
Oh, my God! What?
86
00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:10,720
No... I...
87
00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:14,120
That was unreasonably savage.
I'm not sure why I said that.
88
00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:16,880
(LAUGHS) I am so, so sorry.
Damage done.
89
00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:18,800
That's... Oh, my God.
90
00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:20,920
I can't believe you said that.
91
00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:23,320
I like bald.
My ex was bald. (LAUGHS)
92
00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:25,160
Hey, you're making this worse!
93
00:04:25,160 --> 00:04:27,440
Oh, my God.
94
00:04:27,440 --> 00:04:30,560
OK. Your actual birthday?
Yeah. Yeah. I'm gonna write it down
95
00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:34,680
so that no-one else can hear me
and roast me for it.
96
00:04:34,680 --> 00:04:36,160
My God.
97
00:04:41,120 --> 00:04:43,600
Huh. It's soon.
98
00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:45,120
Doing anything special?
99
00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:47,680
Well, let's just say that a certain
local community hall
100
00:04:47,680 --> 00:04:50,400
just received
a shipment of butterscotch lollies
101
00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:55,200
because me and my 70-year-old Mum
are having a joint birthday party.
102
00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:57,360
Hm. Sounds lit.
103
00:04:57,360 --> 00:04:59,360
I'll be expecting an invite.
104
00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:00,680
Yeah. (LAUGHS)
105
00:05:04,360 --> 00:05:08,080
Yeah, I'm telling you, Mum,
my rizz game was on point.
106
00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:10,200
Mmm. I don't know
what rizz is, Arthur,
107
00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:12,560
but I don't think
you should be playing with it.
108
00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:14,280
Charisma, Mu...
109
00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:16,400
Never mind. What are you doing?
110
00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:18,000
I'm on Facebook.
111
00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:20,960
(GASPS) Do you know
the new phone tower at the airport
112
00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:22,720
is making me infertile?
113
00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:24,520
Please close that app, Mum.
Oh I can't.
114
00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:26,920
I'm putting together
an intimate list
115
00:05:26,920 --> 00:05:30,520
of everyone I want to invite
to the party.
116
00:05:30,520 --> 00:05:35,640
I know you want it low-key,
so I'm trying to be very selective.
117
00:05:35,640 --> 00:05:37,440
Oh, thanks, Mum. Means a lot.
118
00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:39,920
Should we invite Susan?
119
00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:41,600
Susan who?
120
00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:46,040
Susan...Mortimer, nee Stanley.
121
00:05:46,040 --> 00:05:47,480
I've never seen that woman
in my life.
122
00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:50,720
Neither have I.
How did she get on my Facebook?
123
00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:53,120
I don't know. If you don't
want her there, just delete her.
124
00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:54,680
You just liked her photo.
125
00:05:54,680 --> 00:05:58,120
I'm congratulating her
on her pregnancy.
126
00:05:58,120 --> 00:06:01,320
Obviously, those phone towers
aren't that strong.
127
00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:05,880
Now, should I add cute nurse
to the party list?
128
00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:07,680
Her name is Rhona.
129
00:06:07,680 --> 00:06:10,280
And, yes.
Oh!
130
00:06:10,280 --> 00:06:12,880
Yeah, there were definitely vibes.
Oh!
131
00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:16,800
I'm so glad you're optimistic
about your new crush, Arthur.
132
00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:17,840
Yeah.
133
00:06:17,840 --> 00:06:19,760
Considering the next time
you see her,
134
00:06:19,760 --> 00:06:22,880
you'll be handing her
a jar of your own poo.
135
00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:25,000
(LAUGHS) What an icebreaker!
136
00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:26,440
What?
137
00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:30,280
Surely I don't have to
literally hand her my poo.
138
00:06:30,280 --> 00:06:33,440
Isn't there, like, a tub or a basket
or a pigeonhole or something?
139
00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:36,680
Arthur, I do not like
you questioning my memory.
140
00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:39,680
I know what you do
with a stool sample.
141
00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:41,080
You march in there
142
00:06:41,080 --> 00:06:44,360
and you hand it straight to
the nurse at the front desk.
