Original subtitles

(BIRDS SING)

(GENTLE SNORING)

(LOUD BUZZING) (GRUNTS)

Hello? MAGGIE: Arthur. My son.

Yeah, Mum. It's me, Arthur.

Is everything OK? Have you had another fall?

No, that's my answer to the question.

Arthur, my son.

Yeah, Mum, it's Arthur, your son. You just called me.

Arthur?

Do you work at the radio station?

No, Mum, I think you tried to call the radio station

and you accidentally called me instead.

Goodness. Where are you?

Where do you think I am? I'm where I always am -

in bed, trying to sleep.

Here. Listen.

(SHOUTS) Hello, Mum! It's me, Arthur, your son.

Arthur Boye, will you please be quiet?

I'm on the phone to the radio.

The roof's dripping again, Arthur, right where I slipped.

No worries, Mum, I'll just add 'end all rain' to my to-do list.

You said you'd organise someone to fix it.

This bucket's become part of the furniture!

Mum, tradies have become the new playboys. OK?

I've been ghosted by every plumber in town.

I suppose I have to do everything around here.

That phone book's so old

it's probably got Adam and Eve's number in it.

I'll need Noah's number at this rate.

Mum, just get ready. It's a big day.

Your moon boot's coming off, and as soon as it does,

I'm dropping you straight over to Robbie's house

so I can actually get some work done for once.

Oh, don't you worry, Arthur.

As soon as this boot comes off,

I'll be strapping on my joggers

and running as far away from you as possible.

A quick stay at Robbie's will do you good!

Now go and get dressed.

(QUIETLY) Honestly...

(SCRAPING, RATTLING)

(GRUNTS)

Mum... What are you doing?

Well, what does it look like I'm doing?

I'm going to climb up through that manhole and find the leak.

Oh, so you can tumble off that ladder,

and I can spend the next eight weeks nursing you back to health again?

Absolutely not!

I thought you'd be glad I'd be one step closer to heaven.

Mum... Mum.

Fine. You go get dressed.

I will go up and find the leak.

What would you know about roof tiles, Arthur?

It's called YouTube, Mum.

That's our version of free university.

Alright, but be careful.

Where there's water, there's worries.

(SCOFFS) Yeah. Righto.

I think you'll find that I'm a touch more nimble than you, Mum.

I'll be fine.

Ooh!

Isn't it great the doctor who treated you

could also give my foot the all-clear.

Yeah. My fractured wrists aren't quite as thrilled, Mum.

I know. Having a fall, it's pretty scary.

Mum, I didn't have a fall. I just fell.

Oh, right through the ceiling.

No, but that's not having a fall.

Only old people have falls.

Young people, we just fall over.

Oh, well, I think that's racist.

You mean ageist? Oh, it's the same thing.

No, it's not. (SIGHS)

You seem a bit flat.

Why don't we swing past the ambulance bay

and get another suck of nitrous?

Well, of course I'm flat!

I'm supposed to be doing the Kiss of Death challenge,

and now I have to do it looking like a budget Edward Scissorhands.

I have to livestream myself eating the world's spiciest corn chip -

no water allowed.

You have no comprehension of how much pain I'll be in.

Oh, no!

I've only had two childbirths

and a midline episiotomy that went wrong.

Ha! What would I know about pain?

My headline is going to be

'I ate the world's spiciest chips so that you don't have to'.

Oh, and you know what journalists did in my day

so that YOU don't have to, Arthur?

They went to Vietnam.

(SIRENS WAIL, ANNOUNCEMENT OVER P.A.)

Hey, I know what'll cheer you up!

No, don't, Mum! Come on.

No... No, Mum!

You'll hurt your foot. You'll love it!

Oh, come on, little... Be careful.

..Arty-barty bear!

BOTH: Whee!

Aw, there you go, Arthur.

You've given me all the itchy pillows, Mum!

Oh, stop complaining.

And let me know if you need to do a bowel movement.

(DOOR OPENS) Hello?

I came as soon as I could.

My Robbie! My favourite!

Ooh, netball!

Whose goal circle are you trying to penetrate?

Some of us are trying not to end up in the hospital

every time we have a fall.

I didn't have a fall. I fell.

Mum, you've been through so much lately. It's time to heal.

And some lovely ladies came through my clinic,

and were handing out these flyers, and I just had to sign you up.

Oh! "Hot Heads Knitting Club."

It sounds like a good, old-fashioned stitch and bitch.

They knit beanies for premature babies.

I'm more excited about the bitching.

Oh, thank you, Robbie. Mwah!

You're always thinking of others.

Well, time to go and dust off the old cashmere chopsticks.

(SINGS TUNE SOFTLY)

What are you up to?

If you didn't have two broken arms,

I'd tell you to pick up your manners.

To say I'm a little suspicious of your Knitflix and chill

is an understatement.

The falls, the forgetfulness, the calls at all hours -

it's a sign of things to come Arthur.

We need to be on the front foot with this.

And knitting is repetitive, relaxing,

and a good way to get her back into the community.

And...

And it'll keep her distracted while we fix this place up.

Fix this place up. How so?

Well, a nip here, a tuck there.

Think about it.

If we fix this old girl up,

we won't even need to sell.

We can borrow against the equity,

buy, flip, sell some other house,

and the money will be back in the offset before you can say,

"Robbie, you're a genius."

Oh, yeah. And who's gonna pay for this facelift?

Chill, Ebenezer. Big sis got this.

Bye, Mum!

Can I wear this for netball?

The girlies can't resist a wounded soldier.

No, no, wait. We have to return that to the pharmacy...

(DOOR CLOSES LOUDLY)

Now, Mum, I've got a lot of prep to do

for the Kiss of Death challenge today, OK?

So I need you to give me as much space as humanly possible.

Yes, yes. You don't have to keep reminding me.

Rightio. In you hop.

Why are you still here?

I don't want to do this any more than you do, Arthur.

Now let's get to those hard-to-reach places.

I don't have any hard-to-reach places.

Oh, this is no time for modesty!

I was a nurse for 33 years.

There are no places I haven't reached.

Out! Alright.

Oh, make sure you wash right in under...

Mum!

Alright, alright!

Mum?

Mum? Just need a bit of help getting this shirt on.

Needles up, ladies.

It's nothing the more seasoned members of this group

haven't seen before.

Ah, Arthur,

uh, this is my new knitting group.

POTENTIAL new knitting group.

Potentially, yes. It's a trial.

Me playing host,

giving the girls a chance to get a feel for us.

Yes, not everyone's Hot Head material, Arthur.

Sometimes one struggles to fit, as you clearly understand.

Yes. Poor Arthur. He had a fall.

Well, I didn't have a fall.

I fell.

Pray tell, what's the difference, Arthur?

No difference.

Oh, Arthur! Narelle just finished this incredible jumper.

What do you think?

Wow. It...looks like...

..wearable cuddles from a wild clown.

(LAUGHTER)

I knit best when the knitting needs me.

Yes. Well, uh, I'm gonna go, 'cause I have lots of work to do.

Oh, Arthur! Wait, wait.

Here. Sip. Mum...

Sip. (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

And blow. Mum!

Arthur, you've got boogies. Blow.

(BLOWS)

Mm! Oh, that's a very good colour.

And have you moved your bowels today?

Mum! Oh, for heaven's sake!

There are babies shivering right now because you're here,

standing talking about your son's nether regions.

And that's my cue to leave. Um, good luck with the trial, Mum.

I'm gonna choose my outfit for tomorrow.

Well, sit.

(INDISTINCT KNITTING TERMS)

Oh, heavens. You've bought the cheapest wool.

Getting a rash just looking at it.

Do you think we might be taking a break soon?

We break at row 64, and not a stitch sooner.

Well, in that case, I'll just duck out to the ladies.

Oh. Oh, no. You go, Doris. Thank you.

Goodness gracious. Hasn't Doris packed on some pounds?

Oh, I know. When I saw her, I thought, "Is that all you?"

Oh, you didn't think it, Tori, you said it.

Oh. (LAUGHTER)

You know, she's blaming her hormone blockers.

She can blame the many moons of Jupiter, as far as I'm concerned.

The truth is, her hands haven't left that snack bowl all morning.

Leave some for us, I thought. Mmm.

Well, there'll be none left at all.

Oh, here she comes.

Don't you need to go, Maggie?

(CHUCKLES) Oh, no. I can wait.

Yeah, go.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Arthur, my brother. You know, I thought this house felt brighter,

but turns out that's just your shine. (LAUGHS)

So, it's not much to look at... Hi.

..but it's got great bones.

And up there's our spot. Ah, yeah.

(CLEARS THROAT LOUDLY)

Oh, Arthur, this is Rex,

our builder who will be undertaking this wonderful project.

Hey! Robbie, what the hell is this?

Not in front of the guests, baby brother.

You need a building plan the size of a novel

just to fix one hole in the ceiling?

Listen, these are just some minor improvements

that I believe are crucial for our mother's well-being.

Oh, OK. So a double-glazed, automated skylight

is CRUCIAL for our mother's well-being.

Natural light raises vitamin D, Arthur,

which you would know maintains cognitive health.

OK. And what about the mosaic stone flooring in the bathroom?

