Original subtitles

COMPUTER: Attention all crew. It's Stilton fortnight at the canteen.

Get down to the canteen for two weeks of Stilton-based treats.

Today, Stilton burritos.

Tomorrow, hot and sour Stilton.

Crew of the Camden Lock, this is your Commander speaking.

This star system stands on the brink of all-out war.

All because of the asteroid we see before us.

Today we host peace talks between the Lallakkiss and the Bulaahg.

"Bulaah." The "G" is silent.

- "Bulaah." - Not always silent, but...

Two very noble races who I don't want to hear described in any of the following terms,

- chin lords, genderless sky numpties, zobbers... - Zobbers.

- Blue-veined cocks of the void. - Blue...

- What? - Blue-veined cocks of the void.

Blue-veined cocks of the void.

That is all.

So when are the humpty heads getting here, then?

And humpty heads.

Vector 12 by grid mark 3-4-9, stabilizing orbit. Lock down.

Returning to slumberpod.

Commander, do you want to take a quick look at this?

- Have a seat. - Yes, certainly.

- So, I've prepared the agenda. - Mmm-hmm.

It's all color-coded, so it's very simple.

- Good work, Miss Teal. - Thank you.

Sorry.

Can someone help the Enhanced, please?

Anyone? Guys, for future reference, if you see the Enhanced doing that, please help her.

- Good. - Sorry, go on.

- Okay. So, as I say, it's all fairly simple. - Uh-huh.

And then just a little more overleaf.

VINE: Call from Starbase.

-Michael/ -Ah, Stewart!

- Space Marshal. - Sorry.

Space Marshal. Can I just say we are so proud to be doing this one?

- Yes, and if anyone can pull it off, it's you. - Yeah, me and the crew.

- Yes. They do all the real work. - Well, no, not really, but go on.

Just calling to say good luck and the Americans are arriving in two days.

- What? The Americans? - Yes. American mediators.

Sandra, we did tell them about that didn't we? Are you sure we didn't tell you that?

- No, but they will just take over. - No, no, no. They're coming to help you.

Oh, okay, will I be in the room when they help me?

No. Your job, as we see it is to keep everyone chatting till the Americans arrive.

Just put a bright penny in the old waffle meter.

Henderson out.

(MUSIC PLAYING OFF-KEY)

Right key, yeah?

I mean, say we wrapped it up before the Americans arrive,

- what a day that would be for Britain! - And you.

- I'm not thinking about me. - Fortissimo.

I mean, when was the last time a Briton won a Nobel Peace Prize?

- I'm sure the ship's data mosaic would... - Forty-eight years and seven months.

Ready. I'll take the stabilizers off.

- Solo mission. - Really? without...

Yeah, let's do it. Three, four...

(PLAYING OFF-KEY)

Follow me. That's it. Take me to the bridge.

Mighty Lallakkiss, honored Bulaahg, I am Officer Teal, the ship's diplomat.

- This is Commander Henderson, of course. - Hello.

- Can you not do that, please? Thank you. - Hey, hey, hey. Guys, come on.

TEAL: Thank you. Or that!

Door opening.

- Talky door! - Talky door!

- Talky door! - Yes, do you want to come through?

- Door closing. - Talky door.

Talky door.

- Door opening. - Talky door.

- Door closing. - Talky door.

Talky door.

- Door opening. - Talky door.

- Door closing. Door opening. - Talky door! Talky door!

BOTH: Talky door!

- Yeah, yeah. She's a talky door. Come on. - BOTH: Talky door!

- Talky door! - Yes, yes.

- Door closing. - Talky door!

- Talky door. - HENDERSON: Take a seat.

Swingy chair!

Enjoy, enjoy.

Who's, er, hungry? Shall we have a little something?

Snacks. Yeah? Two? Yeah. Good.

Mr Vine, can I have tea and Wagon Wheels for six, please?

Great. So, here's the agenda for the first week of the talks, okay?

There you go. Commander, there you are.

Now, green stands for previous treaties,

mauve stands for mineral rights. Yes, it's very simple.

- Orange stands for... - Oh!

Why don't we just chuck them away? Toss them away. Throw them away.

Get rid of them.

You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna talk. Man to thing to...

thingy.

- Why do you want the asteroid? - For our science.

Ah. Great. Great. What kind of science?

The science your human brain

- could not understand. - BULAAHG 2: Understand.

Why not?

- For reasons you would not understand. - Understand.

On our world, we have a saying, "When the snowflake falls upon the beach.”

