Original subtitles

[Music]

I'm going straight I'm straight as an

eror i p the price and

time I'm going straight I am the

straight and narrow and I don't think

straight back to

[Music]

Crime this way gentleman please

now Mrs Gilchrist I want you just to

walk along the line and if you recognize

the man in question Point him out

there's no need to speak just point to

it right

you look relieved I beg your pardon I do

not yes you do I heard your knees

Knocking by

please I'm afraid not you're sure take

your time I'm positive inspector as I

told you he had Ginger hair curly Ginger

hair might have been a wig clutching at

straws he was arrest he don't care who

quiet

please let him

go thank you for your cooperation

gentlemen little Choice some of us don't

moan Fletch you got a free cover tea out

of it didn't you I'm not looking for

Ander am I look why do you harass us old

legs eh it's not harassment fledge just

that you got a villainous face gives our

line up the right Ed

toe you don't recognize me do you Dave

pipus used to use your local in the old

days and and flow when Al Tonks was

there oh Al yeah yeah sorry I still

don't you know my brother Eric Clapper

pyus oh

Clapper yeah Clapper there rings a

bell so how is he name Clapper yeah

going like him a he going like him the

clappers oh he's doing very nicely is er

he's got a big house up at Al on the

hill Georgian star with a fullsize

billiard table saw a bath the works oh

he does very nicely and he's never been

done you know he's got no form how about

yourself oh I had a bit of a setback a

couple of years ago yeah well we all

have a few of them don't we been out

long have you not long no no how's it

going oh very well very well I've got a

house muz well on the hill

yeah M's Georgian in my case George the

Fifth

we haven't got sa in a bath we've got a

little shed at the bottom of the garden

that houses a couple of cycles and a

ringer you know what mean I know what to

light me on M do you to look at you Dave

I wouldn't say you was exactly on your

uppers he I mean that whistle the car

you drove us here in automatic two-tone

real leather upholstery Wing mirrors

well thinking of changing it well it's

coming up to 20,000 and my blow you know

what puts the Spanish to it he says Dave

best do it now before something big goes

like the gear box yes I know what you

mean yes hi same problem with me

bike I've got a trade at him before the

Bell drops

off here Fletch listen it might be quite

fortuitous or bumping into you like this

oh yeah well it might be that I'm in a

position to uh help you out oh

yes might be that I could put something

your way put what my way why should you

do me any favors David not a question of

favors is it you're a gem bloke you are

Fletch hard to come by these day solid

reputation I know people who value

Integrity yeah I think I should tell you

before you go any further my old son

that I am going straight of course you

are let clearly understood what also

should be clearly understood that

anything is put my way will not be

considered unless it is strictly within

the letter of the law now what sort of a

person do you think I am a crooked sort

of a person the sort of person that my

parole officer tells me to avoid well it

depends on how you define crooked mate I

mean is crooked and crookie yeah well

you're both kinds a't

you I run a legitimate business now we

manufactur party Novelties paper hats

jokes yeah all right yes all right Dave

I appreciate I appreciate the offer and

the drinks of course but I am keeping me

nose clean not for myself for my family

my daughter's getting married a couple

of weeks you need some readies for that

got anything going oh yeah yeah got lots

of things going oh yes yes matter of

fact I'm thinking of transferring all my

assets to an offshore tax Haven in

Bermuda you know yeah on the other hand

bearing in mind all the political unrest

in the Caribbean I think probably in the

long run it would be better to leave it

where it is in the piggy bank on the Mel

piecey FR you nearly had me go in there

hey look tell you what think about it

change your

mind there's where you can contact

me oh yeah yeah here's where you can

contact

me Mell little probation office that's

right any Tuesday and Friday call in

10:00 sharp cuz I'm an F see you'll see

me standing in line with all the other

poor FS

[Music]

H you had to sleep they should have woke

me oh I couldn't bring myself to you

look ever so sweet when you're asleep

you look about 6 years old I feel a bit

older than that when I wake up

though don't you miss at me pattern I'm

halfway through the bodies o it's a nice

word that bodice and with his teeth he

loosened the strap of a pink

bodice

bod oh my

God feed in time again is

it hello hello D I think my presence in

this house adds a bit of spice to your

courtship does it eh a hint of the

elicit you know what I mean cuz you

never know when I'm going to walk in do

you I think when you're married and it's

all above board your sex life will

fizzle

out yeah nothing will change cuz we'll

still be living here what until we find

a decent place oh see and you'll be just

as irritable when you come through the

door listen it is usual for people to

put aside a little bit of cash before

they Rush head long into marriage so

they're not a burden on their in-laws oh

come on dad you like it if I left what

would' look after you then not Raymond

that's for sure yeah nothing will change

I'll still be on the road most of the

time and for half the week you'll be

able to treat this ass as if it was your

own well that'll make a change won't it

you are nice to me aren't you L very

nice indeed oh don't sit down there b

there's pins all over the place weding

dress is it

going the way outfit oh going away

outfit would you make him one i' like

him to go away as soon as possible where

you going anyhow I can never pronounce

it what's it called Len lanzerotti

that's it lanzerotti lanzerotti where he

El that well we're not quite sure cuz we

can't find it on the map but it's it's

out of the ordinary you know it's not

too

touristy it's volcanic oh that' be nice

would it that get you out of bed in the

morning would it

don't be D Dad it's dormant all

volcanoes is dormant and they girl eh

until that terrible night when they

suddenly erupt cover everyone in molten

rock and flying

sherbet you could be right Lenny you

never know with these things don't

listen to him if there was any danger it

wouldn't be a fast growing holiday

Center as described in the brochure I

don't know why you pick a place you

can't pronounce you can't find on the

map and it's covered in

volcanoes because it's

cheap we're going a special deal from

Marian's boyfriend him must got the

travel agency him he's the BL who left a

plain load of Welshman stranded in

Morocco and he none of whom have ever

been heard of since they're probably all

still there singing away keeping a

welcome in the

Wes leave it off S there's no need to

put the mockers on this wedding I am

just interested in your finances that's

all who's paying for all this I'll tell

you I've told you about the animon

that's a courtesy of Marion

indirectly uh my wedding outfit's

courtesy of the girls at the salon cuz

they had a whip round and uh Len's mom's

brother is Uncle Bertram he's the night

in the cake cuz he's a baker and uh

we're doing it in the registry office to

save the expense of a church oh yeah

what about the reception you'll need a

hall catus won't you and loads of booze

knowing our lot not to mention the

hordes of gobbers are going to come

crawling out the

woodwork who's going to pay for all that

have you seen my fimble anywhere then I

said who's going to pay for all that I

dropped it somewhere is it on the floor

look never mind a the thimble let us

discuss this shall we now listen you

know my would you mind pointing the

other end at me when I'm told you please

you know my situation but you are my

daughter which makes me the Father of

the Bride and as such I intend to do my

best much as Spencer Tracy did in a film

of the same name now then you know I

can't run to the doorchester but I've

had a word with old Ernie LAX him who

keeps the lamb and flag he says we can

have their back room we can take the

boards off the windows and air it out a

bit get some folding chairs in there

maybe put a big double sheet over the

old bilard table like a tablecloth see

that that's very sweet of you but well

we can't have it here girl come we

there's no room here is there I know I

know Dave greener's garage that's the

place that's good so been taken care of

B yeah you can dance there can't you if

you change your mind honey

I said it's all been taken care

of uh I'll see if you thimble in the

kitchen and good you stay here you taken

care of out well uh you know the old

manor house up near sto yeah well it's

going to be there in the Gilbert and

Sullivan room I can't afford that it's

spooked and paid for who

buy well

uh mom was over Tuesday see uh

you know discussing this and that and oh

she was sorry to miss you but I think

you was down the probation office yes

yes anyway she suddenly told me that

this was a present from her and

the re what you're not taking anything

from RE Jessup he is not family he is

merely the bloat who shacked up with

your mother well that makes him a sort

you shut up it don't make him nothing

partner

exhausted oh now Rich for years d he's

almost like an uncle besides it's Mom's

present it's just that it's him who's

got the go on go on say it money money

money money money you think of nobody

but yourselves you two well it is our

wedding it's just that we know your

circumstances yeah we know at this point

in time you haven't got the wear with

all but believe me Fletch if you had

anything at all ingred and me had only

be too pleased to take

it well that's nice is it

I didn't mean it like

[Applause]

[Music]

that shut up money money

money oh hello Dave thanks for coming

over I'm sorry I'm L I only got your

message an hour ago the wife rang me I

was at the White City oh yeah who was

that I spoke to on the phone in that

would have been the wife oh really she

got a deep voice Ain she sound like a

fell to

me a fell yeah round my ass

yeah answering my telephone yeah oh

probably her brother yeah West country

accent more your West

Indian but where my ass yeah oh dear

I've obviously opened up a complete new

canopies here aren't I or in your case

mangoes there is obviously a perfectly

simple explanation why there should be a

big West Indian around your wife at 9:00

this evening F what well I don't know I

don't know your wife do I I didn't know

you had a wife until I rang up and spoke

to our lover spoke to the who was doing

what he was doing right there I'll sort

that out later yeah I think you're

better Dave sooner the better no well

obviously that's not why I ask you

around here no of course it isn't I

suppose you can guess why I did ask you

around can you well I put two and two

together yeah yeah much as that West

Indian was doing with all wife

I just a joke just a joke so what are

the details of of this assignment then

it's all right to talk here is it yeah

yeah safe as our is here now this is

what you do is it night

Porter proam proam yes I can see why you

had second thoughts you can't be making

much at this I haven't said I'm having

second thoughts Dave I want to hear more

details first what is my function in

this Caper just peripheral H is that the

word well it is a word certainly yes

what does it mean what I mean is On The

Fringe look out like listen I'm having

no truck with violence is that

understood I never have and I never will

so if you're going in armed or about to

break EDS count me out right you make a

lot of Demands you do for a night

portter I've told you I'm not that

desperate I just need a few readies for

the uh you know oh put your mind at rest

my son there'll be none of that these

Lads I tell you they're a 24 carot Bunch

it's a big bunch of carrots isn't it

they're not desperate either this has

been planned meticulous it's the ace job

every job I've ever done is the Ace job

well this is and for doing next to na

all there's 500 quid in it for

you 500

quid when is it Saturday week oh

Saturday week what that's that that's

put the tin out on that is it why well

my daughter's getting married Sly week

oh dear

what time 2:00 oh well you're all right

then we'd be through by noon noon

guaranteed it's too dodgy no honest has

to

be some of these Lads have planes to

catch planes I told you FLIR is

Big I'm not talking about you and me but

for the top Echelon like these Lads is

all for way to S of climes they're going

to be tax Exiles like Rod Stewart in the

Rolling Stones

funny they made their money out of

daylight robbery and all didn't

they all

right

Fletch thanks here's Mr M just getting

up here

ask you what do you want sorry sorry

what about for waking you oh you woke me

up to tell me you're sorry for waking me

did you no I had to I've got to go to

waly oh I see you woke me up to tell me

you driving that great Big E scrap a

wallacy I brought you a mug of tea

listen if your battery is flat and you

want to push forget it I haven't got me

elephant with

me now I I had to talk to you Fletch and

what would all this over time I'm

putting in I won't get a chance to talk

to you before the wedding talk what

about the wedding oh calling it off you

got cold feet have you oh you'd like

that wouldn't you you don't think I can

make iner happy do you well I can I can

make her happy happy what is Happy

Happiness is a Warm truck driver is that

it you don't think I'm good enough for

ingred do you never have done well

you're not I suppose you saw her marry

in some sort of bloke with a nice accent

in a hacking jacket and a creat bit like

Dirk bogar when he was a doctor in the

house listen don't get stroppy with me

you know what I'm like when I'm first

thing in the morning I'll get up and

thump you is this sugared of course it's

sugared to and half you get out now to

make your tea number of Cups of Tea I

made for you in the nick waiting on you

and them FU oh AR what are you getting

so grumpy about because you get up my

goat you do wrong F I get your goat I

don't get up your

[Music]

goat I'll get up your

nose or on your Wick you do all three

come off come here come here you haven't

told me yet have you I'm not going to

now I'm not in the mood oh come on Lenny

this is a lovely cup of tea you made me

come

on nicest cup of tea you've ever made me

Lizzy cuz usually you're stew it but

never again never again will I make you

a cup of tea or fry you an egg or

nothing well have you fried me egg ever

no well could you poach it I've G on

Friday you make it almost impossible for

me to be nice to you you

do I'm sorry Len I'm sorry all right

I'll behave G you just sit down get it

off your chest come

on look

look I may not be the most desirable of

son-in-laws true but

way fact remains I am marrying your

daughter on Saturday and ingred and I

have been at loggerheads about your role

at this wedding because as father the

bride you should be giving her away who

else no no one else no one else just

that we got a bit of a

problem a and you be in two places at

once what do you know who you been

talking to nobody only Ingrid well what

do you mean by that then well only that

as well as giving her

away I would like you to be my best

man your best

man yeah see I've got no friends of me

own age

Fletch I mean used to have but prison

changed all that you know half of them

didn't want to know and the other half

are still inside

themselves well anyway I I said to

myself I said I said Lenny I said who's

been closest to you over the last year

or so and the truth is it's you FX

I mean you got me through stir didn't

you I mean you've been me mate Miss s me

Mentor Father Figure in some ways

father-in-law soon to

be I've always admired you Fletch I

always respected you in the nick but

nothing like I respect you now you're

going

straight I mean it's been tough for you

Fletch tougher for you than for me

because well I'm younger than you and

I've got Ingrid's love to sustain me

but what you're doing now

well well anyway what we thought was

with your say so was that if you

accompanied Ingrid on your arm as Father

of the Bride and then at the appropriate

moment changed over to my side with the

ring in your

pocket

okay you sure you haven't thought this

up with some sort of economy

measure I know you hung up about not

paying your whack but well so would any

father of a bride be like that if only

you hadn't rust headlong into things I

mean I could have dealt with it all if

only you'd waited 5

years well we know that flch but if you

agree to what we say your contribution

to this wedding will be a Rudy site more

than paying some catering

bill I

see so is it on

then yeah don't see why

not

great well I'll be off then

Lenny yeah I'm not the saint you think I

am you

know well none of us are is

we I'm I'm I'm glad I'm glad you're

marrying my

daughter

pun I said I'm glad you're marryed

my I'm sorry F you didn't quite catch

it I'm glad you bleed and marry my

daughter a p off to Wy will

you how's it going done

Fletcher you tell me Dave I'm supposed

to finish at 12:00 what do now took him

a bit longer to get through than they re

you through from where the shop next

door apparently they had a problem with

the alarm circuit and all I've had to

feed a meter twice what' you want to do

put in for expenses no no I'm just

saying that's all wouldn't do to get

towed away at this point would it get a

blanket at Alpha Tango

over Alpha Tango over Alpha Tango this

is Casablanca we would estimate revised

Point of Departure to be, 1400 hours

1,400 hours what's that in English 2:00

in

it relay this message to transport

please over message received and

understood over and

out I thought you said they got planes

to catch there's no point in getting on

the plane without the spond dox is that

meticulous go on then ring transport all

right

morning Fletch h Hello Sergeant you're

looking very

Spruce yeah I'm going to my daughter's

wedding this morning see nice day for it

yeah where's she getting married Mar

Will registry obviously oh what you

doing in these parts then um I I've um

I've come about the present you see what

present

the the puppy funny sorder of present

yeah yeah well uh well she's always

wanted one you know what I mean and uh I

have to collect at the last minute cuz

you can't hi a puppy like you can hide a

tea service you know what I

mean which one is

it uh it's uh uh it's through the back

they're uh they're gift rapping him like

you

know yeah come to think of it what are

you doing around these parts oh was

bring the wife shopping on Saturdays oh

well uh don't let me detain you

than

[Music]

you Dy to the Char brought by this cour

and it is now my duty to pass

s can I help you

sir can I help you

sir can I help you sir I no

no only I can do that

count me out Dave right you what I'm off

you can't do that I'm doing it look I'm

not letting anybody down the job's da

over I've been fairly Superfluous anyhow

you quit now you don't get paid I don't

care I don't want to get paid you can

have my sh I don't want a penny of it

I'm off to my oldest wedding

hello uh you do have a best man uh yeah

he's coming and who's giving you away

Miss

Pletcher he's coming too they're coming

together oh they are now

[Music]

sorry I'm

right room please

stand this place in which we now met

Fletcher to witness the I ing re

Fletcher do take the Leonard Arthur Goda

so take the Leonard Arthur Goa to be my

lawful wited husband to be my lawful

wait did

Aspen Leonard Arthur godber and ingred

Rita Fletcher you have both made the

Declarations prescribed by law and have

made a solemn and binding contract with

each other in the presence of the

witnesses here assembled you are now man

and wife

[Music]

together will you now please be seated

while the register is sign

so the magistrate said well you only

find me five Shillings he said I know

there's too much of this cycling out

lights it's a second case we' had this

morning hey what are you doing here I

thought you flattered off on your

honeymoon FL was delayed I warned you

didn't I I warned you where's ingred and

it made her stay at home is it your

night out Saturday or what

she's in the ladies oh yeah we'll be

away soon enough I found out where

lanzerotti is oh where is that Canary

Islands where's

that forgot to ask

that won't make much difference to you

too though will it I hey speaking of

caneras why did you bring a caged bird

to my

wedding I'll tell you if you don't tell

ingred if you don't tell anyone at all

right I received this proposition you

see what at your age

no I'm talking about skull

duggery oh Fletch all right let me

finish I didn't go to distance I was in

his pet shop you see what were you doing

in there I was in there never mind I was

in there and I saw all these animals

little hamsters and guinea pigs and

birds and puppies all behind bars just

like we was just like we swore we'd

never be again Lynn right that's when I

come to me

senses so you didn't no no I'm clean

just matter of fact I think the boys got

away with it I didn't see anything in

the stop press it's ironical that is it

the perfect job is the one you opted out

of yeah well I don't give a rats I'm

well out of that I'm going to get a

taste for Freedom I'm best bitter and

all a living without guilt lot to be

said for that you know of course in my

job I'm living without a lot of other

things and all but there you are we're

winning

Fletch we're

winning nose is in front son

yeah there's Mrs godber

[Music]

my hey what are you going to do with

that bird well as soon as you left us

I'm going to ask her back to my oh

she oh the other bird oh I've already

done that yeah that's the reason I

bought it I set it free in a garden a oh

symbolic act yeah I you saw me and you

in that bird and you gave it that most

precious of gifts Freedom yeah well

don't get carried away Sunny Jim 2

minutes later that big cat from next

door

[Music]

ready on going straight am straight as

an

[Music]

arrow the price and

time I'm going straight I am

right and narrow and on St back you

[Music]

[Applause]