Original subtitles

TEAL: Galling all frequencies, calling all frequencies.

Come to Britain, home of Stonehenge and the Ben Nevis escalator.

Come to Britain.

Britain. Now once again including Wales.

Stop and pick up a digi-leaflet, or not.

Oh, come to Britain.

See an actual cow.

Drive on a real British A-road.

- All right? - Hi.

0i! Look lively.

'Cause we have got a new mission. We are in...

The Green Javelins.

Oh! That is both amazing and wonderful! And what are the Green Javelins?

The pride of Britain.

The best spaceobatics team in the known universe.

...have been at the forefront of spaceobatic displays.

Bit of a boys' thing then, but well done you.

How did we get that, then?

Well, sadly they

lost a ship with all hands.

A terrible waste of precious human life and so,

we will get their Green Javelins neck scarf.

ALL: Yay!

Hey! Hey, York!

Hey! York! We only got ourselves in the blooming Green Javelins.

How about some responsible enjoyment of alcohol, York?

How about you and me go out and get totally responsibled, eh?

York?

Oh, hello, Commander. Yes, I was just...

(BANGING)

Mmm. Is it another monkey's head on a kettle?

Oh, I take it you're referring to the intelli-kettle.

Ah, yes. An early triumph.

(WATER TRICKLING)

Use the bucket. Hmm?

Look, listen, hey. The Green Javelins, Mr York, is a very important job.

I happen to think...

(BANGING)

Creation is God's work alone, all right?

- Let me have a look. - Not now, Commander, I'm very busy.

YORK: That's a table, not a biscuit!

- A balloon... - Sit down!

Better know what you're doing 'cause if I drop this...

I'm gonna do it, you know.

You drop the pipe on my knee, workplace accident, big settlement,

and I get my pub in Thames Gateway.

Break your own leg.

I've tried! I can't! Now, just hurry up and get on with it.

And if I say stop, don't listen to me. Just carry on.

All right.

Three,

two, one.

No, no, no, no! No, don't do it. Stop.

Okay. Yeah. Okay, right.

What are you doing? No, no, no, it's gonna really hurt!

it’ll snap like a stick. Three, two...

{(IN SLOW MOTION) No!

Sorry.

(MUMBLING) Pin gone through my tongue.

Do you want to have another go, 'cause I'm up for it now?

Is it getting dark in here?

How do you get it so tight?

Hey. Look, we got the details through.

Rendezvous point 602. Report to squadron leader Jeremy Mason.

- Off you pop. - Stop it, Commander, turn it off.

- We can't go. - why not?

I don't want to talk about it.

I was 17. Jeremy was 18.

We met at a summer camp for young agnostics.

- I see. - I thought he was arrogant.

- He thought I was naive. - Mmm.

- And overbearing. And bordering plain. - Mmm.

- Then something happened. - I understand.

- One night he took me to the dunes. - 1 see.

He plucked my flower from its delicate vase.

- And as his maleness... - No. No.

Sorry, Commander.

He broke my heart and I can never see him again and I know you won't make me.

Look, look.

(IMITATING ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)

- Means I'm not the Commander any more. - 1 see.

- I'm your friend. I'm Mike. - No. I know what you're doing.

Look, we had quite a tough time last year.

Yeah, we failed the tests.

Oh, and we went on the run and we got caught after eight and a half minutes.

And we're only in Space Force now 'cause you asked my dad to have a word. Yes.

- I'm now the Commander again, all right? - I'm sorry...

This is my big comeback gig.

Look at me, I'm not letting you blow it for me,

so get over him. And that is an order.

And take that to Sandstrom, that's another one.

- Go on. Clip-clop off. - Beast.

Hey!

Men will blind themselves with soup spoons when they see you.

Next to you, perfection is a pockmarked harlot.

STRANGE ACCENT: Oh, all right.

Now it's time to see if you are ready to be me.

- Name. - Eduardo York.

Rank.

First Officer.

- Duties. - Half punched a snail.

Never mind that now. You are ready.

Go forth. Join the crew.

Blend in.

Cough.

Left.

Right.

Left.

Right.

Left.

Left.

Left.

Left.

Right.

Left. Right.

Left, right. More eggs. Left, right.

Say it again, Henderson. Say it so I know you understand.

I won't screw this up like I screwed up everything else I've ever done.

Good. You're not there to make pretty shapes in the sky.

You're there so I can sell British ships.

My neck is on the line. My arse is on the line.

I'm actually twisted round so my neck and my arse are both on the line

at the same time. And it hurts, Henderson.

Look, Space Marshal, can I just say in my defense,

- I would like... - No.

Well, that's jolly rude.

What treatment do you require?

Make me look stunning.

“Stunning " will cost 1,600 credits.

What can you do for 1507

Quite nice?

I'd like to look quite nice, please.

Insert head.

MAN: Been on holiday this year? TEAL: Not really, no.

Mmm. Quite nice.

Ooh, it's coming in. Do that up. Yeah.

- You all right? - Lands.

- Henderson. - Squadron Lead.

Right, listen up, you men. From now on, you're all "Javs".

You're the best of the elite of the cream.

But don't think that makes you special.

If you want to get on with me, you'll do everything I say, when I say.

But I don't like yes-men, men.

- Introduce me. - Officer Vine.

And this is Mr Jeffers.

- All right? - This is Sandstrom, our Enhanced.

- Sandstrom? - Hello, prestigious man.

And my First Officer, Mr York.

(MUMBLING) I'm only three days old.

Ah, this is McCluskey, my Enhanced. He can exchange data with yours.

Aah!

She's always like that when she meets another one.

Hey, I'm not replacing you, it's all right.

Oh, for goodness sake, Henderson. Look!

If you can't exchange data nicely, you won't exchange data at all.

I am so sorry. Sandstrom, come to heel.

(GROWLS)

Stop it.

Display's on Saturday. First rehearsal tomorrow, 6:00 am.

6:00? That's like a lie-in for me.

My goodness, a visitor. How charming.

- Chloe! - Hmm? Sorry, have we met?

It's Jeremy. Delicate flower, Jeremy.

- What? - Jeremy from the dune.

(GIGGLING) Sorry, it's just that I have so many loves, so many passions.

To be honest, I lead the life of an international film star, so...

Oh, Chloe. I have so much to tell you.

(WHIMPERING)

Come to dinner on my ship tonight.

Oh, well, I'm such an independent woman and a free spirit and a survivor,

I doubt very much I have time. Let's see.

(VOICE QUIVERING) Monday, Tuesday...

Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, social whirl.

So, another time perhaps.

Farewell and bon viveur.

All right, you'll like this one. It's called the Dagenham Roll.

Three groups of three ships converging,

much like Chequers Lane, Ripple Road and Heathway converge

in the Dagenham itself...

Oh, she doesn't want to see me, Henderson.

God, how do you do it?

How do you live and work in this ship and not be driven insane by her beauty?

- I muddle through. - Perhaps it's your background.

You weren't brought up to recognise beauty.

For your sort, love is mere animal rutting. I almost envy you.

- Here's another one. I call it the... - I can't do it!

I can't be this close to Chloe and yet so far away.

You can't be in the Green Javelins, I'm sorry.

what? Hey, why? Hang on, she really likes you.

- She does? - Yeah.

- She said? - Yeah.

- To who? - Me.

- When? - Earlier, we were chatting.

- Where? - At the omelet bar.

- You were? - Yes.

- What did she say? - She said she wants to see you.

- She does? when? - Tonight.

- Tonight? - I mean, if you want...

- I want. - ...I could facilitate such a meet.

- You could? - Yes.

- Hey, leave it to the Hender. - Oh, Henderson, thank you.

Thank you. If there's ever anything I can do in return...

- Dagenham Roll. - No.

(MUTTERING ANXIOUSLY)

Where is he?

- Oh, good. Commander. - Whoa, whoa.

We cannot stay in the Green Javelins.

I'm a balloon full of emotions in a world full of pins, frankly.

- Really? - Yes.

All right, well, you matter more than all this.

- Oh. - we'll quit the Green Javs.

Commander, you're such a good man.

well, yeah. You'd think that, wouldn't you?

Commander, this is a shuttle craft!

There's been a bit of a change of plan, all right?

You're just popping over for dinner with Jeremy.

No, no, no, Commander.

Listen, it's all on automatic, just sit back and enjoy the ride.

Commander, no. Absolutely not.

Teal, there is a nice dress and some perfume under one of the seats.

- Oh, yes? No! - I will make this up to you, I promise.

Let me out, please.

- There are some sheaths... - Sheaths!

...in the away medi-kit, but you are under no pressure there.

Absolutely not, let me off!

(BANGS)

You're trying to smash the door in with an extinguisher.

- Yes, I am. Let me off now. - Which is fine.

I will overlook it just this once.

Try and have fun, yeah? See you in the morning.

Let me out of here.

Commander, why am I moving?

There are so many sheaths! How many does one...

I can spare an hour. No more.

So many suitors. And I hope the food's exquisite because... Where were you?

I waited for you all day, but you never came.

And the locals were laughing at me.

And they've all got three mouths, so that's a lot of laughing.

It was the greatest mistake of my life.

Why did I run off with that other girl?

She was more popular than you, she didn't correct everything I said.

But why?

Look, I know I can never hope to win you back.

No.

But I want to cook you the meal I would have cooked you that night.

- Oh, please do. - I will.

(BOTH SIGHING)

- This way. - Oh.

York.

She won't mind, will she? She'll be all right.

Oh, I'm going potholing now.

- What are you talking about? - Oh, it's a parrot's winkle.

(YORK MUTTERING)

York?

(BEEPING)

Oh. Keep the change.

Oi, are you all right?

I'm gonna count the skeleton.

Commander?

You notice anything the same about me?

Do you not think I'm exactly as I was a moment ago?

Identical nose. Chin matches chin.

What is going on?

Something wonderful.

Oh, goodie.

Haven't had giant-baked-bean on toast in 15 years.

- The taste of youth. - Yes.

You've had a glittering career since then.

What, these? These mean nothing to me.

This one meant nothing to me six years running.

It's been a lonely life without you, Chloe.

But surely you have your agnosticism. That helps me in hard times.

I lost my agnosticism.

Oh, but, Jeremy, if you don't have the belief

that there may or may not be a God, what do you have?

Help me find it again, Chloe. Sing for me.

- Sing one of those old agnostic hymns. - Oh, I couldn't.

♪ I have a vague feeling inside of me

♪ A hazy spirituality

♪ It fills me half-way but not to the top

♪ Empirical reasoning

♪ Makes it stop

♪ But not quite ♪

What is that?

Hello, sailor.

It's a replica-me.

Created from cells shed from my own body.

Scabs, toenails, hairs, certain other emissions.

- Emissions? - Emissions.

And when I had collected my own body weight...

- In emissions? - In emissions.

Then I was ready to fashion this work of genius.

- Hey, don't eat your fingers. - Oh, no.

Think of the implications for shipboard discipline, Commander.

Soon there will be four Yorks. Then 10 Yorks.

And then a York for every single person on this ship.

That is a lot of emissions, York.

Absolutely not. It is a freak and it is going in the bin.

- No disrespect to you. - That's all right, fatty.

Why would you teach it that? You could teach it anything you want.

♪ Run to the streets

♪ Tell everyone He might have made the trees

♪ He may have made the sun

♪ Oh, thank you if you're there

♪ If you're not, we shan't despair ♪

- Kiss me. - Don't stop singing.

♪ Run to the streets

♪ Tell everyone He might have made the trees

♪ He might have made the sun ♪

JEREMY: And into Chelsea Smile... Go!

Oh, come on. We need it tighter on the day.

Pull up 20, reheat engine four.

You won't get much sense out of Chloe today, Henderson.

She didn't get much sleep.

Jeremy, don't!

They don't want to know what we got up to last night six times!

Seven-two split, ready for crossover.

And that. Yup.

(GIGGLES)

Smoke on.

what did you do six times?

Teal, no. Teal, get... Teal!

You've aroused her now.

Henderson! Call that a crossover?

Sorry, I got a horny pilot.

(SQUEALING)

- Teal? - I don't like it.

Think of the pub. Serving pints on Sunday afternoon.

- Don't do it! - Whoa! You are having a laugh.

- Right, you little bugger. For that... - No!

No!

Those officers no fight like hens in a coop.

Now you know what I must do.

Show you the angry leg.

Furious.

Now we join the friend game with names.

You are Binky, you are Mrs Binky,

and I am number 17.

Now, we'll do the friendship salute.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

(BEEPING)

- Hello. - Hello there.

- Let's go boating, Chloe. - Oh, you're full of surprises.

Here, let me.

- In you go. - Thank you.

Careful on the...

COMPUTER: Select voyage. Venice, Yukon or Lee Valley.

- Oh, Lee Valley. - Oh, Lee Valley.

We said the same thing.

Ooh!

- Stroke. - Yes.

- Oil Posh-o! - Who are they?

Oh, I don't know why they put these things in.

- You gonna give her one, then? - Go away!

Or I'll thrash you!

- Oh, such discipline. - That's right.

This is lovely.

it’ll be like this every day when you transfer to my ship.

- Transfer? - I have to be close to you, Chloe.

I know.

But we're in the Green Javelins, so I can pop over whenever I like.

Oh, Henderson's not staying in the Javs.

He's a hairy old ranker. He's just filling for one show.

There's a proper ship on its way with a proper commander.

Yes, a proper... I can't leave the Commander.

- I mean, I am his rock. - You have to.

You're asking me to break myself in two.

I am a woman, not a cheese straw.

It cannot be. You have shamed me.

You don't deserve to wear that visage.

I don't deserve to wear that visage.

There is an organic-matter compactor on level 8.

You will climb in and recycle yourself.

I never wish to see you again.

Blue?

Be gone.

(SIGHING)

That's sad.

Dad.

(GROANING)

Sad.

Jeremy...

Tell me... Tell me you'll leave him and come to me.

I can't.

Right. well...

You leave me no option but to drown myself.

Damn these realistic simulations.

Grab us a fish, mate.

Delete teen problem.

Get off my boat!

- Jeremy... - Go!

- Can I just get... - Not the brie. Go!

Oh, Jeremy.

(MUTTERING) Sad...

I'm very sad.

Chloe!

(SNORING)

It was a perfect Dagenham Roll.

ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the 22nd Space Show of Moonbase Theater.

The little moon base with the big ideas.

The Green javelins are on their way

but first here's the Utterly Butterly Barnstormers.

It's Amorf Spets, isn't it? Hmm?

- I'm Space Marshal Clarke. - And what are you?

- I'm human. - That's right!

Keira Knightley, Adolf Hitler, human.

My name Amorf Spets. I come see if I want to buy your ships.

Yes, well, you see, the Green Javelins use Wendover class ships.

- The human man, I have question. - Okay.

- My name Amorf Spets. - Good.

How many, how many, how many, how many chin-ups can you do?

I do 73.

JEREMY: All ships, opening positions.

You ready?

Uh-huh? Ready?

I'm a Green Javelin, Mum.

I'm doing this for you, old girl.

Okay, guys, let's do this, yeah? Show speed.

There they are!

- Mr Man? Mr Human Man? - Yeah?

- Tell me, tell me with your human mouth. - Yes?

What is most books you read in one holiday, hmm?

Three.

- My name Amorf Spets. - I know.

I read 94.

And was only mini-break.

JEREMY: Seven-two split, go!

- Ready for crossover. - Cut left auxiliaries on my mark.

Mark.

JEREMY: Chloe, have you changed your mind?

No.

Commander, I think they're coming straight for us.

Em...

Sandstrom, evade, evade.

Why they do that?

That look very wrong.

I have no idea.

Mr York, report.

Heavy impact damage. Propulsion off-line.

- Weapons off-line. - What the hell are you doing, Mason?

I've locked my crew out of the room. No one can stop me!

If I can't have her, nobody can!

May we all die!

You've not had a row, have you?

They've had a row!

If anyone's interested, he's coming back for us.

Goodbye, Chloe!

Fifteen seconds till impact. Fourteen now.

Someone's taken shuttle 3.

It's heading straight for Mason.

Shuttle 3, identify.

Blue?

I do this for you,

Eduardo Pauline York.

Bye.

Bye, son.

Chloe!

Hmm.

Yeah, not bad.

We order 30.

- He tried to kill us. - Yes, he did.

- Mason, did you try to kill them? - No, I didn't.

That's the inquiry done.

- How about a drink at the club? - 7:007?

- How's Jane and the kids? - Wonderful.

It's one of each now, isn't it?

- Wives? - Kids.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

The Space Force Bumper Book of Grief Control

tells us that at times like...

He wasn't like us.

He was made from...

Let's just say he wasn't like us, but there was a heart in there...

(KNOCKING)

FALSE YORK: I'm dead.

(GIGGLES)

...that was full of more courage

- than any heart that has ever beated... - FALSE YORK: Has anyone seen my hand?

And so, as we commit his body to the void,

so the void within us is filled with love.

- FALSE YORK: Awfully boring! - And we shall remember him

and Britain shall remember it... Him.

FALSE YORK: Hello? Room's turning.

BOTH: Amen.

(KNOCKING)

FALSE YORK: Mister, would you like to hear a story?

No, well, all right.

Once upon an eyelid, there lived a mouse flap.

And he said, "I won't shine a torch on the meat."

Or the magnesium pigs.