Original subtitles

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidant

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card attached would say

♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪

Morning, Rose, Dorothy. Hi.

What a night.

Did you hear that racket out front?

I didn't sleep at all.

I think Dreyfuss has the hots for our lawn flamingo.

Ma, we don't have a lawn flamingo.

In that case, we'd better tip the paperboy.

What's with the photo albums?

Oh, I'm doing a family history.

And I'm gonna need your help.

You know, I think it's important to tell

the grandchildren about their ancestors.

Give them a sense of pride in those who came before them.

Even Uncle Nunzio?

Even Uncle Nunzio,

but we call the goat a pet.

Anyway, Ma, I want you to drag out anything

that'll jog your memory about the old days.

You know, people in St. Olaf are lucky.

We all had the same family tree.

You can trace each of us back to the same brother and sister.

Well, I think that completes the puzzle.

Wait a second.

Why are you asking me questions about our family?

Uh-oh.

I'm gonna die.

You talked to my doctor. I'm gonna die.

Ma, the doctor says you're healthy as a horse.

Well, actually, the doctor in our pre-paid health plan

says you're healthy as a camel.

I assume in his country it's the same as a horse.

You know, Dorothy, for an extra $5,

we can get a doctor who sees patients one at a time.

Wonderful news.

The contractor says he can start building the hot tub tomorrow.

Oh, this is so exciting.

So, Blanche, you must be paying extra

to get a building permit that quickly.

Hey, I'll tell you one thing,

the damn government isn't gonna see one red cent of my money.

But, Blanche, the city requires a permit

on any new home construction built within five feet

of a standing structure used as a primary dwelling.

Rose, all this technical information,

it doesn't sound like you.

And if Blanche doesn't get that permit,

I think they could make her live in a shoe.

Welcome back, sweetheart.

It all happened so fast.

He grabbed her. She bit him.

He stuffed her in his calamari wagon and sped away.

And that, dear grandchildren, is how my parents met.

How romantic, a roll in the squid.

May I remind you, the purpose of these stories

is to give the kids family pride.

Hey, I'll have you know it was my father

who single-handedly invented the ransom note.

If you're not gonna take this seriously,

I'm just gonna do the history by myself.

Hey, keep away from that. What are you...

What's in the box?

Mexican jumping beans.

Ma.

Sorry, Hispanic jumping beans.

You don't want me to know, fine.

I wouldn't dream of infringing on your privacy.

Look, Rudy Vallee!

Where? Where?

Dorothy, I'm gonna give you till the count of three to give me back that box.

One...

By the way, your reflexes are a joke.

Dorothy,

guess what I have under my robe?

That guy from the circus?

No, Dorothy, my new swimsuit.

I'm wearing it to entice the muscular young men

who are coming over to install my hot tub.

Would you like to see it?

Is it a two-piece?

Yes. No.

Oh, this is just so exciting.

I love construction workers.

Good with their hands, dumb as stumps,

and don't mind showing their buns when they bend over.

Hey, look what I found.

The box!

Rose, where did you get it?

Oh, I was just under my bed playing, and then there it was.

Do you know whose it is?

Oh, Rose.

Oh, Rose, how can I look at that face and lie?

It's mine.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Hi, I'm Don Benson. I'm here about the hot tub.

Oh, my goodness, word does travel fast.

It's not in yet, Don.

Oh, no, I'm not here to soak in it.

I'm a city inspector.

You can't come in here.

This house has been quarantined.

We all have, uh...

Quick, Rose, give me a deadly disease.

Oh, I'm sorry, Blanche. I don't have a deadly disease.

Well, get one.

Yeah. I'm sorry.

Well, we're off to a bad start.

Won't you come in?

May I help you?

Yeah, I got a call from a Lois Nylund.

Oh, that's Rose Nylund.

Rose, as in a series of seats in a movie theater.

Or the flower?

Well, yeah, that, too.

Rose, can I see you in the kitchen?

I don't know. Why don't you go in and find out?

Get in there! Go, go!

Excuse us.

I ought to have you horsewhipped.

I haven't even opened the damn box!

I'm-- I'm sorry.

I cannot believe you called the city

after I specifically asked you not to.

Well, I couldn't just sit there and be party to a lie.

Oh, Rose, come on. There're times it's all right to lie.

Dorothy will back me up on this. Right, Dorothy?

No, it is not right to lie. Anybody got a bobby pin?

Look, Rose, I have calculated the cost of this hot tub

right down to the last penny.

I cannot afford any useless permits.

Now, if he insists I have to have them,

it's gonna be on your head. Period!

Well, I can't believe she said that.

Exclamation point.

Well, who's to say?

Question mark, new paragraph...

What the hell am I saying?

Rose.

Rose, this isn't my box, it's my mother's.

I was gonna open it, but I can't.

Dorothy, I'm proud of you.

I can't with a bobby pin, maybe with a butter knife.

Rose, you're off the hook.

Don just made a quick, five-minute inspection and guess what?

The permit's only $40.

You were right about tellin' the truth.

Oh, well, if there's one thing I'm good at, it's citizenship.

That and guessing the weight of brood sows.

Shut up.

135.

Well, it's just nice to know there's still people out there

who don't think the city's out to get them.

Somebody moving in? Oh, hardly.

With the three of us renting from Blanche,

we're practically sleeping on top of each other.

Oh, you can't do that.

Well, we all wear pajamas.

No, I mean you can't rent to more than two people

unless you have a boarding license.

Oh. Oh, well, what the hey?

Put it on my bill. What is it, another $40?

Well, the permit's $80.

Oh, well, that's not so bad.

But the improvements you'll have to make

will run you about $10,000.

$10,000?

I can't afford that.

Not even if I use up all my hot tub money.

Well, I guess you'll just have to lose a renter.

Hey, you got 48 hours.

For... Hey, uh, Don, wait!

All right, I'm gonna catch him,

but you're gonna sleep with him.

Rose. Rose, you're not going to believe what I found in that box.

Look at this photo.

Oh, it's Sophia as a young bride.

Yeah, but that's not my father.

Ma was married to someone else before she married Pop,

and she never told me.

I mean, she lied to me.

I don't know this woman.

I--I don't know my own mother.

Ah, here you are, Ma.

I still have a couple of questions about our family history,

if that's okay.

Fine. As long as you don't ask me about the box.

The box? What box? Oh!

It completely slipped my mind.

Oh, yeah.

That kind of thing happens to me all the...

All the...

All the shrimp you can eat.

Nice try, Ma.

Let's talk about 1920.

Bad year. Now, 1918...

I said 1920.

Okay, 1920 it is.

The year I sailed for America.

Ah, America.

The land of opportunity, where the streets were paved with gold,

and a young man named Irving Berlin

was writing songs like this.

Hit it.

Dorothy, where's our piano player?

Ma, get back on the track.

1920.

Did you date much?

Not really.

Then what about this picture of you in a wedding gown

with someone who is identified as Guido?

Oh, World's Fair,

at the "Have your picture taken with a Guido" booth.

Ma, you were married to somebody else.

I have a right to know about it.

Wrong.

There are some things a daughter should not know about her mother.

You're always sticking your nose in where it doesn't belong.

Just like that old dog Sandy we used to have.

God, your father loved that dog.

Can you believe that?

After I've bared my heart and soul to that woman.

Oh, Dorothy, you hide things from her all the time.

Yeah, but she doesn't know that.

I am the smartest woman in the whole world.

And I am the Pygmy queen.

No, wait a minute.

Blanche, what would you say if I got a permit

that would let you have as many people stay here as you want?

What? Oh, that's terrific.

(SIGHS) Rose,

this says I'm going to turn my home into a halfway house

for recently released criminals.

Yes, Rose, you are the smartest person in the world.

Burger World.

Rose, if I use this permit,

any kind of scum could walk through the door.

Thieves, murderers,

men who haven't seen a woman for 10 years,

who've been doin' nothin' but liftin' weights and countin' the days.

Dorothy, remind me again why this was a bad idea.

Oh, Blanche, be serious.

Now, if we want to stay together,

we're gonna have to raise $10,000.

Well, I don't see why I should have to raise any money.

I didn't create this problem.

I think the moronic Scandinavian nitwit ought to pay it.

She's talking about me, isn't she?

No, Rose, she's talking about Spike Lee.

Well, don't get smart with me, Dorothy,

just because you're out $10,000.

Me? Well, face facts.

I mean, we were already roommates

when you brought your mother in.

So either pay up, or Sophia should move out.

Oh, thank you very much,

but if anybody is going to put my mother out in the cold,

it's going to be me.

No, Rose, forget it.

She did sort of just dump the old lady on us, didn't she?

Oh, now you're buddy-buddy with the moronic Scandinavian nitwit?

Jealous, are we?

Fine. Fine.

I try to come up with a solution,

the two of you don't even try to help.

Fine. Just count me out of this.

Well, fine. Just count me out of it.

Fine. But it's your funeral.

Nice try, Dorothy,

but she'd probably need a permit for that, too.

Oh, here you are.

All right, Rose, I have something to say to you now,

and I want you to pay attention.

Listen to me, honey... Oh, Blanche, I'm sorry.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry, too.

Oh, no, but I'm really sorry.

Oh, girls, I am so sorry.

No, we're the ones that are sorry.

I'm sorry.

Oh, sweetie, get over here.

We're sorry, too.

Yes, we are. We're really sorry. It's our fault, too.

Hey, how were you supposed to know

I had an accident in the hall.

Hey, why were you guys sorry?

Oh, well, this isn't solving anything.

This whole thing was my fault.

I'm gonna be responsible. I'll move out.

Rose, you are not going to move out.

Well, somebody has to. How else are we gonna choose?

We could do what they do in Russia.

We could vote.

Here, it's the only fair way.

I would just like the panel to disregard that accident-in-the-hall thing.

All right, everybody, just write down who you think ought to leave.

Well, you know this is a waste of time.

I'm just gonna write down myself.

Don't tell us that.

Yeah, maybe we should do this. It's the fairest way.

All right, but it's just gonna end up being me.

Okay.

Okay.

Here we go.

Good luck, ladies.

Dorothy.

(SIGHS)

Dorothy.

Dorothy.

Dorothy.

Well, that's that. Let's eat. I'm starved.

Wait a minute. How did this happen?

We all voted for you.

Well, Dorothy, it's your own damn fault.

Why did you have to vote for yourself?

I just assumed that everyone was gonna vote for Rose,

and I--I didn't want a sweep to hurt her feelings.

I guess that would hurt.

It does!

Oh, no.

No, wait, I cannot allow this to happen.

Now, this whole thing was my fault.

I am the one who must go.

No! Nobody is gonna go anywhere.

Now, there's gotta be another way.

Well, what choice do we have? I mean...

Oh, I'll miss you, and you know I love you.

But it's the only way.

I'll just have to find some other place to rent.

Oh, would you stop saying that.

Hey, wait a minute.

The city says you can't have three renters, but what if...

What if we're all co-owners?

Co-owners?

Yeah. You sell us each a share of the house

and we pay you every month, like we always have,

but instead of paying rent, we'll be paying the mortgage.

I tell you what.

Why don't we just forget all about the mortgage,

and I'll just give you all the house as a present?

Yeah! Then I'll just buy all your clothes, pay for all your food,

set up trust funds for all your grandchildren.

Throw in a piano player, you got yourself a deal.

Like hell! This is my home we're talking about here.

And it's more than a home. It's memories.

Dorothy, this is where I lived with my husband.

It's-- It's my past,

and it's my future.

As I move on towards middle age, it's all I have.

You're right, Blanche, it's a lot to ask.

I'm sorry, but it really is.

I just could never sell it.

Not even to you all.

(SIGHS)

I know what you're gonna say, Dorothy,

you can't stand to see me go. But I've made up my mind.

Rose, listen... Now you're going to tell me,

"I'll miss you. God, how I'll miss you."

Rose, you have to listen to me.

"You know, Rosie," you're thinking.

"I sure could use one last St. Olaf story before you leave."

And then I'd ask,

"Shall I tell you about how the St. Olafians

"were one of the original lost tribes of Israel?"

Taxi!

I knew you were gonna say that.

Look, Rose, sit down.

Now, you are not going to leave.

Rose, we need you here. Really.

You're too important here!

Okay, that's not believable.

We love you.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

So, who's leaving?

Oh, we were just discussing that, Mr. Benson.

I'm afraid that no one's leaving.

You see, we're a family here.

Well, not the conventional one,

but we love each other and...

Excuse me, snoop.

Liar. Rhino.

Lizard.

It's real love, Mr. Benson.

It's an honest love.

And, yes, we might have secrets

that we stubbornly try to hide from each other...

Python. Swamp insect.

But we're a family nonetheless,

and you can't break us up.

Well, as moving as all this is, I can't help you.

I gotta file my report,

and either Mrs. Devereaux has to bring the house up to code,

or somebody's gotta leave.

Wait just a minute. These women no longer live in my house.

Blanche, what are you saying?

I'm saying that it's not just my house anymore.

It's our house.

I've decided to share the title with you.

We'll sign the deed tomorrow.

That way you'll have equity and nobody can make you leave.

By golly, you got me.

Say, Don, why don't you drop back by after the hot tub's in.

Ooh.

Land. I'm a landowner. I've made it.

And it only took 80 years.

Finally, property. I'll be planting soon.

Ma.

Oh, Blanche, this was so generous of you. I'm so touched.

Well, you know, I just got to thinkin'.

Yeah, this house was the home of my family.

But you're right, you're family now. DOROTHY: Yeah.

So, now it's our home.

Rabbits.

Gonna raise me some rabbits as big as your head.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Ma, we have to talk.

I think it's time we settled this.

Get off my property.

Ma, that's enough.

Now, look, Ma, this isn't our relationship.

Not talking to each other.

Ma, I'm sure you had your reasons,

but it can't have felt good hiding

this man from me all these years.

Well, no.

Then unburden yourself, Ma.

Not just to your daughter, but to your friend.

Here goes.

The man you saw in that picture was Guido Spirelli.

He was my first husband through an arranged marriage,

which I had later annulled.

And?

And I shot him just to watch him die. What do you mean, "And?"

I mean, that's all? That's all you're gonna tell me about it?

We were promised to each other when we were nine.

By most Sicilian standards,

he was considered quite a catch.

And he was supposed to inherit the family business.

Oh, what was the family business?

Getting even.

So, what was the problem? What, you didn't love him?

No, he was a workaholic.

I had the marriage annulled,

and two days after it was official, I left for America.

Ma, why couldn't you tell me this?

Dorothy, I went against centuries of tradition.

You don't leave an arranged marriage.

I disgraced my family's entire way of life.

I think I'm finally beginning to see.

Good.

Then you'll have the decency to lie if anyone asks you about it.

Of course not, Ma. It all has to go in the family history.

Don't do this, Dorothy. Don't do something we'll both regret.

I have to, Ma.

In 1920, your great-grandmother, Sophia Petrillo,

became a pioneer in the women's rights movement.

She single-handedly dragged her family into the 20th century

by refusing to be thought of as property

and demanding instead to marry a man she loved.

To do so, she had to leave behind everything she'd ever known.

And that is the kind of courage and strength

that flows through your veins.

Pussycat?

Yeah, Ma?

You make me very proud.

No, Ma, you make me proud.

I hope you're not waiting for a hug.

Oh, come here, you tramp.