Original subtitles

MY NAME IS NATHAN FIELDER.

AND I GRADUATED FROM ONE OF CANADA'S TOP BUSINESS SCHOOLS

WITH REALLY GOOD GRADES.

NOW, I'M USING MY KNOWLEDGE TO HELP STRUGGLING

SMALL BUSINESS OWNERS MAKE IT IN THIS COMPETITIVE WORLD.

THIS IS NATHAN FOR YOU.

THIS IS MARK RAPPAPORT, OWNER OF MARKY SPARKY TOYS.

AND OF ALL THE PRODUCTS HE'S INVENTED,

ONE STANDS OUT AS THE ABSOLUTE WORST.

THE "DOINKIT" IS A STRANGE BALL THAT DOESN'T DO MUCH.

AND, UNFORTUNATELY FOR MARK, IT HASN'T BEEN

THE BIGGEST SELLER, EITHER.

IT'S NOT ALL FUN-- IT'S ALL FUN AND GAMES--

UNTIL NOBODY BUYS YOUR TOYS.

BUT AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, THE QUALITY OF THE TOY

SHOULDN'T MATTER, WHEN YOU'RE SELLING TO KIDS.

SO I PAID MARK A VISIT, WITH A WAY TO GET

THOSE DOINKITS SOLD.

WHEN YOU'RE A KID, WHAT'S THE ONE THING YOU WANT,

MORE THAN ANYTHING?

POWER.

NO. TO NOT BE SEEN AS A BABY.

IT'S VERY EASY TO MARKET TO KIDS,

BECAUSE THEIR BRAINS ARE SO SMALL.

SO RATHER THAN SELLING A BALL, MARK SHOULD BE SELLING

AN IDENTITY FOR CHILDREN. THAT IDENTITY?

THAT OWNING A DOINKIT IS THE ONLY WAY TO PROVE

YOU'RE NOT A BABY.

NO. NO.

THIS IS MARKETING 101.

A--ACCORDING TO YOU.

WELL, THAT'S WHAT SELLS PRODUCTS.

FANTASTIC! FANTASTIC. I AM SO EXCITED.

AM I SENSING SOME SARCASM?

YES.

MARK WASN'T CONVINCED, AND SAID THERE WAS ONLY

ONE THING THAT COULD WIN HIM OVER.

CASH. MONEY.

I NEEDED TO SHOW THAT THIS WOULD BE PROFITABLE.

SO LATER THAT WEEK, I ARRANGED A FOCUS GROUP

TO SEE IF MY MARKETING APPROACH WOULD WORK WITH ACTUAL CHILDREN.

WHEN I SHOW THIS TO YOU, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- DO YOU WANT IT? - NOPE.

- NAH. - NO.

WHY?

- DUMB. - IT'S DUMB?

YEAH.

OKAY, UH, HOLD ON A SECOND, GUYS.

I JUST GOT A CALL.

HELLO?

OH, YES SIR. REALLY?

OH MY GOD, YEAH, I'LL LET THEM KNOW.

SORRY, GUYS. THAT WAS THE PRESIDENT CALLING.

AND HE JUST TOLD ME THAT OWNING THIS TOY

IS NOW THE ONLY PROOF YOU'RE NOT A BABY.

WELL, I MEAN, I HAVE ONE.

SO THAT'S GOOD. ARE YOU GUYS BABIES? OR...

- NOPE. - NAH.

WELL YOU DON'T HAVE THE TOY, SO YOU MUST BE A BABY.

UNLESS YOU HAVE IT, THEN YOU'RE NOT.

OH, OKAY, SO NOW... YOU TWO AREN'T BABIES,

BUT ARE YOU A BABY?

- ARE YOU A BABY? - NO.

WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE THE TOY.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT KIDS THAT DON'T HAVE THE TOY?

- MM, SAD. - WEIRD.

- SAD? - WEIRD.

- WHY? - BECAUSE THEY'RE A BABY.

THE STRATEGY WORKED EVEN BETTER THAN I HAD HOPED.

SO I REBRANDED THE TOY'S PACKAGING

AND BROUGHT IT TO MARK, TO SEE WHAT HE THOUGHT.

IT'S HORRIBLE.

I MEAN, WHAT SPECIFICALLY?

UH, KID IN A DIAPER? WITH, UM,

CHILDREN POINTING AT HIM?

IF THIS IS THE BEST YOU'VE GOT, YOU'RE AWFUL.

I MEAN, I'M PUTTING A LOT OF EFFORT

AND RESOURCES INTO TRYING TO SELL...

- WELL YOU'RE NOT... - IT'S LESS--

YOU'RE NOT GOOD AT WHAT YOU DO.

UM, YOU'RE NOT GOOD AT WHAT YOU DO.

WORKING WITH MARK WAS ABOUT AS MUCH FUN

AS PLAYING WITH HIS TOYS.

BUT I WAS CONVINCED I COULD WIN HIM OVER

IF I SHOWED HIM RESULTS.

SO I WROTE AND SHOT A PROFESSIONAL TV COMMERCIAL

FOR THE DOINKIT, THAT WAS GUARANTEED

TO GET KIDS TO BUY IT.

IF YOU ARE BETWEEN THE AGES OF THREE AND EIGHT,

PLEASE LISTEN CLOSELY.

OWNING A DOINKIT IS NOW THE ONLY PROOF

THAT YOU ARE NOT A BABY.

IF YOU DON'T HAVE THIS TOY,

PEOPLE WILL THINK YOU WEAR DIAPERS,

AND CRY ALL THE TIME.

EVERYBODY WILL THINK YOU SLEEP IN A CRIB,

AND DRINK FROM A BOTTLE, IF YOU DON'T HAVE ONE OF THESE.

AND WHENEVER YOU SPEAK, ALL PEOPLE WILL HEAR IS,

"GOO GOO, GA GA."

SO TELL YOUR MOM OR DAD TO BUY YOU A DOINKIT.

BECAUSE OTHERWISE, AS FAR AS ANYONE'S CONCERNED,

YOU'RE A BABY.

OH, IT CAN ALSO BE USED AS A TOY BALL.

CUT. NICE.

IT WAS PERFECT.

BUT WHEN I TRIED TO BUY AD TIME ON A LOCAL STATION,

YOU'RE LYING TO THE KIDS, AND SAYING THAT THEY'RE A BABY

IF THEY DON'T HAVE THIS TOY.

THEY SAID A COMMERCIAL LIKE THIS WOULD NEVER MAKE IT ON TV.

AND THAT MEANT, I NEEDED A NEW APPROACH.

SO I CONVINCED A LOCAL TOY STORE TO CARRY THE DOINKIT,

BY OFFERING TO PROVIDE THEM WITH A SANTA, FREE OF CHARGE,

FOR THE APPROACHING HOLIDAY SEASON.

BUT WHAT THEY DIDN'T KNOW, IS THAT SANTA WAS MY OLD PAL,

JAMES BAILEY, WHO I COULD TRUST TO MAKE SURE

THAT EVERY KID WOULD BE ASKING FOR A DOINKIT FOR CHRISTMAS.

- AND WITH JAMES IN PLACE... - SANTA!

IT WAS TIME TO SELL SOME DOINKITS.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'D LIKE TO HAVE FOR CHRISTMAS?

UM, I WOULD REALLY WANT AN EVER AFTER HIGHDOLL.

WHY? THAT--THAT--THAT TELLS ME THAT YOU MUST BE A BABY.

- ARE YOU A BABY? - NO.

SEE ALL THESE PEOPLE MAKING FUN OF THE BOY?

SO, WE DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO THINK THAT YOU'RE A BABY

AND THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN PROVE THAT,

- IS IF YOU HAVE A DOINKIT TOY. - OKAY.

THE PLAN WAS WORKING GREAT.

- I NEED THIS, SO... - YOU'RE GONNA GET THIS?

ONE OF THE GIRLS THAT-- AT MY SCHOOL, SHE'S MEAN TO ME.

SHE'S MEAN TO YOU? OH, THAT'S NOT GOOD.

I WONDER IF THAT'S BECAUSE SHE MIGHT THINK YOU'RE A BABY,

BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE A DOINKIT.

WELL, THAT MUST MEAN YOU WEAR DIAPERS.

NO, I DON'T WEAR DIAPERS ANYMORE.

'CAUSE I DON'T WANNA BE A BABY, I SAID!

JUST DOESN'T SEEM LIKE SOMETHING SANTA SHOULD

BE SAYING, THAT KIDS ARE GONNA LOOK LIKE BABIES.

WELL THAT'S, THAT'S YOUR OPINION.

DESPITE A COUPLE UPTIGHT PARENTS,

THE DOINKIT WAS THE TOP-SELLING TOY OF THE DAY.

BUT WHEN I WENT BACK TO MARK WITH THE GOOD NEWS,

HE STILL DIDN'T GET IT.

THAT WAS HORRIBLE ADVICE AND AWFUL GRAPHICS,

- TERRIBLE DESIGN... - NO, BUT IT DID WORK.

- UNPROFESSIONAL... - OKAY.

YOU NEVER PROVED THAT IT WORKED.

WE DID GET SALES.

IN LIFE, NOT EVERYONE WILL SEE YOUR VISION.

BUT IT'S IMPORTANT TO ALWAYS TAKE THE HIGH ROAD.

AND SOMETIMES THE BEST WAY TO BRIGHTEN SPIRITS,

IS WITH A GIFT.

THIS IS YOU.

BUT THE BIGGEST DIFFERENCE BETWEEN

ME AND MARK, IS THAT WHEN I PLAY WITH TOYS,

- I WIN. - "HI, I'M MARKY.

I'M AN IDIOT BUSINESS MAN WITH A SMALL DICK.

I HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I HURT OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELINGS.

AND I'M THE LAUGHINGSTOCK OF MY INDUSTRY."

LAST SEASON ON MY SHOW,

I HELPED A PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR, NAMED BRIAN WOLFE,

BY GIVING HIM A POSITIVE REVIEW ON YELP.

I DON'T GIVE A FLYING ABOUT YELP, OKAY?

BUT WHEN I RECENTLY VISITED BRIAN,

HE TOLD ME SOMETHING THAT CAME AS A SHOCK.

WHEN I WAS ON YOUR SHOW, UM, I'VE RECEIVED

A LOT OF PHONE CALLS FROM DIFFERENT PRODUCTION COMPANIES,

AND--AND PERSONALLY, RIGHT NOW, I HAVE MY OWN REALITY SHOW.

IT'S TRUE. BRIAN GOT HIS OWN SHOW

ON THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL, AFTER I MADE HIM A STAR.

BUT I GOT NOTHING FROM THIS DEAL.

SO, WORRIED THAT MORE PEOPLE

FROM MY SHOW WOULD BE POACHED FOR THEIR OWN

REALITY SERIES, I WENT THROUGH THE ENTIRE FIRST SEASON,

TO SEE IF THERE WERE ANY OTHER POTENTIAL CANDIDATES.

AND THAT'S WHEN I REMEMBERED SIMON,

A PROFESSIONAL SECURITY GUARD, WITH ONE MAJOR WEAKNESS.

DOUBLE "D" BREASTS ARE ESSENTIAL FOR YOU?

IT'S GOTTA BE-- IT'S GOTTA BE SUBSTANTIAL.

HIS STORY HAD ALL THE INGREDIENTS

FOR A REALITY HIT.

SO I CALLED SIMON INTO MY OFFICE,

BECAUSE IF HE WAS GONNA GET HIS OWN SERIES,

I WANTED TO PRODUCE IT.

SO, SIMON.

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT PITCHING A REALITY SHOW

- ABOUT YOU? - WOW. THAT'S PRETTY BIG.

I WOULD--I WOULD DEFINITELY BE INTERESTED IN THAT.

TO ME, IT'S THE PERFECT CONCEPT.

YOU'RE A SECURITY GUARD WHO'S VERY GOOD AT HIS JOB,

BUT THERE'S ONLY ONE THING THAT DISTRACTS YOU.

- RIGHT. - WHICH IS?

UH, YEAH. GIRLS WITH UH, BIG-- BIG, UH, BREASTS.

SIMON WAS IN.

SO WE SPENT THE NEXT HOUR COMING UP WITH SOME

POTENTIAL STORYLINES FOR OUR SERIES.

LET'S SAY A SITUATION WHERE I WAS WORKING SECURITY

IN A STORE, AND, UM, A WOMAN WALKED IN, LIKE,

ALMOST EVERY DAY, WHO WAS VERY PRETTY,

BUT HAD SMALL BREASTS.

AND THEN, LIKE MAYBE A WEEK LATER,

SHE WALKED IN, UM, AND SHE HAD UH, LARGER BREASTS.

AND I COULD TELL THAT SHE'D HAD IMPLANTS, YOU KNOW.

