Original subtitles

Hey, y'all. Just a reminder.

Until the leak in the gym is fixed, it's off limits.

Last thing we need is a parent slipping and suing the school.

You guys, I'm trying to do printouts

for the Open House tomorrow.

My laptop keeps crashing.

Does anybody have a functioning computer I can jump on?

Nope. Mine crashed twice this morning.

Yes, but you have to tap my monitor three times

and say a little prayer for the Wi-Fi to work.

Yeah, so because the district took away all of our stuff

from the golf course,

and Ava gave away our funds to other schools

at the budget meeting.

Abbott's back to square one.

Not my favorite shape. More of a triangle, girly.

I actually played a triangle in high school if you...

Anyway, we have a plan.

As part of the Open House this year,

we are having a car wash to raise money.

Okay, before I blast this on socials

that I don't have to pay to be verified on,

how much are we charging for the car wash?

Ah, we are not charging anything

and relying purely on donations.

Ha! You know, when you rely on the kindness in people's hearts,

you start to realize there is no kindness in people's hearts.

No, look, we lure people in with a free car wash,

but then they see the cute kids and us working extremely hard,

and they feel guilty.

And people will pay anything to get rid of the guilt.

Well, donations work wonders for my church. Mm-hmm.

My church promised me my own planet.

They better pay up.

Great. And are we...

are we still going to call it AVA Fest?

You know, to pay homage to Ava?

Yeah, if you want to pay homage and a hefty licensing fee.

She trademarked AVA Fest, and she sent a cease and desist.

Mm. How?

Girlfriend.

...Captions by Verbit...

Thank you for bringing me today.

Tell Johnny I'm sorry he had to ride on the ladder.

Ah, he's used to it. Plus, he's rooting for us. Mm.

Ah, duty calls.

Oh. Try not to pull any fire alarms today, Mel.

I'll try. No promises.

Hey, what are you doing?

I'm getting my stuff ready for the car wash.

I hope they put me on cupholders.

They're always so nasty.

Dia, can you have Mr. Johnson disinfect

the admin desk regularly?

The kids touch this, and we see what they can do.

First of all, Mr. Johnson is not my jurisdiction.

Second of all, it's Open House.

Right. I used to get so stressed out about talking to parents,

but the full-time sub is taking over my class,

which is such a relief.

Okay, yeah, but some of the parents

are going to want to talk to the principal,

not just the teachers. Yep.

It's like when you go to the store

and you want to speak to the manager.

Yeah, I've never done that.

I've always been able to find a resolution

without escalating the situation.

But Ava never talked to anybody.

Ava can get away with that. You ain't Ava.

No.

The parents are going to want to talk to you,

and they are going to have a lot of questions.

Well, I don't love the sound of that.

What... What... What should I prepare for?

"Prepare."

You can't prepare.

No, they're going to throw everything at you...

complaints, concerns, compliments.

But mostly complaints and concerns.

You're saying there's...

there's nothing I can do to plan for this?

Beep, bop, boop.

I am Gregbot.

I cannot deviate from my plans.

That's you.

And here you go.

I'm not tall enough to reach the top of the car.

Oh, that's okay. I'll get those spots.

You're like an inch taller than me.

Mm. Okay, everyone, if you don't have a parent,

then you're on car-wash duty, and we'll keep rotating, right?

Are we ready? Together: Yes.

Yes. Ready.

Guess what... Guess...

Guess what I found in the basement.

Last person who should have a megaphone.

I haven't got the timing down yet,

but I will when it's show showtime.

Oh, my God.

Let it be known that I will not be a-scrubbing,

rubbing, or a-dubbing,

and the only thing I buff are my nails.

But if you want somebody to count your donations,

I'm your gal. Okay.

Okay. Speaking of which, I made this

so we could keep track of all the dough we make today.

Alright? Remember, we ain't doing this for free.

Well, technically, we can... It is a highly suggested donation, okay?

And by "highly suggested," I mean you hold that tip jar

right up into their face until it gets uncomfortable.

Which also works with divorce papers, too. Mm.

And I also invited all of the members from my church.

And you will never believe who is...

I blew dirt on all the cars in the neighborhood

and the ones at the golf course, too.

And don't worry, I wore a disguise.

Call me Mr. Morton.

Uh, hey, should we be worried about the weather?

It says there's a high chance of rain.

The only thing there's a high chance of is success.

Guys, let's fill this thermometer.

- Yeah! - That's right.

Welcome to Abbott. Hello. I'm Interim Principal Eddie.

Well, Mr. Interim Principal, show 'em what you got.

Hi. Uh, welcome to Abbott. I'm Interim Principal Eddie.

Are you the new principal?

Uh, I'm the interim principal, yes. You'll do.

