Original subtitles

Attention, attention, attention.

We are carrying out compulsory searches in this sector.

Prepare to be boarded.

I am authorized to use proportionate force.

And a new 15% gratuitous force.

VINE: It's slowing down.

Commencify boarding procedure.

- Commander? - Yeah.

If anything happens to me, I've written you a series of letters.

They're in my room. Open one a year, on your birthday.

You're not gonna die, Teal.

- And Commander. - What?

Do find happiness.

I've done nothing wrong. Oh, yeah. I get it.

Young Lallakkiss in a fast ship. Stop him 'cause it's not his.

It's alienismist.

Good morning, young man. Space Commander Henderson.

Oh, really. Space Commander. Yeah, we're all in space, genius.

What other kind of commander would you be?

Okay, this shouldn't take too long.

- Barge Commander Henderson. - Watch it, sonny.

Stair-lift Commander Henderson.

Hoppenstopper Commander Henderson, perhaps?

Are you now or have you ever been

a member of the Furious Martyrs of Screaming Justice?

- No. - Are you carrying any meat or eggs?

- No. - That's a shame.

We could have had a fry-up.

Look, it's a very tense situation. I'm trying to add a bit of banter to...

Commander.

Ah!

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

That's laugh time over.

- What is it? - It's a Dreamgate.

Amplifies neural signals.

Allows the wearer to remotely enter the dreams of anyone for miles around.

Only the most illegal piece of consumer electronics in the galaxy.

what kind of sick freak would get their kicks from a thing like that, uh?

- You, what kind of sick freak? - Oh, yes, yes. Precisely, Commander.

I'm just looking after it for someone else.

- Oh, were you? - Yeah.

You want six months in the red-brick hell of a British prison?

No. I'm sorry.

Oh, no. It's me that am sorry, son.

Mr York, destroy that brain ball.

- Commander. - And you.

- Get out of my sight. - Yeah.

Hey.

There's one thing on your ship in need of urgent repair.

What's that?

Your attitude.

"Oh, please don't arrest me!"

Oh, I really think he learnt something there.

- VINE: Commander? - Uh-huh?

- About British fair play. - Commander?

- Mmm. - Just to let you know,

he's emptying his latrine tank at us.

Oh, that is not right.

Robot, my amulet is stolen.

We will be trapped on this barren world.

-Forever/ -Forever!

Mmm.

Air screen off.

Clock, can you set alarm for 5:30, please?

I want to get a good head start on the day.

- Alarm set for 6:30. - No. No, no. I said 5:30.

You always say that, Commander, then you press snooze,

and, frankly, I'm tired of it

I will be up at 5:30.

- I just don't think you will. - Oh, right. Fine.

- Back-up alarm clock? - Commander?

You are now the new main alarm clock.

Huh. Can you set, please, for 5:30?

- Yes, Commander. - Good.

Lights off.

ALARM 1: Set it for 6:30. ALARM 2:7 will

I'm lying right here! I can still hear you.

Captain, I bring your amulet.

Kid Helix!

You saved my life once again.

Now come with me on new adventures,

set between series 2 and series 3,

with vastly expanded erotic content.

I am ready, Captain Helix.

(CHUCKLING) It works!

You stand in another man's mind,

a cranial conquistador.

I was expecting the Pastie Lords from Cornish 5,

but he's like no Pastie Lord I've ever seen.

Indeed, his countenance is fearsome.

Don't mind me, carry on. It's enthralling.

A purple signal of alerting.

That means an evil professor has invented a ray

which makes women's clothing go transparent.

Adolescent, voyeuristic fantasies possibly masking an attraction

to Captain Helix himself.

I can't do this if you interrupt.

Sorry.

Look what came through the shuttle post.

More junk from the 1990s.

Antiques, Jeffers. Relics of a nobler age.

Here, have a look.

Now this was maybe the principal form of entertainment back then.

It's called a magic eye picture.

- Oh, a what? - A magic eye picture.

Oh. Ooh, I don't like it.

- There's a hidden image. - Oh, where?

- It's hidden. - 1 see.

Now, you have to concentrate and look through it.

- I see a thousand screaming faces. - It's meant to be a dolphin.

I see a dolphin with a thousand screaming faces.

TEAL: Oh, I feel sick.

Ah, there you are.

Ah, where you been hiding?

I know...

Ah, I've been dreaming about you a lot this week, York.

Just look at these dark matter anomalies, Commander.

They are so anomalous.

Talking to the crew, as well, about their dreams.

Absolutely fascinating. I've got a couple of them here.

- Let's have a look. - Oh, it doesn't matter.

No. This one is from young Ivan, in Powder Coating.

It says, "I'm falling, I'm falling, I'm falling.

"Suddenly Mr York is there reminding me to get a haircut."

Look, I've got another one here.

It's from Claire and she's in Telemetry.

It says, "I'm having sex with my step-mother.

"York appears and says that my shift starts in five minutes.”

- That reminds me, I... - My dream last night,

you and me, Captain Helix and Robot,

and Robot was riding me like a drunken prom date...

No, he was not...

Where's the Dreamgate, York? Hmm?

York, you were always a metaphorical nightmare, but this...

I urge you not to destroy this, Commander.

Join me. Help me map the dreamworld.

Map?

And in doing so, I can show you wonders beyond the limits of your imagination.

I've been round your imagination, you know.

- Quite small, isn't it? - Shut up.

Listen, a man's brain is his Little grey castle, York.

while the crew sleep, they lie idle on Space Force pay.

With this device, we can make them toil in their slumber.

(CLEARS THROAT)

COMPUTER: Gush, grind or shred?

All three, please.

They dream of you, you know.

Cancel, where is cancel?

Vine... 7 No.

Sandstrom. I don't think so.

Ah, Jeffers. I'm not ready for that yet.

Commander?

- Commander? - Miss Teal. How dangerous could that be?

Whoo! We've had a complaint from the Lallakkiss Consulate.

They say we're alienist.

Oh, that is typical Lallakkiss, saying that.

- Now? - No, not that they're all the same.

- I didn't mean that. - Exactly.

So, shall I arrange a goodwill visit from a Lallakkiss school?

- Oh, Lallakkids! - Well, Starbase say it's that,

or we apologise in the traditional Lallakkiss manner.

- And that is? - You strip naked, then you're forced

to drive a tractor down the main street while they hurl hospital waste at you.

Ah!

- School trip, yeah. - Yep.

- Hey, Teal. - Mmm.

Let me ask you a question. If someone had a way of seeing into your mind

while you slept, that wouldn't be so bad, would it?

Yes, it would. It would be worse than murder.

Bye!

She won't mind.

- Hey, I've never been here before. - Nobody has, it's the gym.

I'm only gonna do this once, right,

'cause what I think is, if you keep doing it, it's really bad.

Of course, Commander. Of course.

It's quite simple.

You place this piece over the eye.

This probe in here enters under the eyelid,

spirals along the optic nerve to the brain,

and then drives a hypodermic needle deep into the cerebellum.

- I don't think I want to do it. - or you can just hold it in your hand,

whichever you prefer.

- B. - As you wish. You ready?

- Nervous. - Don't be.

Okay.

See you on the other side.

Go.

(SQUELCHES)

Our first destination, the mind of Teal.

Wow. I'm actually inside Teal.

And I bet you never thought you'd say that.

Oh-ho-ho! There is our chemistry.

- Holy... - Shush now.

I'm late for ballet class and the Queen of Finland is coming for tea.

And I can't find my shoes. Where are my shoes? Where are my shoes?

(IMITATING HORSE NEIGHING)

(IMITATING HORSE NEIGHING) I love being a horse.

HENDERSON: Chloe!

Chloe!

(SNUFFLING)

There you go, my girl. Nosh on this.

You be a beauty, all right.

Such handsome flanks.

Oh, I know it'd be wrong, but it feels so right. Oh!

- Let's chip off. - What, are you sure, Commander?

Yeah, let's go into someone else's head.

Yeah, toast for you.

Toast for you, yeah.

A toast for you, uh-huh. Yeah.

Toast for you. That's right.

Toast for you. Woo! Yeah.

But no toast for you. Aw. Toast for you. That's right.

And a big piece of toast for you. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

There is symbolism here I couldn't even begin to unravel.

Toast for you, Queen Elizabeth. And toast with jam. Mmm-mmm-mmm.

Can I talk to the girls?

No, best not, Commander. In some circumstances, potentially fatal.

Make way. Hello, you.

I'm his boss. I'm the place where the buck stops.

- This way, Commander. - She smells like a dream.

Hey! Wait.

- Uh-huh. We're in Vine. - Yes.

Now, his dreamscape is unique. This is the only dream he ever has.

Never shifts or changes. As you can see, remarkably concrete.