So she doesn't slip. Oh, really? Alright.

What about the Fermuzzi 200-bottle, dual-zone wine cabinet

with 50% humidifier.

OK, Sherlock, which one of us spent 12 years studying medicine

and who took six gap years before doing a diploma in creative writing?

It was a Bachelor of Journalism. Same thing!

My point is, I'm protecting our mother.

So, unless you want more calls or more falls,

I suggest you just step back and let the grown ups work.

This place is gonna turn into a construction site.

Which is exactly why Mum will come and stay with me for a few weeks,

just like you've wanted.

What?

But what about me? Where will I stay?

Last time I checked, you're a grown-ass man.

You figure it out.

You know the other good thing about vitamin D, bro?

It's good for your bones.

I'll just need to turn off your water main to get a better look.

Maybe we should get a skylight.

Oh, we've got a skylight, Arthur.

It's called 'outside'.

Arms up a bit and out.

Now, it's a big day tomorrow, Arthur.

So no more asking me to help you with things

while the knitting group is here.

Every second I spend out of that room

is an opportunity for them to say terrible things about me.

Why would they do that?

Oh, it's not called a stitch and bitch

for nothing, Arthur.

You think eating a hot chip is painful?

You should try joining a knitting group.

Why are you hanging out with these women?

Loneliness, Arthur.

It's...deadlier than cigarettes

and as sneaky as a wee in a pool.

Plus, I've promised 100 prem babies warm heads for winter.

That's why I need you to help me with printing tomorrow.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

It's 2025. You can't just print something out.

Printing requires hours of preparation.

It's only a page! That's even worse!

That means I'm gonna have to go to some stationary mega centre

and set up an account so I can upload the files to a portal.

But don't we own a printer?

Yeah, and then the magenta ran out and we put it into the cupboard.

And that is where it will stay until the sun cools and the oceans freeze.

Oh, Arthur Boye, what's gotten into you?

I'm sorry, Mum. I just...

What if my wrists never heal properly?

Well, I know some other body parts that wouldn't mind the downtime.

Oh, gross! Mum, I'm serious.

I spend all day, every day on Slack groups with Gen Z workmates

who think I'm weird because I don't think mumbling is music

or, you know, because I never talk about my anxiety.

But I don't know, maybe that means I AM old.

Maybe I did have a fall.

Oh...

My poor little precious Arthur...

..aren't you about to eat a hot chip on camera?

Tomorrow. Yes.

See? I don't know one old person

who would ever broadcast their mistakes so publicly.

Thanks, Mum.

Now you go kiss yourself to death, hey?

(INDISTINCT) Oh! Get away!

Listen up, ladies.

There were premature triplets born yesterday.

Which means the delivery of our beanies

is more crucial now than ever.

I pray you've all printed up the patterns like I asked you.

Excellent! Front line.

And you, Maggie?

Yes, yes, it's getting there.

Oh. The babies will be as big as Arthur by the time you're finished.

(LAUGHTER)

Oh, Arthur!

Look! It's for you.

Oh... Well, I mean, it...

Look at him! He's speechless.

Yeah. Yeah. (LAUGHS) I mean...

I know what you're thinking, Arthur.

You do? You know what he's thinking?

You're thinking, "How does she knit so quickly?"

Well, I'll tell you, Arthur.

I knit in my sleep.

It's true. I've seen it.

And you know what? Speaking of sleep,

I just can't wait for the cooler months

so that I can wear this to bed.

Oh, don't be silly, Arthur.

The hole in the ceiling, it's providing a beautiful draught.

In fact, Arthur loves this so much, he wants to wear it now.

You don't have to, Arthur.

Not everyone understands the elegance of the stockinette stitch.

Oh, of course he doesn't have to.

He WANTS to.

Yes, I do. Thank you, Mum.

Mmm. Quick word, Mum. (LAUGHS)

What is it, Arthur?

I've only left the room for one second

and my ears are already burning.

Mum, I can't put that on!

Oh. Here, put your arms up. I'll help you.

No, I can't put it on at all.

That cardigan ages me about 20 years.

My audience would destroy me.

What audience? That's mean, Mum.

True, but mean.

Seriously, Arthur, what audience?

For the chip challenge! Mum!

Help me open this packet. I can't do it, with the twisting motion.

Oh, one chip?!

Shrinkflation is out of control.

There you go.

(SIGHS)

Alright. Back to the trenches.

Mum.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Give it here.

(LAUGHS)

(EXHALES)

Hey!

It's me, Arthur.

Uh, hello to everyone joining me on the livestream.

We are doing the Kiss of Death challenge.

That's right. You know the deal.

World's hottest corn chip. No water. Five minutes.

Can I do it? Let's kick the devil's arse.

Uh, please feel free to comment below.

I can see a few comments coming in already.

Uh, @MilkyDan saying, "What the hell is up with your cardigan?"

Thank you. @MilkyDan.

Uh, "You look like one of Santa's unemployed elves."

OK. Thank you very much.

@AnnaGG has got a proper question!

She says, "Why are you doing this?"

Good question, Anna.

Why are you doing this? Why... Why am I doing this?

Um...

Because...

..AnnaGG...

..because sometimes you need a wake-up call.

Mm.

(CHUCKLES)

(INHALES DEEPLY)

Yeah.

Holy shit. (RETCHES)

(COUGHS AND RETCHES)

(WHIMPERS)

Ha!

Oh, I can't feel my fingers.

Ah! Ah! I need water.

(PANTING)

What?

No!

No! This can't be happening. No!

Wi-Fi! Wi-Fi!

Wi-Fi!

Great news, Arthur! I found the printer.

Wi-F... Ah, yeah, you need a wife,

but this printer needs cyan.

Arthur, is that red or blue?

Water...

Oh, water, water!

Young people, and their water. Honestly!

When I was growing up, you drank tea or wine or whisky.

And, you know, sometimes, depending on who made it,

you drank all three. (WHIMPERS)

Wat...

Oh, Arthur, the water's been turned off.

The handsome builder wants to check the pipes

before they start on the ceiling.

(WHEEZES AND GASPS)

(PANTING)

Agh!

Water! Wa... (COUGHS AND RETCHES)

Looking red, Arthur. Are you sunburned?

Brother OD'd on the vitamin D.

(INDISTINCTLY) Water...

What's he doing? NO!

(GROANS)

(WHIMPERS)

(SOBS)

(PANTING)

(SCREAMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE)

(COUGHING, RETCHING)

Oh, Arthur, the ladies don't like this flavour.

Please, don't buy it again.

You gave him the Kiss of Death?

Arthur, that's the problem with your generation -

all these fandangled flavours.

You know, when I was growing up, we just had salt.

It can't taste that bad.

No! Mum, stop!

Oh!

Ah!

What... What do you...

Help! Water!

Oh! Narelle is saying head warmer.

Oh, even when you're going through the fire, you still want to knit.

YOU are an inspiration.

Oh, no.

That's all good, then.

Here's your invoice. Still a bit of water on the floor.

Don't forget to clean that up.

Ooh, OK.

Thank you.

How's the knitting going, Mum?

Are Narelle and the girls gonna be coming back today?

Ah, I won't be seeing those ladies again.

Because you almost killed them?

Because I've left the group.

I knitted the head warmer, just like they asked,

and they said it was obscene.

I'm sorry, Mum, I know I distracted you.

Oh, don't be silly.

You saved me from making a huge mistake.

Yeah, from almost eating the Kiss of Death.

No, from joining that knitting group.

What a vile bunch of women!

What about you? Didn't you have some work thing you had to do?

Um. Well, yeah, it didn't exactly go to plan,

but the brand is stoked.

The video of your knitting group almost dying has gone bonkers online.

Plus, the face that I was pulling when the livestream froze

has kind of been shared as a meme around the office,

so apparently I'm helping boost team morale.

Oh, see? It's not just me who loves this gorgeous little face.

Mum...

Hey, Mum... Mm?

You know, the other morning when you called me by accident

instead of the radio station? Mm.

You said your answer was me - Arthur.

Mm.

Well, what was the question?

The question was...

..what can't you live without?

Really?

No.

Oh, look, maybe. I can't remember, Arthur.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Robbie, in the building!

How are my ride or dies going?

Uh, I'll take option B, thank you.

Hey, here is the invoice for the ceiling.

And here's a chair. And here's a door. What's your point?

You said you would pay.

For a facelift, but all I saw was the same old ceiling.

Anyway, I just came by to give your moon boot back

and to let you know you need a stylist, baby bro.

That cardigan you wore in your live was hideous.

I was thinking exactly the same thing!

I know! Bye, mama bear. Love you. (KISSES)

Mm.

Agh! (THUD!)

(GROANS)

Oh, my God... (WHIMPERS)

I'll go get the moon boot.

Oh! Oh!

What the hell is this?

It looks like you're trying to solve a triple homicide.

Arthur?

Oh, Arthur, you're messing up my box step?

Do the robot or the worm?

Unbelievable! You have everybody else

doing all of the work for YOUR party.

It's not my party!

ROBBIE: The chiffon drapes go OVER the arch.

I want that timber arch looking like Julius goddamn Caesar.

(SCREAMS)

This is going to be a night to remember.

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation