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1
00:00:00,968 --> 00:00:04,868
THE CHRISTMAS CARD
WE'LL BE GIVING THE MAYOR.
2
00:00:06,968 --> 00:00:09,767
"HOWDY, COWPOKE,
YOU'RE 7"?
3
00:00:09,801 --> 00:00:12,968
YOU WAIT TILL CHRISTMAS EVE,
IT'S SLIM PICKIN'S.
4
00:00:13,000 --> 00:00:15,667
BUT I AM GOING TO WRITE
THE BEST MESSAGE
5
00:00:15,701 --> 00:00:17,033
SO THAT THIS YEAR
6
00:00:17,067 --> 00:00:20,968
THE MAYOR GIVES
ME
THE OLD "PAT AND SQUEEZE."
7
00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:24,767
UH, PAUL WE TALKED ABOUT
GOOD TOUCHING AND BAD TOUCHING.
8
00:00:26,334 --> 00:00:29,167
THIS IS BAD.
9
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:31,801
DID YOU SET UP THE MAYOR'S
HOLIDAY PRESS APPEARANCE?
10
00:00:31,834 --> 00:00:34,000
HE'LL BE AT THE U.N.
SINGING CAROLS
11
00:00:34,033 --> 00:00:36,634
WITH CHILDREN
FROM 50 DIFFERENT COUNTRIES.
12
00:00:36,667 --> 00:00:39,200
YOU'RE FLYING KIDS IN
FROM ALL AROUND THE WORLD?
13
00:00:39,234 --> 00:00:41,767
NO, I'M USING A FIRST-GRADE
CLASS FROM BROOKLYN.
14
00:00:43,601 --> 00:00:46,067
HERE YOU GO, PAUL.
15
00:00:46,100 --> 00:00:47,400
[ CHUCKLES ]
16
00:00:47,434 --> 00:00:49,934
"MAY YOUR CHRISTMAS
BE A HAPPY ONE."
17
00:00:49,968 --> 00:00:53,367
OH, HE WROTE "MAYOR"...
INSTEAD OF "MAY YOUR."
18
00:00:54,501 --> 00:00:57,133
WE'RE GOING FUNNY THIS YEAR?
19
00:00:57,167 --> 00:00:58,667
IT'S NOT THAT FUNNY.
20
00:00:58,701 --> 00:01:00,534
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
IT'S HUGE!
21
00:01:00,567 --> 00:01:02,033
IT'S A PUN!
22
00:01:02,067 --> 00:01:05,667
IT DOESN'T GET
ANY FUNNIER THAN THIS!
23
00:01:05,701 --> 00:01:09,367
CHARLIE, THERE'S A PICTURE
OF YOU IN TODAY'S PAPER
24
00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:11,567
AT A BLACK-TIE DINNER.
25
00:01:11,601 --> 00:01:13,667
WHY WASN'T I INVITED?
26
00:01:13,701 --> 00:01:15,000
YOU WERE INVITED, SIR,
27
00:01:15,033 --> 00:01:17,601
BUT YOU TOLD ME NOT TO BOTHER
YOU WITH STUFF LIKE THIS.
28
00:01:17,634 --> 00:01:19,801
AND YOU KNOW YOUR RULE
ABOUT SOCIAL EVENTS --
29
00:01:19,834 --> 00:01:21,300
NO MODELS, NO MAYOR.
30
00:01:21,334 --> 00:01:24,167
FROM NOW ON,
I WANT TO BE KEPT UP-TO-DATE,
31
00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:27,167
EVEN ABOUT THINGS
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT.
32
00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:30,834
IF I'M NOT INTERESTED IN IT...
I'D BETTER HEAR ABOUT IT.
33
00:01:33,234 --> 00:01:34,534
DON'T WORRY, PAL.
34
00:01:34,567 --> 00:01:37,467
MAYOR ALWAYS GETS A LITTLE WEIRD
AROUND THE HOLIDAYS.
35
00:01:37,501 --> 00:01:40,801
BAD.
36
00:02:06,934 --> 00:02:09,467
THE CHRISTMAS PRESS CONFERENCE
IS MY FAVORITE.
37
00:02:09,501 --> 00:02:11,868
SAYING "HAPPY HOLIDAYS"
TO THE ENTIRE CITY --
38
00:02:11,901 --> 00:02:13,934
THAT'S WHAT BEING MAYOR
IS ALL ABOUT.
39
00:02:13,968 --> 00:02:15,434
WHAT ABOUT THE FREE MANSION
40
00:02:15,467 --> 00:02:17,400
AND RUNNING RED LIGHTS
IN THE LIMO?
41
00:02:17,434 --> 00:02:18,868
ON ANY OTHER DAY, YES.
42
00:02:18,901 --> 00:02:21,033
BUT TODAY,
IT'S ALL ABOUT CHRISTMAS.
43
00:02:21,067 --> 00:02:22,701
OH, LOOK,
BEFORE I GO IN THERE,
44
00:02:22,734 --> 00:02:26,100
IS THERE ANYTHING I DON'T WANT
TO KNOW THAT YOU SHOULD TELL ME?
45
00:02:26,133 --> 00:02:29,901
I'D SHY AWAY FROM THAT RUDOLPH
JOKE YOU'VE BEEN TELLING.
46
00:02:29,934 --> 00:02:32,734
IT MIGHT BE OFFENSIVE
TO WOMEN...AND MEN...
47
00:02:32,767 --> 00:02:34,501
AND REINDEER.
48
00:02:34,534 --> 00:02:36,334
...AND THEN RUDOLPH SAYS,
49
00:02:36,367 --> 00:02:39,300
"HEY, THAT'S NOT THE ONLY THING
THAT GLOWS."
50
00:02:39,334 --> 00:02:41,033
[ GROANING ]
51
00:02:41,067 --> 00:02:43,501
OKAY, UH, UH, HERE --
HERE'S THE MAYOR.
52
00:02:43,534 --> 00:02:45,968
SIR, COULD YOU GIVE US
ANY INFORMATION
53
00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:47,801
ABOUT THE SHIPMENT OF TOYS
54
00:02:47,834 --> 00:02:50,100
THAT WAS CONFISCATED
THIS MORNING?
55
00:02:50,133 --> 00:02:53,100
I HAVEN'T BEEN BRIEFED
ON THAT ONE.
56
00:02:53,133 --> 00:02:56,100
UH, THE CONFISCATED TOYS
WERE ILLEGAL KNOCKOFFS
57
00:02:56,133 --> 00:02:57,801
SMUGGLED IN FROM OVERSEAS.
58
00:02:57,834 --> 00:03:00,334
REST ASSURED THAT SANTA
IS NOT A SUSPECT,
59
00:03:00,367 --> 00:03:04,868
ALTHOUGH WE ARE QUESTIONING
SEVERAL DISGRUNTLED ELVES.
60
00:03:04,901 --> 00:03:07,434
You should be good from here.
Sorry about that.
61
00:03:07,467 --> 00:03:08,601
WHERE WERE THE TOYS SEIZED?
62
00:03:08,634 --> 00:03:11,534
KENNEDY...AIRPORT.
63
00:03:11,567 --> 00:03:13,801
Again, sorry.
64
00:03:13,834 --> 00:03:15,200
WHAT KIND OF TOYS
WERE THEY?
65
00:03:15,234 --> 00:03:17,868
I GOT THIS ONE.
66
00:03:17,901 --> 00:03:22,234
SO...RUDOLPH AND MRS. CLAUS
ARE IN A HOT TUB.
67
00:03:23,601 --> 00:03:26,067
HEY, ANGIE, LET ME ASK YOU
A QUESTION --
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00:03:26,100 --> 00:03:28,300
EVER DO ANY VOLUNTEER WORK
OVER THE HOLIDAYS?
69
00:03:28,334 --> 00:03:31,901
TAKE A LOOK AT MY PAYCHECKS --
THIS
IS VOLUNTEER WORK.
70
00:03:31,934 --> 00:03:33,400
WATCH IT, CAITLIN.
71
00:03:33,434 --> 00:03:35,334
CARTER'S GONNA TRY
TO ROPE YOU IN
72
00:03:35,367 --> 00:03:37,667
TO HELPING OUT
AT THE OLD FOGIES' HOME.
73
00:03:37,701 --> 00:03:40,567
STUART WAS BANNED FROM
THE NURSING HOME LAST CHRISTMAS.
74
00:03:40,601 --> 00:03:43,734
I TOLD THEM ALL
I WAS THEIR GRANDSON.
75
00:03:45,033 --> 00:03:48,434
I MADE OVER $400.
76
00:03:48,467 --> 00:03:50,567
CARTER,
I WOULD LOVE TO HELP,
77
00:03:50,601 --> 00:03:53,467
BUT EVERY YEAR
I MAKE SOME NICE DONATIONS.
78
00:03:53,501 --> 00:03:55,100
THAT'S HOW I HANDLE CHARITY.
79
00:03:55,133 --> 00:03:56,734
CAITLIN, CAITLIN, CAITLIN...
80
00:03:56,767 --> 00:03:58,601
Here we go.
81
00:03:58,634 --> 00:04:01,634
CAITLIN, IF YOU WANT TO BE
CHARITABLE DURING THE HOLIDAYS,
82
00:04:01,667 --> 00:04:03,267
GIVE YOUR TIME.
83
00:04:03,300 --> 00:04:06,501
THAT'S A FAR MORE VALUABLE GIFT
THAN MONEY OR MATERIAL THINGS.
84
00:04:06,534 --> 00:04:09,167
SO YOU DON'T WANT
THE LEATHER JACKET I GOT YOU?
85
00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:13,868
THOUGH LEATHER'S
A DIFFERENT STORY.
86
00:04:13,901 --> 00:04:15,534
1,000 HOLIDAY JOKES,
87
00:04:15,567 --> 00:04:18,300
NOT ONE THAT WILL WORK
FOR THE MAYOR'S CARD.
88
00:04:18,334 --> 00:04:21,400
NO, NO, NO.
[ CHUCKLES ]
89
00:04:21,434 --> 00:04:24,200
[ LAUGHING ]
90
00:04:24,234 --> 00:04:26,534
"YULE LOG."
91
00:04:26,567 --> 00:04:30,100
PAUL, YOU DON'T NEED A JOKE
TO GET APPROVAL FROM THE MAYOR.
92
00:04:30,133 --> 00:04:32,701
YOU HAVE SO MANY OTHER QUALITIES
THAT HE ADMIRES.
93
00:04:32,734 --> 00:04:34,767
LIKE WHAT?
94
00:04:36,767 --> 00:04:39,067
I'D GO WITH "YULE LOG."
95
00:04:39,100 --> 00:04:41,334
ALL RIGHT,
LET'S GET THE MEETING STARTED.
96
00:04:41,367 --> 00:04:43,167
I JUST GOT WORD
THAT TOMORROW --
97
00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:45,000
HEY, GUYS,
SORRY I'M LATE.
98
00:04:45,033 --> 00:04:48,300
SIR, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
THIS IS JUST A STAFF MEETING.
99
00:04:48,334 --> 00:04:51,033
WELL, I THOUGHT
IT MIGHT BOOST MORALE
100
00:04:51,067 --> 00:04:53,667
IF I HUNG OUT
WITH YOU DESK JOCKEYS.
101
00:04:53,701 --> 00:04:56,534
I'M ALREADY INSPIRED.
102
00:04:56,567 --> 00:04:59,767
BESIDES, THIS WAY I'M ASSURED
TO BE...IN THE LOOP.
103
00:04:59,801 --> 00:05:02,534
DON'T WORRY, CHARLIE.
IT'S STILL YOUR MEETING.
104
00:05:02,567 --> 00:05:03,534
OKAY.
105
00:05:03,567 --> 00:05:05,567
WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE...
106
00:05:09,300 --> 00:05:12,167
...THE CHRISTMAS PHOTO OP
AT THE U.N. HAS FALLEN THROUGH,
107
00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:14,400
SO WE'VE GOT TO COME UP
WITH A NEW IDEA.
108
00:05:14,434 --> 00:05:18,834
WE'RE IN CRISIS MODE, PEOPLE!
IT'S TIME TO JUMP INTO ACTION!
109
00:05:18,868 --> 00:05:20,868
PAUL, MAKE A POT OF COFFEE!
110
00:05:20,901 --> 00:05:22,300
STUART...
111
00:05:22,334 --> 00:05:24,000
PREPARE FOR COFFEE!
112
00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:33,167
SIR, I APPLAUD YOUR INSTINCTS
TO GET PAUL OUT OF THE ROOM,
113
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:36,334
BUT I'VE GOT THE SITUATION
UNDER CONTROL.
114
00:05:36,367 --> 00:05:38,400
WELL, HERE'S MY IDEA --
115
00:05:38,434 --> 00:05:40,901
WE DO AN EVENT
IN CENTRAL PARK --
116
00:05:40,934 --> 00:05:43,434
ME, REINDEER --
THE WHOLE SHEBANG.
117
00:05:43,467 --> 00:05:46,567
WE CAN'T GET ENOUGH SECURITY
ON SUCH SHORT NOTICE.
118
00:05:46,601 --> 00:05:50,033
WELL, HOW ABOUT SKATING
IN ROCKEFELLER CENTER --
119
00:05:50,067 --> 00:05:52,667
ME, REINDEER --
THE WHOLE SHEBANG.
120
00:05:52,701 --> 00:05:54,767
WELL, I LIKE
THE "SHEBANG" AREA,
121
00:05:54,801 --> 00:05:57,234
BUT ROCKEFELLER CENTER'S
ALREADY BOOKED.
122
00:05:57,267 --> 00:05:59,934
I SEE. I COME IN
WITH A COUPLE HOME-RUN IDEAS,
123
00:05:59,968 --> 00:06:03,167
AND YOU SHOOT THEM DOWN
BECAUSE YOU'RE THREATENED BY ME!
124
00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:04,501
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
125
00:06:04,534 --> 00:06:06,767
WHOA! CALM DOWN.
126
00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:12,734
[ Laughing ]
IT'S NOT YOU AGAINST ME.
127
00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:15,400
PAUL, GRAB STUART.
128
00:06:15,434 --> 00:06:18,067
WE'RE STARTING A SPLINTER GROUP
IN MY OFFICE.
129
00:06:18,100 --> 00:06:20,601
IT'S US AGAINST CHARLIE.
130
00:06:24,033 --> 00:06:26,767
SEE HOW REWARDING
CHARITY WORK CAN BE?
131
00:06:26,801 --> 00:06:30,133
WRITING CHECKS NEVER CAUSED
MY HANDS TO PRUNE UP.
132
00:06:30,167 --> 00:06:31,634
MAYBE WE SHOULD BE
133
00:06:31,667 --> 00:06:34,501
A LITTLE MORE CONCERNED
WITH HELPING PEOPLE
134
00:06:34,534 --> 00:06:37,868
AND A LITTLE LESS CONCERNED
WITH SKIN CARE, HMM?
135
00:06:45,734 --> 00:06:48,200
DO YOU
REALLY
ENJOY
DOING THIS?
136
00:06:48,234 --> 00:06:49,734
OF COURSE!
137
00:06:49,767 --> 00:06:52,467
THAT'S WHY I'VE COME BACK HERE
OVER THE LAST FIVE YEARS.
138
00:06:52,501 --> 00:06:54,133
YOU'LL START
TO ENJOY IT, TOO.
139
00:06:54,167 --> 00:06:56,834
THE HARDER THE JOB, THE MORE
REWARDING THE EXPERIENCE.
140
00:06:56,868 --> 00:06:59,033
HEY, I NEED SOMEONE
TO SHOVEL THE WALK
141
00:06:59,067 --> 00:07:00,834
AND SOMEONE
TO PLAY CHECKERS.
142
00:07:00,868 --> 00:07:04,534
I'LL TAKE CHECKERS.
143
00:07:04,567 --> 00:07:07,334
GENTLEMEN,
THIS IS THE SPLINTER GROUP.
144
00:07:07,367 --> 00:07:10,100
FIRST RULE OF SPLINTER GROUP --
145
00:07:10,133 --> 00:07:13,801
YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT...
SPLINTER GROUP.
146
00:07:15,100 --> 00:07:16,234
NOW...
147
00:07:16,267 --> 00:07:19,634
A CHRISTMAS PHOTO OP --
WE NEED IDEAS.
148
00:07:19,667 --> 00:07:21,634
[ SIGHS ]
PAUL, WHAT DO YOU GOT?
149
00:07:21,667 --> 00:07:22,801
NOTHIN'.
150
00:07:22,834 --> 00:07:24,467
STUART?
NOTHIN'.
151
00:07:24,501 --> 00:07:27,133
BACK TO PAUL.
STILL NOTHIN'.
152
00:07:27,167 --> 00:07:30,167
ALL RIGHT, NOW.
WHAT'S CHRISTMAS ALL ABOUT?
153
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:32,234
CHILDREN...OPENING PRESENTS...
154
00:07:32,267 --> 00:07:34,968
I'LL GIVE OUT PRESENTS
TO CHILDREN...
155
00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:36,968
BUT THEIR PARENTS
GIVE THEM PRESENTS.
