Original subtitles

Not ready yet.

In five.

We've handled many, many more types than our normal practice.

There are four of these every day. The company face.

The company face.

And we wipe to us. Any plant that was built there would have to be a very

one. I don't understand.

You don't have much time to move around.

And it is. I'm filming now.

Ready to take you into development as yet.

In five, four, three, two, one.

Two,

ready for work.

Take out on two is sort of a mumbler to development.

I'm sorry.

Say that.

Easy come, easy go, Steve. One take, one roll on marker.

And now from Hollywood, the game show that has all America getting up. Easy

come, easy go, the game show with the man with the rubber face, Jack Harper.

Thank you, thank you. Welcome once again to Easy Come, Easy Go.

I'm your host.

Jack Harper.

With us, of course, our prize girl.

Also, our prize guy.

Today, we're welcoming back our reigning champion. From Glendora, Walt and Dina!

So far, Walt and Dina have won $300

,000 in cash.

and over $100 ,000 in prizes.

And now our challengers. Ready for anything.

From Waltina, Glenn and Dora.

All right!

How's it feel, guys? Are you ready to win some big bucks today?

You bet.

Yeah, come on, let's go.

Glenn, I understand that Dora is your second wife.

My first wife got killed by a topographical error in a health book.

Folks, Glenn is one tough guy.

Before the show, I saw him using barbed wire as dental floss.

Okay, you all know the rules, so let's play easy come, easy go.

First, for our viewers at home, here's the secret word.

You got it?

Okay.

Now, Bob?

Tell them what they'll win.

It's a new yacht, and not just any yacht. This yacht slices, dices, chops,

makes julienne fries. Whoever she is. Back to you, Jack.

Now, your clue is, it's something a lady puts on when company comes

unexpectedly.

Dina. A pot of coffee?

No. Keep trying. You think about that for a moment.

Bob. Thank you, Jack.

Mrs. Elvira Smegma of Fort Lane, New Jersey writes in and says, I did so

last month's championship couple. Would it be possible to see them in action

again? Well, just for you, Mrs. Smegma, here they are, Bob and Mary Phillips.

Hmm. Hmm

um oh

um

Okay, that was hot. Now, let's start the questioning with Glenn and Dora.

How much do you want to go for, guys?

We're going for a double, Jack.

All right, a double.

That's $20 ,000 and two minutes of your time.

Here's the question.

How can you spot a Polish lesbian?

She likes men.

Hey, that's correct for $20 ,000 and two minutes of your time.

Okay, you also win a McMurphy chainsaw with two -speed variable reverse, safety

grip, and a one -way splash guard.

And Bob, tell them what else they've won.

You know a busy executive who never has time for lunch? Well, it's lunch in a

bottle. Yes, carefully designed by top hospital nutritionists, this lunch in a

bottle packs easily, goes anywhere, and downs in a single gulp. Yes, lunch in a

bottle, only from Burp Co.

And that's not all.

You smoke?

and you're worried about home defense, check out this beautiful pistol lighter.

It doubles as a pistol and a cigarette lighter. Just make sure you set the

safety switch mode in the proper position and go to town.

You can kill yourself with cancer, or you can kill the burglars breaking down

the door.

Only from Revco. Back to you, Jack.

Okay,

right now I want to throw out an open question.

Anybody can hit the buzzer. Are you ready?

Okay. What are three reasons that women like hunters?

Okay, Dora.

Because they're strong, rugged, and keep their guns well -oiled.

Aha!

Great answer, but not the right one.

Okay, Dina, you want to take a crack at it.

They go deep into the bush, they always shoot twice, and they always eat what

they shoot.

Right you are for $30 ,000 and three minutes.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, let's go on.

Next question here is for Walt and Dina.

Let's go for a triple jack.

Okay, big fella.

Yeah. Okay, for $30 ,000 and three minutes, how many masticates does it

take to change a light bulb?

Well, Jack, I'd have to say two.

One to change the light bulb and the other one to kick that chair out from

underneath the other one.

That's right for $30 ,000 in three minutes.

And you also win an Edward Teller memorial bedpan.

Bob, tell them what else they've won.

It's a genuine simulated imitation all completely plastic diamond ring.

Estimated retail value of three quarters of a million dollars. Reap value of two

billion dollars.

Yes, you'll wear this in pride.

And you'll eat the finest food prepared by Chef Gregory.

Yes, look at that incredible meal he's prepared in only three and a half hours.

And it's low calorie, too.

Back to you, Jack.

Okay, right now I want to throw out a bonus question.

Are we ready?

What's the difference between a flower and a lizard?

Dina. The taste?

That's right.

You get a lifetime supply of lingerie, and you also get to be dictator of the

Philippines.

Tell them about it, Bob.

It's the Philippine Islands, not just any tropical paradise, but your own

beautiful downtown beaches and palm trees with a willing native labor force

ready to go to work just for you and your wife.

Listen, Dina, you want to take me with you?

Okay.

Our next question is for Glenn and Dora.

We'll make it a double.

Hey, a double it is.

That'll be worth $20 ,000 in two minutes of time.

Okay, guys.

Complete this sentence.

If all the fish caught this year were laid end -to -end in the Sahara Desert,

they would... They would what?

We don't know.

Too bad.

Well, folks, the answer is... If all the fish caught this year were laid end -to

-end in the Sahara Desert, they would stink like shit.

I'm sorry,

you lose $20 ,000 and two minutes to Walt and Dina.

$20 ,000. Uno, dos. And two minutes.

Now, Walt and Dina can collect that money and the time as soon as they get

answer right.

But first, a word from Airstrike.

Airstrike is the aftershave that uses firm arms and genetic recombinant

technology so powerful that any man wearing it is completely irresistible to

woman.

Men, does it seem like she's not enough of a woman?

Have you tried being not enough of a man, or at least...

More of a man than the amount of woman she's being.

Try Airstrike aftershave.

A cultured blend of pheromones, genetic recombining technology, and subatomic

physics that leaves you smelling.

Also try Airstrike after bath, after breakfast, after hours, after glow, and

after burners. Now imported from Paris.

Exclusively at the tiny shops.

Now available at thrifties, only $1 .99.

Okay, we're back.

Now, Glenn and Dora are already in trouble. They just lost two minutes of

And it's Walt and Dina's question.

What say, folks?

Well, Jack, I'm going to have to go for a triple again.

What balls?

Okay. Okay, Walt.

Why did the dog lick his ball?

Jack, that's easy.

Because he can.

Hey! Right you are. You get the $20 ,000 from...

dip head over there and also you win 30 000 and three minutes

okay start the clock

three minutes i want to see those tits okay let's go

Whip it out, big guy!

Hold it. That's the clock. Back to our game.

Okay. This is it, folks. The tailspin round. It's an open question, so anybody

can answer.

Everybody ready?

Those hands ready, huh?

Okay. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?

Dora.

Erotic is when you use feathers.

Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.

Absolutely correct.

Dora, Glenn, here is a path to Molly Torhouse.

Good for unlimited rides and attractions, just like Walt and Dina.

Okay, folks, bring out the magic mattress.

Boy, is this a little bit of a show.

Right, I did win.

You like that? You want more?

Just lick it, okay?

Come on.

Give it some time, baby.

Give it some lip.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, give him a lip like that.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, get him.

Oh, yeah. Give him a lip.

Oh, yeah.

I'm working,

baby. Come on.

Yeah, dude.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Come on.

Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's what I like.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Pump it up, baby. Come on. Pump it up.

Come on.

Pump it.

Jerk it, baby. Come on.

You're not going to hurt it.

So good.

I want you too, baby.

Fuck you so good.

I'm going to knock you out.

Oh

Oh, yeah.

Folks,

we'll be right back after these.

You Joe Thursday?

How's that?

Thursday. Joe Thursday.

That's right.

Candy. Candy Monday.

Monday. No.

Mun -dee. So what kind of name is Monday?

That's Mun -dee. It's French.

Well, what can I do for you Monday?

You got something against Lady Cop?

Just when the heat's on, I want a man behind me.

A lot of men in San Francisco feel that way.

Look. I'm not asking you to marry me.

Just work with me.

Show me the rope.

I can't. I can't.

Oh. Oh.

Girl, you have such a sweet mouth.

Oh, this is your salvation.

Oh, praise Reverend Quipwell.

You preach inner peace through inner course.

That's right, officer.

Do you know a better way?

I'll ask the questions around here, Buster.

Does it seem like she is not enough of a woman?

Have you tried being not enough of a man, or at least more of a man than the

amount of woman she is being? Which, of course, is less than the amount of man

you were before she was the woman that she is now, which is to say, less than

the man that you are now, more than the womanhood in her.

Have you tried a strike after she, fair mons?

genetic recombining technology and subatomic physics combined with this

blend of special fragrances, she will not be able to resist.

Airstrike. To turn the woman in her into the man in you, so you can be the man

on top of her.

Airstrike will make her love you.

Also try Airstrike after bath.

After breakfast, after hours, after glow, and after burn.

Now imported from Paris, exclusively at the Pine Shop.

Now available at thrifties, only $1 .99.

Airstrike will make her laugh.

Okay, folks, we're back. And now, a special treat.

It's time for the all or nothing question.

Are you ready?

Here we go.

How do you know if your spouse is cheating on you?

Think about it.

Okay, Walt, this is it.

It's when he wakes up at 3 in the morning and says, I gotta get home.

Right! He's got it! He did it!

Okay, big fella!

Here you go.

Half a million bucks.

Yes, Bob!

Tell him what else he wins.

And what home would be complete without nuclear waste? Yes, authentic nuclear

waste from the Soviet Chernobyl accident.

Not only is it an incredibly beautiful conversation piece, but it's practical,

too. Just pop a dinner on top, and in five to ten minutes, it's piping hot,

from Soviet Co.

And making every homemaker's job a dream, this beautiful iron.

And this iron has one special safety feature. If it's left unattended in the

position... In five minutes, it turns itself on to 460 degrees and turns over

onto anything, setting it instantly aflame. Yes, the safety iron. And that's

all. It's a tank, and not just any tank.

Its official road speed exceeds 60 miles an hour, and it gets six miles to the

gallon. Highway, three miles to the gallon. City, it'll carry you and eight

your best friends around in complete comfort and security.

No one will steal your hubcaps. Back to you, Jack.

Next question goes to Walt and Dean again, folks.

Well, Jack, like usual, we're going for a triple.

Triple again.

Okay,

big fella, here it is.

Where do you get virgin wool?

From the Virgin Islands?

I'm sorry.

The answer is the question.

Where do you get virgin wool?

From ugly sheep.

Hey, I'm sorry you guys are out 30 ,000 bucks and lose three minutes

Go play the game Okay

Okay, next question is for Glenn and Dora

We're gonna go for a double whammy I'm gonna get you

Okay, the double whammy Could give you $10 ,000,

but you could lose 10 minutes of time.

Okay, here we go.

Now, fill in the blank.

Blank make the best wives.

Blank make the best wives.

Shit, I don't know.

Lesbians?

I don't know. Let's see if the judges will accept lesbians.

I'm sorry, the complete sentence is...

women make the best wives so Glenn

ten thousand bucks

okay

so Walton Dena you can collect that ten

minutes of time with the next correct answer you folks ready

we'll go for a triple jack great okay now remember you're already out three

minutes dina i want you to remember some women are born to greatness and others

have it thrust into them so here we go what is another word

for synonym

i don't know jack

Sorry, Walt.

That was a trick question.

We got it. $30 ,000, buddy.

That's the way we played around here.

And you're down six minutes.

Okay. Now, if Glenn and Dora can answer this question, what do you say?

Just 100, Jack.

Okay, that's $100 plus one minute, plus the 10 you owe.

So. Here's the question.

What do control top pantyhose and Brooklyn have in common?

I know.

Flatbush. Hey, right you are.

Flatbush.

Here's the $100.

Plus, you win a pack of rough and ready toilet tissue in the 200 and 100 grit

family pack.

Tell them what else they win, Bob. Thank you, Jack.

And what good will it be to go home tonight with your crotch smelling

significantly differently, with no one there to sniff your crotch? Yes, it's

Wonder Dog doll, the only dog approved by the AMA as having anatomically

features. The Wonder Dog, a cuddly friend for those moments alone.

And what home would be complete this holiday season without Santa Claus? Yes,

magical Santa poised on top of a three -inch plastic tree. Yes, magical Santa.

And that's not all.

It's a new face.

Yes, you'll look radiant in this beautiful, new, all -plastic -surgery

-installed face.

You'll be the talk of the town. People will invite you to parties, and you'll

popular. This is available only from General Medical. Back to you, Jack.

Now, Glenn, Dora, you've got Walt and Dina for six minutes. I'll take the

in the pool for three minutes.

But, Glenn, there's no water in the pool.

Well, I'll take her for six minutes.

Well, while they're having fun, let's look at some of these wonderful prizes.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Here they are once again.

Ugh.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. I feel so good.

Oh, don't stop. Oh, I can't get enough.

Oh.

Too good.

Too good.

Oh, yeah. Use your brain.

Oh my God.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

Oh, yeah. Work it, baby.

Come on, honey.

You can do it. Oh, yeah.

Come on.

Oh, yeah.

Come on.

Work it. Work it.

Oh, yeah. Come on. Oh, come on.

Oh,

yeah. That's the way.

That's the way.

Oh, yeah.

Oh yeah.

Get up on the slide. Get up there. Stand up.

Stand up.

I can't get it off fast

enough.

Oh,

yeah.

I'm gonna sign up for this game too again next week.

Yeah, baby.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I'm going to lie down now and eat myself.

Think I'll get rid of them?

Head down there.

Well, a lot of people have written in and asked how they could be in our

audience.

And the real stupid ones have asked us, how could we be on the show?

Well, this is how you do it.

Bob? Thank you, Jack. Yes, anyone interested in joining us as a member of

studio audience here or who would like to actually participate as a contestant

can write to Show Tickets, Post Office Box 8325 Van Nuys, California, 91409.

That's Show Tickets, Post Office Box 8325 Van Nuys, California, 91409. Back

you, Jack.

Okay, let's go to the phones and call Dial -A -Trick.

out of solid gold, if you could see it, I'm going to make the Queen Mary

disappear.

And a magical incantation, abracadabra, and

it's completely vanished.

Well, that's all the time we've got for tonight, folks.

Just tune in tomorrow and see if our champions can keep it up.

Oh, yeah. Oh, do it harder.

Harder. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yeah. Go deeper.

Deeper. Oh, get it to me deeper. Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Oh, go faster, baby. Faster. Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Do it harder.

Harder. Go harder.

Yeah! Yeah!

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.