Original subtitles

Hi everybody. [cheering] Happy New Year.

Hi everybody. [cheering] Happy New Year.

Hi everybody. [cheering] Happy New Year. I'm Jimmy. I'm the host.

I'm Jimmy. I'm the host.

I'm Jimmy. I'm the host. Thank you. Thank you for watching.

Thank you. Thank you for watching.

Thank you. Thank you for watching. Please settle in. We have [cheering] We

Please settle in. We have [cheering] We

Please settle in. We have [cheering] We have so much to cover. I want to um

have so much to cover. I want to um

have so much to cover. I want to um thanks for joining us. Uh we did it. We

thanks for joining us. Uh we did it. We

thanks for joining us. Uh we did it. We made it. We survived 2025. And for a

made it. We survived 2025. And for a

made it. We survived 2025. And for a minute there, it was touch and go. It

minute there, it was touch and go. It

minute there, it was touch and go. It didn't seem like it was going to happen.

didn't seem like it was going to happen.

didn't seem like it was going to happen. And now we uh look forward to all the

And now we uh look forward to all the

And now we uh look forward to all the horrors the new year will bring.

horrors the new year will bring.

horrors the new year will bring. [laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter] Imagine if it's worse. Did you have a

Imagine if it's worse. Did you have a

Imagine if it's worse. Did you have a good break, Mo?

good break, Mo?

good break, Mo? >> It was great. Fantastic.

>> It was great. Fantastic.

>> It was great. Fantastic. >> You had a good You went to Cancun,

>> You had a good You went to Cancun,

>> You had a good You went to Cancun, right?

right?

right? >> Yeah. Beautiful weather. Cancun, as you

>> Yeah. Beautiful weather. Cancun, as you

>> Yeah. Beautiful weather. Cancun, as you told me you went. Yes.

told me you went. Yes.

told me you went. Yes. >> Cancun. Yes.

>> Cancun. Yes.

>> Cancun. Yes. >> And they let you back in. No problem.

>> And they let you back in. No problem.

>> And they let you back in. No problem. >> Yeah. No problem.

>> Yeah. No problem.

>> Yeah. No problem. >> Remember what I told you? If they

>> Remember what I told you? If they

>> Remember what I told you? If they mentioned my name, what do you say?

mentioned my name, what do you say?

mentioned my name, what do you say? >> No. Speak English. [cheering]

>> No. Speak English. [cheering]

>> No. Speak English. [cheering] >> That's [applause] right. Donald Trump um

>> That's [applause] right. Donald Trump um

>> That's [applause] right. Donald Trump um did so much crazy stuff over the last

did so much crazy stuff over the last

did so much crazy stuff over the last two weeks. It would take a nine-part Ken

two weeks. It would take a nine-part Ken

two weeks. It would take a nine-part Ken Burns documentary series to cover it

Burns documentary series to cover it

Burns documentary series to cover it all. But I'm going to do my best to boil

all. But I'm going to do my best to boil

all. But I'm going to do my best to boil it down. You know, he hosted an award

it down. You know, he hosted an award

it down. You know, he hosted an award show over the break. After boasting

show over the break. After boasting

show over the break. After boasting about what a great host he is and how

about what a great host he is and how

about what a great host he is and how much better he is than I am and how huge

much better he is than I am and how huge

much better he is than I am and how huge his ratings would be, Trump hosted the

his ratings would be, Trump hosted the

his ratings would be, Trump hosted the lowest rated Kennedy Center Honors

lowest rated Kennedy Center Honors

lowest rated Kennedy Center Honors telecast of all time. [cheering]

I'll tell [applause] you something.

I'll tell [applause] you something.

I'll tell [applause] you something. I'd hate to be the White House intern

I'd hate to be the White House intern

I'd hate to be the White House intern that had to tear that headline out of

that had to tear that headline out of

that had to tear that headline out of all the papers and eat them. [laughter]

all the papers and eat them. [laughter]

all the papers and eat them. [laughter] You know, as I recall, he said he would

You know, as I recall, he said he would

You know, as I recall, he said he would step down if this happened, right? He

step down if this happened, right? He

step down if this happened, right? He said, "If I can't beat out Jimmy Kimmel,

said, "If I can't beat out Jimmy Kimmel,

said, "If I can't beat out Jimmy Kimmel, then I don't think I should be

then I don't think I should be

then I don't think I should be president." And well, hey, a deal is a

president." And well, hey, a deal is a

president." And well, hey, a deal is a deal. Back to Mara Lago, you [cheering]

deal. Back to Mara Lago, you [cheering]

deal. Back to Mara Lago, you [cheering] don't.

don't.

don't. He also [applause]

He also [applause]

He also [applause] missed out on this gem from December

missed out on this gem from December

missed out on this gem from December 19th when at a rally in North Carolina,

19th when at a rally in North Carolina,

19th when at a rally in North Carolina, he finally broke his silence on the

he finally broke his silence on the

he finally broke his silence on the first lady's underpants.

first lady's underpants.

first lady's underpants. >> Her undergarments

>> Her undergarments

>> Her undergarments sometimes referred to as panties.

sometimes referred to as panties.

sometimes referred to as panties. >> That's right. Sometimes

>> That's right. Sometimes

>> That's right. Sometimes [laughter] I can't think of a more

[laughter] I can't think of a more

[laughter] I can't think of a more fitting or vomitous way to end a

fitting or vomitous way to end a

fitting or vomitous way to end a terrible year than hearing Donald Trump

terrible year than hearing Donald Trump

terrible year than hearing Donald Trump use the word panties on television. That

use the word panties on television. That

use the word panties on television. That should be a war crime. It is amazing

should be a war crime. It is amazing

should be a war crime. It is amazing that he even has time to say the word

that he even has time to say the word

that he even has time to say the word panties. Over the last two weeks since

panties. Over the last two weeks since

panties. Over the last two weeks since we left for break, Trump posted on Truth

we left for break, Trump posted on Truth

we left for break, Trump posted on Truth Social 556 times, "Behold the ramblings

Social 556 times, "Behold the ramblings

Social 556 times, "Behold the ramblings of a madman." That is real. He was in an

of a madman." That is real. He was in an

of a madman." That is real. He was in an especially festive mood on Christmas

especially festive mood on Christmas

especially festive mood on Christmas Eve. Now, just after our show ended

Eve. Now, just after our show ended

Eve. Now, just after our show ended around 12:30 a.m., he threatened to

around 12:30 a.m., he threatened to

around 12:30 a.m., he threatened to terminate us. He said, "If network

terminate us. He said, "If network

terminate us. He said, "If network newscasts and their late night shows are

newscasts and their late night shows are

newscasts and their late night shows are almost 100% negative to President Donald

almost 100% negative to President Donald

almost 100% negative to President Donald J. Trump, MAGA, and the Republican

J. Trump, MAGA, and the Republican

J. Trump, MAGA, and the Republican party, shouldn't their very valuable

party, shouldn't their very valuable

party, shouldn't their very valuable broadcast licenses be terminated?" I say

broadcast licenses be terminated?" I say

broadcast licenses be terminated?" I say yes. And to all a good night. This is

yes. And to all a good night. This is

yes. And to all a good night. This is the This is the vision of sugar plums

the This is the vision of sugar plums

the This is the vision of sugar plums that are dancing in his head as he goes

that are dancing in his head as he goes

that are dancing in his head as he goes to sleep. And then St. Nicholas offered

to sleep. And then St. Nicholas offered

to sleep. And then St. Nicholas offered this cheery salutation. He wrote, "Merry

this cheery salutation. He wrote, "Merry

this cheery salutation. He wrote, "Merry Christmas to all, including the many

Christmas to all, including the many

Christmas to all, including the many sleeves bags who love Jeffrey Estee.

sleeves bags who love Jeffrey Estee.

sleeves bags who love Jeffrey Estee. Leave it to Trump to wish a merry

Leave it to Trump to wish a merry

Leave it to Trump to wish a merry Christmas to himself in Russia." And

Christmas to himself in Russia." And

Christmas to himself in Russia." And then he closed with [applause]

then he closed with [applause]

then he closed with [applause] this ominous

this ominous

this ominous message. Enjoy what may be your last

message. Enjoy what may be your last

message. Enjoy what may be your last merry Christmas. What is that? What is

merry Christmas. What is that? What is

merry Christmas. What is that? What is he trying to tell us? Is he he's going

he trying to tell us? Is he he's going

he trying to tell us? Is he he's going down? He's taking us with him. I don't

down? He's taking us with him. I don't

down? He's taking us with him. I don't know. But fortunately, he did not share

know. But fortunately, he did not share

know. But fortunately, he did not share that sentiment with a group of children.

that sentiment with a group of children.

that sentiment with a group of children. They lined up to speak to him. On the

They lined up to speak to him. On the

They lined up to speak to him. On the night before Christmas, the president

night before Christmas, the president

night before Christmas, the president and first lady took part in an annual

and first lady took part in an annual

and first lady took part in an annual tradition of chatting on the phone with

tradition of chatting on the phone with

tradition of chatting on the phone with kids who were calling it the Santa

kids who were calling it the Santa

kids who were calling it the Santa tracker hotline. They rroot them to the

tracker hotline. They rroot them to the

tracker hotline. They rroot them to the White House. And this is the kind this

White House. And this is the kind this

White House. And this is the kind this is the kind of situation where he really

is the kind of situation where he really

is the kind of situation where he really shines. Well, we track Santa all over

shines. Well, we track Santa all over

shines. Well, we track Santa all over the world. We want to make sure that

the world. We want to make sure that

the world. We want to make sure that Santa is being good. Santa's a very good

Santa is being good. Santa's a very good

Santa is being good. Santa's a very good person. We want to make sure that he's

person. We want to make sure that he's

person. We want to make sure that he's not infiltrating,

not infiltrating,

not infiltrating, >> that we're not infiltrating into our

>> that we're not infiltrating into our

>> that we're not infiltrating into our country a bad Santa. So, we found out

country a bad Santa. So, we found out

country a bad Santa. So, we found out that Santa is good.

that Santa is good.

that Santa is good. >> Santa loves you. Santa loves Oklahoma

>> Santa loves you. Santa loves Oklahoma

>> Santa loves you. Santa loves Oklahoma like I do. You know, Oklahoma was very

like I do. You know, Oklahoma was very

like I do. You know, Oklahoma was very good to me in the election. So, I love

good to me in the election. So, I love

good to me in the election. So, I love Oklahoma. Don't ever leave Oklahoma.