143
00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:46,040
(SIGHS)
144
00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:48,280
Oh, your poor boy.
145
00:06:48,280 --> 00:06:51,080
I've done this a hundred times.
146
00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:53,280
I'll show you how it's done.
147
00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:54,600
Come on.
148
00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:58,080
Why have you got
so many specimen jars?
149
00:06:58,080 --> 00:07:00,480
Well, I like to use them for spices.
150
00:07:00,480 --> 00:07:02,120
Now...
151
00:07:02,120 --> 00:07:06,240
Come over here and I will show you
what to do
152
00:07:06,240 --> 00:07:09,200
with this chocolate cupcake.
153
00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:15,600
So, you just dig deep,
getting a really nice...
154
00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:18,720
..fat blob,
155
00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:20,760
about the size of a cherry.
156
00:07:20,760 --> 00:07:22,400
And then, Bob's your uncle -
157
00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:25,640
into the fridge it goes
until drop-off time.
158
00:07:25,640 --> 00:07:27,480
Or, in this case... Mm, mm!
159
00:07:27,480 --> 00:07:30,600
Mum! That's the poop scoop!
160
00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:32,200
Mm. Grow up Arthur.
161
00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:35,760
These things
are more sterile than spoons.
162
00:07:35,760 --> 00:07:40,200
Oh, mm. Put a mark beside the...
chocolate ganache.
163
00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:43,040
It is absolutely delicious.
164
00:07:43,040 --> 00:07:44,720
Mmm! Lick.
165
00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:48,840
No. I've got...things to do.
166
00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:52,880
Well... I'm saving this for later.
167
00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:54,160
Mm.
168
00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:19,840
Well, the stool has been sampled.
169
00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:22,240
And you're, like, a hundred million,
trillion percent sure
170
00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:25,160
that there's no, like, chute
or hatch or drop box
171
00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:26,720
I'm supposed to put this in.
172
00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:28,640
What happened to that little boy
173
00:08:28,640 --> 00:08:31,560
who used to waltz proudly
into the loungeroom
174
00:08:31,560 --> 00:08:34,280
and tell everyone
he'd just done a poo?
175
00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:35,560
He turned four.
176
00:08:35,560 --> 00:08:38,400
Hand it over with confidence,
Arthur.
177
00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:42,800
Show that beautiful woman
you are not shy of your body
178
00:08:42,800 --> 00:08:44,560
or what it's capable of.
179
00:08:44,560 --> 00:08:46,480
And then what?
Well, then nothing.
180
00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:48,640
If there's a problem,
they'll give you a call.
181
00:08:48,640 --> 00:08:50,600
Otherwise, life's dandy.
182
00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:53,120
Now pop it in the fridge, please.
183
00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:57,360
Wait, Mum...
Mm?
184
00:08:57,360 --> 00:08:59,840
What are all these names
doing on your list?
185
00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:02,440
Oh, my God!
Well, you invited the nurse.
186
00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:04,640
So now I have to invite
Dr Vashna.
187
00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:08,280
I mean, he's our family doctor,
has been for 30 years,
188
00:09:08,280 --> 00:09:10,840
and his wife is in my Zumba class.
189
00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:12,560
What happened to low-key?
190
00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:17,840
Well, you opened the floodgates,
Arthur. I'm just riding that wave.
191
00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:21,680
This is going to be
a night to remember.
192
00:09:33,560 --> 00:09:37,640
One, two, three. One, two, three.
193
00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:40,920
One... Oh, Arthur,
you're messing up my box step.
194
00:09:40,920 --> 00:09:42,800
Now, just watch me.
195
00:09:42,800 --> 00:09:48,000
It's one, two, three.
One, two, three.
196
00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:51,520
Mum, can I just remind you
that you wanted a low-key affair,
197
00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:53,840
and now you're treating this
like an Austrian ball?
198
00:09:53,840 --> 00:09:57,200
Great idea! We can learn
the Wiener Walzer next!
199
00:09:57,200 --> 00:09:59,920
No, Mum,
we shouldn't even do a dance, OK?