They did not understand.

Wagon Wheels.

I think you said "Ricegestives”.

Wagon Wheels.

- I think you said "Oaty Ellipses”. - For God's sake!

Mighty Lallakkiss, why do you want the asteroid?

- Spinny rock got a lot of metal. - Yeah. Metal make pretty jewellery!

This sort of heirloom you will cherish forever.

This is sort of classic piece what'll never go out of style.

That is lovely.

- Door opening. - Talky door.

- Wow! - Hot boy!

- He's so hot! Who he? Who hot boy? - Yeah, who he?

- That's Vine, the ship's navigator. - You come here, hot boy, yeah?

Yeah, you sit on my knee, I'll give you eternity ring.

You my hot boy! You like a steak!

(MOANS)

- Door closing. - HENDERSON: Come on, now.

Look, look. I'm...

We're on the brink of a historic agreement.

You know, we owe it to our future and to our future's future to seize the moment.

what I'm saying is you can both have what you want

if you share the asteroid.

Ah!

Americans arrive in two days?

Americans! Good! We wait for Americans. They know what they're doing.

Yes, we will wait and ignore the British man and the giant woman.

That's it. That's done it for me.

- Weapons room. - Commander?

Hello, mate. Can you prime a one-megaton warhead

and fire it at that asteroid in 30 seconds?

- But, Commander... - Commencify my order, weapons room.

Well. well, well, well.

It seems you have a choice.

You can share the asteroid or lose it forever.

(SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE)

The clock is ticking, people.

Ah!

- We will accept half the asteroid. - Half the asteroid.

Yes! Thank you. Thank you so much.

You won't regret this. What do you say?

BOTH: Er... Nah.

- Ten seconds to launch. - He'll not blow it up anyway. He too scared.

- Oh, am I? Am I really? - Yeah.

7, 6,5,

4, 3

2, 1.

- Fire. - Abort launch, please. Abort the launch!

Ooh.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Crew of the Camden Lock, great news. The Lallakkiss and the Bulaahg

have resolved their differences.

In fact, they've become allies.

On the flip side, sadly, the first act of this new alliance was to declare war on Britain.

Oh, God.

Unprovoked war. Don't be alarmed.

I've informed Starbase,

and no doubt, that as I speak to you all now, a task force is setting off to join us.

Mr Vine, can you tell me when the enemy fleets will arrive?

The death swarms will arrive in 36 hours.

Um...

Can we just call them fleets?

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING OVER SYSTEM)

♪ Kill the humans End their culture

♪ Kill the humans, kill them all ♪

HENDERSON: What is this?

It's the new Lallakkiss battle song. They do a new one for every war.

I just downloaded the MP90.

Listen, your job is to help maintain this ship. Not to destroy morale! Stop bobbing around.

It doesn't even have a proper tune. Turn it off.

It's enemy propaganda, you know. I'm not having it.

You! No sandals under crimson alert. You, shave your arms.

Attention all crew. This is Mr York. This is a crimson alert I repeat, a crimson alert.

(ALARM SOUNDING)

York. York! There's no such thing as crimson alert.

There is now. We're at war. We need to be vigilant. You, be vigilant!

What happens under a crimson alert?

- Floggings to keep order. Lots of floggings. - what for?

Mutiny, suspected mutiny, being afraid, not enjoying your last flogging.

- When are you gonna start all this? - Oh, it's already started.

I flogged a man not 20 minutes ago. Oh, you should have seen his welts.

Each one a rouge caterpillar bursting open to release a butterfly of pain.

York. York, just stop it. Stop it now.

- Go with this, Commander. You'll see the benefits. - No. I'm going on good old-fashioned red alert.

Hi, guys, it's the Commander. Red alert We're on red alert Red alert

- No more floggings. - You never let me do anything, do you?

You've really dropped me in it, Henderson.

My sister's having a dinner party tonight and I won't be there.

- How do you think I feel about that? - (STUTTERING) I've no idea.

The task force. Is it on its way?

There's no need for that The war's off. It took a lot of phone bashing, but we pulled it off.

Thank you. Space Marshal, can I just say had my crew been called on to fight,

- they would have all done their duty. - That's good.

That's good because how we got around it was, and this was Sandra's idea,

it was a bloody good idea, she'll have my job in a few years if I don't look out,

we said you were a rogue commander, acting alone.

- What? So that means... - Yes, yes. They're still coming to get you.

And you?

We're not coming to help you on this occasion. I'm sure you understand.

You can't leave us to die. These are real men and women serving their country. This is not on.

Henderson, can we keep it professional, not get mushy? Thank you.

Anyway, best of luck. Trevor!

HENDERSON: York, scan the sector again. There's no ships that can help us, are there?

No.

- No American ships? - No.

No. Have a think, have a think, have a think.

Sandstrom, absorbify all available data on enemy vessels.

(SQUEALS)

- Okay. So, we can outrun them? - Negativeness.

- But we can outgun them? - Negativeness.

Is there anything, anything we have, that they don't have?

Our hull is 1.2 centimetres thicker. We have a larger range of baguette fillings.

- And? - That is all.

That is all. Right, I mean... Oh, I mean, there must be something, right?

There must be a weakness. Something they've got. Maybe...

Oh, all right. Okay, this could work.

What if the lead ship had, like, a pipe, which led to another pipe, which led to the core reactor?

You get a brave Tommy in there, toss a plasma grenade in,

there's a big explosion, there's a chain reaction, the whole fleet goes down.

Yes. That would work.

We've all seen it, the di-di-ding down the pipe and the...

(IMITATING CHAIN REACTION)

You know, a big... And we win.

Right?

I'm going to my cabin to work on the battle plans. I don't want to be disturbed.

Not even by you, Teal.

- Commander. - Yeah, Vine.

You know how the Lallakkiss took a bit of a shine to me.

Well, I thought if I handed myself over to them, they might just let the ship go.

what an amazing thing to do, Dave.

Right, well, I just want to say that I really, really don't want to do that at all.

HELIX: 7 know, Robot Something very bad happened here.

Guide me, amulet. Help me to find truth and justice,

which combine to form the still stronger force

- of trust ice. - Trustice.

(ROBOT MUMBLING)

- What's that, Robot? - Watch out.

Watch out?

No/

The ray! Run, Robot! Save yourself!

(LALLAKKISS BATTLE SONG PLAYING)

Jeffers.

- Oh, hi. - Off. Off!

This bit's about you.

♪ Henderson die We kill his eyes ♪

Turn it off.

(MUSIC STOPS)

- Is there anything else? - No! No.

- Good night, then. - Good night.

♪ Kill the humans End their culture ♪

(BEEPING)

HENDERSON: Teal, come to my quarters. I need you.

(LET'S GET IT ON PLAYING)

- Teal... - Shh. I've felt it, too, Commander.

In times of danger, people are often thrown together passionately.

I've been reading about it, and the act of love is often so much more intense

when we're in that danger.

- Teal, I... - Yes.

I had an idea for the battle plans. I asked all the officers here.

Oh!

Please.

(VOICE CRACKING) Good evening.

So that's the plan!

What do you think? Guys? Vine?

- Well done, you, for trying. - Come on. Look, I know it's risky,

but the ship can take it. I know every nut and bolt of this hunk of girl.

How many engines has it got?

Right, I'm not going to die sober. Would anyone care for an Instadrunk?

Instadrunk is banned under the standing orders of this ship.

Don't eat that!

This in the Commander's quarters!

(DRUNKENLY SINGING)

York! Don't just stand there and watch.

(DRUNKENLY SINGING)

Deal with him, please.

York!

- Oh, you bastard! - I didn't say shoot him.

- Well, I have the power under indigo alert. - Indigo?

Halt!

Rehabilitation cube opening. Please insert prisoner.

- Maximum setting. - Rehabilitation cube closing.

You have done a bad thing. We are going to rehabilitate you.

Watch the kitten. She does not question authority.

Be like the happy kitten.

And look! Another kitten sitting in a hat.

What a lovely world it is where kittens can sit in hats.

Round here they call it the Green Satan, a giant ball of toxic super-dense gas.

And if our course is just one fraction of a degree off,

the entire ship is slowly crushed like a mouse in a vice.

Vector 12 by grid mark 3-4-9 point 200.

- Just one tiny error would be fatal. - 000...

7. Yes.

Hello.

It's Uncle Mike again. You know how much I love sending you these messages,

but there is a chance that this might be the last one.

If I die tomorrow,

don't think of me as a hero.

Tell them...

Tell them your uncle was an ordinary fellow

who did incredibly brave things to protect our freedoms

now and into eternity.

Tell them something like that

And tell your dad he can't have my car.

I know it’s in his garage and I know I'll be dead, but he can't have it

Be a good boy.

60 more Lallakkiss ships, another 70 Bulaahg ships.

That's the last of them. Oh, no. Here comes another wave. We're knackered.

"We're knackered" is not a status report, Mr Vine. Just tell me how many...

(GROANING)

Listen. Everyone, I know I'm gonna be asking a lot,

but I also know that you're up to it. We've got two things they haven't got.

British grit and British spunk.

Every man and woman on this vessel is chock-full of gritty spunk.

So I want you to take a deep breath, put your game faces on,

because it's time.

Are you ready? Are you ready?

(BARKS)

Yeah? Are you ready?

Okay. Let's do this.

Are we in the pose?

- Good. Mr Vine. - Air screen on.

Henderson, you blow up asteroid. Now we blow you up!

Yes, hubris-nemesis thing.

Before you launch your attack, Officer Teal has a proposal for you.

Oh, not her, she boring one.

(BULAAHG SHUSHING)

Your supreme lordships, your unimaginable wondrousness,

on behalf of us all here at the HMS Camden Lock,

we humbly beseech you to

shit off, you beef-witted extra twatestrials!

You excellencies, are a pair of chinsters pasties! That is good.

And you! You are a pair of bouncy josephs and ninny hammers,

so why don't you all go to hell and help your mother make a bitch pie!

No, I've got more.

Sandstrom, dive, dive, dive!

- Activate shields! - Boosters.

All units, follow and kill/

Depth, two miles.

We may not be faster, we may not have their weapons,

but we do have a thicker hull, and we can take more of the planet's pressure.

Depth, four miles.

Where human?

Humans!

Sensors not work on stupid gas planet!

- Fire anyway. - Don't listen to him!

Fire anyway!

Deeper, Mr Vine!

Depth, seven miles.

Hull pressure, 60 atmospheres.

They've lost 10 ships already.

Twelve and counting.

It's the pressure crushing their skulls, squeezing their hideous alien bodies

till they erupt in a shower of blue pus and yellow brain matter.

Bing bong. Today's in-flight meal is death!

Ten miles. Hull pressure, 90 atmospheres.

Structural damage?

- Hull breach on level 4. - Oh, God. We've lost the yoga room!

- Damn you! Deeper, Mr Vine! - Deeper?

Oh, look at the horses.

They're in Ireland. That's nice.

(CREAKING)

Depth, 17 miles.

Teal, scan for enemy ships.

None, Commander. I can't see any.

Crushed. They are but sky slurry.

It's going to be okay, isn't it?

- It's gonna be okay? - Sandstrom, take us up, but slowly.

- All engines negative responsitivity. - Damn it.

Depth, 19 miles.

- Still going down. - 23 miles.

Think, think, think. Okay. Divert the Juergens nexus field moduliser to the, uh...

- Jeffers would know. - Yes. Thank you. And so do I.

To the Thorsphere antimatter coil! Thank you.

Depth, 23 miles. Holding.

Come on, come on, come on.

22 miles.

- 20 miles. - It's coming up.

Ooh.

- You made it through, you big tasty lump. - Thank you.

Oh, hello, Teal.

- Hello. - Hello.

- Is us! - Brilliant.

We stay up here because it look a bit horrible down there.

- Yes, very murky. - The dense gases obscure our sensors.

We can hear, but not see. Can you confirm that you are the humans?

Ha! We not human!

We see human perish just now, actually.

Yeah, you think you good at voices, but actually you rubbish!

- Die time now! - Die time now!

♪ Kill the humans End their culture

♪ Kill the humans, kill them all ♪

Oh, they is Lallakkiss/

Oh, we can have right old singsong like in olden days.

ALL: ♪ Kill the humans

Prime the missiles.

♪ Kill the humans

Target's locked on.

♪ Kill the humans End their culture

Fire.

♪ Kill the humans, kill them all

♪ Kill the humans in their millions ♪

oh!

Oh, yes. Mr York, you like that? You like that?

Chloe blooming Teal!

Okay. All right. Come on, big fellow.

Rehabilitation cube opening.

- Did we win? - Yeah.

That's nice.

I'm filling up.

Crew of the Camden Lock, this is your Commander, Michael, Mike Henderson.

Pint anyone?

HENDERSON: That's Clare Winchester, the round-the-galaxy solo spacewoman.

V. V for vanquish, vengeance.

I don't care what you think, Mr Cup. I'm keeping him.

We're gonna have sex later.

Oh, vaporize. Just thought of that one.

Fly true, you silver dart of fury!

Destroy!