- Ah, he's a pub landlord. - In the year 1995.

For Vine, this represents a simpler time.

A safe haven.

You are standing in Vine's pub-conscious.

Hello, there. What can I get you?

We've just started doing Thai food.

Yeah, Dave's our own best customer, aren't ya, darling?

- Sandstrom. - I'll get you for that! Come here.

That is to say, that is a dream Sandstrom, an impossible fantasy of his.

Fantasy?

Cor, you all right with all this?

Hmm?

Ooh!

Hof...

Hofmeister.

Can I have a pint of Hofmeister? Whatever he wants.

Eh, no thank you. I'm driving.

- A car. - Hofmeister.

- Right-o. - Mmm.

Commander, I should stress it is not safe

to stay in any one dream for too long.

Vine really knows his stuff.

We are soaking in the hot bath of history, Mr York.

Yes, nevertheless, it's important that...

"Nevertheless". Relax.

It's not like we're going to get drunk, is it? It's only dream beer.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Castlemaine.

And it's ten out of ten.

Tennent's Extra is like Tennent's, but a little bit more so.

And...

And Apple Hooch. You know?

It's a lemonade, but there's the twist.

It's alcoholic, and it's made with apples

and hooch.

what? where did it all go?

Yes. The risk potential state is now unacceptably high, Commander.

- Time to leave. - One thing. Look, what's this?

- It's a packet of cigarettes. - It's a mobile phone.

I wonder if you can call someone from a dream. It's an interesting question.

I mean... Jeffers, Jeffers.

Jeff... Hmm, it's dead.

The aerial. I put this up and then...

Jeffers, Jeffers.

You're going for it, aren't you, my darling?

- Ha! I am... - Commander.

Tell me, how did you and Dave get together?

- Fine. - Me and Dave?

It was at the poll tax riots.

I was a WPC then. Doing a baton charge.

And I saw this dirty, hairy, little crusty holding a great, big scaff pole,

and I was just about to go and break his face and then...

our eyes just met.

That was it, really.

What a lovely story. It can happen. It can happen.

- Let's get him over. Let's have a drink. - Oh, no, no.

He's gone down the Cash 'n' Carry, love. He'll be hours.

- Is that dead? - Yeah, have that.

Fine.

You wouldn't listen, would you, Commander?

Now, Vine has left the pub, and that means he's woken up.

And if he's woken up, then the dream pathways are severed.

And that means that we're trapped. Trapped in Vine's pub-conscious.

We'll just wait till he goes back to sleep and then it'll be all right.

Why don't we have an optics... Or we start on the rye and the rums...

You don't seem to understand, Commander.

As I've been saying,

if one stays in any one dream for too long, one becomes absorbed.

We may now become a permanent part of this dream.

- Lost forever. - Hmm.

Absorbed in a dream. It's like summat Bob would say.

Bob?

Who is Bob?

Bob, he works at Jewson's. He sold the motorbike to Glenn Hoddle. Bob.

And so it begins.

TEAL: Commander? Commander?

Oh, Vine. I can't find the Commander or Mr York

and the Lallakkiss children are here

and they've already had their pack lunches

so they're about to sugar crash. Have you seen the Commander?

- Dreamt about him. - That's hardly relevant.

Oh! So did I. Stop it! They have to be seen by the Commander.

- Or? - Or it'll be taken as a slight,

diplomatic relations will crumble, there'll be another war

and once again millions will die and that's before we've had breakfast.

What?

LALLAKKIDS: Wow.

Wow.

I'm Commander Hender... I'm Commander Henderson.

Welcome to the Camden Lock,

the fourth British ship to carry that name.

Two of them, I've been told, were blown up by your lot.

Oh, don't say... Yeah. Don't put that on your worksheets.

Lovely. Thank you. Now the Commander will show you to the control room,

where there are lots of lovely buttons to press.

Okay? Okay?

That's it.

Buck your ideas up. You're impersonating a great man.

Yes, you can do it! Put your head up. Get through there.

Doors opening.

LALLAKKIDS: Talky doors! Talky doors!

Oh, dear.

Don't touch it, please. Keep... Oh, steady.

- Keep going. - Talky doors!

(KNOCKING)

Vine!

Vine!

We're trapped in your head! I'm turning into a roofer called Phil.

Vine. We've gotta get out of here.

1 keep thinking my name's Stuart and I work down Our Price,

and I sell loads of CDs by Blur.

I mean, what's a "CD-by-Blur"?

Ah! We've gotta get a message to Vine's conscious mind.

Yes, but how? How?

We've got to think, Commander, and we've got to think fast.

Karaoke machine.

Primitive model from the era before it became an Olympic sport.

- Commander? - What's this?

Commander. Commander?

I need you to stay with me.

No.

- Yeah. - Good.

Now, I think I have an idea.

If you utilize this device to create powerful sonic waves,

while I initiate a process of spatio-physical entropy,

it might, it just might, like,

cause a temporary breach between the conscious and pub-conscious minds.

- What? - You whack up the volume on this,

and I'll trash the place.

Take 236, Cotton Eye Joe.

Okay.

Hey, Vine. Vine, we're in your head. Listen to us, Vine.

♪ If it hadn't have been for Cotton Eye Joe

♪ I'd have been married a long time ago

♪ Where did you come from? where did you go?

Listen to us, Vine.

♪ If it hadn't have been for Cotton Eye Joe

♪ I'd have been married a long time ago

♪ Where did you come from? where did you go?

♪ Where did you come from, Cotton Eye Joe? ♪

(SINGING)

Listen to me, Vine. We're in your mind. Listen to me.

HENDERSON: Vine/

TEAL: So, this is the control room. The Commander will show you around.

And this is where the navigator sits.

Our navigator's called David Vine and he's the best in the game.

(COUGH) Tosser.

Now, who wants to be a navigator when they grow up?

Well, you should do.

Navigator's the most important job on the ship.

Vine!

Vine!

I'm Henderson!

- I'm Commander Henderson! - Yes, you are.

Go to the gym!

Erm... the Commander believes physical fitness is very important.

(ECHOING) In Vine's head.

Being absorbed.

Where did you come from? where did you go?

Where did you come from, Cotton Eye Joe?

Whey! Whoo!

♪ Vine, Vine, Vine, Vine Vine, Vine, Vine, Vine ♪

(POUNDING DANCE BEAT)

♪ Vine, Vine, Vine, Vine Vine, Vine, Vine, Vine

- ♪ Vine, Vine... ♪ - Shut up...

All right, lads.

Karaoke's on a Thursday and if you wanna smash the place up,

you'll have to wait till it's Saturday night, like everyone else.

Now who are you two?

Je m'appelle Phil. Je suis un roofer.

I'm the one they call Stuart,

and there was something I was trying to remember.

Oh, yeah. Bob says you can do his roof for 200 notes, not a penny more.

200 quid! Ho-hoy! Dream on. Dream on, yeah?

There's a bit of a change of plan

because I've got to rescue the Commander and Mr York, so...

Oh, brilliant. I'm gonna lock you in a cupboard.

But it's okay 'cause I'm going to change its name to...

- Fun Cupboard. - LALLAKKIDS: Fun Cupboard!

Oh, good. Fun Cupboard!

It's a very fun cupboard and there's some technical manuals at the back.

Color those in if you want.

- Door closing. - Talky door! Talky door!

My head. They're in my head. They're in my head!

- They're in my head. - What the... Look.

It's a Dreamgate 4000 Series.

It's the deluxe model, with the built-in oscillator.

Not that I've seen one myself, what with them being illegal.

How do we get them out?

If Vine fell asleep, they'd find their own way out.

Right. Night-night. Lie down. Sleeping now.

Shush, shush, shush. There we go.

♪ Oh, sweet Vine, sweet baby Vine ♪

Shh. Sleeping now.

- Are you asleep? Vine! - No.

Vine. Vine! You've got to go to sleep!

If you don't, they'll die and it's all your fault!

- No, can't seem to drop off. - Oh, God.

Why don't we just unplug them?

You can't unplug people from a Dreamgate.

You give them backfold reality shock and irreparable psychic embolisms

with a hot unplug.

- Why is it so hard? - The Commander's unconscious, right?

So we'll use the Dreamgate to enter his mind

and follow the path he took into Vine's mind.

- Oh, I could kiss you. - You could try. Shall we?

Okay. I'm coming, Commander!

Hang on, I'm going to enter my own head.

I don't want to go there. I've spent years repressing...

Oh, I really don't...

Back, Pastie Lord.

You cannot defeat me.

Excuse me. Coming through. Thank you. Sorry. You dropped this.

There you go.

I know.

(ROBOT BEEPS)

Oi, oi, ravers.

Tossers!

Commander.

Hang on. Big one's coming.

This is quite literally my dream pub.

- Are you my wife? - Yeah, Dave.

And do we, urm...

Yeah.

Just a bit.

That's perfect.

Street Fighter II. Guys, guys!

These were all destroyed in the retro-gamer massacre back in 2054.

Mmm-mmm.

All right. Let me just try and work this through.

So I am Commander Michael Henderson from the spaceship Camden Lock

and I've gotta come with you right now.

Yes!

- And I'm First Officer Pork. - York.

York, yeah, sorry. I'll have to remember that.

- And my life's in danger, too. - Yes!

Ooh.

It's Edmonds, innit? The get-up and that, it's Edmonds.

- Commander! - Is it the one with the little hand?

What? Commander, it's like Vine's magic eye picture.

You've got to see the pattern through the chaos.

Ooh.

Oh, try and remember somebody who cares for you,

more than she can say.

My old nan.

Oh, for goodness sake.

Okay, there's this big, brown chair,

and you like sitting in your big, brown chair.

- Oh, yes. Spinning jenny. - Yes, spinning jenny.

Mr York! We're in Vine's head! We need to get out through the mind portal.

A what? You're in on it, too, then?

That's classic. 'Ere, what, you trying to get me back for that time

I put your name on all those prossie cards?

Teal, rip your uniform. Do it.

- What? - Do...

willful uniform damage. To the punishment cube.

Mr Vine!

Hey, Jeffers. Let's go.

- No, I made Chun-Li do the Kwaigon Fist. - Come on!

And where do you think you're taking my husband?

You don't wanna know.

I took out ten hippies at Stonehenge with this.

You're not you.

The real you is a cyborg on a spaceship in the 22nd century.

You're part of a reoccurring dream in David's head, all right?

You never leave the pub, do you?

And it's always ten to three.

Is this true, Dave?

How come?

Everything we've worked for.

Me?

Is none of it real?

Sorry.

Bet that feels pretty real, though, doesn't it?

- Now, do you wanna try a chair? - I love you. I wanna stay here.

I've tried living in the real world, but I don't get along with it.

- Oh, Dave. - I wanna live here in my head with you.

Hey, you can put my body in a tank thingy and get some tubes into it,

so I can stay here.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's possible.

You sure you wanna do this, Dave? You know there's no coming back from it?

- Yeah. - As you wish.

Hey, it was lovely to meet you.

You really are wonderfully brassy.

Go! Go! Go!

Oi! Dave! Dave! Dave!

Put me back in my head.

Oh, Britney! Whose mind is this?

- Take a wild guess. - Oh, of course.

(GIRLS CHEERING)

See you later.

Oh, where are we now? Perhaps we've taken a wrong turn. Should we go back?

Hey, map.

- You've got a map? - He has a map.

Thank you. Okay.

- Since we don't know where we are now... - It's true, actually.

Eh, guys.

That is creepy.

- Oh, Commander. - Oh, no.

TEAL: Oh, York, stop it. I don't like it.

(GRUNTS)

Is everyone all right? We're home?

Reality.

- Is it, though? Can you feel that? - Yes, I can.

- Can you? - Yes.

- You sure you can? - Yes, stop pecking at me!

Maybe we were so desperate to escape the dream realms

that one of us has fantasized the perfect recreation of the ship.

And we've just slipped into that reality without realizing...

Hello?

Lallakkids!

Not fun! Not fun!

Okay, okay, fine. So, you came onto the spaceship as a goodwill gesture.

A scary man screamed at you and you got locked in a not-fun cupboard

by a very tall lady.

What sort of bribe do we need so that you don't tell anyone?

A lolly?

A lolly each? Two lollies each and a sticker.

Two lollies each, a sticker and 10,000 credits.

Yeah, of course.

Open it up for us, will you? Cheers, mate.

(BEEPING)

Okay. Good.

As we dispose of this little globe of troubles,

let's not get lost in recrimination about

who went into whose head.

- You went into our heads. - You did.

Very well, I did, but that's not the issue.

- The issue is that we... - But it is!

- Yeah, I agree. - This is absolutely right.

I'm gonna have a bath.

Teal, walk with me a while.

(LAUGHS) Husband!

You wait till tonight.

Look, I...

I just wanted you to know that anything that I saw

inside your mind will be treated with the strictest confidence.

- Really? - Absolutely.

- Thank you, Commander. That's a relief. - Good, good.

- All right. Come on, get out of here. - Okay.

(IMITATING HORSE NEIGHING)