Original subtitles

THE CHRISTMAS CARD WE'LL BE GIVING THE MAYOR.

"HOWDY, COWPOKE, YOU'RE 7"?

YOU WAIT TILL CHRISTMAS EVE, IT'S SLIM PICKIN'S.

BUT I AM GOING TO WRITE THE BEST MESSAGE

SO THAT THIS YEAR

THE MAYOR GIVES ME THE OLD "PAT AND SQUEEZE."

UH, PAUL WE TALKED ABOUT GOOD TOUCHING AND BAD TOUCHING.

THIS IS BAD.

DID YOU SET UP THE MAYOR'S HOLIDAY PRESS APPEARANCE?

HE'LL BE AT THE U.N. SINGING CAROLS

WITH CHILDREN FROM 50 DIFFERENT COUNTRIES.

YOU'RE FLYING KIDS IN FROM ALL AROUND THE WORLD?

NO, I'M USING A FIRST-GRADE CLASS FROM BROOKLYN.

HERE YOU GO, PAUL.

[ CHUCKLES ]

"MAY YOUR CHRISTMAS BE A HAPPY ONE."

OH, HE WROTE "MAYOR"... INSTEAD OF "MAY YOUR."

WE'RE GOING FUNNY THIS YEAR?

IT'S NOT THAT FUNNY.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! IT'S HUGE!

IT'S A PUN!

IT DOESN'T GET ANY FUNNIER THAN THIS!

CHARLIE, THERE'S A PICTURE OF YOU IN TODAY'S PAPER

AT A BLACK-TIE DINNER.

WHY WASN'T I INVITED?

YOU WERE INVITED, SIR,

BUT YOU TOLD ME NOT TO BOTHER YOU WITH STUFF LIKE THIS.

AND YOU KNOW YOUR RULE ABOUT SOCIAL EVENTS --

NO MODELS, NO MAYOR.

FROM NOW ON, I WANT TO BE KEPT UP-TO-DATE,

EVEN ABOUT THINGS I DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT.

IF I'M NOT INTERESTED IN IT... I'D BETTER HEAR ABOUT IT.

DON'T WORRY, PAL.

MAYOR ALWAYS GETS A LITTLE WEIRD AROUND THE HOLIDAYS.

BAD.

THE CHRISTMAS PRESS CONFERENCE IS MY FAVORITE.

SAYING "HAPPY HOLIDAYS" TO THE ENTIRE CITY --

THAT'S WHAT BEING MAYOR IS ALL ABOUT.

WHAT ABOUT THE FREE MANSION

AND RUNNING RED LIGHTS IN THE LIMO?

ON ANY OTHER DAY, YES.

BUT TODAY, IT'S ALL ABOUT CHRISTMAS.

OH, LOOK, BEFORE I GO IN THERE,

IS THERE ANYTHING I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THAT YOU SHOULD TELL ME?

I'D SHY AWAY FROM THAT RUDOLPH JOKE YOU'VE BEEN TELLING.

IT MIGHT BE OFFENSIVE TO WOMEN...AND MEN...

AND REINDEER.

...AND THEN RUDOLPH SAYS,

"HEY, THAT'S NOT THE ONLY THING THAT GLOWS."

[ GROANING ]

OKAY, UH, UH, HERE -- HERE'S THE MAYOR.

SIR, COULD YOU GIVE US ANY INFORMATION

ABOUT THE SHIPMENT OF TOYS

THAT WAS CONFISCATED THIS MORNING?

I HAVEN'T BEEN BRIEFED ON THAT ONE.

UH, THE CONFISCATED TOYS WERE ILLEGAL KNOCKOFFS

SMUGGLED IN FROM OVERSEAS.

REST ASSURED THAT SANTA IS NOT A SUSPECT,

ALTHOUGH WE ARE QUESTIONING SEVERAL DISGRUNTLED ELVES.

You should be good from here. Sorry about that.

WHERE WERE THE TOYS SEIZED?

KENNEDY...AIRPORT.

Again, sorry.

WHAT KIND OF TOYS WERE THEY?

I GOT THIS ONE.

SO...RUDOLPH AND MRS. CLAUS ARE IN A HOT TUB.

HEY, ANGIE, LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION --

EVER DO ANY VOLUNTEER WORK OVER THE HOLIDAYS?

TAKE A LOOK AT MY PAYCHECKS -- THIS IS VOLUNTEER WORK.

WATCH IT, CAITLIN.

CARTER'S GONNA TRY TO ROPE YOU IN

TO HELPING OUT AT THE OLD FOGIES' HOME.

STUART WAS BANNED FROM THE NURSING HOME LAST CHRISTMAS.

I TOLD THEM ALL I WAS THEIR GRANDSON.

I MADE OVER $400.

CARTER, I WOULD LOVE TO HELP,

BUT EVERY YEAR I MAKE SOME NICE DONATIONS.

THAT'S HOW I HANDLE CHARITY.

CAITLIN, CAITLIN, CAITLIN...

Here we go.

CAITLIN, IF YOU WANT TO BE CHARITABLE DURING THE HOLIDAYS,

GIVE YOUR TIME.

THAT'S A FAR MORE VALUABLE GIFT THAN MONEY OR MATERIAL THINGS.

SO YOU DON'T WANT THE LEATHER JACKET I GOT YOU?

THOUGH LEATHER'S A DIFFERENT STORY.

1,000 HOLIDAY JOKES,

NOT ONE THAT WILL WORK FOR THE MAYOR'S CARD.

NO, NO, NO. [ CHUCKLES ]

[ LAUGHING ]

"YULE LOG."

PAUL, YOU DON'T NEED A JOKE TO GET APPROVAL FROM THE MAYOR.

YOU HAVE SO MANY OTHER QUALITIES THAT HE ADMIRES.

LIKE WHAT?

I'D GO WITH "YULE LOG."

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET THE MEETING STARTED.

I JUST GOT WORD THAT TOMORROW --

HEY, GUYS, SORRY I'M LATE.

SIR, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? THIS IS JUST A STAFF MEETING.

WELL, I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BOOST MORALE

IF I HUNG OUT WITH YOU DESK JOCKEYS.

I'M ALREADY INSPIRED.

BESIDES, THIS WAY I'M ASSURED TO BE...IN THE LOOP.

DON'T WORRY, CHARLIE. IT'S STILL YOUR MEETING.

OKAY.

WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE...

...THE CHRISTMAS PHOTO OP AT THE U.N. HAS FALLEN THROUGH,

SO WE'VE GOT TO COME UP WITH A NEW IDEA.

WE'RE IN CRISIS MODE, PEOPLE! IT'S TIME TO JUMP INTO ACTION!

PAUL, MAKE A POT OF COFFEE!

STUART...

PREPARE FOR COFFEE!

SIR, I APPLAUD YOUR INSTINCTS TO GET PAUL OUT OF THE ROOM,

BUT I'VE GOT THE SITUATION UNDER CONTROL.

WELL, HERE'S MY IDEA --

WE DO AN EVENT IN CENTRAL PARK --

ME, REINDEER -- THE WHOLE SHEBANG.

WE CAN'T GET ENOUGH SECURITY ON SUCH SHORT NOTICE.

WELL, HOW ABOUT SKATING IN ROCKEFELLER CENTER --

ME, REINDEER -- THE WHOLE SHEBANG.

WELL, I LIKE THE "SHEBANG" AREA,

BUT ROCKEFELLER CENTER'S ALREADY BOOKED.

I SEE. I COME IN WITH A COUPLE HOME-RUN IDEAS,

AND YOU SHOOT THEM DOWN BECAUSE YOU'RE THREATENED BY ME!

THAT'S NOT TRUE.

WHOA! CALM DOWN.

[ Laughing ] IT'S NOT YOU AGAINST ME.

PAUL, GRAB STUART.

WE'RE STARTING A SPLINTER GROUP IN MY OFFICE.

IT'S US AGAINST CHARLIE.

SEE HOW REWARDING CHARITY WORK CAN BE?

WRITING CHECKS NEVER CAUSED MY HANDS TO PRUNE UP.

MAYBE WE SHOULD BE

A LITTLE MORE CONCERNED WITH HELPING PEOPLE

AND A LITTLE LESS CONCERNED WITH SKIN CARE, HMM?

DO YOU REALLY ENJOY DOING THIS?

OF COURSE!

THAT'S WHY I'VE COME BACK HERE OVER THE LAST FIVE YEARS.

YOU'LL START TO ENJOY IT, TOO.

THE HARDER THE JOB, THE MORE REWARDING THE EXPERIENCE.

HEY, I NEED SOMEONE TO SHOVEL THE WALK

AND SOMEONE TO PLAY CHECKERS.

I'LL TAKE CHECKERS.

GENTLEMEN, THIS IS THE SPLINTER GROUP.

FIRST RULE OF SPLINTER GROUP --

YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT... SPLINTER GROUP.

NOW...

A CHRISTMAS PHOTO OP -- WE NEED IDEAS.

[ SIGHS ] PAUL, WHAT DO YOU GOT?

NOTHIN'.

STUART? NOTHIN'.

BACK TO PAUL. STILL NOTHIN'.

ALL RIGHT, NOW. WHAT'S CHRISTMAS ALL ABOUT?

CHILDREN...OPENING PRESENTS...

I'LL GIVE OUT PRESENTS TO CHILDREN...

BUT THEIR PARENTS GIVE THEM PRESENTS.

IF THEY DON'T HAVE PARENTS?

OH, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

OH, YES! ORPHANS!

I'LL SHOW UP AT AN ORPHANAGE DRESSED AS SANTA,

AND I'LL HAND OUT PRESENTS!

HERE'S CHARLIE -- ACT DUMB.

AND THE OSCAR GOES TO...

...PAUL LASSITER.

WHAT'S UP, GANG?

JUST HAVIN' A LITTLE POWWOW. WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?

I MADE A LIST OF SOME POSSIBLE EVENTS FOR THE PHOTO OP.

WELL, GREAT! LET'S HEAR 'EM!

WE CAN HAVE YOU HANDING OUT GIFT BASKETS IN TIMES SQUARE.

[ IMITATING BUZZER ]

THERE'S A CHURCH THAT RUNS A SOUP KITCHEN, AND I THOUGHT --

PULL!

[ IMITATES GUN SHOT ]

AM I MISSING SOMETHING?

GONG!

MAYBE I SHOULD JUST LEAVE YOU GUYS

TO YOUR LITTLE POWWOW.

PAUL, REMEMBER YOU ASKED ME FOR NEXT FRIDAY OFF?

YEAH. � GONG!

* "JOY TO THE WORLD" PLAYING *

HA!

KING ME!

WELL-PLAYED, MR. KAPLAN.

[ Laughing ] THANK YOU, CARTER.

MORE HOT COCOA?

LOVE SOME.

SIR, YOU MIGHT WANT TO TAKE A LOOK AT THIS FAX.

PUT IT ON THE BACK BURNER, CHARLIE.

I'VE GOT SOME NEWS FOR YOU.

THE CHRISTMAS PHOTO OP PROBLEM IS SOLVED.

TOMORROW MORNING,

I'M GOING TO BE AT AN ORPHANAGE HANDING OUT TOYS.

IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE. WHEN DID YOU GET TOYS?

WELL, NOW, THIS IS THE GENIUS PART --

WE SENT OVER THE TOYS THAT WE JUST CONFISCATED.

NOW, WHAT'S YOUR NEWS?

POLICE SAY THE CONFISCATED TOYS MAY BE FILLED WITH DRUGS.

BOY, THOSE KIDS CAN'T CATCH A BREAK, CAN THEY?

YEAH, OKAY.

WELL, I JUST GOT OFF WITH THE MESSENGER SERVICE.

WE'RE TOO LATE -- THE TOYS HAVE BEEN DELIVERED.

THIS IS A NIGHTMARE!

TAKE IT EASY, SIR. IT'S NOT THAT BAD.

CHARLIE, I JUST SENT ORPHANS A SHIPMENT OF TEDDY BEARS

WITH A STREET VALUE OF $6 MILLION.

THANK GOD YOU'RE BACK IN THE SADDLE, CHUCK.

THE MAYOR NEVER SAW ME FOR WHAT I REALLY AM.

A SHAMELESS KISS-ASS?

YOU SEE, YOU GET ME.

GUYS, WE NEED IDEAS.

WE'LL JUST CALL THEM, SAY THERE'S BEEN A MIX-UP,

TAKE THE TOYS BACK.

GOOD, PAUL -- TOMORROW WE'LL HAVE THE MAYOR ON THE FRONT PAGE

RIPPING TOYS OUT OF THE ARMS OF CRYING ORPHANS.

MAYBE AFTER WE'LL HAVE HIM DOWN A BOTTLE OF SCOTCH

AND PASS OUT UNDER THE TREE.

I MISS MY DAD.

WHY DON'T WE JUST SAY THAT THE TOYS HAVE DRUGS IN THEM?

EVEN BETTER, PAUL -- TOMORROW'S HEADLINE WILL READ

"THE MAYOR WISHES EVERYONE A WHITE, UNCUT CHRISTMAS."

ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE PLAN --

WE'RE GONNA SNEAK IN THERE WHEN THE KIDS ARE ASLEEP,

TAKE THE TOYS, CHECK 'EM FOR DRUGS,

THEN PUT 'EM BACK BEFORE THE PRESS ARRIVES.

OH, YEAH, PERFECT -- I CAN SEE THE HEADLINES TOMORROW --

"MAYOR GIVES ORPHANS TOYS."

ACTUALLY, THAT WORKS.

IS THAT FOR ME?

OF COURSE IT IS.

OH, LOOK -- JOHN FORSYTHE!

OW!

OW!

OH!

ARE YOU DONE SHOVELING, CAITLIN?

LOOK, IT'S MISERABLE OUT THERE.

I CAN'T EVEN FEEL MY HANDS.

IS THERE ANY WORK I CAN DO INSIDE?

WHY DON'T YOU SEE IF ANYONE WANTS TEA BY THE FIRE?

BLESS YOU.

EXCUSE ME, SIR, WOULD YOU LIKE SOME TEA?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'D LOVE?

MULLED CIDER WITH A SPLASH OF BRANDY.

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!

YOU DRAG ME HERE SO I COULD WORK LIKE A DOG

WHILE YOU SIT HERE DOING NOTHING!

I DO PLENTY! I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I PUT WOOD ON THAT FIRE!

I CHOPPED THAT WOOD!

I AM OUT OF HERE!

HEY, CAITLIN.

CAITLIN, DON'T LEAVE.

CAIT--

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

CAITLIN!

AAHHH!

OH, MY GOD!

CAITLIN!

ARE YOU OKAY?

Wow! I've never seen anybody pick a lock before.

HERE YOU GO.

I DIDN'T KNOW WENDY'S MADE A CREDIT CARD.

I'VE NEVER BEEN IN AN ORPHANAGE BEFORE.

YEAH, WE MAY COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR LITTLE PROBLEMS,

BUT IT'S NOTHING LIKE THE DISAPPOINTMENT

THESE KIDS FACE EVERY DAY.

COME ON -- LET'S STEAL THEIR TOYS.

PAUL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

[ Muffled ] DOING THIS FOR THE KIDS.

YOU KNOW, SANTA ALWAYS DRINKS THE MILK, EATS THE COOKIES.

I'M PRETTY SURE HE DOESN'T SWIPE...

TV GUIDE.

"CYBILL TELLS HER STORY."

GIVE ME THIS.

NO, NO, NO.

WHY ARE YOU TAKING OUR PRESENTS, SANTA CLAUS?

WELL, UM...

THESE PRESENTS ARE BROKEN,

SO I'M TAKING THEM BACK TO MY WORKSHOP, MY DEAR.

I'LL FIX THEM UP THERE AND THEN BRING THEM BACK HERE.

THAT'S FROM "THE GRINCH."

OH, YOU'VE SEEN THAT?

WHO ATE ALL THE COOKIES?

SANTA.

I THINK I BETTER CALL THE POLICE.

NO, NO NEED FOR THAT. JUST GO BACK TO BED.

WHEN YOU WAKE UP, YOU CAN OPEN YOUR PRESENTS.

BUT I CAN'T GO TO SLEEP WITHOUT A BEDTIME STORY.

I GOT A GREAT CHRISTMAS STORY RIGHT HERE.

"FROM MODEST BEGINNINGS IN MEMPHIS, TENNESSEE,

"TO FAME AND FORTUNE IN HOLLYWOOD,

CYBILL SHEPHERD HAS SEEN IT ALL."

"NOW YOU CAN SEE CYBILL IN HER SYNDICATED TALK SHOW,

"'MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS.'

CONSULT YOUR LOCAL LISTINGS."

THE END.

[ Voice breaking ] CYBILL HAS BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH.

Shhh. Let's take her to her room

and get out of here.

WE WANT A STORY, TOO.

OKAY.

"THIS WEEK ON E! 'CELEBRITY HOMES,'

JEFF GOLDBLUM'S SANTA FE GETAWAY."

THANK YOU.

CAITLIN, I'M SORRY YOU BUMPED YOUR HEAD.

AT LEAST THE SNOW KEPT THE SWELLING DOWN.

THANKS, CARTER.

THAT TOTALLY TAKES MY MIND OFF THE FROSTBITE.

I'M ALSO SORRY ABOUT THE WAY I BEHAVED.

I GIVE YOU THIS BIG LECTURE ABOUT VOLUNTEERING,

AND I SPENT THE WHOLE DAY PLAYING BOARD GAMES AND GABBING.

I DID NOTHING FOR THESE PEOPLE.

NOTHING?

YOU TALKED TO US

AND PLAYED GAMES WITH US, LIKE YOU DO EVERY YEAR.

YOU'RE OUR FAVORITE.

WHAT ABOUT ME?

I SHOVELED THE DAMN WALK.

WHO CARES WHO SHOVELED THE WALK?

I HAVEN'T BEEN OUT THAT DOOR IN EIGHT YEARS.

HONEY, WE APPRECIATE WHAT YOU DID,

BUT IF YOU REALLY WANT TO HELP,

JUST SPEND SOME TIME WITH US THE WAY CARTER DOES.

THAT'S ALL I HAVE TO DO TO MAKE YOU HAPPY?

YES!

GREAT! I'M UP FOR ANYTHING.

GOOD -- I HAVE ALL THE "JERRY LEWIS TELETHONS"

ON VIDEOTAPE.

LET'S START AT 1984 AND WORK OUR WAY UP.

ACTUALLY, I THINK I'LL SHOVEL THE WALK SOME MORE.

I THINK I'LL HELP HER.

Where's Charlie?

There's no way I can hand out these toys.

He said he has a plan, and he'll be right back -- just cover.

Okay.

WELL, LET'S HAVE ANOTHER "HOLDING YOUR BREATH" CONTEST!

BILLY WON THE LAST ONE WITH TWO MINUTES.

WHERE IS BILLY?

[ LAUGHING ] WHAT ARE YOU SMILING ABOUT?

I JUST CAME UP WITH A ZINGER FOR THE MAYOR'S CARD.

YOU READY?

"ON THE FOOT OF CITY HALL,

YOU'RE THE BIG MISTLETOE."

[ LAUGHING ] WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WHAT DO YOU THINK I THINK?

OH, GOD, I WROTE IT IN PEN!

SORRY I'M LATE.

WHERE DID YOU GO?

I went to the police station and picked up Clyde.

He's a drug-sniffing dog.

KEEP DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING. EVERYTHING'S COVERED.

OKAY...

LET'S HAND OUT SOME TOYS!

YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY!

OKAY, FIRST UP -- "TO TIMMY, FROM SANTA."

TIMMY, HERE.

HO-HO-HO...

BUT FIRST, AS PER TRADITION,

WE WILL WAVE THE PRESENT IN FRONT OF CLYDE THE REINDEER

FOR A CHRISTMAS BLESSING.

THIS ONE'S CLEAN.

TIMMY, MERRY CHRISTMAS! HO-HO-HO!

"TO BONNIE, FROM SANTA."

BONNIE!

BONNIE.

WHAT'D I GIVE YOU? WHAT'D I GIVE YOU?

OH, EASY-BAKE OVEN!

OH, I USED TO LOVE...

...WATCHING MY SISTER BAKE WHILE I PLAYED SPORTS.

LET'S SPEED THIS UP, HUH?

THIS ONE'S CLEAN.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, CARLOS!

HO-HO-HO!

AND FINALLY, "FOR CINDY."

AH, CINDY.

[ BARKS ]

WE GOTTA KEEP THIS ONE.

BUT I WANT MY PRESENT!

Trust me, you don't want to open this box.

WHY? WHAT WILL I GET?

15 to 20.

THIS IS THE WORST CHRISTMAS EVER!

WHAT'S GOING ON, CHARLIE?

OKAY...

THE TRUTH IS --

THE TRUTH IS...

THAT CHRISTMAS ISN'T ABOUT PRESENTS AND TOYS.

SOMETIMES DURING THE HOLIDAY SEASON,

WE FORGET ABOUT WHAT'S TRULY IMPORTANT --

FRIENDS AND FAM...ILIARITY,

AND THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT.

YOU KNOW, CINDY,

SOMETIMES THE BEST CHRISTMAS GIFTS

ARE THE ONES YOU CAN'T BUY.

HERE, CINDY,

YOU CAN SHARE MY GIFT.

AND MINES, TOO.

THANK YOU, SANTA.

AH, YOU'RE WELCOME, CINDY.

HEY!

WHY DON'T WE ALL GO OUTSIDE AND HAVE A SNOWBALL FIGHT?

YAY! YAY! YAY!

HO-HO!

HO-HO-HO!

HO-HO-HO-LY CRAP! THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE!

NICE WORK, SIR. THAT WAS AN AMAZING SPEECH.

AH-H, I GUESS IT WAS OKAY.

OKAY?! IT WAS GREAT!

TWO OF THE REPORTERS WERE CRYING.

THREE, BUT ONE OF 'EM HAD HER OWN STUFF GOING ON.

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO IT, SIR.

YOU HAVE THIS ABILITY TO SPEAK TO AN AUDIENCE

AND MAKE EACH PERSON FEEL LIKE YOU'RE TALKING JUST TO THEM.

YEAH, I CAN HANDLE THE DETAILS,

BUT I COULD NEVER DO WHAT YOU DO.

I GUESS THAT'S WHY YOU'RE THE MAYOR.

I'VE ALWAYS FOUND PUBLIC SPEAKING

EASIER THAN TALKING WITH A PERSON ONE-ON-ONE.

I JUST CAN'T DEAL WITH THE AWKWARD SILENCES...

SO I END UP BLURTING OUT SOMETHING INAPPROPRIATE.

OH.

YEAH.

I HAVE A LOW SPERM COUNT.

WELL, MAYBE SANTA CAN BRING YOU MORE.

OH.

WHAT DO YOU SAY WE JOIN THE SNOWBALL FIGHT?

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

HO-HO-HO!

I SAW THAT, PAUL! YOU'RE A DEAD MAN!

AH, COME ON, CHARLIE -- IT'S ALL IN GOOD FUN.

STUART, YOU'RE FIRED!

I'VE LOST CONFIDENCE IN THIS MISTLETOE THING.

I'LL SWITCH MY NAME WITH STUART'S.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY!

HERE YOU ARE, SIR. AH.

OH, STUART'S RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE.

"ON THE FOOT OF CITY HALL, YOU'RE THE BIG MISTLETOE."

IT'S A PUN! IT DOESN'T GET ANY FUNNIER THAN THAT!

[ LAUGHING ]

- SIT, UBU, SIT. GOOD DOG. - [DOG BARKS]

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