THAT COULD BE, THAT COULD BE, LIKE ONE--TH--ONE--

THAT COULD BE ONE SHOW.

YOU KNOW AN EPISODE OF TV IS A HALF AN HOUR LONG, RIGHT?

RIGHT.

OKAY.

WE BRAINSTORMED A FEW MORE IDEAS,

AND AFTER SHOOTING A SHORT DEMO PRESENTATION,

I SET UP A PITCH MEETING WITH ONE OF THE BIGGEST

REALITY SHOW PRODUCERS IN THE COUNTRY,

FOR LATER THAT WEEK.

SO WE'LL CHECK BACK WITH THIS IN A BIT.

BUT FIRST...

IT'S A TOUGH TIME TO BE IN THE MOVIE THEATER BIZ.

WITH MOST OF THE TICKET SALES GOING TO THE PEOPLE

THAT MAKE THE MOVIES, THEATERS LIKE

WHITTIER VILLAGE CINEMAS, IN WHITTIER, CALIFORNIA,

HAVE TO RELY ON SNACK SALES TO SCRAPE BY.

THE CONCESSION'S WHERE YOU'RE GONNA MAKE MONEY.

THAT'S ALL WE ARE, IS ONE GIANT--

A MOVIE THEATER'S JUST ONE GIANT CONCESSION STAND.

SO I PAID THEATER MANAGER, ERIK CHAFFINO, A VISIT,

WITH A SIMPLE WAY TO INSTANTLY DOUBLE HIS PROFITS.

IT SEEMS LIKE, OFTENTIMES, ONE PERSON WILL BUY POPCORN,

- UH-HUH. - AND THEN TWO PEOPLE

WILL SHARE IT.

YEAH. PRETTY MUCH EVERY--

95% OF THE CUSTOMERS WILL SHARE.

BUT NOT ANYMORE.

FORCE EACH CUSTOMER TO BUY THEIR OWN CONCESSION ITEM

WITH A NEW RULE: NO SHARING ALLOWED.

HMM. DO YOU THINK THE CUSTOMERS ARE GONNA TREAT--

TAKE THAT WELL?

YOU KNOW, IF EDISON WAS WORRIED ABOUT

HIS CANDLE CUSTOMERS, HE WOULD HAVE NEVER

- INVENTED THE LIGHT BULB. - TRUE, TRUE.

IT TAKES A LITTLE BIT OF COURAGE TO BE THE FIRST ONE OUT THERE

TO CHANGE SOMETHING, SO...

AND THIS COULD BE, KIND OF, OF THAT CALIBER.

YEAH, LIKE YOU SAID, UH, THOMAS JEFFERSON WOULD,

IF HE WAS CARING ABOUT THE-- HIS CANDLE...

- EDISON. - EDISON, THANK YOU.

- YEAH, IT'S OKAY. - YEAH, SO, YEAH...

WHAT EDISON DID WITH THE CANDLES, YOU KNOW?

IF HE WAS AFRAID OF THAT, HE WOULDN'T HAVE INVENTED,

YOU KNOW, LIGHT BULBS, AND SO...

RIGHT.

ERIK WAS IN. SO THE NEXT DAY, AFTER PREPPING THE STAFF,

WE PUT THE NEW POLICY INTO EFFECT.

CAN I HAVE A SMALL POPCORN, PLEASE?

YOU GUYS CAN'T BE SHARING, SO, DO YOU GUYS WANT

- TWO SMALL POPCORNS? - SHHH--UH, SURE.

IT SEEMED TO BE WORKING, AS SOME PEOPLE WERE

ADJUSTING THEIR ORDERS, AND BUYING A SECOND ITEM.

- ONE PER EACH. -THANK YOU.

THERE YOU GO, ENJOY. BUT AS MORE CUSTOMERS ARRIVED,

I BECAME WORRIED THAT PEOPLE WERE TRYING TO GET AROUND

THE POLICY.

OKAY.

AND WHEN I LOOKED INSIDE THE THEATER,

MY SUSPICIONS WERE CONFIRMED.

SO I DISCREETLY HAD TO REMIND PEOPLE

THAT THEY WERE IN VIOLATION OF THEATER RULES.

I'M SORRY, WE CAN'T-- WE CAN'T HAVE YOU SHARING.

I SAW YOU SHARING.

I SAW HIM TAKE SOME.

DID YOU HAVE ANY? 'CAUSE IT'S ALL OVER YOUR SHIRT, HERE...

OKAY, CAN I--J-- I'M SORRY, DO YOU MIND IF I...

SMELL YOUR FINGERS?

OKAY, SO IT SMELLS LIKE POPCORN?

HE DID, SO HE DID. IT'S BASICALLY STEALING

FROM THE THEATER, WHEN YOU DO THAT.

IT WAS TOO EASY TO CHEAT,

AND WITHOUT A GOOD WAY TO MONITOR WHAT WAS GOING ON

INSIDE THE THEATER, IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE

FOR THE NO-SHARING POLICY TO BE ENFORCED.

SO BEFORE THE EVENING RUSH,

I SET UP SEVERAL NIGHT-VISION CAMERAS

AT THE FRONT OF THE THEATER,

ENABLING US TO VIEW ANY PEOPLE THAT DECIDED TO SHARE

FROM MONITORS I SET UP IN THE BACK ROOM.

AND WHILE TRAINING THE STAFF, I LEARNED THAT THE CAMERAS

MIGHT BE USEFUL TO THE THEATER FOR ANOTHER PURPOSE, AS WELL.

IT'S USUALLY, IT'S LIKE OLDER, LIKE, UM, MIDDLE-AGED MEN

GOING TO LIKE A KID'S MOVIE BY THEMSELVES, LATE AT NIGHT.

BUT WE'VE NEVER ACTUALLY, LIKE, CAUGHT SOMEBODY...

- OH, OKAY. - MID-PROCESS.

SO THIS COULD WORK FOR POPCORN-SHARERS.

AND--AND PERVERTS.

I WAS HAPPY IT COULD SERVE A DUAL PURPOSE,

BUT SINCE ALL THE CAMERA ANGLES WERE CURRENTLY SET UP

TO CATCH PEOPLE SHARING SNACKS, I HAD FRANK HELP ME

ADJUST THE ANGLES, TO MAKE SURE THEY COULD ALSO SPOT

THEATER PERVERTS, NO MATTER WHERE THEY WERE SITTING.

A LITTLE HIGHER UP.

AND AS WE PERFECTED THE CAMERA'S VANTAGE POINT,

I GOT TO KNOW A LITTLE BIT MORE ABOUT THIS TOWN I WAS IN.

SO WHAT'S LIFE LIKE IN WHITTIER?

THERE'S A--QUITE A FEW PARKS, THAT ARE COOL.

UM, RONALD REAGAN WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL HERE.

COLLEGE... I THINK IT HAS THE MOST TREES?

IN ANY CITY? VARIETY OF TREES...

WOW. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

ONCE THE CAMERAS WERE ALL SET,

I GOT IN PLACE FOR THE NEXT SHOWING.

AND WHAT I SAW, SHOCKED ME.

SHARE. BOOM.

GOTCHA. THAT'S PREMEDITATED SHARING.

THEY'RE JUST SHAMELESS. THEY JUST KEEP DOING IT.

IT'S JUST LIKE NO ONE IS EVEN-- EVERYONE IS SHARING.

KNOWING THAT THIS BEHAVIOR WOULD ONLY CONTINUE

WITHOUT SOME SORT OF CONSEQUENCE,

AFTER THE SCREENING WAS OVER,

I LED TWO OF THE PERPETRATORS INTO THE BACK ROOM,

TO MAKE AN EXAMPLE OF THEM.

UH, THIS RIGHT HERE IS OUR, UH, MONITORING SYSTEM.

- AND YOU GUYS WERE SHARING. - MM-HMM.

BECAUSE OF THAT, THAT MEANS YOU--YOU HAVE TO

- GO UP ON THE BOARD. - WHAT BOARD?

- THE... - "POPCORN SHARING

- AND THEATERS... UH-HUH. - THIS IS A VIOLATIONS BOARD.

WELL, I DON'T THINK... I MEAN, WE SHARED POPCORN.

- WE WEREN'T MASTURBATING THERE. - NO.

IT'S NOT YOU, THAT'S FOR WHEN WE CATCH SOMEONE ELSE.

- OH. - WE JUST HAVE ONE BOARD

FOR BOTH.

OKAY, WELL YOU NEED TO MAKE TWO SEPARATE BOARDS,

'CAUSE I AIN'T GONNA BE A MASTURBATOR UP THERE.

THESE CORK BOARDS ARE LIKE $20.

SO, WE'D HAVE TO BUY TWO, IF IT WAS FOR--

AND A SEPARATE ONE FOR MASTURBATORS.

- SO WE JUST MADE IT ONE BOARD. - WELL, YOU GUYS RUN A THEATER.

YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO AFFORD TWO BOARDS.

OKAY, THANK YOU FOR THAT FEEDBACK.

- AND WE MIGHT TAKE IT IN... - YEAH.

TO ACCOUNT.

WITH A PUNISHMENT IN PLACE, I WAS HOPEFUL IT WOULD

CURB VIOLATORS. BUT THE ONE THING I FOUND OUT

ABOUT WHITTIER, IS THAT PEOPLE WERE JUST FLAT-OUT RUDE.

I DON'T MIND BEING ON THE BOARD.

BECAUSE I'LL SHARE, AND SHARE, AND SHARE.

WHEN I FINALLY SHOWED ERIK THE SYSTEM,

HE WASN'T AS EXCITED AS I HAD HOPED.

MAY NOT BE FOR THIS THEATER. IT MAY NOT BE WHAT WE NEED.

OKAY.

IT WAS A HARD BLOW, HAVING TWO BUSINESSES REJECT

MY IDEAS IN ONE WEEK MADE ME SAD.

MY ONLY HOPE WAS THAT MY PITCH WITH SIMON

WOULD TURN THINGS AROUND.

IT WAS THE DAY OF OUR BIG PITCH.

AND SIMON AND I NERVOUSLY WAITED

IN THE LOBBY FOR OUR MEETING.

BEFORE GETTING INTO THE PITCH, IT MIGHT BE GOOD TO START OFF

WITH, YOU KNOW, SOME HOLLYWOOD CHITCHAT, OR...

- RIGHT. - MAKE 'EM AWARE THAT YOU--

- YOU KNOW--YOU KNOW THE INDUSTRY. - YEAH. A LITTLE SMALL TALK.

- YEAH. - YEAH, OKAY.

WITH SIMON PREPPED, WE MET WITH REALITY TV PRODUCER

BRANT PINVIDIC TO SEE IF WE COULD LAND A DEAL

FOR OUR NEW REALITY SHOW.

DO YOU REMEMBER THAT MOVIE CAPTAIN PHILLIPS?

I DO.

YEAH, I HEARD THAT THE, UH, SOMALI ACTOR WHO PLAYED THE, UH,

WHO PLAYED THE PART OF ONE OF THE PIRATES,

I HEARD THAT HE'S ALMOST BROKE-- BROKE RIGHT NOW, SO...

- TOUGH. - YEAH.

- TOUGH BUSINESS. - YEAH, IT IS.

IT'S NOT ALL GLAMOUR.

AFTER SIMON ESTABLISHED HIS INDUSTRY CRED,

WE CUED UP OUR SHOW FOR BRANT.

HERE WE GO.

"MY NAME IS SIMON KELLOGG,

AND I'M A PROFESSIONAL SECURITY GUARD.

MY JOB REQUIRES CONSTANT FOCUS, AND SPLIT-SECOND RESPONSE TIME.

NOTHING CAN KEEP ME FROM FOCUSING ON MY DUTY,

EXCEPT FOR ONE THING...

A CRIPPLING OBSESSION WITH LARGE BREASTS.

THIS IS MY STORY.

THIS IS SIMON SEES."

EVERY MORNING, I WAKE UP ABOUT 7:00 a.m. OR 7:15 a.m.,

AND THEN I USUALLY HAVE A GLASS OF WATER

THAT I PUT ON THE BEDSIDE TABLE THE NIGHT BEFORE.

THEN I MAKE MY BED,

AND THEN I GO INTO THE BATHROOM AND I, UH, SHAVE,

BRUSH MY TEETH, AND TAKE A SHOWER.

NEXT, I COME BACK INTO MY BEDROOM, AND,

IF IT'S A WORK DAY, I PUT ON MY SECURITY UNIFORM.

UH, USUALLY MY SOCKS FIRST, AND THEN MY PANTS,

AND THEN MY UNDERSHIRT, AND THEN MY SECURITY SHIRT.

I USUALLY DON'T DO UP MY PANTS UNTIL I HAVE MY SHIRTS ON,

BECAUSE IT'S EASIER TO TUCK MY SHIRTS IN,

AFTER I'VE HAD MY PANTS ON.

THEN I GO INTO MY KITCHEN, AND I USUALLY HAVE, UH,

BREAKFAST, AND SOMETIMES A CUP OF COFFEE.

TODAY, FOR BREAKFAST, I MADE A HOT POCKET SANDWICH,

BECAUSE IT TASTED BETTER THAN EATING CEREAL.

THEN THE MICROWAVE SOUNDED, AND I KNEW MY HOT POCKETS

WAS DONE, SO I TOOK IT OUT OF THE MICROWAVE.

MY TRICK IS TO TAKE, UH, THE FIRST BITE, AND THEN

OPEN THE SANDWICH A LITTLE BIT, AND THEN I BLOW ON THE INSIDE,

UH, TO COOL IT DOWN.

AND THEN AFTER I FINISHED

EATING THE HOT POCKET SANDWICH, I, UH, RINSED OFF MY PLATE,

AND PUT IT ON THE DISH DRAINER.

THEN I LEAVE THE HOUSE AND GO TO WORK.

TODAY I WAS ASSIGNED TO WORK AT A JEWELRY STORE

IN CHATSWORTH.

I ALWAYS TRY TO BE HONEST ABOUT THINGS,

SO WHENEVER I START A NEW JOB, I ALWAYS TRY TO LET THE OWNER

KNOW ABOUT ME, SO THERE WILL BE NO SURPRISES.

THERE IS JUST ONE THING THAT I THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT...

UM, SOMETIMES I GET DISTRACTED BY WOMEN WITH BIG CHESTS,

UM, YOU KNOW, I MIGHT BE LOOKING AT THEM, OR SOMETHING,

BUT I, I--I--I--

OKAY, THIS IS SOMETHING WE REALLY DON'T NEED TO DISCUSS,

- I BELIEVE. - OKAY.

AFTER I BRIEFED HIM, I GOT IN TO MY POSITION AND STARTED WORKING.

I LIKE TO STAND BY THE DOOR, SO I CAN SEE EVERYBODY

WHO'S COMING IN, AND WATCH FOR ANY SUSPICIOUS PEOPLE.

I NOTICED THAT THERE WAS A FEMALE EMPLOYEE,

UH, SHE WAS ASIAN, AND IN HER-- IN HER EARLY TO MID 30S.

BUT SHE WAS NOT A DISTRACTION, BECAUSE SHE DID NOT

HAVE LARGE BREASTS.

THEN, ABOUT 20 OR 30 MINUTES LATER,

I HEARD THE DOOR OPEN, AND I SAW A CUSTOMER WALK IN.

AND I NOTICED IT WAS A WOMAN WITH LARGE BREASTS.

IF A ROBBERY HAPPENED THEN, I WOULD PROBA--PROBABLY

BE SO DISTRACTED BY THE WOMAN, THAT I WOULD PROBABLY

NOT EVEN NOTICE IT.

WHILE THE WOMAN WAS IN THE STORE,

I JUST KEPT THINKING ABOUT ALL THE THINGS

I'D LIKE TO DO WITH HER.

HOW I'D LIKE TO GET NAKED WITH HER,

AND START TO, UH, START TO HOLD HER BREASTS,

AND, UH, MASSAGE THEM. AND THEN, UM, TO USE MY HANDS

AND TRY TO UH, TRY TO ROCK THEM.

AND, UH, MASSAGE THEM.

THAT'S SUPER, SUPER PRETTY. I REALLY LIKE THAT.

WELL, WHEN I GET INTO THIS STATE, TIME STANDS STILL

OR IT KINDA LIKE, SLOWS DOWN, UH, UH, TO A--

TO AN ALMOST-STOPPING POINT.

I MEAN, I HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF A SENSE OF TIME.

I KNOW THAT TIME IS MOVING, BUT IT'S MOVING

VERY, VERY SLOWLY.

WHEN SHE LEFT, I OPENED THE DOOR FOR HER,

AND SAID, "GOOD-BYE, HAVE A NICE DAY."

- THANK YOU, HAVE A GOOD DAY. - YOU TOO, THANK YOU.

IT ALLOWS ME TO GET ONE LAST GLANCE

A--A--AT HER, AS SHE LEAVES.

I THINK THEY WERE PROBABLY "D" OR DOUBLE "D."

AFTER, WHEN THERE WAS A BREAK IN THE CUSTOMERS,

I FELT THE NEED TO GO TO MY EMPLOYER AND

EXPLAIN MY SITUATION TO HIM.

UM, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE AWARE OF THIS,

BUT A LITTLE WHILE AGO, A YOUNG WOMAN CAME IN

WHO HAD A VERY BIG CHEST,

AND, UM, I COULDN'T HELP BUT LOOK AT HER, AND I--

I GOT A LITTLE DISTRACTED, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU...

UM, I DON'T KNOW THAT THIS SHOULD BE SOMETHING

THAT WE KEEP BRINGING UP, SIMON.

I'M JUST CONCERNED WHY YOU KEEP BRINGING IT UP.

I DON'T THINK IT'S NECESSARY TO TALK ABOUT IT,

AS LONG AS YOU CAN DO YOUR JOB.

- OKAY. - OKAY?

WELL I PROMISE I WON'T LET MYSELF GET DISTRACTED AGAIN.

- OKAY. - OKAY.

I THINK THE EXPERIENCE CHANGED ME FOR THE BETTER,

BECAUSE IT HELPED ME REALIZE THAT

IT WAS PRETTY EMBARRASSING TO TALK ABOUT THAT,

SO, UM, NEXT TIME

I PROBABLY WON'T TELL MY BOSS ABOUT BEING DISTRACTED AT WORK

BY WOMEN WITH LARGE BREASTS.

UH, UH LISTEN. IT'S WELL SHOT, IT'S WELL PUT TOGETHER,

UM, THE IDEA THAT YOU CAN'T DO YOUR JOB

WITH LARGE BREASTS FLOATING AROUND

- IS A FUNNY HOOK. - YEAH.

UH, THE BIGGEST LIMITATION, OF COURSE, IS THAT

THERE'S NOWHERE TO SELL IT.

WELL, I THINK THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE--

NOT JUST SECURITY GUARDS, A LOT OF MEN--

WHEN THEY WATCH THIS, THEY WOULD PROBABLY FEEL

- A LITTLE LESS... - RIGHT.

LIKE IT WAS A PERVERSION, AND MORE OF A NATURAL THING,

- YOU KNOW? YEAH. - RIGHT.

- RIGHT, SO IT'S HUMANIZING IT. - YEAH. IN YOUR CURRENT FORM,

I'M GONNA HAVE TO SAY NO, I'M SORRY. IT'S A PASS.

- AND PASS MEANS THAT... - NO.

RIGHT.

I WAS UPSET THAT WE COULDN'T SELL THE SHOW.

BUT I FELT EVEN WORSE THAT I LET DOWN SIMON,

AFTER GETTING HIS HOPES UP.

- ARE YOU SAD? - A LITTLE BIT.

I REALLY WAS HOPING THAT HE LIKED THE SHOW.

BUT SIMON SHOWED A QUALITY THAT DAY,

THAT YOU RARELY SEE IN PEOPLE: PERSEVERANCE.

HE'S PROBABLY A LITTLE BIT-- A LITTLE BIT OUT OF TOUCH

WITH THE MAINSTREAM AUDIENCE IN AMERICA, I THINK.

I THINK WE SHOULD KEEP THE BREASTS PART,

AND MAYBE, UH, MAYBE ALSO INCLUDE ME IN MY ELVIS COSTUME.

- DO YOU HAVE AN ELVIS COSTUME? - YES.

SIMON DIDN'T WANT TO GIVE UP ON OUR SHOW.

AND EVEN THOUGH IT WAS OBVIOUS THAT THE ELVIS COSTUME

WOULD ONLY MAKE THINGS WORSE, HIS SPIRIT MADE ME REALIZE

THAT SIMON WOULD BE FINE, NO MATTER WHAT

LIFE THREW AT HIM.

THAT WAS GREAT.

OKAY.

I MEAN, I THINK IF YOU'D ASK HIM,

WHO HE WOULD RATHER BE, OF THESE CHILDREN,

HE CERTAINLY IS NOT GONNA PICK THE ONE WHO LOOKS LIKE A BABY.

WELL, MAYBE THAT'S BECAUSE SANTA JUST TOLD HIM

HE'S GONNA LOOK LIKE A BABY, THOUGH.

HMM.