Original subtitles

Just once I'd like to get clothes that fit now.

Yeah, well, quit going through puberty

and we'll talk about it.

Quit being so cheap, and we'll talk about it.

Hey, hey, watch your mouth.

Hard to punish him for telling the truth.

Oh, yeah? Wait till he tries on

the underwear I bought him.

What's that?

Uh, decorative bowl.

I thought it'd be perfect to put our keys in.

Yeah, well, I don't like it.

Take it back.

But it was on sale.

I don't care if you got it free with a paid subscription

to Ugly Bowl Illustrated.

I don't want it on my table.

Why not?

"Why not?"

Look around.

It doesn't fit the decor.

Decor?

You, uh, you call this "decor"?

What would you call it?

Random crapola.

The deep sea helmet, the fake jazz posters.

Add an old snow sled and a couple of baseball pennants

and you can open a T.G.I. Fridays.

Excuse me,

but everything in this house has a story behind it.

Oh. Oh, really?

Oh, so what's the story behind this urn thing?

Some girl gave that to me.

That's it?

She spent the weekend.

Ooh, great story.

No, great weekend.

Okay, okay, what about, uh...

this umbrella stand that has no umbrellas?

A girl gave me that, too.

Another great weekend?

Not so great. It was raining.

All right, why don't you just pretend

a girl gave you this bowl?

It doesn't work that way.

You'd have to wear high heels and give it to me naked,

and nobody wants that.

Fine. Whatever.

I like the bowl.

Okay, Alan, you're not feeling me.

I don't want your bowl on my table.

So I can't even have one stupid thing in this house?

Hey, leave Jake out of this.

Very funny-- you know what I mean.

Actually, I don't.

The fact is, this house reeks of you and your crap.

Oh, really? Like what?

Like this lamp.

You bought this lamp-- I hate this lamp.

Then why didn't you just say something

when I bought it two years ago?

Because I didn't notice it until recently.

And the couch.

You reupholstered the couch,

and I liked it better the way it was.

Stained?

Hey, every one of those stains had a story behind it.

Oh, ugh!

What I'm saying is, you got nothing to complain about.

You got your food in my refrigerator,

your car in my garage and your stupid

flowered towels in my guest bathroom.

Hey, those towels are very pretty.

They brighten up the whole room.

They're gay, and they scream "civil union."

Oh, they do not!

"We're here, we're queer, dry your hands on us."

Okay, okay, you know what?

You are being ridiculous.

When you want to have a rational conversation,

I'll be in my room.

It's not your room.

It's my guestroom.

Oh, well, obviously, we disagree

about my role in this household.

We sure do.

You think you have one... and I don't.

(sighs angrily)

And get rid of that welcome mat you put on my front porch!

No one's welcome here.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

Charlie, I'm telling you right now

I'm not gonna sleep with you tonight.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where'd that come from?

Buy you a couple of drinks,

invite you back to my house, and all of a sudden

you think I want to sleep with you?

You mean, you don't?

Hey, we just met.

Let's talk, get to know each other.

If later down the road,

something happens, great.

If not, we've each made a new friend.

That is very sweet.

Well, my mother raised me

to be respectful of women, and I've always said...

Son of a bitch!

What?

That.

That's what.

Butterscotch candies?

In about 30 seconds,

they're gonna be butterscotch suppositories.

(TV playing softly)

So you noticed it.

Maybe I didn't make myself clear.

I don't want this stupid bowl in my living room.

No, you said you didn't want it on the front table for keys.

So I put it on the coffee table for candy.

Yeah, well, now it's on your head for a hat.

I am sorry.

I had to set my brother straight.

ALAN: I don't know why you're making such a big deal out of this.

It is a nice bowl.

It is a hideous bowl that makes me nauseous

just to look at it.

You're being ridiculous-- isn't this a nice bowl?

It's okay.

See? Two against one.

No, no, no. No, there's no voting.

You're just a freeloader,

and she's just some one-night stand I picked up in a ba...

Damn!

Good-bye, Charlie.

Oh, come on. Don't leave.

You know what the worst part is?

I actually believed the things you said.

You're kidding?

Thanks a lot. What did I do?

You just made me blow a sure thing.

She didn't look like a sure thing to me.

I could have brought her around.

Okay. Why don't we just admit it?

This isn't about the bowl, and this isn't about the girl.

This is about my place in this house.

No, no, it is about the bowl, it is about the girl,

and you have no place in this house.

Oh, you really believe that?

What do you want from me, Alan?

I took you in; I took your kid in.

All I ask is you don't fill up my home with your junk!

It's not junk-- it's an inlaid mosaic dish

handcrafted on the island of Macao.

Yeah, well...

Now it's rubble from the island of Macao.

I hope you're happy.

Really? I don't think you do.

Let me tell you something, Charlie.

You said you took me and my kid into your home,

but you didn't.

You took us into your house.

We made it a home.

Is that so? Yes, that's so.

Before we got here, this was just a big empty space

where you just sat around, got drunk and had casual sex

with women you don't even care about.

There was no love, no family and no meaning.

There's a word for that, Alan: utopia.

I heard something break.

And you're just coming out now?

I was establishing my alibi.

Go pack your stuff. We're leaving.

But I have an alibi.

You're my son.

Where I go, you go.

I don't remember that in the custody agreement.

* Men...

Okay, we're leaving.

Say good-bye to your Uncle Charlie.

Bye, Uncle Charlie.

You don't have to go, Jake.

See?

Get in the car.

But he likes me.

I'm not bluffing, Charlie.

(TV playing softly)

If you're not willing to acknowledge me

as an equal member of this household,

then I can't live here anymore.

(sighs)

Is that all it'll take to get you to stay?

Yes.

Buh-bye.

* Men...

So... this is about a bowl.

No, the bowl is a symbol.

Of what?

How your Uncle Charlie treats us.

He treats me fine. No, he doesn't.

Yeah, he does.

Okay, I don't want to talk about this anymore.

How come when I don't want to talk about stuff,

we still have to talk about it?

Just be quiet.

So, uh...

we going to a hotel?

We don't need hotels, buddy.

We're two single guys on the open road,

footloose and fancy-free.

The whole world is at our feet.

If you're too cheap for a hotel,

I call the back seat.

* Men...

(doorbell rings)

(camera whirring)

EVELYN (over intercom): Hello?

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Grandma.

It's late. What do you want?

Charlie and I had a fight.

Jake and I need a place to sleep.

Only 'cause he's too cheap to get a...

We need a place to sleep.

We have nowhere else to go.

Oh, wonderful.

Be right there.

Are you sure we can't sleep in the car?

* Men...

Can you believe it? My own brother.

He likes me.

Hey, when I want your opinion, I'll ask for it.

And then I said that if he's not willing to acknowledge me

as an equal member of the household,

then... I can't live there anymore.

So... this is about a bowl?

No. Haven't you been listening?

Frankly, no.

Don't feel bad-- I thought it was about a bowl, too.

So look, Alan.

I just got back from a long business trip,

and your mom and I were about to...

...catch up.

Oh, ugh.

Would you like to sleep in your father's car tonight?

Actually, yes.

Look, look, uh...

we're sorry for barging in.

Jake and I will just bunk in the guest room.

Come on.

You know, I'm really getting tired

of this "where I go, you go" stuff.

Oh, great.

Now we have to put on clothes for breakfast.

That's the least of our problems.

All our leather gear is in the guest room.

* Men...

Morning.

Morning.

I couldn't help but notice the guys from Goodwill

hauling away Alan's hide-a-bed.

Oh, yeah.

He doesn't live here anymore.

No kidding.

Alan's gone?

Yep. Wow.

So you couldn't think for even a second

that I might want a hide-a-bed?

Sorry.

You want some flowered towels?

Pass.

So what broke you two love birds up?

He crossed a line.

Must've been a big one.

Very big.

Was it money?

Worse.

A woman? Worse.

What's worse than money and women?

He bought an ugly bowl and put it on the front table.

No.

Then, when I told him to get rid of it,

he filled it with candy and put it on the coffee table.

Dear God.

What kind of candy?

Butterscotch.

Mmm.

I mean, the son of bitch.

Are you making fun of me?

I'm trying.

So, what? You think I should just let him...

put a candy dish wherever he wants?

No, you're right.

He obviously had to go.

He's an ungrateful parasite who overstepped his boundaries.

Exactly.

While, you, on the other hand,

are a completely reasonable man

with no control issues whatsoever.

I don't pay you to mock me.

Charlie, you'd have to pay me not to.

* Men...

Fruit.

That's all you got, fruit?

Don't you ever have fruit for breakfast?

Well, yeah, Franken Berries.

Oh. Well, I'm sorry, sweetheart.

If I had known you were coming,

I would have stocked up on crap.

Well, maybe we can go crap shopping later.

TEDDY: So, um...

what's the plan?

You gonna patch things up with your brother and...

go home?

Not until he apologizes.

Oh, sweet Lord.

Aw, geez.

Don't worry, I'll find my own place.

We'll only be here a few days, tops.

Yeah, right.

That's what you told Uncle Charlie when we moved there.

ALAN: Hey, if you'll remember,

when Judith and I broke up, you were begging me to live here.

Yes, well, I didn't have a boyfriend then

and Jake was still cute.

Alan, can we have a little man-to-man?

Sure.

I'm just going through an awkward stage.

You hope.

Alan, I know how you feel.

I had an older brother, too.

Really? Yep.

Scotty.

I worshiped him.

But ever since I can remember, he did everything he could

to make my life miserable.

That's my life with Charlie.

No kidding.

Then maybe my experience can help you.

When my parents died, Scotty took me in.

It was just the two of us.

Then one day I got so angry

with the way he was treating me, I walked out.

I haven't seen or talked to him in, I don't know,

maybe 35 years.

Wow. Yep.

I don't know where he lives.

I don't know whether he's alive or dead.

All I do know

is he's the only family I have left

in the world and despite all the bad stuff,

I want him back in my life.

But it's too late for me.

I'm not going back to Charlie's unless he apologizes.

Yeah. That's what I said about my brother Artie.

I thought his name was Scotty.

I had two brothers.

* Men...

What are you doing?

Just... looking.

You miss him, don't you?

No, I'm trying to figure out if there's room for a pool table.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, hey, Teddy.

Charlie, got a minute?

Sure, I guess. Come on in.

Thanks.

Hey, what about air hockey and a wet bar...?

Hello.

How are ya?

Better now.

Charlie?

What?

Introduce us, you pork-head.

Oh, sorry.

Berta, this is my mom's boyfriend, Teddy.

Teddy, my housekeeper, Berta.

A pleasure.

It could be if you play your cards right.

Whoa.

You'll be fine.

Just don't wander into the laundry room without backup.

Fine. Listen.

I got a situation here with your brother.

I'm sorry, Teddy.

He cannot come back until he apologizes.

I understand, but the thing is...

Did he tell you about the bowl?

Repeatedly.

And I know what you're going through.

I had a younger brother, too.

Really? Yeah, Scotty.

A worthless sponge who lived off me for years

and never showed any appreciation.

That's my life with Alan.

No kidding.

Well then, maybe my experience could help you.

When my parents died...

I took Scotty in, and...

Here's your father when he was going through his awkward stage.

He looks exactly the same.

Which is why we can't count on you growing out of it.

Here's your Uncle Charlie in front

of the Beverly Hills Courthouse when he was about 17.

What's he look so happy about?

Being tried as a minor.

Here's one of Grandmommy on a cruise to Mazatlan.

Who's that lady with her arm around you?

Well, darling, after your grandfather passed away,

Grandmommy wanted to explore her sexuality...

Mom! Mom!

What are you doing? He's only 13.

Oh, please!

When I was 13, I was in an all-girls boarding school,

and we were quite familiar...

Mom!

Hey.

So?

No luck.

Damn.

What's wrong?

Uh, everything's fine, darling.

Why don't we talk in the other room?

Last time I heard that, I ended up in Bible camp.

(indistinct shouting)

They sound angry.

Yeah.

TEDDY: ...would stop being such a horse's ass!

What do you think they're arguing about?

I don't know.

Maybe Teddy found out Grandma's part lesbian.

* Men...

(doorbell rings)

Teddy and I had a fight.

Anyway, I'm sorry.

I love you, and I miss you, and I want you to come back.

What if I want to put a bowl on the coffee table?

Nothing would make me happier.

(softly): As soon as they leave,

I'm tearing off your clothes with my teeth.

Terrific.

* Men...

Good.

It wasn't even on sale.

No kidding. Yep.

Paid full retail. $14.99

Anyway, I'm gonna go unpack.

You need some help?

No, I'm good.

Hey, Charlie.

Yeah?

From the bottom of my heart,

thank you for being the bigger man here.

Don't mention it.

* Our house

* Is a very, very, very fine house *

* With two cats in the yard

* Life used to be so hard

* Now everything is easy 'cause.... *

* My house

* In the middle of my street

* My house.

Mmm, butterscotch.