Original subtitles

(INHALES DEEPLY)

Arthur?

Arthur? Where are you?

Arthur?

Arthur?

Are you OK?

Of course. Why?

Well, gardening.

It's not like you.

Thanks, Mum.

Mum?

What?

What are you doing?

What?

I said, what are you doing?

Well, I'm looking through a bin.

Yeah, why?

What?

I said, why are you looking through the bin?

Shush, Arthur, keep your voice down.

I think one of the neighbours is putting stuff in our bin.

You know, there must be some evolutionary reason why the older

a person gets, the more obsessed they become with their wheelie bin.

Oh, Arthur, speak up.

I said, I'll keep a lookout for anything suspicious.

Now, Mum, it's too hot to be rummaging through the garbage

like a raccoon.

What did you want?

Oh, yes.

There's this show I've seen advertisements for.

Nurses Of War. And it's got that actress.

Oh, what's her name? She's great.

Um, they're in that place.

Nurses Of War. You're talking about Nurses Of War.

And it's about nurses.

Who are in the war.

Mum, look at me. (MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY)

It's Nurses Of War.

That's it. Nurses Of War.

Great. Now I've got work to do.

Arthur, how do I watch it?

With your eyes.

Now, seriously, I've got deadlines.

No, you know what I mean.

I mean, what do I watch it on?

A screen.

Arthur Boye, don't be so smart. You know what I mean.

I mean, you know, the thing.

Oh, yeah.

Silly me. The thing.

I should have known the thing

is what you were talking about the whole time.

I'll just go and magic up the thing.

And then I've got work to do. OK?

(LAUGHS) Oh, Arthur, video games aren't work.

Ah, there you go, Mum.

All the horrors of Normandy right from the comfort of your own bed.

Mm-hm.

Where are you going?

I thought we could watch this together.

Sorry, am I on a prank show or something?

I literally just said that I have work to do.

Oh, well, give my love to your Internet family.

You certainly see a lot more of them than your own mother...

the widow.

(THEME MUSIC STARTS) Enjoy Nurses Of War, Mum.

Feel free to enjoy all eight seasons back to back. Twice.

You do your clickety clack work.

You won't hear a peep out of me.

Thank you.

(WHISTLING)

(EXPLOSION)

(GRUNTS, GROANS)

(DOGS BARK)

(TV PLAYS LOUDLY)

Mum? Look, Arthur.

Nurses Of War is on the TV, too.

Mum, what are you doing?

You're supposed to be watching this in your bedroom.

I couldn't hear anything on that tiny little pill.

You mean the tablet? The what?

Mum, it's too loud. The neighbours will think we're bikies.

They'll think we're what?

Speak up, Arthur.

You're as bad as the people on the TV.

OK...

Mum, it's too loud.

Well, don't blame me.

Blame the people who do the sound for these things.

I can't hear the people speaking.

It's like a Charlie Chaplin film with gunfire.

I'm just going to try something.

When Robbie and I had our infamous window smash party,

I was the one who vomited all the Cheese Twisties on your bed.

Nice fashion show, Arthur, but you don't really need to pirouette.

You didn't hear anything I just said?

You didn't say anything.

Mum... (CLEARS THROAT)

..this a little bit hard for me to say, but...

..I think you're losing your hearing.

My earring?

Quick, scan the ground.

It must be here somewhere.

It's that TV, Arthur.

How can any sound come out of such tiny speakers?

Mum, an IMAX screen wouldn't stop the fact

that you're losing your hearing, OK?

There is nothing wrong with my hearing, Arthur.

Your articulation, on the other hand.

My mother always said you've got to mind your P's and Q's,

but you, you've got to find your P's and Q's.

I'll find some F's and C's

if I keep having to repeat myself a million times a day.

What?

I said, you need to get a hearing test.

Oh, well, if you think I'm going to let some stranger

poke and prod at my aural cavities,

you've got another thing coming.

Mum, no one's poking or prodding.

It's just a free test.

Oh, nothing in life is free, Arthur, especially not a poke or a prod.

Arthur, I've got more vapes.

Do you know that man?

No, I think he's saying 'after', as in afternoon.

Afternoon to you too, bro.

No, Arthur, come.

I've got strawberry lemonade, your favourite.

Oh... (LAUGHS) ..thank you,

but I'm watching my calories, yeah, so anyways.

Arthur, he's got strawberry lemonade.

Let's go and get some.

Oh, not... not today, Mum.

Yes, it's hot today.

No, Mum, I said 'not'. Not today.

Not hot today, not, not hot.

You're sounding like a Dr Seuss book, Arthur.

I'm going to go look at new TVs.

(TUTS)

We're getting a hearing test.

Oh, are we?

Alright, fine.

If it'll make you feel any better, I'll do it first. Deal?

Deal.

Oh, my God.

(SNIGGERS)

(MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY)

Um...

It's the nicotine.

Sorry?

It damages the neurotransmitters to communicate with your brain.

Oh, I... I don't smoke.

I just, I don't know why I ticked it like that.

I just, you know, my hand wobbled.

Smoker's tremors. It's very common with nicotine addiction.

Oh, I'm not addicted.

I hope you're buying from a pharmacy,

because the vapes you get off the street,

they'll blow up in your face.

I'll keep that in mind.

(MUTTERS SOFTLY) What level of hearing loss are you experiencing?

Sorry?

Ah, you have to look at people's mouths

to make out what they're saying?

Not usually, no.

I'm sensing your hearing loss is... (MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY)

Beg your pardon?

You didn't hear what I said?

Uh, it's just you're... you're talking very, very softly.

Ah, yes.

A lot of people come in here with that problem.

Step this way. I'll test you now.

After the green light,

put up your hand when you hear the bing bong tones.

Bing bong? Got it.

You only heard the last bing bong?

There was only one bing bong.

I did also hear the blender from the smoothie shop next door.

There were seven bing bongs.

One bing, one bong.

It went bing bong, bing bong, bing bong...

Yeah, just do it again.

Couldn't you hear anything?

You didn't press anything!

Relax, Mr Boye.

It can be very confronting when you realise you have hearing loss.

I don't have hearing loss!

I'm not even supposed to be here!

Raising your voice is one of the earliest signs of hearing loss,

Mr Boye.

I'm sorry if this is confronting.

But... (SPEAKS INAUDIBLY)

You're literally just moving your lips right now.

It's an absolute rort, Mum.

How can I fail a hearing test?

My hearing is perfectly fine.

So when I say I don't have any hearing loss,

oh, I'm delusional.

But when you get diagnosed by a medical professional,

oh, "It's a rort."

$6,000 for hearing aids!

"A minimum of two sets."

How many ears do they think I have?

We should get cameras for our bins.

Then we could watch it on our new big TV screen

like security guards at a shopping centre.

You're not getting a bigger TV, Mum.

Look at this, $300 for the charger or $400 per service.

That's more than I pay for the car.

These people are frauds.

There's nothing wrong with my ears.

Oh, then, in that case...

..you may need your grandpa's ear trumpet

since you don't want to wear hearing aids.

Not funny, Mum.

You're the one with hearing loss.

And as soon as I find someone trustworthy to do the test,

I'll prove it.

You'll what?

I said, I'll prove it!

Oh, yuck, Arthur.

That thing probably still has your grandpa's ear wax on it.

You know, it was quite salty.

You're quitting?

No more strawberry lemonade and no more nothing.

Brother, I tried telling you the other day,

you shooed me like flies.

Well, I was with my mum.

I get it.

You're ashamed of me.

Hey, I'm ashamed of me, Johnny.

Mum caught me smoking in Year 10

and said if she ever caught me again she'd die of disappointment.

And here's the thing -

I believe her, Johnny, I believe her.

Things are hard for me too, Arthur.

I got a nosy neighbour.

They keep calling the cops on me for domestic supply,

trying to shut me down.

Mate, they're talking jail, million-dollar fines.

I can't afford to serve time.

My dad would kill me.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

My life is very stressful at the moment.

I need those strawberry kisses.

Brother, I'm sorry. I can't risk it.

This is the last of it.

After this, no more.

How much?

What?

For all the strawberry lemonades, how much?

Arthur, we've got pamphlets to help battle addiction, mate.

Hey, hey, I'm not addicted.

I just want all your strawberry lemonades right now. How much?

That's... that's reasonable.

You're a good man, Arthur.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

So the neighbours don't see.

Thanks, Johnny.

And, hey, I'm not ashamed of you.

I'm proud of you, brother.

Did you just buy all the strawberry lemonades?

Oh, I mean, my living situation is very stressful.

Hey, everyone, look at this hero right here,

buying every single vape off the market.

He's probably going to start short-term renting his vapes

to desperately undervaped communities.

Sorry, truly.

How do you sleep at night, huh?

I don't, OK?

My mum is too loud.

Ta-da!

What the hell is this?

This is what happens when you have at least one child

who actually loves you.

Oh, this old thing?

Just a little something-something to show Mama B how much I care.

There's nothing little about it.

Those speakers are like skyscrapers.

Oh, it even came with one of those dog boxes.

She means a subwoofer.

Mum, we have to take this back.

And I suppose if it was up to you,

you'd box me up with it and take ME to the factory.

We do not need a bigger TV, Mum.

What we need is to be honest with ourselves.

Tell Robbie what's going on.

Mum, what's going on?

Well...

..I've been noticing some changes recently

and I didn't want to say anything

until we could get an official diagnosis, but...

..Arthur is going deaf.

No!

I am not going deaf!

Denial is the first stage of acceptance.

It's Mum.

Mum is losing her hearing and I'm worried about her.

Arthur, I know some audiologists who can make this test go away.

I don't need the test to go away. I need her to go away!

Oh! I could hear that loud and clear.

Now, here's the payment plan for the new TV.

No deposit, 36-month interest-free.

Oh, and ignore what they said about the 200,000 frequent flyer points.

They said they couldn't process it for some weird reason.

But anyway, I need to go. Ahem.

Could we have a minute, Roberta?

(LOUD GUNFIRE ON TV) MAN: Charge!

With me! Into the beach!

Leave the cowards behind to rot...

I know what you're doing, Robbie.

You're trying to make me go legally insane

so you can claim my portion of the house when Mum dies.

Arthur, I don't know why you're being so weird about this.

The old lady wants a bigger TV. Give her a bigger TV.

Oh, yeah? And what do you get out of it?

That warm, fuzzy feeling from doing a good deed.

OK, also, Liz and the kids are obsessed with Nurses Of War,

so I figured they can watch the episodes with Mum every week

while I get a little bit of me time.

Your whole life is me time, Robbie.

You're like an opera singer. "Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me."

Opera?

Oh, it's going to feel like The Sopranos

if you don't watch your mouth.

Every day I'm fighting for my freedom.

Every day it's a losing battle.

It's like Liz and I gave birth to two precious little torture devices

who will not stop until one of us is dead!

I'm the one dying, Robbie!

Mum is in complete denial and is driving me crazy.

I'm irritable, I'm anxious, I can't focus,

I can't get any work done.

OK, and have you tried to quit?

What?

Just say it, brother.

You're vaping.

(SCOFFS)

As if!

You shouldn't lie to a doctor.

I'm not lying.

Random charging cables, crusty tongue, wafts of fruitcake,

and you started wearing hoodies on 30-degree days.

For God's sake, face it, you're addicted.

I'm not addicted.

I haven't vaped this whole conversation.

And you think Mum's in denial!

Sounds like someone's in need of a wake-up call.

A wake-up call?

Well, I can arrange that.

WOMAN: (ON TV) I found the letter...

Morning, Mum!

(TV PLAYS INDISTINCTLY)

(CHUCKLES)

Yes, hello.

Is that Harvey Street Police Station?

I'd like to make a noise complaint.

(ZAPS)

Ow!

WOMAN: Nurses, we didn't ask for this war.

And we sure as hell didn't start it.

We're not the ones causing all this...

Are you OK, Arthur?

I can see you pacing in the reflection of the TV.

Yeah, no, I just really want to know

whether it's Captain Mickeloff's baby.

Oh, and you'll keep an eye out for those bin stuffers too, won't you?

Yeah.

Yes, definitely.

You know, you can't trust those nosy neighbours.

Anyway, now, turn it up, Mum.

Let's hear what these new speakers have got.

(LAUGHS)

(TV PLAYS LOUDLY)

We're in the midst of a furious battlefield...

(DOORBELL RINGS)

OK.

Hey, Mum?

I think there's someone here to see you.

ALL: Hi!

What the hell are you guys doing here?

True master of the warm welcome, Arthur.

Good to see you too.

My favourite people!

KEELAN: Do we have some snacks, Grandma?

If you can find it, you can eat it.

No, no!

Are you guys just dropping by to say a quick hello or...?

No, the kids were desperate to see how big the new TV was

and I have been loving N-O-Dubs,

which is what the girls at work call Nurses Of War,

so Maggie invited us over for a little impromptu viewing party.

Which she neglected to mention to me.

(FAKE-LAUGHS) Hooray!

And I have brought the vegetable straws,

so let's get this party started, huh?

Here we go.

(TV PLAYS LOUDLY)

NURSE: Well, we're going to need a hell of a lot of...

(LOUD EXPLOSION)

Oh, God!

It's...

It's sublime sound, Maggie. You can almost taste it.

It's... Are your...

Are your earmuffs...

Are they working?

A bit jittery, baby bro.

These vapes got a hold on you.

I just wasn't expecting you guys, that's all.

And I'm not addicted.

But I can't help but notice

that every single character in this show keeps smoking.

It was the '50s, Arthur.

It was healthy back then.

God, look, even that baby is smoking.

That's a thermometer.

Oh.

Anyway, got to get going.

Enjoy my family.

If you need to contact me, don't.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Who could that be? Oh, I'll... I'll...

I'll check.

Probably one of those pesky local candidates

running for the council election.

I'll just tell them I'm a sovereign citizen.

They will be on their way.

(LAUGHS) Oh, gosh, the police.

I totally didn't expect this.

Um, what seems to be the problem, officer?

I've received a call-out for this address.

Oh, let me guess, noise complaint.

Yeah, yeah, well, I'm sure whoever called in

has a, uh, pure heart

and wouldn't want to embarrass a whole family that's now turned up

but just wanted to prove a point.

Well, message received.

Good job, officer.

I'll let you get on your way.

Sir, please step outside.

Arthur, who is it? Oh, it's...

Oh, hello, officer.

For the record, I have a prescription for all of this.

It's nothing, Robbie. It's just a small noise complaint.

A noise complaint? Well, actually...

Who made the complaint?

'Cause they can check these microphones, one-two, one-two.

That's not helping. What's with all the chitter-chatter?

Are we going to watch this episode or...?

Officer, to what do we owe this pleasure?

Apparently there's been a noise complaint.

At 4pm? Who made it, owls?

Not quite.

I should make you aware, officer,

that you are speaking to a lawyer right now.

Conveyancing law. Arthur!

I'm not here for a noise complaint.

Well... what are you here for?

Officer, thank God you're here.

Come inside.

I'll just go and get it.

Here it is.

All the evidence.

Evidence? What evidence?

Oh, what is that?

It's all the rubbish our neighbour has been dumping in our bin.

I see a new one of those at least every few days.

Maggie, those are vapes.

Oh, they're illegal vapes, Liz.

Huh. Strawberry lemonade.

I googled it.

They're all counterfeit.

Well, I mean, it's probably just some otherwise respectable taxpayer

who has a moderate but very controllable habit.

This quantity? No way.

No sane individual could cut through this.

Whoever's dumping these

is likely running a small-scale supply operation.

Know anything about this, son?

Me?

(LAUGHS) Oh, God, no.

I mean, I barely know what a vape looks like,

let alone anything about supplies.

There he is!

That's the guy with all the vapes.

Officer, lock him up!

He's the only one in town with all the strawberry lemonades.

How about you stop controlling the vape market

and leave some for the rest of us, you dog?!

(BOTH BARK)

That's a bizarre coincidence.

Uncle Arthur, can I have one of these lollies?

Oh, Keelan, no! Oh, my...

ROBBIE AND LIZ: Arthur!

What... Is this candy?

No! No! Oh, my God!

Ooh! Ooh! I will be billing you for rehab!

Oh, Arthur, what is going on?

Yes, Arthur, what's going on?

I vape.

OK, I'm a big old dirty vapor boy.

But I'm no supplier, alright?

I just do it with friends.

I consider myself a friend.

I'm addicted to vaping.

But I only do it when I'm stressed,

and right now I'm stressed all the time.

I worry about you, Mum.

Hearing loss is one of the biggest contributors to cognitive decline,

and I just... I want you to take it seriously.

Arthur, you're smoking.

Well, I mean, it's not technically smoking if it's digital.

No, Arthur, you're literally smoking.

Oh, my God. (OTHERS EXCLAIM)

Oh, my God. Oh, it's this stupid vape.

It keeps firing off by itself.

(BANG!)

Oh!

(ALL EXCLAIM)

Stand back! It's gonna blow!

Nurses Of War, everyone take cover!

(FIZZ, SMALL BANG)

(ARTHUR PANTS)

Is everyone OK?

We're fine, Mum.

Are you OK?

Well, I haven't died yet.

I'm sorry I disappointed you, Mum.

What?

I said I'm sorry I disappointed you.

Oh, please, Arthur, speak up.

You're mumbling.

I said I'm sorry I disappointed you!

It's that explosion.

I think it's affected my hearing.

I might have to have a test.

Thanks, Mark.

Any time, Maggie.

Wha...

What?

(SIGHS)

I'm just so glad your sister was able to organise a good audiologist.

And after all that, can you believe it was just a build-up of earwax?

(LAUGHS) Well, I'm just relieved we were able to return

that completely ridiculous TV and sound system

before the trial period ended.

I hope Robbie didn't try to book any flights.

Hey, speaking of which, now that your hearing's a bit better, Mum,

do you want to watch something on the boring old TV?

Or maybe you want to listen to some music, or call a friend?

Oh!

I think I'm just going to read a book, Arthur.

Of course.

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

Do you have to smash those keys so loud, Arthur?

Some of us are trying to get some peace and quiet!

(SIGHS)

Hello.

Maggie's Marina, your dreamboat speaking.

Oh, my God, please don't tell me you've got an OnlyFans.

Is it tre chic?

What's in Turkey? Istanbul.

Turkish hairlines. Care Factor?

Chop-chop. (MOUTHS)

Have you got any cash?

Oh, it's 573...

No, Mum...

God, stranger danger.

You remind me of my mother. Wonderful lady.

Quick, Arthur, we have to save Mum!

You know, I preferred it when bank robbers wore balaclavas.

Mum!

Mum, are you OK?

Well, well, well, is that Arthur or Drake?

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation