Original subtitles

All right, Jacob, this will just be a little pinch, and... No.

Oh, sorry,

but when you step on a rusty nail, you've got to get a tetanus shot.

I don't want it.

Mom, Dad, Jacob says he doesn't want the shot.

Yes, and we have to respect that. All right.

Oh, we do?

Our son has body autonomy.

All right, well, I'll just bolster this until you're ready, partner.

Sorry,

didn't break skin.

You know what? I did break skin, but no tetanus for me.

Nice. Put it to hang. Figure it out.

All right.

Hey, could you guys note on Jacob's chart that he has body autonomy? I don't

know if that's genetic or what.

Yeah, thanks.

Sure.

I didn't know Matt wore glasses.

Yeah, he said he slept in his contact.

They look nice, though. He looks hot.

Like a cute professor.

Yeah, he's like a boy Velma. And I'm into it.

Matt's kind of a snack.

Right, Serena? I don't know about a snack. It's just eyewear.

Holy moly. Have you guys seen Matt in glasses? He's a chihuahua. I know,

Maybe he'll make a move at happy hour tonight.

Yes, you gotta.

Bruce, chill. You chill.

Holly's life sucks, okay? This could be huge for her. The what?

Holly focused.

Ed, you gotta shoot your shot.

Go get that farm boy, Dee. Oh my God, stop.

Your baby's gonna be so cute.

Come on, it's just classic. We don't agree with you, okay? We all don't agree

with you. I think it's like the first time I've noticed his face.

Hey, Joyce, you wanted to chat?

Wow. Okay, what are we doing?

I'm multitasking.

You know, between the birthing center, planning a wedding, and, oh yeah,

a hospital, I gotta fit in my steps wherever I can. Walk with me.

Oh,

uh, you mean just stand here while you walk, or... Give it some movement so I

don't get motion sickness.

Ah, the electrician is on her way. Female electrician, very progressive.

I trust her about 5 % less, but that's on me.

Uh, Joyce?

What is a S'monday?

S'monday is the night between Sunday and Monday. And if I use my time wisely,

then I'm free and clear for Moo's day.

Okay. Come here, you.

Sweaty.

Alex, you were like a daughter to me.

Not my daughter, somebody else's. But still, I would be so happy if you would

part of my wedding to Sanderson.

Oh.

Joyce, I would be honored. That's so kind. Thank you. Yes, yes.

Thank God, because there are a lot of details and I need a type A stickler

you.

Oh, so like a wedding planner?

No, that's a job. This is an honor, like you said.

Hey, guys.

Any tips on tricking a little kid into doing something they don't want to do?

Here's a tip. Don't phrase it like that, you perv. Oh, there's a kid in 104 who

refuses to take his shot. You just made your first mistake by ceding power to a

kid. He just really doesn't want to take the shot.

Yeah, but he really needs a shot. Now, I know your favorite food is fish sticks,

but you're the adult in the room. They're fish strips, and I just don't

that kid respects the adult -child dynamic.

Matt. I have seen it all. I have dealt with biters, pinchers, screamers,

manipulators. Guess who always winds up on top?

Biters? No, Matt. Me.

Come on. Let's go stab a child.

Okay. Oh, isn't that wild? The new St.

Dennis power couple, Matt and Holly. Oh, we can call them Molly.

We'd have to change Molly's name, but I'm fine with that. No one's calling

Molly. No? What about hats?

But then what do we call hats? I guess we call them hollies. I mean, I'm just

excited. I don't know. Matt with Holly? It seems kind of random.

Oh, okay. Secret Holly hater.

What is it? Her voice? Her hair?

The way she pronounces it, especially?

No, Holly's fine.

I just don't see Matt going for her.

Huh, interesting.

Okay, uh, Charisse?

For Matt?

Oh, okay.

So, you'd prefer Matt to go for, like, more of a Serena type?

What? No.

No, it wasn't what I'm saying at all. So, just to recap, when Matt was

on you, you weren't interested. But now that Holly wants him, it's hands off my

man.

Very vampire diaries.

Oh, my God. Stop trying to get me to watch that show.

No, I don't care if Matt gets with Holly. I just don't see them as a match.

If I see a pelican dating a hippo and I go, that's weird, it's because it's

weird. It doesn't mean I want to fuck the hippo.

Sounded weird.

Okay, so first thing on the to -do list, we need to decide DJ or band.

Oh, Sanderson said that DJs weren't around during Viking time.

Sorry, why is that relevant? Oh, that's our theme. Sanderson wanted a Norse

Viking wedding.

Is he part Viking? No, no, he just likes them.

And that theme's like locked in then?

Yes. Uh, this was one of Sanderson's non -negotiables, along with Chaplain Steve

officiating in a no -elderly policy.

Plus, we already got our engagement photos taken.

Oh, wow.

That, look at that.

That's so beautiful. Why is he, why is he digging?

Oh, he's burying an offering to the land spirits. We didn't have a whole goat,

so, you know, we just used some old hot wing bones.

Sure, I think that was smart.

At the hospital, Joyce is a headstrong woman. But sometimes in relationships,

have trouble asserting ourselves and we need an advocate.

Like how I had Serena tell Tim he had to stop wearing bowling shirts.

It had to happen. That was not the man I married.

Um, Joyce, isn't there anything that you want?

Eh, I had some ideas. You know, my family's lake house would have been

a spring wedding. But Sanderson's doing all the heavy lifting, so who am I to

argue? You're the bride. According to Sanderson, bride captive is more

historically accurate.

Okay, Jacob, the doctor is in.

Now, here's what we're going to do. We're going to roll up that sleeve.

in my bubble sleep. Oh, let's be polite, Jacob.

But... Yeah, you were in his bubble space.

I'm in his what?

We respect Jacob's bodily autonomy.

There's a bubble of space around him that he's in charge of.

You have one, too.

Okay, Mom, Dad, you want to hold him down so we can knock out this shot?

Oh, we're really not okay with that.

We've decided on a gentle parenting approach.

Well, you can hold him down gently if you like. He may buck.

That's not the way it works anymore.

Seems like Jacob's in charge, so you might want to go through him.

I'm so excited to be working with you guys. This wedding is going to be fire.

Did you get a chance to look over my website?

Oh, yeah. We'd like to go with the Amore package.

Smart. You save a lot by bundling vows, personal anecdotes, and roast -style

jokes. Oh, I'm not sure that we want to be, you know, roasting anybody at the

wedding. Is that right, Joyce?

Hmm? Whatever. I mean, I could let you preview the jokes before the day, but

you'd have to upgrade to my all -access tier, Amore+. Ooh!

Then we can bank more Amore points. They roll over, right?

Sorry, roll over into what?

Well, the wrong I -9s were sent to the entire department. This is a disaster.

The rat race. No, thank you.

Now, brass tacks wise, I see that instead of English, you've opted to

your vows in Old Norse. Joyce, is that something that you want? Do you want to

be speaking Viking at your wedding?

Viking is the ethnicity.

Problematic.

You know what? She's right.

This is a hassle, Sanderson. No, we are going to deliver our vows in the

language we already speak, which is English. But that would cost me her

which means sadness. And I'm fine with that. Okay, English then. Okay, great. I

just thought of a great Rose joke.

All right, check this out.

Here we find a very rare species, the Narsius Thirstius.

She's in her natural habitat doing...

Whatever nurses do. But what is she distracted by?

Ah, the male nurse.

Weak and pale, his spectacles make him irresistible to the female in heat.

What are you doing, freak?

We've spooked her.

An outburst of hostility like this when threatened is typical for the... Hey!

Dude! That almost hit my eye.

And then Joyce will carry the O -thing stone, and we'll circle each other 15

times. Now, it's very heavy, so I think she should be wearing a back brace. No,

we're not doing that.

But it's too heavy without a back brace. No, the O -thing stone, it's stupid.

Get rid of it. Love this.

The push and pull. Marriage is about compromise, and you guys are doing

Joyce has her must -haves, like, you know, speaking English. And, Sanderson,

still have your long -row ceremony. No, we're not doing that either.

What? I already hired the archer. He's four foot two. It's going to be

hilarious. Okay, let's move this along. Give me that marker.

So, in terms of payment, credit card works best. I'm banned from Venmo right

now. Apparently certain emojis count as harassment.

Okay, no. A milk bath to wash away my maidenhood? I have been with five

different men and I am tired of denying it.

Every kid is different. And when you've been doing this as long as I have, you

realize you have a variety of tools at your disposal.

And this is helpful for me to see, because back home, kids just did what

told. That's actually nice.

And if you ever lost your hat, you had to live under a blanket until your

knitted you a new one. I think that's fine.

So, Jacob, you know, there was this other guy that didn't want to take his

tetanus shot, and his arms and legs folded in permanently. They call him

Man.

I love pretzels. Well, we all love pretzels. I know.

It's not about the pretzels, Matt. Now, this image I'm going to show you is a

bit graphic.

Oh, let's not do that. We try not to use fear as a motivator. Yeah, we don't

want to scare him.

Don't we, though?

Here's a fun option.

We have a cartoon about vaccines. Now, you see, Mr.

B, he's giving the kids shots by...

Stinging them? Who made this?

I'm not allowed to watch screens until after that.

Good call, Jake.

If it's not too much trouble, maybe you could make the point using Legos?

Well, I really hoped it wouldn't come to this, but you drive a tough bargain.

Oh, not the belt. A prize.

A delicious and outrageous bar.

The best candy is the best.

Take the shot. It's yours.

I want Nerd Clusters.

We don't have those.

I want nerd plusters.

You're not getting nerd plusters.

Okay. If I'm getting this all right, we have a simple, elegant ceremony at the

lake house with no jokes to each his own.

And there will also be a cake.

Great. Okay. If that's all set, then I'm... No. No cake.

What's wrong with cake? Cake is the best part about getting married.

Cake's pretty standard at a wedding, Julie.

I would rather shoot myself in the face than have a cake at my wedding. Oh, why

are those the options?

Literally his only thing left up here. Please, if not for me, then for our

guests. They're going to need a sweet treat at the end of the night.

Well, I guess we're at an impasse.

Well, you know what?

Then we'll go cake -less.

Because the only thing I need at my wedding is my JoJo. You are the

sweet treat.

I think the thing Joyce actually doesn't want at her wedding is...

Hey, you saw that 102 was discharged?

Yeah. And you heard that Matt and Holly cut?

What?

Oh, you hated that. I got your ass in 4K. This was blank.

You know what? Fine.

Matt's an attractive guy, and he looks really good in glasses. There.

Whatever. There you go.

Matt's a cutie patootie, and you like him. No, correction, you like him.

Of course I like him. He's one of my best friends. I love Matt.

Whoa. Whoa, no, no, no, no. I didn't mean it like that. Hey, hey, you don't

to say another word. The joke's over.

Wow. So, you love him. It's not like that, okay? Just... Leave me alone.

Ow! Keith!

What the hell?

Everyone's in my shit today.

Potty language.

Get the soap out.

Oh, I'm bleeding.

Okay, we bring out a cake that says congrats on the shot.

Matt. Then he'll have to get it. He's not going to eat a cake he doesn't

deserve. Existential day in the old ER, huh?

I'm dealing with a difficult kid.

Oh, it's not the kids. It's the parents.

Oh, yeah? What do you have?

Yellers, anti -vaxxers. We got a doctor in the family. Oh, it's worse. They're

gentle. Oh, no.

Gentle parenting?

It's a nice idea. Doesn't work, though. Thank you. What happened to a simple no?

Yeah, we tried gentle parenting when Ella was six. And after, like, a week,

had, like, Freddy Krueger fingernails. And she smelled like crap. And we were

all eating ice cream cake for dinner.

Finally, I just snapped.

And I was like, enough!

You were not in charge of the cake.

Enough. That's a good one. Now, my go -to was cut it out. Oh, I love cut it

Cut it out.

So when Michael was 10, he was still wetting the bed.

So I finally lost it, man. I was like, you better cut it out. You're too old

this.

I said, the next time you wet the bed, I'm going to take your wet sheets. I'm

going to hang them up so all your friends can see. They're going to laugh

and call you P -Boy. So cut it out.

Wait, did you actually say that to him?

Yeah.

You know, it's tough love.

Boundaries. He must have been so scared.

Oh, man, I'll say it like that. He stopped wetting the bed.

Picked up peeing all together.

Bruce, don't. Hey, hey, I come and pee.

You're eating spaghetti in the middle of the day. I wanted to see how you're

holding up. Everything's fine. I'm fine.

I don't care.

I'm not trying to date the guy.

Okay, good. Great.

I think that's for the best. Right.

Wait, what do you mean?

Well, it's just, I worry about Matt.

He's fragile, innocent. He's like a baby deer wobbling on his newly formed legs.

You're, well...

The way you are. The way I am. No, it's a compliment.

In dating, there are sharks and there are minnows.

Matt and Holly, minnows.

You, great wife.

Sorry, great Asian -American.

I'm just saying that Matt would gleefully swim into your jaws and you

chomp him up, poop him out. He'd never be the same Matt again.

That's kind of insulting and weird. What? No, it's a power.

You're like me and I'm the person I respect most. See, sharks like us.

Yeah, we don't do relationships.

We chomp and poop.

That's in our nature.

Right.

I'm not a shark. I've had plenty of normal, healthy relationships that just,

like, ended after a few weeks.

And nobody got hurt.

Well, a couple of them got hurt.

I'm not a shark.

Hey, bud.

It's Dad.

No, the router's still working.

You were right. It was just unplugged.

Listen, you probably don't remember this, but when you were little, you had

minor bedwetting problem, and... You

do?

All right, I didn't...

Jacob, I'm sorry for being harsh earlier. It's just that I care about you

getting better. And sometimes us as parents, we may think we know what we're

doing, but maybe we don't.

Maybe sometimes we don't.

Mommy, who's that up in the sky?

It's me, Hospital Man.

It looks like the evil Professor Tetanus has you in his clutches. Quick, eat

these power... Neuroclusters.

Neuroclusters, yes. I'll finish him off with my syringe of justice, I guess.

Fine, you can give me the shot.

I summon the leagues of medicine.

Pediatrics, orthopedics.

I think two leagues is fine. All right, I'm going to give you the shot now.

All right, ready?

Hey, Joyce. Oh, we're back on the thing.

Good.

I just, you know, wanted to check in. You all right? I am terrific. I got

everything I wanted, and now we're done planning, so it totally opens up my

Friday. Oh, your calendar thing. That's great.

Okay. Yeah, just, you know, wanted to make sure you're happy with everything.

Why wouldn't I be? I got everything I wanted. Now we can finally concentrate

the next part of our lives together, which will be forever.

Yeah, that's the plan. Just me and him.

Okay, Joyce.

Something is going on with the heat in here, isn't it?

It's like itching. I think the air is actually fine.

Clothes are getting, like, tight and prison -like.

Are you getting that? No.

You know, you don't actually look well. Well, I feel fine. I just can't breathe.

I think you're having a panic attack. Just step off the treadmill. It is not a

treadmill. It is a portable walking pad.

Oh, my God.

You have a walnut -sized lump. No laceration.

BP's coming down.

How's your sleep been?

Pretty awful, but that's typical for me. Your diet, any changes?

Your bowel movements, are they healthy?

I mean, they're snowy, but... Yeah, that's kind of what they're known for. I

think I was just dehydrated, that's all.

Joyce, respectfully, I don't think this is about water, and I think you know

what I'm talking about.

Sanderson finally manned up, and he said I could have whatever I wanted.

But what I want does not include him.

Oh, well, that's a tough one. But if it's how you feel, I think you need to

to Sanderson.

It would destroy him.

He says that all the time. If you ever leave me, it will destroy me. It's part

of his good night.

I know it'll be rough, but sometimes saying the hard thing and, you know,

facing it, that's how we show someone we care about them.

You're very wise, Alex.

Thanks.

I have always hated your laugh.

I have to tone down how funny I am around you because it's just so grating.

That was hard, but I do feel so much better now.

Hey, bud.

No, router's good.

So, I cleared my weekend, and I am thinking maybe I come to Austin

for a little visit.

I think we have things to discuss.

Maybe a hug's in order?

That's good.

I really respect Joyce for making the hard decision.

No one likes hurting the people that we care about. But the thing about

relationships is it's bound to happen.

The kindest thing we can do is be honest.

No!

Please don't do this! At the end of the day, the thing about... I'm begging you!

I'm on my knees!

Please, my face is on...

Move, please!

I'll eat your trash!

Where's the poison?

Hey, want to ride with us to happy hour? Tap off drinks. And yeah, that applies

to lemonade.

I called.

Uh... Nah.

I have a ton of charting to finish.

You guys have fun, though.

Alright, I'll pour one out for you.

Oh, we have to get the buffalo cauliflower. It's especially good.

Or a wild woman.

Hey.

Know any engaged couples who need an officiant?

Just lost a client.

Keeping their retainer, but still.

Bummer, but no.

You going to this happy hour thing at O'Malley's?

I'll get you a drink.

Actually, why don't you just go to your place?

Yeah.

Cool. You can do that.