Original subtitles

ARTHUR: (DISTANTLY) Mum. Mum!

Mum?

Mum!

Mum!

(CLEARLY) Mum! What are you doing?

I'm driving.

Who are you?

(LAUGHS) Gotcha!

That's not funny, Mum.

I had...business to do.

And it took so long

I expected you to emerge with grey hair and wrinkles.

I've had stomach problems ever since I had that spicy chip.

Oh, I know!

There's crepe paper thicker than the walls in our house.

You shouldn't have to use a toilet brush every time.

Can we just go, please, Mum? Alright.

Nice of you to join us. Sorry we're late.

I had a few loose ends I had to... Arthur had to poo.

Mum!

Still, you've had a bad run, brother.

Bad RUNS, plural.

Mum!

Why are you dressed in all black?

You going to a New Zealand rugby game?

If you must know, I've been at a funeral.

Finally mourning the death of your morals.

One of my regulars, Arthur. Bowel cancer. Young one too.

Round your age.

OK. That sucks. It's awful, just awful.

It's a huge chunk of our income that...

..will be missed by many.

Anyway...

Ta-dah!

It's a bit big, isn't it?

Mum, it's your 70th birthday.

You deserve big.

Robbie, I was just wanting something low-key.

This all feels too much.

Well, you won't have to fill the whole place yourself.

It'll be a joint party.

A joint party?

Oh, I used to go to a few of those back in my uni days,

but, quite frankly, my lung capacity...

No. It'll be a joint birthday party.

You and Arthur together.

What? Don't drag me into this.

That could be really nice, Arthur.

And you have been moping a bit recently.

Besides, your father promised me a big celebration

whenever I hit a milestone.

Unfortunately, he hit a big gravestone first.

Looks like we're having a joint party.

BOTH: Yes!

Now, here are the details for the deposit.

What? Why the hell am I paying? It's your party.

Now, before I forget -

some cupcakes for you to sample.

Try them all.

Tell me which one you like the most

and I'll have a big one made for the party.

Mm. This might be a you job, Mum.

I thought every day was a cheat day for Arthur Boye.

Yeah, the stomach is still acting up a little bit.

Get that shit checked out, baby bro. Pun intended.

Bowel cancer is no joke.

It devastates families and local businesses.

Bye.

Is it weird that I want to be friends with ALL of those poos?

Well, number four is obviously the healthiest,

but he looks like someone

who would humblebrag about his investment portfolio.

Number six looks like the type of poo

you'd end up at a stranger's kick-on with

just having mad D and Ms.

I'm undecided about number three.

I feel like no room would be the right temperature for her.

Ah, you missed your birthday.

Oh, yes, I did. Ah, I actually did that on purpose.

Yeah, I'm still trying to decide what it should be.

Oh, so this is what straight male privilege looks like?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, my mind says 1980s, but my heart says 1990s.

Well, the hairline says 1960s.

Oh, my God! What?

No... I...

That was unreasonably savage. I'm not sure why I said that.

(LAUGHS) I am so, so sorry. Damage done.

That's... Oh, my God.

I can't believe you said that.

I like bald. My ex was bald. (LAUGHS)

Hey, you're making this worse!

Oh, my God.

OK. Your actual birthday? Yeah. Yeah. I'm gonna write it down

so that no-one else can hear me and roast me for it.

My God.

Huh. It's soon.

Doing anything special?

Well, let's just say that a certain local community hall

just received a shipment of butterscotch lollies

because me and my 70-year-old Mum are having a joint birthday party.

Hm. Sounds lit.

I'll be expecting an invite.

Yeah. (LAUGHS)

Yeah, I'm telling you, Mum, my rizz game was on point.

Mmm. I don't know what rizz is, Arthur,

but I don't think you should be playing with it.

Charisma, Mu...

Never mind. What are you doing?

I'm on Facebook.

(GASPS) Do you know the new phone tower at the airport

is making me infertile?

Please close that app, Mum. Oh I can't.

I'm putting together an intimate list

of everyone I want to invite to the party.

I know you want it low-key, so I'm trying to be very selective.

Oh, thanks, Mum. Means a lot.

Should we invite Susan?

Susan who?

Susan...Mortimer, nee Stanley.

I've never seen that woman in my life.

Neither have I. How did she get on my Facebook?

I don't know. If you don't want her there, just delete her.

You just liked her photo.

I'm congratulating her on her pregnancy.

Obviously, those phone towers aren't that strong.

Now, should I add cute nurse to the party list?

Her name is Rhona.

And, yes. Oh!

Yeah, there were definitely vibes. Oh!

I'm so glad you're optimistic about your new crush, Arthur.

Yeah.

Considering the next time you see her,

you'll be handing her a jar of your own poo.

(LAUGHS) What an icebreaker!