200
00:09:59,920 --> 00:10:02,680
'Low-key' should mean 'low-key'.
201
00:10:02,680 --> 00:10:04,840
You're right, Arthur.
202
00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:07,920
I guess I'm just
missing your father.
203
00:10:07,920 --> 00:10:13,360
He always promised that we'd dance
the night away on any occasion.
204
00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:17,080
And now he's up there
205
00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:20,360
doing the foxtrot with the angels.
206
00:10:22,360 --> 00:10:25,280
No, look, Mum, you know,
of course we can dance.
207
00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:27,200
Yes!
It's just...
208
00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:28,960
Why don't we think outside the box?
209
00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:31,520
You know, do the robot or the worm?
210
00:10:31,520 --> 00:10:34,400
(LAUGHS) That's the spirit!
211
00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:36,680
I'm gonna go take a drinks break.
212
00:10:36,680 --> 00:10:38,880
You practice doing the splits.
213
00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:44,080
I can't do the... Splits? How...?
214
00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:47,560
(DOOR OPENS)
Invitations in the house!
215
00:10:47,560 --> 00:10:51,080
32 point thickness,
uncoated eggshell finish,
216
00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:54,440
perfumed with warm rain
and new leather.
217
00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:56,720
Smells like a damn good time.
(CHUCKLES)
218
00:10:56,720 --> 00:10:58,880
Yeah, I can't help but notice
that these invitations
219
00:10:58,880 --> 00:11:02,880
include a voucher for 10% off
your first consultation
220
00:11:02,880 --> 00:11:05,280
at your cosmetic clinic, Robbie.
What the hell?
221
00:11:05,280 --> 00:11:08,440
These invites are going to every
70-year-old in the suburb, Arthur.
222
00:11:08,440 --> 00:11:10,720
A girl's gotta eat.
Oh, my God!
223
00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:12,200
Robbie, your stupid voucher
224
00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:14,400
has cut off the street number
for the address.
225
00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:16,240
Now it just says Wooden Horse Road.
226
00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:18,000
Wooden Horse Road
goes into the thousands.
227
00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:20,160
How's anyone going to find the place?
228
00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:23,000
(SCREAMS)
229
00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:29,000
They had one job. Give them to me.
230
00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:32,360
I'm keeping this one.
231
00:11:32,360 --> 00:11:35,160
Ooh. Who is she?
Who says it's for a girl?
232
00:11:35,160 --> 00:11:37,240
Name one of your friends, Arthur.
233
00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:38,960
Fine. It's for Rhona.
234
00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:41,960
That baddie at Dr Vashna's office?
235
00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:44,280
Oh, punching up, baby bro.
I love it.
236
00:11:44,280 --> 00:11:46,200
Yeah, well, I'm about to
drop a cup of my own poo
237
00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:47,600
directly into her hands,
238
00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:50,160
so I'm pretty sure all vibes
will be well and truly flushed.
239
00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:51,520
Pun intended.
240
00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:54,040
You know what you should do?
A drive-by.
241
00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:56,400
Literally, just throw the sample
through the clinic doors
242
00:11:56,400 --> 00:11:57,960
and keep on walking.
243
00:11:57,960 --> 00:12:00,080
They'll just think
the pathology nurse dropped it.
244
00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:01,560
That's ridiculous.
245
00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:06,760
So ridiculous
that it might just work.
246
00:12:39,480 --> 00:12:40,800
(WHISPERS) Come on!
247
00:12:52,040 --> 00:12:53,520
Arthur!
248
00:12:53,520 --> 00:12:55,760
Oh! Hello.
249
00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:59,440
Did you want me to put this
in the lost and found.
250
00:12:59,440 --> 00:13:03,080
That? I don't know. (LAUGHS)
What is it?
251
00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:06,200
Uh, it literally
has your name on it.
252
00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:09,080
Oh, in...in my handwriting.
253
00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:11,240
That is a coincidence.
254
00:13:11,240 --> 00:13:15,680
Were you just gonna leave your stool
sample here for me to find?
255
00:13:15,680 --> 00:13:18,800
I don't know, I've never had to hand
someone something like this before.
