Original subtitles

Another hat, Arthur?

Haven't you got enough hats already?

Yes, but I've hit a new level of bald, Mum,

so, what I'm spending on hats, I'm saving on sunscreen

for my poor exposed scalp.

Oh, hats are a con, Arthur.

You lure in some woman,

and then - ta-da! -

she's got to find some polite way to back out of the situation.

Yeah, well, with the way my dating life is going,

if anyone's taking off any items of clothing at all,

I'm considering that third base.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello? Maggie's Marina. Your dreamboat speaking.

What?

Oh, no.

Oh, that's terrible!

Yes, yes, of course I'll give you my account number.

20, 40,

38, 12.

Oh, yes, I'll check.

What's my birthday?

No. No.

Why did you hang up?!

That was the bank telling me I've been scammed!

Mum, anyone who's calling you telling you you've been scammed

is most likely a scammer, OK?

If you've actually been scammed, the bank will contact you.

Well, the bank DID contact me.

Yeah, but that wasn't the bank. How do YOU know?

I don't.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

Care Factor! Ah!

Look, Arthur, there's Benny. Care Factor!

I haven't bought his mag for a while.

Have you got any cash?

Oh, yeah, I've got some in my pocket, actually,

next to my sundial and my CD collection.

Mum, it's 2025. Of course I don't have cash.

Maggie!

Arthur.

Here's the man who works harder than the sun.

Care Factor.

Oh, I do care. A lot, Benny.

But I just don't have any cash on me.

Spent it all on Arthur's hats, did we?

(BOTH SNICKER)

Feels like a cheap shot, Benny, but sure.

Everything's cashless these days.

Not me, Maggie. Cash is king!

OK.

Well, if cash is king,

I'm your queen.

Very kind of you, Your Majesty.

Ooh! Yes.

Very kind of you, Mum.

So, unfortunately, Benny, next time we see you,

we'll grab a copy then, OK?

No, not next time. Now.

You wait here, Arthur, in case he sells out.

I'll be back in a jiffy with some cash.

Thanks, Maggie.

Excuse me.

Where is it?

Where's what? Oh, you know,

it was right here.

I didn't see nothing.

No, you saw nothing or you didn't see anything.

Which is it?

Neither. Both. I don't know.

God, stranger danger.

(SIGHS)

You got great hair, Benny.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

You are not the first person to tell me that, Arthur.

Thank you. I'm serious, bro.

It's so floppy, you know. I wish mine flopped like that.

It's a work of art.

You want the magic beans?

Oh-ho-ho-ho.

Fee-fi-fo-fum.

Hair plugs in Turkey.

Get the heck out.

Yes! Those are hair plugs?

Aha.

Cost me 10 grand.

I regret every penny.

It was the beginning of the end, Arthur.

When I first came back, you know, I was...

..I was a different person.

You know, co-workers would listen to me, girls would smile at me,

baristas would remember my name.

Oh, man, I felt like I had the world at my fingertips.

But, you know...

..I got cocky.

Cheated on my wife.

With a hairdresser. Can you believe that? (CHUCKLES)

Back when I was getting buzz cuts like you,

I was in and out in 10 minutes,

but with this new hair, she was working on me for hours, you know.

Of course we got close.

Anyway, the wife cracked it. She left.

Kids...

..they stopped visiting me on the weekends.

They blamed me, of course. I just spiralled, didn't I?

You know, rode the bull ride, fell off,

leveraged everything, lost it all.

I was in a dark, dark place, Arthur.

Look...

..Arthur, all I can tell you,

it's not about how much hair's on your head...

..it's about how much hope is in your heart.

Only 10 grand, you reckon?

No, that's incredible!

Mm.

No, I don't think... Arthur!

Arthur, thank God you're still here.

I think the scammers have taken the whole bank.

Oh, no, Mum, you know the branch on Lock Street's closed.

Look, let's just go to a convenience store ATM, OK?

What, and pay money to get money?

That's a double negative, Arthur.

Look, better luck next time, Benny. I'm very sorry, OK?

Uh. Not next time. Now.

You are taking me to the nearest bank, Arthur.

Mum, that's all the way over in the centre!

Well, then that's where we're going.

Chop-chop!

And here.

You can keep that as collateral.

That's... Mum, my hat!

Well, he needs it more than you

to keep all that luscious hair out of his face.

(MOUTHS) Come on, Arthur.

We'll be back soon with some cash for you.

Oh, this might help.

Care Factor?

That's how it all starts, Arthur.

The banks close the ATMs,

put all our money in the cloud,

and, before you know it, the robots have taken over.

Banking is moving online, Mum.

OK? Your money's safer there.

Oh, bulldust.

Back in our day

the bank was a little secret nook

behind the clock on the mantle,

and nobody ever had that.

Oh, well, apart from the occasional swarm of silverfish.

Mum, cash is disgusting.

It's like handing around little toilet bowls to each other.

It's time to go cashless.

Oh, I DID cashless, Arthur.

It was called my 20s.

If I wanted to relive that era...

Next, please! ..I'd suck on a postage stamp

and stare into the lava lamp for six hours.

$50, please.

PIN number? Uh...

Oh, it's 573...

No, Mum, Mum, Mum. (MOANS)

Into the machine. Oh.

(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY) My son.

He thinks everybody's out to rob pensioners.

Can never be too careful, Mrs Boye.

Now, before we process that,

I can see your term deposit is about to mature.

Will we just let that roll over again?

Hm. Term deposit?

Can you remind me what's in there, please?

Thank you.

$30,000, Mum.

I swear, Arthur, you would win a world championship in sticky beak.

How do you even have $30,000 just sitting in some rando account?

Oh, my God, please don't tell me you've got an OnlyFans.

In the days before webcams

there was a mysterious little thing called compound interest,

and your father put a week's wage into that account in 1971,

and - voila! - it's now a nest egg.

(CHUCKLES DEVIOUSLY) That ain't no egg.

That's the whole damn ostrich!

(LAUGHS)

Let's go to Turkiye!

Oh, let's not.

That money is for a rainy day.

Yeah. You know what's raining? My hair. All over the floor.

Oh, I know about that, Arthur.

It appears I'm the only one around here

who knows how to use a broom!

And I've been running round to the banks all day.

I haven't done most of these errands.

And I still have to replace the battery in the mantle clock.

Here we go. Flights to Turkey. Flights to Turkey.

I'll just put in any dates, eh?

Will you help someone other than yourself for once?

Your father saved this money for our entire family.

Oh, yeah, yeah. We can do that tomorrow, Mum, for sure.

For goodness sake, Arthur...

(DOOR OPENS) ..you're not listening to

a single word I say. (DOOR SHUTS)

What? Hello?!

Mum?! Oh, at last.

Someone who loves me.

Sweet treats for my favourite, sweetest mother in the world.

Look at these. You shouldn't have.

She didn't.

The card here says, "Thanks, Doc, for my wonderful new nose."

Who reads cards?

Let's skip straight to the celebration.

Oh, so, you got my text about the term deposit then?

I don't know what you mean.

I've actually come with the most wonderful news.

Good news? What's the good news?

The best news, Mum.

But let's not get bogged down by all that.

Tell me more about this term deposit.

I'm just trying to wrap my head around the words.

"Term deposit." What does that even mean?

It means $30,000.

30K?

You need to be careful, Mum.

Yes.

So, would either of you be able to drive me around tomorrow

while I do my errands?

There are awful people out there

who would do anything to get their hands on your money.

Some of them are even in this room.

We need to keep this money safe, Mum,

by investing it in something rock solid.

Exactly why I am keeping it in a term deposit.

With today's measly interest rates?

You'll get more growth on the shower floor over backpackers'.

No, I'm thinking something much, much more solid.

Oh.

Go on.

Space camp.

What now?

That's the good news.

Melody got accepted

into Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow's first official space program.

She's going to the USSR.

It's a bit late, isn't it?

Oh, the United States Space and Rocket Center in Alabama.

Wait, you want $30,000 for a school excursion

to the banjo capital of the world?

Oh, you cannot put a price on good education, Arthur.

I was talking to a young girl just this morning.

She didn't even know what a bank was.

It's an out-of-this-world opportunity

for our future space cadet to meet her heroes.

Meet her heroes?

Name one astronaut that isn't Neil or Buzz.

You're cock-blocking women in STEM.

She's 10, Robbie. She needs a trip to the planetarium and a nap.

You keep speaking like that

and you'll be the one seeing stars in a minute.

No way mum is funding a 10-year-old's trip to Alabama

when I'm an almost 40-year-old that's never been to Turkiye.

What's in Turkiye?

Istanbul.

I think.

Turkish hairlines.

No. No.

I love the bread.

And you'll get a scalp infection

and then the scarring will look like the front steps.

Oh, really?

Hey, does Liz know you applied for another credit card

and have maxed that out already too?

You wanna go there? Let's go. Oh, yeah. Yeah...

What have you got hiding in there? Oh, yeah, well...

Oh, for goodness sake!

If you think I'm gonna roll over like those funds,

you've got another thing coming.

(BIRDS TWITTER)

(CLOCK TICKS)

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello? Maggie's Fishing Tours.

You're speaking to the one that got away.

Hello, Mrs Boye. This is Jason from the bank.

Are you aware that your account security has been breached?

Oh, my son hung up on a scammer!

Hoo! Gee, they're clever, aren't they?

Yeah. Well, I...I can help to secure your funds.

I've set up another account for you.

I have the details.

The safest thing to do will be to transfer your money there.

No, I can't do that now.

I've got too many errands.

But you need to do it today, Mrs Boye,

or the account may be drained.

(GASPS) My son's out.

And the nearest branch, it's too far to walk.

You know what, Mrs Boye?

You remind me of MY mother.

Wonderful lady, wouldn't hurt a fly.

I'd be happy to come and pick you up

and take you to the bank myself.

Oh, my goodness!

That is wonderful service!

Thank YOU.

(PIGEONS COO)

Care Factor?

Care Factor?

Arthur! Care Factor!

Yeah, it's at a million, Benny.

Can't afford to go to Turkiye,

so, I decided to see how far my money would go

at a hair plugs place here in Australia.

Ooh. Turns out I can afford

about 12 strands.

Bummer. Yeah.

I don't know if I should, like, spread them out across my head

or whether I should just do one single dreadlock out the front.

(CHUCKLES)

Ah, tell you what, Arthur.

Listen, if you, uh...

..if you're really down about it, you can always, um...

..try some powder.

Oh...

Benny, I mean, you know, I've been to a few awards nights,

but I've never done the hard stuff. No, no, no, Arthur, Arthur.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Hair powder.

Oh.

Ohh.

(CHORTLES)

(PHONE CAMERA CLICKS)

Well, well, well!

Is it Arthur or Drake?! Oh!

Keratin-thickening fibres, bro.

I forgot how good having hair WAS, man. I feel like a king, brother.

'Cause of all the jewels in that crown, sir.

Yeah, flying first class to greatness, my G.

Goddamn, I feel ALIVE, brother!

Right. And, Arthur, how much you get?

Oh.

I mean, just the ounce. But it came with a little applicator, so...

It's looking strong, sir. Hey, don't mind if I do.

Oh, actually, pardon my rudeness.

Puff, puff, pass. No, no, sir, sir, no, that's fine.

Uh... Not for me.

Just... No, no, no judgements, just...

..I've seen how that stuff can ruin lives.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I'm only gonna use it when I'm socialising.

Although I might just give myself a little top-up

just before I go home, yeah.

(PHONE RINGS)

Robbie?

Arthur, please tell me Mum is with you.

No, not with me. I went to see a man about a wig.

Isn't she with YOU? I ducked out for about an hour,

came back to a note that says,

"Be back soon. Man from bank is taking me to transfer my money."

Oh, no!

She's being scammed!

(HANDBRAKE CRUNCHES)

Here we are.

Lovely day, isn't it, Mrs Boye?

Oh, it'd be even more lovely

if I had children who cared about me as much as you do, driver.

Well, all of us at your bank care about you, Mrs Boye,

and, uh...you're welcome to thank them all in person

just as soon as you've ducked inside and activated that new account.

Just through the doors there.

What was your name again?

Jason, ma'am.

And have you got kids, Jason?

Mm. I've got nieces and nephews, Mrs Boye, and that's enough for me.

Well, there's so many errands to run,

oh, but could my son Arthur find the time to take me?

Oh, no, no, no, too busy.

And yet here YOU are, a very busy professional man in your swish suit,

and you're driving me around like Lady Muck.

More like Lady Luck today, Mrs Boye.

Lucky we caught those scammers just in time.

Oh, well, you call me Maggie.

We're friends now, aren't we?

We sure are, Maggie.

Now, these are the account details.

Transfer the funds to keep your money safe.

You won't come in?

I'll just stay here in the car,

make sure it's nice and convenient for when you're done.

This is like a getaway vehicle.

Should I put my stockings over my head before I hop out?

Ha!

You're a funny lady, Maggie. (CHUCKLES) Ah.

Back in a jiffy.

(ENGINE RUMBLES)

(BRAKES SKID)

Agh! What?

You look like a werewolf.

Yeah, it's funny, you know, every time I put on more hair,

I see a part of me that's still bald.

Like, look at my tongue.

Does my tongue look bald to you?

Agh! My confidence!

You survived this long without it, Arthur.

Wake up. Our nest egg is at stake.

Nest egg?

Our mother is in a stranger's car!

That too!

(TYRES SKID)

(BIRDS TWITTER)

(SINGSONG) I'm back!

Sorry to keep you waiting so long, Jason,

but fashion favours the brave.

Well, I...I did age a few years, Maggie,

but I'm glad to see you're all safe.

Yes. And the wait was worth it, yes?

I mean, how do you like my new hat and sunglasses?

Is it tres chic?

Well...Spanish was never really my strong point.

You did do the bank transfer, didn't you, Maggie?

Oh. The bank!

How could I forget the bank?

I feel so silly.

I'll go straight back there now.

But...oh, just remind me,

I needed the money to pay for the street mag, didn't I?

What?

The new account, Mrs Boye.

It's very urgent.

The longer your money stays in the old account

the longer you remain vulnerable.

Oh. And we wouldn't want that, would we?

I've just got one more errand to do.

Oh, and then I'll go straight to the branch.

No, the...

The transfer, Maggie!

The transf...

(SIGHS HEAVILY)

(TYRES SKID)

Quick, Arthur, we have to save Mum!

I just... I don't want to displace my hair.

Move it, 8-ball!

Her name is Maggie Boye, she's being scammed,

and we're scared the guy's taken all of her money.

I'm sorry, I can't share any customer details.

I'm a doctor, you can trust me.

She's a cosmetic surgeon, you absolutely cannot trust her.

But you can trust me, I'm Maggie's son, Arthur Boye.

I was here with her yesterday, remember?

Oh, uh...

Huh? Ring any bells? (MOANS)

Uh...

What about now?

You know, I preferred it when bank robbers wore balaclavas.

I'm not a bank robber!

I just want all the money in my mum's bank account right now!

It's incredible they let you out of the house without a leash!

I can't tell you anything about her banking activity.

OK.

Would a complimentary fox lift open your eyes?

Well, I still couldn't help you,

but, um...I'm sure my memory could be jogged if...

Oh, fine, I'll throw in a BBL.

Um...

She cleared out the term deposit account.

It's empty.

BOTH: Empty?

(ENGINE RUMBLES)

OK, first things first.

If Mum isn't here, we need to notify the police

and tell them to block off a perimeter.