What?

Surely I don't have to literally hand her my poo.

Isn't there, like, a tub or a basket or a pigeonhole or something?

Arthur, I do not like you questioning my memory.

I know what you do with a stool sample.

You march in there

and you hand it straight to the nurse at the front desk.

(SIGHS)

Oh, your poor boy.

I've done this a hundred times.

I'll show you how it's done.

Come on.

Why have you got so many specimen jars?

Well, I like to use them for spices.

Now...

Come over here and I will show you what to do

with this chocolate cupcake.

So, you just dig deep, getting a really nice...

..fat blob,

about the size of a cherry.

And then, Bob's your uncle -

into the fridge it goes until drop-off time.

Or, in this case... Mm, mm!

Mum! That's the poop scoop!

Mm. Grow up Arthur.

These things are more sterile than spoons.

Oh, mm. Put a mark beside the... chocolate ganache.

It is absolutely delicious.

Mmm! Lick.

No. I've got...things to do.

Well... I'm saving this for later.

Mm.

Well, the stool has been sampled.

And you're, like, a hundred million, trillion percent sure

that there's no, like, chute or hatch or drop box

I'm supposed to put this in.

What happened to that little boy

who used to waltz proudly into the loungeroom

and tell everyone he'd just done a poo?

He turned four.

Hand it over with confidence, Arthur.

Show that beautiful woman you are not shy of your body

or what it's capable of.

And then what? Well, then nothing.

If there's a problem, they'll give you a call.

Otherwise, life's dandy.

Now pop it in the fridge, please.

Wait, Mum... Mm?

What are all these names doing on your list?

Oh, my God! Well, you invited the nurse.

So now I have to invite Dr Vashna.

I mean, he's our family doctor, has been for 30 years,

and his wife is in my Zumba class.

What happened to low-key?

Well, you opened the floodgates, Arthur. I'm just riding that wave.

This is going to be a night to remember.

One, two, three. One, two, three.

One... Oh, Arthur, you're messing up my box step.

Now, just watch me.

It's one, two, three. One, two, three.

Mum, can I just remind you that you wanted a low-key affair,

and now you're treating this like an Austrian ball?

Great idea! We can learn the Wiener Walzer next!

No, Mum, we shouldn't even do a dance, OK?

'Low-key' should mean 'low-key'.

You're right, Arthur.

I guess I'm just missing your father.

He always promised that we'd dance the night away on any occasion.

And now he's up there

doing the foxtrot with the angels.

No, look, Mum, you know, of course we can dance.

Yes! It's just...

Why don't we think outside the box?

You know, do the robot or the worm?

(LAUGHS) That's the spirit!

I'm gonna go take a drinks break.

You practice doing the splits.

I can't do the... Splits? How...?

(DOOR OPENS) Invitations in the house!

32 point thickness, uncoated eggshell finish,

perfumed with warm rain and new leather.

Smells like a damn good time. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah, I can't help but notice that these invitations

include a voucher for 10% off your first consultation

at your cosmetic clinic, Robbie. What the hell?

These invites are going to every 70-year-old in the suburb, Arthur.

A girl's gotta eat. Oh, my God!

Robbie, your stupid voucher

has cut off the street number for the address.

Now it just says Wooden Horse Road.

Wooden Horse Road goes into the thousands.

How's anyone going to find the place?

(SCREAMS)

They had one job. Give them to me.

I'm keeping this one.

Ooh. Who is she? Who says it's for a girl?

Name one of your friends, Arthur.

Fine. It's for Rhona.

That baddie at Dr Vashna's office?

Oh, punching up, baby bro. I love it.

Yeah, well, I'm about to drop a cup of my own poo

directly into her hands,

so I'm pretty sure all vibes will be well and truly flushed.

Pun intended.

You know what you should do? A drive-by.

Literally, just throw the sample through the clinic doors

and keep on walking.

They'll just think the pathology nurse dropped it.

That's ridiculous.

So ridiculous that it might just work.

(WHISPERS) Come on!

Arthur!

Oh! Hello.

Did you want me to put this in the lost and found.

That? I don't know. (LAUGHS) What is it?

Uh, it literally has your name on it.

Oh, in...in my handwriting.

That is a coincidence.

Were you just gonna leave your stool sample here for me to find?

I don't know, I've never had to hand someone something like this before.

I didn't know what to do.

(LAUGHS) Don't worry.

If I had a dollar for everyone who tried to dump-and-dash, I'd...

..have $1.

I did actually want to give you something.

Please tell me you don't have a urine sample back there.

I didn't know whether you were joking the other day about,

you know, when we were here, and,

I just...

Would you like to come to my birthday party?

I'm having flashbacks to grade three.

Will there be an ice-cream cake?

Double-choc ganache, actually, at this stage.

I'll see what I can do.

Thank you.

Yeah. Cool.

Oh, it's, um, it's number two, by the way.

I know.

Oh, no. The...

The address. Not the...

Yeah. No, the it's number two Wooden Horse Road. We...

When you pull it, the thingy comes off and...

Never mind. (LAUGHS) Number two.

I won't forget. Yes.

Mum?

Arthur. What's wrong?

Well, I just got a missed call from...

What the hell is this?

It's my seating chart for the party.

It looks like you're trying to solve a triple homicide!

Well, let me tell you, the dramas that have gone on

within this friendship network over the years,

honestly, Arthur, I can't keep track.

One mistake here, and we might end up needing a real detective.

We don't even need a seating plan, Mum.

Repeat after me - low-key, remember?

Arthur, they're gonna need somewhere to sit during the speeches.

Speeches? Yes, Arthur, speeches!

I told you, I want this to be a night to remember.

Now, why the long face?

Well, I just missed a call from the doctor, and I'm...nervous.

Oh, you're probably fine. But call them back right away.

Trust me, if it's bad news, you want to know sooner rather than later.

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

Liz. Huh?

To what do we owe the pleasure? Arthur.

Lovely to see you out of trackpants for once.

These are for you.

Disposable sporks?

Tell me you're joking.

No! She wanted splades.

You don't understand what this means.

Uh, you're right, I don't.

I just watched your sister reduce a grown man to tears in a print shop

and now I have to go back and report that

our cutlery is not hard-cheese appropriate.

Yeah. Look, that all sounds way above my pay grade,

so, um, good luck with that.

And I guess I'll be seeing you at the party.

Arthur!

Mm?

Robbie is at breaking point.

I haven't seen her this stressed

since the ATO asked her to itemise her entertainment expenses.

Oh, it must be nice to earn enough money to pay taxes.

She already has enough on her plate.

Yeah, well, maybe she should stop... (PHONE BUZZES)

..entertaining so much.

Now, if you don't mind, Liz,

I've kind of got other things to worry about.

I would say that the last thing she needs right now

is to be running around like a hoseless firefighter

trying to organise YOUR birthday party.

It's not my party! Is it not? Well, then why do we have

a three-tiered cake in my house, Arthur,

with your name on it.

Unless, of course, there is some other Maggie and Arthur out there.

No, I'm pretty sure we're the only ones to have ever existed.

Speaking of which, where is Maggie?

She's in the sunroom, doing the seating plan.

Unbe... Unbelievable!

You have everybody else doing all of the work for YOUR party.

It's not my party!

If you don't stop running from your responsibilities, Arthur,

they will keep on biting you in the arse.

(PHONE BUZZES)

You! What's your name again?

Rupert? For real? What are you, like, 80?

MAN: Yes. Oh. You are.

Alright, well, listen, Rupert, the chiffon drapes go over the arch.

I want that timber arch looking like Julius goddamn Caesar.

No, not like that. Do better.

Useless amateurs!

(PHONE BUZZES)

I don't know why you don't just answer your phone, Arthur.

Because I'm scared, Mum.

I don't want bad news before the party.

It'll throw my rizz game way off,

and I can't afford to have off rizz today.

Oh, that reminds me. We need to clean out our fridge.

It's been a while since I've felt this excited about anyone, OK?

I need to do everything I can to impress this girl.

Cake is in the house!

(GASPS) It's beautiful!

Marzipan flowers and edible lettuce.

And, look, a little cake topper of you both.

Aw! Just when I didn't think I could love you more.

It's perfect, Roberta. Mum...

What is this? Well, it's a cake.

No... The thing on top. The two people.

That's us, Arthur.

Oh, you look so cute in your little tux.

Now, come on, we'd better get going.

The guests will be here. Let's practice our dance!

(RECALLS) We can learn the Wiener Waltzer next!

This is going to be a night to remember.

Oh, my God!

This isn't a party.

What do you mean, Arthur?

It's a wedding!

(WAGNER'S BRIDAL CHORUS PLAYS)

I knew this was a bad idea! It's all too much, all of it!

I never should have said yes to this.

Oh, a low-key affair. Yeah, I should have known.

I should have known

that nothing in this world can be low-key with you, Mum!

Nothing! You always take things too freaking far.

I am not marrying my own mother!

(THUD, CRASH!)

Oh!

The fondant. Arthur...

Oh, my God.

You just scuffed the fondant.

Do you have any idea how difficult it was

to get a mixed-race cake topper in the eastern suburbs?

I ordered splades for you people!

Robbie, no! No! Oh, Roberta!

Oh, God. Oh, no. No, we can save it.

(SCREAMS) I can't handle this any more!

(INDISTINCT) None of you...

None of you understand how hard I've worked!

None of you appreciate me!

