Original subtitles

COMPUTER: Tell me the color of the letters in this word.

Yes, yes, yes.

You want me to say green but the answer is red. How childish.

Blue.

Listen, you messed up tangle of circuitry, you want to see a test of character?

Put two astronauts on a burning ship

with one escape pod and a bowie knife on the table, then you'll see character.

Pink.

(GROANS)

Arrange the blocks in order of yellowness.

Stage.

Ooh, ooh! I know. Now this reminds me of when I was in the youth orchestra.

Me and my friends, to be honest, were a little bit crazy.

They called us the wacky woodwinds.

- Brilliant. - One word answers please.

Oh, yes. Sorry.

- Sunset. - Despair.

What is the next shape in this sequence?

I got the nail gun.

(GAME BEEPING)

MENACING VOICE: You are entering a private residential area of space.

Avert your course.

Do not trespass. Avert your course.

Avert your course.

Hello. We're not here right now.

We're having some psychological tests to make sure we haven't all gone nutty.

Leave a message and we'll get back to you as soon as we can.

Hang on, let me get this right. If Marianne jumps twice as far as Nat,

but Nat jumps a meter further than Bill,

then Marianne has jumped...

(EXPLOSION)

...four... Oh!

Ah, I see what you're doing.

Test of concentration. Can he think under fire?

Whoa!

Commander! Commander!

- Commander! - Gotta check his score.

- Commander! - You don't think all this is real do you?

It's part of the test! (IMITATING BUZZER) You have failed!

(EXPLOSION)

- Hull breach. Hull breach. - We should go and have a look.

Hull breach. Hull breach.

All right, I mean, we took some damage.

At this end, we're using the term "heavy damage.

It just goes to show how dedicated my crew were to passing your test.

The test they failed.

This is just paper. It's not real life.

Let's have a little review.

"Cadet Harris has manic tendencies."

I mean, so what? She's bloody good at her job.

And Engineer Dobbs has a fantasy where he holes up in a railway shed

and make models of his friends

from his own

waste. I mean,

we've all done it.

We had a bit of a meeting with the Admiral this afternoon.

- Yeah. - Very informal.

Everyone's terribly fond of you, but there was a feeling in the room,

and I don't want to go against the feeling in the room...

- No, of course you don't. - ...that with all the things happening lately...

How old is she? 40/ She doesn't look it

Where was 17

- All the things that have been happening lately. - Yeah.

We're sending a ship. They'll be with you in a week.

They'll give you a category J inspection.

(GASPING)

Category J. No one's ever passed a category ).

- No one's ever passed a... - Oh, there's cake/

Oh, I'm afraid.

Commander.

The valve.

(PLAYING MELANCHOLY MUSIC)

Category.

(CHUCKLING) Category J.

He did say "Category J" didn't he? I mean, he didn't say "Category K" or...

No, he said "J".

They'll inspect every last wire and screw on board this ship

until they find something to fail us on.

- They always do. - But you've got a plan, haven't you?

You've always got a plan. Come on, what is it?

A man mind melds with a sentient black hole and somehow that sorts it all out.

Come on. What is it?

I don't have a plan.

We're gonna be discharged with dish on our.

- Oh, will you please stop! - Don't, don't...

(ACCORDION CONTINUES PLAYING)

It's on auto!

You bloody cheat.

- How often do you do that? - Hardly ever.

A lot.

(BEEPING)

FEMALE VOICE: Vine. Vine.

Vine.

Camden Lock to Eridanus base, stop mucking about. Over.

MALE VOICE: Don't know what you mean, Camden Lock.

FEMALE VOICE: Vine. Vine.

You are the chosen one.

FEMALE VOICE 2: We are coming for you, Vine.

From a distant galaxy.

Of all the humans, you are the spe...

You are...

BOTH: Vine!

You may be resigned to failure. I am not.

It's out of our hands.

Give me control of this ship for one week and the inspection shall be passed.

I refuse to fail.

I can't go back to Earth.

Mother will make me wear...

I refuse! That's all!

Well...

I don't fancy your chances very much, but you... You may have command.

You won't regret it, sir.

I want you to take this.

I carry it with me all the time.

A young cadet gave it to me.

She never made it through the Nebula Wars.

You know when I look at this, it reminds me

that I'm here to serve the crew, never the other way around.

Thank you, Commander.

Waste chute closed.

Okay, yoganauts, let's try cat.

And breathe in.

And into puppy.

It's a stressful time, Mr York. We all need yoga.

Everybody, socks and shoes on.

Teal, put me on every screen and speaker on this goddamn ship.

You're on.

Attention all crew.

This is Mr York speaking.

The Commander is currently indisposed.

The ship is now mine.

I have to tell you that in a week's time we face a category ] inspection.

That's right, I repeat, a category J inspection.

Our margin for error is precisely 0.0.

At times like this,

Commander Henderson would no doubt tell you that he believed in you.

I will not.

I have absolutely no faith whatsoever in any of you.

You are all miserable wretches who have proven your mediocrity to me time and time again

and your only hope of success is to submit utterly to my will.

There will be no more alcohol.

No more fast food. No more thinking.

I am the master.

You are my tools.

I am the Alpha and the Omega.

York out.

(ROOSTER CROWING)

4:20 am. Wake up!

Time to obey! Time to obey me!

Time to obey me without question!

Time to obey me without question but with gratitude!

Time to obey me without question but with gratitude

for having been given orders to obey by me!

And remember, work makes us pure.

Fatigue is the little Dutch girl tempting us with the fatty cheese of rest.

Ignore her cheese. Do not pause to admire her windmills.

I said do not pause to admire her windmills.

Revive him, extend his shift, and then dock his wages and rations accordingly.

I grow weary of this war.

The forces of evil are too great even for me.

And I will not put Robot in any more danger.

(BEEPING)

Captain Helix.

Heroes rise and heroes fall.

But you are a hero to heroes.

Be all you can be.

Robot...

to the mountains of Zarn!

Zarn.

Turn it off. Off!

(GROANING)

(WEEPING)

FEMALE VOICE: Vine!

We are closer, Vine.

FEMALE VOICE 2: Close enough to speak to you with pure thought

who are you?

We are the wise ones, the cosmic lords.

We choose one from each sentient species to join our group-consciousness.

We will show you our power.

Vine. I am you in the past.

I am you in the future.

And I am you if you were wearing a red jumper.

BOTH: Dance, Vine.

Dance with you.

Celebrate our coming!

Er... Jeffers. Jeffers.

Hiya, Jeffers.

- What juices you got? - We got orange juice,

- tomato juice, and special juice. - Special juice.

- Right, how much is that? - Same price as a vodka and orange.

I'll have a special juice, then.

- Good evening. - Mr York.

- Mr York. - Mr Jeffers.

I find myself a little parched.

I wonder if I might have a little sip of your fruit juice?

As I suspected.

All drinks into the waste chute with them.

Piretti! The bottles!

And punishment?

All of you will gather in my quarters in the next five minutes

form a circle and flog each other

in a daisy chain of retribution.

- This is bollocks. - I know.

- You lot should do something. - Yeah, like what?

I dunno. A sit-in. An anti-York sit-in.

- Where? - In the Control Room.

All right. Oi! Jeffers wants a sit-in! In the Control Room!

ALL: Yeah!

- When shall we do it? - Now?

All right, Jeffers wants it now! Come on.

I'm just having a laugh. I'm just...

(CHEERING) Jeffers! Jeffers!

Steady... Steady on, this is just bar talk.

Yoo-hoo!

Commander?

Commander?

- Hey, Teal. - Hello.

I was just a bit worried about you so I've come to gee you up.

I know that you'd gee me up.

So we're a sort of gee-you-up library service to each other as it were.

Bless you, Teal, but...

you know, what am I gonna do?

You take me out of this job, I haven't got any skills.

You can learn new skills.

It would have been nice then if you'd said, "Yeah, you've got skills."

Sorry. Yeah, you've got skills. It's too late, sorry.

Discharge with dish on our.

You know, I won't even get to wear the club tie.

It's got little blue rockets all over it.

- I've always wanted it, you know. - Yeah.

Tell you what you need. You need a little hug. From Miss Teal.

Yeah. Maybe I do.

Just a big hug.

(SIGHING)

There we are. Shh.

- Teal... - Shh. No need to speak. Just rest till morning.

Teal...

please can you take your hand from out of there?

Sorry.

Look...

It's out of the underpants but it... It's still on the...

- Is it? - Yeah.

(SHOUTING)

Vine. We're having a sit-in. You coming?

I would, but I'm the chosen one.

Oh, right.

Yeah, there's these beings and they're immortal

and I'm going to join them and become a guardian of the universe forever.

So all these human worries will seem infinitely small.

- Yeah. - Good luck with it, though.

Cheers.

Come on! Freedom!

For a start you don't have access privileges

and there is a lot of expensive equipment in here. This is the hub of the ship.

What the hell do you think you're doing? Oh, fine.

Make yourselves comfortable! I don't know.

Are we gonna get food?

Enough said. There is never an excuse for juggling.

- Thank you. - PIRETTI: No juggling.

- No. No. This is the navigational... - MAN: Go on.

And who, I wonder, is behind all this?

Jeffers.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Look, I can't be arsed with this any more than you can.

But the little people are angry so I'm gonna help you out.

I'm gonna say, "No floggings and booze on Saturdays," and you say, "Damn you, but yes,"

and I'll do a bit of shouting. Huh?

- Good plan. - Yeah.

And I'm gonna tell you one more time! No floggings and more booze on Saturdays.

what do you say?

I say...

you are all mutinous scum.

But having said that, I go on to say this.

Imagine a ball of iron the size of the sun.

And once a year, a tiny cock sparrow

brushes its surface with the tip of its wing.

And when that ball of iron, the size of the sun, is worn away to nothing,

then your collective punishment will barely have begun.

Oh, the things I will do to you!

Oh, your futile attempts at resistance amuse me.

what? Oh, if I must go, then I must.

Attention. Crew Members are requested not to join the riot on levels 1 to 5.

That's the riot on levels 1 to 5.

(DISTANT SCREAMS AND SHOUTS)

(DOOR OPENS)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

(YORK CLEARING THROAT)

Actually, it might surprise you.

I sometimes watch a bit of Captain Helix myself, you know.

I know.

I like the fourth season best.

They got rid of that stupid robot.

You're so wrong.

Michael...

I've lost the ship.

I know.

Oh, I know I can be a bit old guard sometimes,

but it's for everybody's benefit.

So...

So, why are they all so damned

hard on me?

- Eduardo. - Don't touch me.

The crew despise me.

No, it's true.

They do.

But they like you.

I don't know why,

but they like you.

And that's why you can help me, Commander.

I need you to help me.

Commander,

you're going to get up now,

get out there

and you're going to make it

a little better again.

You're a hero to heroes.

Be all you can be.

That's Helix.

That's me and the ship.

York...

I'm ready.

Give me my watch.

- Is it really that important? - Just find it!

Yes.

Uh, yes.

Enough!

You better get the hell out of my chair right now, boy.

I am not going to ask who started this.

- Jeffers. - It was Jeffers.

- Because I don't need to know... - ALL: Jeffers.

Eeeh!

As of now, it is finished.

Over.

In three days we face a category ] inspection.

We can't pass it.

It's impossible.

Impossible.

You know what?

There was a time when men said that climbing Ben Nevis was impossible.

They said that giving a man a squirrel's heart was impossible.

And look what happened.

You will be the first crew to pass a category I test.

Not because I'm asking you to,

but because you know what it means to be Space Force.

You volunteered.

Well, I mean, some of you did a crime, so it was this or prison,

but, you know, a lot of you,

a large proportion of you,

yeah,

volunteered.

(CHUCKLING) Guys...

I've been on a crazy, freaked-out trip this week, you know,

to a place called despair.

I had a little look around.

I didn't like it.

So I got on a bus and I came back.

But I'm not getting off this bus at hope.

No way.

I'm staying on it all the way to victory.

Why don't you guys come with me, huh?

(CHEERING)

Yeah. Good.

Now, clean it up!

- Good morning, Commander. - Good morning, Inspector.

- I think we'll start in the Engine Room. - Certainly. This way.

(BEEPING)

Excellent.

(SIGHING)

Air ducts, adequate.

FEMALE VOICE 1: Vine. FEMALE VOICE 2: Vine.

- Vine. - Vine.

- We are here. - We are here.

FEMALE VOICE 2: Across four galaxies we have travelled.

FEMALE VOICE 1: It was five, yes.

- I drove for a bit, remember? - Oh, yes.

- Come, Vine. - Come, Vine.

- Come to us. - Come to us.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(BIRDS FLUTTERING)

Now you are ready.

Ah, the chosen one.

(GRUNTING)

I got him, I got him! Get his trousers down!

(WHOOPING)

He's a hairy one! Get the camera, get the camera!

(CACKLING)

Get it on the wall! Get it on the wall!

How many is that now?

Sixty-one million, one hundred and ten thousand arses!

Back you go!

- The chosen one! - (LAUGHING) The chosen one!

You bloody shits!

Ooh! Sense of humor failure.

Ta-ra!

Good.

- How did we do? - I've been doing this five years.

Yours is the smartest ship I've seen in that time. Your crew are a credit to you.

- So, I mean, did we... - Oh, it's a fail.

One uniform infringement.

Thank God I saw that or I don't know what I'd have done.

Goodbye.

What can I say, Henderson? I feel really awful about this.

Probably worse than you, but what can I say?

- Well, you could say, "I'll review my decision.” - That's one of the things I can't say.

-Stewart/ -Dominic! Hi. Grrr.

- And congratulations, Commander! - What?

- You can always change that chair. - Yeah, good.

Why don't you wait for me over there? I won't be a sec.

You'll return to Starbase 3 under fighter escort.

Oh, and the Admiral would like to thank you

because you've made a contribution.

- We made... We made a contribution? - That's right, his own words.

His own words.

Stewart.

- Space Mar... - No, Stewart.

Can you tell the Admiral that starting with the rotating dish at the top,

going down through admin and the hover pad, right the way down to the grand atrium,

he can take his entire Starbase and he can shove it up his fat airlock.

- That's good. - Thank you.

- Come on, Henderson, don't do this. - No, we're not coming in.

- No, we've been friends for ages now, Michael! - Goodbye.

Come on!

My God.

So, what happens now? Are we pirates?

- Will there be hats? - No, we don't get hats.

We go on with the mission.

To protect Britain's interests in an ever-changing galaxy,

even if Britain doesn't quite want us to.

Thank you, Teal. You know, sometimes, to protect the spirit of the law,

a man must...

Oh, I can't believe I did that.

(CHIRPING)

Commander, we've got a signal.

The insectoids of Warris are attacking the British settlers on Regulus Prime.

- British? - Yes.

British settlers.

All right, let's do our job.

- Mr Vine, set a course for Regulus Prime. - Yes, Commander.

Mr York.

Sweet York, if you please?

Commander.

Sandstrom, full power!

(ENGINES REVVING)

Oh, I love it! You.

- VINE: I just thought you should know. - Yeah.

Nine British ships closing on us.

Oh.