Original subtitles

YORK: The Red Shiny Robots of Vortis, do they have the weekend off?

No, they don't.

No, they don't. They come and they come in their eternal quest to hunt us down,

scan our minds, turn them into pure streams of data

- and feed them into their planet-sized computers. - My crew deserve a break, York.

- Perhaps. But a whole weekend? - Yes!

Anyway, the Red Shiny Robots of Vortis are on the other side of the galaxy, right?

Oh, yes. Yes, they are. All right, the Ice Lords of Jeraton.

- Do they have the weekend off? - I don't know and I don't care.

with respect, Commander, perhaps you should.

The shape-changing Limahals of Rathomon, do they have the weekend off?

- You're making that up. - I am not...

There's no such thing.

(LOW BUZZ)

That's wrong.

(HIGH WHINE)

Cap the nubbin. Done.

The Bubsy Wasps of CheCheChe, do they have the weekend off?

Bubsy Wasps!

- Yes. Do they have the weekend off? - No!

Oh!

- No, no, no! - Now what?

It's Alice99. She always bids against me.

She got that key ring. She got the bolero jacket. I really wanted that.

- So bid again. - I'm past my limit.

- I'll sit this one out. - No, I think that's very sensible, Vine.

Most people round here call you boring, wussy and afraid, but I don't.

- JEFFERS: Bid! Bid! Bid! Bid! - Right. Eat my bid, you cow!

- It's not another set of Toby Jugs, is it? - No, it's nothing like that. It's a planet.

- It isn't? - Hmm.

- Sorry, where is it? - It's there.

Oh, I see. Gosh, very... How much?

- Vine, you've bid two years' wages! - "Planet. Quantity, one. As new. You collect."

Yeah, but Alice99, she always gets in at the last moment. Watch.

Five, four, three...

VineUK, you have won the auction.

Oh, well done, you. You beat Alice99.

Now, can anyone tell me the name of the man whose life... Not yet, Mr Wade.

Whose life we celebrate this weekend?

- Gary Neville! - Gary Neville.

The inventor of artificial gravity. Now, a little fact, he came up with the idea

at half-time at the 2004 FA Cup semi-final.

(WHISPERING) But he didn't tell a soul for 15 years, until he'd perfected his equations.

It's quite a nice story.

Now, can anyone tell me what cadets have on Gary Neville Day? Yeah?

- CADETS: Cadets Ball. - Cadets Ball.

That's fine. I know you'll have a lot of fun, you know.

Some of you may know, you may not know, but I rose up through the ranks.

I was a cadet once. My background is as humble as any of yours.

- Commander... - Here it comes.

On behalf of all the cadets, I'd like to present you with this invitation for the ball.

Bless you. Thank you. Great work.

Okay, so that's lovely. All right. Shoo, shoo. As in, leave.

- Thank you, guys. - Okay, so you're not going to that, are you?

- Not... You won't be going to that? - It's Space Force tradition.

They invite the Commander. He never actually goes, that's the thing.

But you've got to come to the Officers' Dinner. You have to be there.

Yes, I'll be there. Stop fussing. It's just a bit stuffy for an old cadet like me.

- An old cadet. - It'll be fun. Now, what shall we drink?

Wines? I was thinking the Chablis '34 or the '38?

- Does Strongbow come in? - Erm, are we playing?

- Oh, I'm so sorry, York. I'll see you later, Teal. - Okay.

- Let's party, mon frére. - Okay.

COMPUTER: Board game recommences.

Do you remember the Cadet balls back on the #MS Membury, eh, York?

Oh, you never went, did you? You were a junior officer.

- Yeah, well, you were a lowly drone. - You posh boys missed out, I'm telling you.

We had a proper spread. Chicken cubes, fish bites, the works.

- And the drink! - Yes!

And then the elbow of chance nudged you onto the Officers' Training Program.

Oh, how the fates always smiled on lucky Henderson.

Trust you to be at the osteopath's the morning the training center was eaten by a sentient jelly!

- Matchbounce! Yes! York, York, York! - York wins.

Well played. Well done.

Why don't we go and see if they're still doing breakfast?

Yeah, yeah. I'll take a cauliflower juice.

- Ooh, it's very close. - We could get a shuttle. Go for the weekend.

"Planet 079/ZB2.

"Geologically unstable. Not suitable for long or short-term habitation.

- "Forms of life, none." - None.

It's a retreat. A haven from the hustle and bustle. Free mini-break, anyone?

- To 079/ZB2? - No.

To Vineworld.

COMPUTER: Attention all crew, Happy Gary Neville Day.

Also, do you enjoy angling?

If so, get down to level 12 while it's still flooded.

Who's coming to Vineworld? First trip's for free. I've booked a shuttle.

- Oh, look at you. - Teal, come to Vineworld. You'd love it.

Oh, that is kind, but I won't.

Tell you what, ask Jeffers. He told you to bid. Okay, have fun.

Jeffers, Jeffers, Jeffers... Jeffers!

You don't want to go to the Officers' Dinner. Come to Vineworld. Please, come to Vineworld.

- Er, no. - You told me to buy it, so you must want to come.

- Vine? - Yeah?

- Mate. - Yeah?

- I'd rather drink my own spleen. - Sure?

Yeah.

We're going on holiday. Hooray!

Hi.

Hi, Sandstrom. Hello. I've just, erm... I've brought you a little something.

Well, I just felt bad that you don't get any treats, and it's quite tricky in space, isn't it?

Us girls have got to stick together. So, I've got you chocolate. Swiss stuff.

I am only permitted to eat nourishment gel. Nourishment gel has all the nourishment I need.

No, absolutely, but I have to tell you, this is delicious. Go on.

I know not of...

(IN TEAL'S VOICE) ...chocolate. Swiss stuff

Ooh!

Yes. It's nice, isn't it? I actually usually prefer the 70% dark chocolate.

(SCREAMING)

SANDSTROM: Chocolate! Swiss stuff!

It just happened so fast, you see? I was very much on the other side of the room,

doing something else entirely, and then she just kind of went...

(SCREAMING)

York! Get her off me! Get her off!

Ah, the enhanced.

Emotion and passion vying with the cold logic of circuitry. A heady brew.

Yes. I just really hope she doesn't have to miss the Officers' Dinner.

This could take days to correct.

- That is such a shame. - I shall have to access her digi-spine.

Right.

A British country hike, please.

COMPUTER: Select Peak District, Chilterns or A Taste of Scotland.

Um, Chilterns.

Beginning.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, this is nice. Oh, yeah. Don't get much chance to do this.

- Would you like me to add realistic terrain? - Yeah, why not?

Oh. Oh!

There's litter in there. That is a fag packet. That's litter!

Realistic terrain was requested.

Yeah, but it's just a little bit too realistic... That's a condom!

Are you telling me there's a part of this ship that stores old condoms

- and dog shit just for the Chiltern walk? - Realistic terrain was requested.

I can't believe that. End the hike.

Please replace realistic terrain in the hopper provided so that others may enjoy it

I don't know if you can see these, but it means I do not pick up dog eggs.

- Have you got any gloves? - No.

(SPACESHIP TAKING OFF)

Bye-bye! See you Monday!

Well. well, well, well.

You stun-sticked me, you tosser!

- Where's the radio? - Didn't bring one.

- We're getting away from it all. - Tell me there's booze.

Food?

If I'd brought food, there wouldn't be enough room for the giant chess. We'll forage for food.

Forms of life, none.

There. An enhanced digibrain anomaly corrected in...

3.147 hours. York, you have excelled yourself.

And now... awake.

Right, just go straight through. Hello, I'm Becky.

So, this enhancement thingy, are you really gonna pay off my student loan?

Blimey! Where do I sign? Yeah, yeah, I'll read that.

Enhancement process may cause slight dizziness

and/or severe personality change. Oh, it'll be all right.

You wouldn't be doing it if it wasn't going to...

You shouldn't have these memories. I wonder if you dream, Sandstrom.

Sandy...

Nourishment gel has all the nourishment I need. Chocolate.

- Swiss stuff. Chocolate. Swiss stuff. - Something is afoot. Data mosaic.

Show data footprints for all officers in the last 48 hours.

Expand.

File open. Display.

Rotate. Magnify.

Ah, I have you now.

Oh!

Surprised to see me, Teal?

- I just thought you were busy. - A lot of very mysterious things

have been happening to the officers on this ship just lately, wouldn't you say?

- Really? - Question for you, Teal.

- Yes? - Who knows the effect the ingestion of chocolate

would have on Sandstrom? Suggested answer for you, Teal.

Perhaps the same person who studied Sandstrom's online manual last Thursday

between 8:03 and 8:49 pm. Eh, Teal?

What are you saying, Mr York? What are you doing?

Oh, you're good. You're very good.

At first I suspected Jeffers, but he's on Vine's new world.

The new world, incidentally, that he bought in his insane rivalry with one Alice99.

Now, remind me, if you'd be so good please, Teal,

what is your middle name? No, wait a minute. I'm sure I can remember it.

It's on the tip of my tongue. Oh, yes. Isn't it Alice?

Erm, is it? Is it Alice? I've just, er...

Do you know, I think it is.

- Quite a coincidence. - Isn't it?

- Yes. - Yes. And then...

during the course of my investigations, I was enveloped in a cloud of sedative gas.

But whoever was responsible for that dirty little trick,

can't have known that I spent a year with the priests of Quividin,

where I learned to hold my breath for seven and a half hours.

And it was then that I knew who was behind all of this.

It was then that I realised, Teal, that you, Teal,

are not Teal.

You are a shape-changing Limahal of Rathomon in the form of Teal,

and you are removing the officers of this ship one by one.

Sorry, I just have no idea what you just said, Mr York,

but we've all been working very hard lately and...

This nebuliser contains a special dioxin.

Just one spray will reveal your true and hideous form.

York... Ooh, it's quite refreshing. Don't, don't...

Metamorphose, you swine!

I'm not a shape-changing Limahal, Mr York.

I am a woman, with a woman's needs,

and I just wanted to spend some time with a certain man.

And the Officers' Dinner was coming up tonight,

and I just thought, "what if it was just me and him alone?"

With nobody else to spoil it. Just once.

Have a lovely weekend.

Door opening.

- Good evening. - Hello.

- You all right? You look nice. Is that new? - Thank you.

- Where are the others? - Oh, they cancelled, so it's just us.

- Ow! - Sorry.

- Teal, you got my lens, man. No, leave it. - Sorry.

- All the more for us. - Yes.

Gentleman. Voila/

There you go. So, what's on the menu tonight? A choice of food from the Nevillian era?

- It's Wotsits. - Ooh, very posh.

- Will you be mother? - Shall 1?

Yes, please do.

- Yes, keep going. - Just one more.

I'll have that one.

- Mmm. - Is that okay?

Yeah, that's fine.

All right?

- How are you doing? All right? - Yes, thank you.

- Your sleeve's going in the food. - Sorry.

Chin-chin.

- Good. More wine. - Hungry.

So...

just...

Just the two of us having dinner.

- You know, anyone who saw us might think... - No, they wouldn't.

- Do you not think... - No.

It'll pick up speed. Just needs to warm up.

Is it from a Kinder egg?

Ah. Hang on a mo.

Boulder.

Where are we going?

- We're just leaving Vine City 1. - Oh, God.

Then we can follow Vine Ridge. That'll take us to the Vale of Vine.

What if there was another pioneer? Would he get anything named after him?

Well, everything's got names now. I can't just change them all willy-nilly.

Oh, look! You can see Vine Rock from here.

The music is the pipes of the Gothanil.

They say it's the most romantic music in the galaxy.

Really.

Apparently, you can get pregnant just by listening to it. We'd better be careful.

Mmm.

What a lovely meal that was.

Think it's getting quite late. 7:30, wow.

Thank you so much for that meal,

and you were marvelous company, as always, Miss Teal, and...

Thank you, Commander.

And, erm...

- Bye. - No, hang on, you can't go yet.

Because we now have drinks, don't we? Cognac in the Commander's quarters.

Well, it's just the two of us, so I don't think we need to do that, do we?

It's tradition. You wouldn't want to break with tradition, would you?

- Teal, I can't have Officers' Drinks. Not tonight. - Why not!

Oh, sorry.

Because I'm...

I'm going to go to the Cadets Ball.

Yep, I got an invite, and I'm gonna go for once because I was a cadet once.

Really? You should tell people.

Teal.

- You'll be all right, won't you? - Yes, I'll be fine. I'll just tidy up

- because the robots never do a good job, so... - Okay. All right. well...

Look, maybe we can both go to the Cadets Ball? They're a lot of fun.

Unless, you know, you've got something else planned.

I might do.

- All right. well, if you change your mind. - No, no. I will, I will. Commander!

(PANTING)

- Told you we'd find some food. - Yeah, you did.

You did not tell me we would have to break into a crashed Russian ship

full of dead cosmonauts and scavenge the dead men's rations out of their frozen dead fingers.

Hey! No moaning on my world, okay?

Right. Let's get this fire going.

Good, isn't it? Couple of mates, couple of buddies, nice fire.

Well, we work in the same room, Vine. We don't know each other that well, not really.

Well, let's talk. Tell me things. Tell me about your family.

- I never talk about them. - You do here.

- You really want to know? - Yeah.

All right, then. Well, my mum died two months before I was born, sadly.

Then I was raised by space pancakes, which was good, but we had this fear of maple...

(SIGHS)

My dad brought me up. He was a software engineer, a good one.

When I was about five, he got sick, really ill. They gave him about six months,

so he wrote a program, which was like a version of him, to bring me up when he'd gone.

And it worked.

If I went to swing on the curtains, the program said, "Go to your room," and I did.

it’d order me a birthday present and print off a little paper hat and say,

"I'm proud of you, son."

Then one night, I was 15,

I came in very late

and the program was furious.

It said, "Where were you? I was really worried. We never talk any more."

And I said, "You're not my real dad!

"You're just a piece of code!" And I deleted it!

Next morning, I tried to recover the data, but I couldn't.

I never got it back.

There's something I never told you about myself.

- Ever since... - Oh, don't bother. It's not going to beat my story.

- Well, nobody knows this, but... - Does it beat my story?

- No. - No? Get the barbecue on.

- I hope you know how to square dance, Miss Teal. - I do.

(GRUNTING)

Strong.

Piretti! Oi! What is that?

Sex In The Middle.

Okay, you go to the middle and you have sex. Breaks the ice, you know?

- Gets it going for later. Do you want some mould? - Mould?

Yeah, it grows in the missile tubes. Oh, gets you there, man. I'm telling you.

Commander, I want you to know I made them watch the Drugs Are Not Your Friend film.

Oh! Oh, Commander, she's wearing tops but no bottoms.

That's ruder than nothing at all.

It's time for puke chains. who's up for puke chains?

- CADETS: Puke chains, yeah! - I don't want to do puke chains.

HENDERSON: Go! Go! Go! Go!

Mmm, smell that!

Let's see your hand.

You didn't touch the ground, did you?

It's my world. I just wanted to run my fingers through the soil.

And look what it's done! And now you've touched the meat. I'm not eating it. Not now.

- I'll eat it, then. - No, don't you eat it. Vine!

Vine! Vine!

It's shit. It's shit.

Shit.

It's all shit!

My world is rubbish.

80,000 credits!

I was gonna buy a pub with that.

- You can sell it on. - Who'd want this crap?

Municipal Authority might want it for young offenders.

I'm such a twat.

Look, when we were out earlier, I saw something. Come and have a look. You'll like it. Come on.

Don't touch me, yeah?

- Thank you. - I mean, when did I get so old?

Well, it's not one particular moment with age, is it? It's more an ongoing process

- of cellular decay and that's... - Teal.

- Yeah? - Let's go to the Sex Room.

What?

- Do you want... - Yes! Sorry.

You know, I mean,

- why should they get all the fun? - Yes. No.

Oh, no, we really should book the Sex Room at least two weeks in advance.

- So, if we reschedule, then that'll be... - You know what?

- Yes? - I am the commander of this ship.

Yes, you are!

And, Chloe, I shall ruddy well command it to open.

You shall ruddy well command it to open. That is so majestic.

- Whoa! - Yeah. Try this.

(JEFFERS SHOUTS)

(ECHOING)

Go on. Shout something. Loud as you like.

- Hello there. - Come on. You can do better than that. Let it out.

I've wasted all my money and I'll never get a pub!

- Go on. Fantastic. More. - Space Force is a waste of my life!

Yeah. Go on, do me. Slag me off.

- No, you're all right. - No, go on. You'll feel better. You will.

Jeffers is a big arse! He thinks he's clever,

- but everyone in the ship thinks he's... - That's enough.

Wow. This is amazing.

- Thanks, mate. - Yeah.

You know, this is gonna need a name. I think I know what I'm gonna call it.

Vine Canyon.

Sorry.

Oh, Commander. Michael. Mike.

I've been waiting for this moment for so long and...

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

That's good! Get that one on.

- All right. - Yeah.

I'm not sure these things really do anything to me to be honest...

Whoo!

Ooh! Mmm. Bloody hell!

- We're not too old, are we? - Oh, no.

- We can still have fun? - Yes.

We can have meaningless sex.

It doesn't have to mean anything, does it?

Hey, Teal, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please don't go.

I shall report for duty at 8:00 am on Monday morning, Commander.

Please don't go.

Teal!

- COMPUTER: Please state setting. - One person.

Ow!

(GROANING)

It's Monday morning. Attention all crew.

Today's meeting in the inter-denominational worship room

is for the Norse religion.

If you worship the Norse gods,

or you're just considering letting Thor into your life,

get down to the worship room on level 4.

Hut!

Officer Chloe Teal, for sabotage and the restraint of fellow officers,

you are sentenced to three days in the rehabilitation cube.

I personally believe you are getting off very lightly.

I'm very sorry.

Vine, you can have your bolero jacket if you want.

- Really? - Yes.

- I'll give you a planet. Swapsies. - No, no. Thank you, though.

Rehabilitation cube closing.

Go on, dismissed!

TEAL: Will you wait for me, Commander? Commander?

Great news. The Lallakiss and the Bulaahg have resolved their differences.

Talky door!

Sadly, the first act of this new alliance was to declare war on Britain.

Abort launch, please. Abort the launch!

Ooh!