Original subtitles

The Miss That Show is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

Y 'all remember the first Christmas you got everything you wanted?

Me neither.

Hell, I still ain't woke up to an empty house with ice -cubed, butt -ass neckies

sitting on a couch holding a mistletoe.

It's not about getting what you want.

It's about getting what you need.

Love and family. And I need a family who gonna give me what the fuck I want.

Let's be real, y 'all. You're only as good as the love you give and as rich as

the love you receive.

And that's something this world can use a little bit more of, is love and common

fucking sense. So go share it.

Uh, baby, this is the last of the wrapping paper. We are almost halfway

thought you was, uh, scanning back on the presents this year. I did.

Show us.

Uh -huh.

You better hope that I'm not in this house when you open that January credit

card, Bill.

Please, I do that every month.

Plus, you know I ain't never had no nice Christmas, though. I try to make sure

everybody has the perfect Christmas.

I know your childhood was pretty much based on the movie Color Purple.

You never really had one good Christmas baby. Not one?

Hell no. One time I asked my mama for a cabbage fat kid. She went out and bought

me a head of lettuce with hair.

Then I asked for the birth certificate. She gonna give me a grocery store

receipt.

Have you ever had to eat your Christmas gift for dinner because your mama was

fucked up on nigger nod?

What the devil is a nigger nod?

Eggnog, Hennessy, and hot sauce. Mmm, that sounds awesome.

What are you getting this year, baby?

Or should I expect what you got me for Father's Day?

Socks and underwear?

I told you, until a baby come out your P .O., that's all you need, baby, is

socks and underwear.

Hey, well, you need to send the kids to the store to get some more wrapping

paper, baby.

You know, you remember when the kids were young?

I'm going to nose that boogie as always, snooping around the house trying to see

what Santa bought her.

Yeah, and I'm glad they grew out of that shit, too. Oh, no!

Get off me!

What the fuck were y 'all out here spying for?

What? Spying? No, we're just still not in the hallway like we always do.

Brandon,

take the stooges with you and go get us a bunch of wrapping paper, here. And

what am I supposed to be buying this with, good vibes?

Look at my damn purse and get a 50. And don't mess with them bills in the back

because they fake.

Can we just take your credit card because we need groceries too?

You got money?

If by you you mean I, then by I, I mean my.

My money. And it's going to stay that way.

You a cheap ass doctor.

Give me that purse, Brandon.

Hey, why y 'all getting groceries?

Well, because us kids are making you Christmas dinner this year.

So why we got to pay for it?

That's a real thoughtful gift, y 'all. Thank you.

Yeah, it was Janelle's idea because she ain't got no money for presents.

Inflation affects us all, my brother.

Um, can y 'all kids even cook?

We gonna find out. Well, don't do it in my damn kitchen.

We can't do no worse than you.

Get the hell out of here. Y 'all just want to see your gift. At least

got enough sense to mind his damn business.

Yeah, at least we still got one kid that believes in the magic of Christmas.

Get the fuck out.

All right. Hi. Merry Christmas.

Crazy kids, man.

Well, but they're all gone.

And it's just me and you. Mm -hmm.

Would you like to have some holiday here?

It's the black girl magic tree, and it's so pretty.

Yeah, Jesus is the reason for the season pad, not Coretta Scott King.

That's why I put Shirley Seas on that bitch.

Girl, please.

Add to cart, add to cart, add to cart.

Click that little buy now button. Christmas shopping done.

Oh, shit, I need a damn nap.

Why are you shopping online? Half the fun is watching bitches choke each other

out for Instapot.

You calling me a bitch when I walked away with the last instapot.

I called you a lucky bitch.

I finally know what I'm getting Terry for Christmas.

A 65 -inch TV I saw down at the mall.

Oh, hell yeah, because it has been time to replace that grainy shitbox in the

living room.

Felt like I was watching Insecure through a snowstorm.

You're going to get the 4K model, right? It ain't for you, Denise.

Well, then Terry better learn that sharing is caring, because I need to see

every last one of J. Ellis' highly defined ads in HD.

Where you been so early? And why you ain't bringin' back no Krispy Kreme

doughnuts?

Uh, started up therapy again. I'm sorry, I just wasn't in the doughnut mood.

So that mean none of us can't be in the doughnut mood? I mean, come on, use your

head, T.

What's wrong, baby?

Well...

My therapist thinks that I'm still messed up about my dad not being my real

Well, you know the holidays do bring up fucked up family shit.

She gonna help me get through it, though.

It's just hard because, um, you know, I don't know if I'm ever gonna get some

real closure, you know?

You know, I don't even know where the man lives, what he looks like, and I

even really need no answers. I just wanna, I wanna see his face, you know?

Why don't you just call your mama and ask her where your deadbeat -ass daddy

Because I'm not talking to my mama ever again, Pat.

She lied to me.

Okay?

No, even if I find it in my heart to forgive her, she still ain't got to be a

part of my life.

Look, man, stop being so damn dramatic, okay?

You know how many mamas don't lie to niggas about their daddies?

Okay, because my mama told me that Teddy Pendergrass was my daddy.

I wanted to meet him so bad, I worked at the airport as a wheelchair pusher.

My mama told me my daddy had a slow eye, and every nigga that winked at me, I

thought was my daddy.

Y 'all so damn crazy.

You know what?

I needed that laugh.

You don't need to get him no TV. Go on, get it for me.

What you talking about?

Well, I'm just telling you, he just told you the perfect gift.

You need to get Terry to meet his real daddy for Christmas.

You know what? That's really a good, cheap -ass idea.

And just because he ain't talking to his mama don't mean I can't talk to him.

Okay, because we did have a good time when Jewel was up here.

It's a shame they can't patch that shit up.

And you know, one good night don't mean that musty old bitch change either.

That's how I got in my phone.

Raggedy -ass hoe, I can't stand that old black -ass bitch.

Fake save -ass Christian.

Hey, Jewel!

Girl, we pissed you. We love the hell out of you.

I just want to let you know I want to do something special for Terry this year.

I would like to introduce him to his real daddy.

Uh -huh.

Okay. All right. We love you. We can't wait to see you again.

Black -ass bitch.

So, is the musty old bitch going to help us out?

She don't know nothing but his name.

Damn, that old broad was a hoe for sure.

Look like I'm going to have to get him the TV.

Well, it's all good. I'm going to use it more than him anyway.

I can't wait to see them P -Valley dicks in high debt.

That's going to be good.

Lady, you know you don't need that damn TV. Where you park that so I can head

for that your car?

Damn, I can't believe she got the last damn TV on sale.

Well, I mean, it still ain't too late to jump her ass in the parking lot for it.

Denise, this is not Lenox Mall, okay?

Damn, I just got a text with a Facebook message.

You really think you're going to find Terry's daddy on Facebook?

Well, I messaged everybody who had his name in a 50 -mile race in Columbus,

Georgia. I don't know.

Well, what if he moved away from Columbus or died?

This is starting to feel like a fool's errand.

You the fool.

And this ain't Terry's dad.

How do you know?

Because he's white and he's trying to fuck me.

Damn, people still trying to get ass on Facebook?

Look, Pat, I know that your heart is in the right place, but you are not going

to find this guy before Christmas.

Let's just go jump this hole for this TV.

Simply outrageous.

Are you seriously going to fire moi?

Oh, madam, I'll have you know you hired a thespian. I've done August Wilson. I

do him every month. I've done Tennessee Williams at every state, except

Tennessee. I've even worked with the great Sidney Poitier.

They call me Mr.

Tibbs. And you have the nerve, the gall, the audacity to fire moi.

Just because you don't think I have the ability to entertain these little

morons? You see?

Calling children morons? That's not something we look for in a Santa.

It's not like I called little motherfuckers motherfuckers.

Security!

Security! Now you're going to call security on me? You're going to call

on me?

I'm taking this hat. I paid for that.

Denise, close your eyes and imagine if you seen Terry Daddy.

Now open them.

Holy shit. Right?

Do you think that's Terry's daddy? Hell no, but I think I can convince him that

is. Oh, Pat, no. Now, what if this insane plan actually works and then

thinks that's his real daddy and then he'd be trying to spend time with this

forever? Man, Terry don't want no relationship. He just want to say Merry

Christmas and fuck that nigga.

Sir, sir, Santa, Santa.

Didn't you hear?

I ain't Santa no more. But I guess it's over for old Bernard.

You know, this was my last source of income.

Well, we actually got a paying gig for you. Just one night only. Come home with

me and my sister. Making love to both of you? How much we talking?

Oh, man, please.

I be done stopped your heart before the foreplay.

Let's give it a shot.

It ain't no sex thing. I just need you to pretend to be my husband's daddy.

Oh, then it is a sex thing. No, I just need you to spread some joy like you do

here at the mall.

Well, we be out of line to discuss a conversation.

What the fuck this Frasier nigga talking about? He want to know how much it's

paying. Well, I was going to buy a TV for $9 .99 and now... I'll do $1 ,000.

What the fuck? Well, it's a good deal.

And listen, are we going to have to loop my agents in on this? Shut the hell up.

You ain't got no agent.

Okay, I accept the role.

But now I'm going to have to wear my Santa costume because the fluff and fold

have all my clothes held hostage because of my good -bad checks.

Just keep on bouncing.

Well, it's a Christmas surprise anyway, so I need you to come looking like a

broke -ass Santa.

Pat, you've had a lot of stupid -ass schemes, but... But this one is a good

Just let Terry do most of the talking, and you be who he needs you to be, okay?

And you're gonna fill me in on the backstory, my motivation, my

Ain't no backstory. You just fucked his mama 50 years ago, and you split.

Well, there's not much there to work with.

What, you want me to call up and ask if you hid it from the front or the back?

Oh, that won't be necessary.

Now, do you want me to be loving to Terry or chilly?

Man, can't you ask these damn questions inside?

Look, he ain't looking for no relationship. Just give him a hug, tell

love him, let him speak his mind, and get the fuck on like your real daddy

too.

Oh, wonderful.

The living theater.

Oh, look at all the beautiful things.

The trees and the presents.

Oh, my God.

A black reindeer.

Let's get this man some closure.

He'll be home in a couple hours, so just make yourself at home, okay?

I'd like to take a nap if I could.

Oh, sure.

Because we're going to need your ass sharp for the night so you can take a

in my side room.

Gratitude.

So what'd you do to get fired at Santa anyway?

I hope you wasn't bouncing them kids on your knee one too many times.

Certainly not. How dare you?

Then what was it?

Well, the mall was precious.

Against my alcoholism.

All the greats loved a little sip.

Brando, Olivier, Gary Coleman.

What are you talking about, Santa?

you doing in my kitchen?

I'm making Christmas dinner. You look like a blind chef bending this bitch.

And where your sisters and brothers and shit at?

Oh, they went to go get drinks so you guys get tipsy and don't realize how bad

this dinner's gonna be.

Well, fuck them. Look, I got my own problem, okay?

Me and Denise hired this nice old man to pretend to be your granddaddy.

I'm sorry, one more time?

His name is Bernard, and I need you to let him sleep in your room because he's

drunk.

I'm sorry, one more time?

Nigga, this is the last damn time, okay?

I didn't say you had to sleep in there with him. Just drop him off and keep him

out of sight for your daddy, please.

Fine, but I want a ring light for my new phone.

What new phone?

The new phone you gonna give me for helping you out.

You a hustler like your mama. You want me to teach you how to sell crack, boy?

I'm just bullshitting. Come on.

Hey, uh, Bernard?

Fuck out of here. My name is Bernard, too.

Man, you still drinking? I thought you was done with that flask. You still

drinking? Well, I was, but I refilled it.

How'd they expect me to act without my cognac?

Look, you on the clock, okay? Knock this shit off. Hey, man, I'll take you up to

my room.

Worry not for me, madam.

Like the great Peter O'Toole, alcohol makes me a better actor.

Then he gonna need another sip.

Wake me when Terry gets home, and I promise I will give you the performance

lifetime.

Okay.

Unbelievable. Some people just did not know how to quit. I'll be like, what?

Yeah, Ron, if you don't know how to quit, give him that goddamn top.

Right, Bernard, so this is my room, and it's pretty much... Bernard?

Bernard!

My room?

Yeah. Come on. There you go.

All right.

Yep, right there.

Okay.

Hey, man, is there anything else you're going to need?

Bernard. Bruh.

Broski Claus.

Oh, my Lord.

We got an hour before Terry gets home. I hope St. Nick got his shit together,

because I need everything perfect for my man.

Don't worry, Pat. I'm sure everything will go smoothly.

Ma, we have a problem.

What, he peeped in your bed?

Oh, I wish.

You wish?

He... He, uh... Oh, he dead.

He what?

He's dead.

June, boy, how the fuck you kill Santa Claus?

Well, okay, see, he was alive, and then... And he was unalive.

Denise, go double -check.

Why I gotta go?

Because you good with dead bodies.

I have asked you to stop bringing up my first sugar daddy. That shit is

traumatizing.

She doesn't need to double check. Ma, the man has no pulse. I took lifeguard

training, remember?

Yeah, and I remember you quitting, too.

I felt the uniform sexualize me.

Damn. Damn it, if that man is really dead, not only do I not have anything

your daddy, he gonna come home to a dead body. That's a shitty Christmas.

Okay. That man is deader than the Cosby Show reboot.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

What are you doing home so early, baby? It's Christmas Eve, baby.

Bob Cratchit. Hey, can we open our presents? I don't want to wait till

No, no, no.

You should go upstairs and take a shower.

No, no. You smell like unpicked pussy.

Go straight to the tub. Okay.

Let me go.

Now, see, see, see, that's a good kid right there, unlike Janelle's snitch

See, you bug is the type of kid that'll help you move a dead body.

What the fuck do you mean, you? It's us, bitch.

I want to smoke some crack.

I don't want to do no dead body, Pat.

I stopped doing that a long time ago. You always dragging me. me in this shit

with you all the time, and I can't even think. I'm just trying to figure my

whole life out and shit, and now I gotta fuck with you with this dead body.

I know you're buying me new bedspread now, too, right?

Ah, they're full heavier than they look.

What the hell you expect? All Tubby eats is cookies and cognac.

Okay, can we set him down for a little bit? I'm losing my grip.

Let me get to the bottom of the stairs.

And then what's your plan? Are we going to set him in the yard like a Christmas

decoration?

Oh, you know that is actually a good -ass idea, Denise.

Pepper, I don't have enough of your good ideas.

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way.

What the...

Ma, a little help.

You know what? Fuck this, or she ain't gonna carry her share.

What is that? Where are you taking it? Is it okay?

One question at a time.

What is it? My whole sound of me and Denise hired to be your granddaddy.

Where are we taking it?

We're open to suggestions.

What's the third question?

Is he okay?

No, he dead.

You stop yelling like you ain't never seen a dead body.

happened besides grandma?

Not even an overdose?

So spoiled.

Now, shut the fuck up. We need a gang plan, okay?

We can't just call the police?

We already got a dead black man. What do we need the police for?

Yeah, that's a good point, but we should at least call the paramedics. Yeah,

because they're about to kill us all.

Okay,

get ready.

What are we going to do to these? What are we going to do? Oh, he's Santa

Let's dump his old ass in the fireplace.

Yes, that's right. Keep you aware because you know exactly what the fuck

Yes. Dumping a dead corpse in a fireplace is a good idea.

Shut the fuck up. That's the best we can do.

Go, go, go, go, go, go. Now get him, get him, get him, get him. Come on, come

on, come on. Like a real dude. This is what it's all about. Yes, yes, yes.

Come on, you know how to use a tampon. Janelle, push him. Go, go, go, go, go,

go. Push him hard like a butt plug.

Come on, come on.

Perfect. Perfect? I mean, it looks good to me.

You probably have better luck keeping warm, baby, if you light a fire.

No!

Okay.

How about we open the presents?

Great idea, Denise.

Y 'all kids getting close on dinner? Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yep, we just

the dress.

So why are the groceries sitting on the living room floor?

Oh, man.

Did we cook the food without the food again?

Guys. We got to do better.

For the mistletoe, I'm going

to get to know you better.

This Christmas and... Such our asses. They're going to open these gifts.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Terry, I cannot believe you got away with this without Terry finding out. I

know, right?

All right.

Someone call up our body?

Wrong house. The what?

Look, baby, this is one of them Christmas EMT strippers.

Sir, I'm sorry. We don't need nobody to dig the holes and balls tonight.

Okay? Merry Christmas, baby.

Oh, snitch ass.

Oh, really?

I'm a snitch ass?

There is a dead body in the fire.

There is a what?

A dead body? Hell no. When did Jesus come back for his birthday?

What is going on right now?

Terry, my son.

No. Terry, my son. You know, I'm your original daddy.

I love...

Which one of you black motherfuckers is Terry?

The gig is up. Knock it off, okay, Bernard?

I'm sorry to hear that.

I'm still gonna need that thousand dollars. You ain't getting shit.

Well, wait a minute, Ma. I mean, it's not his fault that he died.

I died?

Oh, must have been another heart attack.

Another one?

Yeah, I'd like to die sometime for a little while. Just go up and talk to my

mama.

But how'd I do? Do good?

Did your mama tell you not to fall asleep on the job? Because I hired you

Terry Dent, not a dead nigga in my fireplace.

You asked me to be a dead Pete? Can we talk now?

Hold on, let me just run this back, and I have to tell you, I'm a little

embarrassed.

But I'm probably not going to get my check from the mall for about a week.

So could one of y 'all float me $10 so I can get a Christmas dinner?

$10 for dinner? Where are you going? Chipotle?

Oh, my. No. I would never go to Chipotle on Christmas Eve. Thank God.

No, they closed. I'm going to Waffle House.

Let me see what I can do, Bernard.

Ma, you can't do them like this on Christmas Eve.

Shut the fuck up. You don't know this nigga.

Mr. Bernard, how would you like to stay and have Christmas dinner with us?

Oh, I really wouldn't like to impose.

If someone could just drive me back to my car so I have a nice warm place to

sleep tonight.

You live in your car, man? Yes.

Well, ever since I got evicted from my apartment.

When'd you get evicted?

Uh, 2008.

Well, is it a nice car, Lee?

PT Cruiser.

God damn.

How do you deliver gifts in your PT Cruiser? I pee, I drink some tea, and I

cruise.

Okay, okay, we have heard enough. Your thing.

Oh, that's sweet.

I'll be honest with you, I am hungry.

I'm famished too, brother.

Hey, at least the children made some Christmas dinner.

I told you they wasn't going to cook shit.

Well, maybe we would have had time to cook if we hadn't been helping you cook

body. Hey, you didn't even cook this nigga right.

Who you calling, baby? I'm ordering Chinese food.

Because if we get this man with these children cooked up in that kitchen, we

gonna kill him again.

Hey, Sue.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll take the usual.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Bernard, what would you like? Well, you know, whenever I indulge in Asian

cuisine, I like to have Christmas. Two usuals, please.

You know something?

This is the finest Christmas I've had in a long time.

I'm happy to hear that, but you drunk as fuck.

But I'm still happy to hear that.

Well, that's from lovely people.

Lovely people.

Well,

I don't know if it was the best Christmas ever, but it's what I'm going

remember for the rest of my days.

I don't know what you were thinking here. Pat?

I just wanted to get you a closure that you was looking for.

Have you missed some in your life?

I want to help you find it.

Hey, are you kidding me, baby? Look, how many men got wives that'll hire a mall

center to pretend to be their long -lost daddy?

Hopefully not many.

Hey, how many fathers have kids who will set out a plate for that mall center?

Huh? So you won't have no lonely Christmas.

I was wrong, Pat.

Yeah.

You know, I ain't missing nothing from my life at all.

I got everything I need.

I got it all, baby.

It's just turned midnight.

Merry Christmas, fam.

God bless us, y 'all, everyone.

That was beautiful, y 'all, for real, but we need to wrap up Christmas dinner

now. What do you mean? We ain't even wrapped our fortune cookies yet.

Okay, well, clearly it hasn't wafted over to your nose yet, Auntie, but this

1 ,000 % just shat his pants. Party over.

You kids don't appreciate

no good Christmas, do you?

That's because you ain't raising them right.

Shit shouldn't keep you from eating food.

I know that right, because we used to eat with the flies then with Denise.

Mm -hmm. Oh, goddamn, that shit just hit me. Let me get the fuck up out of here.

So I did all that for you. Where's my gift?

I cannot wait to see your face on this, Ma. Merry Christmas, baby.

Pat, meet your new daughter, Desiree.

Oh, my God.

I knew a dancer named Desiree back when we lived in Atlanta.

Good old Desiree.

I'm going to change her name because I don't want her to be named after no

bisexual freak.

Thank you, Terry.

Oh, what, Ma? She comes with her very own birth certificate.

Oh, she was born on my birthday.

Yeah, and you don't even have to eat it for dinner.

Merry Christmas, baby. Merry Christmas.

Let me guess, Janelle called the fucking FBI?

Okay.

Oh, my God.

Brandy!

Juva! Hey, hey, come drag this in here for me, please. I got my TV, baby.

Hey, girl, how'd you get in here so quick?

Yeah, I don't... Christmas Day. Even Amazon don't ship today, and they got

people pissing in jars down there.

I didn't buy that TV chair. I was going to buy that same model when it went on

sale after Christmas.

Wait a minute, baby. You didn't buy it? No.

Denise? Oh, you serious?

Yeah. No, T. The scratches are the only thing you're getting from me.

All right. Kids?

Mm -mm.

Huh. Oh, look.

Dad, there's a card on the side.

Merry Christmas to Terry from Santa.

Oh, I get it, Pat.

You're trying to do a little Christmas magic for your man.

I did not buy that TV, Denise.

Come on out here, y 'all!

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

It's snowing! Hey, it looks like we're gonna have us a white Christmas, baby.

Tell you what, Indiana, every damn thing is white.

Uh, should somebody wake up Mr. Bernard?

Oh, good call. I'll do it.

He's gone, y 'all.

He died again?

No, like, he's just not there.

Well, he was just out cold. Where did he go?

Ho, ho, ho!

Oh. My.

Fucking. God.

They call me Mr.

Claus!

That's why I never got in there for Christmas.

That is a broke...

it's gone

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