Listen, my child is in fifth grade now,

and I have been to every Open House,

AVA Fest, or whatever you guys are calling it these days,

and no one has been able to answer my question.

Okay, well, I'll do my best,

but I just want to reiterate that I am the interim principal.

I know what "interim" means. Is he for real?

The school website does not explain what any

of the extracurricular activities are.

Like, what is a Garden Goofball?

I'm really glad that you asked.

I actually run that after-school program.

Um, it teaches the students responsibility

while also learning about horticulture.

Right now we're harvesting strawberries, tomatoes, cabbage.

Cabbage? Yeah.

And sensory plants, like scented herbs and lavender,

and a mimosa plant for touch.

Well, thank you, interim principal.

Yeah. No problem.

And I'll make a note to update the website.

Mm-hmm.

I think I'm getting better at this.

Well she did ask the one thing you know.

This whole time I've been giving you

the benefit of the doubt.

Um, oh, hey, Gregory, could you please come out?

Right away?

Oh, no. What? Is it raining?

No, just... come outside!

We got a situation! Sorry.

Okay. Stay on the ground.

Hey, we don't have all day.

Ooh, I know I prayed for a good turnout,

but these hands were made for praying, not for spraying.

I think we're going to need more shammies.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Morton, why aren't you helping?

And is this a sleeping bag?

Yeah, I just leased this all-electric car,

and it's actually not a bad place to sleep.

Which is really helpful when you don't know

if you're welcome at home each night.

Okay, well, you're going to get out and finish it yourself.

Uh, Ava. Oh, my God. Ava.

Hey, what are you doing here?

I just finished a speaking engagement in Jersey,

so, obviously, I need a car wash.

And I heard someone here had the dumb idea

to raise money by washing cars for free.

Well, that someone would disagree.

Listen, if you need the cash,

I have a list of high-net-worth potential donors

in the top drawer of my old desk.

You should hit them up.

I don't think we'll need to.

We've got cars lined up around the block.

I think we're going to be just fine.

Okay, well, if you want to turn down getting money, be my guest.

But wait a sec.

We haven't even washed your car yet.

Y'all not touching my car with them linty rags.

Try microfiber. Ugh.

What would y'all do without me?

I will talk to the cafeteria and let them know

they don't need to use MSG in everything.

Okay? Y'all have a good night.

Hm.

Amber. Hi.

Um, wel... welcome to the Open House.

Mm-hmm. "Interim Principal Eddie."

"Interim" about sums you up.

I heard your boring ass is dating a teacher now.

That's a power imbalance.

You know what? That's a good point.

You know what? I actually have to, um,

go attend to something.

Wait. I recognize that slinking.

You dropped off a pizza to us a couple weeks ago.

Left it on the sidewalk.

You know I got a doorbell cam.

Looking like Bigfoot.

Okay, listen, so I didn't come to your door

because... I wanted to wait until tonight's Open House

to tell you just how great Joel and Megan have been doing.

Yeah?

Yeah, they're really thriving in Miss Cooper's class.

Uh, you should see their project on the Constitution.

It's actually better than our current one.

Okay, I guess I'll check it out.

Thanks, Interim Principal Eddie.

That was a close call, but you handled it well.

Thank you.

Even though you walk like the alien in "Signs."

Is she still doing it?

Okay, just...

We got another tip.

Whoo! Yeah! Alright. Awesome.

Let's tally up our bounty and see where we're at.

Okay. Whoo! Whoo!

Well, Mr. Johnson, you want to do the honors?

No, no. Mr. J., you got to do the line

above the zero, not below.

Y'all owe the thermometer money.

Wait, what? Huh?

What... What do you mean? How is that possible?

We've been working our butts off.

He's right. We spent $275 on supplies.

We only made $163 in donations.

And $100 of that came from Ava.

Those damn gentrifiers haven't been tipping.

Yeah, well, we should have expected that.

It's in their nature to be cheap.

Alright, well, I will go, uh,

drum up some more business.

Ow. Sorry. Sorry.

Gregory, we are losing money on the car wash.

What? What about the tips?

Apparently, people think we're in Europe.

And we only have a couple of hours left.

And I don't think we're even going to break even.

Oh, wait a minute.

Ava said she had a list of high-net-worth potential donors.

She probably was collecting them as eligible bachelors,

but maybe we can reach out.

Right, yeah, that's worth a shot.

And if that doesn't work, we're screwed.

I'm just being realistic.

You know, there's some pretty high-profile people

who attend my church.

Barbara, is it Jesus?

Well, he's one of them.

Okay, well, let's take a beat on that

and just focus on the ones with phone numbers.

Okay.

Free car wash and a chance to help children in need!

Be a hero!

Hey, turn that thing down.

You're driving away my business.

Yeah. Okay. Um...

Ah. Hello. What's good?

Whoa. I got the text message about the fundraiser.

That's an interesting wallet.

Happy to support.

God bless you and your generous donation.

Thank you very much.

It's working.

Ava's list of high-net-worth donors

are actually coming through. Ooh.

These guys are drug dealers. What?

Don't ask me how I know without my lawyer being present,

but it's true.

Hey, stay out of the trunk.

You know, maybe he's just a private person.

You know, I don't want anyone snooping in my trunk, either.

Yeah, exactly. I mean, you shouldn't profile anyone.

I mean, just 'cause they have a lot of money and nice cars.

Hey, did you guys know these things have a siren on them?

Yeah, these guys are drug dealers.

Told you.

And that's what we're doing to improve

all of your children's reading comprehension levels.

It's been quite efficacious.

"Efficacious."

It... It takes a village. Truly.

Thank you.

You know, as interim principal,

I really want to cultivate a workplace

rooted in mutual respect and...

Sup, bitch?

You let my son down.

Maybe this is where drug money should be going,

back into the community. Absolutely not.

Barb, you know, you take away the "drug dealer" part,

they're really just small-business owners.

She has got a point.

They don't say anything about not smoking weed in the Bible.

They do say something about a burning bush.

Ah!

Okay. I'm sorry. You're right, okay?

But we're in the worst shape we've ever been in.

And now we're not even going to make enough

to build back what we lost.

So how'd you guys do?

Based on those sad faces and that icy thermometer,

I'm guessing not well.

Did you guys text the drug dealers I told you about?

'Cause one thing about them is they gonna text back fast.

We did, but Barbara won't let us keep the money. Mnh-mnh.

Damn, Barb, can't you just throw

some holy water on it or something?

Well, I guess we just wait for the next budget meeting

and hope that luck is on our side.

Nah, we can make this work.

Uh, how?

We've only got an hour of daylight left.

See, this is what's wrong with y'all.

You're always thinking too small.

This presents us with the opportunity to pivot.

A night car wash?

No.

Block party.

Tear up that cease and desist, y'all,

'cause AVA Fest is back.

- Alright. - That's what we should've done.

- Facts. - It always leads to money.

You're welcome.

Oh, I think the man upstairs has something to say about that.

Well, so much for the block party.

Are you really going to let a little rain shut down AVA Fest?

I'm so glad I didn't license it to y'all.

You'd have killed the brand. Mm.

All we need to do is move the block inside.

But it's practically raining in the gym, too.

That's the beauty of a block party.

It can happen anywhere... classrooms, hallways.

Now all we need are some attractions.

I'm a caricature artist.

Did it for 20 years on Coney Island.

What? 20 years?

Well, mighta been an afternoon. Seemed like 20 years.

Okay, there we go. Who else can do things?

I can do tarot readings. Hm. Predictable.

Janine, what about you?

Do you have a single moneymaking skill?

Um...

I like to draw cute things on the kids' tests,

so maybe I can do face painting.

Okay, I've seen those, so that'll be free.

But we could get Wendell and the cafeteria staff

to put out food and drinks

and upcharge the hell out of everybody. Yeah.

Now, the only thing left is a showstopper,

which I can make happen.

Ooh, ooh, I've got someone who can stop any show.

Sure, Barb. Bring your little church friend.

Just make sure they get out of the way

when I get Stevie Wonder to show up.

Ava, quit trying to trick the blind.

It almost worked two years ago

when I told him this was the Staples Center.

- I'll get somebody. Are y'all in or not? Ms. - Yes.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, okay, but if it's Bon Jovi,

someone tell Captain Robinson it's been fun.

Girl.

Let's get to it.

I told you, if his grades start slipping,

I was coming back for round two.

Wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait.

Did his grades actually slip?

Last time I checked, they were great.

Jabari had an A+ in spelling.

Now he's down to an "A." Says it's 'cause he misses you.

So, yeah, that's on you, playboy.

Look, I had to step away from my class

to take over the interim-principal job.

That's not a real job. You made that up.

It is. I'm temporarily the principal right now,

but I still make sure to check in with Jabari

along with the rest of my students. No, no, no, no.

You built a bond with Jabari, and now you let him down.

Do you know what that does to his abandonment issues?

Darnell, I give you my word.

I will always be there for Jabari,

and I know you will, too,

considering how many times you done come around here,

threatening to beat my ass.

And with both of us on Team Jabari,

I am certain he will be alright.

Okay. Okay. Mm-hmm.

But if his grades slip again...

Really? No, no. I'm playing.

I'm playing, right? That was funny. Yeah, that was good.

Okay. Yeah. You alright, man.

It's okay.

Hey, but you got to stop pushing my buttons, man.

You better not be looking at that camera.

I sw...

Nah, I'm playing again.

Seriously. Ah, there you go with that.

Yeah. Doing callbacks.

Perfect.

Step right up.

See your true nature in a caricature

or have a sorceress tell you your fortune.

Or pay me $20 to roast your outfit.

$30 if you want me to compliment it.

That shirt is ugly. First one's free.

How's it looking? Getting any warmer?

Yeah, it's better than the car wash,

but we thought it'd be closer.

We're not going to make it.

Damn. Fergie booked another national anthem.

Jacob, quick, put on a wig, and pretend you're Kevin Bacon.

Like "Footloose" Kevin Bacon

or modern-day car-commercial Kevin?

My church contact came through.

Ava, did you book a closer? No, I didn't, Barb,

but Gerald doing a Sunday school puppet show

about the great flood might not be enough.

Gerald's with his men's group this evening.

Actually, I got... Hi. Hi. Hi.

Oh. Oh.

...Miss Jill Scott.

Hi.

Thank you so much for making this happen

with such short notice.

This lady has gone above and beyond

to make my godmother feel welcome in the choir,

and she can't even sing.

It's the least I could do.

And who is this fine fella with you? Hello.

Oh, this is Jax. He's my security.

Oh. I don't go anywhere without him.

There are a lot of weirdos out there.

- Uh-huh. Sure are. - Yeah.

You know, somebody went in my dressing room

and stole my ear monitors.

- What? - What?

Like, what you going to do with ear monitors?

- Yeah. That's weird. - That's weird

Well, welcome to Abbott Elementary,

and, um...

Jacob will take you...

- To... somewhere. - ...somewhere.

- Yeah, yeah. - To the, um...

- Yeah, we go right this... - Bye.

Thank you. Thank you for coming.

Oh, my God.

I cannot believe you got Jill Scott.

Well, the Lord... Lord works in mysterious ways.

Mm-hmm. Right, Barb?

- Mm-hmm. - That's good.

Yeah.

I knew He had a plan when he brought

Jill Scott's godmother to our church choir.

And it wasn't because we needed a crackly soprano.

It's so good to be here with you.

You're charging more than a Jill Scott concert.

Yeah, 'cause this isn't a Jill Scott concert.

It's AVA Fest.

Looks like the fire department is here

to shut us down. Nah, he's with me.

Did I miss her sing "A Long Walk."

I left Johnny alone with a kitchen fire

to get here on time.

No. Not yet.

Get up!

Everybody, get up!

♪ I'm taking my freedom ♪

♪ Pulling it off the shelf ♪

♪ Putting it on my chain ♪

♪ Wearin' it 'round my neck ♪

♪ I'm taking my freedom ♪

♪ Putting it in my car ♪

♪ Wherever I choose to go ♪

♪ Yeah, it will take me far ♪

♪ I am, am, am... ♪

We did it. We did it.

Ava, this is amazing.

Honestly, some of my best work.

I'm just curious, though.

What made you come back?

You guys were spinning your wheels with a car wash.

Robots replaced sponges years ago.

Okay. I thought we would've been the least of your concerns,

what with your success and the talks and all.

Yeah, I make a lot of money. Just...

♪ Grooving all day long ♪

Just doesn't make me feel...

Fulfilled?

Shut up, Janine. ♪ I'll be high-stepping, y'all ♪

♪ Letting the joy unfold ♪

For some really annoying reason that I can't explain...

...I miss it here.

♪ Yeah ♪

Ava, do you want to come back?

♪ I'm holding on to my freedom ♪

That's not an option, okay?

That door is closed.

Okay, but maybe it doesn't have to be.

Look, a very wise person once said,

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

Okay.

♪ Representing His glory ♪

Look, if you want to come back,

we can find a way to make it happen.

♪ Like it's golden, golden ♪

♪ Like it's important ♪

♪ Like it matters ♪

♪ Like it's blessed ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

I want to come back.

♪ Am, am, am ♪

♪ Livin' my life like it's golden, golden ♪

♪ Golden ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Abbott Elementary.

There was a lot of energy.

Miss Scott, before you go,

I was wondering if I could have your autograph.

I'm a huge fan.

Okay. No problem.

I heard you were coming,

so I went home, and I grabbed these.

Is that my...

Is... Is that my scarf and my ear monitors?

Oh, those are hearing aids.

Hold up. I remember you. You do?

You're that guy who came to 37 of my shows in one year.

You saw my Instagram Stories. Wow.

No. Artists are alerted whenever someone attends

10 or more of their shows.

I see. So you never saw my tags. Noted.

You rushed my stage in Pittsburgh in '05,

and you stole my scarf... that scarf... off of my neck.

You're the whole reason I hired Jax.

You're welcome for the job, Jax.

Okay. I'm out.

Hey, wait. I made you something.

Jax.

♪ Livin' my life like it's golden ♪

♪ Livin' my life like it's golden, golden ♪