Yeah, we've all listened to a crime podcast, Robbie.

Oh!

Thank you, Jason.

Mum! Mum, are you OK?!

Yes, of course I am!

She's more than OK.

She's Lady Muck with a letter other than M.

Oh, you! You stay away from my mother!

Whatever you've done to her, the police are gonna hear about it.

You're a scammer!

Are you kidding me?

We've been to the butcher's.

We've been to the post office.

She got her nails done.

I've been driving your mother around for the past two hours...

Ooh. ..and all she's done is go shopping!

She's the bloody scammer!

Quick, get him, Arthur!

Why-why-why-why don't you get him? You're bigger than me.

I have to look after our mother.

Oh, yeah, now you want to look after Mum. Right-o.

Mum, did you give him any money?

No. I thought the drivers got paid through the app.

If you've got time to go to Turkey for your hair plugs,

then you've got time to take your mother on her bloody errands!

Yeah? Yeah?

Well, cop some keratin fibres, yeah? Agh! My upholstery!

Yeah, that is for scamming our seniors, you crook!

Ooh-ooh!

Your money's gone, Mum.

Are you sure you didn't give it to him?

I'm absolutely certain.

Now, would you mind helping me with the shopping?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, Mum,

if you didn't give your money to him, then where is it?

Where's what?

It's not here either.

Let's step through this one more time, Mum.

You went to the bank in the morning while I was still sleeping.

What time was that? So, any time before 1:00PM.

Unhelpful, Robbie.

Well, it was before that man called.

Oh, what was his name again?

Gosh, he was so helpful, Arthur.

Yeah, no... Then what did you do?

Well, I brought the money straight home.

Of course. I mean, you don't want to be out in the streets

with that much cash, do you?

Oh, you can't trust anyone out there.

We have checked the kitchen cupboards, your bedroom,

the laundry, the lounge room.

I even checked the little lint-trap thingy in the dryer.

Where is it?

Well...

Uh...

It's not in the kitchen cupboards, my bedroom,

the laundry or the lounge room

would be my guess.

Just keep looking.

This is wonderful.

I can cross off 'organise the kitchen cupboards', 'empty the freezer',

'de-lint the lint trap'

off my list of chores.

Whoo. That's great, Mum.

Oh, come on, you two.

Really, all this drama about money, it's driving me up the wall.

It's time to move on.

"It's time to move on."

The mantle clock.

Careful.

That's right, I put it in the clock.

Mum, there's no cash here.

It's just papers and a brochure for a Seven Seas resort timeshare.

Mm-hm.

Well, you said it yourself, Arthur -

you want to travel,

and, Robbie, you want Melody to be enriched,

and I want a holiday with my family every year.

Oh, Mum, what have you done? You spent it all on the damn resort?

Yep.

We'll be going for two weeks a year every year

until I die.

I appreciate you and Robbie looking out for my interests, Arthur.

There are elderly people who've been scammed out of all their savings

by their very own children.

Can you imagine?

Look, I just don't think a family holiday

is the best way to blow $30,000, Mum.

Oh, you might meet a nice lady, Arthur.

I'm not gonna meet any women when I have no hair, am I?

Oh, nonsense.

Just put on a hat.

Or you should buy a new one for the resort.

Maggie! Maggie! Arthur!

Care Factor.

Not a care in the world, Benny!

And...

..here's your cash, like I promised.

I don't accept cash anymore.

Card?

Who are you supposed to be, the rejected member of OutKast?

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

Heather's coming to stay!

We will not be muted!

What are you suggesting we do, Maggie?

Something crazy!

YOU'RE protesting?

Quick, Maggie!

No. No. No! Stop!

You are coming off of this tree!

Gosh, you look like your dad when you get sweaty.

Bam. (LEVER CLICKS)

What is that?

You're doomed, brother.

Doomed.

A-a-a-a-a-a-rgh!

SONG: # If you really want someone to stay

# If you really want someone to stay... #

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation