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1
00:00:02,534 --> 00:00:05,434
CHARLIE...
ARE YOU LEAVING?
2
00:00:05,467 --> 00:00:07,767
NO, I USUALLY CARRY
AN UMBRELLA AND MY BRIEFCASE
3
00:00:07,801 --> 00:00:09,400
TO THE MEN'S ROOM.
4
00:00:09,434 --> 00:00:11,868
THE MAYOR WANTS TO TALK TO US
ABOUT HIS SPEECH.
5
00:00:11,901 --> 00:00:14,000
THAT'S JUST AN EXCUSE
TO HANG OUT WITH US
6
00:00:14,033 --> 00:00:16,667
'CAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT
TO BE ALONE.
7
00:00:16,701 --> 00:00:19,400
THE MAYOR WOULDN'T USE WORK
TO TRICK US INTO STAYING LATE.
8
00:00:19,434 --> 00:00:22,033
LAST NIGHT HE SAID HE WANTED
TO REVIEW A TAX PROPOSAL.
9
00:00:22,067 --> 00:00:24,033
I SPENT THE NIGHT
LISTENING TO HIM TALK
10
00:00:24,067 --> 00:00:25,801
ABOUT HIS HIGH SCHOOL
FOOTBALL TEAM.
11
00:00:25,834 --> 00:00:28,701
HE PLAYED FOOTBALL?
NO, HE WAS JUST A BIG FAN.
12
00:00:28,734 --> 00:00:30,367
CHARLIE, CAITLIN, GOOD.
13
00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:32,200
I'VE BEEN THINKING A LOT
14
00:00:32,234 --> 00:00:34,200
ABOUT THAT SPEECH
FOR THE FUNDRAISER.
15
00:00:34,234 --> 00:00:35,501
ALL BUSINESS.
16
00:00:35,534 --> 00:00:37,601
I THINK
WE SHOULD REVIEW A VIDEOTAPE
17
00:00:37,634 --> 00:00:40,067
OF LAST YEAR'S SPEECH --
SEE HOW WE CAN IMPROVE IT.
18
00:00:40,100 --> 00:00:43,968
[ MEN YELLING, GUNSHOTS ]
19
00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:47,734
SIR, THIS IS
"BLAZING SADDLES."
20
00:00:47,767 --> 00:00:50,734
I MUST HAVE ACCIDENTALLY
GRABBED THE WRONG TAPE.
21
00:00:52,234 --> 00:00:54,000
THIS MOVIE'S A CLASSIC.
22
00:00:54,033 --> 00:00:55,868
WE GOTTA WATCH A LITTLE.
23
00:00:55,901 --> 00:00:59,133
I WAS ACTUALLY HEADIN' OUT
TO MEET SOMEONE FOR A BEER.
24
00:00:59,167 --> 00:01:01,067
OH, NO NEED.
25
00:01:01,100 --> 00:01:03,100
IMPORTED OR DOMESTIC?
26
00:01:04,334 --> 00:01:06,267
WHICHEVER ONE'S STRONGER.
27
00:01:31,133 --> 00:01:33,000
ANGIE, WOULD YOU TYPE THIS?
28
00:01:33,033 --> 00:01:35,133
IT'S THE MAYOR'S SPEECH
FOR THE FUNDRAISER.
29
00:01:35,167 --> 00:01:36,968
YOU WROTE ANOTHER DRAFT?
30
00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:39,000
I DON'T THINK I HAVE TIME
FOR THIS, CHARLIE.
31
00:01:39,033 --> 00:01:40,834
SEE IF YOU CAN SQUEEZE IT IN
32
00:01:40,868 --> 00:01:42,901
WHEN YOU'RE DONE BUYING PANTS
OFF THE NET.
33
00:01:44,601 --> 00:01:47,400
CHARLIE, I'VE GOT THIS
MAYOR THING ALL FIGURED OUT.
34
00:01:47,434 --> 00:01:50,734
HE'S LONELY.
HE NEEDS ROMANTIC COMPANIONSHIP.
35
00:01:50,767 --> 00:01:53,200
HEY, I'LL WATCH MOVIES
WITH THE GUY.
36
00:01:54,701 --> 00:01:57,434
THAT'S AS FAR AS I'M GOIN'.
37
00:01:57,467 --> 00:01:59,434
WE SHOULD FIX HIM UP.
38
00:01:59,467 --> 00:02:01,701
WHY DO WOMEN FEEL
LIKE THE WORLD IS A BETTER PLACE
39
00:02:01,734 --> 00:02:03,634
IF EVERYBODY'S PAIRED OFF?
40
00:02:03,667 --> 00:02:05,634
I WON'T BE A PART
OF ANY FIX-UP.
41
00:02:05,667 --> 00:02:07,868
OKAY, BUT I WAS JUST
IN THE MAYOR'S OFFICE.
42
00:02:07,901 --> 00:02:10,100
THERE'S A COPY OF "MYSTIC PIZZA"
ON HIS DESK.
43
00:02:10,133 --> 00:02:12,200
I KNOW A GIRL NAMED KAREN
WHO'D BE GOOD FOR HIM.
44
00:02:12,234 --> 00:02:14,667
MY NEIGHBOR JUDITH
WOULD BE PERFECT FOR HIM.
45
00:02:14,701 --> 00:02:16,634
SHE'S INTO MUSIC.
SHE WRITES.
46
00:02:16,667 --> 00:02:18,667
SHE EVEN GREW A BEAUTIFUL GARDEN
ON THE ROOF.
47
00:02:18,701 --> 00:02:20,868
IS SHE HOT?
48
00:02:20,901 --> 00:02:24,300
IS THAT ALL MEN CARE ABOUT?
49
00:02:24,334 --> 00:02:27,734
WELL, THE GARDEN THING'S
A CLOSE SECOND.
50
00:02:29,567 --> 00:02:31,467
GIVE HIM HER NUMBER
AND WE'RE DONE.
51
00:02:31,501 --> 00:02:33,901
WE HAVE TO ORCHESTRATE
A SETUP
52
00:02:33,934 --> 00:02:36,968
WHERE HE DOESN'T KNOW
HE'S BEING SET UP.
53
00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:38,868
ISN'T THAT
KIND OF MANIPULATIVE?
54
00:02:38,901 --> 00:02:41,601
WAKE UP, CHARLIE.
THAT'S HOW IT'S DONE.
55
00:02:41,634 --> 00:02:44,133
MAYBE I'M JUST
AN OLD-FASHIONED GUY,
56
00:02:44,167 --> 00:02:46,501
BUT WHATEVER HAPPENED
TO MEETIN' A GIRL AT A BAR,
57
00:02:46,534 --> 00:02:49,300
BUYIN' HER A COUPLE OF DRINKS,
AND GOIN' BACK TO HER PLACE?
58
00:02:51,133 --> 00:02:53,601
IS ROMANCE DEAD?
59
00:02:57,167 --> 00:02:59,434
I AM NOT GOING TO A HOCKEY GAME.
DON'T ASK ME AGAIN.
60
00:02:59,467 --> 00:03:01,801
WHEN YOU NEEDED SOMEONE
TO GO WITH YOU TO THE BALLET,
61
00:03:01,834 --> 00:03:03,801
I WENT.
62
00:03:03,834 --> 00:03:06,000
AND I WAS RESPECTFUL,
JUST LIKE YOU ASKED.
63
00:03:06,033 --> 00:03:07,834
YOU STOOD UP AND YELLED,
64
00:03:07,868 --> 00:03:09,868
"HEY, GET A LOAD
OF THE JUGS ON THAT SWAN!"
65
00:03:09,901 --> 00:03:12,501
I JUST SAID
WHAT EVERYONE WAS THINKIN'.
66
00:03:12,534 --> 00:03:16,000
I GUESS IT WON'T HURT ME
TO GO TO A STUPID HOCKEY GAME.
67
00:03:16,033 --> 00:03:18,067
AH, HOCKEY!
68
00:03:18,100 --> 00:03:20,801
THE SPORT OF MY PEOPLE.
69
00:03:20,834 --> 00:03:22,968
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
70
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:25,467
I JUST FOUND OUT
FROM A GENEALOGIST
71
00:03:25,501 --> 00:03:27,434
THAT I'M 1/8 CANADIAN.
72
00:03:27,467 --> 00:03:30,868
I ALWAYS KNEW MY LINEAGE
HAD EXOTIC FOREIGN STOCK.
73
00:03:30,901 --> 00:03:33,067
1/8 DOESN'T MAKE YOU
CANADIAN.
74
00:03:33,100 --> 00:03:36,467
IT MEANS A DISTANT RELATIVE
HAD SEX WITH A MOUNTIE.
75
00:03:40,634 --> 00:03:42,167
HEY, CAITLIN.
76
00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:43,300
CHARLIE!
77
00:03:43,334 --> 00:03:45,267
WHAT A SURPRISE.
78
00:03:45,300 --> 00:03:48,467
THE LAST PLACE
I'D EXPECT TO SEE YOU IS HERE.
79
00:03:48,501 --> 00:03:51,000
I MEAN, IN ALL
OF NEW YORK CITY --
80
00:03:51,033 --> 00:03:52,834
ENOUGH!
81
00:03:52,868 --> 00:03:54,133
THIS IS JUDITH.
82
00:03:54,167 --> 00:03:55,901
I'M CHARLIE.
83
00:03:55,934 --> 00:03:57,000
I'M RANDALL.
84
00:03:57,033 --> 00:03:59,901
IT'S A PLEASURE.
85
00:03:59,934 --> 00:04:02,167
YES, WELL, NICE MEETING YOU.
86
00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:04,400
SIR, WHY DON'T WE JOIN THEM?
87
00:04:04,434 --> 00:04:06,334
JUDITH IS VERY ATTRACTIVE.
88
00:04:06,367 --> 00:04:10,033
SHE'S GOT THE LOOK
OF A WOMAN WHO'S AVAILABLE.
89
00:04:10,067 --> 00:04:13,968
MY GOD, SON,
YOUR LIBIDO IS FRIGHTENING.
90
00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:16,100
I MEANT FOR YOU.
91
00:04:16,133 --> 00:04:18,067
OH, ALL MY MOVES ARE RUSTY.
92
00:04:18,100 --> 00:04:21,834
IT'S NOT LIKE THE OLD DAYS
WHEN I COULD JUST WINK --
93
00:04:21,868 --> 00:04:24,901
NEXT THING YOU KNOW,
SHE'S IN MY MICROBUS
94
00:04:24,934 --> 00:04:27,667
ON THE WAY
TO A STEPPENWOLF CONCERT.
95
00:04:27,701 --> 00:04:29,501
SIR, YOU ARE THE MAYOR
96
00:04:29,534 --> 00:04:31,968
OF THE MOST IMPORTANT CITY
IN THE FREE WORLD.
97
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:33,868
TRUST ME, CHICKS DIG THAT.
98
00:04:36,601 --> 00:04:38,400
HE'S COMIN' OVER,
99
00:04:38,434 --> 00:04:40,567
BUT I'M NOT SURE
HE'S GOT THE KILLER INSTINCT.
100
00:04:40,601 --> 00:04:43,634
PHONE CALL FOR THE MAYOR.
101
00:04:43,667 --> 00:04:46,767
OF WHAT CITY?
102
00:04:46,801 --> 00:04:48,734
NEW YORK, SIR.
103
00:04:48,767 --> 00:04:50,734
THAT WOULD BE ME.
104
00:04:50,767 --> 00:04:53,534
I'M THE MAYOR OF NEW YORK.
105
00:04:53,567 --> 00:04:55,634
AH, THANK YOU.
106
00:04:55,667 --> 00:04:57,501
UH-HUH.
107
00:04:57,534 --> 00:05:00,434
WELL, I'M UNWILLING TO DECLARE
A STATE OF EMERGENCY.
108
00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:05,467
I'LL CALL YOU WHEN I GET BACK
TO MY MANSION.
109
00:05:05,501 --> 00:05:07,534
[ CELLULAR PHONE BEEPS ]
110
00:05:07,567 --> 00:05:09,367
SO, YOU'RE THE MAYOR.
111
00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:11,634
OH, YOU RECOGNIZE ME.
112
00:05:11,667 --> 00:05:13,267
OF COURSE.
113
00:05:13,300 --> 00:05:15,300
I VOTED FOR YOU...
TWICE.
114
00:05:15,334 --> 00:05:18,000
Warm up the microbus.
115
00:05:20,667 --> 00:05:23,734
KNOCK HIM ON HIS ASS!
116
00:05:23,767 --> 00:05:26,000
COME ON, CARTER.
YOU GOTTA GET INTO IT.
117
00:05:26,033 --> 00:05:27,868
YOU CALL THAT SKATING?
118
00:05:27,901 --> 00:05:31,100
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING --
YOU ARE NO SCOTT HAMILTON!
119
00:05:32,367 --> 00:05:34,234
OKAY, THIS WAS A MISTAKE.
120
00:05:34,267 --> 00:05:36,601
I SHOULD NEVER HAVE MADE YOU
COME TO THIS GAME.
121
00:05:36,634 --> 00:05:38,667
I'M FEELING COMFORTABLE
HERE --
122
00:05:38,701 --> 00:05:40,601
THINK I'M STARTING
TO FIT IN.
123
00:05:40,634 --> 00:05:42,567
[ ORGAN PLAYS
"ROLL OUT THE BARREL" ]
124
00:05:42,601 --> 00:05:44,367
"ROLL OUT THE BARREL!"
125
00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:47,434
* ROLL OUT THE BARREL
126
00:05:47,467 --> 00:05:49,601
* WE'LL HAVE A BARREL OF FUN
127
00:05:49,634 --> 00:05:53,200
* ROLL OUT THE BARREL --
128
00:05:53,234 --> 00:05:55,567
THAT'S GOOD.
SWITCH SEATS WITH ME.
129
00:05:56,367 --> 00:05:58,067
[ BUZZER SOUNDS ]
130
00:05:58,100 --> 00:05:59,901
Announcer: OKAY, FANS,
131
00:05:59,934 --> 00:06:01,901
IT'S TIMETO SELECT A CONTESTANT
132
00:06:01,934 --> 00:06:04,100
FOR NEXT WEEK'SMILLION-DOLLAR SHOT.
133
00:06:04,133 --> 00:06:06,434
SECTION 11...
134
00:06:06,467 --> 00:06:08,501
ROW V...
135
00:06:08,534 --> 00:06:10,534
SEAT 8!
136
00:06:10,567 --> 00:06:12,267
I WON.
137
00:06:12,300 --> 00:06:13,634
I WON!
138
00:06:13,667 --> 00:06:14,701
WHOA!
139
00:06:16,067 --> 00:06:18,634
DID THE MAYOR MENTION
MY SPEECH TO YOU?
140
00:06:18,667 --> 00:06:19,868
NO.
141
00:06:19,901 --> 00:06:21,834
HE HASN'T SAID A WORD
ABOUT IT.
142
00:06:21,868 --> 00:06:23,601
WHY ARE YOU OBSESSING
ABOUT THIS?
143
00:06:23,634 --> 00:06:27,234
I'M JUST WONDERING,
DID HE LIKE IT OR NOT?
144
00:06:28,501 --> 00:06:30,767
YOU KNOW SOMETHING,
DON'T YOU?
145
00:06:30,801 --> 00:06:32,834
DID HE SAY ANYTHING
TO YOU?
146
00:06:32,868 --> 00:06:34,734
HE HATED IT, DIDN'T HE?
147
00:06:34,767 --> 00:06:36,667
TELL ME --
NO, DON'T.
148
00:06:36,701 --> 00:06:38,667
IF IT'S BUGGING YOU
THAT MUCH,
149
00:06:38,701 --> 00:06:41,834
WHY DON'T YOU JUST ASK HIM
WHAT HE THOUGHT?
150
00:06:41,868 --> 00:06:43,934
I WOULD, BUT I'VE BARELY SEEN
THE GUY IN A WEEK.
151
00:06:43,968 --> 00:06:46,267
HE'S SPENDING EVERY MINUTE
WITH JUDITH.
152
00:06:46,300 --> 00:06:49,133
THIS MORNING I RAN INTO HIM
IN MY BUILDING'S LAUNDRY ROOM.
153
00:06:49,167 --> 00:06:51,033
HE WAS IN JUDITH'S KIMONO.
154
00:06:51,067 --> 00:06:53,767
I CAN'T BELIEVE
SHE'S GOT HIM DOING LAUNDRY.
155
00:06:53,801 --> 00:06:57,033
I MEAN,
WHO'S WEARIN' THE PANTS?
156
00:06:57,067 --> 00:06:58,968
FROM WHAT I SAW, NOT HIM.
157
00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:00,501
HEY, EVERYBODY!
158
00:07:00,534 --> 00:07:02,567
GUESS WHAT WE DID
THIS MORNING.
159
00:07:02,601 --> 00:07:05,300
PULLED OFF A JEWEL HEIST?
160
00:07:05,334 --> 00:07:07,400
WE WENT SHOPPING
FOR A NEW WARDROBE.
161
00:07:07,434 --> 00:07:09,734
JU-JU THINKS I FINALLY LOOK
"PLUGGED IN."
162
00:07:09,767 --> 00:07:12,501
OH, I ATE
MY FIRST ORGANIC POTATO.
163
00:07:12,534 --> 00:07:16,934
I CAN ALREADY FEEL THE TOXINS
BEING EXPUNGED FROM MY SYSTEM.
164
00:07:18,334 --> 00:07:20,234
YOU SHOULD TRY ONE,
CHARLIE.
165
00:07:20,267 --> 00:07:23,534
ACTUALLY, I'M KIND OF ATTACHED
TO MY TOXINS.
166
00:07:23,567 --> 00:07:26,200
WE'VE BEEN THROUGH A LOT
TOGETHER.
167
00:07:26,234 --> 00:07:29,767
CHARLIE, I READ SOMETHING THIS
MORNING THAT I LIKED VERY MUCH.
168
00:07:29,801 --> 00:07:31,868
WELL, THAT'S GREAT TO HEAR.
169
00:07:31,901 --> 00:07:35,133
IT WAS AN ARTICLE JU-JU WROTE
FOR THE CHELSEA BU CALLED...
170
00:07:35,167 --> 00:07:37,234
"TOFU AND YOU."
171
00:07:38,300 --> 00:07:40,100
ANYWAY, I'VE GOTTA GO.
172
00:07:40,133 --> 00:07:42,100
I'M LATE
FOR MY RACQUETBALL GAME.
173
00:07:42,133 --> 00:07:44,467
OH, ACTUALLY, RANDALL,
I THOUGHT WE'D GO SEE
174
00:07:44,501 --> 00:07:47,200
THAT NEW EXHIBIT OF
12th-CENTURY ASIAN TAPESTRIES.
175
00:07:47,234 --> 00:07:49,767
CORRECTION -- I'M LATE
FOR MY TAPESTRY THINGY.
176
00:07:52,133 --> 00:07:54,167
DID YOU SEE
THE WAY HE BACKED DOWN?
177
00:07:54,200 --> 00:07:58,400
SHE'S LEADING HIM AROUND
BY HIS...ORGANIC POTATOES.
178
00:08:02,968 --> 00:08:05,300
YOU CAN STARE AT ME
ALL YOU WANT,
179
00:08:05,334 --> 00:08:06,968
BUT IF I MAKE THAT SHOT,
180
00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:09,067
I AM NOT SPLITTING
THE MILLION WITH YOU.
181
00:08:09,100 --> 00:08:10,901
I KNOW.
182
00:08:10,934 --> 00:08:14,234
I KNOW IT WAS YOUR SEAT
TO BEGIN WITH,
183
00:08:14,267 --> 00:08:17,234
BUT WE SWITCHED,
FAIR AND SQUARE.
184
00:08:18,901 --> 00:08:21,100
YES, I AM AWARE
THAT YOU TOOK ME IN
185
00:08:21,133 --> 00:08:23,501
WHEN I WAS KICKED OUT
OF MY APARTMENT.
186
00:08:23,534 --> 00:08:25,400
YES, I AM AWARE
187
00:08:25,434 --> 00:08:27,434
THAT I PROBABLY
WOULDN'T BE ALIVE
188
00:08:27,467 --> 00:08:29,767
IF YOU HADN'T BAILED ME OUT
OF THAT MEXICAN JAIL,
189
00:08:29,801 --> 00:08:33,501
BUT SORRY -- NO DEAL.
190
00:08:34,567 --> 00:08:36,667
FINE! IF I WIN,
YOU GET HALF THE MONEY!
191
00:08:36,701 --> 00:08:38,434
END OF DISCUSSION!
192
00:08:38,467 --> 00:08:40,501
I'M GLAD WE HAD THIS TALK.
193
00:08:40,534 --> 00:08:43,400
HEY, GUYS, I'M BARRY MELROSE
OF ESPN HOCKEY.
194
00:08:43,434 --> 00:08:46,234
I'M HERE TO TAKE SOME PICTURES
WITH STUART BONDEK.
195
00:08:46,267 --> 00:08:48,234
I'M STUART BONDEK.
I'M GLAD TO MEET YOU.
196
00:08:48,267 --> 00:08:50,267
CARTER HEYWOOD --
I GET HALF THE MONEY.
197
00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:52,767
HEY!
198
00:08:52,801 --> 00:08:54,767
BARRY MELROSE --
A FELLOW CANADIAN.
199
00:08:54,801 --> 00:08:56,067
HOW ARE YOU?
200
00:08:56,100 --> 00:08:58,534
PAUL LASSITER
OF THE OTTAWA LASSITERS.
201
00:08:58,567 --> 00:09:01,133
WHAT DO YOU SAY
AFTER THE PHOTO OP
202
00:09:01,167 --> 00:09:04,467
WE DITCH THESE HOSERS
AND PARTY LIKE IT'S BOXING DAY.
203
00:09:04,501 --> 00:09:06,567
SWEET.
204
00:09:06,601 --> 00:09:08,634
CHARLIE,
I READ YOUR SPEECH.
205
00:09:08,667 --> 00:09:11,234
OH, GREAT!
SO, WHAT'D YOU THINK?
206
00:09:11,267 --> 00:09:14,601
WELL, WE THOUGHT PARTS OF IT
WERE VERY INTERESTING.
207
00:09:15,734 --> 00:09:17,300
WE DID?
208
00:09:17,334 --> 00:09:18,634
EXCUSE ME, SIR.
209
00:09:18,667 --> 00:09:21,200
JUDITH IS GONNA OBSERVE
THE MEETING?
210
00:09:21,234 --> 00:09:24,634
NO, THAT WOULD BE AWKWARD.
SHE'S GOING TO PARTICIPATE.
211
00:09:27,934 --> 00:09:30,968
WELL, ISN'T THIS NICE?
212
00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:33,868
HERE'S YOUR SPEECH.
IT JUST NEEDS A FEW TWEAKS.
213
00:09:33,901 --> 00:09:35,767
SIR, YOU CROSSED OUT
214
00:09:35,801 --> 00:09:38,067
NEARLY EVERY SALIENT POINT
IN HERE --
215
00:09:38,100 --> 00:09:40,234
THE CRIME RATES,
PUBLIC EDUCATION,
216
00:09:40,267 --> 00:09:42,033
WELFARE REFORM.
217
00:09:42,067 --> 00:09:44,868
THEY WERE A REAL DOWNER.
218
00:09:44,901 --> 00:09:47,067
SIR, I WORKED VERY HARD
ON THIS SPEECH.
219
00:09:47,100 --> 00:09:50,767
AND IT WAS
A VERY GOOD FIRST DRAFT.
220
00:09:50,801 --> 00:09:52,000
THANK YOU.
221
00:09:52,033 --> 00:09:54,300
WHEN I WAS UP
AT 4:00 A.M. WRITIN' IT,
222
00:09:54,334 --> 00:09:57,534
I WAS HOPIN' FOR A THUMBS UP
FROM THE MAYOR'S GIRLFRIEND.
223
00:10:00,968 --> 00:10:03,300
SIR, CAN I SEE YOU OUTSIDE
FOR A MOMENT?
224
00:10:10,901 --> 00:10:13,200
I'M SORRY, SIR. JUDITH
DOES NOT HAVE THE AUTHORITY
225
00:10:13,234 --> 00:10:15,000
TO CHANGE MY SPEECH.
226
00:10:15,033 --> 00:10:16,968
CHARLIE,
SHE'S AN EXPERIENCED AUTHOR.
227
00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:19,167
IN FACT,
IN ONE OF HER PAST LIVES,
228
00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:21,067
SHE WAS A GREEK PLAYWRIGHT.
229
00:10:21,100 --> 00:10:23,601
WHY DON'T YOU JUST HAVE JU-JU
WRITE THE WHOLE THING?
230
00:10:23,634 --> 00:10:26,968
THAT'S A GREAT IDEA, CHARLIE.
I'LL GO TELL HER THE GOOD NEWS.
231
00:10:31,501 --> 00:10:33,033
OOH, CHARLIE,
232
00:10:33,067 --> 00:10:35,200
I HOPE THIS ISN'T
A BAD TIME,
233
00:10:35,234 --> 00:10:38,033
BUT CAN I HAVE
WAYNE GRETZKY'S BIRTHDAY OFF?
234
00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:44,934
HOW 'BOUT CELINE DION'S?
235
00:10:50,501 --> 00:10:52,968
JUDITH WILL BRING DOWN
OUR ADMINISTRATION
236
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,234
JUST LIKE YOKO
BROUGHT DOWN THE BEATLES.
237
00:10:55,267 --> 00:10:57,234
LOOK, THIS WOMAN
IS NOT A PROBLEM.
238
00:10:57,267 --> 00:10:59,100
THAT'S WHAT RINGO SAID.
239
00:10:59,133 --> 00:11:01,868
NEXT THING YOU KNOW,
HE WAS STARRING IN "CAVEMAN."
240
00:11:01,901 --> 00:11:03,801
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!
241
00:11:03,834 --> 00:11:05,667
JUDITH TOLD THE MAYOR
242
00:11:05,701 --> 00:11:08,234
ABOUT THE EVILS
OF PROCESSED SUGAR,
243
00:11:08,267 --> 00:11:10,501
SO HE REPLACED THE VENDING
MACHINE WITH A JUICER.
244
00:11:10,534 --> 00:11:13,601
FIRST MY SPEECH,
NOW MY SUGAR --
245
00:11:13,634 --> 00:11:15,601
SHE'S TAKING OVER.
246
00:11:15,634 --> 00:11:18,400
SHE MAKES THE MAYOR HAPPY,
AND BESIDES, ISN'T IT POSSIBLE
247
00:11:18,434 --> 00:11:20,367
SHE COULD MAKE
THE SPEECH BETTER?
248
00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:23,234
ANYTHING'S POSSIBLE.
I'M ABOUT TO DRINK A CARROT.
249
00:11:23,267 --> 00:11:26,133
NO, STUART!
YOU'VE GOT TO WANT IT!
250
00:11:26,167 --> 00:11:27,734
CONCENTRATE!
251
00:11:27,767 --> 00:11:30,434
I CAN'T
WITH YOU YAPPIN' AT ME.
252
00:11:30,467 --> 00:11:33,167
HOW ARE YOU GONNA FEEL IN FRONT
OF 20,000 SCREAMING FANS?!
253
00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:34,968
YOU WANNA CRY, TOUGH GUY?
254
00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:38,000
COME ON, TOUGH GUY,
MAMA'S BOY -- SQUIRT A FEW.
255
00:11:38,033 --> 00:11:39,033
CRY!
256
00:11:39,067 --> 00:11:41,167
GET OFF MY BACK.
257
00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:42,834
HEY, HEY, HEY.
258
00:11:42,868 --> 00:11:44,834
WILL YOU HOSERS KEEP IT DOWN?
259
00:11:44,868 --> 00:11:47,767
I'M NURSIN'
A MAJOR HANGOVER, EH.
260
00:11:47,801 --> 00:11:49,901
PAUL, GIVE IT A REST.
YOU'RE NOT CANADIAN.
261
00:11:49,934 --> 00:11:52,767
WE'RE SICK OF HEARING
ABOUT BACK BACON, FUR TRAPPING,
262
00:11:52,801 --> 00:11:55,300
AND THE COMIC GENIUS
OF HOWIE MANDEL.
263
00:11:55,334 --> 00:11:57,167
YOU GUYS ARE JEALOUS.
264
00:11:57,200 --> 00:12:00,033
THAT'S WHAT THIS
IS ALL ABOOT.
[about]
265
00:12:02,167 --> 00:12:04,367
A MILLION DOLLARS
AT STAKE.
266
00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:06,133
YOU COULD TRAVEL.
267
00:12:06,167 --> 00:12:08,067
YOU'LL BE
FINANCIALLY SECURE.
268
00:12:08,100 --> 00:12:10,167
BABES LOVE RICH GUYS.
269
00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:12,067
HEY, IT WORKED.
270
00:12:12,100 --> 00:12:13,334
ANGIE...
271
00:12:13,367 --> 00:12:15,801
YOU'RE NOT RICH YET.
272
00:12:15,834 --> 00:12:17,801
SIR, CAN I TALK
TO YOU FOR A MINUTE?
273
00:12:17,834 --> 00:12:19,000
ABSOLUTELY.
274
00:12:19,033 --> 00:12:20,334
IN PRIVATE.
275
00:12:20,367 --> 00:12:21,801
RIGHT.
276
00:12:29,934 --> 00:12:31,934
OH, JUDITH,
I MEANT TO TELL YOU,
277
00:12:31,968 --> 00:12:34,133
SOMEBODY JAMMED A PORKCHOP
IN THE JUICER.
278
00:12:34,167 --> 00:12:35,968
OH, NO.
279
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:38,234
IT WAS PROBABLY
THAT BIG CANADIAN GUY.
280
00:12:38,267 --> 00:12:41,067
WAY TO KEEP AN EYE OUT,
CHARLIE.
281
00:12:41,100 --> 00:12:43,567
SIR, JUDITH'S BEEN AROUND
THE OFFICE AN AWFUL LOT,
282
00:12:43,601 --> 00:12:45,567
AND IT'S MAKIN' ME
UNCOMFORTABLE.
283
00:12:45,601 --> 00:12:47,501
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
YOU DON'T LIKE HER?
284
00:12:47,534 --> 00:12:49,567
NO, NO.
JUDITH'S GREAT.
285
00:12:49,601 --> 00:12:52,467
SHE'S BY FAR
MY FAVORITE EXTRANEOUS PERSON
286
00:12:52,501 --> 00:12:54,868
I'D RATHER NOT HAVE AROUND.
287
00:12:54,901 --> 00:12:57,601
SIR, JUDITH IS NOT QUALIFIED
TO ADVISE YOU ON POLICY,
288
00:12:57,634 --> 00:12:59,934
AND SHE HAS NO BUSINESS
WRITING THAT SPEECH.
289
00:12:59,968 --> 00:13:02,100
YOU'RE QUESTIONING
MY PROFESSIONALISM.
290
00:13:02,133 --> 00:13:04,100
YOU'RE UNDERMINING
MY AUTHORITY.
291
00:13:04,133 --> 00:13:06,534
NOT TO MENTION,
YOU'RE BAD TALKIN' MY LADY.
292
00:13:08,033 --> 00:13:09,701
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
293
00:13:09,734 --> 00:13:11,701
JUDITH GETS UPSET
WHEN I KEEP HER WAITING.
294
00:13:11,734 --> 00:13:13,834
OH, MY GOD.
YOU ARE SO...
295
00:13:13,868 --> 00:13:15,834
I'M SO WHAT?
WHAT AM I?
296
00:13:15,868 --> 00:13:17,367
NOTHING.
297
00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:19,400
NO, COME ON, TOUGH GUY.
SPIT IT OUT, HUH?
298
00:13:19,434 --> 00:13:21,133
I'M SO...
299
00:13:21,167 --> 00:13:22,300
WHIPPED.
300
00:13:26,868 --> 00:13:29,467
YOU ARE WHIPPED!
301
00:13:29,501 --> 00:13:32,567
JUDITH AND I
MAY BE A MODERN COUPLE,
302
00:13:32,601 --> 00:13:36,100
BUT TRUST ME,
I'M STILL WEARING THE PANTS.
303
00:13:47,701 --> 00:13:49,133
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
304
00:13:49,167 --> 00:13:52,868
PLEASE DIRECT YOUR ATTENTIONTO CENTER ICE,
305
00:13:52,901 --> 00:13:54,901
WHERE STUART BONDEKWILL BE TAKING
306
00:13:54,934 --> 00:13:56,734
ESPN's MILLION-DOLLAR SHOT.
307
00:13:56,767 --> 00:13:58,234
[ CHEERING ]
308
00:14:04,467 --> 00:14:06,567
WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' HERE?
309
00:14:06,601 --> 00:14:09,234
I'M HIS COACH.
HE NEEDS ME.
310
00:14:09,267 --> 00:14:11,901
DON'T AIM.
YOU ALWAYS MISS WHEN YOU AIM.
311
00:14:11,934 --> 00:14:13,300
I KNOW.
312
00:14:13,334 --> 00:14:14,767
REMEMBER...
313
00:14:14,801 --> 00:14:16,434
POWER THROUGH.
314
00:14:16,467 --> 00:14:18,634
YOU'RE MAKIN' IT HARDER.
315
00:14:18,667 --> 00:14:21,434
A MILLION DOLLARS.
316
00:14:21,467 --> 00:14:23,367
DON'T OVERTHINK IT.
RELAX.
317
00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:24,667
DON'T TOUCH ME!
318
00:14:24,701 --> 00:14:26,267
DON'T SHOVE ME.
319
00:14:26,300 --> 00:14:27,634
[ CHEERING ]
320
00:14:40,534 --> 00:14:43,801
LET THEM GO!
LET THEM GO!
LET THEM GO!
321
00:14:54,701 --> 00:14:55,801
AAH!
322
00:14:55,834 --> 00:14:56,968
AAAH!
323
00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:02,734
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
324
00:15:02,767 --> 00:15:04,667
IT IS AN HONOR TO PRESENT
325
00:15:04,701 --> 00:15:07,901
THE MAYOR OF NEW YORK,
RANDALL WINSTON.
326
00:15:07,934 --> 00:15:09,434
[ APPLAUSE ]
327
00:15:09,467 --> 00:15:11,801
MESDAMES ET MESSIEURS,
328
00:15:11,834 --> 00:15:14,601
C'EST UN HONNEUR POUR PR�SENTER
329
00:15:14,634 --> 00:15:19,767
LE MAIRE DU NEW YORK,RANDALL WINSTON.
330
00:15:25,100 --> 00:15:26,367
You need help.
331
00:15:28,334 --> 00:15:31,901
MY ADMINISTRATION HAS OVERSEEN
A TIME OF TREMENDOUS PROSPERITY
332
00:15:31,934 --> 00:15:34,200
FOR THE CITIZENS
OF THIS GREAT CITY.
333
00:15:35,534 --> 00:15:38,767
BUT PROSPERITY
CAN'T SIMPLY BE MEASURED
334
00:15:38,801 --> 00:15:42,000
IN TERMS OF ECONOMIC GROWTH
AND FINANCIAL SECURITY.
335
00:15:42,033 --> 00:15:46,267
THERE'S PEACE, LOVE,
AND HARMONIC BLISS.
336
00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:51,167
LET'S TRY AN EXERCISE.
337
00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:53,367
TAKE THE HAND OF THE PERSON
ON THE SIDE OF YOU.
338
00:15:54,767 --> 00:15:57,033
COME ON, DON'T BE SHY.
[ LAUGHS ]
339
00:16:04,133 --> 00:16:06,667
WELL, I THINK
THIS IS AS GOOD A TIME AS ANY
340
00:16:06,701 --> 00:16:08,567
TO DO OUR BIG CASH GIVEAWAY.
341
00:16:08,601 --> 00:16:11,567
TAPED BENEATH THE SEAT
OF ONE OF YOU LUCKY PEOPLE
342
00:16:11,601 --> 00:16:13,734
IS A CRISP $100 BILL.
343
00:16:15,067 --> 00:16:17,767
Charlie, help me!
344
00:16:17,801 --> 00:16:20,501
I GOTTA GET
THE ORIGINAL SPEECH.
345
00:16:20,534 --> 00:16:23,033
PAUL, GO OUT TO THE LIMO
AND GET MY BRIEFCASE.
346
00:16:23,067 --> 00:16:25,567
I'M NOT GOIN' OUT THERE.
IT'S ONLY 5 DEGREES CELSIUS.
347
00:16:25,601 --> 00:16:28,400
PAUL, YOU ARE ABOOT
TO GET YOUR ASS KICKED.
348
00:16:28,434 --> 00:16:31,033
CAN I TYPE DIRECTLY ONTO
THE TELEPROMPTER?
349
00:16:31,067 --> 00:16:34,267
SURE.
350
00:16:34,300 --> 00:16:35,968
MO...
351
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:37,968
MOVI...
352
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:40,667
MOVI...ING.
353
00:16:40,701 --> 00:16:43,133
MOVING!
MOVING ON...
354
00:16:43,167 --> 00:16:46,901
YOU'RE TYPING TOO SLOW.
LET ME TYPE.
355
00:16:46,934 --> 00:16:48,067
OKAY.
356
00:16:48,100 --> 00:16:49,901
I HAVE TO APOLOGIZE.
357
00:16:49,934 --> 00:16:51,667
WE'VE HAD SOME...
358
00:16:51,701 --> 00:16:53,200
TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.
359
00:16:53,234 --> 00:16:58,167
MAN, I REALLY HAVE TO TAKE
A WHIZ.
360
00:17:01,667 --> 00:17:03,667
YOU TYPED THAT?
361
00:17:03,701 --> 00:17:05,701
THAT WAS FOR YOU,
NOT HIM.
362
00:17:05,734 --> 00:17:07,467
WHY WOULD I WANNA KNOW THAT?
363
00:17:07,501 --> 00:17:10,868
Paul: HERE'S THE DISK.
364
00:17:10,901 --> 00:17:12,334
...OTHER CITY THINGS --
365
00:17:12,367 --> 00:17:14,834
CRIME, CRIME RATE.
366
00:17:14,868 --> 00:17:16,968
GRANTED, THE CRIME RATE IS UP,
367
00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:20,167
"BUT [CHUCKLES] WHAT GOES UP
MUST COME DOWN.
368
00:17:22,033 --> 00:17:25,133
"SPINNING WHEEL
GOTTA SPIN ROUND.
369
00:17:27,501 --> 00:17:31,200
"TALK ABOUT YOUR TROUBLES.
IT'S A CRYIN' SIN.
370
00:17:31,234 --> 00:17:34,167
RIDE A PAINTED PONY..."
371
00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:35,567
OH, THANK GOD.
372
00:17:35,601 --> 00:17:37,100
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
373
00:17:37,133 --> 00:17:39,133
WE LIVE IN AN AGE
OF OPPORTUNITY.
374
00:17:41,534 --> 00:17:43,968
WELL, YOU BLEW OUR CHANCE
AT A MILLION BUCKS.
375
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:46,434
HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.
376
00:17:46,467 --> 00:17:49,968
LOOK, I TOLD YOU
IN ARENA JAIL
377
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:53,567
THAT I'M SORRY.
378
00:17:53,601 --> 00:17:55,701
I GOT CARRIED AWAY.
379
00:17:55,734 --> 00:17:57,934
DO YOU KNOW
WHAT I COULD HAVE DONE
380
00:17:57,968 --> 00:17:59,968
WITH A HALF
A MILLION DOLLARS?
381
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:03,434
I COULD HAVE FINALLY PRODUCED
MY INDEPENDENT FILM.
382
00:18:03,467 --> 00:18:07,133
AH, YES --
"MISSIONARY: IMPOSSIBLE."
383
00:18:08,834 --> 00:18:10,934
LOOK, WHEN YOU STOP
TO THINK ABOUT IT,
384
00:18:10,968 --> 00:18:12,801
WE'RE BOTH RESPONSIBLE.
385
00:18:12,834 --> 00:18:14,634
IT'S BOTH OUR FAULTS.
386
00:18:14,667 --> 00:18:16,567
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
387
00:18:16,601 --> 00:18:20,367
I MEAN, YOU'RE AN OVERBEARING,
ANNOYING CONTROL FREAK,
388
00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:24,033
AND I HANG OUT WITH YOU.
389
00:18:24,067 --> 00:18:26,000
HOW COOL WAS IT
390
00:18:26,033 --> 00:18:28,968
TO HAVE 18,000 PEOPLE
SINGIN' THAT SONG TO US, HUH?
391
00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:30,801
* NA NA NA NA
392
00:18:30,834 --> 00:18:32,834
* NA NA NA NA
393
00:18:32,868 --> 00:18:36,701
* HEY HEY-EY, GOODBYE
394
00:18:36,734 --> 00:18:38,601
* NA NA NA NA
395
00:18:38,634 --> 00:18:40,400
* NA NA NA NA --
396
00:18:40,434 --> 00:18:42,934
WE'RE DONE WITH THAT.
397
00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:47,501
WELL, I, FOR ONE,
LEARNED A LITTLE LESSON
398
00:18:47,534 --> 00:18:49,334
ABOUT GREED TONIGHT.
399
00:18:49,367 --> 00:18:52,000
TO THINK, I ALMOST LET MONEY
DESTROY OUR FRIENDSHIP.
400
00:18:52,033 --> 00:18:55,467
HMM.
401
00:18:55,501 --> 00:18:57,734
DAMN YOU.
402
00:18:57,767 --> 00:19:00,167
I COULD HAVE BOUGHT
A LOUIS VUITTON TRAVEL TRUNK!
403
00:19:04,167 --> 00:19:07,167
OKAY. THANK YOU.
404
00:19:08,334 --> 00:19:09,467
WELL...
405
00:19:09,501 --> 00:19:11,267
THE TIMES LOVED THE SPEECH.
406
00:19:11,300 --> 00:19:13,601
THEY'RE RUNNIN'
A FULL TRANSCRIPT.
407
00:19:13,634 --> 00:19:15,567
OH, AND IF ANYONE ASKS,
408
00:19:15,601 --> 00:19:18,434
YOUR NEW ANTICRIME PROGRAM
IS CODE NAME "PAINTED PONY."
409
00:19:18,467 --> 00:19:20,801
I, UH, I WANNA APOLOGIZE.
410
00:19:20,834 --> 00:19:23,667
DEEP DOWN, I KNEW
THAT SPEECH WASN'T RIGHT.
411
00:19:23,701 --> 00:19:26,634
I GUESS I WAS AFRAID
THAT IF I TOLD JUDITH
412
00:19:26,667 --> 00:19:29,167
SHE WOULDN'T WANNA SEE ME
ANYMORE.
413
00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:31,501
SHE'S CRAZY ABOUT YOU.
414
00:19:31,534 --> 00:19:33,667
YOU'RE SMART, FUNNY.
415
00:19:33,701 --> 00:19:37,200
FROM WHAT CAITLIN SAYS,
YOU LOOK GREAT IN A KIMONO.
416
00:19:37,234 --> 00:19:40,701
IT'S ALL IN THE GENES,
CHARLIE.
417
00:19:40,734 --> 00:19:44,634
MY GRANDFATHER,
GOD REST HIS SOUL --
418
00:19:44,667 --> 00:19:49,667
84 YEARS OLD --
HAD AN ASS LIKE A MARBLE STATUE.
419
00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:54,734
YOU KNOW
WHAT HIS NICKNAME WAS?
420
00:19:54,767 --> 00:19:57,701
"OLD MARBLE ASS"?
421
00:19:57,734 --> 00:20:00,601
OH, I'VE TOLD YOU
THIS STORY.
422
00:20:00,634 --> 00:20:02,767
YOU DESERVE
TO BE WITH A WOMAN
423
00:20:02,801 --> 00:20:05,033
WHO ACCEPTS YOU
FOR WHO YOU ARE.
424
00:20:05,067 --> 00:20:07,901
REMEMBER, RELATIONSHIPS
ARE GIVE-AND-TAKE.
425
00:20:07,934 --> 00:20:11,000
THEY AREN'T JUST ABOUT THE NEEDS
OF ONE PERSON.
426
00:20:11,033 --> 00:20:13,033
WELL, THAT'S
VERY PERCEPTIVE, CHARLIE.
427
00:20:13,067 --> 00:20:15,000
I HAD NO IDEA
YOU WERE SO DEEP.
428
00:20:15,033 --> 00:20:17,934
I'M NOT. I JUST REMEMBER
WHAT WOMEN SCREAMED AT ME
429
00:20:17,968 --> 00:20:19,868
DURING THE BREAKUPS.
430
00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:23,634
OH, RANDALL, THANK GOODNESS.
431
00:20:23,667 --> 00:20:27,868
THAT NEOCLASSICAL GERMAN
ART EXHIBIT STARTS AT 9:30,
432
00:20:27,901 --> 00:20:29,934
AND WE ARE GONNA BE LATE.
433
00:20:29,968 --> 00:20:33,200
JUDITH, THERE'S ONLY ONE THING
I HATE MORE THAN GERMAN ART.
434
00:20:33,234 --> 00:20:35,234
IT'S NEOCLASSICAL
GERMAN ART.
435
00:20:37,167 --> 00:20:39,400
I'M ABSOLUTELY,
POSITIVELY NOT GOING.
436
00:20:39,434 --> 00:20:41,968
WHATEVER YOU WANT.
I WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY.
437
00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:44,601
IT'S JUST, HE'S ONE
OF MY FAVORITE ARTISTS.
438
00:20:44,634 --> 00:20:47,968
OKAY, WE'LL GO...
BUT NOT AT 9:30.
439
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:50,000
WE'RE GOING AT 10:00.
440
00:20:52,701 --> 00:20:54,400
WHO'S THE MAN?
441
00:20:59,767 --> 00:21:02,033
WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF THEY
GREW OLD TOGETHER?
442
00:21:02,067 --> 00:21:04,100
IF THERE'S ANYTHING
TO GENETICS,
443
00:21:04,133 --> 00:21:07,567
SHE'LL HAVE A MARBLE ASS
TO LOOK FORWARD TO.
444
00:21:07,601 --> 00:21:09,868
THE MAYOR AND I
ARE GETTIN' WAY TOO CLOSE.
445
00:21:09,901 --> 00:21:13,601
WELL, THE GOOD NEWS IS WE'RE
FREE TO DO WHATEVER WE WANT.
446
00:21:13,634 --> 00:21:15,434
GOT ANY PLANS TONIGHT?
447
00:21:15,467 --> 00:21:16,634
NOTHING. YOU?
448
00:21:16,667 --> 00:21:18,467
NOTHIN'.
449
00:21:19,834 --> 00:21:22,801
YOU WANNA GO
TO THE MAYOR'S OFFICE
450
00:21:22,834 --> 00:21:24,868
AND WATCH "MYSTIC PIZZA"?
451
00:21:24,901 --> 00:21:27,133
THAT'S A CHICK MOVIE.
YOU KNOW THAT.
452
00:21:27,167 --> 00:21:29,634
THAT'S WHY I GOT THE BEERS.
453
00:21:29,667 --> 00:21:32,300
- [MAN] SIT, UBU. GOOD DOG.
- [UBU BARKS]
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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