Original subtitles

[Music]

I'm going straight. I'm straight as an

arrow. I'll pay the price and just

time. I'm going straight. I am but

straight and narrow and I don't think

straight back to

[Music]

crime. All right, Mr.

Aroy Norman,

please come in. Have a tea. You're going

to have your work cut out with him. Who?

Akroyd. Do you know him? Yeah, I met him

in here last week. He's off his rocker.

You know,

he said to me last week on the nose 4:00

Sedgefield, Lady of the Lake, bleeding

horse fell at the water jump.

You have enough money to fritter on

horses, do you? No. No. I didn't say I

bet upon the horse, did I? No, no, no.

Heaven forend. No, I'm just saying his

advice is idiotic.

What's he done in here? None of your

business. Oh, I thought we had a feeling

of trust and confidence between us, you

and me. Not when it comes to breaking a

confidence of one of my other clients.

Oh, all right. Please be joyful. Please

be joyful. I shall find out down the

Black Lion any. So, you have enough

money to fritter on drink, do you? No,

no, no. Now I go into the black lion to

purchase my favorite potato crisp. Smoky

Mountain Bacon flavor. Rice 7P. I know

it's frivolous, but we only live once,

don't we? I will say one thing for our

departed friend. He's managed to hold

down a job for 11 weeks now. Oh, yes. I

thought that come up. I thought you'd

bring that up. What job? Doesn't matter

what job. Yes, it does. What job? He's

an assistant parkkeeper. Ah, well, he's

probably got the qualifications in he,

eh? I mean, he's probably got a

university degree. Know what I mean? I

mean, it takes a keen mind, doesn't it,

eh? To oil the

swings to check the radius of the holes

in the putting green every week. It

doesn't take a keen mind, Norman. Just

the willingness and the guts to sick at

what you're offered. Oh, yeah. This

ain't sugar, is it? It's not stirred. I

thought it wasn't.

Have you got any of those

uh Have you got any of those Lincoln

creams left?

Can I say something to you, Norman? Can

I say something to you? They're

Osbornes.

You have a very low opinion of other

people. No, I don't. I just have a low

opinion of Osborne. That's all.

You smoke too much, you know. I know.

Your husband got a job yet? Not yet.

Well, that is tragic. I mean, cuz he has

got qualifications, any You'll be better

off trying to place him rather than me,

you know. I mean, no one's going to do

me a favor, are they? Who want to? Eh,

would you rather still be doing

porridge? No. No. But at least when I

was doing porridge, I had a goal. You

know what I It was called getting out.

It kept you going. It was sufficient

unto itself. But now I am out. Well,

it's a bit of a let down. You know what

I mean? But you've coped with it before.

It's not the first time you've come out.

No, but it's the first time I've gone

straight. Is it eh? Previously, I've

always been looking forward to a bit of

skull dugy. And I mean, you have a

purpose in life, don't you? Not to get

caught.

Even if you're not doing anything at the

moment, you're always planning that

little jackpot around the corner, aren't

you? Eh, all sitting around the kitchen

table of an evening, me and the lads,

few bottles of pale ale, fish and chips,

stinky toys. You know what I mean? What

are the dinky toys for? Well, you know,

one for the getaway car, one for the

baby.

You were never in that league. No, no,

but you can dream, can't you? Pipe

dreams, maybe, but it kept you going.

Look, you have more resilience than

most. I know you can stick at a job if I

can find you one. I've already been in

touch with some of our voluntary

associates. Oh, don't bother. Don't

bother. I mean, I know they mean well,

but all these dogooders, they're all the

same, aren't they? They all read a

Guardian, don't they? And they all

support abortion law.

reform. They all live in Amsterd.

They're all philanthropist in the pub

Sunday lunchtime, aren't they? It's a

very sweeping and stupid generalization

about a group of people who want to help

and do help people like you to help

yourself. They helped Nasha Kelly to

help himself. He helped him to the

office typewriters, didn't he?

I bet they'd like to call him a few

names after that. Trouble was, they

couldn't cuz he prints a swear box and

all.

All right. All right. What's your

alternative? Would you rather sit on

your backside around the kitchen table

playing with your dinky toys?

No. If you put it as succinctly as that,

I suppose I wouldn't. No. No. No. I'm

nothing if not a realist.

Lorman, I understand your problems. Now,

you've decided to take a certain route

in life, and you've come up against a no

entry sign. You feel impotent. Leave my

sex life out of this, please. I'm not

talking about sex. I'm talking about

work. But the two are comparable. You

feel impotent because you're not

functioning as a man. And the best thing

I can do for you is to fix you up with a

good, solid job. Oh, that's the best

thing you can do for me. That's a pretty

Because if I had a choice, I'd soon have

a bit of the other. Normally

[Applause]

[Applause]

Sorry, we have no rooms. Pardon? I

suggest you try the illreum two doors

down or failing that the Sussex on

Parade Street. No, no, I haven't come

about accommodation. I'll come see Mr.

Mchu and the owner. Why? I think that's

between him and me, don't you, miss?

Do you have an appointment? Yes. Name of

Fletcher? Yes. It's about a position.

Oh, the night porter's job. Well, it

says night security officer here. That's

right. Porter, just a minute. Uh, pardon

me. How do we get to Covent Garden?

Coffin Garden is Baloo line. Go through

the Piccadilly Circus. Change on the

Piccadilly line through the to Garden.

Oh, change a Piccadilly circus. That's

right. Get on to the Piccadilly line.

There's two stops. Leicester Square and

Covent Garden. Thanks. American, are

you? Uh, Canadian. Toronto. Oh. Oh,

lovely. Yes. All that scenic grandeur.

Yes. The Great Plains, the Rockies at

dawn, ice hoppy in the evening. Lovely.

Thanks. Bye. Bye. You'll like Copper

Garden. Finest fruit and vegetable in

the world. Yeah,

[Music]

the market isn't in Covent Garden

anymore. It's in Line Elms Battery.

Where have you been for the last few

years? Canada.

Oh, Mr. Mchuan, this man says he has an

appointment with you. Oh, Mr. Fletcher,

is it? Yeah. Oh, do come

for miss. It's bitter eye, isn't it?

Yeah. Mind is pretty parky in here,

isn't it?

Yes. Yes. I could put that gas fire on,

but you see I'm in and out all morning.

I put a cardigan in here somewhere. Oh,

don't bother. Say it probably wouldn't

fit me anyhow.

I meant for me. Oh, for you? Yes, that's

right. I feel it more than most. I spent

my early years in Africa and a land as

they then called it. Of course, it's now

Malawi. Yes. Yes. Everything's changed,

has it? So, yes, they got back to see

power station now, aren't they?

Yes. Now, I've spoken to Mrs. Chapman

about you. Well, she probably told you I

help out the probation service when I

can on a voluntary basis. Oh, yes. Where

would we be without you? Lots of a lot

of people, you know, think I'm asking

for trouble, quite frankly. But I've

never had cause to regret except on two

unfortunate occasions. Oh, dear. Oh,

well, don't worry, sir. I won't let you

down. Should you see fit, that is. Allow

me, sir. Oh, thank you very much. Uh,

thank you. Well,

now I may be oldfashioned in this day

and age, but I like to give my fellow

man the benefit of the doubt. Call it

instinct, call it experience, but I'm

generally able to assess a man. It was

the same in Africa. I had to hire

natives fresh from the bush. And

basically, I had to judge at a glance

whether these chapies were the sort who

would uh do an honest day's work or run

off with your livestock. But I never had

cause to regret except on too

unfortunate again. Oh dear. Well, don't

worry, sir. If you give me the break I

so sorely need, I promise I will not run

off with your livestock, sir.

Do sit down. Thank you, sir. Come over

here. All

right. See that? It's a Rolloland, is

it? Sir, that Oh, that's a chub, sir.

A wall safe. Wall safe. Yes, sir. The

keys are in that drawer. Oh, yes. In

that drawer. They'll be there every time

you're here on your own. Not that a

chappie with your experience would

probably need geese. Eh, clickity click.

Open sesame. What? Uhhuh. Yes, I see. So

you are trying to demonstrate your trust

in me. Yes, that's very nice, sir. But I

would be rather an wouldn't I, to turn

you over. I mean, it wouldn't need no

pare to finger the prime suspect, would

you? Exactly. And you have more to lose

than most. Oh, yes. Yes. I don't worry.

I won't blow the job. No, I quite like

the idea of it actually. Yes. Hotel

management. I mean, it could lead to

higher things, couldn't it? I mean,

Charles 40 had to start somewhere,

didn't he? And it's warmer than being a

night watchman on a building site. Just

very well then. Start tonight. Oh yes.

Hours are 11 till 7:00. I'll show you

where everything is. We keep the front

door locked after midnight. So anyone

later than that will have to ring. And

anyone registering after that will have

to pay for a night's board in advance.

So you'll be handing cash. Cash? Yes,

sir. Yeah. Come along then. Time and

tide, etc., etc. Yes, sir. Pamela, this

is Mr. Fletcher. Fletcher, this is

Pamela. Pamela. Oh, and one thing I

forgot. Have you got a dark suit? Black

or navy blue? Uh oh. Doesn't that go

with a job, Lson? Well, we've got one,

but your predecessor didn't have your

statue. Besides that, when he left, he

took it with him. That and my portable

fan heater. Oh, dear. Dear. And you need

one of those more than most, I think.

Don't you?

Gary, you know my philosophy. And it's

not going to change just because of one

or two regrettable incidents. Oh, dear.

Don't worry, sir. I have a suitable

suit. It's the one I go to court in,

Miss Actually, or used to. I think you

should know that I've lately been

released from one of her majesty's

prisons. Well, I really didn't think

you'd been in Canada. You know the

score, Pamela. You know my policy. Judge

not, lest you be judged. Yes, Mr.

Mchuan. If we don't show trust, etc.,

etc. Yes, Mr. Mchuan.

Just wait here. Tick Fletcher, would

you? Just need to check over a couple of

things.

Famina, can you come through, dear?

Graham, stop it.

No, Graeme. Alice there.

Oh, no. It's Brian. Yeah, I've only been

away a week. I knew it was you. You're

laughing. I think I heard you parking

your Arctic. Give us a kiss then. That's

not very romantic. Well, I ain't got

time to be romantic. Well, that's a pity

cuz I got a night stopover. Have you?

Yeah. Don't have to be back till 2:00

tomorrow. Means a lying and everything.

Not now. It

don't cuz I'm fixing my dad's thermos.

Thermos?

He's got a job. Fletcher's got a job

in a hotel night security officer. Oh,

porterite.

Don't call it that cuz he's a bit

prickly about his status cuz you know

it's not the most dignified job in the

world. A bit lonely, I should think. Not

much more to do than read magazines and

clean shoes. Well, I hope he sticks at

it. Could be a turning point in his life

and ours. Wow. Got the ass to ourself at

nights.

Denny, you're almost thinking of

yourself.

You're not wrong, though, are you?

Wait, never mind all that. Take your

hand off my daughter's left cheek,

please.

[Music]

Hi, Dad. Look, Len's here. Oh, yeah. Oh,

yeah. Don't seem he's never not here.

Every time I walk in the room, he's got

some part of your anatomy in the palm of

his hand.

How are you, Fletch? Give them a rub up,

would you, love? Well, I don't see why I

should. I mean, that's what you're going

to be doing all night at work in.

Exactly. That's why I don't want to do

me own. I got some pride in I said, "How

are you, Fletch?" I heard you, copper. I

heard you. Night stopover, is it? Oh,

that reminds me. The sofa has collapsed.

The legs come off. Oh, that's Lenny's

fault. You know, stay in the night.

Don't blame him. I don't see how three

cushions with a blanket over it can

break the sofa.

I don't know what you mean, Dave. Yes,

you do. We all sort of repeat the

coldest, didn't we?

All I'm saying is keep off it. I mean

the sofa. I mean till I put the leg back

on. Either that or saw the other three

off it.

Any tea

about what's funny about that? This job

then? What? Milestone isn't it? What do

you mean? Thermos.

What? Well, it must be your first

legitimate job in how long is it?

Ever. Straight up. You've never had a

job before in your life. No. Not unless

you count the army. Which we don't cuz

it was on the fiddle even then. Do you

know when I was a nipper all me party

dresses was made out of parachute suits.

You wouldn't have complained if you'd

ever fallen out of a window, would you?

I never realized that you'd never

worked. I didn't think anybody at your

age had never worked. Yes. Yes. There's

two of us. Me and the Duke of Edinburgh.

Just shows how difficult it is to change

the habits of a lifetime, doesn't it?

Well, I was just saying to Lenny, all

credit to you. Yeah, I know it's not

much of a job, but what can you expect?

I mean, when I decided I was going to

work, I sat down. I thought I'll work

out all my qualifications that I've

earned over the years in chronological

order. See, do you know what they boil

down to? One driving

license. 45 years on this earth. That's

all I got. One driving license. Even

that's got two endorsements. You want to

get a driving job like me? You know, I

love it. The open road and there's no

gaffers breathing down your neck. I was

thinking of getting on to juggernauts.

There's a lot of money there. No, you're

not. Well, there's a lot of money there,

you know, for us like Oh, no you're not.

I know what she's worried about. She's

worried about you steal a she with all

the frines and the senorita. All willing

to ease the loneliness of the

long-distance lorry driver, ain't they?

Come on, Fletch. In trust me. Yeah, but

as much as I trust me, Dad.

You what? I didn't mean it that way. You

meant it exactly that way. Oh, didn't it

just come out? Well, I just come out,

didn't I? Just come out to me. And

that's the sort of attitude I'm up

against. I thought at least in my home

it will be it would be a refuge from all

this mistrust and cynicism I keep

facing. But apparently I was wrong. Now

don't you get on your ass with me cuz

you you can't blame this family for

being a bit skeptical. Over the years

whenever that front doorbell went, we

never knew whether it was a neighbor or

the law come to call you. Over the years

is behind me now. I'm talking about now.

Oh yeah. Well, it was only two weeks ago

when you was off to the wilds of Essics

with a shovel in your hand. Let me go in

the lorry. Don't leave on my account.

I'm the one that's going, mate. Well,

there's no point in going now, Dad. Your

job don't start till 11. I'm not sure

I'm going to show up at all to the job.

You think it's the best job in the

world, do you? Eh, you think it's

marvelous? Clean the shoes of of

bleeding commercial travelers. I tell

you, I only took this job to prove a

point to my family. And obviously, the

point is now pointless. So, what's the

point, eh?

Shouldn't have spoken to your dad like

that.

Don't tell me what I should or shouldn't

say in my own house. It's none of your

business.

I should have thought that what happens

in this house is my business. Not

really. It ain't. Oh well, until such

time it is. I shall I shall go

elsewhere.

Do it yourself.

Got a nice bed and breakfast somewhere.

You won't have any trouble, I'm sure.

Well, say good night then. Good night,

then. All

right. Good night then.

Not.

You know where to find me. No, I don't.

Do I?

Oh, no you don't. No, no. What?

What? What was I know where to find you?

Should do all the free nights you've

had, dear.

Well, I'll be on me way then.

Can I be going then?

Suit yourself.

I haven't eaten, you know, not since

Coventry.

You can always get a meat pie down the

black line.

[Music]

Have your fledge. Thank you, El.

I want the whistle. Oh, yeah. Very

smart. Been in court, have you?

Oh, you're here.

Where? Per, please.

Two Mc Pies. Not at night. Peanut. Yeah.

[Music]

What are you doing here then? Felt like

a drink, didn't I? Nah. Napp, I know

what you two get up to the minute I'm

out the house. Yeah, normally.

Yeah, but we had a tiff. Tiff? What

about What about you? At least I think

it was about you. Not too sure what it

was about really. Yeah. Arguments are

seldom about what they appear to be

about, are they? I mean, an argument is

really two people in search of an exit

line, is it? Well, you certainly made

hasty exit. Yeah. Well, I felt like it.

Thought you might be needing these.

[Music]

Well, you can hardly start a new job in

your carpet slippers, can you? You got

to make a decent impression. I told you

I'm not going to start a new job. Don't

be ded. No. What I said in the house, I

meant I only took that job to prove a

point to my family. That's all. Look,

what was said in the house was said in

the ear to the moment. I mean, like

Ingred, she didn't mean what she said.

Yes, she did. No, she didn't. Yes, she

did. No, she didn't. Yes, she did. Look,

all I'm saying, don't change the

subject, did she? Or didn't she? Look,

the point I'm trying to make Oh, you're

making a point. There is a point to all

this, is Alf. Yeah, same again. Uh, not

for me, thanks. I didn't mean you, did

I?

Look, Ingred was upset with me because

she was upset with herself about being

upset with you. God, you sound like the

prison shrink. You do. Let me put it

another way. You can put it where you

like, mate. All I'm saying is that

Ingred said what she thinks and what she

thinks other people think and all. You

know, Fletcher, you've got a very low

opinion of people. You know, you're the

second nosy parker's told me that today.

Well, this bloke has given you the job.

He expects you to turn up on time,

sober. Stuff the job. Not you, Al.

85p. 85p. Right. Well, it looks like you

do need a job if your test turned to

double scotches. Am I asking you to pay

for them?

Neil's a

quiddling. I'm not taken in. You know

what? pull this storming out of the

house and your carpet slippers because

ingred upset you. The real reason is cuz

you've lost your nerve. Now, just a

minute. Now, look, first honest job

you've ever had and you just can't face

it. Now, look then, there's something I

haven't told you about myself. You see,

I am

actually allergic to

work. Look, I am physically allergic to

work. You may smile. No, but I mean,

people have allergies, don't they? Hey,

cats or carpet fluff or camel hair.

Well, well, me is work. I promise you if

I went through with his job by tomorrow

morning I I'd have terrible migraine and

I'd have big red blotches all over me

body cobblers. No, no, that's a m you're

mixing up.

Now doubt this medical science will one

day come up with a cure. But until then,

I think it's best to play it safe. Don't

you? Look, you can believe that if you

want to, but other people won't be

fooled. But if you want to fool

yourself, fine. Listen, I'm fed up with

all these sermons, Len. I'm fed up with

all this advice and encouragement. Will

you just go and make it up with Ingrid

and get on with whatever you get on with

and leave me here to get quietly brahms

and list. Do you mind here? That's six I

owe you.

Excuse me. I'm sorry, miss. We have no

vacancies. I suggest you try the elfloom

two doors down. No, I I don't want a

room. I'm looking for a Mr. Fletcher.

Well, we all are, aren't we?

I'm miss daughter

Ingred. He's my dad.

I must say, young lady, I thought your

father would have showed up a little

early on his first night. Oh, he will.

But he hasn't. Oh, no. But he was he was

going to if he I if he if

he if he hadn't forgotten these. He left

them in ever such a good time. See? But

uh what obviously must have happened was

uh he was on the bus when he says to

himself, "Oh dear, I have forgot my

supper." So he he must have knit back

home, not knowing that meantime I've br

ever so keen about the job, Mr. uh

Mchuan.

McKuan is a best suit and that and

lovely polished shoes and he was saying

to me, you know, uh what a really nice

man you were giving him a chance and

that

I was about to ring his probation

officer. What's her name? Mrs. Chapa.

Oh, no. Don't do that. I give him a

chance. You see, I tell them all benefit

of the doubt, etc., etc. But when I say

start at 11, I do mean at 11.

You understand my point of view, don't

you? Cuts both ways, doesn't it? Well,

it's not quite 11:00, is it? As I said,

I thought it'd be early first night.

That's why I let her go. I let my girl

go. Said I'll hold the fort. I'm late

for my supper.

Would you like to come, man?

There it is. Right on time. Let go my

arm. You're out of my arm. L moral

support. Anyway, if I let go you, you'd

scar. Look, I'm not drunk. I'm not going

to fall down.

Got give me them

shoes. Goes against the grain. Does you

know going to

work here? How's my breath?

[Music]

Think you ought to have another polo.

Keep the old packet.

How do I look? Immaculate. Well, I don't

feel it.

Hey, you know what this reminds me of?

Do you ever see that film on the

waterfront? Yeah, but has it any

relevance? Well, don't you remember the

ending? And the priest picked Marlon

Brando up and said, "Go on, you can do

it. You can walk to work on your own."

And Eva Marie Saint watched with tears

in her eyes. Yeah. What have I got? Lena

Marie gobble with a smirk on his

face. Marlon Brando ain't done so bad

since then. He's gone from strength to

strength. All right, here I go then.

Come on. Come

[Music]

on,

heat.

[Music]

Heat. Heat.

[Music]

Dad

Angry, what are you doing here? I brown

your sandwiches, which is what you came

back for, which is why you cut it some

fine, didn't you? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm

sorry about that, Mr. Mchuan. That's all

right, Fletcher. I was a little worried.

I said to your daughter, "But all's

well, etc., etc. Now, are you sure you

know where?" Yeah. You showed me the

ropes this afternoon, didn't you, sir?

Yes. Go on. It's all right. You can

trudle off. Well, if you're sure, I'll

get upstairs and heat up my casserole.

Yeah. Nice to meet you, miss. Mutable.

Very suitable. Shoot. Thank you, sir.

Oh. Uh, don't forget any late

registrations. Oh, yes. And cash on the

on the nail, sir. Yes. Oh, and uh I

probably should mention um sometimes we

get ladies of the night. Oh, dear.

You'll be surprised. Oh, yeah. Probably

cuz they work around Paddington station,

don't they? That's right. They seem

mostly to solicit Welshman. Oh, really?

Yes. Well, that's cuz it's direct line

from Cardiff, is it? So, yeah. And they

don't get much of it down there, you

know. I'm I'm amazed they got any to

sing about at all.

Anyway, as I say, uh obviously none of

that. Oh, no, no, no. I won't bring any

in if you don't. So,

no. Well, would you like a polo? Oh, no.

You got your casserole, haven't you?

Yes. I'll tell you what. I'll leave you

one there for later on.

All right, sir. Sleep well. Thank you.

Good night, miss. Nice to meet you.

Mutual.

I didn't think you was going to make it.

Mutual.

I made you some nice sandwiches. Cheese

and chutney and and town with a little

pickle. Oh, good. We couldn't get any

pies down the black line. I love these,

darling.

D. I'm I'm sorry about what I said.

Think nothing of it. No, no, no. You had

every right. Listen, water under the

bridge, etc., etc., etc. Look, he's got

me at it now. Well, all I wanted to say

was that, you know,

I've got a job to do. I never thought

I'd hear you say them words.

No, neither did I.

Oh, that's made me feel quite faint.

You'll be all right, Dad. Yeah. All

right. Yeah. I love you and I'm ever so

proud of you, you know. Oh, Lord.

Good evening, sir. Oh, it's not, sir.

It's him. What do you want?

Want a room for the night? You what?

I've got nowhere else to go. As good a

place as any. Hello, Lane.

Hello, Ingred. And how are you keeping?

Never mind writing her a letter. If you

want if you want a room here, you've got

to put cash on them now. Oh, come on,

Fletch. You know me. Yeah, exactly.

That's why I want cas. I've got nowhere

else to go. Yes, you have. As well, you

know, Lenny, go. Do I? Of course you do.

Well, if you say so. Well, I do,

don't I?

Do you?

Told you.

Here, you've been drinking just enough.

Enough for what? You know, do I

[Laughter]

I hate to interrupt this little bit

here, but I have an important

announcement to make. Now, he can't

sleep in our house because the sofa's

broken. It It's collapsed. The legs come

off. And there's nothing else for him to

sleep on, is there? That's all right,

Dad. Don't worry. I mean, you're on

night work now. He can have your bed.

[Applause]

[Music]

Heat up

[Music]

[Music]

here. Heat.

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]