Original subtitles

COMPUTER: Attention all crew. Nutrition advice.

Lager is not a meal in itself.

Eat food with your lager.

Approaching Queppu. Vector 9 by 7-7-9.

Commencify, please.

- Ah, Henderson. - Ah, Space Marshal.

Can I just say first contacts are really my favourite part of the job, you know?

We're reaching out across the galaxy and we're saying, "Hello, we're your sky brothers."

Yes, very good. See if you can get planning permission for a Tesco orbital.

Okay, I mean, they learn from us, but...

And Barratt Homes, they've been on the phone. We're sending you the bumph.

Good, but in essence, what we're saying is,

we're from Britain, you know, and you've just made 180 million new friends.

- You're right, Henderson. - Yeah, thank you.

- And what do friends do for each other? - I think...

- They process their friends' nuclear waste. - ...friends' nuclear waste.

Tell them it's very profitable and entirely safe, which it is.

Yes, yes.

Hello, little lady.

- Die! - What are you doing?

- Whoa! - Commander.

TR 47. It has the range and accuracy, but oh so very poor on spread.

Typical molecule rifle. Highly efficient nevertheless. Catch!

Now, the SA 2400...

that's quite a different story.

Hardly precise, but emits a cone of short-range devastation.

Most of the enemy are killed by the flying limbs of their colleagues.

Kaapow!

We'll take both.

York, they're a nascent civilization, you know. They're agricultural, pre-industrial.

They might find all this a little bit scary. It's not a good way to begin.

Commander, Commander, Commander, we won't begin like this.

No, first, from orbit, we'll nuclear-destruct one of their more picturesque villages.

A small show of strength.

Then we'll go down with these, and we shall stand before them and say,

"We are Death, destroyer of worlds.

"Bury your husbands then come and enjoy your new branch of Morrisons."

- Teal, how many arms do they have? - Two.

That's such a shame. We're never going to get rid of these.

I know.

- They're good quality, too. - They're nice.

- So, who is going to this Queppu, then? - I thought we would honor them

with our three highest ranking officers. You, me and Teal.

Wait a minute.

You don't intend to leave this vessel in the sole charge of...

HENDERSON: Jeffers!

- York, Teal and I are doing the first contact. - Yeah, and?

well, I'd like you to look after the ship while we're away.

- Certainly, Commander. - Oh. See? Fine!

It's a trap.

I'm sowing the seeds of trust, Mr York. we'll all reap the harvest.

Don't think I've forgotten the last time, Mr Jeffers.

"Oh, no, Commander. I'm not having a party. I'm just having a couple of friends over."

- I'm watching you. - We all make mistakes, Mr York.

And I write all of yours down.

- Commander, we need to watch the film. - Oh, Teal, we've all seen the film.

Regulations clearly state that all crew members must watch the film before going to a new planet.

I'm sorry, I must insist. Thank you. Follow me. Come along.

FILM NARRATOR: Let's learn about another alien sex disease.

- Can I skip this? - Shh, thank you.

This crew member had intercourse with a glygonthian octopoid.

Let's take a close look at his genitals.

Pustules have developed and on the pustules, warts.

(BUBBLING)

TEAL: Sweet?

Soon his entire groin explodes.

(BURSTING)

Revealing five baby octopoids, each with his face.

(SQUEAKING)

Remember, alien sex is danger sex.

- Danger sex. Mmm-hmm. Good. - It was all right in the end.

TEAL: And now it's probably more like four metres to the airlock, two metres...

Ooh, and we're stopping.

On a personal note, I'd like to thank the Commander

for allowing me to keep the official record of the visit to Queppu.

Oh, he's is gesturing to me. Oh, I see, he wants me to stop talking for a bit.

So I'll just stop talking for a bit.

Mr Jeffers, you have command. I know you're up to it.

- She's in safe hands, sir. - He said sir. You see?

Now listen. These are our emergency frequencies. This one's for everyday emergencies.

And that one's for more, you know, emergency emergencies.

Commander, I strongly advise you not to leave him in charge.

Why not leave Teal? She's a hopeless plodder, but she's broadly obedient.

First Officer York being characteristically unfair. A bad start to a historic mission. Thank you.

Listen, one more thing. I don't want you to sit in my chair.

I'm not being precious about it. I've just got it set up for my back the way I like it.

- Yeah? Capisce? - Got it.

Good.

York? Come on.

- Today we shall watch dawn on a new world. - Oh, that's lovely.

- Did you get that on the thing? - Sorry. I...

You always put it on...

(HOOTING)

Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

Vine, call Joshua! And call Cthulos! We're on!

TEAL: Now, according to the files, their language is amazingly similar to English,

which is jolly helpful, and the other thing... Oh, good, the meals.

HENDERSON: As I walk this ancient path,

I feel like I'm treading in the footsteps of the great explorers of the past.

On the day he first discovered France, did Charles Dickens feel the way I do now?

For pudding, we all had flapjacks. There was no choice there, but that's okay.

- Everybody loves a traditional based flapjack. - Why can't you just record what I said?

- Sorry. Yes, of course. - Every time...

There! Life forms. Four of them. They haven't seen us.

Over here! We're from Britain! We mean you no harm! Over here!

Commander, he's got a gun.

Don't worry. Just a couple of warning shots to the knees.

Oi, what did I say? I am very disappointed, Mr York. Very disappointed indeed.

You know what? I am going to give you a verbal warning, and that hurts me.

- Teal, make a note of how much that hurts me. - The Commander is very hurt.

You don't know anything about these beings. How dare you come onto their...

- Commander. - What?

- To your right. - Hmm?

- To your right. To your right. - Oh, sorry.

Greetings. Don't be afraid. I'm not a god or anything. We mean you no harm.

I, Henderson...

They've shot the Commander with a kind of dart.

They've shot Mr York. They are reloading their crossbows.

I'm just waiting to see what they'll do next.

JEFFERS: Joshua, you fat prick. It's race day, baby.

- Oh, not today! - They gave me the ship. It's today or never.

You know I want to, but I must rescue some scientists.

Cthulos, tell Joshua to stop being such a wuss.

(IN ALIEN LANGUAGE)

My orders are most strict.

Wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss...

Wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss!

Okay. Okay, but I'm going to whoop your arse.

O Supreme Ruler, your warriors found these wretches in the wilderlands,

so they brought them here to your imperial palace, O Strongest of the Mighty.

(WHISPERING) I think he's the one in charge.

Nice and peacefully. Always smiling.

Hello.

- No problems, no problems. - Okay.

Rebels!

- You are rebels sent by my enemies. - Hey, chief! Can I just...

You have tried our patience for too long, but no more.

For I now have a weapon of unimaginable power,

the Doom Ray.

- Oh, God, no. - And this is one of your fellow rebels.

Watch as my Doom Ray disintegrates him...

Oh, Teal.

...in under three days.

Huh?

Keep still, will you!

(LAUGHING)

You marvel at my power. You marvelled.

I saw you marvelling. He distinctly marvelled.

- I didn't marvel. - You did.

And when this ray has killed that wretch, and it's had a week to recharge,

it's your turn.

Take them to the dungeons.

Not the nice ones.

(FANFARE)

Father, they look like no rebels we have seen.

Their eyes speak of gentleness.

What does she think she's wearing?

HENDERSON: Shut up. TEAL: Well...

Father, let them speak, that we may hear their story.

Ah, my daughter. You alone command me.

JEFFERS: All right, chaps. Here's the course. Here to Beta Cygnis.

Beta Cygnis to Talitha. Finish line is the twin star of Gamma Arietis.

Now, I want a nice clean race. No missiles, no laser cannons, no ramming.

Ooh! No ramming! You a big baby!

Baby! Baby!

I'll take the countdown. 5...

4,3,2,11

Hey! You cannot do that. Come back here! Come back here!

You. Where are you from? What do you want?

We are from...

We came from beyond the sky in a spacecraft. On a mission of friendship.

- Spacecraft? - Oh, okay, it's kind of like a silver bird.

What is a bird?

All right, erm...

- A silver fish? - Ah, I see.

What is a fish?

- A silver ship? - Oh, a ship.

What is a ship?

Also, what is silver?

Look, let's just say we got here, yeah?

Now, there are many, many worlds beyond the sky.

Some are nice, sure. Some, some are a little bit shit.

But the best of all is Britain.

And what does this Britain have that we do not?

Britain's a place where you can be who you want to be, yeah?

You hook the caravan up and you drive down to the countryside.

Yeah, sure,

it's taken you all day, but you got there.

And it's half past four and the sun's shining.

You've got the barbecue on and you've got a bottle in your hand,

and you got a feeling, if I may, which comes from here.

A feeling in your heart, a feeling that goes...

(EXHALING IN PLEASURE)

With a little bit of... mmm.

Aah mmm.

And that is Britain.

Father, let us honor them as guests of Queppu.

My daughter has wisdom beyond her years.

You will dine with us.

A feast!

Sir? Is that Set Feast number 1 or Set Feast number 2?

Which one has the little claws with the dippy sauce?

- Number 2. - Set Feast number 2 then.

Set Feast number 2.

Oh, oh, oh, boy! That's it! That's the stuff.

- Speed, 90 Vs. - Hurt me!

Ninety-three Vs.

- Now we're cooking with plasma! - Ninety-five Vs.

Come on, boy! Do it!

Sorry.

(FANFARE)

Oh, now what?

You can see her womb in that. Hello. Hi, I'm Teal.

Hey. I never caught your name.

- I am called Lav ya. - Wow. My name is Michael.

Call me, call me Michael.

Don't mind me.

- What was that gesture? - Sickening.

- A traditional greeting on my planet. - Ah.

- Tell me more of the customs of your world. - Yeah, yeah.

Hey, Teal, come on, budge up a bit. I'm on a mission, you don't mind? Come on.

- Remember the film. - Yeah.

- My world... - Excuse me, miss.

I'm sure you're keen to discuss trade with the Supreme Leader.

That is the purpose of our mission after all and, apparently, you're the leader of it.

Yeah, well. I'm busy and I'm delegating, so you do it. Sorry, sorry about York.

He's doesn't always get it quite right. He's fairly junior, really.

(GROWLS)

I'm an animal!

Whoa!

Speed, 170 Vs...

(SCREAMING)

- Hull breach in midsection! We're losing air! - Air's for girls!

Well, well, well.

The local creatures have served a large banquet.

Commander Henderson is engaged in close diplomatic relations with a native,

that is what he is doing.

- What is that necklace made from? - It is a spirit gem.

The crystal harmonizes with the wearer's mind and changes color with their mood.

Wow.

So, it's pink. What does pink mean?

Hmm.

I see now how the loyalty card works.

- And Barratt, do they build palaces? - Well, I'm sure they will for you, Supreme Ruler.

My subjects will marvel at my Barratt palace.

Oh, indeed, and how they shall marvel, but that is just the beginning.

You say you have rebels.

Well, with the British-made weapons we supply, you shall crush those rebels

as I crush this fruit.

(BOTH SNIGGERING)

- Try this one. They are very good for crushing. - Oh, thanks.

This night marks the alliance

of the two greatest powers in the universe.

Queppu and Great Britain!

My beloved daughter will now perform a dance of celebration.

Well, no, no.

Stop it. Oh, just stop it.

She is an alien tart.

I know what she's got. She's got warts.

And pustules and worms.

Yes, she has. Yeah, go on, say it. You are the planet bike.

Ooh, ooh, they're soft.

Actually, I think I might just stay...

Stay here and have a little lie down, if that's all right.

Well, congratulations. Thanks to both of you

we can look forward to a late supper of fricassee of death.

Chill with your bad vibes, man. Pappa Bear is all over it.

Jeffers, commencify rescue. This is not a drill. Jeffers, emergency frequency.

(SIGHS)

Jeffers?

He'll have it open at all times, won't he?

He'll be up there, in orbit right now, well within range. He's listening.

He'll be down here with 30 fully-armed cadets.

Before you know it, we'll be back at my cabin having a laugh about all this

over a glass of tea and a warm pork scone.

Jeffers, Jeffers.

Jeffers, Jeffers.

Jeffers, Jeffers. Yeah.

Yes, probably. Yeah!

That's what he's doing, he's keeping radio silence, isn't he?

which is actually very clever. Probably taken the ship and hidden it

round the dark side of the planet, so they can't see him, but he can still hear us.

He's quite clever. The signal bounces off a moon.

I don't know if you know any stuff about that, it's called line of sight.

Jeffers. Jeffers, man.

I trusted him and that was good. I put myself on the line for him, you know?

(STAMMERING) I think he'll still come through.

Jeffers, Jeffers.

And I bet that at any moment he'll break down that door, yeah?

We're out and we're free.

I trusted him. Jeffers!

Jeffers?

Jeffers?

Ram him! Ram, ram, ram, ram, ram.

(HOOTS)

(ALARM SOUNDING)

You said no ramming/!

If you look in the dictionary, there is a big picture of your face under cheat.

Cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat.

Status report. Reactors 2 to 6 damaged beyond repair.

I don't care because I won.

For the first time in my life, I am completely happy.

I mean, I've got this faint voice in my head,

telling me I'm in a lot of trouble right now, but I can hardly...

It's getting louder now because I'm thinking about it. It's quite loud.

(ENGINES STOPPING)

Oh, right.

- It's stuck. - I don't want to hear stuck, Vine.

I don't want to know about stuck. God, Vine, why did you let me do all this?

- Me? - You've really let me down.

Oh, so I've let you down.

Joshua, do you think you could lend us a particle flux modulator?

No.

Or, Cthulos, see your way clear to...

Right. We've got to get to Queppu. Well? What have we got with a working engine?

(STRAINING)

The strangers have dishonored the house of Queppu.

They must be punished according to the old ways of the ancient times of yore.

They shall perform the ritual of blood knife!

ALL: Bloodknife, bloodknife, bloodknife, bloodknife.

Father, show mercy. I know the Commander is a good man.

The three of you shall fight to the death.

The winner I shall allow to live

that he may return to Britain to tell them to marvel,

as you marvelled, at my power.

Because you did marvel and everyone saw it.

Let blood knife begin!

Yeah.

I will not fight my friends for your amusement, old man.

- I jolly well won't either. - Good, Teal.

- Come on, York? - York?

- York? - York?

You know what? Just lately the two of you have been getting on my nerves.

You are on a verbal warning. I don't want to have to make it a written one.

With only one survivor, there will be no one to contradict his story.

York.

Oh, don't worry. I'll concoct a heroic death for both of you.

Yeah, that's right. You died trying to save me.

- Don't! I beg of you! - Little fool.

Let us go or the girl dies!

- A trick. I knew it. I did, I did. - we'll be popping back to our shuttle right now.

Thanks for all the tasty claws. You would be wise not to try to stop us.

Fear not, brave Lav ya. I will pick them off one by one with my Doom Ray!

Stay still!

We're just escaping now.

Stay back, you Queppuinian scum. At least 20 yards.

TEAL: They don't know what a yard is.

I am a Princess of Queppu. I should not be treated like this!

Command them to let me go!

Yes, I mean, definitely. Just not quite yet, okay, yeah? Whoa.

Teal, plot coordinates. Launch in 20 seconds.

(BEEPING)

We're going to get off back to our own ship now. So, bye.

- Your pendant's gone all blue. - It is the color of hatred on my world.

Hey, don't say that, you know. We had a nice time yesterday.

- We can hook up again. - You have betrayed me, Michael Henderson.

- I despise you. - The mask's beginning to slip now.

Ow. Look, why don't we just see how it goes, yeah? Keep in touch.

I will build a silver bird of my own. I will search the sky,

and I will find you, and I will kill you, Michael Henderson.

Yeah, well, that's enough chit-chat for now. Thanks for seeing us off.

(SCREAMS)

Text me. I love you!

- Come on. - Coming!

- Welcome back. Where's my present? - Present! Where were you? I called.

You called? Oh right, yeah.

Because the ship got trapped in a bubble of time, didn't we?

- Couldn't get a signal. - VINE: Right. Yeah.

- What happened? - He had a race.

A race? You idiot.

- Commander! Commander! - That's not the way.

This is the way.

Well, maybe Queppu's not ready to join the great galactic family quite yet.

They will be. Sure, there'll be mistakes along the way,

but I know there's one person down there

who's got what it takes to lead them into the future.

One very special person.

I've got a feeling we haven't seen the last of her.

(FORCED LAUGHTER)

Oh. Good work today, guys.

Mr York, you have the helm.

Just one spray will reveal your true and hideous form.

Ooh, it's quite refreshing.

Jeffers is a big arse! He thinks he's clever,

- but everyone on the ship says he's a fat... - That's enough.

- Teal, let's go to the sex room. - Yes!