Original subtitles

(HEAVY BREATHING)

JEFFERS: Approaching the object

(SIGHING) Listen to him.

(HEAVY BREATHING)

Jeffers, the pod is oxygenated, you don't have to do that.

-JEFFERS: Please don't spoil it -All right.

Extending grappling arm.

(IMITATING ELECTRONIC BEEPING)

what is that thing, York?

Broken exhaust casing? Discarded fuel cell maybe?

What if it was a marker put down by an ancient civilization,

revealing a message encrypted in the position of the stars themselves?

Or, if you will, Mr York, a star code.

Ah, still reading that cheap spaceport trash I see.

JEFFERS: Retrieval complete, returning to bay 6.

Hey, carefully, Jeffers, mind the arm... Mind the arm on the...

helix.

Don't touch it, Commander.

Its origin is still unsourced and you're far too important to the ship.

Vine, touch it.

Go on, get in. Go on. Get in there.

(WHOOSHING)

It's emitting a pulse.

Two, three, five, seven,

eleven, thirteen,

and back to two again.

- A totally random pattern. - They are all prime numbers.

Well, I mean, unless you're counting the really obvious pattern.

Look, if it can transmit, then maybe it can receive.

Send it the next number in the sequence, number 15.

- Commander... - Commencify my ruling, please.

Erm, five times three...

- Oh, sorry. 16. - 17.

- Why though? - 17.

- Just... Number 17. - That's the one, Commander.

(BEEPING)

Oh! Oh, yes. It's ancient Jandarian. Oh, I did this at school!

"What's the point of doing a dead language, Teal?"

Well, this is the point, isn't it?

I'm just talking to the trendy set. That is one in the eye for them.

Concentrate, will you? And tell me what it says.

Oh, sorry, sorry. Erm...

"We are entombed. Danger surrounds us.

"A great one shall free us and...

"And he shall live forever in our chronicles."

A calling from the ancients.

VINE: It's sent a map to my console.

It wants us to go to a small moon 34 light years away.

Hey, that's practically right round the corner.

What do you think, huh? It's something a bit different for a Tuesday.

A hero trap. A classic hero trap.

(CHUCKLING) I'm no hero, Mr York,

although the thousands I've saved may disagree.

Exactly. What's a hero trap?

Hey, Sandstrom, get us to that moon.

- We're coming, Ancient One. - What is a hero trap?

It's what we're not hurtling blindly towards, apparently.

York, Teal, shuttle bay 3.

- Commander. Commander. - Yeah?

- Who's in charge when you're away? - well...

Jeffers is the next most senior officer, so I guess Jeffers.

I want to do it. I never do it.

And I touched the cone.

Yeah, you did touch the cone, and you touched it very nicely.

All right. All right, I'll give you a chance.

- I'll go and tell Jeffers. - It's okay. I'll do it.

(SIGHING) Taking responsibility, Dave. I like that very much.

Ciao.

TEAL: Plenty of different species from several different worlds.

Ooh, hello. Wisteria. Used to grow that.

Never used to thrive because of the chalky soil.

And I'm muttering now 'cause I'm concerned I'm about to die.

Easy, Commander.

I see it. No guardian monsters or anything...

- There may be tripwires, Commander. - Yeah. Ooh, ooh. Yeah.

No, there isn't.

It's funny, I thought it'd be harder than this.

Okay, okay.

Okay, I put this on the top,

and the Ancient Ones shall be free.

Commander, what is a hero trap?

(GROANS) Banging on about... Look, a hero trap...

It's not this, all right? It's when a...

A commander finds a map, or a signal,

with the promise of treasure or glory, and it's a set-up.

Pooh.

And there are some bad, bad people there who do some

ransoming and some torturing, and usually a lot of cutting.

(GROANS)

But it's very rare. Don't have nightmares.

All right? Okay.

Okay, I put this on and the Ancient Ones

shall be

free!

TEAL: Phew!

Maybe it's not on right.

Oh, can we go back? Commander, will you carry me? I'm tired.

I don't want to carry you. I thought it might be a...

Oh, they're free after thousands of millennia!

Oh! Oh, Commander, I can't move my legs.

That's their way of saying,

"Oh, you're nice. why don't you hang around for a bit?"

Commander, I think I should point out that my weapon is being atomized

into some sort of shimmering golden dust.

It's because they believe in peace.

Oh, York, it's so beautiful.

Listen, they're laughing, they're happy.

(VOICES CACKLING)

It's turning into a bit of a mocking laugh, Commander.

Yes, yes, it is. It is really

very, very bad. I'm... I'm sorry.

(TRUMPET BLASTING)

Silence!

They were silent, Father.

Well, that's good, then.

- Queppuians. - Supreme Ruler,

a pleasure to meet you again. And Levya.

Sweet, sweet Levya.

Advanced technology, space travel, what's happened to you?

Aha! Are you saying you marvel at our technology?

- I wouldn't say marvel... - He marveled!

I think everyone saw him marvel there.

Put him on the marvel chart as a grade two marvel.

- Do you think it's worth a chart... - I grade the marvels!

Some other aliens came, just after your visit,

kind aliens.

They said, "We will share our science with you."

And all they asked for in return was half my population

to grind up in their mandibles

and feed to their larval young.

You see, different cultures can get along.

Hey, Jeffers, how's your chair?

You got a lumbar support?

I have.

(COMPUTER BEEPING)

Erm... Sir, sir. Mr Vine, sir.

Sorry to interrupt, sir, but there's 20 ships outside.

Attention. You are surrounded by the Royal Fleet of Queppu.

Any movement will result in your annihilation.

Now, what fate awaits you?

We have many new inventions on Queppu,

cold fusion,

an apron that makes it look like you have the bits of a naked lady,

but the most popular is the thing you call

telescreen-o-vision.

And you will be the stars of our latest program me.

Its name is Deathgame!

(ALL CHANTING) Deathgame, Deathgame, Deathgame!

There are a thousand cameras in this forest.

Every day they shall watch you do battles

against ever more dangerous foes,

until you die.

And every night,

they shall watch you bicker while you cook your meal.

I know what you're thinking. "It's got everything!"

And I will co-host a lively discussion program me

called Deathgame Chatbox.

You will marvel at our brand extensions!

Now, let the game begin.

As I believe they say on your world,

"Revenge is a dish best served on a bed of rice."

Cold. Best served cold.

I'll decide how revenge is best served around here!

And it's rice!

(RUMBLING)

ANNOUNCER: Broadcasting live from the forest moon of Granchal Mosby.

It's Deathgame!

All right, they're not gonna try and kill us on the first night, right?

No, to be honest, I'm hoping for a little hamper

and maybe a Mexican theme night. Could be fun.

They may make us wallow in a hot bubbly tub together.

Oh, that's okay.

ANNOUNCER: So, here's the first assassin,

the bare-knuckle fighting champion of the Queppu army,

Sergeant Destruction!

(ROARING)

(GROWLING)

We need some ideas, quick.

I'll tell you what, violence is often down to poor nutrition

so if we could just find a way to give him a course of omega-3 tablets...

Leave this to me.

Whoa!

Yeah, yeah, sure, you're a big guy,

but ask yourself this, are you as fast as...

Ha! Get back! why are you here, Sergeant?

Did they put you away for a crime you didn't commit?

Huh? Take away your wife? Your child?

Took everything from you till all you could do to ease the pain was fight?

Huh?

It doesn't have to be like this, I can help you. What do you say?

Ta-da!

Oh, York. I am not loving that.

I was just gonna turn him, he was gonna be our gentle giant buddy,

the ogre with a heart of gold.

Oh, well, excuse me for saving your miserable, ungrateful life.

I don't know why I bother.

Right, I'm gonna find whatever this planet's version of a squirrel is

and kick it to death!

You can be very insensitive at times, Mr York.

You've upset him now, Commander.

JEFFERS: Well, what are we gonna do, Vine?

They could die at any minute, do you understand that?

So could we.

And now everyone here is looking to you for the answer.

I've got it! I've got a plan.

What?

We're gonna take an ocular-based

overview of the current crisis situation.

We're gonna watch telly?

Yeah. We're gonna watch them till we think of something.

Now, listen up, everybody. I'm not saying it's gonna be easy,

there's gonna be a lot of eye strain, a lot of stiff necks,

a lot of raised blood pressure through eating too many crisps,

but we're gonna do it for them. Now, who's with me?

- ALL: Yes! - Come on.

Vine, this is not a solution, this is just...

(ALL SHUSHING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Fine.

(PLAYING HARMONICA)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)

(ACCOMPANYING ON HARMONICA)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(MUSIC STOPS)

(HENDERSON SIGHS)

I had an idea for a telly show once. A kids' show.

Dino-Wizards.

They're dinosaurs, right, fine.

Here's the twist, they're also wizards.

(CHUCKLING) It's good, innit?

Never been done, never been done. Wrote a theme tune if you wanna hear it?

Right, let me try, see if I remember it.

♪ Di... ♪ No, too high for me.

(PLAYS AND SINGS LOWER NOTES)

♪ Dino-Wizards working hard at Dino-School

♪ Dino-Wizards prehistoric's magic school

♪ Whoa! Whoa!

♪ Watch out, guys, here comes Tyrannosaurus Hex ♪

(ROARING)

- How's the meal coming along, Teal? - Obviously, it's gonna be awful.

I couldn't find any wild garlic. There was fennel and thyme,

but does that go with rat? I don't know.

There were no cookbooks. Actually, this is inhumane!

I ..

(SIGHS)

(SNIFFLING)

YORK: Well, death did not come today, but it sent a card.

And when that card arrives, tomorrow,

the day after,

that card will read,

(SINGING IN MONOTONE) "Happy Death Day to you

"Happy Death Day to you Happy Death Day, happy Death Day

"Happy Death Day

"to you."

(SIGHING) I've been... I've been thinking about how we...

How we got here.

I've always gotta be the bloody hero, haven't 17

Well, when we get off this hunk of stinking moss,

I'm gonna start doing things a little bit differently.

I'm gonna listen to you two a lot more.

- Really? - Yes.

Well, not so much you.

If you two said different things, I would probably have to go with York

'cause he does outrank you.

Oh, I'm sorry, that's your rat.

It's gone in the fire, so you can't eat that at all.

(CHUCKLES) Never mind.

who needs food when you got music?

(CLEARS THROAT) Two, three, four.

(PLAYING HARMONICA)

(HENDERSON HUMMING ALONG WITH HIMSELF)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Welcome back.

You've been busy on the textualized messages.

Worris Quaife writes, "Loving the show.

"It's certainly taking my mind off the appalling poverty

"and vicious repression here on Queppu.”

Glad to hear it, Worris.

Have him killed. Now, where are you, Levya?

I'm down at the perimeter wall talking to one of the guards.

Hi. What are you doing?

I'm guarding the perimeter wall.

(GIGGLES) Ooh. Back to you, Father.

You will marvel at what we have coming up later.

Henderson cuts his thumb.

(CROWD GASPS)

And is that a tear in York's eye

or just sweat like he said?

Let's ask a behavioral psychologist.

You, speak.

(CAMERA WHIRRING)

Destroy...

(WHIMPERING)

- Morning, Teal. - Morning.

Commander, wake up.

(GROANING)

What are you doing?

Are you all right, Teal?

Fine, I'm just a bit peaky.

You look absolutely awful. I mean, really bad. It's like...

Well, the worst I've ever seen you. York, doesn't she look bad?

- Not good. - Could we...

We've established I do not look pretty.

- What are you doing? - Poking you, Commander.

- Why? - To enrage you.

To survive another day in this arena, we will need anger.

Alright, it's... It's a bit early, yeah.

Now, Commander, anger is your ally. Anger is your friend.

When you go on holiday, anger waters your begonias.

If it breaks a vase, it buys you two in return.

Anger will be your savior.

All right, I get it, all right?

Don't.

Don't.

Don't! Don't...

Don't!

And don't do that, either.

- Don't do what? - That.

(IMITATING YORK) Oh, that's what I wanted to see.

Don't do it.

I had no intention.

Nevertheless, it came to pass.

Right, that is it.

I've had it. Okay. Are you satisfied? Are you?

You've reduced a good man to this.

Go on, get off me! Get off!

(GRUNTING)

Well, you've had your violence, maybe you want some smut as well, do you?

well, here it is.

Do you want some more, you dirty perverts!

Do you like that?

I never think I'm going to enjoy this kind of show,

but then the characters really draw me in.

ANNOUNCER: And now, not one, but two assassins

to wreak justice upon the humans.

The Queppu Secret Service's most lethal agents,

Tweedle Doom and Tweedle Die!

What power can stop them?

York! It's always when I'm just getting through to them, isn't it?

They were gonna be our plucky little pals,

the chirpy one and the silent one.

Oh, we'll use their skulls to gather water.

They will help us in their own little way.

(SIGHS)

I'm trying to build a gang here.

- Commander. - What?

The woman.

- Hey. - Oh.

- You all right? - Yeah.

Is there anything you wanna... Anything you wanna tell me?

No.

No. All right, listen.

Do you know the emergency painkillers we keep in the away medi-kit?

Oh, happy pills.

The decloro-hepto-tepto-peptin.

I know absolutely nothing about those.

Sure, sure. Have a little walk. Come on, walk with me for a second.

- Watch the... You all right? - Log!

Sometimes, on a strange new world,

an officer gets a bit stressed.

Sometimes that officer grabs for the purple gigglers.

Do you... Do you know what I'm saying?

I have absolutely no idea what you mean at all.

I know nothing of what you say.

(CLEARS THROAT) Show me the box.

All the pills are in it.

Show me the box.

I don't think I need to show you the box.

- Show me the box! - I've eaten them all.

(GROANS)

Teal, you're gonna get bad withdrawal now for a couple of days,

and that is because you're a skanky pill-head.

It's tough love.

He smiles.

You two have the happy pills and that's why you and Mr York are okay.

Give me the pills.

- Teal, we don't have any pills. - Give me the pills!

Give me the pills! I just want to...

Chloe, you are an officer on board the HMS Camden Lock.

Now, pull yourself together, lass!

A bally shambles.

I'm sorry.

- All right. All right. - I've been a fool.

Yes, you have, but we'll get you through this, woman.

We'll get you through it.

Hey, hey. Oil Get off, I've got no pills!

YORK: Commander!

(LAUGHING)

It's Vine. The sparkling sideburns of hope.

We haven't got long, Commander.

Jeffers patched through the transmission, but it won't hold.

- Okay. What do we do? - Right, let's see.

Teal Teal's gotta lighten up.

Everyone's calling her the bitch of the camp.

No, I mean, what do we do to get out of here?

We tried really hard, but couldn't think of anything,

so we thought we'd let you know how you're coming across.

They're saying you're two-faced and you're playing up to the cameras.

I am not, I...

I like York, he is hot

Oh, yeah, York, you've arrived. Huge gay following.

Look, if we don't get off this planet, Mr Vine,

we are gonna die, have you got that?

Are you sure it's not me that's got the gay following?

I thought, well, the bear thing, you know, it might...

Contestants, you have breached the rules.

You have spoken with the outside.

I tire of your rules, red prune.

You and me, right here, no weapons. Let's have it.

You will marvel at how I don't rise to that one.

Now, what punishment shall I choose?

- (SCOFFS) Do your worst. - I will, then.

- Go on, then. - I shall.

Why did you say that, Commander?

I'm feeling a bit...

It's just a phrase, innit?

ANNOUNCER: Our next assassin is a hideous part-mechanoid mutant,

and Queppu's most dangerous creature.

Only a mother could love Gunface!

(ROARING)

- HENDERSON: It's okay. - Well, it's not okay, is it?

Because I'm going to die, and when my corpse gets carried out,

it's gonna get booed, and I don't want my corpse to get booed.

- I'm gonna turn him. - You're a lunatic.

A lunatic, or just a madman? Hey!

Can't be easy growing up with a gun for a face.

Get teased by the other kids, huh?

♪ Gunface, Gunface Kiss the girls and make them die

♪ When the kids came out to play...

♪ Gunface blew their legs off... ♪

(ROARS)

Hey. Hey, Gunface.

See, it doesn't have to be like this any more, all right?

Look,

by the standards of British blokes, you're not that bad-looking, okay?

Help me, all right?

And then on a Friday night, you and me can go to Starbase 7 to Caesar's.

It's full of divorcees. You can't move for the haze of oestrogen.

You will find love.

And if not love, then deffo a handy.

(GUNFACE SIGHS)

Oh, Gunface. Sweet, sweet Gunface.

No. York. No. No.

(SIGHING) Hey.

You think you could put a hole in that wall?

Yeah, let's do it. Let's go.

I am not the bitch of the camp.

Okay? So, I'm going to stay here,

and then they'll get to know the real me.

- And then they'll like me, okay? - Okay.

(RUMBLING)

Father, they've breached the perimeter wall. We must evacuate.

And renege on our commitment to quality broadcasting? Never.

Let's have another text.

"You're not very good at this telescreen-o-vision thing

"if your contestants escape within three days."

That's from Tarriu.

Well, Tarriu, it's an unpredictable format,

and that's why it works. That's why you marvel.

(RUMBLING)

- Father, it's over. - You're right. To the fleeing tubes!

HENDERSON: Oh, I don't think so.

I was just being myself. what is wrong with that?

At least I didn't have a game plan like the other two.

Gunface, round up the guards, yeah? And take Teal. Get Teal out of here.

Just like me.

(WHIMPERING)

Are we on? Yeah? Brilliant.

1, Michael Mike Lucky Jack Hendo Henderson,

am placing you under arrest.

Arrested.

Sorry.

- Here? - YORK: Left a bit, left a bit...

- On there? - Yes, good.

Okay.

(CLEARS THROAT) People of Queppu,

telescreen-o-vision doesn't have to be about humiliation

and cheap voyeurism.

You can have quality programming. Dramas, documentaries,

dinosaurs who are also wizards.

(ROARS)

Never been done before.

- Commander, you've won. - What... What do you mean?

- All this was for you. - Hmm?

My father is old.

Soon I will need someone to rule by my side.

Beware her Siren words, Commander.

Shush, you.

I thought you said you were going to be listening to us a bit more.

Yes, I said, "When we get off this hunk of stinking moss."

He did, it's in his Best Bits.

Carry on, for all the good it will do you.

We had to test you. But you have proven more than worthy.

Be our new Supreme Ruler.

I know your seed is mighty.

The people will marvel at you,

as I marvel at you,

Michael.

Oh, yeah? You really marvel? 'Cause, I mean, I marvel at you...

Come, Father.

To the fleeing tubes.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(GRUNTING)

(LAUGHING AWKWARDLY)

Oh, crap.

I know you, you're off the telly.

All right, you've been banging on about it for two days. Enough.

You're much smaller in real life.

- Enough! - TEAL: Hello.

Afternoon to you.

- Hmm. - Teal.

- Are you back on the happy pills? - (SING-SONGY) No.

Right, counselor-bot for you in the morning.

It actually moved.

You're off your head. You can't work like that. Go home.

(TEAL SINGING)

Go to bed, Teal.

Hey... Not...

Not there, you big lunatic.

You'll never move her now. Get the forklift from the docking bay.

- YORK: Ah, Commander. - Hey.

Before we Commencify the next mission, could we make a small detour?

- Why? - It's just that I've received a request

to attend the opening of a new gentlemen's establishment,

a disco-cum-sauna-cum-bathhouse called Spurt.

(SNIGGERS)

They want us both to go?

No, I don't believe you were mentioned.

Well, it's clearly a distraction from our current objective, so...

- So, no, all right? - Oh, dear, it's very unattractive.

- What? - Jealousy.

- I'm not jealous. - If ind it deadens the eyes.

- My eyes aren't dead. - Look at me a second.

Oh, dear, absolutely nothing.