Original subtitles

This is obviously making you uncomfortable.

- I was wondering if he mentioned me. - No, it isn't.

- When you say you've never met anyone like James... - Yes.

- I've never met anyone like James. - I find that hard to process.

- What's hard to process about it? - What is so unique about him?

- I don't know. - Try to think.

- He has something. - Yes, okay, but you've

never even spoken to him, so how can you know if he has something?

I think you can tell by looking at someone.

- By looking at someone? I don't under... - Yes, fuck!

- I'll tell him myself. - Let's not do that. That won't work.

- I'm putting myself on the line, I'm vulnerable... - I understand that.

- I thought you might wanna help. - I didn't mean to impose.

No knife to your throat so don't worry about it.

- No, no, I wanna tell him. Please let me. - Really?

- Yes, I will tell him. - Are you sure?

- Yes. - My God, thank you.

- Thank you. - That's great, thank you.

- Okay. - Um, thanks, er...

- Simon. - ...Simon. I'm sorry.

I'm just flustered, but that's great, thank you.

- Are your hands normally this warm? - Quite often.

Hmm. And when did you think our food will arrive?

It normally takes awhile.

I can't say I'm surprised, but I think this is a good thing.

We'll make a date and you can go as me.

- I'll give you more coaching. - Do you think that's ethical?

Er, don't take this the wrong way, but I think it's unlikely you'll be able

to get into an unethical situation on a first date.

"Unethical," that's very sweet.

When you're walking with a woman or standing next to one,

you wanna put your hand on their lower back, not the ass...

They sometimes get upset about that... but just above it.

It shows you're interested, but you can push them down the stairs at any moment.

- Why? - Because you've got leverage.

- So wait, here? What? - Stop that. That's gay.

- But you just did it to me. - Yes, but it was me.

- Do you see the difference? - Oh.

You can't be doing anything gay. No ice-cream cones.

- I like ice cream. - Of course. It's delicious.

Ice cream is fine in a cup, but in a cone is gay

- unless you're with a woman at the time. - Anything else?

No riding on a motorcycle with another man.

Exceptions are drive-by shootings, bomb throwings

and purse snatchings. Anything else is gay.

- You seem to know a lot about this. - Defense wins championships.

You need to tell them how great you are all the time,

- which means make things up. - What if they find out?

Make it hard to research, like you were the captain of a Jai-Alai team

or a brigadier general in the Navy. Something like that.

I don't think anybody would believe that.

Then change the subject and deny everything.

- I just don't know if that's me. - That's why it's so good.

Just say something.

I used to be an olympic swimmer.

Go to the bathroom now.

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

- What the fuck? - I can't do this

with you shouting in my ear like that.

This would be fine if you'd do what I tell you.

Like jam my knee between her thighs? I can't do things like that.

I know, that's why you're gonna die alone.

Sorry, that was cruel. I'm just... I'm just so frustrated for you.

Look, just give me your jacket. I'll patch things up, okay?

- I'm sorry. - Don't be sorry.

No, I am. I've screwed this up.

You can't help it. You're just not good at this.

- I know. - I know you know. Give me your jacket.

Wait, did you move tables?

No.

- Hey, what are you doing? - I'm leaving, is that okay?

No, why?

♪ ...blue blue, blue chateau... ♪

just put it back on the hanger, thank you.

♪ ...blue blue, blue chateau... ♪

♪ ...blue blue, blue chateau ♪

♪ Blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue ♪

♪ Chateau...

Excuse me.

Did you see a man who looks exactly like me

- walk in here with a woman? - This boy's not serious.

- Visitors have to sign in. - I'm not a visitor.

No, I have to go. No, I really have to go.

Okay, but I have to go.

Yeah, I have to go.

No, it isn't, I need to go. It's fine.

I'm at work.

Okay.

Hi. Uh, I know the policy, but my printer is actually broken again, so.

- How's your growth? - Hannah, the creepy guy's here again.

Yeah.

- Hi, creepy guy. - Hey, Hannah.

I was just telling your colleague that I know the policy,

but my printer is actually broken again.

- Oh, I thought you fixed it with elbow grease. - Yes.

Want me to call someone up to fix it? What's your desk number?

- Hi, I'm with somebody whose printer is broken. - Oh no, no. No, no.

No, no, no, no, I actually need the copy pretty urgently, yeah.

Uh... it's a report of special importance to the Colonel.

He's taken a particular interest in my findings lately.

I haven't actually met him in person,

but I think he knows a lot about my work, so maybe I'll just...

Oh, that reminds me, you had your date with James, did you?

Was that last night?

Did you want me to photocopy that?

Yes, please. That is why I'm here.

One copy.

- So how'd it go? - How did what go?

With James. I just wanted to ask 'cause I didn't see you on the train this morning.

Not that I'm in the habit of seeing you on the train,

but I wanted to ask 'cause I made the introduction.

- Thanks for the introduction. - I wanted to make sure...

That he didn't take advantage of me?

Did he?

Do that? 'Cause then I'd feel responsible

- 'cause I made the introduction. - That's very kind of you.

- So you're okay? - I'm okay.

Okay, good. Then that's fine. Thank you.

That's a relief, actually, to me. That's relieved me,

because I made the introduction is all. Thank you, good.

Guess who.

Oh God. This is Melanie. Hi, Melanie.

- We've met. - Have we?

Yeah. Papadopoulos asked me to tutor her.

- He's the best teacher I've ever had. - Thank you.

- I'm learning a lot. - Well, she's a good student.

- Pupil, so. So we'll get back to work. - A lot.

Okay.

I'm not actually meant to be here, but I have a report

that I think would be of interest to Mr. Papadopoulos.

Sorry, my name is Simon James,

but I don't have my I.D. Or my supplementary I.D.

The only thing it hasn't been is consistent. I'll be one moment.

This is the report I was telling you about.

Great work, James!

That's the type of initiative I like.

Oh, thank you, sir. I just think a man should do

the best he can possibly do at the work he's doing.

- But, sir, I... - I don't know what I'm paying you for.

This guy just started. Why can't you work like that?

I just started.

Sir, I think I have to make something clear here. I...

Use words.

Look, I'm not angry with you, son,

I just hope you can raise the level of your performance.

Hell! Why don't you work with James here?

See if you can help him put something together.

I would really like that.

Yeah, Mr. P, that's a fantastic idea.

I'm a good worker. I...

So this is the great James Simon.

This used to be my favorite song.

There's no song playing.

And you hate music.

I think the nurse stole my undershirt.

You're right, I do hate music.

You're still not right.

Make the cut deep.

- Oh, excuse me, sir? - Yeah?

Did you know that people in here are carrying weapons?

Yeah.

How long has this been going on?

A while.

Hello.

Hannah, this is James.

Come up. I want you.

I want you to stop seeing Hannah.

I see.

And I want you to stop messing around with Melanie.

What else?

And I want you to tell Papadopoulos that I've been

doing all your work for you since you got here.

Mm-hmm, okay. Well, I wanna show Papadopoulos

this photo of you and his daughter.

- Oh, well... - How do you sleep?

Yeah, I just...

Now who do you think Papadopoulos is gonna believe?

Some dink he still calls Stanley?

Or this guy?

So I need the key... To your apartment.

You see, Melanie is a bit of a screamer

and I don't want Hannah coming up and making another scene.

It'll just be easier if we use your place.

Now do you need to see the photo again or are you okay?

I'll also be taking other women up there in case you notice different smells.

Hey.

I'm James.

Get up.

Get up.

Or do you wanna die on the ground, like a snake?

There he is.

- Hey, what are you working on? - It's private.

Can you please not lean on my work station?

- So I need that key again. - No.

- That was it. No more. - All right, I understand.

Hey, Mr. Papadopoulos.

Simon has something he wanted to show you.

- Oh. Key. - No, I can't.

- Key. - No.

Key. I have more.

Fine.

I'll get a copy cut. Save future confusion.

- Well, this better be good. - Oh no, no, no, I'm sorry.

You need to step up, Stanley. I wanna see some real work from you.

Actually, I'm working on something at the moment, sir.

- Something that I... - Don't mistake my kindness for weakness.

Simon, I think that James is seeing someone else.

And he told me that you sometimes watch my apartment from a telescope in your room,

which I'm fine with actually, I don't really mind.

It's kind of reassuring in a strange way, but...

Wanna go to the coffee room? It's a little public.

It could be interesting to find out who else he's seeing. Are you hearing this?

- Does that mean he's not seeing you? - Not that he's even trying to hide it.

He's not a very good guy.

Which I know and I always have known, but to be made a fool of by him?

One second. By a villain.

- I knew what he was... - Oh no. It's not your fault.

Then he'd say something about how he knew me,

that he could tell I was a lonely person, because he knew what it was like

to be lonely and lost and invisible.

Like...

Like someone could just push their hand straight through you.

I think you should definitely not see him.

He told me he felt like Pinocchio.

- Do you know who Pinocchio is? - No.

He's this wooden boy. He's held up by strings.

He wants to feel like a real boy. Do you understand?

- No. - I feel like Pinocchio.

Okay.

So is that okay if I come to your apartment tonight?

I know it's kinda strange to ask but I wanted to see for myself,

you know, if he's taking girls back there.

No, I'm sorry, that's not possible because I have to work.

I'm not gonna be home tonight, I'll be here.

But that's okay, you can just give me your key.

- I don't have a key. - You don't have a key?

No.

You don't have a key to your own apartment?

- No. - How do you get in?

- I can't get in. - Why are you lying?

I'm not. I just don't know...

If it's a good idea to spy on people.

And...

I think you might be becoming a little obsessive.

- Why are you touching me? - I'm not.

I just...

Also...

Feel like Pinocchio.

You're a snake.

I haven't done anything wrong.

What is your name?

I'm a visitor. I would like to sign in.

What is your name?

My name is Simon James.

You're wanted in worker services, Simon James.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm. Poor chap.

Oh.

- You don't exist any more. - Excuse me?

- You're no longer on the system. - Well, just put me back in the system.

- I can't put you back in the system. - Why?

Because you don't exist. I can't put someone who doesn't exist in the system.

- But I used to be in the system. - Not according to the system. In fact,

according to the system, you've never existed.

- How reliable is the system? - Hey, it's completely reliable.

Yes, but I used to exist... I do exist!

- I'm standing in this room, aren't I? - And?

- So how do I get back in the system? - You need a card.

- Right. So can I please get a new card? - No.

- Why? - Because you're not in the system.

So, it's... Well...

So that's it?

That's it.

I'll leave you to make your own arrangements.

- You okay, buddy? - Yeah.

- Thanks, Harris. - Yeah, it's gotta be pretty rough on you.

- Yeah, I guess it is. - I, uh, got you this book.

James told us about your problems.

You need to read it pronto though; it's only returnable through Friday.

- Thanks. - No worries.

Hey, ah, I was just wondering...

Yeah, I'll help you with your report.

- If you could have it ready by tomorrow. - Fine.

- And tomorrow's Friday. - I know.

So both the book and the report need

- to be finished by tomorrow. - Okay.

Friday. Yeah, oh, by the way,

if you're looking for James, he's in the office with Papadopoulos.

Apparently he's written this incredible report on how to increase efficiency.

Yeah, pap's pretty impressed.

Hey, you're fucking boring; What's regression analysis?

Oh, this one is so silly.

These two Chinese virgins get married.

It's the night of the wedding, they've just finished boning.

And the husband says, "that was great, that was really great.

Is there anything else you'd like to try?"

- And then the woman says... - Mr. Papadopoulos?

- Hold on a sec. - No, it's okay.

So the woman says, "I think I would like to try # 69."

And the guy, he thinks for a second.

And... pay attention, Rudolph, you'll like this.

He says, "you want breef with broccori?"

It is silly. What did I tell you?

- Sir. Sir, I think we need to talk. - You! I can't believe you'd dare.

- Sir, I work here and I... - You pervert.

James told me everything about you and Melanie.

Hell knows she's handsome, she's a Papadopoulos,

but to abuse a young woman's trust like that?

Sir, this man is a fraud.

You should talk! He's the finest employee

- we've ever had. - Oh, sir, thank you.

He doesn't even know what we do here.

Er, this and that.

Okay, what is regression analysis?

Who took your test for you?

Sir, I have been through all of this in the report.

I think maybe he needs some help.

- He's gone a little crazy. - No, no, no, no, no.

No sir, this cannot stand. No, no, no, no.

Stay away from me. Stay away from me. No, no, no, no.

No. No sir, he stole my face.

Look at me! Look at me!

Look at him! He stole my face!

- You need to leave. - No!

You do! Get off of me!

Stanley!

- Give Rudolph his arm back! - No, no, no, no, no!

Stay back! Stay back!

No, no, no. No, no, no, no.

Stay away from me! No, I need to see the Colonel.

- Stanley, we all love you. - I need to see the Colonel.

The Colonel will understand.

- Please, where is the Colonel? - You need help.

- No, I don't need help. - What's the problem, Stanley?

Hey! You fuckers!

You don't know who you're dealing with.

You don't know who you're dealing with, you fuckers.

You fucking fucks.

I am a person.

Stay back! Stay back, you fucks!

You fucking fuckers!

I am a person!

I exist!

Here we are.

Has she ever tried anything like this before?

- No. - No? First timer!

Good stuff. Well, these things happen.

You mustn't blame yourself.

Was it pills that she took? I heard it was pills.

- Yes. - Yes.

Fantastiche. How many pills do you think she swallowed?

I have nought to 10, 10 to 20, 20 to 30, or 30-plus.

I don't know. I wasn't there.

- If you were to guess. - I'm not going to guess.

- But if you had to guess. - I don't have to.

- Is she going to be okay? - I'll just stick a little

question mark on it for the moment.

What? What is it?

All bloody morning, you know.

How long have you two been married?

Would you excuse us, please, Martin?

- Mr. James, can I have a word? - Yeah, that's fine.

I'll just keep going with this...

And take care of this bloody guy!

Has she tried anything like this before?

No, I don't think so.

- Do you fight a lot? - Sometimes.

I'm afraid to say she's had a miscarriage. I'm sorry.

Was it your first pregnancy?

- Yes. - The good thing is she's healthy

and it was very early, so she won't feel too much pain.

These things happen.

You mustn't blame yourself.

You probably think I should be thankful

that you took me to the hospital, but I'm not.

I wanted to die and now I'm afraid I won't have the courage to try again.

Do you wanna know what I think?

I think that you should kill yourself.

I promise I won't try to stop you halfway through.

Hi, uh, this is a message for...

Simon James.

Uh, your mother passed away this morning

following a major ce-ree-bral

s... ceree-bral?

Cere-bral... Cerebral occurrence.

Um, in accordance with her wishes, she's to be buried at night.

If you wish to attend the funeral,

it starts at midnight at the cemetery

to the rear of the home. Not the rear but, um...

To the... down the side and then towards the rear of the home.

All right. Bye.

Yea, though I walk through the valley

of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for thou art with me.

- Thy rod and thy staff... - Don't look now.

They will comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies.

Look look, we can get you help,

but now is a time for family. Just don't engage.

Who are you? Who is this fuck?

Why have you got his face? Why have you got his face?

- Just don't engage. Don't engage. - Is he mental? Are you mental?

- Just don't engage. - What are you doing?

- Okay. - Don't touch me!

- Don't engage. - Oi!

Oi!

- Don't engage. - Don't touch me!

What is it?

Get up.

Get off your knees.

Oh.

- Where are you going? - Fuck off!

Oh hey, James.

- Oh my God, look at you. - You know who I am, don't you?

- Are you okay? - You recognize me.

Of course. Simon, what happened to you?

I don't want to be a boy held up by string.

- Okay. - Okay?

Bye.

Yes.

I'm okay.

That is where I am.

Yes, I am looking at him now.

He is about to jump.

Please hurry.

There aren't too many like you.

Are there, Simon?

I'd like to think I'm pretty unique.