Original subtitles

I just saw a ghost, y'all.

-Why are we doing this? -It was a ghost.

I came around the corner…

…like, Victorian era.

Oh, my God. They're multiplying.

Hi. We're looking for Principal Coleman.

It's our son Charlie's first day.

We enrolled via the district website.

Please tell me you guys see them too.

- Ava. - You know what?

-Let me go get my Proton Pack. -Hey…

-Stop. -…hey. Stop.

So they're building a big-time PGA golf course

about ten blocks away from here, in the Girard Creek area.

It's allegedly good for the city.

People are into it.

And, um, new people are moving to Philly,

West Philly,

just to play there.

So…

And while Tiger Woods is a notable golfer, mmm,

the demographic of most golfers is mainly, uh…

We're so excited to be here.

Yeah. We were recommended we go private

from, gosh, nearly every person and website we know.

But we were like, "Hey, public all the way."

-So… -Well, it's great to have you.

-This is new, huh? -Yeah. First time in all my years.

Well, thrilled to meet you.

Just because it's nice to have a new student and no other reason.

Okay. And I'm Ms. Teagues. I believe I'm your teacher, Charlie.

Welcome. And it's so nice to meet you both.

And I'm Principal Coleman. The one you were looking for.

Totally remember you enrolling the little and very real Charlie.

And we are incredibly pleased to have you and welcome you

to the rich, diverse tapestry of Abbott Elementary.

You'll fit right in.

Are we being audited?

Come on in.

-Hello, Ms. Teagues. -Oh.

Hello, Mr. Eddie. Hope your day is going well.

It is. Thank you for asking. And I hope your day is going well as well.

It is. Thank you.

So, Gregory and I did try out a relationship for a little bit,

but in the end, it just didn't work out.

So now we are back to being friends.

-Just kidding. -Ha-ha!

- We got you all. - Yeah.

-Well, so, we are, um… We're dating. -We're… We're dating.

After the party that night, we started dating.

Yeah. And it's been going really well.

Right. And I'm happy, I would tell everyone,

but Janine so intelligently pointed out

that we should keep our work and personal lives separate.

- Yes. Yeah. - And, I have to agree with that.

And on top of that, we just get to have fun

-and let our relationship be just us. -Yeah. Mm-hmm.

You know. So, aside from Jacob, nobody knows.

Nobody.

We all know.

It's just beyond obvious.

I don't even know how they dumbasses think they hiding it.

-They stay in each other's faces. -Dumbasses.

But we're gonna let them have their space

because clearly they need it.

Honestly, I don't care that much. I got bills, you know.

I know that's right.

If anything, it's an insult to our intelligence.

We know what two people look like when they hunch it hard.

We're not dumb.

-Mm-mmm. -Mm-mmm.

All right, class. We're going to unfold our paper.

And we have a beautiful…

Butterfly!

Yes. Specifically, an orange sulfur butterfly

which is native to Pennsylvania.

Can't find that in Jersey, now can ya?

No!

What in the world…

Hey, Barb. Is your water pressure low?

Some kid just sneezed God knows what on my hand, and I got no water going on.

-Me too. -Ugh.

-Ava. -Oh.

Ava. Ava!

What is going on?

The water pressure is lower than Gerald's iron.

Who the hell is Gerald? Look, it's the new golf course.

They broke a water pipe. There's nothing we can do about it.

I'm just about fed up with this golf course construction.

-Mm-hmm. -Just blocking up traffic,

making it difficult to get in here in the mornings

-and the noise all day long. -Yep.

And I've noticed an uptick in rodents and bugs. That's construction too.

I killed 30 roaches this morning.

Thirty-one. This has to stop.

Look, I gotta listen to y'all complain all damn day.

We want books. We want paper towels in the classroom.

Bet you want raises too.

-I like money. -I'm still waiting on the paper towels.

This project is backed by the city, so there's nothing I can do.

And don't forget, back-to-school staff meeting tomorrow.

Have your presentations ready with your proposed yearly goals.

Yeah, yeah. All right.

- Hey. - Thirty-two.

Must you kill these living creatures so forcefully?

I didn't get that one. It's headed to you.

Oh, bye.

Die. Die!

…my presentation on the benefits of plants in each classroom.

Try to get people on board for that.

That is so amazing. I mean, it's very thoughtful.

I mean, it's no school-wide field trip

to the Baltimore Aquarium

like your presentation.

Principal Coleman, you have a second?

We're fact-checking for our podcast club.

Yeah. We reported that Mr. Hill can't read, which turned out to be--

Not true.

Why are you always asking us to read out loud, then?

What are you fact-checking now?

Are Ms. Teagues and Mr. Eddie dating?

Why not report on something a little more exciting?

Like…

Like the weather. Okay? It does often change.

In fact, there's more to the Mr. C story.

Like how he's always listening to audiobooks.

I was letting Janine and Gregory have their fun,

but if the kids even know about them…

Look, from my summer at principal school,

I learned that I'll get in trouble if they get in trouble.

So I gotta take action, which is my least favorite thing to take.

I like the way you passed that pizza.

I like the way you hand out milk boxes.

This for you. There you go.

And you.

Um, you know what? Maybe we wanna be more careful.

Because people might be watching and we don't want people to get the wrong idea.

Maybe instead of always looking over our shoulders…

Our very broad shoulders.

…we should just tell our coworkers.

Well, yeah, but we don't want everyone in the business of, like, what we are.

And we can't forget HR. I mean, that's very intense.

Yeah, I was thinking about that. HR's only an issue if somebody reports us.

HR hasn't been to the school since ever.

Attention, Abbott staff.

Tomorrow an HR representative from the district will be here for the day.

He'll be available to all staff members

if they feel the need to make any complaints,

or inquire about benefits, or report anything.

Anything at all.

Mm-mm-mm.

I know what that's about.

You do?

Of course I do.

Um…

You seen the way Melissa hits on me?

She's always, "Mr. Johnson, my trash is filled."

"Mr. Johnson, can you please take out my trash?"

"Mr. Johnson, this is your whole job."

-Flirting her little ass off. -Oh.

She going down.

Get her.

Jacob, I am not letting you microwave your beans with my tea.

Barbara, please. We are running out of time before class starts.

It is not my fault road closures allowed traffic to back up.

Now, please, move your beans.

Thank you.

I'll tell you what.

If that golf course was a person and I wasn't a fully law-abiding citizen,

they'd be sinking in the bottom of the Schuylkill River right about now.

My Bunsen burners aren't working. Who shut off the gas?

Are you cooking eggs in your classroom?

You needn't worry about matters concerning the breakfast sciences. Now, who did it?

The construction workers turned off the gas to the entire grid.

Nothing I can do about it. Write a letter to the city.

I don't know what's more vile, this golf course or Morton.

Here are the pains in my asses.

I'm sorry, the what?

Everyone, as promised, HR is here today. This is Warren.

So, if anyone has anything they wanna file, just raise your hand.

And not about me, about other things.

Hmm.

Oh.

And we're out of time.

And yours.

- Thank you. - Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Good morning, Daniel.

Hey. How about Italian for dinner tonight? LaScala's.

We will be nice to our deskmates today, yeah, Yasmin?

I'm good with that as long as they got buttered noodles.

I never take you anywhere without buttered noodles.

Come on in.

There. It's nice talking to you while looking at you.

Which reminds me, when do you want to talk with/confess that we're dating to HR?

I have fifth period free.

Oh, yeah. Um…

How about, like, later, like, after the back-to-school presentations, right?

Uh, actually…

Good morning, Ms. Teagues. Good morning, Mr. Eddie.

You remember Warren, right, Janine?

- HR at the district. - Mm-hmm.

Janine, it's so good to see you after wasting our time at the district.

I told Superintendent Reynolds

I knew you didn't have what it takes to be a district diva.

Yes. It is good to see you again, Warren.

Anything you wanna make Warren aware of, you can. Anything at all.

Well, um--

Well, we got nothing. Uh… Except it is so good to see you, really.

Um, yeah, nothing to report.

Well, he'll be here all day.

If your memories happen to get jogged.

-Whew. -Um, hey.

-Real quick. Everything good? -Yeah.

We could've at least teed it up.

Yeah. No, everything is fine.

It's just, um… You know, like we said, later today.

We don't wanna drop life-changing information before class even starts.

Right?

So, have a good morning, Mr. Eddie.

How you doing?

- Good morning, Ms. Teagues. - Good morning, y'all.

Gotta get some sleep tomorrow.

Yeah.

My tooth fell out in this nugget.

- Oh. - Oh.

Wow. You used a lot of ketchup there.

Oh, blood. That is blood.

These are frozen. Have some pudding, hon.

What?

Shanae, these nuggets are cold and hard.

Thank you, Philadelphia Inquirer. You don't think I know?

The gas still isn't back on. We heated them the best we could.

We had to serve something.

Ooh, I have had it up to heaven with this golf course.

We cannot live like this the rest of the year.

You know what? I'ma do a little sniffing around.

Although, I don't really have the same connections I used to have in this city.

Which I guess in a way is a sign of progress.

Oh.

How'd the conversation go with the HR guy?

Didn't go.

It's Janine. Has she said anything to you?

Is she, like, not that into this relationship?

Mm-mmm. No. She's definitely deeply in like with you.

And I know you all aren't ready to say it yet, but I love you both, you know.

Hey.

Um, I cannot find my presentation anywhere. I must've forgotten it at home.

Can't you just print out another one?

No. That one has my notes, you know.

It's how I know when to be angry, when to be jovial,

when to pause for a laugh.

See? So…

Anyway, I don't have time to go home before the presentations.

This is gonna be bad.

Um, well, I have a free period when my kids are at gym,

I could run to your place, grab it and head back.

You're just the best.

Okay.

Here are my house keys, you know how to get in.

Seems pretty into you.

-You have a little, um… -Oh.

-Here, you want me to get it? -No, don't.

Okay.

Come on.

Guys, guys. Nonunion workers.

-What? -The golf course.

They're using scabs.

My cousin Tommy,

he does construction with the local 9-5-5, and they haven't been called.

- Ooh. - They're cuttin' corners.

One word to the city

- and this course is dunzo. - Ooh.

Or we can get my cousin to kill all their pets. I'ma leave it up to you.

-Call the city, Jesus. -Really, Melissa.

All right. Easy. This is why I gave you options.

Thank you all for joining this mandatory meeting,

2024 School Year Goals.

First up, Barbara Howard on teaching new math.

Thank you.

Esteemed colleagues, I've decided to go in a different direction.

Math hasn't changed.

But what has changed, however, is the viscosity of child and adolescent rheum.

Boogers.

-Oh. -Mmm.

Now, I know it might seem weird, but the consistency is changing

- and it is alarming. - Mm-hmm. Yes.

Where's Gregory?

He just texted and said he's in traffic because of road closures.

Damn it, golf course.

Jacob, I don't have my presentation, okay?

If I don't do my presentation, the kids don't go to the aquarium.

If the kids don't go to the aquarium, they fail the SATs.

Just breathe. Barbara's still talking boogers, you got time.

In conclusion…

Damn it.

…I'm suggesting that we get our milk tested and our glue tested, too.

Thank you, Barb.

Janine, your turn.

What?

Come on, pip-squeak, let's get this over with.

Hmm. Okay. All right.

Hey. Let's give it up for Barb, right?

- Yeah, yeah, give it up for Barb. - Whoo!

All right. Give it up for yourselves.

- Janine. - Okay, okay, okay.

So, uh, my school year goal for 2024

is to take us all to a field trip to the Baltimore Aquarium.

- Hey. - Yes, yes.

But before I get into it, I think we should ask ourselves,

what is an aquarium?

Really, when you think about it, and who's really in the tank?

Is it the fish or is it us?

Oh, thank God.

-Hey. -Okay. It was in your kitchen…

…set.

-The Playskool one… -Yeah.

-…in your classroom for the kids. -Yes. Yes.

Why you all sweaty?

Oh.

Uh, because I keep the temperature in my classroom very warm to sweat.

-You better turn it down. -I will.

Whose keys are you holding?

Mine.

So those key chains are your key chains?

You like Cinderella?

Ooh.

I like what she represents.

How about that one that says J-A-N-I-N-E?

Yeah, Gregory.

Probably best for you and anyone else involved if you tell all of us why?

- Mmm. - Um…

What? Gregory. Oh, my God.

You must've grabbed my house keys when I left them in the teachers' lounge. So…

And they would be why my car didn't start. That--

-Why'd you go to your car? -Yeah.

Jacob.

Um, he went to his car because he left his keys in there.

So, how did he get in his car?

Shut up.

Give it up. I saw you two leave the other day in the same car.

Well, y-you know, I--

-He was giving me lift, that's all. -Mm-hmm.

Then you came back the next day together.

Well, that's because I saw him walking and picked him up.

Then why did I see him take a duffel bag outta your trunk?

Okay, I take duffel bags with me everywhere all the time.

Of course you do.

'Cause everyone here knows that you two…

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

…use the duffel bags to carry around the drugs you're selling.

- 'Cause you're selling drugs. - Doing what?

No, no, no. We are not selling drugs. We're having sex.

Yes!

This is worse than I thought. What people won't do for money.

Mm-mm-mm. Lord have mercy.

- Thanks. - This is a damn shame.

- Maybe they didn't catch on. - No, no.

-Cat's out the bag. -Right.

But what if we coax the cat back into the bag?

Because we can call another meeting and tell everyone that it was a prank, right?

Janine, I've been trying not to worry, but should I be worried?

Are you not into this? Or…

Gregory, are you crazy?

-Of course I'm into this. What? -Well, then what's going on?

I mean, I get wanting to keep people out of our business,

which we can do, but I think everyone's rooting for us,

and I'm not afraid of HR, if that's what you're--

Yeah, but maybe I am.

Look… Okay.

The last time I made something "official,"

it didn't work out.

And I…

I really, really, really, really want this to work out.

So I guess I'm a little scared.

But we're not your last time.

We're this time.

-Hey. Uh-huh. -Oh. Yeah.

Let's tell the freaking world.

- I am ready. Okay? - Okay.

Well, you just did when you told everybody that we had sex.

-Right, they know. -Yeah.

-But, um… Yeah, let's make it official. -Let's make it official.

-Let's make it official. -Okay.

But, okay, real quick. This time, let's keep the sex part out.

Let's take the sex out. Don't need to say that.

-We don't need it. We don't need it. -Don't say sex. Don't say sex.

Don't say sex. Don't say sex. Don't say sex.

You can stop saying it right now. You saying sex walking into a school.

-Yeah. -Not the best, you know?

So they checked me out, but it took, like, a half hour.

Would you please just sign out?

- I am-- - Hi there. I'm Miles Nathaniel.

What are you, a Mormon? Look at this guy.

Yeah, we're not interested. Get lost, pal.

Yes, I'm saved. Thank you very much, and God bless you.

Oh, no, I'm an attorney with the fine folks over at Girard Creek Golf Club.

I was just perusing the neighborhood.

Thought I'd pop in and say hi, seeing as how we're gonna be neighbors.

I know what this is about.

We call the city, and now you wanna dance, pretty boy?

And I mean that as a compliment. Your skin is fantastic.

You must be so rich.

Yeah, so you heard that we heard that you're over there using nonunion workers,

and now you wanna do damage control.

Your little construction project has put quite a strain on our lives.

We got a white child now. You wanna get his parents involved?

First of all, allow me to apologize

for any inconveniences we may have caused.

That's the opposite of what we intend to do for our community.

We really believe the golf course can add a lot of value here.

What value would that be?

Well, property value for one thing. That will go up. Way up.

So, if you're a homeowner, perhaps one who's looking to sell,

and retire to say a tropical island…

Or Arizona.

I'm… I'm partial to the desert myself.

Yeah, well, that's gonna feel real good to the union workers not getting paid.

Please, forgive us for that oversight. We're amending that as we speak.

We will be fully unionized by Monday.

We would be unionized by Saturday, but, you know, unions.

Look, I know how hard it can be to work with the city,

so if you have any future problems…

Oh.

What's that?

-That's a $500 gift card. -Mm-hmm.

I would've settled for 250, but this is classy.

-Barb, you can have half. -Mmm.

Well, what about me? No, we are not on your team, okay?

-Yeah. -Golf doesn't even have teams.

I'm sorry to interrupt. I-I just remembered.

We have 15 new computers that we're looking to donate.

Do you guys know anywhere that could use them?

Well, we could… we could use… No, wait.

You know what? Let's make it 20. Think I saw a few extra lying around the office.

Look, golf course is gonna happen no matter what.

It can happen with computers or without them.

Go ahead and shake the man's hand, Jacob, and recognize a blessing when you see one.

Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.

How about 25 computers and you quit messing with the water?

Can't promise that. But I can throw in an ergonomic chair or two.

-What y'all doing out there? -Taking bribes.

All right. Just don't let Warren see.

And get me something too.

Proud of y'all.

So, you're saying I can't sell the jewelry that the kids make on Etsy?

No, I'm saying it's illegal.

Child labor laws.

But is it really work if they love what they do?

Oh. Please have a seat.

Okay, um… I guess I'll just jump right in.

So, it all started when Gregory first got to the school and I gave him a tour.

Um… I thought this is somebody I could get to know.

And then I thought maybe a friendship with this guy.

And then I thought he's kinda cute.

- Hmm. - But he's my colleague, so…

You know what? At this point, you would think I would go forward in the story,

but I actually probably need to go back a few years, um,

to 11th grade when I finally hit puberty.

Mmm. What is your relationship status?

Uh…

He's my boyfriend.

And she's my girlfriend.

Great. All done.

- That's it? - That's it.

I mean, there's no power imbalance here. So it's super easy.

I just needed to record it.

Good luck to the both of you.

Hopefully she doesn't leave you like she left the district.

Uh-huh.

Okay. I'm happy for y'all.

Truly.

I just wanted you guys to be smart about this.

But now you're both safe, and more importantly, so am I.

-Thank you, Ava. -Thanks, Ava.

You're welcome.

Gregory, our situationship is over.

-Why you-- -Just let her have it.

Yeah. Okay.

Let's go.

So, in conclusion and as you can clearly see,

he's a scumbag.

That has to be an HR violation.

Well, there's worse things I could call you, buddy.

You two just need to grow up.

- You can leave now. - God.

Next.

Okay, I don't even know why I'm here.

Oh, she knows why we're here. It's an open-and-shut case.

These are all the takeout menus I gave you.

Uh-huh. And those were suggesting that we should go out to dinner.

I can read between the lines. You're sick.

-Write that down. -Yeah. Hmm. Got it.