Original subtitles

How long have you been traveling?

A year or so.

I had a job torturing rebels and then laying my eggs in their faces

so my young would burst from their eye sockets

and, you know, it was secure and it was money but, um...

In the end, it wasn't me.

Yeah. Mmm. Yeah.

- I love this planet. Mmm. - Mmm.

Poverty makes people so much nicer, don't you think?

They don't have all the things that weigh us down,

like fancy music systems

and careers and hope.

TEAL: Ooh! Hello!

Can I... Can I sit here? That would be lovely. Budge up.

Ooh, slimy.

- Hi. - Sorry.

Just got off the old sky bus, so my neck is so stiff.

Just going to do a little stretchette.

That one.

So, who's who, then?

- I'm Vortigan. - Shh! It's her I'm interested in.

- I'm Arabella. - Right. That's a match.

That's a nice name.

(TEAL CHUCKLING)

They're Space Force boots.

Are they?

- Say you got them in a market. - Mmm. Very good.

I really don't think my character would say that.

I won these in a card game,

because I'm a card sharp.

Mmm.

You know a lot about Space Force, then?

Well, you could say that, yeah.

Is that because your father's a very high-ranking member of it, possibly?

- He's an admiral. - Mmm.

And Yahtzee.

Admiral whom?

Teal, just get on with it.

There's nothing wrong with being thorough.

What's this?

- What what? - What's that?

It's just an earring...

Identity confirmed. Identity confirmed. Operation Kestrel is green.

Arabella Spicer, daughter of Admiral Spicer,

you are two days late for university.

We are here to escort you to your place of study,

where you will Commencify a course in Land Management and Social History.

- No! - Wrong. Not no, yes. Take her.

Well done, Henderson.

I know this mission is a little irregular, but it's a one-off.

It's imperative that you get Arabella to college

before the end of Freshers' Week.

The Admiral feels that if you don't make friends early on,

then it's a lingering social death.

Hang on. But that would mean a direct route and that would take us

straight through the middle of... Hey, hey!

Good operation name by the way, Dave.

Kestrel, incisive, swift. You all right?

I named it after the lager.

She won't come out of the shuttle. She's not a happy bunny.

Give her a minute. Give her a minute.

Nice planet?

Nice? No, it's a festering Gomorrah.

Anarchy and sloth have coupled and that world

is their baseless progeny.

Oh, for an exterminating angel of fire-spewing doom.

Mmm, but there was a lovely bazaar. Oh, I got you this, Commander.

Oh, what's that?

Ah!

- It's my name on a grain of rice. - Yes!

What an amazing time we live in.

- Thank you very much. - Thank you.

(SIGHS)

Hey, you get me anything?

Um...

Yes, I did, actually.

- (MUMBLES) The galaxy's smallest kite. - It's what?

The galaxy's smallest kite.

Oi, it's so small. Look at that.

You'd need hardly any wind with that, would you?

- Hello? - Commander Michael Henderson.

Did my dad send you?

God. It's like when he wouldn't let me go to that jazz rave.

Or when he had my boyfriend killed.

We hope you enjoy your stay with us here on the Camden Lock.

I hate Space Force.

Should get rid of it. Spend the money on something useful.

Such as?

(SCOFFS) Baby Pilates. And that's just a start.

Ah, I see. You're a little bit left wing, aren't you?

Which is fine. Mr York used to be a bit left wing, didn't you?

What, um...

What was that thing you used to say? Um...

- Poor people should get healthcare. - The healthcare, yeah.

Youthful madness.

Look, you'll be at uni in four days. Until then, make yourself at home.

Anything you need, anything at all, just let us know, yeah?

Oh, yeah, okay.

Um, I'd like a 20-mile-wide bowl of mayonnaise.

Anything within reason.

Um, I'm allergic to feathers. I'd like a synthetic pillow.

- Done. - Full of singing mice.

Teal, show her to her quarters. Mr York, with me, please.

TEAL: Take this. Follow me, please.

That's it.

And here we are.

So, um, now.

I actually had a hand in designing the guest bedroom.

I wanted to combine 22nd century chic

with hues of country diary of an Edwardian lady.

I must say, I think I pulled it off.

Yeah, it's one of those ironic

let's-see-how-horrible- we-can-do-it things.

Make it so disgusting it's sort of, almost cool.

Exactly.

Right. Now, I've laid out everything you need here for your first-week essay,

"The Destruction Of Leeds By A Comet In 2029

"Turned Out To Be Beneficial For The Region. Discuss."

So that's all there, okay?

Oh, you're nervous about uni, aren't you?

Don't be. Trust me, you'll have an amazing time.

You'll make lots and lots of new friends

and you'll stay up till 2:00, drinking coffee and chatting and...

And then suddenly, everybody's made new friends

and you're drinking coffee on your own.

Just because you go to lectures doesn't make you boring.

Why do I always have to buy the washing-up liquid?

It's not the expense, it's the admin.

Saturday nights are the worst. That's when the tears come, so...

You'll have the time of your life!

Okay, so there's extra counter panes if you need them.

VINE: She's nice, isn't she? I think we had a moment there, me and her.

JEFFERS: All right. Well...

A girl like that, you've got to move in rather carefully.

Yeah, like you'd know.

How?

Well, women are attracted to strength, Vine.

So you have to show her you're strong. Play it cool. You know, just hang back.

Let her come to you.

Better still, don't even let her see you. Stay out of sight.

Don't ever talk to her, and transfer to a different ship.

You fancy her, too, don't you?

Um, chubby.

McFarlane Opening.

Very clever, Mr York. I've got your number.

I know her kind.

They despise us and everything we stand for.

(SCOFFS) Until the day the Bubsy Wasps of CheCheChe

come scrabbling at their front doors with their two-meter sting claws.

And then they will shout, "Save us, Mr York.

"Save us from the Bubsy Wasps of CheCheChe."

I will look down on them and I will whisper,

"No, let them feast upon your flaccid innards."

- Ah! - The Yetamota Defense.

How unpredictable.

She's a good kid, York. She's just young.

Maybe she needs someone to take her under his wing.

It is our mission to get her from A to B.

She can learn at university.

Maybe we were chosen for a reason.

- Oh! And see them tumble! - Good play. Well done.

Checkplug.

(WHEEZING)

Why don't you bring your inhaler? What is...

oil

- Drop her. - I'm setting her free.

You've taken an innocent woman and turned her into your tech no slave.

Sandstrom is an enhanced human...

Yeah, she obeys everything I say, but it's nothing like being a slave.

She loves it.

You should see her little face light up when I give her an order.

- Right, Sandstrom? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look, if you don't stop that, you will pull her brain out.

You're not too big to go over my knee, young lady.

- That would be crossing a line. - Yes, it would be crossing a line.

(CRUNCHING)

No!

(HENDERSON EXCLAIMING)

I thought it was just a little hat.

Oh, my poor, loyal digi-serf.

- Watch where you step. - Grey and slimy. Could be Sandstrom.

Okay, look...

Okay.

Arabella, it's very important to me now that

you don't look down.

Fear not, I shall make you whole once more.

Okay, look. Very gently,

lay the mecha-skull on the console. Don't look down, yeah.

Okay? Now, come with me.

Just... No, no. Don't look down.

(VOMITING)

She's honked in spinning jenny.

HENDERSON: Sit.

Two ways we can do this, all right?

I can fling you in solitary for assaulting an officer.

You're there for the rest of the trip.

It isn't very nice, let me tell you that. But that's not my way.

- That's the way the squares would do it. - Right. What would you do?

What I'm gonna do is this.

All right, you're gonna come to my cabin every day, and we're gonna talk.

We're gonna chat. We're gonna jibber-jabber.

We're gonna put names to those demons inside of you.

- You're not a therapist. - Oh, really?

- I'll have solitary. - Hmm.

I thought you might say that.

You'll fight it at first. "I don't want to talk. I hate you."

But I'll keep going. 'Cause I've got faith in you.

You'll come in, you'll be like...

(WHIMPERING) "My dad never loved me!

"How can I be a better person who isn't really annoying?"

Hey. And after that, everything will be all right.

Forever.

Today.

My cabin.

- 3:00. - I'm not coming.

- You'll be there. - I'm not coming.

Yeah, you will.

- Not coming. - Hey, hey, hey! I'll see you at 3:00.

- 3:00. - I'm not coming.

(KNOCKING)

- 3:00. I'll see you at 3:00. - I'm not coming.

(MOCK CRYING)

Care for one?

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) I'd love a tissue.

The tears mean healing.

I like your top.

I hate it. I hate all my clothes.

- I like your haircut. - I don't. I'm gonna shave it.

Can you leave me?

I think I'm just going to stay here and die.

Is this woman bothering you?

I just don't think you should die

till you've seen the level 7 service corridor.

What's in it?

- Pipes. - Oh.

- What's your name? - Carl.

Carl Jeffers. I'm going that way if you...

- I like your top. - (GIGGLES) Do you? Thanks.

Oi! Oi, Jeffers! We're under attack. Come on.

Come on! Leave her. Come on.

(ALARM BLARING)

Incoming Engulfers. A whole brood of them.

I knew this was a bad short cut. Mr York, fire tubes one and three.

Priming and firing.

Oh, found the bridge all right?

- Why are you shooting at them? - They're Engulfers. They devour atoms

- and turn them into dark matter. - Huh?

They eat little girls like you and poo black holes.

Well, they still have a right to live.

Look, this is the toughest part of the job for me, all right?

It's the bit I hate.

Aw! That one, right, went in through the mummy

and got baby on the way out.

It's completely one-sided. It's a massacre!

Oh, thank you very much.

I love peace, all right?

- Teal, tell her what I think of peace. - Oh, he absolutely loves peace.

It's one of my favourite states of being, up there with asleep and...

- Drunk. - And drunk. Thank you, Teal.

But sometimes, with a heavy heart, one must... Oh! Right up its mouth arse!

Who was that? Was that you?

- Could have been. - Jeffers!

Yeah, you're just like all the rest, are you?

(STAMMERING) No! That was... I ..

Hey, come on, everyone. This is crazy. You know, they mean us no harm.

- It's murder. - Oh, Carl.

You've seen enough, kid. Maybe I have, too.

- Mr Jeffers? - Uh...

You'd better go.

Murderer!

The rest are fleeing, Commander.

Let us give chase. Hunt them down one by one.

Oh, I don't want to. It's no fun any more.

You know, I think her generation might be the very first

that doesn't respect its elders.

- That is so true. - Isn't it?

Is this where you do the paperwork for a bit longer

just to show who's in charge?

(SIGHS)

And he's peering over the half-moons.

- You know why I asked you in? - No.

Okay. We're officers, all right?

As such, there are certain

rivers we don't fish.

Certain substations we don't climb into.

- Do you know what I'm saying? - No.

Okay. It's the same for me. What if I started sleeping with a cadet?

That's pretty academic 'cause none of them wanna sleep with you.

That's not true, but...

I was playing Shag or Die on level 12 the other day,

they all chose sweet oblivion.

- Jeffers. - In preference to that.

Just leave her alone, all right?

End of me... You can't just leave me...

Listen, for your information, there are plenty of the crew

who would love a piece of the H.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

(SNICKERING)

- Not you as well. - Arabella's meant to be with me.

So you and I must settle things.

Come on, then.

- You're sure you want to do this? - Uh-huh.

Tyrannosaur v Triceratops, or Regency Dandies?

Dandies, please.

I must have satisfaction.

- Do we have to do the stupid voices? - I insist, sir.

well, if we must, we must.

En garde.

- Ha! - Ha!

Hal

Ha-ha!

He's good. He's very, very good.

- Do you submit, sir? - well, I...

I would, my dear fellow, only I've written a patch.

Gun.

And I missed.

And it's a period flintlock. Just the one bullet.

Hal

(VINE LAUGHING)

Just a sword. A sword! Rocket launcher. Particle cannon.

Canon attac...

(GROANING)

I am undone.

You've won. She's all yours.

Just take care of her, okay?

For the help you gave me defeating the Evil Wizards of Bagvik,

I Captain Helix, hereby name you

the Teen Time Mystery Solvers.

Now, get off with you.

Go and have your own intergalactic space adventures.

(LAUGHING)

It's a spin-off too far.

Father always wanted a boy.

- What? - Father always wanted a boy.

Please. Continue.

Once, I laid out a tea party for my dollies,

and he promised to come, but he never came.

- Pig. - Just 'cause a war broke out.

(SCOFFING)

- Just let it all out. - He never thought I was good enough.

Before I go to uni,

could you teach me what it's like to be in Space Force?

- Yes, I can. - Teach me from the very beginning.

The very beginning.

Lord, it was a long time ago. Um, let me think, well...

Day One is about wearing name badges and finding out where the bogs are.

And then, there's a seminar about pensions.

Day Two is trust exercises, then... Then coffee on the little...

when do you learn how to fly a little ship?

(SIGHS)

what a hungry young mind.

Week Five.

We'll do that.

Okay, down into second.

Remember your auxiliaries. Good.

All right. Altitude thrusters. No, thrusters, thrusters. That's fine.

Good. And pull over on the left.

And power down.

- Smashing. How do you think you did? - Don't know.

Well, I think you can give yourself a little pat on the back.

Jolly well done.

- You ready for the next level? - Okay.

Okay. Good. Grasp the control ball.

Okay.

All right. Now, just edge out very gently, all right?

Ooh! Just remember it's a simulation, so there's no need to panic.

And now claim the lane when there's a gap.

Claim the lane. Claim the lane. That's nice.

All right? Whoa!

He cut you up! Move, give me that.

I'll show you. Picking on a little girl on her driving lesson, are you?

You like that? How'd you like this? How'd you like that?

Oh!

COMPUTER: Vessel destroyed. Odds of survival, 2%.

That's enough for today, isn't it?

You're tired, you're tired.

No! Emergency! Emergency! Everybody up!

Emergency! Emergency!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. - It's Arabella!

I was going to tell her I won her in a fight, but now she's gone.

She can't just go, she'd need a shuttle,

and only officers have the codes to the shuttle...

Jeffers!

I beat him. I beat him! I stabbed him!

We need to find her quick, or we're all in a lot of trouble, all right?

Hey, Vine, I want you to hold it together, yeah?

Relax.

For goodness sake, don't think about the two of them having it off.

No!

No!

Sandstrom, power up engines one to eight.

We've got a lot of space to search and very little time.

Ah, Jeffers.

What to do about Jeffers, eh, Sandstrom?

A willful anarchist.

And yet he did something I could never do.

Abandoned his duty for

feelings.

Oh, Sandstrom.

Sandy.

I can't tell you how many times

I've studied your manual.

You're so

efficient.

Do you think you and I...

No, of course not.

There, that's fixed your digi-plasma thing. Ah! What news?

We just searched Jeffers' room.

It was like a bomb hit a landfill and a pig went to live there.

Found this. Directions to the Pleasure World of Syphabo.

- Then with your permission, Commander... - Yep.

Mr Vine, set course for Syphabo.

- Sandstrom, full power. - I love you.

(LAUGHING) She didn't say that.

And they've got these surgery bars

where you can change your gender for the whole evening.

Want to try the other way around? Huh?

We're not going to Syphabo, I changed course.

We're going to find the Engulfers.

Yeah, nice one. You're gonna love Syphabo. Absolutely love it.

It's like a seven deadly sins pick and mix.

But mainly lust.

You don't mean that, do you?

They mean us no harm. That's what you said.

Yeah, but that was yesterday, before I slept with you.

That was yesterme.

Not all humans are murderers. we'll show them that.

- Okay. It's not a good... - Uh!

Daddy will enjoy having you killed. He may even do it himself.

You little...

(FORCED COUGHING)

Camden Lock. Camden Lock. Help. SOS, all of that.

We're going towards the Engulfers. She's taken advantage of me.

I'm quite hurt. I feel used.

Can you pick me up, please?

Come and rescue me.

- York, locate the source of... - I have it, Commander.

...signal. Vine, plot a course.

- Don't know if I want to. - Eh?

I said I don't know if I want to.

All right, we won't bother, then.

It don't really matter, does it? Probably only be a little firing squad.

Oi! I Count the lines!

This is going to be beautiful, Carl.

Hello?

Hello?

We don't want to hurt you, we just want to talk.

what do Engulfers like to talk about?

Well, I'm sure I don't know.

What A levels did you do?

I did Maths and Further Maths. It was such a mare.

I can't believe I just said that. You don't do A levels.

You're a tube of energy. Um...

What sort of bands do you like?

How old are you? I'm 19.

It's not easy being 19.

People think you're one thing, but really you're something else.

Do you know how that feels?

It can see us.

(ALARM BLARING)

Pulse weapons primed, Commander.

York, wait.

Hello.

Hello.

- Hello. - Hello.

HENDERSON: She's talking to them.

No one's ever done that before. I was wrong, York.

Maybe I've been wrong about a lot of things.

Maybe it takes one brave, foolhardy girl to show...

Oh, and it's eaten them. York!

(SIGHS)

That's a shame, because I had a good bit about how

she was the student, but we were the ones who had a lesson to learn.

- A crowning irony, Commander. - Yeah. Yeah, it would have been.

Reigal University, this is HMS Camden Lock requesting docking.

Request granted.

"Thus we can see that the Leeds Crater became a celebrity landfill

"and a man-pansy sanctuary." That should get her off to a good start.

- C+. - That's not a C+. How rude to say.

Hello. Hey.

It's over between us.

- What? - Don't pretend you don't know.

- See you, then. - Excuse me. Aren't you forgetting

to say something to the Commander? "Thank you for saving my life."

- Something of that sort. - Hey, it... Teal.

- Ta. - Oh, that's just rude.

We've seen a lot of crazy aliens on our travels,

but maybe young people are the weirdest aliens of them all.

Brown Sea Mollusc Men, they're quite odd.

Yeah, the Flaming Jockeys of Tatara, they're very weird.

The suicide trout of Tantalus B, they're quite peculiar.

- I'm making a point. - What about the speaking toes of...