256
00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:20,440
I didn't know what to do.
257
00:13:20,440 --> 00:13:22,120
(LAUGHS) Don't worry.
258
00:13:22,120 --> 00:13:25,960
If I had a dollar for everyone
who tried to dump-and-dash, I'd...
259
00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:27,400
..have $1.
260
00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:31,880
I did actually
want to give you something.
261
00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:35,120
Please tell me you don't have
a urine sample back there.
262
00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:38,160
I didn't know whether you were joking
the other day about,
263
00:13:38,160 --> 00:13:39,960
you know, when we were here, and,
264
00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:41,600
I just...
265
00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:44,320
Would you like to
come to my birthday party?
266
00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:46,960
I'm having flashbacks
to grade three.
267
00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:50,160
Will there be an ice-cream cake?
268
00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:52,960
Double-choc ganache, actually,
at this stage.
269
00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:56,080
I'll see what I can do.
270
00:13:56,080 --> 00:13:57,920
Thank you.
271
00:13:57,920 --> 00:13:59,480
Yeah. Cool.
272
00:14:02,680 --> 00:14:05,760
Oh, it's, um, it's number two,
by the way.
273
00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:07,640
I know.
274
00:14:07,640 --> 00:14:09,440
Oh, no. The...
275
00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:11,320
The address. Not the...
276
00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:13,880
Yeah. No, the it's number two
Wooden Horse Road. We...
277
00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:17,480
When you pull it,
the thingy comes off and...
278
00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:20,480
Never mind.
(LAUGHS) Number two.
279
00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:22,840
I won't forget.
Yes.
280
00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:31,560
Mum?
281
00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:35,360
Arthur. What's wrong?
282
00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:37,720
Well, I just got
a missed call from...
283
00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:39,480
What the hell is this?
284
00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:42,520
It's my seating chart for the party.
285
00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:45,240
It looks like you're trying to
solve a triple homicide!
286
00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:48,520
Well, let me tell you,
the dramas that have gone on
287
00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:51,240
within this friendship network
over the years,
288
00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:53,280
honestly, Arthur,
I can't keep track.
289
00:14:53,280 --> 00:14:57,480
One mistake here, and we might
end up needing a real detective.
290
00:14:57,480 --> 00:15:00,120
We don't even need
a seating plan, Mum.
291
00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:03,080
Repeat after me - low-key, remember?
292
00:15:03,080 --> 00:15:06,600
Arthur, they're gonna need somewhere
to sit during the speeches.
293
00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:10,440
Speeches?
Yes, Arthur, speeches!
294
00:15:10,440 --> 00:15:15,160
I told you, I want this to be
a night to remember.
295
00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:16,760
Now, why the long face?
296
00:15:16,760 --> 00:15:20,880
Well, I just missed a call
from the doctor, and I'm...nervous.
297
00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:24,440
Oh, you're probably fine.
But call them back right away.
298
00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:28,800
Trust me, if it's bad news, you want
to know sooner rather than later.
299
00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:30,880
(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
300
00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:34,600
Liz.
Huh?
301
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:37,040
To what do we owe the pleasure?
Arthur.
302
00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:39,800
Lovely to see you
out of trackpants for once.
303
00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:41,160
These are for you.
304
00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:44,360
Disposable sporks?
305
00:15:45,680 --> 00:15:47,240
Tell me you're joking.
306
00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:50,160
No! She wanted splades.
307
00:15:50,160 --> 00:15:52,760
You don't understand
what this means.
308
00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:55,040
Uh, you're right, I don't.
309
00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:58,760
I just watched your sister reduce a
grown man to tears in a print shop
310
00:15:58,760 --> 00:16:00,680
and now I have to go back
and report that
311
00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:03,320
our cutlery is not
hard-cheese appropriate.
312
00:16:03,320 --> 00:16:07,080
Yeah. Look, that all sounds
way above my pay grade,
313
00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:09,160
so, um, good luck with that.
314
00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:10,880
And I guess I'll be seeing you
at the party.
315
00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:12,040
Arthur!
316
00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:15,040
Mm?
317
00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:17,000
Robbie is at breaking point.
318
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:18,600
I haven't seen her this stressed
319
00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:21,880
since the ATO asked her to itemise
her entertainment expenses.
320
00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:24,640
Oh, it must be nice
to earn enough money to pay taxes.
321
00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:26,360
She already has enough on her plate.
322
00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:28,840
Yeah, well, maybe she should stop...
(PHONE BUZZES)
323
00:16:28,840 --> 00:16:30,560
..entertaining so much.
324
00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:32,040
Now, if you don't mind, Liz,
325
00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:34,040
I've kind of got other things
to worry about.
326
00:16:34,040 --> 00:16:35,920
I would say that the last thing
she needs right now
327
00:16:35,920 --> 00:16:38,120
is to be running around like
a hoseless firefighter
328
00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:40,000
trying to organise
YOUR birthday party.
329
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:42,160
It's not my party!
Is it not? Well, then why do we have
330
00:16:42,160 --> 00:16:44,280
a three-tiered cake
in my house, Arthur,
331
00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:45,360
with your name on it.
332
00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:47,560
Unless, of course, there is some
other Maggie and Arthur out there.
333
00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:49,760
No, I'm pretty sure we're
the only ones to have ever existed.
334
00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:51,040
Speaking of which, where is Maggie?
335
00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:53,080
She's in the sunroom,
doing the seating plan.
336
00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:54,960
Unbe... Unbelievable!
337
00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:57,920
You have everybody else doing
all of the work for YOUR party.
338
00:16:57,920 --> 00:16:59,680
It's not my party!
339
00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:02,640
If you don't stop running
from your responsibilities, Arthur,
340
00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:04,960
they will keep on
biting you in the arse.
341
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:07,000
(PHONE BUZZES)
342
00:17:21,320 --> 00:17:23,360
You! What's your name again?
343
00:17:23,360 --> 00:17:25,680
Rupert? For real?
What are you, like, 80?
344
00:17:25,680 --> 00:17:27,400
MAN: Yes.
Oh. You are.
345
00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:31,320
Alright, well, listen, Rupert,
the chiffon drapes go over the arch.
346
00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:34,480
I want that timber arch
looking like Julius goddamn Caesar.
347
00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:38,200
No, not like that. Do better.
348
00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:40,280
Useless amateurs!
349
00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:41,400
(PHONE BUZZES)
350
00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:44,960
I don't know why you don't
just answer your phone, Arthur.
351
00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:46,800
Because I'm scared, Mum.
352
00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:49,200
I don't want bad news
before the party.
353
00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:50,800
It'll throw my rizz game way off,
354
00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:52,760
and I can't afford to have
off rizz today.
355
00:17:52,760 --> 00:17:55,680
Oh, that reminds me.
We need to clean out our fridge.
356
00:17:55,680 --> 00:17:58,040
It's been a while since I've felt
this excited about anyone, OK?
357
00:17:58,040 --> 00:18:00,040
I need to do everything I can
to impress this girl.
358
00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:02,480
Cake is in the house!
359
00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:08,000
(GASPS) It's beautiful!
360
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:10,400
Marzipan flowers and edible lettuce.
361
00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:13,120
And, look,
a little cake topper of you both.
362
00:18:13,120 --> 00:18:17,960
Aw! Just when I didn't think
I could love you more.
363
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:20,840
It's perfect, Roberta.
Mum...
364
00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:24,960
What is this?
Well, it's a cake.
365
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:27,360
No... The thing on top.
The two people.
366
00:18:27,360 --> 00:18:29,320
That's us, Arthur.
367
00:18:29,320 --> 00:18:32,840
Oh, you look so cute
in your little tux.
368
00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:34,760
Now, come on, we'd better get going.
369
00:18:34,760 --> 00:18:37,720
The guests will be here.
Let's practice our dance!
370
00:18:37,720 --> 00:18:40,120
(RECALLS) We can learn
the Wiener Waltzer next!
371
00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:44,560
This is going to be
a night to remember.
372
00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:46,960
Oh, my God!
373
00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:50,840
This isn't a party.
374
00:18:50,840 --> 00:18:52,640
What do you mean, Arthur?
375
00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:54,720
It's a wedding!
376
00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:58,080
(WAGNER'S BRIDAL CHORUS PLAYS)
377
00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:04,800
I knew this was a bad idea!
It's all too much, all of it!
378
00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:06,920
I never should have said yes to this.
379
00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:09,040
Oh, a low-key affair.
Yeah, I should have known.
380
00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:10,200
I should have known
381
00:19:10,200 --> 00:19:12,760
that nothing in this world
can be low-key with you, Mum!
382
00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:16,800
Nothing! You always
take things too freaking far.
383
00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:20,480
I am not marrying my own mother!
384
00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:21,760
(THUD, CRASH!)
385
00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:22,760
Oh!
386
00:19:25,760 --> 00:19:27,360
The fondant. Arthur...
387
00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:28,560
Oh, my God.
388
00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:31,160
You just scuffed the fondant.
389
00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:34,160
Do you have any idea
how difficult it was
390
00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:38,560
to get a mixed-race cake topper
in the eastern suburbs?
391
00:19:38,560 --> 00:19:41,120
I ordered splades for you people!
392
00:19:41,120 --> 00:19:43,440
Robbie, no! No!
Oh, Roberta!
393
00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:45,800
Oh, God. Oh, no. No, we can save it.
394
00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:48,400
(SCREAMS) I can't handle this
any more!
395
00:19:48,400 --> 00:19:49,720
(INDISTINCT) None of you...
396
00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:51,840
None of you understand how hard
I've worked!
397
00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:53,680
None of you appreciate me!
398
00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:56,840
Oh, for God's sake, Roberta!
399
00:19:56,840 --> 00:19:58,520
Pull yourself together.
400
00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:01,160
You're not the first woman
to have gone through the change
401
00:20:01,160 --> 00:20:03,480
and you will not be the last.
402
00:20:07,360 --> 00:20:08,520
The change?
403
00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:11,560
Oh, yeah.
(DOOR CLOSES)
404
00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:13,120
That makes a lot of sense.
405
00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:15,960
Lot of sense.
406
00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:26,720
You remembered.
How could I forget?
407
00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:28,480
I was just gonna say
that you're early,
408
00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:30,800
but the family drama
has well and truly kicked off.
409
00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:33,080
My sister just destroyed a cake,
410
00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:36,400
and I accused my Mum
of trying to marry me.
411
00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:38,560
Well, throw in
a pokie-addicted auntie
412
00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:41,240
who blames all of her siblings
for the destruction of her marriage
413
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:44,920
and you've got yourself every
family Christmas I can remember.
414
00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:50,680
I got your voicemails.
Mm-hm.
415
00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:56,720
I've just been a bit, uh,
scared to call you back.
416
00:20:56,720 --> 00:21:00,480
Um, my dad kind of died
out of nowhere,
417
00:21:00,480 --> 00:21:03,880
and I'm just, like, super paranoid
it's gonna happen to me any minute.
418
00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:10,520
Uh, so just, you know,
hit me with it straight.
419
00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:12,160
Is it the big C?
420
00:21:12,160 --> 00:21:15,560
Unfortunately, it is the big C.
421
00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:18,440
(EXHALES)
422
00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:20,640
It's chocolate.
423
00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:23,160
(LAUGHS) Or cake -
whichever one you choose.
424
00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:25,280
Both were in your sample.
425
00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:27,200
Oh.
426
00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:28,800
Oh!
427
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:31,400
Oh, my God!
428
00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:35,760
No, I think my real sample
is still in the fridge.
429
00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:38,280
We did this tasting, and...
430
00:21:38,280 --> 00:21:40,280
Of cake. Not...
431
00:21:40,280 --> 00:21:41,840
(LAUGHS)
Oh, my God.
432
00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:43,120
No!
I get it, yeah.
433
00:21:43,120 --> 00:21:46,320
Well, consider this
your birthday present.
434
00:21:46,320 --> 00:21:50,440
Drop it off whenever you can, into
the proper return box this time.
435
00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:51,800
Yeah.
436
00:21:54,080 --> 00:21:57,240
So, are you gonna stick around
for the party?
437
00:21:57,240 --> 00:22:00,040
I have a dinner to get to.
438
00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:02,320
Yeah.
With my auntie, actually.
439
00:22:02,320 --> 00:22:04,000
Drama, incoming.
440
00:22:05,920 --> 00:22:10,280
Well, maybe we could do something
non-poo related another time.
441
00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:11,440
Maybe.
442
00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:38,480
Mum, I'm sorry for accusing you
of making this a wedding, OK?
443
00:22:38,480 --> 00:22:40,880
I just... I got a shock, that's all.
444
00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:46,800
I just wanted to make it
a night to remember.
445
00:22:48,360 --> 00:22:52,640
Because my time
of remembering things...
446
00:22:52,640 --> 00:22:55,400
..feels like it's running out.
447
00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:01,080
It doesn't mean you have to leave.
448
00:23:01,080 --> 00:23:03,200
Well, that's the problem, Arthur.
449
00:23:03,200 --> 00:23:05,480
I CAN'T leave.
450
00:23:05,480 --> 00:23:10,560
You know, I came out here
and I thought about leaving.
451
00:23:10,560 --> 00:23:14,120
Ah, but then, I sat in the car...
452
00:23:17,080 --> 00:23:19,960
And I forgot how to start it.
453
00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:23,080
What?
I don't know what happened.
454
00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:24,920
It was just blank.
455
00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:30,360
Oh, you know, I should remember
how to do these things, but...
456
00:23:30,360 --> 00:23:32,120
..I just forget.
457
00:23:35,360 --> 00:23:38,040
You know it's a button.
458
00:23:38,040 --> 00:23:41,040
That thing there. There's no key.
It's a button.
459
00:23:41,040 --> 00:23:42,760
Oh.
460
00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:45,960
There's a button for everything
these days.
461
00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:51,920
Party's starting soon.
We should probably head in.
462
00:23:51,920 --> 00:23:53,440
Didn't you invite half the town?
463
00:23:57,560 --> 00:24:00,280
Forgot to send them.
Mum...
464
00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:02,120
No!
(LAUGHS)
465
00:24:02,120 --> 00:24:04,080
Oh, my God.
466
00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:08,720
Well, the only person I invited
can't come, so...
467
00:24:08,720 --> 00:24:09,960
(INDISTINCT LAUGHTER AND CHATTER)
468
00:24:09,960 --> 00:24:13,080
I don't recognise
any of these people.
469
00:24:13,080 --> 00:24:16,960
Me either. I think
they're Robbie's friends.
470
00:24:16,960 --> 00:24:18,640
All of them.
471
00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:22,960
Should we just...
472
00:24:22,960 --> 00:24:25,000
..bail on our own party?
473
00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:30,200
Arthur Boye,
are you asking me to elope?
474
00:24:30,200 --> 00:24:32,720
Ew, gross, Mum.
475
00:24:32,720 --> 00:24:34,360
But kind of.
476
00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:38,400
Come on. Out you get. I'm driving.
477
00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:40,680
Alright, but wait.
478
00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:43,400
(ENGINE STARTS)
479
00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:46,800
(TCHAIKOVSKY'S
WALTZ OF THE FLOWERS PLAYS)
480
00:24:52,880 --> 00:24:55,000
Care to dance?
Aw.
481
00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:56,840
I figured we rehearsed it
so many times,
482
00:24:56,840 --> 00:24:57,920
we might as well give it a crack.
483
00:24:57,920 --> 00:25:00,760
Well, don't you mess it up
this time.
484
00:25:29,800 --> 00:25:31,840
Oh!
Oh, sorry! (LAUGHS)
485
00:25:37,080 --> 00:25:38,400
(RECORD SCRATCHES)
486
00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:40,600
(SHOOTING STARS
BY BAG RAIDERS PLAYS)
487
00:25:47,400 --> 00:25:50,080
# It's late and I'm awake
488
00:25:51,120 --> 00:25:53,920
# Staring at the wall
489
00:25:55,120 --> 00:25:57,800
# Open up my window
490
00:25:59,080 --> 00:26:01,360
# Head floats out the door
491
00:26:01,360 --> 00:26:04,000
# Gave my love to a shootin' star
492
00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:09,080
# But she moves so fast
that I can't keep up, I'm chasin'
493
00:26:09,080 --> 00:26:11,640
# I'm in love with a shooting star
494
00:26:11,640 --> 00:26:14,720
# But she moves so fast,
when she falls
495
00:26:14,720 --> 00:26:16,400
# Then I'll be waitin'... #
496
00:26:32,280 --> 00:26:33,800
Oh!
497
00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:37,520
Eugh. This chocolate
is definitely off.
498
00:26:37,520 --> 00:26:40,760
Trust me, Mum,
you do not want this icing.
499
00:26:40,760 --> 00:26:42,080
Oh! He shoots...
500
00:26:43,120 --> 00:26:44,600
He scores!
501
00:26:44,600 --> 00:26:47,640
You're in a good mood.
Certainly am.
502
00:26:47,640 --> 00:26:50,200
Doctor finally gave me a diagnosis
for my stomach problems.
503
00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:52,280
And?
I'm depressed.
504
00:26:52,280 --> 00:26:56,640
Oh, Arthur!
Oh, I am so happy for you!
505
00:26:56,640 --> 00:26:58,640
I know, I know. This whole time,
I thought I was dying,
506
00:26:58,640 --> 00:27:00,920
but it turns out that's just
my body's natural reaction
507
00:27:00,920 --> 00:27:04,560
to the absolute bin fire
that is my life. So...
508
00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:07,800
This calls for a celebration!
(LAUGHS)
509
00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:10,480
A night to remember!
510
00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:12,920
I was thinking more like
video games.
511
00:27:12,920 --> 00:27:14,040
(SIGHS)
512
00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:20,560
You know, if you actually were sick,
513
00:27:20,560 --> 00:27:23,920
I'd stick by your side,
no matter what.
514
00:27:23,920 --> 00:27:26,560
Oh, thanks, Mum.
I'd do the same for you.
515
00:27:26,560 --> 00:27:29,240
Do you promise?
I do.
516
00:27:29,240 --> 00:27:30,680
I do.
517
00:27:30,680 --> 00:27:33,240
Till death do us part.
518
00:27:38,880 --> 00:27:40,120
Mum!
ROBBIE: Don't you dare.
519
00:27:40,120 --> 00:27:41,680
Yeah. Mum!
Oh... (MOUTHS)
520
00:27:41,680 --> 00:27:43,560
Robbie farted!
MAN: Cut.
521
00:27:43,560 --> 00:27:44,760
(LAUGHTER)
522
00:27:44,760 --> 00:27:46,760
(ALL DO VOCAL EXERCISES)
523
00:27:46,760 --> 00:27:48,160
MAN: Here we go.
(LAUGHS)
524
00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:50,720
So you can tumble off
that ladder? Oh!
525
00:27:50,720 --> 00:27:53,640
Such a fright I gasped... Oh...
526
00:27:53,640 --> 00:27:54,840
Adopted! (LAUGHS)
527
00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:56,200
Sorry.
528
00:27:56,200 --> 00:27:59,240
It's my eye.
My depth of perception is ruined!
529
00:27:59,240 --> 00:28:00,960
..weird driving and acting. (LAUGHS)
530
00:28:00,960 --> 00:28:02,200
MAN: I'll do one more, better.
531
00:28:02,200 --> 00:28:03,840
It's for you. (LAUGHS)
532
00:28:03,840 --> 00:28:05,520
I'm hardly gonna meet
my next sweet thing
533
00:28:05,520 --> 00:28:07,520
when I'm bunkering... (MOUTHS) ..you.
534
00:28:07,520 --> 00:28:09,080
Oh! Is that any way
535
00:28:09,080 --> 00:28:10,880
to speak to your mother?
536
00:28:13,080 --> 00:28:15,080
Captions by Red Bee Media
537
00:28:15,080 --> 00:28:17,080
Copyright
Australian Broadcasting Corporation
49975
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