156
00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:38,200
IF THEY DON'T HAVE PARENTS?
157
00:07:38,234 --> 00:07:40,033
OH, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
158
00:07:42,167 --> 00:07:43,567
OH, YES! ORPHANS!
159
00:07:43,601 --> 00:07:46,667
I'LL SHOW UP AT AN ORPHANAGE
DRESSED AS SANTA,
160
00:07:46,701 --> 00:07:48,467
AND I'LL HAND OUT PRESENTS!
161
00:07:48,501 --> 00:07:51,200
HERE'S CHARLIE --
ACT DUMB.
162
00:07:56,868 --> 00:07:58,901
AND THE OSCAR
GOES TO...
163
00:08:00,601 --> 00:08:02,701
...PAUL LASSITER.
164
00:08:02,734 --> 00:08:04,934
WHAT'S UP, GANG?
165
00:08:04,968 --> 00:08:07,601
JUST HAVIN' A LITTLE POWWOW.
WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?
166
00:08:07,634 --> 00:08:10,601
I MADE A LIST OF SOME POSSIBLE
EVENTS FOR THE PHOTO OP.
167
00:08:10,634 --> 00:08:12,701
WELL, GREAT!
LET'S HEAR 'EM!
168
00:08:12,734 --> 00:08:15,501
WE CAN HAVE YOU HANDING OUT
GIFT BASKETS IN TIMES SQUARE.
169
00:08:15,534 --> 00:08:17,634
[ IMITATING BUZZER ]
170
00:08:17,667 --> 00:08:20,834
THERE'S A CHURCH THAT RUNS
A SOUP KITCHEN, AND I THOUGHT --
171
00:08:20,868 --> 00:08:22,567
PULL!
172
00:08:22,601 --> 00:08:23,834
[ IMITATES GUN SHOT ]
173
00:08:27,367 --> 00:08:28,968
AM I MISSING SOMETHING?
174
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:30,767
GONG!
175
00:08:30,801 --> 00:08:32,834
MAYBE I SHOULD JUST
LEAVE YOU GUYS
176
00:08:32,868 --> 00:08:35,934
TO YOUR LITTLE POWWOW.
177
00:08:35,968 --> 00:08:38,467
PAUL, REMEMBER YOU ASKED ME
FOR NEXT FRIDAY OFF?
178
00:08:38,501 --> 00:08:40,000
YEAH. � GONG!
179
00:08:42,067 --> 00:08:44,367
*"JOY TO THE WORLD" PLAYING*
180
00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:48,000
HA!
181
00:08:48,033 --> 00:08:49,534
KING ME!
182
00:08:49,567 --> 00:08:50,934
WELL-PLAYED, MR. KAPLAN.
183
00:08:50,968 --> 00:08:53,367
[ Laughing ]
THANK YOU, CARTER.
184
00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:54,734
MORE HOT COCOA?
185
00:08:54,767 --> 00:08:56,234
LOVE SOME.
186
00:09:17,334 --> 00:09:19,701
SIR, YOU MIGHT WANT TO
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS FAX.
187
00:09:19,734 --> 00:09:21,667
PUT IT ON THE BACK BURNER,
CHARLIE.
188
00:09:21,701 --> 00:09:23,234
I'VE GOT SOME NEWS
FOR
YOU.
189
00:09:23,267 --> 00:09:25,434
THE CHRISTMAS PHOTO OP
PROBLEM IS SOLVED.
190
00:09:25,467 --> 00:09:26,667
TOMORROW MORNING,
191
00:09:26,701 --> 00:09:29,868
I'M GOING TO BE AT AN ORPHANAGE
HANDING OUT TOYS.
192
00:09:29,901 --> 00:09:32,067
IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE.
WHEN DID YOU GET TOYS?
193
00:09:32,100 --> 00:09:34,701
WELL, NOW,
THIS IS THE GENIUS PART --
194
00:09:34,734 --> 00:09:38,000
WE SENT OVER THE TOYS
THAT WE JUST CONFISCATED.
195
00:09:39,801 --> 00:09:41,901
NOW, WHAT'S YOUR NEWS?
196
00:09:41,934 --> 00:09:45,200
POLICE SAY THE CONFISCATED TOYS
MAY BE FILLED WITH DRUGS.
197
00:09:48,100 --> 00:09:51,601
BOY, THOSE KIDS
CAN'T CATCH A BREAK, CAN THEY?
198
00:09:57,501 --> 00:09:59,133
YEAH, OKAY.
199
00:09:59,167 --> 00:10:01,567
WELL, I JUST GOT OFF
WITH THE MESSENGER SERVICE.
200
00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:04,000
WE'RE TOO LATE --
THE TOYS HAVE BEEN DELIVERED.
201
00:10:04,033 --> 00:10:06,033
THIS IS A NIGHTMARE!
202
00:10:06,067 --> 00:10:07,934
TAKE IT EASY, SIR.
IT'S NOT THAT BAD.
203
00:10:07,968 --> 00:10:12,300
CHARLIE, I JUST SENT ORPHANS
A SHIPMENT OF TEDDY BEARS
204
00:10:12,334 --> 00:10:15,267
WITH A STREET VALUE
OF $6 MILLION.
205
00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:21,801
THANK GOD YOU'RE BACK
IN THE SADDLE, CHUCK.
206
00:10:21,834 --> 00:10:24,300
THE MAYOR NEVER SAW ME
FOR WHAT I REALLY AM.
207
00:10:24,334 --> 00:10:27,000
A SHAMELESS KISS-ASS?
208
00:10:27,033 --> 00:10:29,000
YOU SEE,
YOU
GET ME.
209
00:10:29,033 --> 00:10:31,067
GUYS, WE NEED IDEAS.
210
00:10:31,100 --> 00:10:33,868
WE'LL JUST CALL THEM,
SAY THERE'S BEEN A MIX-UP,
211
00:10:33,901 --> 00:10:35,734
TAKE THE TOYS BACK.
212
00:10:35,767 --> 00:10:38,801
GOOD, PAUL -- TOMORROW WE'LL
HAVE THE MAYOR ON THE FRONT PAGE
213
00:10:38,834 --> 00:10:41,167
RIPPING TOYS OUT OF THE ARMS
OF CRYING ORPHANS.
214
00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:43,601
MAYBE AFTER WE'LL HAVE HIM
DOWN A BOTTLE OF SCOTCH
215
00:10:43,634 --> 00:10:45,334
AND PASS OUT UNDER THE TREE.
216
00:10:45,367 --> 00:10:49,133
I MISS MY DAD.
217
00:10:49,167 --> 00:10:52,834
WHY DON'T WE JUST SAY THAT
THE TOYS HAVE DRUGS IN THEM?
218
00:10:52,868 --> 00:10:55,734
EVEN BETTER, PAUL --
TOMORROW'S HEADLINE WILL READ
219
00:10:55,767 --> 00:10:58,767
"THE MAYOR WISHES EVERYONE
A WHITE, UNCUT CHRISTMAS."
220
00:11:00,501 --> 00:11:03,801
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE PLAN --
221
00:11:03,834 --> 00:11:06,434
WE'RE GONNA SNEAK IN THERE
WHEN THE KIDS ARE ASLEEP,
222
00:11:06,467 --> 00:11:08,267
TAKE THE TOYS,
CHECK 'EM FOR DRUGS,
223
00:11:08,300 --> 00:11:10,667
THEN PUT 'EM BACK
BEFORE THE PRESS ARRIVES.
224
00:11:10,701 --> 00:11:13,234
OH, YEAH, PERFECT -- I CAN SEE
THE HEADLINES TOMORROW --
225
00:11:13,267 --> 00:11:15,033
"MAYOR GIVES ORPHANS TOYS."
226
00:11:15,067 --> 00:11:18,634
ACTUALLY, THAT WORKS.
227
00:11:29,167 --> 00:11:32,000
IS THAT FOR ME?
228
00:11:32,033 --> 00:11:33,767
OF COURSE IT IS.
229
00:11:33,801 --> 00:11:36,267
OH, LOOK --
JOHN FORSYTHE!
230
00:11:39,133 --> 00:11:41,100
OW!
231
00:11:41,133 --> 00:11:42,901
OW!
232
00:11:42,934 --> 00:11:44,334
OH!
233
00:11:44,367 --> 00:11:46,167
ARE YOU DONE SHOVELING,
CAITLIN?
234
00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:47,968
LOOK, IT'S MISERABLE
OUT THERE.
235
00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:49,601
I CAN'T EVEN FEEL MY HANDS.
236
00:11:49,634 --> 00:11:51,601
IS THERE ANY WORK
I CAN DO INSIDE?
237
00:11:51,634 --> 00:11:53,968
WHY DON'T YOU SEE IF ANYONE
WANTS TEA BY THE FIRE?
238
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:56,234
BLESS YOU.
239
00:11:59,300 --> 00:12:04,067
EXCUSE ME, SIR,
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME TEA?
240
00:12:04,100 --> 00:12:07,067
YOU KNOW WHAT I'D LOVE?
241
00:12:07,100 --> 00:12:10,400
MULLED CIDER
WITH A SPLASH OF BRANDY.
242
00:12:10,434 --> 00:12:12,000
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!
243
00:12:12,033 --> 00:12:14,000
YOU DRAG ME HERE
SO I COULD WORK LIKE A DOG
244
00:12:14,033 --> 00:12:15,901
WHILE YOU SIT HERE
DOING NOTHING!
245
00:12:15,934 --> 00:12:18,767
I DO PLENTY! I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW
I PUT WOOD ON THAT FIRE!
246
00:12:18,801 --> 00:12:20,901
I
CHOPPED
THAT WOOD!
247
00:12:20,934 --> 00:12:22,801
I AM OUT OF HERE!
248
00:12:22,834 --> 00:12:24,200
HEY, CAITLIN.
249
00:12:24,234 --> 00:12:26,133
CAITLIN, DON'T LEAVE.
250
00:12:26,167 --> 00:12:27,400
CAIT--
251
00:12:27,434 --> 00:12:29,067
[ DOOR CLOSES ]
252
00:12:29,100 --> 00:12:30,200
CAITLIN!
253
00:12:30,234 --> 00:12:31,534
AAHHH!
254
00:12:31,567 --> 00:12:32,834
OH, MY GOD!
255
00:12:32,868 --> 00:12:33,901
CAITLIN!
256
00:12:33,934 --> 00:12:36,334
ARE YOU OKAY?
257
00:12:48,167 --> 00:12:51,767
Wow! I've never seen anybody
pick a lock before.
258
00:12:51,801 --> 00:12:53,334
HERE YOU GO.
259
00:12:53,367 --> 00:12:56,701
I DIDN'T KNOW
WENDY'S MADE A CREDIT CARD.
260
00:12:56,734 --> 00:12:59,367
I'VE NEVER BEEN
IN AN ORPHANAGE BEFORE.
261
00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:02,534
YEAH, WE MAY COMPLAIN
ABOUT OUR LITTLE PROBLEMS,
262
00:13:02,567 --> 00:13:04,567
BUT IT'S NOTHING
LIKE THE DISAPPOINTMENT
263
00:13:04,601 --> 00:13:06,267
THESE KIDS FACE EVERY DAY.
264
00:13:06,300 --> 00:13:08,267
COME ON --
LET'S STEAL THEIR TOYS.
265
00:13:11,267 --> 00:13:13,267
PAUL,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
266
00:13:13,300 --> 00:13:15,400
[ Muffled ]
DOING THIS FOR THE KIDS.
267
00:13:15,434 --> 00:13:18,033
YOU KNOW, SANTA ALWAYS DRINKS
THE MILK, EATS THE COOKIES.
268
00:13:18,067 --> 00:13:22,300
I'M PRETTY SURE
HE DOESN'T SWIPE...
269
00:13:22,334 --> 00:13:23,968
TV GUIDE.
270
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:25,868
"CYBILL TELLS HER STORY."
271
00:13:25,901 --> 00:13:27,801
GIVE ME THIS.
272
00:13:27,834 --> 00:13:29,033
NO, NO, NO.
273
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:41,234
WHY ARE YOU TAKING
OUR PRESENTS, SANTA CLAUS?
274
00:13:41,267 --> 00:13:43,934
WELL, UM...
275
00:13:43,968 --> 00:13:46,467
THESE PRESENTS ARE BROKEN,
276
00:13:46,501 --> 00:13:49,400
SO I'M TAKING THEM BACK
TO MY WORKSHOP, MY DEAR.
277
00:13:49,434 --> 00:13:52,334
I'LL FIX THEM UP THERE
AND THEN BRING THEM BACK HERE.
278
00:13:52,367 --> 00:13:54,501
THAT'S FROM "THE GRINCH."
279
00:13:54,534 --> 00:13:56,901
OH, YOU'VE SEEN THAT?
280
00:13:56,934 --> 00:14:00,300
WHO ATE ALL THE COOKIES?
281
00:14:00,334 --> 00:14:03,067
SANTA.
282
00:14:03,100 --> 00:14:05,067
I THINK
I BETTER CALL THE POLICE.
283
00:14:05,100 --> 00:14:07,167
NO, NO NEED FOR THAT.
JUST GO BACK TO BED.
284
00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:10,334
WHEN YOU WAKE UP,
YOU CAN OPEN YOUR PRESENTS.
285
00:14:10,367 --> 00:14:13,000
BUT I CAN'T GO TO SLEEP
WITHOUT A BEDTIME STORY.
286
00:14:13,033 --> 00:14:15,367
I GOT A GREAT CHRISTMAS STORY
RIGHT HERE.
287
00:14:23,734 --> 00:14:26,434
"FROM MODEST BEGINNINGS
IN MEMPHIS, TENNESSEE,
288
00:14:26,467 --> 00:14:28,534
"TO FAME AND FORTUNE
IN HOLLYWOOD,
289
00:14:28,567 --> 00:14:30,834
CYBILL SHEPHERD
HAS SEEN IT ALL."
290
00:14:33,801 --> 00:14:37,634
"NOW YOU CAN SEE CYBILL
IN HER SYNDICATED TALK SHOW,
291
00:14:37,667 --> 00:14:40,868
"'MEN ARE FROM MARS,
WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS.'
292
00:14:40,901 --> 00:14:42,968
CONSULT YOUR LOCAL LISTINGS."
293
00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:44,734
THE END.
294
00:14:44,767 --> 00:14:48,634
[ Voice breaking ]
CYBILL HAS BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH.
295
00:14:48,667 --> 00:14:51,234
Shhh. Let's take her
to her room
296
00:14:51,267 --> 00:14:53,067
and get out of here.
297
00:14:56,701 --> 00:15:00,300
WE WANT A STORY, TOO.
298
00:15:00,334 --> 00:15:03,033
OKAY.
299
00:15:13,767 --> 00:15:17,434
"THIS WEEK
ON E! 'CELEBRITY HOMES,'
300
00:15:17,467 --> 00:15:21,067
JEFF GOLDBLUM'S
SANTA FE GETAWAY."
301
00:15:22,501 --> 00:15:24,400
THANK YOU.
302
00:15:24,434 --> 00:15:27,767
CAITLIN, I'M SORRY
YOU BUMPED YOUR HEAD.
303
00:15:27,801 --> 00:15:31,334
AT LEAST THE SNOW
KEPT THE SWELLING DOWN.
304
00:15:31,367 --> 00:15:32,601
THANKS, CARTER.
305
00:15:32,634 --> 00:15:35,968
THAT TOTALLY TAKES MY MIND
OFF THE FROSTBITE.
306
00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:38,667
I'M ALSO SORRY
ABOUT THE WAY I BEHAVED.
307
00:15:38,701 --> 00:15:41,868
I GIVE YOU THIS BIG LECTURE
ABOUT VOLUNTEERING,
308
00:15:41,901 --> 00:15:45,334
AND I SPENT THE WHOLE DAY
PLAYING BOARD GAMES AND GABBING.
309
00:15:45,367 --> 00:15:47,434
I DID NOTHING
FOR THESE PEOPLE.
310
00:15:47,467 --> 00:15:48,534
NOTHING?
311
00:15:48,567 --> 00:15:50,334
YOU TALKED TO US
312
00:15:50,367 --> 00:15:53,367
AND PLAYED GAMES WITH US,
LIKE YOU DO EVERY YEAR.
313
00:15:53,400 --> 00:15:55,567
YOU'RE OUR FAVORITE.
314
00:15:55,601 --> 00:15:57,434
WHAT ABOUT ME?
315
00:15:57,467 --> 00:15:59,901
I SHOVELED THE DAMN WALK.
316
00:15:59,934 --> 00:16:02,467
WHO CARES
WHO SHOVELED THE WALK?
317
00:16:02,501 --> 00:16:05,501
I HAVEN'T BEEN OUT THAT DOOR
IN EIGHT YEARS.
318
00:16:05,534 --> 00:16:08,033
HONEY, WE APPRECIATE
WHAT YOU DID,
319
00:16:08,067 --> 00:16:09,868
BUT IF YOU REALLY WANT TO HELP,
320
00:16:09,901 --> 00:16:12,501
JUST SPEND SOME TIME WITH US
THE WAY CARTER DOES.
321
00:16:12,534 --> 00:16:14,767
THAT'S ALL I HAVE TO DO
TO MAKE YOU HAPPY?
322
00:16:14,801 --> 00:16:16,033
YES!
323
00:16:16,067 --> 00:16:17,767
GREAT!
I'M UP FOR ANYTHING.
324
00:16:17,801 --> 00:16:20,300
GOOD -- I HAVE ALL
THE "JERRY LEWIS TELETHONS"
325
00:16:20,334 --> 00:16:21,834
ON VIDEOTAPE.
326
00:16:21,868 --> 00:16:25,501
LET'S START AT 1984
AND WORK OUR WAY UP.
327
00:16:25,534 --> 00:16:29,834
ACTUALLY, I THINK
I'LL SHOVEL THE WALK SOME MORE.
328
00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:34,601
I THINK I'LL HELP HER.
329
00:16:38,667 --> 00:16:40,133
Where's Charlie?
330
00:16:40,167 --> 00:16:42,534
There's no way
I can hand out these toys.
331
00:16:42,567 --> 00:16:45,434
He said he has a plan, and he'll
be right back -- just cover.
332
00:16:45,467 --> 00:16:47,000
Okay.
333
00:16:47,033 --> 00:16:50,901
WELL, LET'S HAVE ANOTHER
"HOLDING YOUR BREATH" CONTEST!
334
00:16:50,934 --> 00:16:53,901
BILLY WON THE LAST ONE
WITH TWO MINUTES.
335
00:16:53,934 --> 00:16:55,868
WHERE IS BILLY?
336
00:16:57,834 --> 00:17:00,334
[ LAUGHING ]
WHAT ARE YOU SMILING ABOUT?
337
00:17:00,367 --> 00:17:02,834
I JUST CAME UP WITH A ZINGER
FOR THE MAYOR'S CARD.
338
00:17:02,868 --> 00:17:04,133
YOU READY?
339
00:17:04,167 --> 00:17:06,534
"ON THE FOOT OF CITY HALL,
340
00:17:06,567 --> 00:17:08,801
YOU'RE THE BIG MISTLETOE."
341
00:17:08,834 --> 00:17:11,801
[ LAUGHING ]
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
342
00:17:11,834 --> 00:17:13,200
WHAT DO YOU THINK I THINK?
343
00:17:13,234 --> 00:17:16,067
OH, GOD,
I WROTE IT IN PEN!
344
00:17:16,100 --> 00:17:17,767
SORRY I'M LATE.
345
00:17:17,801 --> 00:17:19,701
WHERE DID YOU GO?
346
00:17:19,734 --> 00:17:22,400
I went to the police station
and picked up Clyde.
347
00:17:22,434 --> 00:17:24,133
He's a drug-sniffing dog.
348
00:17:24,167 --> 00:17:26,667
KEEP DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
EVERYTHING'S COVERED.
349
00:17:26,701 --> 00:17:28,801
OKAY...
350
00:17:28,834 --> 00:17:30,501
LET'S HAND OUT SOME TOYS!
351
00:17:30,534 --> 00:17:33,200
YAY!
YAY!
YAY!
YAY!
352
00:17:33,234 --> 00:17:36,601
OKAY, FIRST UP --
"TO TIMMY, FROM SANTA."
353
00:17:36,634 --> 00:17:38,200
TIMMY, HERE.
354
00:17:38,234 --> 00:17:39,634
HO-HO-HO...
355
00:17:39,667 --> 00:17:41,567
BUT FIRST,
AS PER TRADITION,
356
00:17:41,601 --> 00:17:44,701
WE WILL WAVE THE PRESENT
IN FRONT OF CLYDE THE REINDEER
357
00:17:44,734 --> 00:17:46,634
FOR A CHRISTMAS BLESSING.
358
00:17:48,267 --> 00:17:49,567
THIS ONE'S CLEAN.
359
00:17:49,601 --> 00:17:52,367
TIMMY, MERRY CHRISTMAS!
HO-HO-HO!
360
00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:54,100
"TO BONNIE, FROM SANTA."
361
00:17:54,133 --> 00:17:55,801
BONNIE!
362
00:17:57,334 --> 00:18:00,167
BONNIE.
363
00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:02,834
WHAT'D I GIVE YOU?
WHAT'D I GIVE YOU?
364
00:18:02,868 --> 00:18:04,667
OH, EASY-BAKE OVEN!
365
00:18:04,701 --> 00:18:06,834
OH, I USED TO LOVE...
366
00:18:08,501 --> 00:18:13,367
...WATCHING MY SISTER BAKE
WHILE I PLAYED SPORTS.
367
00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:16,434
LET'S SPEED THIS UP, HUH?
368
00:18:16,467 --> 00:18:18,300
THIS ONE'S CLEAN.
369
00:18:18,334 --> 00:18:20,801
MERRY CHRISTMAS, CARLOS!
370
00:18:20,834 --> 00:18:22,534
HO-HO-HO!
371
00:18:22,567 --> 00:18:24,667
AND FINALLY, "FOR CINDY."
372
00:18:24,701 --> 00:18:25,934
AH, CINDY.
373
00:18:27,367 --> 00:18:29,234
[ BARKS ]
374
00:18:29,267 --> 00:18:31,868
WE GOTTA KEEP THIS ONE.
375
00:18:31,901 --> 00:18:33,734
BUT I WANT MY PRESENT!
376
00:18:33,767 --> 00:18:35,868
Trust me, you don't want
to open this box.
377
00:18:35,901 --> 00:18:37,634
WHY? WHAT WILL I GET?
378
00:18:37,667 --> 00:18:40,901
15 to 20.
379
00:18:40,934 --> 00:18:43,667
THIS IS
THE WORST CHRISTMAS EVER!
380
00:18:43,701 --> 00:18:45,133
WHAT'S GOING ON, CHARLIE?
381
00:18:45,167 --> 00:18:46,467
OKAY...
382
00:18:46,501 --> 00:18:48,501
THE TRUTH IS --
383
00:18:48,534 --> 00:18:50,534
THE TRUTH IS...
384
00:18:50,567 --> 00:18:54,300
THAT CHRISTMAS
ISN'T ABOUT PRESENTS AND TOYS.
385
00:18:54,334 --> 00:18:57,033
SOMETIMES
DURING THE HOLIDAY SEASON,
386
00:18:57,067 --> 00:18:59,934
WE FORGET
ABOUT WHAT'S TRULY IMPORTANT --
387
00:18:59,968 --> 00:19:04,334
FRIENDS AND FAM...ILIARITY,
388
00:19:04,367 --> 00:19:06,067
AND THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT.
389
00:19:06,100 --> 00:19:08,567
YOU KNOW, CINDY,
390
00:19:08,601 --> 00:19:11,767
SOMETIMES
THE BEST CHRISTMAS GIFTS
391
00:19:11,801 --> 00:19:14,167
ARE THE ONES YOU CAN'T BUY.
392
00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:15,467
HERE, CINDY,
393
00:19:15,501 --> 00:19:17,834
YOU CAN SHARE MY GIFT.
394
00:19:17,868 --> 00:19:19,667
AND
MINES,
TOO.
395
00:19:19,701 --> 00:19:21,934
THANK YOU, SANTA.
396
00:19:21,968 --> 00:19:24,200
AH, YOU'RE WELCOME,
CINDY.
397
00:19:24,234 --> 00:19:25,834
HEY!
398
00:19:25,868 --> 00:19:28,601
WHY DON'T WE ALL GO OUTSIDE
AND HAVE A SNOWBALL FIGHT?
399
00:19:28,634 --> 00:19:30,300
YAY!
YAY!
YAY!
400
00:19:30,334 --> 00:19:32,067
HO-HO!
401
00:19:32,100 --> 00:19:33,968
HO-HO-HO!
402
00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:37,567
HO-HO-HO-LY CRAP!
THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE!
403
00:19:37,601 --> 00:19:40,968
NICE WORK, SIR.
THAT WAS AN AMAZING SPEECH.
404
00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:42,834
AH-H, I GUESS IT WAS OKAY.
405
00:19:42,868 --> 00:19:44,567
OKAY?! IT WAS GREAT!
406
00:19:44,601 --> 00:19:46,934
TWO OF THE REPORTERS
WERE CRYING.
407
00:19:46,968 --> 00:19:50,834
THREE, BUT ONE OF 'EM
HAD HER OWN STUFF GOING ON.
408
00:19:50,868 --> 00:19:53,267
I DON'T KNOW
HOW YOU DO IT, SIR.
409
00:19:53,300 --> 00:19:56,801
YOU HAVE THIS ABILITY
TO SPEAK TO AN AUDIENCE
410
00:19:56,834 --> 00:19:59,467
AND MAKE EACH PERSON FEEL LIKE
YOU'RE TALKING JUST TO THEM.
411
00:19:59,501 --> 00:20:01,968
YEAH, I CAN
HANDLE THE DETAILS,
412
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:04,100
BUT I COULD NEVER DO
WHAT YOU DO.
413
00:20:04,133 --> 00:20:06,400
I GUESS THAT'S WHY
YOU'RE THE MAYOR.
414
00:20:06,434 --> 00:20:09,000
I'VE ALWAYS FOUND
PUBLIC SPEAKING
415
00:20:09,033 --> 00:20:12,334
EASIER THAN TALKING
WITH A PERSON ONE-ON-ONE.
416
00:20:12,367 --> 00:20:15,734
I JUST CAN'T DEAL
WITH THE AWKWARD SILENCES...
417
00:20:15,767 --> 00:20:19,367
SO I END UP BLURTING OUT
SOMETHING INAPPROPRIATE.
418
00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:20,734
OH.
419
00:20:20,767 --> 00:20:22,467
YEAH.
420
00:20:28,334 --> 00:20:31,567
I HAVE A LOW SPERM COUNT.
421
00:20:31,601 --> 00:20:36,067
WELL, MAYBE SANTA
CAN BRING YOU MORE.
422
00:20:36,100 --> 00:20:37,767
OH.
423
00:20:37,801 --> 00:20:40,334
WHAT DO YOU SAY
WE JOIN THE SNOWBALL FIGHT?
424
00:20:40,367 --> 00:20:42,167
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
425
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:43,501
HO-HO-HO!
426
00:20:48,701 --> 00:20:51,033
I SAW THAT, PAUL!
YOU'RE A DEAD MAN!
427
00:20:51,067 --> 00:20:54,167
AH, COME ON, CHARLIE --
IT'S ALL IN GOOD FUN.
428
00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:57,567
STUART, YOU'RE FIRED!
429
00:20:59,667 --> 00:21:01,834
I'VE LOST CONFIDENCE
IN THIS MISTLETOE THING.
430
00:21:01,868 --> 00:21:04,767
I'LL SWITCH MY NAME
WITH STUART'S.
431
00:21:04,801 --> 00:21:07,067
MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY!
432
00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:09,100
HERE YOU ARE, SIR.
AH.
433
00:21:12,100 --> 00:21:14,567
OH, STUART'S
RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE.
434
00:21:14,601 --> 00:21:19,667
"ON THE FOOT OF CITY HALL,
YOU'RE THE BIG MISTLETOE."
435
00:21:19,701 --> 00:21:22,968
IT'S A PUN! IT DOESN'T GET
ANY FUNNIER THAN THAT!
436
00:21:24,367 --> 00:21:28,167
[ LAUGHING ]
437
00:21:30,501 --> 00:21:32,934
- SIT, UBU, SIT. GOOD DOG.
- [DOG BARKS]
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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