Original subtitles

Is everybody ready?

Blindfolds off in three...

We should never have let Mum choose the hotel.

..two...

I can already tell this resort is going to be...

..one!

Oh, wow. Whoa!

Amazing!

Ta-da!

Are we all ready to have seven days of family fun in the sun?

(CHEERING)

And you thought I couldn't make a simple holiday reservation.

Well, something tells me

the travel agent did a lot of the heavy lifting, Mum.

Maybe. But it was me who made the custom T-shirts all by myself.

Now come on, let's go.

(SIGHS)

It's such a beautiful resort.

This seems tacky and out of place.

Oh, don't be so hard on yourself.

I was talking about the mirror.

LOL! Hm.

Hey, now remember, this is my holiday too, yeah?

So you have to be hands-on with Mum.

Sure, that's when I'm not being hands-on with my wife.

Just let me tell you, luxury resorts are my oysters.

Gross.

Guess who got us a free upgrade?

And that's why I put a ring on it.

Upgrade? How'd you get that?

Well, I don't know.

Jenny, the resort manager,

must have enjoyed my thorough reading of the fire safety plan.

I'll show Jenny a safety plan.

Ooh!

Well, now I know who to be nice to.

(CLEARS THROAT LOUDLY)

Did you just see her shoot deathies at me?

I think Jenny hates me.

Oh, yeah, Jenny hates you

because she didn't give you the keys to the presidential suite,

even though you smiled at her.

Get over yourself. Mm.

Where... Where are the kids?

Keelan? Keelan, no, your allergies.

Here's your key, Arthur.

How come Robbie gets her own room and I don't?

Oh, when you get a wife and kids, I'll get you a whole hotel.

Until then, I'm not wasting the money.

Well, I'm hardly going to meet my next sweet thang

when I'm bunking in with you, am I?

This isn't Love Island, Arthur.

Under no circumstances

do I want to be retiring to our room for the night

just to find a sock on the door

and all those grunts and groaning sounds coming from within.

This holiday is about spending time with family.

Oh, sorry... Excuse my waylessness.

I must have got lost in your beautiful blue eyes.

Does that line ever work?

You'd be surprised.

But I see I'm going to have to up my game.

Yes, you are, if you don't want me to vote you off the island.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Are you just going to stand there?

Where's my manners?

Your private charter awaits.

Oh, I've been warned not to accept rides from strangers.

Then allow me to introduce myself.

Ronaldo.

My official title is Activities Director,

but that reminds me of my father.

Call me the Fun Captain.

Well, I am here for fun...

Captain.

(BOTH LAUGH) What the hell is going on?

It's my duty to ensure you enjoy yourself.

Oh, then let me drive the buggy.

(CHORTLES) I'm afraid that's off limits.

And besides...

you have to be over 21 to drive it.

(LAUGHS)

Trust me, young lady, in a place like this,

the fun is where you...

find it.

Found it!

BOTH: Oh, no, no! No!

I suppose you're just going to lie there for the next seven days.

Mum, please. This holiday is going to be stressful enough

without you standing around hassling me, OK?

If you want to go for a swim, be my guest.

The water looks too cold, Arthur.

Yeah, water always looks cold unless it's bubbling.

My neuropathy, my extremities are number than a tongue at the dentist.

(GROANS)

(SIGHS)

It's like soup. In you hop.

What's wrong now?

I can't see how deep it is.

You know I don't like to get my ears wet.

There you go.

Perfect warmth, perfect depth, and my ears are bone dry.

Now, please just let me relax!

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Give a big Seven Seas welcome... What?

..to our very own 1984 Aquarobics Pan-Pacific Bronze Medallist,

me, your Fun Captain Ronaldo!

(LAUGHS)

Now, let's get naughty. Huh?

(LAUGHTER)

We have a good time here, don't we? Huh?

So many beautiful faces, but only one can be Mermaid of the Day,

which entitles her to 15% off our whale-watching tour

on her next visit.

Whale sighting's not guaranteed.

Now, let me see what you got.

One, two, three, four, one, two...

Oh, come on, move, move. (BLOWS WHISTLE)

Uh-uh. Distance! Distance!

Uh... I'm not... You are not our Mermaid of the Day.

You're embarrassing me, Arthur.

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHTER)

Not cool, Mum.

Tricking your child into exercise is a form of bullying.

Quiet, Arthur.

Your six-pack will thank me later.

Whirlpool!

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

I'm... I'm not... I'm sorry, I'm left-handed.

Yeah, well, left or right, it stays inside, thank you.

Come on.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Oh, thank God.

A little bit of shush now, ladies, please.

It's time to announce Mermaid of the Day.

And there can be only one.

And it's the vision in leopard print, Maggie Boye!

(LAUGHS)

(APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHS)

Oh, my God.

She's in what?

Love, Robbie.

It was like watching two wet cats on heat.

I'm honestly disgusted.

Disgusted or jealous?

I mean, he does have mesmerizing hips.

Well, he sounds great.

Yeah, well, I'm keeping an eye on him.

No! No biting.

Get that out of your mouth right now.

Am I interrupting your hands-on time?

I'm in a ball pit, Arthur, and it's literal hell.

I've already seen three Band-Aids.

None of them were on people.

Do you know where Liz is?

Do I know where your wife is? No.

She keeps disappearing.

She said she was heading out after breakfast,

and that was the last I saw of her.

I've had to look after the kids all day, Arthur.

All day.

Robbie, it's 10am.

Maybe I can drop them off with you for a bit while I get some R&R?

Absolutely not.

Now, don't forget to sanitize.

Ball pits are like kitty litter for toddlers.

Bye!

Please, Arthur...

Mama needs a Mai Tai.

(CHILDREN CHATTING AND SCREAMING)

Shipmate.

What are you hiding, Fun Captain?

(WATER RUNNING)

Mm.

Oh!

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

No, you got me at a perfect time.

(CAMERA CLICKS)

That should be in your inbox now.

I've taken two shots so you can see the whole thing.

Tell me what you think, Sweetie.

The Fun Captain sure seems...adventurous.

I don't want any funny business tonight, Arthur.

No fighting with your sister or blowing bubbles in your drink.

And do not mention the resort staff.

Have I made myself clear?

Well, Mum, it's pretty obvious

the resort staff here want to disappear me.

They didn't even put my name on the welcome message on the TV.

Oh, enough, Arthur.

How do I look?

Gee, your malachite earrings and your favourite dress.

Leave some for the rest of us, Mum.

Let's do one of those things the kids do before they go out.

A cap?

Why would I want a hat, Arthur?

No, um, one of the phone things. You know, what are they called?

Oh, a selfie.

Yeah, that's it.

Uh, here's my ph...

Oh, I have missed a few messages, Arthur.

Do we know a Ronaldo?

Yes, Mum, that's the Fun Captain. The man you keep gushing over?

Yes, Ronaldo.

Oh, I'm going to remember that.

Mm.

Hey, Arthur, can you tell me what this is?

No, no, no. I know what that is.

Oh, it's like a normal one, but it's smaller and blue.

Blue?

Mum, this is a pickleball court.

"Dear Maggie, I wish to court you.

"Please join me tomorrow afternoon for a round of pickleball."

Pickleball?

Sounds delicious.

Hey, Mum, this is the only message Ronaldo sent you.

Yeah, well, we only just met, Arthur.

What else would he send me?

Nothing.

(CHEF YELLS IN JAPANESE)

(TRUMPETS)

(BOTH LAUGH)

If Ronaldo didn't send those pics to Mum, then who did he send them to?

Maybe he banked a few snaps for the archives.

Some people like to have pics like that on hand.

Or so I've heard.

Yeah, well, I just don't want Mum getting hurt, that's all.

Her or you?

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, this is the first time you've seen our mum

have feelings for a guy that isn't our father.

I think you're protecting yourself.

Liz finally came home, I see.

She seems happy.

That's the problem.

She's never like this unless...

she's getting some holiday honey from a bee that ain't me.

Alright, well, I think I am going to call it a night.

Please make sure Keelan doesn't drink any more soy sauce.

Already? We haven't eaten yet.

Well, you might not have.

I've been snacking all day.

I'm worn out.

(GIGGLES) Mm! Mm!

See?

See what?

You have no clue about women.

MELODY: It's the Fun Captain. What a gorgeous crew.

Permission to board?

What do we think, kids?

Do we let this castaway onto our ship?

BOTH: Fun Captain! Fun Captain!

(GROANS)

You're looking a bit ruddy there, Jack.

Did someone forget their lotion?

I was just getting in some vitamin 'D'.

You know how it is.

(ALL EXCLAIM)

Whoa!

Argh, my forehead!

Here, use this.

(SPEAKS JAPANESE)

(LAUGHS)

Yes, well, the opposite of arigato to both of you.

Chef Busan, let our guests not be hungry. Chop, chop.

Mouths open, friends.

Ooh! Yes!

Oh! Oh!

Oh, goodness me.

Oh, my dress.

Let me help you fix that. Oh.

It's so annoying.

Hey, what about my chop-chop?

Forgive me, Maggie.

I hope I haven't ruined your dress.

This old thing?

No, it's nothing special.

Everything about you is special.

Wait till you see the corn on my left foot.

Some say it looks like Tasmania.

Maybe we should... get back to the others.

Yeah, we probably should.

(CLEARS THROAT)

What the f...

Chop, chop. Huh?

Ow!

(LAUGHTER)

My eye!

Are you kidding me?

(GRUNTS)

(LAUGHS) Do you know where Mum is?

Mum's looking for her.

No, I've not seen either of your mums this morning.

Ew, your eye looks gross.

Oh, man.

I'd love to see you again soon.

See you.

Another woman?

Mm-hm.

Gee, the staff at this place

really know how to pop their own bubble wrap, don't they?

Yeah, what do you think I should do?

It's just a nasty case of pink eye.

Not much you can do other than cold compression and keep it protected.

I mean about telling Mum what I saw.

Speaking of which...

(HORN HONKS)

Ah! Can you believe they took my licence away from me?

Oh! It's like riding a bike.

And like riding a bike, I think we'll wear helmets next time.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Oh, for goodness sake.

Surprise!

What are you doing here?

Haven't you got video games to play?

We thought we'd squeeze in some of that family time you planned,

remember?

Doubles it is. Maggie and I are a team.

Oh, well, that means no other partners, yeah?

No mixed doubles.

Sure, we'll start on the north side of the court.

And you'll stay on the north side of the court.

Don't go wandering into anyone else's south side.

Care to make it more interesting?

Oh, I'm plenty interested.

The grand formal dinner's tonight.

Winner gets private supper for two.

Looks like Robbie and I will be enjoying supper tonight, then.

Ah!

(SNIGGERS)

I don't want supper with you.

I don't even know what supper is.

Alright.

Yay!

(GRUNTS) Oh! (LAUGHS)

What are you doing?

(BOTH YELL INDISTINCTLY)

(GRUNTS)

Time out. Time. Time.

I've seen actual pickles play better pickleball than you.

You're not any better.

I'm exhausted from parenting.

I swear Melody and Keelan can smell weakness.

Liz still missing in action, huh?

She just evaporates in the morning

and then comes floating in on cloud nine every night.

And I'm sure she's seeing someone else.

And it just makes me think that being cheated on sucks.

I tell you, those two are one nasty Nelson away from a golden pickle.

Let's set up a shake and bake, dink them into the kitchen,

and then - ohh! - send them home in a body bag.

God, I love it when you talk dirty.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Oh, Robbie, I almost forgot.

Your wife Liz says hi.

I bumped into her and Jenny, the resort manager, down at the beach,

and she looked very happy indeed.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Who does this guy think he is?

Annihilate him, Arthur.

(ANKLE CRACKS)

Ohh!

For real? Arggh!

It's my eye.

I have no depth perception. (LAUGHS)

Bit different to video games, isn't it?

Thanks, Mum.

(GROANS)

(WHIMPERS)

It's getting ridiculous, Mum.

Our door handle's going to grow toes

if you don't cool it with the sock action.

We haven't spent any quality time together this whole trip.

I didn't want to make your holiday

any more stressful than it already is.

Why don't me and you just go have dinner somewhere else?

Just you and me.

Definitely sunstroke.

Greetings, one and all.

Quick, remind me, what's his name?

My championess.

Oh, hello...

you.

That's a rather laissez-faire interpretation of formal wear.

Yeah, well, I would have gotten changed,

but someone was in my room.

Who? You and Ronaldo.

Ronaldo!

That's it!

Maggie, private supper awaits.

Don't wait up.

I have to.

I don't have a bed.

Arthur, there you are.

I've been trying to find you. Ow!

Big news. So...

Oh, I just, um... I forgot that I left something in the room.

I'll be back in however long it takes.

Can you...

You are outrageous, honestly.

I feel helpless, Arthur.

Then go after her.

The only thing worse than missing the bus

is chasing it and missing it anyway.

Yeah, righto.

What's the big news?

I asked a friend to do some digging into Step-daddy Fun Captain.

Our Captain Ronaldo's real name is Ron West.

He's been married six times and is up to his eyeballs in debt.

I knew it!

You can practically see the gold-digging glint in his eye.

Speaking of eyes, try this.

Thank you.

Now I'm gonna go save Mum.

Ron West will not be eating supper tonight.

Whatever supper is. Get him.

Ronaldo.

Watching you on the court today, Maggie... Ha!

Like a lioness hunting a wounded gazelle.

Nature at its finest.

(LAUGHS) Hush. (CLEARS THROAT)

Ronaldo.

Have you ever dreamed of escaping from all this?

Going far, far away.

To Queensland.

Not that far.

But somewhere.

What about the kids?

Sometimes you gotta let them sink a little before they can sail.

I know we've only known each other for a few days.

There's something important I need to ask you.

Stop!

(GASPS)

Mum, I have some bad news.

What on earth is happening, Arthur?

Not now, chap.

Can't you see your mother and I are having a little private time?

You cannot marry this man.

Marry?! Who said anything about marriage?

You're on one knee.

I was stretching out a pickleball cramp.

You might know the feeling if you ever exercise.

This man is not who he says he is.

You're not Ronaldo.

His real name is Ron West.

So I sprinkled a little Spanish spice on the name.

That's not a crime.

He's been married six times.

To the same woman.

It was a very complicated relationship.

But he was sending photos to his 'sweetie'.

Dr Ian Sweet.

My urologist.

But... But...

I saw you with a woman in the hall!

Bernice is my sister and she's going through a very rough patch.

You kiss your sister on the lips?

Some families kiss on the lips. Some don't.

Any more wild accusations?

Nope. That about covers it. Um...

This all looks lovely.

But what did you want to ask me?

I was wondering if you would like to watch my heats

from the 1984 Pan Pacific Aquarobics Championships.

My nephew uploaded the old VHS's onto YouTube recently.

Would I like to see even more of you?

Yeah. Hm!

I'd rather throw myself overboard.

Mum, this isn't a cruise.

Oh! Then why is he dressed as a sailor?

I'm the Fun Captain.

Oh, you're exhausting!

OK, I might just leave you to it.

You're just as bad, Arthur.

Don't get me involved in this.

You're not exactly blending into the wallpaper, are you?

(SIGHS) You know, between the two of you,

I feel like I've spent the whole holiday feeding male egos.

Quite frankly, I haven't had one minute to nourish myself.

I'm off to find a nightcap.

Oh, and you two can have the supper.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Oh, so this is supper.

Yeah.

Oh, and we had a bottle of red wine from the minibar.

Perfect. Mm.

But the Fun Captain did talk my ear off for the week,

so let's call that square.

Maggie.

Nice to see you again.

I want to say, Peter?

(SCOFFS) It's fine, Ron.

I'm sorry I disappointed you.

I thought we had something special.

We'll always have the hydrotherapy pool.

I'll never forget you, Maggie Boye.

Don't take this personally, but I probably will forget you.

What's wrong with you?

I did my best, Arthur,

but Melody and Keelan are now from a broken home.

Ah, Robbie...

I blame myself for being too generous.

Robbie?

I made this...

..for you.

It's... perfect.

(SQUEALS)

I've been working on it all week.

Jenny helped me source the shells.

There were some prototypes that didn't survive the firing process,

but once I got the glue-to-shell ratio right, whoo!

Couldn't stop me!

So you're not leaving me?

Leav... Leaving you?

I spent all week making your anniversary present.

Oh, of course.

Anniversary.

Yeah.

A very important day.

Yeah.

A very special...

Yeah.

..wonderful...

14th... 17th.

..17th anniversary, yes.

(MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY)

You forgot, didn't you? No.

No? No.

Really? Ha! Here.

(LAUGHS)

Some breath mints.

Because you're as fresh as a...

Don't touch me.

OK.

I'd like you to take a good, hard look at yourself

in that mirror, Roberta.

Well, we hope you had a more than adequate stay, Mr Boye.

MELODY: I'm gonna sit there.

Thank you, Jenny.

And despite your efforts, I had a great time.

Hello, ladies. My title is Activities Director.

But that reminds me of my father.

Call me the Fun Captain.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Oh, he is funny.

What a charmer.

Oh, my God.

Mum, promise me we'll never go on holiday again.

Oh, too late, Arthur.

I've already booked the same dates for next year.

OTHERS: You what?

Well, I've got 15% off the whale watching.

Alright, fine.

But this time I'm in charge of the T-shirts.

Arthur!

I think one of the neighbours might be putting stuff in our bin.

Is that Harvey Street Police Station?

How do you sleep at night, huh?

I don't. My mum is too loud.

(EXPLOSION)

I got a nosy neighbour.

They keep calling the cops on me.

The police? (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)

I totally didn't expect this. (BARKS)

It's gonna feel like the Sopranos if you don't watch your mouth.

Arthur is going deaf.

(MUFFLED) I said I'll prove it.

That thing probably still has your grandpa's earwax on it.

Everyone take cover!

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation