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1
00:00:03,371 --> 00:00:05,906
Just once I'd like
to get clothes that fit now.
2
00:00:05,973 --> 00:00:07,141
Yeah, well, quit
going through puberty
3
00:00:07,208 --> 00:00:08,576
and we'll talk about it.
4
00:00:08,642 --> 00:00:12,080
Quit being so cheap,
and we'll talk about it.
5
00:00:12,146 --> 00:00:14,648
Hey, hey,
watch your mouth.
6
00:00:14,715 --> 00:00:17,751
Hard to punish him
for telling the truth.
7
00:00:17,818 --> 00:00:19,153
Oh, yeah?
Wait till he tries on
8
00:00:19,220 --> 00:00:20,588
the underwear
I bought him.
9
00:00:22,623 --> 00:00:23,891
What's that?
10
00:00:23,957 --> 00:00:25,393
Uh, decorative bowl.
11
00:00:25,459 --> 00:00:27,161
I thought it'd be perfect
to put our keys in.
12
00:00:27,228 --> 00:00:29,697
Yeah, well, I don't like it.
13
00:00:29,763 --> 00:00:31,031
Take it back.
14
00:00:31,099 --> 00:00:32,700
But it was on sale.
15
00:00:32,766 --> 00:00:35,103
I don't care if you got it
free with a paid subscription
16
00:00:35,169 --> 00:00:37,771
to Ugly Bowl Illustrated.
17
00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:44,011
I don't want it on my table.
18
00:00:44,078 --> 00:00:45,045
Why not?
19
00:00:45,113 --> 00:00:46,480
"Why not?"
20
00:00:46,547 --> 00:00:48,015
Look around.
21
00:00:48,082 --> 00:00:49,450
It doesn't fit the decor.
22
00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:53,053
Decor?
23
00:00:53,121 --> 00:00:55,089
You, uh,
you call this "decor"?
24
00:00:55,156 --> 00:00:57,891
What would you call it?
25
00:00:57,958 --> 00:01:00,228
Random crapola.
26
00:01:01,829 --> 00:01:05,733
The deep sea helmet,
the fake jazz posters.
27
00:01:05,799 --> 00:01:08,102
Add an old snow sled and
a couple of baseball pennants
28
00:01:08,169 --> 00:01:10,070
and you can open
a T.G.I. Fridays.
29
00:01:10,138 --> 00:01:11,605
Excuse me,
30
00:01:11,672 --> 00:01:14,175
but everything in this house
has a story behind it.
31
00:01:14,242 --> 00:01:15,676
Oh. Oh, really?
32
00:01:15,743 --> 00:01:19,347
Oh, so what's the story
behind this urn thing?
33
00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:21,815
Some girl gave that to me.
34
00:01:21,882 --> 00:01:23,016
That's it?
35
00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:24,618
She spent the weekend.
36
00:01:24,685 --> 00:01:26,687
Ooh, great story.
37
00:01:26,754 --> 00:01:28,422
No, great weekend.
38
00:01:29,990 --> 00:01:31,592
Okay, okay,
what about, uh...
39
00:01:31,659 --> 00:01:35,129
this umbrella stand
that has no umbrellas?
40
00:01:35,196 --> 00:01:36,297
A girl gave me that, too.
41
00:01:36,364 --> 00:01:37,365
Another great weekend?
42
00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:39,133
Not so great. It was raining.
43
00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:41,202
All right,
why don't you just pretend
44
00:01:41,269 --> 00:01:42,803
a girl gave you this bowl?
45
00:01:42,870 --> 00:01:44,372
It doesn't work that way.
46
00:01:44,438 --> 00:01:48,442
You'd have to wear high heels
and give it to me naked,
47
00:01:48,509 --> 00:01:50,010
and nobody wants that.
48
00:01:50,077 --> 00:01:51,212
Fine. Whatever.
49
00:01:51,279 --> 00:01:52,546
I like the bowl.
50
00:01:52,613 --> 00:01:55,683
Okay, Alan,
you're not feeling me.
51
00:01:55,749 --> 00:01:59,620
I don't want your bowl
on my table.
52
00:01:59,687 --> 00:02:02,055
So I can't even have
one stupid thing in this house?
53
00:02:02,122 --> 00:02:04,358
Hey, leave Jake out of this.
54
00:02:09,730 --> 00:02:11,765
Very funny--
you know what I mean.
55
00:02:11,832 --> 00:02:13,867
Actually, I don't.
56
00:02:13,934 --> 00:02:17,238
The fact is, this house
reeks of you and your crap.
57
00:02:17,305 --> 00:02:18,272
Oh, really? Like what?
58
00:02:18,339 --> 00:02:19,607
Like this lamp.
59
00:02:19,673 --> 00:02:21,775
You bought this lamp--
I hate this lamp.
60
00:02:21,842 --> 00:02:22,976
Then why didn't you just
say something
61
00:02:23,043 --> 00:02:24,378
when I bought it two years ago?
62
00:02:24,445 --> 00:02:26,914
Because I didn't notice it
until recently.
63
00:02:29,217 --> 00:02:30,551
And the couch.
64
00:02:30,618 --> 00:02:31,819
You reupholstered
the couch,
65
00:02:31,885 --> 00:02:32,720
and I liked it
better the way it was.
66
00:02:32,786 --> 00:02:34,388
Stained?
67
00:02:34,455 --> 00:02:37,491
Hey, every one of those stains
had a story behind it.
68
00:02:39,593 --> 00:02:42,996
Oh, ugh!
69
00:02:43,063 --> 00:02:46,200
What I'm saying is, you got
nothing to complain about.
70
00:02:46,267 --> 00:02:48,236
You got your food
in my refrigerator,
71
00:02:48,302 --> 00:02:50,371
your car in my
garage and your stupid
72
00:02:50,438 --> 00:02:52,606
flowered towels
in my guest bathroom.
73
00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:53,941
Hey, those towels
are very pretty.
74
00:02:54,007 --> 00:02:55,276
They brighten up
the whole room.
75
00:02:55,343 --> 00:02:58,111
They're gay, and they scream
"civil union."
76
00:02:58,178 --> 00:02:59,580
Oh, they do not!
77
00:02:59,647 --> 00:03:03,484
"We're here, we're queer,
dry your hands on us."
78
00:03:03,551 --> 00:03:05,953
Okay, okay, you know what?
79
00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:07,355
You are being ridiculous.
80
00:03:07,421 --> 00:03:08,989
When you want to have
a rational conversation,
81
00:03:09,056 --> 00:03:10,057
I'll be in my room.
82
00:03:10,123 --> 00:03:12,192
It's not your room.
83
00:03:12,260 --> 00:03:13,427
It's my guestroom.
84
00:03:13,494 --> 00:03:15,128
Oh, well, obviously,
we disagree
85
00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:16,330
about my role
in this household.
86
00:03:16,397 --> 00:03:17,865
We sure do.
87
00:03:17,931 --> 00:03:20,834
You think you have
one... and I don't.
88
00:03:20,901 --> 00:03:22,202
(sighs angrily)
89
00:03:22,270 --> 00:03:27,275
And get rid of that welcome mat
you put on my front porch!
90
00:03:27,341 --> 00:03:29,510
No one's welcome here.
91
00:03:30,811 --> 00:03:33,714
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
92
00:03:33,781 --> 00:03:37,084
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh
93
00:03:37,150 --> 00:03:40,187
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
* Ooh
* Ooh
94
00:03:40,254 --> 00:03:42,323
* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *
95
00:03:42,390 --> 00:03:44,725
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
96
00:03:44,792 --> 00:03:47,828
* Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
97
00:03:47,895 --> 00:03:52,600
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
98
00:03:59,373 --> 00:04:01,108
Charlie, I'm telling you
right now
99
00:04:01,174 --> 00:04:02,976
I'm not gonna
sleep with you tonight.
100
00:04:03,043 --> 00:04:04,945
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
101
00:04:05,012 --> 00:04:07,247
Where'd that come from?
102
00:04:07,315 --> 00:04:09,016
Buy you a couple
of drinks,
103
00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:11,285
invite you back to my house,
and all of a sudden
104
00:04:11,352 --> 00:04:12,653
you think I want
to sleep with you?
105
00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:15,756
You mean, you don't?
106
00:04:15,823 --> 00:04:17,591
Hey, we just met.
107
00:04:17,658 --> 00:04:19,560
Let's talk, get
to know each other.
108
00:04:19,627 --> 00:04:21,629
If later down the road,
109
00:04:21,695 --> 00:04:23,297
something happens, great.
110
00:04:23,364 --> 00:04:25,399
If not, we've each
made a new friend.
111
00:04:25,466 --> 00:04:28,235
That is very sweet.
112
00:04:28,302 --> 00:04:30,003
Well, my mother raised me
113
00:04:30,070 --> 00:04:33,173
to be respectful of women,
and I've always said...
114
00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:35,643
Son of a bitch!
115
00:04:38,712 --> 00:04:40,147
What?
116
00:04:40,213 --> 00:04:42,249
That.
117
00:04:42,316 --> 00:04:44,084
That's what.
118
00:04:44,151 --> 00:04:45,953
Butterscotch candies?
119
00:04:46,019 --> 00:04:47,388
In about 30 seconds,
120
00:04:47,455 --> 00:04:49,957
they're gonna be
butterscotch suppositories.
121
00:04:51,158 --> 00:04:53,727
(TV playing softly)
122
00:04:59,533 --> 00:05:01,869
So you noticed it.
123
00:05:01,935 --> 00:05:04,137
Maybe I didn't make myself
clear.
124
00:05:04,204 --> 00:05:07,007
I don't want this stupid bowl
in my living room.
125
00:05:07,074 --> 00:05:10,277
No, you said you didn't want it
on the front table for keys.
126
00:05:10,344 --> 00:05:12,946
So I put it
on the coffee table for candy.
127
00:05:13,013 --> 00:05:16,750
Yeah, well, now it's on
your head for a hat.
128
00:05:18,819 --> 00:05:19,787
I am sorry.
129
00:05:19,853 --> 00:05:21,822
I had to set my
brother straight.
130
00:05:21,889 --> 00:05:23,924
ALAN:
I don't know why you're making
such a big deal out of this.
131
00:05:23,991 --> 00:05:25,292
It is a nice bowl.
132
00:05:25,359 --> 00:05:26,927
It is a hideous bowl
that makes me nauseous
133
00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:28,429
just to look at it.
134
00:05:28,496 --> 00:05:30,330
You're being ridiculous--
isn't this a nice bowl?
135
00:05:30,398 --> 00:05:31,164
It's okay.
136
00:05:31,231 --> 00:05:32,466
See? Two against one.
137
00:05:32,533 --> 00:05:34,234
No, no, no.
No, there's no voting.
138
00:05:34,301 --> 00:05:35,936
You're just a freeloader,
139
00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:38,338
and she's just some one-night
stand I picked up in a ba...
140
00:05:38,406 --> 00:05:39,973
Damn!
141
00:05:41,074 --> 00:05:43,243
Good-bye, Charlie.
142
00:05:43,310 --> 00:05:45,413
Oh, come on. Don't leave.
143
00:05:45,479 --> 00:05:47,347
You know what the worst part is?
144
00:05:47,415 --> 00:05:49,483
I actually believed
the things you said.
145
00:05:49,550 --> 00:05:50,984
You're kidding?
146
00:05:54,488 --> 00:05:57,391
Thanks a lot.
What did I do?
147
00:05:57,458 --> 00:05:59,292
You just made me blow
a sure thing.
148
00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:00,327
She didn't look like
a sure thing to me.
149
00:06:00,394 --> 00:06:02,295
I could have brought her around.
150
00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:04,131
Okay. Why don't we just
admit it?
151
00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:06,233
This isn't about the bowl,
and this isn't about the girl.
152
00:06:06,299 --> 00:06:07,968
This is about my place
in this house.
153
00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:11,338
No, no, it is about the bowl,
it is about the girl,
154
00:06:11,405 --> 00:06:13,340
and you have no place
in this house.
155
00:06:13,407 --> 00:06:14,408
Oh, you really believe that?
156
00:06:14,475 --> 00:06:16,309
What do you want from me, Alan?
157
00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:17,911
I took you in;
I took your kid in.
158
00:06:17,978 --> 00:06:20,848
All I ask is you don't
fill up my home with your junk!
159
00:06:20,914 --> 00:06:23,250
It's not junk--
it's an inlaid mosaic dish
160
00:06:23,316 --> 00:06:25,453
handcrafted on the island
of Macao.
161
00:06:25,519 --> 00:06:27,020
Yeah, well...
162
00:06:30,824 --> 00:06:33,694
Now it's rubble
from the island of Macao.
163
00:06:37,264 --> 00:06:39,199
I hope you're happy.
164
00:06:39,266 --> 00:06:42,002
Really? I don't think you do.
165
00:06:42,069 --> 00:06:44,171
Let me tell you something,
Charlie.
166
00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:47,240
You said you took me
and my kid into your home,
167
00:06:47,307 --> 00:06:48,375
but you didn't.
168
00:06:48,442 --> 00:06:50,177
You took us into your house.
169
00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:51,311
We made it a home.
170
00:06:51,378 --> 00:06:52,780
Is that so?
Yes, that's so.
171
00:06:52,846 --> 00:06:55,282
Before we got here,
this was just a big empty space
172
00:06:55,348 --> 00:06:57,885
where you just sat around,
got drunk and had casual sex
173
00:06:57,951 --> 00:06:59,920
with women
you don't even care about.
174
00:06:59,987 --> 00:07:02,456
There was no love, no family
and no meaning.
175
00:07:02,523 --> 00:07:06,026
There's a word for that, Alan:
utopia.
176
00:07:07,528 --> 00:07:09,029
I heard something break.
177
00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:10,430
And you're just
coming out now?
178
00:07:10,498 --> 00:07:13,066
I was establishing my alibi.
179
00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:17,404
Go pack your stuff.
We're leaving.
180
00:07:17,471 --> 00:07:19,039
But I have an alibi.
181
00:07:19,106 --> 00:07:21,041
You're my son.
182
00:07:21,108 --> 00:07:22,442
Where I go, you go.
183
00:07:22,510 --> 00:07:25,679
I don't remember that
in the custody agreement.
184
00:07:27,948 --> 00:07:30,117
* Men...
185
00:07:33,220 --> 00:07:35,022
Okay, we're leaving.
186
00:07:35,088 --> 00:07:36,957
Say good-bye
to your Uncle Charlie.
187
00:07:37,024 --> 00:07:38,191
Bye, Uncle Charlie.
188
00:07:38,258 --> 00:07:40,193
You don't have to go, Jake.
189
00:07:40,260 --> 00:07:42,195
See?
190
00:07:42,262 --> 00:07:44,131
Get in the car.
191
00:07:44,197 --> 00:07:46,734
But he likes me.
192
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,401
I'm not bluffing, Charlie.
193
00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:50,070
(TV playing softly)
194
00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:51,639
If you're not willing
to acknowledge me
195
00:07:51,705 --> 00:07:53,507
as an equal member
of this household,
196
00:07:53,574 --> 00:07:55,743
then I can't live here anymore.
197
00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:57,010
(sighs)
198
00:07:57,077 --> 00:07:59,513
Is that all it'll take
to get you to stay?
199
00:07:59,580 --> 00:08:00,914
Yes.
200
00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:02,683
Buh-bye.
201
00:08:09,256 --> 00:08:10,558
* Men...
202
00:08:10,624 --> 00:08:13,426
So... this is about
a bowl.
203
00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:14,862
No, the bowl
is a symbol.
204
00:08:14,928 --> 00:08:15,896
Of what?
205
00:08:15,963 --> 00:08:17,464
How your Uncle Charlie
treats us.
206
00:08:17,531 --> 00:08:19,066
He treats me fine.
No, he doesn't.
207
00:08:19,132 --> 00:08:21,301
Yeah, he does.
208
00:08:21,368 --> 00:08:23,604
Okay, I don't want to talk
about this anymore.
209
00:08:23,671 --> 00:08:25,438
How come when I don't want
to talk about stuff,
210
00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:27,174
we still have to talk
about it?
211
00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:29,710
Just be quiet.
212
00:08:30,578 --> 00:08:32,580
So, uh...
213
00:08:32,646 --> 00:08:33,881
we going to a hotel?
214
00:08:33,947 --> 00:08:36,717
We don't need hotels, buddy.
215
00:08:36,784 --> 00:08:39,252
We're two single guys
on the open road,
216
00:08:39,319 --> 00:08:40,721
footloose and fancy-free.
217
00:08:40,788 --> 00:08:42,823
The whole world is at our feet.
218
00:08:44,725 --> 00:08:46,727
If you're too cheap
for a hotel,
219
00:08:46,794 --> 00:08:49,663
I call the back seat.
220
00:08:49,730 --> 00:08:51,431
* Men...
221
00:08:51,498 --> 00:08:53,567
(doorbell rings)
222
00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:55,402
(camera whirring)
223
00:08:55,468 --> 00:08:57,070
EVELYN (over intercom):
Hello?
224
00:08:57,137 --> 00:08:59,673
Hi, Mom.
225
00:09:00,507 --> 00:09:03,010
Hi, Grandma.
226
00:09:03,076 --> 00:09:05,545
It's late.
What do you want?
227
00:09:05,613 --> 00:09:07,514
Charlie and I
had a fight.
228
00:09:07,581 --> 00:09:09,516
Jake and I need a
place to sleep.
229
00:09:09,583 --> 00:09:10,751
Only 'cause he's too cheap
to get a...
230
00:09:10,818 --> 00:09:13,654
We need a place to sleep.
231
00:09:13,721 --> 00:09:15,488
We have nowhere
else to go.
232
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:17,991
Oh, wonderful.
233
00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:20,227
Be right there.
234
00:09:20,293 --> 00:09:23,163
Are you sure we can't
sleep in the car?
235
00:09:23,230 --> 00:09:24,932
* Men...
236
00:09:29,803 --> 00:09:31,672
Can you believe it?
My own brother.
237
00:09:31,739 --> 00:09:34,074
He likes me.
238
00:09:34,141 --> 00:09:36,710
Hey, when I want your
opinion, I'll ask for it.
239
00:09:38,311 --> 00:09:40,681
And then I said that if he's
not willing to acknowledge me
240
00:09:40,748 --> 00:09:42,415
as an equal member
of the household,
241
00:09:42,482 --> 00:09:44,484
then... I can't live there
anymore.
242
00:09:44,551 --> 00:09:49,389
So... this is
about a bowl?
243
00:09:49,456 --> 00:09:51,992
No. Haven't you been listening?
244
00:09:52,059 --> 00:09:53,393
Frankly, no.
245
00:09:53,460 --> 00:09:56,830
Don't feel bad-- I thought
it was about a bowl, too.
246
00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:00,000
So look, Alan.
247
00:10:00,067 --> 00:10:02,002
I just got back
from a long business trip,
248
00:10:02,069 --> 00:10:05,639
and your mom and I
were about to...
249
00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:08,008
...catch up.
250
00:10:08,075 --> 00:10:09,409
Oh, ugh.
251
00:10:09,476 --> 00:10:13,280
Would you like to sleep in
your father's car tonight?
252
00:10:13,346 --> 00:10:14,882
Actually, yes.
253
00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:17,350
Look, look, uh...
254
00:10:17,417 --> 00:10:18,752
we're sorry for barging in.
255
00:10:18,819 --> 00:10:20,487
Jake and I will just bunk
in the guest room.
256
00:10:20,553 --> 00:10:22,189
Come on.
257
00:10:22,255 --> 00:10:23,724
You know, I'm really
getting tired
258
00:10:23,791 --> 00:10:26,359
of this "where I go,
you go" stuff.
259
00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:29,262
Oh, great.
260
00:10:29,329 --> 00:10:33,033
Now we have to put on clothes
for breakfast.
261
00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:35,402
That's the least
of our problems.
262
00:10:36,904 --> 00:10:40,007
All our leather gear
is in the guest room.
263
00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:48,682
* Men...
264
00:10:50,450 --> 00:10:52,085
Morning.
265
00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:53,320
Morning.
266
00:10:53,386 --> 00:10:55,622
I couldn't help but notice
the guys from Goodwill
267
00:10:55,689 --> 00:10:58,158
hauling away
Alan's hide-a-bed.
268
00:10:58,225 --> 00:10:59,760
Oh, yeah.
269
00:10:59,827 --> 00:11:01,561
He doesn't live here anymore.
270
00:11:01,628 --> 00:11:03,196
No kidding.
271
00:11:03,263 --> 00:11:04,531
Alan's gone?
272
00:11:04,597 --> 00:11:06,333
Yep.
Wow.
273
00:11:06,399 --> 00:11:08,902
So you couldn't think
for even a second
274
00:11:08,969 --> 00:11:12,172
that I might want
a hide-a-bed?
275
00:11:13,273 --> 00:11:14,842
Sorry.
276
00:11:14,908 --> 00:11:17,177
You want some flowered towels?
277
00:11:17,244 --> 00:11:19,079
Pass.
278
00:11:19,146 --> 00:11:21,281
So what broke you
two love birds up?
279
00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:22,950
He crossed a line.
280
00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:24,551
Must've been a big one.
281
00:11:24,617 --> 00:11:25,552
Very big.
282
00:11:25,618 --> 00:11:27,420
Was it money?
283
00:11:27,487 --> 00:11:28,321
Worse.
284
00:11:28,388 --> 00:11:29,622
A woman?
Worse.
285
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:31,291
What's worse than
money and women?
286
00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:36,329
He bought an ugly bowl
and put it on the front table.
287
00:11:38,431 --> 00:11:41,401
No.
288
00:11:41,468 --> 00:11:43,837
Then, when I told him
to get rid of it,
289
00:11:43,904 --> 00:11:46,539
he filled it with candy
and put it on the coffee table.
290
00:11:46,606 --> 00:11:48,708
Dear God.
291
00:11:50,643 --> 00:11:52,279
What kind of candy?
292
00:11:52,345 --> 00:11:53,480
Butterscotch.
293
00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:54,381
Mmm.
294
00:11:55,515 --> 00:11:57,751
I mean, the son of bitch.
295
00:11:59,486 --> 00:12:01,254
Are you making fun of me?
296
00:12:01,321 --> 00:12:03,156
I'm trying.
297
00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:05,793
So, what? You think I should
just let him...
298
00:12:05,859 --> 00:12:07,895
put a candy dish
wherever he wants?
299
00:12:07,961 --> 00:12:09,562
No, you're right.
300
00:12:09,629 --> 00:12:11,298
He obviously had to go.
301
00:12:11,364 --> 00:12:14,467
He's an ungrateful parasite
who overstepped his boundaries.
302
00:12:14,534 --> 00:12:15,635
Exactly.
303
00:12:15,702 --> 00:12:16,970
While, you,
on the other hand,
304
00:12:17,037 --> 00:12:18,705
are a completely
reasonable man
305
00:12:18,772 --> 00:12:20,507
with no control issues
whatsoever.
306
00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:23,210
I don't pay you to mock me.
307
00:12:23,276 --> 00:12:25,946
Charlie, you'd have
to pay me not to.
308
00:12:26,847 --> 00:12:29,416
* Men...
309
00:12:35,688 --> 00:12:36,990
Fruit.
310
00:12:37,057 --> 00:12:38,959
That's all you got, fruit?
311
00:12:39,026 --> 00:12:41,862
Don't you ever have
fruit for breakfast?
312
00:12:41,929 --> 00:12:44,331
Well, yeah, Franken Berries.
313
00:12:44,397 --> 00:12:46,733
Oh. Well, I'm
sorry, sweetheart.
314
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:48,635
If I had known
you were coming,
315
00:12:48,701 --> 00:12:49,903
I would have
stocked up on crap.
316
00:12:49,970 --> 00:12:52,973
Well, maybe we can go
crap shopping later.
317
00:12:54,407 --> 00:12:55,342
TEDDY:
So, um...
318
00:12:55,408 --> 00:12:56,509
what's the plan?
319
00:12:56,576 --> 00:13:00,413
You gonna patch things up
with your brother and...
320
00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:01,882
go home?
321
00:13:01,949 --> 00:13:04,417
Not until he apologizes.
322
00:13:04,484 --> 00:13:05,452
Oh, sweet Lord.
323
00:13:05,518 --> 00:13:06,786
Aw, geez.
324
00:13:06,854 --> 00:13:09,022
Don't worry,
I'll find my own place.
325
00:13:09,089 --> 00:13:10,757
We'll only be here
a few days, tops.
326
00:13:10,824 --> 00:13:12,459
Yeah, right.
327
00:13:12,525 --> 00:13:14,327
That's what you
told Uncle Charlie
when we moved there.
328
00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:16,864
ALAN:
Hey, if you'll remember,
329
00:13:16,930 --> 00:13:20,067
when Judith and I broke up, you
were begging me to live here.
330
00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:22,569
Yes, well, I didn't have
a boyfriend then
331
00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:23,937
and Jake was still cute.
332
00:13:26,073 --> 00:13:29,342
Alan, can we have
a little man-to-man?
333
00:13:29,409 --> 00:13:31,879
Sure.
334
00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:37,584
I'm just going
through an awkward stage.
335
00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:39,552
You hope.
336
00:13:43,723 --> 00:13:46,693
Alan, I know how you feel.
337
00:13:46,759 --> 00:13:48,561
I had an older brother, too.
338
00:13:48,628 --> 00:13:50,697
Really?
Yep.
339
00:13:50,763 --> 00:13:52,299
Scotty.
340
00:13:52,365 --> 00:13:53,566
I worshiped him.
341
00:13:53,633 --> 00:13:57,504
But ever since I can remember,
he did everything he could
342
00:13:57,570 --> 00:13:58,771
to make my life miserable.
343
00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:00,640
That's my life with Charlie.
344
00:14:00,707 --> 00:14:02,709
No kidding.
345
00:14:02,775 --> 00:14:04,311
Then maybe my experience
can help you.
346
00:14:04,377 --> 00:14:07,747
When my parents died,
Scotty took me in.
347
00:14:07,814 --> 00:14:10,450
It was just the two of us.
348
00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:12,419
Then one day I got so angry
349
00:14:12,485 --> 00:14:15,422
with the way he was
treating me, I walked out.
350
00:14:15,488 --> 00:14:18,625
I haven't seen or talked
to him in, I don't know,
351
00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:20,660
maybe 35 years.
352
00:14:20,727 --> 00:14:22,629
Wow.
Yep.
353
00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:23,964
I don't know where he lives.
354
00:14:24,031 --> 00:14:26,766
I don't know whether
he's alive or dead.
355
00:14:26,833 --> 00:14:28,969
All I do know
356
00:14:29,036 --> 00:14:30,971
is he's the only family
I have left
357
00:14:31,038 --> 00:14:34,774
in the world and despite
all the bad stuff,
358
00:14:34,841 --> 00:14:36,643
I want him back
in my life.
359
00:14:38,545 --> 00:14:41,314
But it's too late for me.
360
00:14:43,016 --> 00:14:45,919
I'm not going back
to Charlie's unless
he apologizes.
361
00:14:47,620 --> 00:14:50,890
Yeah. That's what I said
about my brother Artie.
362
00:14:50,958 --> 00:14:54,161
I thought his
name was Scotty.
363
00:14:56,063 --> 00:14:59,432
I had two brothers.
364
00:14:59,499 --> 00:15:01,534
* Men...
365
00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:12,079
What are you doing?
366
00:15:12,145 --> 00:15:15,682
Just... looking.
367
00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:17,450
You miss him, don't you?
368
00:15:17,517 --> 00:15:21,188
No, I'm trying to figure out if
there's room for a pool table.
369
00:15:28,628 --> 00:15:31,364
(doorbell rings)
370
00:15:32,465 --> 00:15:34,567
Oh, hey, Teddy.
371
00:15:34,634 --> 00:15:35,468
Charlie, got a minute?
372
00:15:35,535 --> 00:15:37,570
Sure, I guess.
Come on in.
373
00:15:37,637 --> 00:15:39,472
Thanks.
374
00:15:39,539 --> 00:15:41,641
Hey, what about air hockey
and a wet bar...?
375
00:15:41,708 --> 00:15:43,810
Hello.
376
00:15:43,876 --> 00:15:45,612
How are ya?
377
00:15:45,678 --> 00:15:47,880
Better now.
378
00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:49,382
Charlie?
379
00:15:49,449 --> 00:15:50,883
What?
380
00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:52,685
Introduce us,
you pork-head.
381
00:15:52,752 --> 00:15:53,987
Oh, sorry.
382
00:15:54,054 --> 00:15:55,355
Berta, this is
my mom's boyfriend, Teddy.
383
00:15:55,422 --> 00:15:56,689
Teddy, my housekeeper,
Berta.
384
00:15:56,756 --> 00:15:57,991
A pleasure.
385
00:15:58,058 --> 00:16:01,094
It could be if you play
your cards right.
386
00:16:06,766 --> 00:16:08,968
Whoa.
387
00:16:09,036 --> 00:16:10,703
You'll be fine.
388
00:16:10,770 --> 00:16:13,906
Just don't wander into the
laundry room without backup.
389
00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:15,408
Fine. Listen.
390
00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:17,410
I got a situation
here with your brother.
391
00:16:17,477 --> 00:16:18,478
I'm sorry, Teddy.
392
00:16:18,545 --> 00:16:20,213
He cannot come back
until he apologizes.
393
00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:21,381
I understand, but
the thing is...
394
00:16:21,448 --> 00:16:22,815
Did he tell you
about the bowl?
395
00:16:22,882 --> 00:16:25,052
Repeatedly.
396
00:16:25,118 --> 00:16:27,087
And I know what
you're going through.
397
00:16:27,154 --> 00:16:28,921
I had a younger
brother, too.
398
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:31,024
Really?
Yeah, Scotty.
399
00:16:31,091 --> 00:16:33,960
A worthless sponge who lived
off me for years
400
00:16:34,027 --> 00:16:36,929
and never showed
any appreciation.
401
00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:38,798
That's my life with Alan.
402
00:16:38,865 --> 00:16:40,567
No kidding.
403
00:16:40,633 --> 00:16:42,935
Well then, maybe my experience
could help you.
404
00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:44,937
When my parents died...
405
00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:47,674
I took Scotty in, and...
406
00:16:49,409 --> 00:16:52,812
Here's your father when he was
going through his awkward stage.
407
00:16:52,879 --> 00:16:54,347
He looks exactly
the same.
408
00:16:54,414 --> 00:16:58,385
Which is why we can't count
on you growing out of it.
409
00:16:58,451 --> 00:17:00,553
Here's your Uncle Charlie
in front
410
00:17:00,620 --> 00:17:04,591
of the Beverly Hills Courthouse
when he was about 17.
411
00:17:04,657 --> 00:17:06,726
What's he look
so happy about?
412
00:17:06,793 --> 00:17:09,096
Being tried as a minor.
413
00:17:10,397 --> 00:17:14,667
Here's one of Grandmommy
on a cruise to Mazatlan.
414
00:17:14,734 --> 00:17:16,769
Who's that lady with
her arm around you?
415
00:17:16,836 --> 00:17:20,440
Well, darling, after your
grandfather passed away,
416
00:17:20,507 --> 00:17:23,710
Grandmommy wanted to explore
her sexuality...
417
00:17:23,776 --> 00:17:25,112
Mom! Mom!
418
00:17:27,347 --> 00:17:28,715
What are you doing?
He's only 13.
419
00:17:28,781 --> 00:17:30,350
Oh, please!
420
00:17:30,417 --> 00:17:33,320
When I was 13, I was
in an all-girls boarding school,
421
00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:34,854
and we were
quite familiar...
422
00:17:34,921 --> 00:17:36,456
Mom!
423
00:17:36,523 --> 00:17:38,425
Hey.
424
00:17:38,491 --> 00:17:40,227
So?
425
00:17:40,927 --> 00:17:42,862
No luck.
426
00:17:42,929 --> 00:17:43,930
Damn.
427
00:17:43,996 --> 00:17:45,298
What's wrong?
428
00:17:45,365 --> 00:17:47,066
Uh, everything's fine, darling.
429
00:17:47,134 --> 00:17:49,602
Why don't we talk
in the other room?
430
00:17:51,238 --> 00:17:55,041
Last time I heard that,
I ended up in Bible camp.
431
00:17:55,108 --> 00:17:57,910
(indistinct shouting)
432
00:17:57,977 --> 00:17:59,011
They sound angry.
433
00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:00,780
Yeah.
434
00:18:00,847 --> 00:18:02,849
TEDDY:
...would stop being
such a horse's ass!
435
00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:04,851
What do you think
they're arguing about?
436
00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:06,619
I don't know.
437
00:18:06,686 --> 00:18:09,422
Maybe Teddy found out
Grandma's part lesbian.
438
00:18:14,026 --> 00:18:15,862
* Men...
439
00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:17,764
(doorbell rings)
440
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:25,305
Teddy and I had a fight.
441
00:18:31,678 --> 00:18:34,747
Anyway, I'm sorry.
442
00:18:36,216 --> 00:18:40,553
I love you, and I miss you,
and I want you to come back.
443
00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:44,257
What if I want to put
a bowl on the coffee table?
444
00:18:56,403 --> 00:18:59,439
Nothing would make me happier.
445
00:19:01,241 --> 00:19:03,443
(softly):
As soon as they leave,
446
00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:07,180
I'm tearing off your
clothes with my teeth.
447
00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:11,017
Terrific.
448
00:19:11,083 --> 00:19:13,253
* Men...
449
00:19:18,725 --> 00:19:20,460
Good.
450
00:19:20,527 --> 00:19:22,462
It wasn't even on sale.
451
00:19:22,529 --> 00:19:23,863
No kidding.
Yep.
452
00:19:23,930 --> 00:19:26,899
Paid full retail.
$14.99
453
00:19:29,869 --> 00:19:32,905
Anyway, I'm gonna go unpack.
454
00:19:32,972 --> 00:19:34,140
You need some help?
455
00:19:34,207 --> 00:19:36,376
No, I'm good.
456
00:19:37,810 --> 00:19:38,778
Hey, Charlie.
457
00:19:38,845 --> 00:19:40,480
Yeah?
458
00:19:40,547 --> 00:19:42,615
From the bottom of my heart,
459
00:19:42,682 --> 00:19:44,851
thank you for being
the bigger man here.
460
00:19:44,917 --> 00:19:47,220
Don't mention it.
461
00:19:50,257 --> 00:19:52,425
* Our house
462
00:19:52,492 --> 00:19:55,495
* Is a very, very,
very fine house *
463
00:19:55,562 --> 00:19:57,664
* With two cats in the yard
464
00:19:57,730 --> 00:20:00,500
* Life used to be so hard
465
00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:02,769
* Now everything
is easy 'cause.... *
466
00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:11,210
* My house
467
00:20:11,278 --> 00:20:13,346
* In the middle of my street
468
00:20:13,413 --> 00:20:16,148
* My house.
469
00:20:16,215 --> 00:20:18,951
Mmm, butterscotch.
31792
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