Original subtitles

(man) My first introduction to fashion was through my mother.

It was her horrible fashion sense

that drove me to shoplifting.

Thank you. I don't wanna wear Grandma's old jacket!

Why not?

'Cause you have no taste, that's why.

How many little kid's have real leopard jackets?

None.

I'm gonna kick your ass!

Your ass is mine, fool!

We're gonna kick your ass!

(man) I realized early on

if I was gonna live to the second grade,

I was gonna have to make my own fashion statement.

Giorgio, where are you?

Aren't you hot?

Why don't you open that up?

No!

Ooh. Okay.

Hey, hey, what's the rush here?

(man) I learned then,

you wear good Italian leather...

(girls) Hi, Giorgio.

...you're treated like good Italian leather.

**

* Oh

* Oh

* If you want it, just throw it in the bag *

* It can be the most fun you've ever had *

* You ain't gotta worry 'bout the price tag *

* 'Cause if you want it, just throw it in the bag *

* Throw it in the bag, throw it in the bag *

* Don't worry 'bout the price tag *

* I know your friends gonna be mad *

* Don't matter, just throw it in the bag *

* Throw it in the bag

* Throw it in the bag, I got you *

* Get you anything in the room you want, go get it *

* Bracelets, oh, yeah

* Got them necklaces, no fear *

* Got them heels that set you higher *

* Pants fly flier

* Got your eyes on a mannequin *

* And that outfit got you beggin' *

* Price tags, no checkin' *

* Handbags, we're taking

* Best shoes, big faces

* Buy the watches buy the cases *

* Time is money and that's wasted *

* On expensive items we chasin' *

* If money talks, let it talk *

* So we don't gotta say it

* If you want it, just throw it in the bag *

* It can be the most fun you've ever had *

* You ain't gotta worry 'bout the price tag *

* 'Cause if you want it, just throw it in the bag *

* Throw it in the bag

* Throw it in the bag *

Okay, okay, okay. Hey, check this out.

This is Alaskan Thunder .

(both sniffing)

Five grand a pound.

I traded a quarter ounce for two ties. (chuckles)

All right, all right. What?

So what does the master of the five-finger discount

have for me, huh?

**

Ooh! Martin Margiela.

Like it. Okay.

Vivienne Tam? Yeah.

Vivienne Tam-- this is hot.

Whoo-wee!

Open it up.

Pamella Roland!

This is $8,000. Yup.

This is one Kiton.

This is cashmere! This is cashmere!

This is it, amigo! Look at that.

This is $11,000!

Whoo! 11 Gs!

I love it, I love it!

This is it, this is a score.

Give it to me, baby, give it to me, give it to me...

I tell you what we do. We start a bidding war.

And I will put this on eBay-- Yeah.

Mwah!

I could kiss you.

Oh, my God. Money, let's go.

I gotta sell this (...), let's go.

Listen, I haven't collected, man, so you gotta wait.

Just wait until next week and then it's all good.

I gotta wait until next week?

Yeah, just tranquilo. That's the way to go, man.

All right, okay. Here.

I'm going to take the Kiton

and I'm gonna leave you with that stuff.

You'll get it next week.

Maybe you leave the Kiton with me because-- No, no, no.

Because I take very good care of it.

No, no, no, we hold it for next week.

Giorgio. Ciao.

Giorgio, I have a safe.

Giorgio! Ciao.

(mutters)

Don't you move or I swear to God,

I'll crack your fricking head open!

I'm home early.

I was just doing a little cleaning up, that's all.

What, are you cleaning up or cleaning me out?

At least I come to see you.

Okay, come on, Ma, tell me.

How much?

Not much, considering.

The freaking horse broke the stride

one-quarter mile before the finish.

(muttering in Italian)

Would you just tell me, huh, without all the bull?!

Come on, come on, come on, Giorgio.

(sighing) Where is your sense of humor?

Huh? I owe Sal five grand.

Five grand? Yeah.

Oh, that's great, Ma. That's really great.

So now you're borrowing against your welfare check.

Now-- you know what?

Now you sound just like your father.

Stop. You leave him out of it, okay?

Oh, yeah? I'll leave him out of it?

First, he abandons us, then he drops dead.

Is that a responsible way to treat a family?

It's the same show with you over and over and over again.

Here, here, take it, Ma.

Take it, take my last dime. Every time.

You know, every night I go to sleep and I pray--

Lord Jesus, take Giorgio away from his tragic lifestyle.

The small-time thievery.

Make him ambition for big thievery.

Thank you for stopping by, Ma.

Anytime!

**

Shoot.

Oh, thanks, I--

Hey, what's that under your jacket?

Mind your own business, lady.

Wait, I see store tags. Are you a shoplifter?

Get out of my way.

Hey, wait, you're a shoplifter, aren't you?

Keep your voice down.

I steal to make the world a better-dressed place, okay?

What, you're a regular Robin Hood of Madison Avenue?

Hmm. Hey, wait.

Um, can we sit down and talk somewhere?

A minute ago you're breaking my balls

and now you're trying to pick me up.

I tell ya what, I love this city.

Okay, you know what, don't flatter yourself.

I just wanna interview you for my dissertation.

Your dissertation? What's a dissertation?

My Ph.D. Ph.D.?

Not only is she badly dressed and can't pick out a tie,

she's an intellectual, too.

This must be my lucky day.

Wow, you really are full of yourself, aren't you?

Well, it does fit the profile.

What's-- what's in it for me?

Well, for once you'd actually be performing a service to society,

like helping further scientific research.

Unless, you know, being a thief is your singular goal in life.

I'd like to tie you up sometime.

Is that your usual macho idiot reaction to an intelligent woman?

What's the pay?

Look...

just meet me here 1:00 tomorrow.

I'll explain it then.

(whistling)

I have found the perfect patient!

Wonderful. Can you turn around?

Oh, yeah, God, is there something on me? Yeah.

Stop it, Titus, I'm serious!

God.

17 perfect patients

have dropped out of your program so far.

Why is it they never seem to work out, Chanel?

Okay, I know, but I swear, this guy's different.

All right, he says he steals

in order to perform a service to society.

I mean, come on, an ethical shoplifter.

(laughing)

Delusional. Both of you.

The Robin Hood angle is something that really interest me.

And I have never seen that before in a medical journal.

Just think, we could be breaking new ground.

Well, you know my position because, no doubt,

you have read my book from cover to cover multiple times.

So you will remember that I state, unequivocally,

that shoplifting is related to a deficiency in serotonin.

I would simply treat him with a cocktail of antidepressants.

I use them on a daily basis.

It's how I stay positive.

Of course.

A pill for every problem.

Can't we just try something different for once?

My approach is faster.

Okay, yes, but...

as you can see-- look.

Chairman Mao, he used punishment and public shaming

in order to alter the behavioral patterns

of over one million Chinese people.

Come on, we can try that here.

But we're not in China, okay?

And-- and you still have no proof of concept

and the review committee is breathing down my neck.

Bottom line-- there is no Ph.D. without test trials.

(sponge scraping)

Raúl!

It's good to be king, hey?

Hey, man, today, you can be king, too.

I got something for you.

It's a $1,200 suit.

38 regular, your size.

Go on, it's you.

Why me?

'Cause, man, scrapping crap off dishes, bro,

ain't good for the soul, you know?

(chuckling)

What can I say, I...

I feel like crying.

Hey, save your tears on heartbreaks.

There's a shirt and tie in the bottom of the bag.

Enjoy. Hey, be good.

You know, I read the dissertation and I think...

it's-- it's just insane.

(woman) Oh, my God!

Look at those shoes.

19.99.

Payless.

And I love 'em.

Why did I name you Chanel, why?

I will never forgive you for that.

Well, Cartier was my first choice.

But that is just not appropriate for a girl.

Feel free to change it, you know, to, um...

Delores.

Or-- or Violetta to match your new profession.

What your mother is trying to say

is your choice of career is so beneath your potential.

I mean, basically what you're doing is--

it's social work.

I wanted my daughter to be a fashion designer.

Ha!

Yes. If you want to be a doctor,

why don't you be an MD?

I mean, start a clinic, invent something.

Look at your-- look at your Great-Uncle Richard.

He invented the penis pump. He made a fortune.

Oh, Charles, come on.

I heard about those early experiments.

No. They were a disaster-- those poor men.

g.

Is that your third martini?

We haven't even had lunch.

Oh? It's Thursday.

You know, what you're doing, it's not science.

Psychology-- it's not good science.

And the money, I mean, Chanel...

All right, you know what, Dad?

I think you should let me decide what's good science.

And as for money, why do I need to make any

when I already have yours?

Ooh, she's got you there, Chuckles.

**

Ugh! Ow, shoot!

crap!

(sighs)

(woman) I assume you're Giorgio. (Giorgio) Yes.

Evi Blau. Nice to meet you, Evi.

Nice to meet you.

New York City streets are worse than freaking Kolkata.

I have a good mind to call the mayor and give him an earful.

Maybe you should do that.

That's a nice car you got there.

Eh, I use it to run errands.

You see this? Hmm.

Van Cleef & Arpels. Hmm.

This is the most expensive dog collar in the world.

I used to put it on Putin when I'd walk him in the park.

Who's Putin? My Samoyed.

Sounds like a great life.

Yeah, it was.

Until last Thursday.

And I was walking down the street

and I happened to glance up in this window and...

it was like I was struck by lightning.

Every nerve in my body was on fire.

I saw the most magnificent outfit.

It was... incredible.

There was nothing I could do about it.

I couldn't buy it because my scumbag

oligar of a husband is divorcing me

and he cut off my credit cards.

(...). Sounds like a tragic story.

I was married to a 12,876th richest man in Russia

and I'm forced to put my Hermes bags online to raise cash.

I... I'm at the mercy of mass production.

Do you...

know what that does to my ego?

Anyway...

I hear you're the guy that makes dreams come true.

Real dreams. At 75% off retail.

That's a small price to pay for my sanity.

Do you pay your parking tickets? What?

Someone towed your car. Oh, shoot!

What the heck, I didn't have any tickets on that car!

What's that?

"I own your clothes, even your underwear,

"but this you can keep for now.

"I'm taking the car.

"Here's a 30-day pass for the subway.

Enjoy the subway. Sluha."

Sluha!

He screws everything that walks in.

He has the nerve to call me "whore."

(huffs)

Evi.

What?

What do you need?

Fashion Week.

Okay.

I'm sorry,

but it's gonna be a half-hour wait, at least.

Look, I had a reservation for 1:00

and I've been waiting over 20 minutes.

And, look, I saw you seating people ahead of me.

They were ahead of you. That is ridiculous!

Look, just check the list again, okay?

Chanel. Chanel Borden, 1:00.

You could be Lady Gaga

and you would still have to wait.

Ugh!

Hi. Hey.

Glad you made it, but let's go somewhere else, okay?

The hostess is kind of a bitch.

What, that girl right there? Yeah.

All right, give me a minute.

No, hold on.

Excuse me, miss. Hi, how you doing?

I gotta be somewhere in like...

like 20 minutes.

If I could get a quick bite to eat, I'll be out of your hair.

I promise, if it's not a problem.

I like that dress...

I'll be right back.

So what was that all about back there?

Oh, that?

Looks, charm, style.

It's the magic combo, works every time.

Yeah, you forgot modesty.

Well... 12,000 Rolex don't hurt either.

Stolen, I assume.

Look, I just got us a table at a hot restaurant.

You couldn't.

You know, I could buy that restaurant if I wanted to.

Sit down.

Let me tell you something quick.

You probably could buy that restaurant, yeah.

But then you'd get table out of duty.

See, I get it out of love and respect.

So besides this whole nonsense of you shoplifting

to better peoples lives,

do you actually really know why you do it?

Fashion houses pay workers $2 a day in Sri Lanka,

turn around and sell it for thousands on Madison Ave.

The world is out of balance.

I just help redistribute the assets.

Who is really robbing who?

Listen, I have a program at NYU I'd like to get you into.

And I will pay you $20,000

for one month of your time.

20 grand?

For one month? (scoffing)

All right, what's the catch?

Well, you know, some people might find the program

a little... extremely harsh.

Perhaps even brutal. Brutal?

I come from Queens, huh. I know brutal.

What do I gotta do for the 20 Gs?

Well, it's a breakthrough therapy that I believe

can actually rid your impulse to shoplift

in less than four weeks.

(laughing)

That's my favorite impulse. Why would I wanna cure it?

Because eventually you'll wind up in jail.

Just let me help you.

Seeing as the way you're dressed,

I think you're the one who needs my help.

We'll see about that.

**

You got anything great for me?

Hunt, have I ever disappointed you before?

Wow.

So I'm really the only one in the world with this?

Up until yesterday,

this was a one-of-a-kind sample from a top showroom.

Hunt, it doesn't get anymore exclusive than this.

That's great.

This is gonna be incredible for my opening in London.

I'll be back in a month.

Will you take care of the kids for me while I'm away?

They seem to like you. And here's the keys.

This is all you'll need to get in and out.

Que paso, bro? Hey, hey.

How you doing, homie? Hey, man, good.

Hey, so listen, I figured out how to get your Basso.

All right, what do we got?

I got a friend, Andy,

he told me there's a delivery tomorrow. Okay.

From then it's Basso to Vogue Magazine.

There's about a half a dozen items.

You go in there. Yeah.

Check it out, check it out.

All right, let's see. Check it out.

What you want is in there, my friend.

Ooh, that's gonna look good. That is gonna look good, right?

Get yourself a little bit of a disguise, you're in business. Yeah, yeah.

Okay, good. Okay?

All right, now, uh...

All right, now what do we gotta get Andy?

Oh, Andy, all right. Andy wants a pink, uh...

how do you say, he wants a pink cashmere sweater,

size zero for his mother.

Size zero?

She's dying of cancer.

Jeez.

All right, listen, I gotta go. I gotta go now.

Okay, but this one, you remember, 50-50, okay?

Uh, no, we'll keep it 70-30.

50-- 60-40?

We'll talk about it, all right?

Maybe-- may-- We'll talk!

I like 50-50.

**

(Jamaican accent) * Her name is Maxine

* Her beauty is like a bunch of rose *

Word up, man? I'm here to pick up the Vogue delivery.

* Did I ever tell you about Maxine... *

This bag right here--

it's marked urgent so you need it there within an hour.

No problem, man.

All right, just sign right here now.

Good to go. Thank you, man.

* Her beauty is like a bunch of rose... *

okay, okay, okay, okay.

Yeah, yes. Aviator, size 40.

Yup, I got it, I got it.

Okay, all right, and this is the A-list courier.

(normal voice) Evi Blau dress, other stuff.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

This is gonna fly out of here, man.

Look at this! This is red-carpet, man!

Come on, bro. You're moving up in the world, huh?

All right, all right, all right. Okay, okay.

All right, listen, this picky whore

wants a Freeman Aviator jacket.

Why?

He swears he always gets laid when he wears a Freeman's skin.

Come on, man, he can get laid in a dozen brands.

Look at me, I do.

You do, man.

You get more ass than a toilet seat, huh?

Can't do it, man.

No way, I've been there too many times this year.

I'm on their radar. Not doing it, mm-mm.

Uh-huh, but now I'm ahead of you.

You see, I checked everybody's schedule

and the jerk manager Costas, he's off tomorrow.

Yeah?

All right,

All right. One in.

Yo. Huh?

Pay day, come on, let's go.

Oh...

Come on. Come on.

Come on, no, come on, man.

Look at this, look at... Who writes these Internet ads?

Come on, who processes the Twitter and the--

and does the PayPal and--

What am I, man?

Am I like your "12 Years a Slave" kind of guy?

Then what the do I do, huh?

Pick lint off my ass?

No, man, but come on, man.

You have it easy.

You go in there, you steal.

That's it.

What's this, huh?

What's this? Tell me.

This is-- this is an overpriced rag, man,

with somebody's name on it.

What is this overpriced rag made of, huh?

Poplin, oxford broadcloth.

Go ahead, smart-ass, you tell me.

Go ahead, feel that. Okay, okay, okay, okay, all right, okay.

Man, you're the expert.

Ay-yi-yi... So come on.

Take your money.

There we go. Okay.

Don't forget,

I'm the man with the goods, okay?

Without me, you'll be chewing chimichangas until you die.

Uh-huh.

You know, I don't even like chimichangas.

I'll see you later. Just saying.

**

Oh...

Hello, hello.

What a great place you got here.

Yeah, well, I lose it at the end of the month.

Mr. Vasilavich is taking this, too.

What do you got for me?

Okay, okay.

Go ahead.

It's gorgeous, isn't it?

Yeah. You're amazing.

How did you do this?

This is America.

You're entitled to the pursuit of happiness.

You arso right.

Speaking of which, champagne.

I'll be right back. Very nice, okay.

Ahh.

You know what I think?

I think you're a very valuable guy

and I'm gonna have to keep you on a very short leash.

I work best with no leash.

Hmm.

I think that you've earned

one of my special Blau jobs.

How'd you find out where I live? I followed you.

(...) you're a stalker, too.

Okay, well, I'm sweetening the offer.

How about this?

Six box seats to the Mets, right behind first base.

Mmm?

Oh, I love the Mets.

Those are great seats.

My answer's still no, hmm.

Wait.

Okay, well, how about after completing my program,

I give you a week-long vacation at the Fontainebleau in Miami?

Airfare included.

And you still get the tickets.

I guess nobody ever told you this, okay,

so-- so pay attention very, very closely.

No!

Wha--

I shoplift therefore I am.

Ugh!

**

Open the case.

That's an invasion of my privacy.

Illegal search and seizure. Fourth Amendment.

Look it up.

We're going to bang it over your head, young prick.

(speaking Russian)

I got a better idea.

I do want a cop here as a witness

because when you guys come up empty-handed,

I'm gonna hit you with a harassment suit so fast

it's gonna wipe that look

and that look right off your face.

Plus, all the bad press you're gonna get

from "Channel Five News."

I'll get five on my side.

Hmm, want me to do that?

One day...

I'm going to chew you up

and spit you in the gutter with all the other garbage.

Don't ever let me see you in here again!

(speaks Russian)

You have a profitable day.

Excuse me.

Wait until he's block away before you mangle him.

is is a grand larceny, a "D" felony.

But wait, it gets better.

This may look like

a fun S&M contraption

to those freaks out there,

but it actually

is an ingenious criminal devise,

much like your case meticulously

lined with lead.

Bailiff, demonstrate the case to the court.

Thank you, Bailiff. Can you tell us why, Mr. Bene?

The lead blocks the radio frequency ID

in the tags so that the reader can't see it.

So very clever.

Well-schooled in deception

and property theft.

People like you are a threat to capitalism.

Your Honor, may I speak? Quickly.

I try to help people with their self-esteem.

You know, the pursuit of the American dream,

all men are created equal and have the right

to dress equally well.

Thanks to your bravado,

you've earned maximum sentence

in the Rikers Island hotel and health spa,

where, hopefully, they can cure you of these delusions.

180 days.

No, no!

(Giorgio) Well, how'd you find me this time?

It wasn't that difficult.

Didn't I tell you you'd end up here sooner or later?

How does it feel to be behind bars and powerless?

Sweetheart,

I grew up in the mean streets of Woodside.

Bars don't scare me.

That outfit, that scares me.

You know, I could get you out of here today,

but that's if you only agree to work with me.

I'm good, I think I'm gonna stay here.

You know, I actually thought you had brains for a second.

God, why is it you continue to act like an imbecile?

You know what? What?

I think you should hold onto this.

You might need it soon.

Yeah, I doubt that.

"Chanel Borden."

Giorgio, meet Diaz.

New best friends.

You're cute.

Giorgio, how am I gonna survive with you in here, how?

How are you gonna survive? What about me, Ma?

Look at me-- I'm the one who's wearing

orange polyester made in China.

You have to get out of this nickel-and-dime show

and find a way to make some real money.

How many times do I have to tell you that?

I know, I know, I know. I was thinking school.

School? Mm-hmm.

You went to high school already.

Not high school, F.I.T.

To study textiles and design

and lift part-time, you know, until I--

until I get a degree.

If I didn't know you're Italian, I'd think you're a homo.

Ma, come on.

Look, I've always been good at this.

You know I have.

I can make something out of my life

And what about me, huh? What about your mother?

(speaks Italian) What about me, huh, your son?

How come you never told me it was wrong to steal?

Mothers are supposed to do that.

(sighs)

A boy needs a man to teach him those things.

I'm tired, okay? I'm really tired.

I know, Ma, I'm tired. I'm gonna go to sleep.

I gotta go.

I love you. Me, too.

Listen, go to sleep. You know, get some rest.

But then when you get up,

you figure out what we gonna do, okay?

**

(stammering) Chanel, listen, I change my mind.

I think that it's a good idea for me to be doing this therapy.

I-- I really think I need it.

Can you get me out of here? Like as soon as possible?

Okay, okay, okay.

You wanna use the phone?

Go ahead, yeah, use it.

I got him! What? Who?

Robin Hood. He's ready to start whenever I say.

Um, this Robin Hood of yours exists in a fantasy land.

He's entirely inappropriate for your program.

But he's the only test subject I've got.

Your therapy makes for a great melodrama,

but it's never gonna work.

What will work is something that has been proven.

I call it the piña colada.

It is an antidepressant cocktail of cefuroxime,

trazodone, and clonazepam.

I've tried them all individually and collectively

with excellent results.

Okay, Titus, look, I know we have different opinions,

but this is my whole life.

I-- I need this. I'm desperate.

Okay.

But under two conditions--

if after one month I decide he has made insufficient progress,

then we switch to drugs.

Fine. I'll just make sure that doesn't happen.

What's the second?

Condition number two

is that you give me a lap dance right here on my lap.

That's why the call it a lap dance.

I just... (laughing)

But now.

I'm gonna have to take a rain check on that.

(judge) The therapy is a magnificent rehabilitation

for addicts like you.

You must complete her program to her satisfaction

and hold a job for six months.

All I need is a call from her

and I will send you back to jail

in a nanosecond with double the sentence.

So how do you know the judge?

Judge Lipschitz makes a lot of money off my father's funds.

He'll do pretty much anything I ask him to.

It's all about the club, right?

My father works on Wall Street.

Ah... Wall Street, huh?

The ones who (...) over America, huh?

He's created thousands of jobs for people

and he restructured the Greek debt

and saved them from bankruptcy.

Oh...

He saved the cradle of civilization from collapse.

What a nice guy, huh?

Look, Giorgio, I know you must be angry.

The poor, uneducated Italian guy from Queens

having to surrender to an overeducated,

wealthy Park Avenue therapist.

Why don't we take this time to talk about your feelings.

I prefer to check out your closet, hmm?

What does that have to do with your situation?

You get to know people your way, and I do it my way.

Fine.

Follow me. Lead the way.

(...) Best & Co.

Chanel, they've been out of business 20 years.

Spitzer & Spitzer? What is this, like a law firm?

Chanel, all this stuff-- Salvation Army.

Needs to go. It needs to go, it's terrible.

Rags, rags, Chanel.

Look at this, this is all--

This is thrift store, thrift store.

Homeless, burn it. I don't know, get rid of it.

Awful, terrible.

What is this? Jeez, are you ever label conscious.

And what are you, unconscious?

This is what a 90-year-old lady from Palm Beach

wears to her funeral.

Yeah, okay, to you, style may be substance,

but to me, it's just the opposite.

It's in-substance.

All these big words.

All these... cannot hide the fact

that you've got some deep, psychological problem, okay?

I don't know what it is.

Maybe your parents beat you as a kid.

What is this? Yeah, okay, this...

this is just a piece of fabric with some buttons, okay?

Nothing more.

You're just applying your own values to it.

No, you're confused about who you are.

What are you talking about?

Chanel, look at what you're wearing.

I mean, this is very Fashion Week...

for Omaha.

Look at it, you got this plaid skirt on that doesn't fit,

you got this thing that's frumpy as hell.

All right, come here, let me feel this.

Oh, it's cashmere.

Mongolian 4-ply, huh?

At least you're quality.

Okay, quality comes from upbringing and education,

not goat hair.

In all those years at NYU,

they didn't teach you about fabric?

Textiles wasn't exactly part of the curriculum.

See, that's too bad.

Because if they did,

they would have taught you that human hair,

hmm, is 75 microns.

But cashmere...

cashmere like this,

is only 19 microns.

Only 19?

Only 19.

See, the tiny air bubbles

travel between the fibers,

make it melt under your fingers.

It's like touching skin.

Soft, smooth.

I guess I never knew that cashmere could be so...

So much like sex.

Did you mean it when you said you were gonna tie me up?

Yeah, I think that's definitely what we call in this profession

"crossing boundaries."

Well...

now you know your patient better.

Listen, sex to me is just like getting on a StairMaster.

You know, you work up the endorphins and...

then you're done.

So as much as I enjoyed our little session,

I can assure you it's not gonna happen again.

And we're late anyway, so let's go.

(Charles) Anybody home? Daddy?!

Hi.

Uh, Giorgio, this is my father,

Charles Borden.

Oh, you're the master of the universe.

Yes.

And you're the peon

who's screwing my daughter under my roof.

I would like to hang you in this closet by your (...).

Daddy, this is my room and you're trespassing.

So get out!

(chuckling) Stop it.

Come on, let's go. All right.

This isn't mine.

Oh, God, I'm sorry that we're late.

Um, this is Dr. Adler.

He's gonna sign off on your treatment.

Ah, yes, the Robin Hood 2.0 project.

Chanel has told me so much about your many talents.

Yes.

Okay. Yeah.

Have a seat.

Um, so, um,

any family history of addiction.

Yeah.

My mother's a chronic gambler.

Ah, childhood is destiny.

Then that explains it.

Can I-- can I go?

So, um,

MRIs have shown that shoplifters and thieves

in general have structural brain problems.

Uh, this is a normal brain.

This is the brain of a thief.

Normal, thief.

Normal, thief.

Thief.

Now, um,

you can see there's not enough--

very well there's hardly any neuro pathways here

that enable the brain to send messages here.

And that's of course one of your many issues.

What?

Doc, come on, English.

Well, in terms

that even you can understand it,

essentially, you can't

tell your brain not to steal

because your brain is deaf.

Oh...

How much do they pay you to come up with this (...), huh?

This (...), as you call it,

is tested scientific data.

Well, then you know what?

I'll spare myself the lobotomy, okay?

Wait, wait, look, I already have your first check.

Yeah, yeah, no, no that's-- that's not a good idea at all.

You'll get this when we're finished.

No, no, no, it's okay, I trust him.

You can't trust a thief. That's an oxymoron.

Hey, look, you guys don't have to fight about this, okay,

because I'm the one with the trust issue.

Come on.

Money upfront or I walk.

Come on.

You know what?

Your brain must be deaf, too,

because that shirt is just screaming

to that hideous, gone dead sweater.

It's like, "Gah!"

As funny-- as funny as that joke is,

um, clothing, as an inanimate object,

is incapable of utterances or any forms of communications.

It's impossible.

A shirt would never "ahh" to anything.

It just is.

If it did, it would be that one.

Thank you, by the way.

Did you see that?

That-- Do you think he's a homosexual?

There is no way. I mean, absolutely not.

Even with those tight pants.

It's one-of-a-kind-- It's not one-of-a-kind.

There's bunnies everywhere!

A little painting like this and it's a great deal for $500.

I'm Greek! I'm Greek!

We eat bunnies with tsatsiki.

Look, look, look, look...

...a great chance for you not to eat the rabbit--

Nice, $100, yes. No!

Ma!

Look... $100.

Ma!

Come on, this is Greek. Ma, this isn't my stuff!

Are you mad?! What are you doing?!

Look, we're in the middle of a deal here. Don't-- stay there, don't move.

I'll be right back. Are you mad? What are you doing?!

Listen to me, I owe 20 Gs.

I'm up the creek of (...), Giorgio.

It's "up (...) creek," Mom. It doesn't matter.

You're supposed to take care of your mother.

I gotta get a 9-to-5 job to stay out of jail.

Are you kidding me?! Look, look, here's $40. Take that.

I'm gonna take the painting, you need the money--

$40?! This is a $5,000 painting!

Are you mad?! Get out of here, get out of here!

Are you crazy?! $40?!

It's a $5,000 painting.

Someone has got to take a chance on this family, Giorgio.

With your brains, you could be somebody like your cousin Aldo.

I say that over and over again.

Cousin Aldo?! Yes.

Cousin Aldo was a grand larcenist

who died an ugly death!

Why would I wanna be cousin Aldo?

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Yeah!

He died a proud man with money in the bank.

Money in the bank? Yes.

Ma, no one knows which bank! It doesn't matter.

It's money, money, money.

Listen, listen, everyone, everyone, come here.

Go, go, go, the sale is over.

Out, everyone, get out, get out.

Give me the keys, Ma.

Give me the keys.

You're serious? Yes.

Are you kidding?! Go, get out of here!

Go!

(Giorgio) All right, what's the plan?

All right, so here's what we're gonna do.

You're gonna find something--

scarf, belt, gloves-- I don't really care.

Anyway, you're gonna steal it

and you're gonna walk out of the store with it

and you're gonna turn around, come back,

return it to the shop.

And the entire time, I need you to repeat your mantra--

I am not a thief anymore.

I am not a thief anymore.

Got it?

That's it? Yeah, that's it.

Now get to stealing.

(sighs)

I am not a thief anymore.

I am not a thief anymore.

Steal this.

These?

No, no, no, no, no, not these, not these.

These right here. Ha-ha-ha.

Seriously, what's the difference?

What's the difference?

Do you know what color this is?

Blue. No, not blue. Turquoise.

Do you know what a turquoise glove says?

Enlighten me.

You don't work for a living, hmm?

Wow.

You really are superficial.

It's all about perception.

It's just a facade.

I'm okay with that.

Just steal the gloves. Try not to get caught.

(scoffing)

**

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa-- What's this?!

What's going on?!

(thudding)

I don't know what just happened in there.

Well, perhaps maybe you're losing your touch.

Ahh.

Let me see.

You set this up, didn't you?

I'm just trying to rewire your basic impulses.

Good luck.

Punishment heals.

Yeah, when the nuns whacked me, I didn't feel healed.

Come on.

(Pico) Just listen, what you gotta do is weekends, all right,

until the therapy bull-- I can't do it, Pico.

I can't do it. This bitch is on my case.

Yeah, and I got the Russians from Brighton Beach

and they're all over mine.

Okay, they're putting down deposits on Versaces

I don't even have!

I mean, what should I do, man?

I don't know, Pico.

Find someone else.

Someone else?

Fashion is forever, man!

Luck is not.

Why are you so emotional, Giorgio?

(electrical buzzing) (groaning)

What the?!

Congratulations!

You have just completed

the first major step in your therapy.

Exposure-and-response prevention.

I try to keep it at 90 volts.

I want it to be strong enough to throw him,

but not too strong to fry him.

Did I overdue it.

Oh, no, not at all.

It was perfect.

Are you both fricking insane?!

Mr. and Mrs. Borden are among our best customers.

And we've agreed to help Ms. Borden with her research.

To tell you the truth, if the law allowed,

I'd used it all over the store with suspects like you.

(chuckling)

No, no, no, no.

I didn't bargain for this.

I'll be dead before this is done.

I quit.

I choose jail.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I don't think so, Giorgio.

You see, the next jail won't exactly be like before.

Judge Lipschitz and I will make sure

to make that jail experience so unbelievably unbearable,

you'll be crawling back to my program on your hands and knees.

See, I need you cured, Giorgio.

And I won't stop at anything.

All right...

maybe you could use a little rest, huh?

Let's get you home. Come on.

Chop-chop, let's go.

Let's go, we've got another day tomorrow.

Come on.

Oh, that's the spirit, come on.

One foot in front of the other.

Hey. Oh, Giorgio.

Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry. I heard what happened.

It wasn't because of me, was it?

No, no, it's not your fault.

I got sloppy.

I heard you're in some kind of horrible therapy.

Yeah, well, what therapy isn't?

I just gotta suffer for a few months,

but when spring merchandise hits the stores,

you bet your ass I'll be back on the streets.

Okay, because, listen, like next month,

I have this wedding in the Hamptons

and it's the crème de la crème fraîche.

And I need the best dress

because I want to put that bride to shame

and make that groom want me again.

Evi, I'm out of the game right now.

I'm sorry, just for a little while.

I can't do it. No, no, no, no, no.

Please, Giorgio, just one-- just one dress.

Evi, I'm sorry, I can't.

Oh, come on, Giorgio, please.

Come on, please, just...

It's just one dress.

One little... dress.

Oh...

Please.

I have a dress that screams annulment.

Oh, my God, who's it by?

Basso, you're favorite designer.

(sighing)

Can I come with you to help you steal it? No!

I work alone. Oh, no, no, ple--

No, no, come on, Giorgio, please let me help you steal it.

Why would you wanna do that anyway?

Giorgio, my life is so boring.

Please, I love watching you steal.

Oh, my God, it makes me so freaking hot.

Please, just let me watch you.

You better listen to everything I say.

I promise. Like Bonnie and Clyde.

All right. Yeah?

I'll talk to you later, okay? Yeah, bye.

(sighing)

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, come on, come on. What?

I gotta show you something.

This is not where we're going for your therapy.

Listen, Chanel, go in.

This is important.

Just give me-- just go, just go.

Trust me, trust me. Just go, it's important.

Giorgio... Stop.

I do everything you tell me to do, okay?

Just give me one minute. What are you doing?

I'm helping you get in touch with your inner female.

Giorgio, let's just get back to work, okay?

One minute. Come here, turn around.

You see this?

Crêpe de Chine, hmm?

It's a biological fabric.

It's like a person touching your skin.

Now, now...

close your eyes, okay?

Feel it.

Let it feel you.

So what do you feel?

I feel your hand on my breast.

Apart from that...

absolutely nothing.

See, this is your problem.

Always in control. You never let go.

Sir, could we get a size zero?

Hey, you're in my therapy, not the other way around.

I'm just trying to help you rewire your basic impulses.

Yeah, right.

It's worth a shot.

All right, so this next step

is steal, return, and apologize.

That's so demeaning.

Returning is punishment enough.

Look, I know you can do this.

And I'm sorry, but the therapy requires you to experience

embarrassment and shame.

Only by then will you be receptive to change.

Did you lift this stuff from Stalin's notebooks?

And do you promise I'm not gonna get electrocuted again?

Just go to work.

I don't wanna get electrocuted.

(indistinct chatter)

**

I just stole this, okay?

I could have walked out with it no problem,

but I'm not gonna ruin my life for a vest.

Even if it is really nice.

How did you get past my security system?

(chuckling) That's none of your business.

It's part of his program. Um, I'm his therapist.

I don't know what your scam is, but you're both gonna be on

our YouTube shoplifter series. YouTube.

Stop, you have no right to do that!

Stop it! Seriously, give me--

I am his therapist!

He confessed to shoplifting,

so we can have him detained and arrested.

What is wrong with you?! You have no right!

And I'm taking the case as evidence.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, you're not taking the case.

Why don't you call your father or the judge

or fricking Superman and get us some respect in here?!

What is this?! All right, look.

Are you gonna leave quietly or should I call the police?

Let's just get out of here. I'm not gonna leave my case!

What are you...

Uh-ho-ho... you gotta be kidding me?!

(yelling)

Look, I get it, okay?

Just-- just release the bad energy, all right?

You (...) me! You've totally (...) me!

You've taken my entire career and-- gone, down the drain.

Giorgio, I thought you were letting go of that career.

Chanel, you... (grunting)

Giorgio, wait!

(horn honking)

I don't think I can take much more of this.

Well, I have good news for you.

This is the home stretch.

Oh, hallelujah.

What's this?

This is the last part of the program.

I know you can do it.

I'm afraid to ask what this even is.

All you have to do is put this on.

Trust me.

Oh, yeah, trust you.

Perfect.

"I am a shop..." What the hell is this?!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm not--

Oh, yes, yes, yes, Giorgio, you have to.

This is the last piece of the program.

I mean, come on, you don't wanna undo all the hard work that you've done.

You've worked so hard, Giorgio, come on.

But this! And it looks great on you.

Just-- all you have to do

is walk up and down Madison Avenue

until I tell you to stop.

Now go get 'em, tiger!

But this-- Go, go, chop-chop.

Go, go, go.

Shoplifting is one of the most destructive crimes

and a huge drain on our economy.

Uniform crime reports

there are 27 million shoplifters in America.

That includes the one shoplifting toilet paper

all the way to sophisticated thieves

shoplifting from fashionable stores like these.

We're here on Madison Avenue watching a shoplifter

in a hilarious rehabilitation program

walking the street where he used to ply his trade.

Here he comes, let's get a shot of him.

What the-- No, no! No, no, no, no, no!

Giorgio! Where are you going?!

Get back here! Giorgio!

Until a few months ago, my life was perfect.

I had the stores under control,

customers eating out of my hand.

How did my life go from...

from that to this nightmare?

It was bound to happen sooner or later.

But what I can't quite seem to figure out

is how you avoided jail for all that time.

(sighing) 'Cause I knew the rules.

Never stay in a store for more than three minutes.

Do your homework.

I was professional.

That's how.

You see this? Yeah.

This was my office.

Here, I kept a plan of every store

from Boston to D.C.

Exit doors, camera positions.

Here, I logged the salesmen shift,

everyone that got hired, that got fired.

I was one step ahead of everybody.

That's how I survived.

Giorgio, those are amazing management skills.

I mean, I'm talking on the level of Harvard MBA.

Um... do you think I could see that?

(stammering) What did you just do?

Giorgio, in therapy,

we call this "the point of no return."

That was my whole life in there!

I hope you don't have a backup.

(huffing)

Oh!

You know what bothers me?

You wanna know what (...)whwhat (...?

It's not your therapy. Your therapy is unbearable.

But you know what bothers me? It's you!

It's you and your-- and your--

and your superior (...) attitude.

You know, I wonder if it's not better to be fondled in jail

by some damn gorilla

than to put up-- get beaten up by you,

some insensitive bitch every day!

You know, you're smart,

you know, and you're beautiful,

okay, but you're no therapist, Chanel,

'cause you're all mind and you're no heart.

You don't give a damn about who I am

or what I need or what I care about.

I'm just a damn pawn in your little game.

You know what?

That's it. I'm through with you.

Done!

(Evi) Try a couple gowns. (Giorgio) Elegant, yeah.

This one too. I like the fur. Yeah.

Anything else you see?

Do one more, do a fur.

Yeah, I knew you'd like that one.

Yeah. Try it on. Okay.

All right, that's good.

All right. Thank you.

Go try 'em on. All right, I'll be here.

Thank you.

**

Yeah, it's beautiful.

It's just too big.

It's nice, huh? Yeah, I like it, yeah.

Looks good with those eyes.

Sweetie, I'm gonna be next door, so if you need me,

that's where I'll be, okay?

This is the one I actually like, okay? Okay.

But I have to come back for it

'cause he took all the money with him.

Wait a minute, I thought I gave you six dress.

No, I'm sure you gave me five.

Are you sure?

Well, I mean,

it's not like I'm wearing it or anything.

Anyway, I'll come back for that dress, okay?

Um... Thank you.

Oh, my God!

That was so amazing! It was so much fun!

It was so incredible.

You were so cool.

It was great.

Oh, hang on a second.

This one is on me.

This kind of stuff keeps me in shape in case I forget.

Trust me.

Here.

You wanna zip me up?

Some other time.

Really?

Mmm.

One for the road.

Okay, I gotta go. 'Kay.

Bye. Bye.

**

(clerk) The fit is beautiful.

It's fitting you perfectly right there.

And this is gorgeous. It's sexy.

You look fabulous.

You look like a princess.

It's beautiful.

(chuckling)

Oh, God, you saw me, didn't you?

Look, I know I'm a total hypocrite.

Maybe, just maybe my therapy is working, hmm?

Look, I, uh, I got you a new phone.

I'm sorry about the information you lost.

Although, you're never gonna need it again.

It's no big deal.

Um... I need a drink.

(Giorgio chuckling)

I don't even know what possessed me to try it on.

Do you know it takes 20,000 silkworms to make that dress?

Thank you. You're welcome.

Imagine that.

20,000 silkworms just salivating

to make your dress.

That's impressive.

Goodness.

Um...

I certainly have a newfound respect for those,

uh, hardworking silkworms.

Mm. Well, you should.

(sighs)

Did I ever tell you my dad worked on 7th Avenue?

Uh-uh. No?

When I was a kid,

he used to take me out on the showroom, you know,

and he would teach me about fabrics.

When I was a little kid,

I could tell the difference between shantung

and dupioni silk just by the smell.

Huh?

And when I guessed right...

he would buy me ice cream.

I still remember that, God, after all these years.

So you got that passion of yours from your father.

Yeah.

So you can say I came about it honestly.

And now you want me to give it all up

for the sake of your lousy Ph.D.

I've actually been thinking a lot about my therapy.

Hmm...

Mmm...

I don't think it's going the way I thought it would.

No.

You know...

you're the real thing, Giorgio.

God, if you put your mind to something,

you could do anything.

Yeah, well...

You have passion, Giorgio.

Um...

Have you ever read a book by, um, Anaïs Nin?

"Gunga Din"?

No, who's that?

Anaïs Gin-- ahem.

Nin.

A French-born Cuban author.

She's amazing. Oh, yeah?

She writes all about

male and female relationships.

Male and female relationships.

Shh! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You're reading about male and female relationships.

Shh! You got the book on you.

Of course. What is this?

Uh...

You're gonna read to me at dinner?

"How can I begin to feel?

I want to love in such a way that--"

See, stop.

Stop, stop. What?

Close this.

This is your problem, okay?

You read too damn much, sweetheart.

You're right.

I am? Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

Let's go home and not read.

Oh, really?

Yeah?

I think that's a very good idea.

Sometimes it's nice not to read, isn't it?

I have a question for you.

Yeah, shoot.

How do you feel about...

pure, unattached,

plain, good sex?

I'm all for it.

Definitely.

Is that what you thought this was?

Uh... yeah.

Yeah, it was...

very good sex.

No involvement.

Don't worry.

I was gonna take a shower and then go,

but maybe I'll just-- I'll just go.

Um...

I think this fell off your jacket

the last time you were here.

I know it's just a button, but I, um,

I saved it for you.

Let me see.

No, no, no, no.

This is not just a button.

Do you know what this is?

No?

It's a tiger's eye.

It's a very unusual button.

It's a semiprecious stone.

They say it has very unusual properties.

Like what?

Well, they say it gives you clarity

over life's major decisions.

I think I might hold onto it.

I have a feeling I might need it.

Well, well, well, if it isn't the ayatollah of compulsion therapy.

How, uh, how are you fairing? Any progress?

Um... possibly.

That doesn't sound very promising.

Yeah, um, about that.

Do you think I could maybe get a couple more weeks?

I get the distinct impression

that the reason that you find yourself behind schedule

is because you allowed Robin Hood

to impale you multiple times

with his arrows and feathers--

I'm sorry, I don't see how that is any of your business.

It most certainly is my business.

Your future is in my hands.

Not to mention your precious little Ph.D.,

which I know is important for you to go

show your mommy and your daddy how independent you are.

You don't need their money.

Fair enough.

Um...

But...

I'm pretty sure that you might wanna look for a new career

because I don't think sexual harassment

would fair too well on your résumé.

On what? Oh, I recorded it.

You can record people on your phone?

It's all right here.

Um...

Well, I mean, there's...

So that's why they call it a smartphone, huh?

Because it sucks the intelligence

out of the people who use them.

That's why they call it a smartphone.

So, uh, what do you say?

Do I get the two weeks?

Yes! Yes, yes.

Hey, hey, I know you.

Get out of here.

Sir, listen, I'm his therapist

and just here him out.

You know me as a shoplifter.

But I've gone to jail for my crimes

and now I'm reformed.

I'm looking for a job...

with you.

(whispering)

My manager's gonna love this. Come on.

Let's get out of here while I can still walk.

No, Giorgio, come on!

Just go, go!

**

Oh... thieving prick.

Had gut feeling I was going to see you again.

I never had chance to ask

how much you steal from me?

Last year?

50 grand, retail. Give or take.

Are you guy who stole

four bomber leather jackets in one day?

That was a special request.

Country-western band from Nashville.

I remember that one. Scumbag.

(speaks Russian)

You got steel balls, my friend.

More balls than brain.

Look, I'm his psychologist. He's under my care.

And I can reassure you that he is fully rehabilitated

and all he wants is a fresh start in life.

And, look, he knows everything about fashion.

And, uh, how would you know that?

What am I wearing?

Huh?

Can I...

Go ahead.

Okay.

Wool, cashmere, 50-50.

Coat about a 44,

waist 36.

Your shirt is cotton twill, I'd say about a 16 neck.

34, 35 sleeve.

Silk jacquard tie.

And your handmade shoes

are an absolute work of art.

John Lobb of London.

I should be 42, but I like to eat.

Close your eyes. Close.

Okay... tell me.

So?

40 wool.

40 silk.

20% cashmere.

Very good.

My gut tell me to make some phone calls

to some friends and have your body dumped somewhere

along Brighton Beach.

But...

I'm sucker for brilliance.

You're hired.

Yuri, wait, are you sure about this?

Yuri, you sure about this?

Of course he's sure.

I've been looking for guy like you

for a very long time.

I'll see you in the morning, huh?

9:00-- (speaks Russian)

That's right.

He starts tomorrow at 9:00 a.m.

He officially has a job.

Hate to break it to you, Titus, but I won.

You won, all right. What's wrong?

One day I'm an entrepreneur

and now I'm a 9-to-5 schmuck.

Yeah, but it's gotta beat jail, doesn't it?

"Using Aversion Therapy

"and the Treatment of Impulse Control Disorder.

By Dr. Titus Adler."

(...).

"Going against a current trend

"to medicalize compulsive behavior,

"this researcher has been conducting a study

in which a compulsive shoplifter..."

What the (...)?!

"...is subjected to a new...

"a new aggressive form of aversion therapy,

leading to positive changes in his behavior."

Bastard!

(Titus) So I think you should take a pink and a black...

How dare you steal my idea!

If-- if you remember, we were part of the same team, and I--

Since when?! Excuse me, I lent you my name.

Do you think that anybody--

if you put your name on that article,

you think anybody would have read it?

You are so full of (...)!

(shrieking)

You know what? I'm through with you.

And, you, whatever your name is--

Britney, Ashley--

In fact, I don't even care,

but the second you get out of your diapers,

you had better record everything this man says.

He's such a (...)!

I'm out of here!

Her name is Beatrice and she's Italian.

Don't mind her, she needed one of the black pills.

But I say one green for you,

one green for me.

Ha-ha.

Cheers. (giggling)

(Chanel) You know, apart from the whole stealing thing,

you're actually the most honest person I know.

That doesn't say much about the people you know, does it?

Yeah.

I made a monumental mistake choosing you for my study.

You're not a compulsive thief.

I appreciate you saying that, Chanel,

but I've got a confession to make.

I've been stealing the whole time, even last week.

I can't stop.

Yeah, but, okay, that just proves my point.

You're stealing out of love.

I like that.

It's true, I mean...

you love the fabric, the clothes...

buttons.

It's not a crime,

it's just misdirected creativity.

You should have been a lawyer.

Look, stealing isn't right,

but in your case, it's not an illness.

If anything, it helped you discover your true talents.

And look at how you're using them now.

What about your Ph.D.?

Yeah.

I mean, you're working,

so I guess technically I could get my Ph.D.

But...

I would pretty much need you to stand in front of a committee

next week and say that my therapy's working

and I'm not actually sure that it does.

I mean, come on,

I used threats to force you in order to take this job and...

Yeah, that's not exactly

the most acceptable approach to therapy.

So you want me to come in and lie for you.

I'd be eternally grateful if you would.

You're in luck.

Eternal gratitude is my second-favorite thing.

And what's your first-favorite?

My first-favorite thing would have to be...

Um... (clears throat)

let's just keep it professional, okay?

Okay.

Sure.

What's this?

I have schmatta business on the side.

Resorini, Giorgio. Giorgio, Resorini.

Come, look.

These two jackets, they look identical,

but they are different.

I want you to tell me what is.

Okay.

Uh...

let's see.

There's no difference.

I couldn't tell them apart.

(chuckling)

The difference is that one is original designer jacket,

the other is knockoff.

Wait, that one's a counterfeit?

Shh.

Correct.

Manufactured right here in the good old U.S. of A.

No more Asia.

I keep America employed.

Well, that's very patriotic of you, Yuri,

but why are you showing me this?

Quality control is top job in counterfeit business.

I need someone with your fashion intellect to run it.

Well, thank you for the compliment,

but the thought of anything fake... (scoffs) repulses me.

These clothes are real.

It's brands are fake.

(sighs)

Look, I was a shoplifter, okay?

I know that, but it's not my thing.

I'll train you. I'm in no hurry.

I'm setting up factory in Bible Belt as we speak

with Chinese money.

Soon the Chinese will be buying

counterfeit American designers from us.

How's that for irony, huh?

(chuckling) It's interesting.

This is all very interesting.

But I'm-- I'm gonna have to pass.

It's just, you know, it's not my thing.

I appreciate it, though.

Yes.

Yeah, sure.

(muttering)

You arrogant little punk!

I'm giving you opportunity of lifetime,

and you spitting in my face?

(groans)

So now I have two options.

I can fire you and send you back to jail,

where they ram all that arrogance straight up your ass,

but now... you know my business,

so now you're a liability.

So guess what.

Other option would be...

I don't know, are you gonna give me a haircut?

(nervous chuckle)

I'll give you 24 hours to decide.

Let's see how funny you are tomorrow.

Now get the fake out of my face.

(shouting in Russian)

Get back to work.

(cell phone ringing)

Hello?

Ma.

Yeah. All right, all right, calm down, calm down.

Where are you?

All right, all right, stay there, stay there.

I'll be right there.

(...).

You know, he had his girlfriend do it,

that coward!

She looked just like Uncle Angelo

with makeup on.

Let me ask you a question.

I gave you money. What'd you do with it?

I gave you the money to give to him.

I should have listened to that psychic.

Ma, Ma, Ma!

Come on, over and over and over.

You do the same thing.

How much?

10,000 by Monday.

Or she'll break my other arm.

I can't do this-- You should see her face, Giorgio.

She was very scary. She had eyes like a tiger.

She didn't look like a person.

I can't do it, Ma. I can't do it--

You have-- you have a job. You have a job.

A job! Yeah, I have a...

Can't help you, Ma.

Not this time.

Why don't you break my arm yourself?

Spare them the trouble.

Put me out of this...

just put me out of this misery, would you?

Put me out of this misery and bring me daisy

when you come to the cemetery.

(door closes)

I like daisies.

You have good sleep last night?

Yeah. Not bad.

Come.

Sit between us.

So, you come to a decision?

You made a very convincing argument.

How could I say no?

Welcome to family. (chuckling)

And since you're now member of family,

I want to show you very intimate detail

on part of my body

that only my women

and Costas has ever seen.

Mm...

See, I like you.

I'm a fashionisto.

Uh, "style for miles."

That's what that means?

Kiss it.

Never mind.

(laughter)

Hey, man. How you doing, sir?

Oh, oh, oh! (chuckles)

You're XYZebra. How you doing, man?

Listen, I'm sick and tired of this old-school hood look.

I'm playing the Garden, and I need a new image.

My man, you came to the right spot.

Follow me.

I like it.

Yeah, yeah, no, no, so do I, but...

but your personality, man,

it just needs something...

I don't know, it just needs something bigger.

It would be good if you were a banker, you know?

Bankers have the money.

Well... that's true.

Look, I don't have any more time,

so this is cool for now. Okay.

If you got other ideas, just send 'em over to my suite.

Yeah.

**

(gunshot)

(birds squawking)

Damn, son!

Now, that's real gangster couture.

You like it?

Versace ain't got nothing on you!

that's for real.

I'm saving this for the VH1s.

Uh, what's your name again?

Giorgio Bene.

I'll put your name on the list for my show at the Garden.

Bring your top bitch.

Well, thank you, Mr.... Zebra?

X is cool.

X. Okay, cool.

Uh, I don't have what you would say

is a top bitch right now--

Then, bring your bottom bitch.

It's all good. Okay.

All right, uh, enjoy. Um, nice meeting you.

I tell you what, though, these are really nice buttons.

Enough of buttons!

Let's talk about the drop.

It's gonna be just like in the movies.

Driver, he from Federated.

On our payroll. He'd be happy to be tied up.

So what's on the truck?

Shahtoosh.

Finest wool in all of the world.

Finer than cashmere.

Made from Tibetan chiru goat.

They sell for up to 10 G's when you can get them.

We have 500 coming from Kashmir.

They go nuts for them in Beverly Hills.

(exhales sharply) It feels like air.

Mm-hmm.

So why is it illegal?

The goats.

Aren't they cute, eh?

And delicious.

Hey, look. Look, look, look.

Yeah, but what's the deal?

They move too fast,

and they refuse to be sheared.

So you have to shoot them-- bang-bang.

Some animal-rights group

got them put on the endangered species list.

They should just go hug some trees or something.

(groaning) Hippies.

Oh, I got to tell you, boys,

I got a problem with murdered animals.

You didn't have a problem stealing our leather jackets.

I didn't kill 'em.

And besides, this is a container of dead goats.

I mean, they cry like children.

(speaking Russian)

Stop drama.

We didn't kill them either.

We only selling them.

My jacket, uh, your belt, his shoes,

all come from animals, too.

What's difference?

They are cute. So cute.

Bang, bang, bang. Here, shoot it.

Just shoot it. Just shoot it.

Shoot it. That's awful.

Shoot it!

(sighs)

(panting)

I just came here to tell you all

I'm now officially working for a mobster,

counterfeiting fashion brands.

I had no choice.

Bye, Chanel.

(door closes)

**

I was just wondering, can I, uh...

can I ask you a favor?

Yeah, I just was hoping I could maybe stay in your apartment.

And I totally...

Wait, are you serious? Six months?

No, that's amazing. Thank you.

All right, great. I'll see you soon.

Okay.

U.S. Customs. Come over here.

Customs?

I got nothing to declare.

We don't like your kind of humor.

Holy (...)! What else today?

Your boss, Stefan, we want him.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Stop the crap.

I only work for the guy.

You keep talking crap to us,

and we're gonna hang your ass.

You understand, boy?

Okay, okay, calm down. Go easy.

What do you mean, "boy"?

We need your help.

With the scarves? From Kashmir?

We got you on tape.

You're up to your nostrils in goat (...).

Where's the drop?

Where's the fricking drop?

(groaning)

Port Bayonne, Sunday night, 10:00.

(chuckles) Good.

That was the smartest thing you could do.

Good-bye.

(siren blaring) U.S. Customs!

Don't move! Against the van!

Hands against-- against the van!

Don't you move! Turn your head!

You are under arrest!

Turn your (...) head!

You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say can and will be used against you.

United States Customs. Don't anybody move!

You're under arrest, Stefan. Put your hands behind your back.

What now? This is so fricking not great.

And worst of all, to be brought down

by two dicks wearing Kmart.

You recognize this?

Is that your little girlfriend?

You're gonna miss her when you're in prison.

It's Tibetan chiru goat. Just get him out of here.

(imitating goat bleating)

**

What the hell happened here, man?

This is a fricking mess! (sighs)

Were you robbed? No.

Holy sh...

Hey, I'm gonna get some light in this place, huh?

No, Pico.

No, no!

Oh, come on.

Okay, come on, get dressed.

I got a little job for us. Easy money.

Go, man. Take it.

It turns out I didn't need it after all.

Hey, man, why don't you hold on to it for a little bit, huh?

Looks like you could use it.

Come on, let's do this thing. Come on, man, two hours.

Let's go, nice and easy. No, no, I can't! I can't!

I got to figure out my life, Pico. Just go.

Giorgio! Hey, Giorgio.

Just go!

(scoffs) Ah...

(cell phone ringing)

Morton Green, I don't know you.

Am I catching you at the wrong time?

Yeah, man, you are. What is it? Make it quick.

I saw the article in "New York Magazine."

I would like to talk to you about a designer job.

(chuckles) What is this, a joke, man?

Come on.

I'm out of town,

but are you available for a Skype chat in the a.m.?

I'll text you my address.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. For sure.

Thank you.

Ahh!

Excuse me, sir, you think I could buy that magazine off you?

Okay. Yeah?

(gasps)

Sir, sir, sir, that's me!

Giorgio Bene! That's me. Do you see that?

Okay. (laughing)

Thank you, sir. Thank you! Thank you!

(...)

Oh, come on.

What are you doing here?

Well, I'm making an omelet, obviously.

(chuckles) You look like you've lost your mind.

I don't know... (chuckles)

This is where I work, and...

I'm really happy.

You have definitely lost your mind.

Okay, maybe I did for a little while, but let's be honest,

I have you to thank for evicting me from my life.

You evicted me from mine.

Yeah, so what happened to you?

Did someone steal all your clothes,

or are you having a nervous breakdown?

Uh, heh-heh, that's kind of close.

I went through a rough patch there, but...

I might-- might-- have a design job on 7th Ave.

What? It's in there.

Right there.

Giorgio, this is amazing! (laughing)

Oh, that's amazing. I just--

I knew you would always do something with your life.

Well, I always knew you'd wind up someplace like this.

But, hey, look, you look ravishing.

Even in egg.

Well, you look pretty good.

Even in rags.

So... uh...

Yeah, I got to go, so, um...

Good seeing you.

Yeah, good seeing you, too.

I was very impressed with what you did for that rapper.

You think outside the box.

You probably graduated from F.I.T.

What's your work experience?

Uh...

Well?

Well, I... I didn't go to F.I.T.,

and I have no real

design work experience.

Your outfit shows great fashion knowledge

and sophistication.

Where did you learn all that?

I got to be honest with you, Mr. Green.

It's is gonna sound a bit-- bit corny, I guess, but...

learned it in the streets.

You know, I'm from-- I'm from Queens.

Been a shoplifter since I was six years old.

Went to jail.

Listen, sir, I'm clean now, okay?

And I'm just asking you, please, please just give me--

just give me one chance. One chance.

I checked you out, Giorgio Bene.

You're a good guy.

I think there's a major designer in you,

and I want to be the one

to help bring you out to the world.

Stop in and see me on Monday morning at 8:00 sharp.

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

(relieved sigh)

(Chanel) Giorgio, those are amazing management skills.

I'm talking on the level of Harvard MBA.

He knows everything about fashion.

You love the fabric, the clothes, buttons.

It's not a crime. Just misdirected creativity.

You have passion, Giorgio.

**

Dr. Adler was forced to resign.

The head of the department,

he saw your "New York Magazine" photo shoot,

and he was so impressed with your so-called rehabilitation

that he offered me a teaching fellowship

if I finish my dissertation.

He already arranged magazine interviews

to talk about my amazingly successful therapies.

It wa an amazingly successful therapy,

and I'm really happy for you.

Come on, it's a big lie, Giorgio.

You know that.

Chanel, the world is full of lies.

That's how the world runs.

But this...

this is real.

**

I forgot what a good kisser you are.

Chanel, I think you're the best thing

that's ever happened to me.

I'm so confused, Giorgio.

I think there's another chance for you

to prove that your therapy really does work.

With a patient who really, really, really needs your help.

Like who?

Ma, meet Chanel Borden.

This is the girl I was telling you about.

Hello. So nice to meet you, Mrs. Bene.

Filomena. Filomena is enough.

Now, she wants to enter you into her special program at NYU.

Wow.

Special program. I know, you mentioned that.

And this program, does it pay money?

(Giorgio) Oh!

Don't embarrass me.

Behave, okay?

My son...

always the wheeling and the dealing.

So, what is it about?

Gambling.

Gambling?

Gambling?

That's great. (chuckles)

And it'll take place in Atlantic City.

Mainly at the slot machines.

I love it already! I mean, this is great!

That's beautiful. I mean, I have a great friend

at the Taj Mahal, and he'll comp us on the room,

and then they always comp me on the food.

(chuckles) That's fantastic!

I'm happy.

All right, it was very nice to meet you, Chanel.

It was so nice to meet you.

Are you related to the Coco--

Okay, thank you, Ma.

(scoffs) He's so upset about everything.

Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

Giorgio, I think she'll make the perfect patient.

Amore.

Giorgio, amore.

I'm sorry. (chuckles)

Do you have some cash?

I just forgot my money at home.

Oh, you forgot cash. Yeah.

Oh, that's a big surprise. Yeah, for real, for real.

For real, huh? I forgot it, yeah.

I got a little bit. Okay.

Thank you.

I'm so happy about the program.

Listen.

I know love when I see it.

Bye.

Bye, Chanel.

Bye. Ciao.

I'll see you in Atlantic City.

**

(Giorgio) What was this all about?

(Chanel) When you walk into a store,

do you ever feel any uncontrollable urges?

Like shoplifting?

Not anymore.

I wanted to test it

by monitoring changes in your heartbeat.

And what did you find out?

Your radial artery showed a steady pulse rate at 65.

No emotion whatsoever, which is amazing.

I could have told you so.

I felt an uncontrollable emotion.

I couldn't help stealing something.

(siren blaring)

Oh, no, are you kidding me?

Chanel!

I know.

Should I return it?

Oh...

You're nuts.

**

(woman) * Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh, oh *

* I see you as you sip your drink *

* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh *

* Suddenly my mind is fuzzy

* Yeah, I can't think

* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh *