Original subtitles

The only thing I want for Christmas is just to keep the things

that I've got.

$35 bid and then a $30, $30. Will you give me $30? Make a $30 bid. I want a

Will you give me $30? Who will give me $30 bid?

$30 bid. Got a $30 bid and then a $35.

Will you give me $35? Make a $35. Will you $35?

Will you give me $35? A $35 bid.

Thirty -five dollar bidder, then a forty dollar footy, will you give me forty?

Make a forty bidder for a forty dollar, will you give me forty? Who will give me

forty dollar bid?

Forty dollar bid, what a forty dollar bidder, then a forty five, will you give

me forty? How to make it forty five, will you give me five? Sold that hog for

forty five dollar bid.

Now from the boy who went to school, there grew a man who played it cool.

You, uh, you ever been on a motorbike?

Oh, uh, no.

Never been with a biker, then?

Me? Biker? No.

Have you?

No.

Not my cup of tea.

So, uh, does your mum set you up with lots of guys?

No, she was the first.

Oh.

Lucky me.

I need a piss.

Coming?

Joking.

One more and then let's make a move.

Great.

Hi, what crisps do you have?

Ready, sorted, salt and vinegar, full cocktail?

I'll have one of each.

£4 .80.

Thank you.

One more?

Hello?

How was it, Cole?

You had a nice time?

Yeah, yeah.

Nice chap, isn't he?

Mm -hmm.

All right.

Night, darling.

Stockings at eight, okay?

what's his name um i didn't really uh you don't know his

name quite I didn't ask, Don. I can wait nearby if you want. It's fine. It's OK.

I'll take the dog.

It's not clean. I don't want to take the dog.

What normal person asks someone for a date on Christmas Day?

Well, maybe he's alone.

Yeah, maybe he's lonely.

Maybe I'll get my head bashed in or something.

Nonsense. Ignore your brother. It's an adventure.

Since when did Colin like adventures?

Well, I think a biker sounds exciting.

You can borrow your dad's leather jacket.

Holy night,

all is calm,

all is bright. Round yon virgin,

mother and child.

Beauty.

Oh bugger. Leave it.

Leave it.

What am I gonna do in here?

Whatever you want.

Ready. Hold up your hands.

Other way.

Oh.

Oh. I know this one, actually. So, uh... Ready?

Wow, you're strong.

Do you give? Do you give?

Yes, yes.

Sorry.

Down. Down.

Lick.

Like that, then, oh.

Oh, God.

Colin.

So if you don't mind a little walk, I saw a pub on my way here that's open

midnight.

I've got to go.

Here you go.

Yeah, of course.

Of course you do.

Sorry,

I was a bit... I was a bit hopeless earlier.

I guess like most things in life, it just takes a bit of practice.

Yeah.

Maybe... I could practice with you.

Um... I'm not around much, so... Ah. Yeah.

All right, then, Colin.

Merry Christmas.

Thank you.

Yeah, just about.

Told you that cold air would turn your throat inside out.

You having a nice time?

Nice chat?

Yeah.

Did you get yourself a boyfriend?

I don't think so, Mum.

I don't think he liked me that much. Of course he did.

Did you kiss?

I don't think that was any of your business.

Well, fair enough.

Right.

One more chocolate.

Wanker.

You got plans tonight?

Nothing.

Any news from that biker chap of yours?

He's not my biker, Mum.

Anything I can do to help?

I'm just following orders, ma 'am.

Excuse me?

Excuse me.

Hold on.

Do you sleep well at night?

Sorry, do I sleep well at night? Yeah.

I'm just following orders, ma 'am. Following orders?

If you want to appeal, there's a... Oh, I don't want to appeal. Come on, just

take your fucking ticket off.

Um... Hello?

Excuse me?

Um... Excuse me, we're not done yet. Well, if I leave early, yeah, if I leave

now... You're not going anywhere.

All right, I'll text you the address.

Are you deaf?

Uh, yeah, um, I shouldn't be long, so, um... Fuck you, you fucking prick!

Lovely. Go on, fuck off!

Yeah, OK, all right, tune in a bit.

Yeah.

Mm.

Cole? Yeah?

What about Niamh?

He doesn't need a present, Mum.

Soap. Some nice soap.

Gosh.

Pete? Um... Pete!

Are you talking that nice soap?

What? Are you talking that nice soap?

Gosh,

you're tall.

Um... Sorry, Peggy.

Peggy, Peter.

Nice to meet you. Ray. How do you do?

Time for a quick drink?

No, thank you. Not when I'm writing.

No, of course not. What was I thinking?

Good lad, yeah.

Well, something soft?

We'd better get going.

You don't sound local, Ray. Where's home?

Chislehurst.

Chislehurst? That's very nice.

I've never thought of Colin as a... chisel her sort of person.

Nah, he'll survive.

All right.

Come on then, Colin.

All right.

Oh,

right, right. Sorry to fuss, but you do have a spare helmet, yes?

Yes. Only he actually has to wear it. Dad.

Because he's not getting on without one.

He is not getting on without one.

Great.

Nice bike.

Plain black. No, it's neon crap. You see everywhere nowadays, don't you?

Colin? Yep.

Are you sure you know what you're doing?

Yeah, don't worry, Dad.

I'm not worried.

I rode a bike when I met Colin's mum.

And I sold it when twins come along.

Bought a very expensive pram.

I suppose you two need to worry about that.

No, I mean not yet anyway

His jacket might be a bit frat.

Bye.

There you go.

Oh, hello, Rosie.

Do you remember me?

Shut the door.

One second.

It's lovely flat.

Didn't think you'd have a piano.

No? No.

Don't seem like the sort.

So what sort do I seem like?

Oh, no, no, no. I meant it as a compliment, you know?

Why don't I show you where everything is and then you can make dinner?

Dinner?

Dinner.

I should say that I'm a bit of a lousy cook, but, you know, I can give it a go.

Have you lived here long then, Ray?

Pots and pans down there.

And, uh, yeah.

Something quick tonight.

Pots done.

Go easy on the chief.

Here we go.

Racing hero.

Yeah, here's good.

All right, we're good.

Nora.

Nora?

Do you snore?

Oh, no.

No, no, no. I'm not.

I'm not.

What's your bladder?

My bladder?

Are you going to wake me up running to the bathroom in the middle of the night?

Oh, see, no.

No.

I think my bladder's pretty good, actually.

Well, if you're quiet, you can sleep on the rug.

On the rug?

If not, you should go in the hallway.

Sorry if this is not to your liking.

I've no green stuff.

Do I pass then?

What do I get if I pass?

I didn't think it was going to hurt so much.

Should I finish you off?

No, I'm good.

Thanks for having me.

A lovely time.

There we are.

All right, then. I'll be off.

I'll come back before six.

If you do, you're left to wait outside.

Um, do you have, what, six today?

Oh, sorry, are you busy tonight?

Is there a booming market for Colin Smiths that I'm not aware of?

Well, no, but it's just... What?

Yeah, I'll see you at six.

I need you to pick up some things.

Here.

It takes you to a shopping list.

Yeah, OK.

You can keep these.

I don't need chocolate.

Well, of course you don't. I mean... Buy yourself a butt plug.

They're too tight.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Lovely. That sounds like a plan.

Bye, then.

Thank you.

That's him? Yeah.

That's your boyfriend?

Well, no, he's not my boyfriend.

We are... We have an arrangement.

How do you get a man like that?

Well, he says that I have an aptitude for devotion.

Where are you going?

What on?

Thank you.

Happy birthday, dear Colin.

Happy birthday to you.

Sorry.

Right. Hello?

Yeah, don't have problems.

Yeah, sorry, one second.

All right, see you in about an hour, then.

Sorry about that.

Oh, yeah.

Hey. Hey.

Everything OK?

Mm -hm.

So, when are we going to get to meet this Ray of yours, then?

You have, haven't you?

For half a second in the dark.

Three months ago.

Your mum used to parade me around town like a prized cow.

We're not that embarrassing, are we?

No, no, you're not. Right, well, let's get a date in the diary.

Sooner rather than later.

Having something nice for dinner?

Yeah, a potato dauphinoise.

Fancy. Is Ray a good cook, then?

I know I'm cooking. Ray doesn't cook.

Oh, right.

So he's making you buy and cook your own birthday dinner?

Yeah, I mean, I don't mind.

It's your birthday, Colin.

You should be spoiled rotten. If Ray can't cook, he could at least take you

somewhere nice.

Do you want to say something?

Actually, there was something.

I was wondering if maybe you might want to come have dinner with my parents

sometime.

Uh... At dinner with your parents?

Yeah.

And you'd like that?

Yeah, no, I mean, you know, they would.

Oh.

I don't think that's a very good idea.

Okay.

Sorry. Could you maybe be persuaded, you know? Could it be like a birthday

present, maybe?

I hope you're not expecting a birthday present, Colin. No, no, I'm not. It's

just, Mum, she wants to meet you properly.

And, um...

She's quite ill, you know. She's dying, actually, but I don't want to force you.

No? No.

Okay, well, it sounds like that is exactly what you're trying to do here.

I'm not. You are. You are.

I'm sorry I didn't mean to upset you.

Oh, you couldn't upset me if you tried.

You seem pretty upset, so...

So, what?

Thank you.

I'll bring him up, get that net under him. Go on.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm

sorry,

We'll be in college if you flopped out, mate.

It's going good. Yes, it's great.

You guys look really good together.

Thank you. No, I mean it.

He really is impossibly handsome.

You sort of bring his qualities into relief.

Did you never kiss?

No.

Don't you miss it? No.

I couldn't put up with no kissing.

It would drive me nuts.

Cut! Cut!

Thank you.

On your back.

I hope you're not keeping your hair like that to make me feel better, because it

doesn't.

Your hair was your best feature.

Well, Ray likes it like this.

Oh, right. So, um, is Ray a hairdresser?

I don't know.

I told you, he's discreet. Yeah, but what does that actually mean? It just

means, Mum, don't ask personal questions.

Right, that's enough. Come on.

Cheers, everyone. Thank you for coming, boys.

Cheers. Cheers.

Tuck in.

British summer we're having.

Remember South Africa?

Oh, honeymoon.

Amazing place, though.

Can I ask, have you ever been?

No.

Amazing place.

Yeah, my doctor's advised me to wear these socks.

You know, he says they'll make a real difference. I mean, have you tried them?

Impression socks?

No.

They hold you, apparently, and stop you.

Do you try a lot, Ray?

Not really.

This gravy is incredible.

Best gravy in Bromley.

What's your secret?

If you don't mind.

Uh, oh, no.

Um, well, I, um... I, uh, put the chicken on a rack so that all of the

juices... Sorry.

Um, I, um, put the chicken on a rack and, um...

Let the juices from the chicken go onto the veg. And then once the chicken's

done, I remove it. And then into those veg, with all the chicken juices, I add

little bit of flour and a dash of hot sauce.

Oh, hot sauce, huh?

Yeah.

Colin makes a good gravy.

Colin makes a pretty good omelette, but that's about it.

What's up with you?

What? Up with me? Yeah, what's up with you? Mum, let's talk about something

else. Yeah, I agree. I think we can... No,

no, no.

I'm not one to judge. I'm just interested.

What's your secret?

Have you got another life?

Have you got a husband somewhere?

Peggy. Or a wife?

Is that what discreet actually means? Does it just mean that you've got two

wives and ten kids? You don't have to say.

Thank you. I'll keep that in mind.

I'm sorry.

I'm not sure I like the way you talk to my son.

Well, that is fine.

It's not for you to like.

Excuse me?

I can see that I make you uncomfortable.

That our relationship makes you uncomfortable.

But deciding that what makes you uncomfortable is bad for your son?

Honestly, that's a pretty backwards way of thinking.

I beg your pardon?

I'm just saying you sound a little ignorant.

Well, you sound like a cunt.

Mum! No, I'm... Sorry, Cole.

I'd like to know, before I die, I'd like to know if my son is going out with a

nut job.

Is that too much to ask?

Let's talk about something else. Colin, you don't know who he is.

You don't know what he does. You don't know if he's a hairdresser or a serial

killer. He could be on the run. Well,

he's too good -looking to be on the run. He'd turn too many heads. He wouldn't

get away with it.

He is very good looking. He's a creep.

Our son is going out with a good looking creep and you, you're encouraging him.

Colin. Colin, come on. Don't listen to that.

Colin.

Roses are red, violets are blue.

Each day at your hill brings me closer to you.

Your hand on the throttle, your levers so tight.

I crave your command from morning to night.

Your grip is a promise.

Your gaze a hot flame.

Next to you I'm nothing, but I'm yours all the same.

The pleasure you give, the pain that you bring, I'll take it all in for you and

my team.

In the village of Great Dunmow,

There's a side of bacon given every year to the couple who haven't had a single

quarrel.

Well, me and Peggy could have won that bacon every year.

We had every possible qualification.

Apart from not living in Great Dunmore.

As we gather today to say goodbye to

Peggy.

Let's not focus on the sadness.

Let's celebrate a lovely life.

Sorry.

So, how was it?

It was good.

It was good turnout.

Oh, nice.

I'm sorry.

It's fine.

It's fine.

Okay, we need to get some cold water on them, okay?

It's going to sting a little.

Try to hold your hands down.

Hey, um, do you want to hear a pizza joke?

Nah, it's too cheesy.

Are you going to eat or do you want me to keep going? Because I've got plenty

pizza jokes here. I'm going to stop eating. I can go all night, baby.

Sleep in the bed.

It's fine. I'm feeling much better now.

It wasn't a question.

I love you, right?

But what?

I don't know what this is, Colin.

Um, could I ask you something?

Mm -hmm.

So, I've been thinking, and you don't have to say

yes, I know it was a sort of one -off thing, but I was wondering if

maybe I could sleep in your bed a bit more often?

Not all the time, obviously.

But maybe once a week.

In fact, maybe once a week we could sort of have a

day off.

You know, a day where we wake up in bed together,

eat breakfast at the table.

I don't know, play a duet on the piano, that sort of thing.

Not every day, I really... I wouldn't want that, but... ..once a week, it

could be nice, it could be fun.

For both of us.

How about once a month? No.

No?

Never think.

Excuse me? Just never think about it.

Colin, if you're not happy... No, I'm happy.

Ray, I'm really happy.

I could just maybe be a bit happier, that's all.

Time for bed.

I'm going to stay up and finish this chapter.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Oh.

Take off my t -shirt.

Stop scowling.

Take it off.

Raymond?

You look very small -mouthed and old.

What did you say?

I think you may have heard me. Raymond, please.

Huh? Raymond.

Get off!

Get off!

Fancy wrestle?

Huh? Fancy wrestle?

Do you give?

Have a seat.

Um... What's this?

Breakfast.

I don't understand.

I thought we could try a day off.

So, um, what would you like to do?

Well, it's day.

Um, what do you want to do?

No, no, no.

You decide.

It's your day off.

Um, well, it, uh, yeah, it's like a nice night's day.

We could...

We could go for a bike somewhere, maybe.

No biking today.

But I'll pay for this later.

Do you like, uh, Thai food?

Uh, sure, yeah.

Because there's, um, kind of quite a nice place nearby.

Okay.

Well, this was fun.

What do you want to do next?

Don't know.

I'm sorry about the weather.

Sing something for me.

Well, here. Actually, teach me how to sing.

Are you serious?

I'm very serious.

Okay.

Laughing? No, it's good. You're very good.

You think you're better than me? I didn't say that.

Wow.

Wow, that hurt.

You know what?

What are you doing? Wait.

Lady, pardon me.

Come on.

Go ahead.

Sorry. What's your play?

Oh.

Yeah. You like both, I can tell.

Which one do you prefer?

Him. Him?

Yeah. Are you serious?

Unbelievable.

I'm sorry about him.

You paid off, these two fine ladies. I've never met these ladies, right?

All right, congratulations.

Thank you.

You're cocky now, huh?

Dickheads! You're gonna clean those teeth, huh?

What would that be?

No, I'm done.

Come on.

Come on.

No. Up you get.

No, I'm done. I'm done.

Leave me.

Leave me. I'm stuck. I'm stuck.

Ray?

Are you in there?

Still nothing.

Thank you.

We can look somewhere else next weekend, okay?

Or not.

Up to you.

Thank you.

Help me.

I've been told I have an aptitude for devotion.

I'm obedient.

hard -working and excellent at following instructions.

I'm low maintenance, have a high pain threshold and rarely fail to please.

But I'm also very modest, so this is the only time that you hear me sing my own

praises.

Unless you ask.

I won't cut my hair for no -one and I do require one day off a week.

That's not up for debate.

The rest of the time, your wish is my command.

Would you fancy?

Like a ghost!