Oh, for God's sake, Roberta!

Pull yourself together.

You're not the first woman to have gone through the change

and you will not be the last.

The change?

Oh, yeah. (DOOR CLOSES)

That makes a lot of sense.

Lot of sense.

You remembered. How could I forget?

I was just gonna say that you're early,

but the family drama has well and truly kicked off.

My sister just destroyed a cake,

and I accused my Mum of trying to marry me.

Well, throw in a pokie-addicted auntie

who blames all of her siblings for the destruction of her marriage

and you've got yourself every family Christmas I can remember.

I got your voicemails. Mm-hm.

I've just been a bit, uh, scared to call you back.

Um, my dad kind of died out of nowhere,

and I'm just, like, super paranoid it's gonna happen to me any minute.

Uh, so just, you know, hit me with it straight.

Is it the big C?

Unfortunately, it is the big C.

(EXHALES)

It's chocolate.

(LAUGHS) Or cake - whichever one you choose.

Both were in your sample.

Oh.

Oh!

Oh, my God!

No, I think my real sample is still in the fridge.

We did this tasting, and...

Of cake. Not...

(LAUGHS) Oh, my God.

No! I get it, yeah.

Well, consider this your birthday present.

Drop it off whenever you can, into the proper return box this time.

Yeah.

So, are you gonna stick around for the party?

I have a dinner to get to.

Yeah. With my auntie, actually.

Drama, incoming.

Well, maybe we could do something non-poo related another time.

Maybe.

Mum, I'm sorry for accusing you of making this a wedding, OK?

I just... I got a shock, that's all.

I just wanted to make it a night to remember.

Because my time of remembering things...

..feels like it's running out.

It doesn't mean you have to leave.

Well, that's the problem, Arthur.

I CAN'T leave.

You know, I came out here and I thought about leaving.

Ah, but then, I sat in the car...

And I forgot how to start it.

What? I don't know what happened.

It was just blank.

Oh, you know, I should remember how to do these things, but...

..I just forget.

You know it's a button.

That thing there. There's no key. It's a button.

Oh.

There's a button for everything these days.

Party's starting soon. We should probably head in.

Didn't you invite half the town?

Forgot to send them. Mum...

No! (LAUGHS)

Oh, my God.

Well, the only person I invited can't come, so...

(INDISTINCT LAUGHTER AND CHATTER)

I don't recognise any of these people.

Me either. I think they're Robbie's friends.

All of them.

Should we just...

..bail on our own party?

Arthur Boye, are you asking me to elope?

Ew, gross, Mum.

But kind of.

Come on. Out you get. I'm driving.

Alright, but wait.

(ENGINE STARTS)

(TCHAIKOVSKY'S WALTZ OF THE FLOWERS PLAYS)

Care to dance? Aw.

I figured we rehearsed it so many times,

we might as well give it a crack.

Well, don't you mess it up this time.

Oh! Oh, sorry! (LAUGHS)

(RECORD SCRATCHES)

(SHOOTING STARS BY BAG RAIDERS PLAYS)

# It's late and I'm awake

# Staring at the wall

# Open up my window

# Head floats out the door

# Gave my love to a shootin' star

# But she moves so fast that I can't keep up, I'm chasin'

# I'm in love with a shooting star

# But she moves so fast, when she falls

# Then I'll be waitin'... #

Oh!

Eugh. This chocolate is definitely off.

Trust me, Mum, you do not want this icing.

Oh! He shoots...

He scores!

You're in a good mood. Certainly am.

Doctor finally gave me a diagnosis for my stomach problems.

And? I'm depressed.

Oh, Arthur! Oh, I am so happy for you!

I know, I know. This whole time, I thought I was dying,

but it turns out that's just my body's natural reaction

to the absolute bin fire that is my life. So...

This calls for a celebration! (LAUGHS)

A night to remember!

I was thinking more like video games.

(SIGHS)

You know, if you actually were sick,

I'd stick by your side, no matter what.

Oh, thanks, Mum. I'd do the same for you.

Do you promise? I do.

I do.

Till death do us part.

Mum! ROBBIE: Don't you dare.

Yeah. Mum! Oh... (MOUTHS)

Robbie farted! MAN: Cut.

(LAUGHTER)

(ALL DO VOCAL EXERCISES)

MAN: Here we go. (LAUGHS)

So you can tumble off that ladder? Oh!

Such a fright I gasped... Oh...

Adopted! (LAUGHS)

Sorry.

It's my eye. My depth of perception is ruined!

..weird driving and acting. (LAUGHS)

MAN: I'll do one more, better.

It's for you. (LAUGHS)

I'm hardly gonna meet my next sweet thing

when I'm bunkering... (MOUTHS) ..you.

Oh! Is that any way

to speak to your mother?

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation