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I was once happy. Content.

Sloshing around in my own private, primordial pool.

Then one day, for reasons beyond my control,

I was repeatedly crushed...

over and over by the cruel cervix of my mother, Leslie.

I put up a good fight, but I lost,

for the first time, but not the last.

I was born three days after 9/11.

I can hear you, I can hear you, the rest of the world hears you,

and the people who knocked these buildings down

will hear all of us soon.

USA, USA! USA, USA!

My mother and father spent two days in the hospital,

holding me under the soft glow of the television,

watching those towers fall over and over again,

until the feelings of grief gave way to numbness.

And then, without warning,

a middle-class childhood in an American suburb.

Thirteen... fourteen...

fifteen... sixteen...

- What are you looking at, Rue? - Seventeen...

Rue, look at me.

- One, two, three... - What are you doing, Rue?

I'd say she's suffering from obsessive compulsive disorder...

It's not like I was physically abused...

...attention deficit disorder...

- ...or had a shortage of clean water... - ...general anxiety disorder...

...or was molested by a family member.

...and possibly bipolar disorder. But she's a little young to tell.

So, explain this shit to me.

Honey, it's just the way your brain was hardwired.

Plenty of great, intelligent, funny, interesting, and creative people

have struggled with the same things you struggle with.

Like who?

Vincent Van Gogh.

Sylvia Plath.

And your favorite, Britney Spears.

- She's bald! - Oh, my God!

She is completely bald.

I don't remember much between the ages of eight and 12.

Just that the world moved fast and my brain moved slow.

Does anybody have any idea of what a preposition might be?

And every now and then, if I focused too closely on the way I breathed...

...I'd die.

Slow down, just breathe.

Until every second of every day,

you find yourself trying to outrun your anxiety.

What's wrong, Rue?

And quite frankly...

I'm just fucking exhausted.

You said the doctor was in our network. How could he suddenly be out of network?

I can't afford it.

Did you see that video of the beauty queen

who got acid thrown on her face?

- Mm, what? No. - It's pretty fucked up.

- Hey, Mom, you got any tampons? - In my bathroom, under the sink.

And at some point, you make a choice about who you are and what you want.

Oh, my...

All right, Gia, let's roll.

Why is the co-payment $300?

Rue, did you eat breakfast?

- What's with the sunglasses? - What sunglasses?

I just showed up one day, without a map or a compass...

Attention, students, we need to lockdown.

...or to be honest, anyone capable of giving on iota of good fucking advice.

And I know it all may seem sad, but guess what?

I didn't build this system, nor did I fuck it up.

And then it happens. That moment when your breath starts to slow.

And every time you breathe, you breathe out all the oxygen you have.

And everything stops:

your heart, your lungs,

then finally, your brain.

And everything you feel, and wish, and want to forget, it all just sinks.

And then suddenly...

...you give it air again, give it life again.

I remember the first time it happened to me I got so scared I wanted to call 911.

Go to the hospital and be kept alive by machines and apple juice.

But I didn't want to look like an idiot,

and I didn't want to fuck up everyone's night.

And then over time, it's all I wanted...

those two seconds of nothingness.

I spent a good portion of the summer before junior year in rehab.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Rue!

- Come here! - Hey.

- How are you? - Good.

- I missed you. - I missed you, too.

Look at you. Are you growing? No.

Hey!

I'm very happy for you, Rue.

You're about to start a brand-new chapter.

It was the end of summer, the week before school started.

I had no intention of staying clean. And Jules had just moved to town.

There's some new girl in town that I think you gonna be friends with.

- Who? - Shit, I don't know.

She came in yesterday lookin' all Sailor Moon and shit.

I'm thinking to myself, like, look like somebody Rue would get along with.

Which was sort of like a dead-on observation for Fezco,

who's not normally revolving in the same direction as planet Earth.

So, how long you been back?

- Five days. - And like, how are you feeling?

I mean, ever since I gave my life over to my lord and savior Jesus Christ,

things have been, like, really good.

- Word? That's what's up. - Yeah.

- I'm fucking with you. It was a joke. - Shit.

Hey, I don't judge.

- But low-key, is Ashtray in the back? - Are you serious?

What, you think 'cause I went to rehab, I stayed clean?

I mean, ain't that the point?

Yeah, well, the world's coming to an end,

and I haven't even graduated high school yet.

I thought your ass was dead.

I thought you had Asperger's till I realized you're just a prick.

This is a fickle industry. Y'all come and go.

I'm just trying to stack my cash, pay off our mortgage.

So what the fuck you want?

- You don't want to try nothin' new? - Like what?

2C-T-2, 2C-T-7, and 5-MeO-DIPT.

I'm sorry, I have zero fucking idea what you just said.

It doesn't matter. But this shit is fucking lit.

- What is it? - N-diisopropyl-5-methoxytryptamine.

It's a fast-acting psychedelic.

Got some similarities to LSD, but with, like, key differences.

Not as visual and shit, but definitely a sense distorter.

What's wrong?

I'm just so happy.

I don't know. The shit's been blowing up in Tampa,

and mad people like to fuck on it.

- Okay. Yeah. - That'll be 120.

- Fez said he'd spot me. - Fezco don't spot nobody.

Yeah, well, it's a post-rehab discount, so you should ask him.

I will go ask him, 'cause I know you're full of shit.

In truth, I didn't have much of an issue with Nate

until all the bullshit with Jules.

I mean, I never liked him, and once, during freshman formal,

he tried to finger me on the dance floor without my permission.

But like... it's America.

And if they were throwing an end-of-summer party...

Yo, I'd do it for Rue!

...of course I'd fucking go.

Yo. The whole world's gonna be talking about

how McKay threw the grimiest fucking banger of the summer.

I don't know, bro. You know my mom is real OCD. A little scratch on the wall,

the dishes are out of order.

We'll just take a picture of everything. We'll put it back the way we found it.

What the fuck is this, Mission Impossible?

Would you stop worrying about your mom,

and start worrying about all the fucking pussy

that we're gonna smash tonight, bro.

No, no, no, no, no. Wait. Isn't Maddy coming tonight?

I don't know. I don't give a fuck. She broke up with me. Fuck her.

See, no, bro. 'Cause she's crazy.

I don't want her to come and try to burn my house down.

- Burn your... - Yeah.

Shut the fuck up.

Yo. This is exactly what I'm talking about.

Right here. I'm gonna tell you something...

- Don't do anything stupid. Come on. - Yeah, yeah.

Hey, yo, what up, B?

Yo, how 'bout you come and ride on this dick?

No, Nate, chill, bro. Come on man.

Fuck, bro.

Whoops.

Jules moved from the city to the suburbs after her mom and dad got divorced.

She doesn't really like to talk about it,

but dads almost never get full custody,

so you know some shit definitely went down.

She went to, like, three weeks of summer school with Kat,

who failed Intro to Visual Arts.

- Do you think my areolas look weird? - No.

- But, like, the edges, though. - Maddy, they're fine.

Fine like they're kind of weird, or fine like

nobody but me would ever notice what I notice?

Fine like shut the fuck up, Maddy.

I'm disgusting. I literally look disgusting.

Maddy, you just snap the fuck out of this. You're hot as fuck.

- Nate's a loser. Who cares? - He's not a loser. He's a dick.

All dicks are losers. Duh.

Look, bottom line: y'all need to walk into this party

like your pussy costs a million dollars.

For real, I'd settle for like fifty grand.

Fifty grand is a million dollars.

I'd settle for, like, four Corona Lights and some non-rapey affection.

- That's kind of depressing. - Nate's totally ruined my confidence.

You know when somebody just constantly criticizes,

like, everything about you?

Yep. That's, like, every guy.

You just need to catch a dick and forget about your troubles.

Girl, you just need to catch a dick.

Seriously, Maddy, the best thing to do after a breakup

is to fuck someone new, and then move on.

Please, Kat, remind me again how many guys you've fucked?

And, oh, yeah, cat-fishing, that don't count.

Can you not be a cunt for like, 15 seconds?

Dad, stop being a pervert! We're literally, like, all naked!

Fuck.

Okay.

- Where were you? - I went to eat.

- What do you mean, you went to eat? - What?

What? Don't walk away from me.

- You know what, Rue? I don't trust you. - I don't know what you want me to say.

I want you to tell me where you were.

- I just said I went to fucking eat! - Don't you talk to me like that!

You know what? I'm gonna drug test you.

- Don't be slamming no doors around here. - It was an accident.

I don't care. You're not leaving this house until you take a drug test.

- I just peed! - Slam another door.

That girl's gonna be the death of me.

Shit.

Now, there's a few ways to beat a drug test.

The first is simple. Stop doing drugs.

But if you're in a bind and totally fucked, option one: niacin.

It's a B vitamin that, like, breaks down fat and chemicals or whatever,

and if you take a lot of it, like 2,000 milligrams,

then chug a few gallons of water,

you can flush your system in two to three days.

The only problem is, it has a few side effects.

Skin flushing, extreme dizziness, vomiting,

rapid heartbeat, and sometimes death.

I don't recommend it. Nor does any legit drug site on the internet.

Option 2: synthetic urine.

Yeah, fucking right.

Option 3: get a non-drug addict friend to piss for you.

The only problem is...

...most over-the-counter home drug testing kits

come with a heat-sensor strip that detects the temperature of your urine.

And if your parents watch you pee, you can't really do the sink trick.

So you gotta get it fresh.

Hey, Rue.

- Hey, I... I need a favor. - What?

- I... like for real, Lexi. - What?

Side effects of this option?

Are you serious?

Please.

Thanks.

Hey, Rue.

How was rehab?

Shit.

- It was good. It was really good. - Well, that's good.

- How long have you been back? - Five days.

Oh.

- New chapter. - Mom.

Hmm?

Lexi and I have known each other since pre-school.

And like, in some ways she's my best friend,

even though I think we've grown apart.

We don't really have much in common anymore.

Did you meet any cute guys there?

- Here's that eyeliner. - Thanks.

Mom, I have to pee!

I wish we could do this in a way

that wasn't a complete invasion of my privacy.

Well, you lost your right to privacy after your overdose.

- That was a mistake. - Don't be flip, Rue.

Could you... Thank you.

You don't understand. This was the most frightening moment

a mother could witness. And Gia...

- Gia, who absolutely idolizes you... - I know, Mom.

To have her find you unconscious...

Can we just... Can we not do this right now, Mom?

Rue?

Rue?

Rue.

I know a lot of you probably hate me right now, and I get it.

If I could be a different person, I promise you, I would.

Not because I want it, but because they do.

And therein lies the catch.

I'm sorry... for slamming the door earlier.

It's okay. I forgive you. Come here.

Hey, Mom?

- Yeah? - Can I spend the night at Lexi's?

- Yeah, that's fine. - Thanks.

Yeah.

- Where you going? - I don't know. Some party, or something.

Or something?

Dad.

I know. You know, just, new town. Be safe.

- Yeah. I'm fine. - Good.

- Love you. - I love you, too.

- Okay. - Have fun.

Jules told me later what had happened.

Looking back on it,

she probably would have just been better off going to McKay's.

But...

Come in.

Yo, so, Cassie's a whore. Fact.

No, she's not. Fact. She's not even that type of girl.

Oh. Have you seen her slut pages, though?

- No. - They're wild, yo.

- She's like a fuckin' freak - Cassie's on the slut pages?

Yo, we gotta see this shit.

Yo, what are y'all even doing out the room, man?

- Go back upstairs, bro. - What?

- Thing one and thing two. Take it up. - Oh, yo.

- Take it up. - Relax. No one gets here till ten.

What's up, Nate? What's good, what's good, good lookin'.

Look, all I'm saying is, I think you did Cassie. That's it.

Whether I like her or not is irrelevant.

The fact is, she's a fucking whore through and through, bro.

All right, look, I don't know what she's done, guys, but I'm just saying,

I think she's cool. She's smart. She's funny.

Bro, she likes cars, man.

She loves cars. Shit, thank you for telling me.

- What the fuck? - Dude's got mad feelings.

For real, yo. McKay's about to start a Pinterest, guys.

Just wait. Give it a minute.

Yo, did you say you don't know what she's done?

No, I don't know.

Take a seat. You and I are gonna take a little trip to the land of shame, bro.

Here's the fucking thing that pisses me off about the world.

Like, every time someone's shit gets leaked,

whether it's J. Law or Leslie Jones,

the whole world's like, "Well if you don't want it out there,

don't take the nudes in the first place."

I'm sorry. I know your generation relied on flowers and fathers' permission,

but it's 2019, and unless you're Amish,

nudes are the currency of love, so stop shaming us.

Shame the assholes who create password-protected online directories

of naked, underage girls.

Cassie's actually super sweet.

You remember, like, from earlier.

- Yo, Rue, Rue. - Hey. How you been?

She's just being coy.

'Cause she has a new boyfriend she's head over heels for.

Mom, stop being retarded. He's not my boyfriend.

Oh. Okay.

Who's that handsome young man who came over for dinner last night?

- Oh, my God, Mom! Stop! - Christopher McKay.

So, you're dating McKay.

Okay, Mom, I'm literally going to poison you in your sleep.

So, Rue, how was rehab?

Did you meet any cute guys there?

- Here's that eyeliner. - Thanks.

But anyway, back to this bullshit.

And the Oscar goes to...

- Oh! - Shit!

I'm talkin' 'bout, like, tag team.

- That's what I'm saying. Double team. - Like, triple.

- With Roy in the front. - You can't tell that that's her, man.

- It's her, bro. - This is her. Look at her titties.

You want my advice? You fuck her like the whore she is,

you kick her ass to the curb.

If you don't, we will.

Shut your all little virgin asses up, man.

Y'all wouldn't even know what to do with that.

Are you crazy? I just got a tutorial, step-by-step.

It's obvious that Nate got in McKay's head,

because Cassie told Lexi, and Lexi told me, that the night of the party...

What?

Nothing.

Why do you keep staring at me?

I'm sorry. Kind of spaced out for a second.

I wasn't being weird, was I?

No. You're being cute.

Listen, I don't want to sound corny or whatever, but...

...you are literally the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.

They hooked up.

Fuck.

You always this wet?

Kind of. It's super embarrassing.

- Does it turn you off? - Not at all. It's cool.

Stay right here.

Aah!

McKay. McKay, stop! Stop...

Now, I know this looks disturbing, but for real,

I promise you, this does not end in a rape.

But here's the thing. Everyone on the planet watches porn. Fact.

And if you were to click on the 20 most popular videos on Porn Hub right now,

this is basically what you'd see:

Good girl, yes, yes.

Are you gonna be an obedient little slut?

- Say thank you, again. - Oh, thank you.

I'm not trying to be sex negative or anything. I'm just saying...

Stop!

...this shit isn't out of left fucking field.

- Fuck, McKay! - What did I do?

Why would you grab me like that? I couldn't breathe.

- I don't know. I thought you liked that. - Why the fuck would I like that?

Cassie, I'm sorry. I didn't know.

I just didn't expect it.

Cassie, I'm really sorry, okay? I'm sorry.

You know I would never do anything to hurt you.

Just don't do it again.

Unless you ask me first.

Or I ask you.

Anyway, I didn't go to Lexi's. That was a lie.

So, I was walking to McKay's party,

because I have this rule that I don't drink and bike, 'cause like...

- Is that...? - Oh, shit. Slow down.

Dude, that's Rue. Oh, my God.

- Wait. Didn't Rue, like, die? - Oh, my God, I hate ghosts.

Yo, Casper! You want a ride?

Why, thank you.

- Ah. How old are you? - 22.

Thanks.

Do you live in town?

No. I'm just, visiting my grandparents.

Hmm.

What about you?

Do you walk around like this?

What do you mean?

Well, this is how you look generally?

I mean... yeah.

You're beautiful.

Thank you.

I'm envious of your generation, you know.

You guys don't care as much about the rules.

You know, I think that's a good thing.

And I don't want to be that old guy that gives you advice,

but I look at you and I think there are...

two versions of how your life can go.

You can either go someplace,

where you're wanted for who you are.

Or you can stay in a town like this. End up like me.

Living your life out in motel rooms.

Selfishly...

I hope you stay.

Wider.

Wider. There you go.

That's it. Good girl.

Jules once told me that every night when she was a kid,

like, five or something...

Spit.

...she'd lock herself in the bathroom,

get down on her hands and knees, and...

pray to God.

She'd pray that when she woke up in the morning, she'd be 25 years old.

She'd live with her best friend, a girl.

Someone she hadn't met yet, but...

someone she knew she'd trust forever.

I don't know why, but when she told me that story,

I started to cry so hard I hyperventilated.

You're so clean. And you don't know how rare that is.

Jules just kept laughing and saying, "What's wrong?" But...

I didn't know.

And then, the night got weird.

- Hey. - Hey.

Now, there's a couple versions of what happened that night.

It all depends on who you ask, and to be honest,

I'm not always the most reliable narrator.

But Nate was fucking on one.

And in turn, Maddy was fucking on one.

Hi.

Get undressed. I want to go swimming.

- You're so hot. - I know.

You're fucking crazy.

No, I'm not. I'm just trying to get back at my really shitty ex-boyfriend.

What?

What if I told you that I wanted you to fuck me, right here, right now?

Are you serious?

And that's right about the time that Jules decided to ghost her hookup

and bike over to McKay's.

Now, Jules texted Kat, but Kat didn't answer, because...

So what's the deal with your friend, BB?

- What about her? - Is she a prude, or is she a slut?

Definitely a slut.

- What about you? - What about me?

- Are you a slut? - Yeah, I'm a fucking savage.

- Oh, yeah? What's your number? - Higher than you two can count.

Stop playing. You're a fucking prude.

Now, Kat wasn't a prude, but she was a virgin.

She'd told Jules that a week into summer school, and when Kat saw her reaction:

Bitch, this isn't the '80s. You need to catch a dick.

She was on a mission to enter junior year as a woman of questionable morals.

Let me ask you a question.

If I were to pull my dick out right now, would you suck it?

- I don't know. Let me see it. - It's not hard yet.

You've probably never sucked a dick in your life.

- Yeah, I have. - Most girls don't know how to suck dick.

- Yeah. - What do you mean?

Well, they're too gentle. It's like, they're fucking scared of it.

- Not in porn. - Exactly.

- You watch porn? - Doesn't everyone?

No. Every guy does. Yeah.

Not prudes. Only sluts.

- Yeah, well... - Yeah, but like, how much?

- What? - How much of a slut are you?

Mm. Why don't you come find out?

Why don't you take your top off?

Like, right now, in front of... in front of these two?

Yeah.

I dare you.

Yo, you know what they say, right? Fat girls give the best head.

I was out back talking to Fezco when Jules arrived.

What the fuck, Rue?

What? What, what, what, what?

Come on now, bruh. You owe me 120 bucks.

- My bad, man, I forgot. - Shit, you know I ain't trippin'.

Well, to be honest with you,

your whole drug shit got me feeling kind of uneasy.

Come on, don't go soft on me, Fez.

No, I'm not. It's just that...

I like you. And I missed you, bruh. Like...

That shit at the beginning of summer had me scared as fuck.

- Yeah, you and everybody else. - I'm serious, Rue.

I've seen a lot of people die.

None like you.

I don't know what type of fucked up shit you got going inside your head.

I don't know how to help, but I could tell you one thing:

this drug shit, it's not the answer.

You know, I remember when I was eleven years old...

It was a couple months after my dad got diagnosed,

and we got the results back from the prognosis.

And it was really good. It was like, 80/20.

And we decided to celebrate, so...

we like ordered a bunch of Chinese food.

I remember that night, I was laying between my parents in bed,

and...

all of a sudden I couldn't breathe.

It was like there was no more air left in the world.

And I was gasping, and I was panicking.

And they called the ambulance and they thought it was like...

an allergic reaction or some shit.

And then when I got to the hospital,

they gave me liquid Valium.

Yeah. To calm me down.

And when it hit me, I thought...

This is it.

This is the feeling I have been searching for my entire life,

for as long as I could remember.

Because suddenly...

...the world went quiet.

And I felt safe, in my own head.

Two years later, he was gone.

Panic attacks stayed.

And I found a way to live, so...

Will it eventually kill me? Maybe.

Fuck, maybe not. I don't know.

You still gonna be my dealer, Fez?

You a fucking trip, bruh.

I'm too high to be having this conversation right now.

Yeah, man. Me, too.

Me fucking too.

Yeah, that's real classy, you fucking whore.

Suck my dick.

Ooh!

Get the fuck out of here! Get the fuck out of the kitchen! Fuck!

Get out of here! Get the fuck out of here!

What the fuck are you looking at?

Who are you?

- I'm Jules. I'm a friend of... - You're a friend of...

A friend of whose? 'Cause you're not my fucking friend.

Who the fuck are you friends with, Jules? Hmm?

Do you guys know who the fuck this is?

Does anybody know who this is?

Does anybody know who the fuck Jules is?

Anyone at all. You, do you know who the fuck Jules is?

So, who are you?

I'm just minding my own business. I'm not trying to start anything.

Well, no, you're not. Nobody that looks like you

is minding their own fuckin' business.

I know what you are.

Yeah. Yeah, I see you.

So what do you want?

You want some, some fucking attention?

'Cause I'll give you some fucking attention.

Yo, is anybody here friends with Jules?

Anyone? Does anybody know who the fuck this bitch is?

Somebody better speak up, or this bitch is gonna get fucked up

Shit!

- You wanna fucking hurt me? - No, I was fucking kidding!

Back the fuck up! What the fuck is your problem?

Put the fucking knife down, okay.

- It was a joke. - You wanna fucking hurt me?

- No, no, no... - You have no fucking idea

- See? - You're psycho!

- I'm fucking invincible! - You're a fucking freak.

What the fuck?

By the way, I'm Jules.

I just moved here.

I mean... right?

Where the fuck have you been? You missed the craziest shit ever.

I just lost my virginity.

Bitch, are you fucking serious? With who?

This guy from St. Mary's.

- How did you like it? - It was nice. Yeah.

Oh, my God. My little slut. I'm so proud of you

Yo! Shit...

- Are you okay? - Yeah. It's fine.

Guess I knew that was gonna get violent,

and I didn't want a fucking broken cheekbone or some shit.

Yeah, no, I totally I get the logic behind it.

But it's still, like, fucking insane.

- I'm Rue. - I'm Jules.

Where are you headed to?

Home. Probably.

Can I come with you?

Shh.

Let me see.

Oh.

- Shh - Sorry. Sorry.

Remember when I said things got weird?

So... yeah.

I've got an idea.

What?

Wanna get high?

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