Oklahoma. Don't ever leave Oklahoma.

Oklahoma. Don't ever leave Oklahoma. Okay.

Okay.

Okay. >> Okay. I'll try.

>> Okay. I'll try.

>> Okay. I'll try. >> Good. That's good.

>> Good. That's good.

>> Good. That's good. Is it is it at all possible that Donald

Is it is it at all possible that Donald

Is it is it at all possible that Donald Trump is unfamiliar with the concept of

Trump is unfamiliar with the concept of

Trump is unfamiliar with the concept of Santa Claus or unfamiliar with the

Santa Claus or unfamiliar with the

Santa Claus or unfamiliar with the concept of children? I He's telling a a

concept of children? I He's telling a a

concept of children? I He's telling a a 10year-old he won Oklahoma. [laughter]

10year-old he won Oklahoma. [laughter]

10year-old he won Oklahoma. [laughter] >> Hey, let's go to line three, shall we?

>> Hey, let's go to line three, shall we?

>> Hey, let's go to line three, shall we? >> This is Crew

Pennsylvania,

Pennsylvania,

Pennsylvania, >> right? I know. Oh, Pennsylvania is

>> right? I know. Oh, Pennsylvania is

>> right? I know. Oh, Pennsylvania is great. We won Pennsylvania.

great. We won Pennsylvania.

great. We won Pennsylvania. Actually, three times, but

Actually, three times, but

Actually, three times, but >> we won Pennsylvania. There you go.

>> we won Pennsylvania. There you go.

>> we won Pennsylvania. There you go. >> We won it in a landslide. So, I live

>> We won it in a landslide. So, I live

>> We won it in a landslide. So, I live Pennsylvania.

Pennsylvania.

Pennsylvania. >> Can you imagine not just bragging to

>> Can you imagine not just bragging to

>> Can you imagine not just bragging to children, which is very strange, but

children, which is very strange, but

children, which is very strange, but also being the president of the United

also being the president of the United

also being the president of the United States and bragging to children. How

States and bragging to children. How

States and bragging to children. How much affirmation does this man need? And

much affirmation does this man need? And

much affirmation does this man need? And then for the third time in 5 years, he

then for the third time in 5 years, he

then for the third time in 5 years, he enlisted Vanilla Ice to perform at his

enlisted Vanilla Ice to perform at his

enlisted Vanilla Ice to perform at his Mara Lago New Year's Eve party, which is

Mara Lago New Year's Eve party, which is

Mara Lago New Year's Eve party, which is a lot of times for a guy with one song.

a lot of times for a guy with one song.

a lot of times for a guy with one song. Ice baby [music]

Ice baby [music]

Ice baby [music] in the house

in the house

in the house baby.

baby.

baby. [music]

>> What year were they ringing in? 1991. I

>> What year were they ringing in? 1991. I

>> What year were they ringing in? 1991. I [laughter] mean, President Trump said

[laughter] mean, President Trump said

[laughter] mean, President Trump said his New Year's resolution this year is

his New Year's resolution this year is

his New Year's resolution this year is peace on earth. And that lasted for just

peace on earth. And that lasted for just

peace on earth. And that lasted for just under two days. Um, if you were

under two days. Um, if you were

under two days. Um, if you were wondering how bad these Epstein files

wondering how bad these Epstein files

wondering how bad these Epstein files are for Trump, turns out they're invade

are for Trump, turns out they're invade

are for Trump, turns out they're invade Venezuela bad. This is literally the

Venezuela bad. This is literally the

Venezuela bad. This is literally the plot of the movie Wag the Dog. The

plot of the movie Wag the Dog. The

plot of the movie Wag the Dog. The president gets caught in a sex scandal,

president gets caught in a sex scandal,

president gets caught in a sex scandal, so he attacks a smaller country to

so he attacks a smaller country to

so he attacks a smaller country to distract us. And here we are distracted.

distract us. And here we are distracted.

distract us. And here we are distracted. On Saturday, Venezuelan President

On Saturday, Venezuelan President

On Saturday, Venezuelan President Nicholas Maduro and his wife were

Nicholas Maduro and his wife were

Nicholas Maduro and his wife were captured by Delta Force at their home in

captured by Delta Force at their home in

captured by Delta Force at their home in Caracus and brought to New York. Trump

Caracus and brought to New York. Trump

Caracus and brought to New York. Trump watched the operation unfold in real

watched the operation unfold in real

watched the operation unfold in real time from the bunker in his basement at

time from the bunker in his basement at

time from the bunker in his basement at Mara Lago. You can see there he is with

Mara Lago. You can see there he is with

Mara Lago. You can see there he is with Hegath and Marco Rubio. This mission was

Hegath and Marco Rubio. This mission was

Hegath and Marco Rubio. This mission was called Operation Absolute Resolve, which

called Operation Absolute Resolve, which

called Operation Absolute Resolve, which is a title that was definitely generated

is a title that was definitely generated

is a title that was definitely generated by ChatGBT.

by ChatGBT.

by ChatGBT. Venezuela has the largest oil reserves

Venezuela has the largest oil reserves

Venezuela has the largest oil reserves in the world, especially now that Diddy

in the world, especially now that Diddy

in the world, especially now that Diddy is locked up. And so,

is locked up. And so,

is locked up. And so, after [applause and cheering]

after [applause and cheering]

after [applause and cheering] months of

months of

months of of escalation, [applause]

of escalation, [applause]

of escalation, [applause] Trump decided Maduro had to go. And yes,

Trump decided Maduro had to go. And yes,

Trump decided Maduro had to go. And yes, he's a criminal and a dictator who's

he's a criminal and a dictator who's

he's a criminal and a dictator who's driven his country into financial ruin

driven his country into financial ruin

driven his country into financial ruin while he and his family have lined their

while he and his family have lined their

while he and his family have lined their own pockets. But Maduro is no saint

own pockets. But Maduro is no saint

own pockets. But Maduro is no saint either. And thank you. So with Maduro

either. And thank you. So with Maduro

either. And thank you. So with Maduro out, the question is who is going to run

out, the question is who is going to run

out, the question is who is going to run Venezuela? And the answer is this guy.

Venezuela? And the answer is this guy.

Venezuela? And the answer is this guy. >> We're going to run the country until

>> We're going to run the country until

>> We're going to run the country until such time as we can do a safe, proper,

such time as we can do a safe, proper,

such time as we can do a safe, proper, and judicious

and judicious

and judicious transition. So, so we are going to run

transition. So, so we are going to run

transition. So, so we are going to run the country until such time as we can do

the country until such time as we can do

the country until such time as we can do a safe, proper and judicious

a safe, proper and judicious

a safe, proper and judicious transition. And it has to be judicious

transition. And it has to be judicious

transition. And it has to be judicious because that's what we're all about.

because that's what we're all about.

because that's what we're all about. >> That word I can barely say judicious.

>> That word I can barely say judicious.

>> That word I can barely say judicious. [laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter] You cook. I'll do dishes. It's

You cook. I'll do dishes. It's

You cook. I'll do dishes. It's that's what we're going to be.

that's what we're going to be.

that's what we're going to be. >> [applause and cheering]

>> [applause and cheering]

>> [applause and cheering] >> He might be I mean

>> He might be I mean

>> He might be I mean I I think he might be gargling Nyquil or

I I think he might be gargling Nyquil or

I I think he might be gargling Nyquil or something. He's going to run Venezuela.

something. He's going to run Venezuela.

something. He's going to run Venezuela. HE CAN'T EVEN RUN THE COUNTRY HE RUNS.

HE CAN'T EVEN RUN THE COUNTRY HE RUNS.

HE CAN'T EVEN RUN THE COUNTRY HE RUNS. THIS IS LIKE if JC Penney decided to buy

THIS IS LIKE if JC Penney decided to buy

THIS IS LIKE if JC Penney decided to buy Sears for 10 years he's been promising

Sears for 10 years he's been promising

Sears for 10 years he's been promising this plan for healthcare. Now he's

this plan for healthcare. Now he's

this plan for healthcare. Now he's running another country that I guarantee

running another country that I guarantee

running another country that I guarantee you he could not find on a map. I would

you he could not find on a map. I would

you he could not find on a map. I would bet anything on that. What is he

bet anything on that. What is he

bet anything on that. What is he thinking? Is running the United States

thinking? Is running the United States

thinking? Is running the United States not enough? I mean, if you're looking

not enough? I mean, if you're looking

not enough? I mean, if you're looking for a challenge, try a sit up. Do

for a challenge, try a sit up. Do

for a challenge, try a sit up. Do something other than So, here's Maduro

something other than So, here's Maduro

something other than So, here's Maduro arriving in New York in handcuffs. 40%

arriving in New York in handcuffs. 40%

arriving in New York in handcuffs. 40% chance Trump thinks he captured Saddam

chance Trump thinks he captured Saddam

chance Trump thinks he captured Saddam Hussein.

Hussein.

Hussein. But with the spectre of Epstein and his

But with the spectre of Epstein and his

But with the spectre of Epstein and his approval ratings and the golden toilet

approval ratings and the golden toilet

approval ratings and the golden toilet Trump needed to win, something his

Trump needed to win, something his

Trump needed to win, something his magaminions could crow about, and none

magaminions could crow about, and none

magaminions could crow about, and none more so than that little teeth sucker,

more so than that little teeth sucker,

more so than that little teeth sucker, Lindsey Graham. To my Democratic

Lindsey Graham. To my Democratic

Lindsey Graham. To my Democratic friends, you should be celebrating this.

friends, you should be celebrating this.

friends, you should be celebrating this. When Bin Laden went down, I was the

When Bin Laden went down, I was the

When Bin Laden went down, I was the first to applaud President Obama.

first to applaud President Obama.

first to applaud President Obama. >> By the way, you know, you mentioned

>> By the way, you know, you mentioned

>> By the way, you know, you mentioned something that's interesting. Lindsay

something that's interesting. Lindsay

something that's interesting. Lindsay mentioned Bin Laden. Do you know I wrote

mentioned Bin Laden. Do you know I wrote

mentioned Bin Laden. Do you know I wrote about Bin Laden one year before the

about Bin Laden one year before the

about Bin Laden one year before the attack on the World Trade Center and I

attack on the World Trade Center and I

attack on the World Trade Center and I said, "You got to go after Bin Laden."

said, "You got to go after Bin Laden."

said, "You got to go after Bin Laden." It was in my book.

It was in my book.

It was in my book. >> Okay, so here's how you know when Trump

>> Okay, so here's how you know when Trump

>> Okay, so here's how you know when Trump is lying. This is his tell. I finally

is lying. This is his tell. I finally

is lying. This is his tell. I finally figured it out. He doesn't just lie

figured it out. He doesn't just lie

figured it out. He doesn't just lie once. He does it a second time. If

once. He does it a second time. If

once. He does it a second time. If >> they would have listened to me, they

>> they would have listened to me, they

>> they would have listened to me, they would have taken out Bin Laden and you

would have taken out Bin Laden and you

would have taken out Bin Laden and you wouldn't have had the World Trade Center

wouldn't have had the World Trade Center

wouldn't have had the World Trade Center tragedy.

tragedy.

tragedy. >> Yeah, this is certainly going.

>> Yeah, this is certainly going.

>> Yeah, this is certainly going. >> Did you know that? I predicted Bot

>> Did you know that? I predicted Bot

>> Did you know that? I predicted Bot >> I learned something every day.

>> I learned something every day.

>> I learned something every day. >> No, but did you hear that?

>> No, but did you hear that?

>> No, but did you hear that? >> Well, now I just heard it right now.

>> Well, now I just heard it right now.

>> Well, now I just heard it right now. >> No, I wrote a book. It was one year

>> No, I wrote a book. It was one year

>> No, I wrote a book. It was one year before the attack that the book came out

before the attack that the book came out

before the attack that the book came out and it talked about there's a whole

and it talked about there's a whole

and it talked about there's a whole page, a whole section dedicated to a guy

page, a whole section dedicated to a guy

page, a whole section dedicated to a guy named Bin Laden who's a bad guy who you

named Bin Laden who's a bad guy who you

named Bin Laden who's a bad guy who you have to take out.

have to take out.

have to take out. So, I'll get the book.

So, I'll get the book.

So, I'll get the book. >> You don't have to get the book, Lindsay.

>> You don't have to get the book, Lindsay.

>> You don't have to get the book, Lindsay. We checked. He says nothing of the kind.

We checked. He says nothing of the kind.

We checked. He says nothing of the kind. There's a brief mention of Bin Laden

There's a brief mention of Bin Laden

There's a brief mention of Bin Laden written two years after Clinton indicted

written two years after Clinton indicted

written two years after Clinton indicted him on charges of terrorism and sent

him on charges of terrorism and sent

him on charges of terrorism and sent cruise missiles in to destroy his camp.

cruise missiles in to destroy his camp.

cruise missiles in to destroy his camp. There's no warning. There's no

There's no warning. There's no

There's no warning. There's no prediction. There's none of that any of

prediction. There's none of that any of

prediction. There's none of that any of that stuff. But I do look forward to

that stuff. But I do look forward to

that stuff. But I do look forward to when Lindsey Graham gets the book and

when Lindsey Graham gets the book and

when Lindsey Graham gets the book and sets the record straight. But so now

sets the record straight. But so now

sets the record straight. But so now with Venezuela under his belt, Trump's

with Venezuela under his belt, Trump's

with Venezuela under his belt, Trump's been ramping up threats on Mexico,

been ramping up threats on Mexico,

been ramping up threats on Mexico, Colombia, even Greenland. He says we

Colombia, even Greenland. He says we

Colombia, even Greenland. He says we need Greenland for national security,

need Greenland for national security,

need Greenland for national security, and that the EU should make that happen

and that the EU should make that happen

and that the EU should make that happen for Trump has always had a thing for

for Trump has always had a thing for

for Trump has always had a thing for Greenland. It's um Greenland, it's cold,

Greenland. It's um Greenland, it's cold,

Greenland. It's um Greenland, it's cold, it's icy, and white, just like the woman

it's icy, and white, just like the woman

it's icy, and white, just like the woman he married. And so he feels and and of

he married. And so he feels and and of

he married. And so he feels and and of course, China is very excited about all

course, China is very excited about all

course, China is very excited about all this. They've been looking at Taiwan

this. They've been looking at Taiwan

this. They've been looking at Taiwan like it's a tasty little piece of dim

like it's a tasty little piece of dim

like it's a tasty little piece of dim sum and now anything goes. You could

sum and now anything goes. You could

sum and now anything goes. You could just take what you want. It all seems

just take what you want. It all seems

just take what you want. It all seems very It's almost comic book crazy. But

very It's almost comic book crazy. But

very It's almost comic book crazy. But Trump says there's nothing wrong with

Trump says there's nothing wrong with

Trump says there's nothing wrong with him. He said the White House doctors

him. He said the White House doctors

him. He said the White House doctors have reported he's in perfect health and

have reported he's in perfect health and

have reported he's in perfect health and that I aced meaning was correct on 100%

that I aced meaning was correct on 100%

that I aced meaning was correct on 100% of the questions asked. He defines the

of the questions asked. He defines the

of the questions asked. He defines the word aced for like we're the ones with

word aced for like we're the ones with

word aced for like we're the ones with dementia. I aced for the third straight

dementia. I aced for the third straight

dementia. I aced for the third straight time my cognitive exam. something which

time my cognitive exam. something which

time my cognitive exam. something which no other president or previous vice

no other president or previous vice

no other president or previous vice president was willing to take or asked

president was willing to take or asked

president was willing to take or asked to take. By the way, these cognitive

to take. By the way, these cognitive

to take. By the way, these cognitive exams, [laughter]

exams, [laughter]

exams, [laughter] they're about as difficult as the maze

they're about as difficult as the maze

they're about as difficult as the maze on the on the back of the of a box of

on the on the back of the of a box of

on the on the back of the of a box of Captain Crunch. But he's still very

Captain Crunch. But he's still very

Captain Crunch. But he's still very proud of his performance.

proud of his performance.

proud of his performance. >> But I've taken now three cognitive

>> But I've taken now three cognitive

>> But I've taken now three cognitive tests. I've got I've aced every single

tests. I've got I've aced every single

tests. I've got I've aced every single one of them. And

one of them. And

one of them. And [applause and cheering]

they're clapping for that. Listen,

they're clapping for that. Listen,

they're clapping for that. Listen, [laughter] I'm not sure being asked to

[laughter] I'm not sure being asked to

[laughter] I'm not sure being asked to take three cognitive exams is quite the

take three cognitive exams is quite the

take three cognitive exams is quite the flex he thinks it is.

flex he thinks it is.

flex he thinks it is. >> I did something no other president's

>> I did something no other president's

>> I did something no other president's ever done. I took cognitive tests

ever done. I took cognitive tests

ever done. I took cognitive tests because I know that. And by the way, not

because I know that. And by the way, not

because I know that. And by the way, not easy.

easy.

easy. >> Not easy. Oh, well, tell us about the

>> Not easy. Oh, well, tell us about the

>> Not easy. Oh, well, tell us about the questions you answered.

questions you answered.

questions you answered. >> You know, the first question is like,

>> You know, the first question is like,

>> You know, the first question is like, what is this? And they show a lion, a

what is this? And they show a lion, a

what is this? And they show a lion, a giraffe, a fish,

giraffe, a fish,

giraffe, a fish, and a hippopotamus, right?

and a hippopotamus, right?

and a hippopotamus, right? and they say which is the giraffe.

and they say which is the giraffe.

and they say which is the giraffe. So that's the only question. But what

So that's the only question. But what

So that's the only question. But what happens is it then gets harder

happens is it then gets harder

happens is it then gets harder [laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter] harder than that. I don't I find that

harder than that. I don't I find that

harder than that. I don't I find that hard to believe. You know, we've been

hard to believe. You know, we've been

hard to believe. You know, we've been hearing so much about these cognitive

hearing so much about these cognitive

hearing so much about these cognitive tests. He keeps acing. You guys know

tests. He keeps acing. You guys know

tests. He keeps acing. You guys know what ACE means? [laughter] Okay. All

what ACE means? [laughter] Okay. All

what ACE means? [laughter] Okay. All right. And I've offered him the

right. And I've offered him the

right. And I've offered him the opportunity to take the test live on

opportunity to take the test live on

opportunity to take the test live on television. He still hasn't gotten back

television. He still hasn't gotten back

television. He still hasn't gotten back to me on it. So, in the interest of

to me on it. So, in the interest of

to me on it. So, in the interest of fairness and also to get a sense of what

fairness and also to get a sense of what

fairness and also to get a sense of what he keeps babbling about, we got in touch

he keeps babbling about, we got in touch

he keeps babbling about, we got in touch with a doctor who gives this test

with a doctor who gives this test

with a doctor who gives this test regularly, these cognitive exams, and I

regularly, these cognitive exams, and I

regularly, these cognitive exams, and I asked her to administer one uh to me.

asked her to administer one uh to me.

asked her to administer one uh to me. This is the official exam administered

This is the official exam administered

This is the official exam administered by a medical professional. I did not see

by a medical professional. I did not see

by a medical professional. I did not see the questions ahead of time, and I'm

the questions ahead of time, and I'm

the questions ahead of time, and I'm willing to release the full unedited

willing to release the full unedited

willing to release the full unedited version if necessary. But with that

version if necessary. But with that

version if necessary. But with that said, let's find out just how difficult

said, let's find out just how difficult

said, let's find out just how difficult this big, beautiful test is and how my

this big, beautiful test is and how my

this big, beautiful test is and how my brain stacks up against our stable

brain stacks up against our stable

brain stacks up against our stable genius presidents.

[laughter] So, this is Dr. Swanson. What

[laughter] So, this is Dr. Swanson. What

[laughter] So, this is Dr. Swanson. What kind of doctor are you, Dr. Swanson?

kind of doctor are you, Dr. Swanson?

kind of doctor are you, Dr. Swanson? >> I'm an internal medicine doctor.

>> I'm an internal medicine doctor.

>> I'm an internal medicine doctor. >> And that means inside, right?

>> And that means inside, right?

>> And that means inside, right? >> Yes.

>> Yes.

>> Yes. >> Do I pass?

>> Do I pass?

>> Do I pass? >> It's a good start, though, right? Real

>> It's a good start, though, right? Real

>> It's a good start, though, right? Real solid start.

solid start.

solid start. >> Good start.

>> Good start.

>> Good start. >> What kind of people typically get this

>> What kind of people typically get this

>> What kind of people typically get this cognitive exam? It's usually for our

cognitive exam? It's usually for our

cognitive exam? It's usually for our patients that are 65 and over as part of

patients that are 65 and over as part of

patients that are 65 and over as part of their annual physical.

their annual physical.

their annual physical. >> If I do poorly, will it affect my credit

>> If I do poorly, will it affect my credit

>> If I do poorly, will it affect my credit score?

score?

score? >> Okay. Should I take my shirt off?

>> Okay. Should I take my shirt off?

>> Okay. Should I take my shirt off? >> Yeah.

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah. >> All right. Should we get started?

>> All right. Should we get started?

>> All right. Should we get started? >> Sure. Let me get the test out.

>> Sure. Let me get the test out.

>> Sure. Let me get the test out. >> Is this the one that President Trump

>> Is this the one that President Trump

>> Is this the one that President Trump takes?

takes?

takes? >> I believe so.

>> I believe so.

>> I believe so. >> Oh, great. So, we'll really be able to

>> Oh, great. So, we'll really be able to

>> Oh, great. So, we'll really be able to compare apples to apples here. Or in his

compare apples to apples here. Or in his

compare apples to apples here. Or in his case,

case,

case, >> orange. Right. Okay.

>> orange. Right. Okay.

>> orange. Right. Okay. >> So, I'm going to give you a pen.

>> So, I'm going to give you a pen.

>> So, I'm going to give you a pen. >> Okay. Thank you. And then I want you to

>> Okay. Thank you. And then I want you to

>> Okay. Thank you. And then I want you to start.

start.

start. >> How do you work this?

>> How do you work this?

>> How do you work this? >> Okay. All right.

>> Okay. All right.

>> Okay. All right. >> I want you to draw a line between a

>> I want you to draw a line between a

>> I want you to draw a line between a number and a letter in ascending order.

number and a letter in ascending order.

number and a letter in ascending order. So they already started this for you. So

So they already started this for you. So

So they already started this for you. So there's a line between the one and the A

there's a line between the one and the A

there's a line between the one and the A and then the A to the two. And then you

and then the A to the two. And then you

and then the A to the two. And then you keep going until you get to the E.

keep going until you get to the E.

keep going until you get to the E. >> Okay.

>> Okay.

>> Okay.

>> Okay. >> And then in the next box,

>> And then in the next box,

>> And then in the next box, >> I'm going to have you draw this design

>> I'm going to have you draw this design

>> I'm going to have you draw this design in the space below.

in the space below.

in the space below. >> Okay.

And then in this side, I'm going to have

And then in this side, I'm going to have

And then in this side, I'm going to have you draw a clock face. So, a circle and

you draw a clock face. So, a circle and

you draw a clock face. So, a circle and then all the numbers. And then once you

then all the numbers. And then once you

then all the numbers. And then once you have all those on there, I'll tell you

have all those on there, I'll tell you

have all those on there, I'll tell you what time to draw the hands pointing to.

what time to draw the hands pointing to.

what time to draw the hands pointing to. >> Okay. All right.

>> Okay. All right.

>> Okay. All right. >> And then I want you to draw the time as

>> And then I want you to draw the time as

>> And then I want you to draw the time as 1110.

1110.

1110. >> 1110. A little one

>> 1110. A little one

>> 1110. A little one and a big one.

and a big one.

and a big one. >> Tell me the name of this animal.

>> Tell me the name of this animal.

>> Tell me the name of this animal. >> That's a lion.

>> That's a lion.

>> That's a lion. >> And then tell me the name of that

>> And then tell me the name of that

>> And then tell me the name of that animal.

animal.

animal. >> That's a rhino. And then tell me the

>> That's a rhino. And then tell me the

>> That's a rhino. And then tell me the name of that animal.

name of that animal.

name of that animal. >> That's a camel. I just saw Zootopia, so

>> That's a camel. I just saw Zootopia, so

>> That's a camel. I just saw Zootopia, so I know all the answers.

I know all the answers.

I know all the answers. >> Very good. The next is the real meat of

>> Very good. The next is the real meat of

>> Very good. The next is the real meat of the memory task. I'm going to read you

the memory task. I'm going to read you

the memory task. I'm going to read you some words.

some words.

some words. >> We're going to go through it twice just

>> We're going to go through it twice just

>> We're going to go through it twice just so it really goes to an important part

so it really goes to an important part

so it really goes to an important part of your brain so you don't forget it

of your brain so you don't forget it

of your brain so you don't forget it later.

later.

later. >> Okay.

>> Okay.

>> Okay. >> So, the words are face, [music] velvet,

>> So, the words are face, [music] velvet,

>> So, the words are face, [music] velvet, church, daisy, and red.

church, daisy, and red.

church, daisy, and red. >> Face, velvet, church, daisy, red.

>> Face, velvet, church, daisy, red.

>> Face, velvet, church, daisy, red. >> Okay. And then for the next part of the

>> Okay. And then for the next part of the

>> Okay. And then for the next part of the test, I'm going to have you uh repeat

test, I'm going to have you uh repeat

test, I'm going to have you uh repeat numbers after me. Um, so the numbers are

numbers after me. Um, so the numbers are

numbers after me. Um, so the numbers are 21854.

21854.

21854. >> 21854.

>> 21854.

>> 21854. >> Next one. Um, I'm going to read read a

>> Next one. Um, I'm going to read read a

>> Next one. Um, I'm going to read read a string of number or a string of letters.

string of number or a string of letters.

string of number or a string of letters. >> You know, you messed up there, right?

>> You know, you messed up there, right?

>> You know, you messed up there, right? >> I did. I lost a point. Yeah. Um, every

>> I did. I lost a point. Yeah. Um, every

>> I did. I lost a point. Yeah. Um, every time I say the letter A, I want you to

time I say the letter A, I want you to

time I say the letter A, I want you to tap your hand on the table. Every time I

tap your hand on the table. Every time I

tap your hand on the table. Every time I say a letter that's not A, don't tap

say a letter that's not A, don't tap

say a letter that's not A, don't tap your hand.

your hand.

your hand. >> Okay.

>> Okay.

>> Okay. >> A A A J K L B.

>> A A A J K L B.

>> A A A J K L B. >> It's really good, right?

>> It's really good, right?

>> It's really good, right? >> You're great.

>> You're great.

>> You're great. >> Almost musical.

>> Almost musical.

>> Almost musical. >> Yeah. Um, the next one I'm going to have

>> Yeah. Um, the next one I'm going to have

>> Yeah. Um, the next one I'm going to have you do some math. And so we're going to

you do some math. And so we're going to

you do some math. And so we're going to start at 100 and subtract seven. What do

start at 100 and subtract seven. What do

start at 100 and subtract seven. What do you get?

you get?

you get? >> 93. [music]

>> 93. [music]

>> 93. [music] >> 93 - 7

>> 93 - 7

>> 93 - 7 >> 86

>> 86

>> 86 >> - 7

>> - 7

>> - 7 >> 79.

>> 79.

>> 79. >> I'm going to read a sentence and you're

>> I'm going to read a sentence and you're

>> I'm going to read a sentence and you're just going to repeat the sentence after

just going to repeat the sentence after

just going to repeat the sentence after me. I only know that John is the one to

me. I only know that John is the one to

me. I only know that John is the one to help today.

help today.

help today. >> I only know that John is the one to help

>> I only know that John is the one to help

>> I only know that John is the one to help today.

today.

today. >> Tell me as many words that you can think

>> Tell me as many words that you can think

>> Tell me as many words that you can think of with the letter F. Ready, set, go.

of with the letter F. Ready, set, go.

of with the letter F. Ready, set, go. Fart, fish, flop, fan, funk,

Fart, fish, flop, fan, funk,

Fart, fish, flop, fan, funk, frantic,

frantic,

frantic, friend,

friend,

friend, flop, flip,

flop, flip,

flop, flip, flow,

flow,

flow, feel,

feel,

feel, freezing. [music]

freezing. [music]

freezing. [music] >> Okay, you already got a goal of 11 words

>> Okay, you already got a goal of 11 words

>> Okay, you already got a goal of 11 words and you still have 42 seconds to spare.

and you still have 42 seconds to spare.

and you still have 42 seconds to spare. So,

So,

So, >> what words do you think Trump came up

>> what words do you think Trump came up

>> what words do you think Trump came up with for the letter F?

with for the letter F?

with for the letter F? >> Let's see.

>> Let's see.

>> Let's see. >> No comment. finances,

>> No comment. finances,

>> No comment. finances, French fries, fat.

French fries, fat.

French fries, fat. >> Okay?

>> Okay?

>> Okay? >> And then for the next part, I'm going to

>> And then for the next part, I'm going to

>> And then for the next part, I'm going to tell you two words, and I want you to

tell you two words, and I want you to

tell you two words, and I want you to tell me how they're similar. Train and

tell me how they're similar. Train and

tell me how they're similar. Train and bicycle,

bicycle,

bicycle, >> modes of transportation.

>> modes of transportation.

>> modes of transportation. >> And then back to those five words I told

>> And then back to those five words I told

>> And then back to those five words I told you earlier. Can you recall any of those

you earlier. Can you recall any of those

you earlier. Can you recall any of those words? Oh, uh, church.

words? Oh, uh, church.

words? Oh, uh, church. Um,

Um,

Um, velvet [music]

velvet [music]

velvet [music] face.

face.

face. Was it red

Was it red

Was it red and daisy?

and daisy?

and daisy? >> Perfect. Um, so let me just add

>> Perfect. Um, so let me just add

>> Perfect. Um, so let me just add everything up here. You got a perfect

everything up here. You got a perfect

everything up here. You got a perfect score.

score.

score. >> So I can be president. [applause]

>> So I can be president. [applause]

>> So I can be president. [applause] >> And by the way, Manny's [music]

>> [cheering]

>> I want to go up here. [music]