Original subtitles

HEY. HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND?

NONEXISTENT -- THE MAYOR ASKED ME TO PREPARE A REPORT.

I SPENT THE WHOLE TIME IN THIS CHAIR.

WOW -- 48 HOURS WITHOUT FEMALE COMPANIONSHIP.

I NEVER SAID � THAT.

TELL HIM YOU'RE OVERWORKED. HE'LL UNDERSTAND.

CAITLIN, THINGS LIKE TALKING AND UNDERSTANDING

ONLY WORK FOR WOMEN.

GUYS DON'T DO ALL THAT "BLAH BLAH."

WHICH REMINDS ME,

I WENT INTO YOUR DESK AND TOOK A COUPLE CAFFEINE PILLS.

THOSE PILLS ARE FOR PMS.

WELL, THEY DON'T WORK.

I'M STILL CRANKY.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS. AT LEAST LET ME HELP YOU.

NO, I GOTTA DO IT MYSELF.

I CAN'T PAWN OFF MY WORK ON SOMEBODY ELSE.

THE MAYOR AND THE CITY ARE COUNTING ON ME.

WE'RE ALL COUNTING ON YOU, BATMAN.

WHERE'S PAUL?

THE MEETING STARTS AT 10:00.

I'D LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT I WAS ON TIME.

BECAUSE I TOLD YOU THE MEETING STARTED AT 9 :00.

HEY, GUYS.

PAUL, IS THAT A NEW SUIT?

YEAH. HOW'D YOU KNOW?

THE BAGGIE WITH BUTTONS WAS A TIP-OFF.

HEY, WATCH IT, WATCH IT, WATCH IT WITH THAT COFFEE.

I'M TAKING THIS THING BACK TOMORROW.

HOLD ON -- NEW SUIT, YOUR POWER TIE --

TODAY'S THE BAGEL.

WHAT'S THE BAGEL?

EVERY YEAR PAUL ASKS THE MAYOR FOR A RAISE,

AND EVERY YEAR HE GETS...

THE BAGEL.

NOT THIS YEAR!

THIS YEAR I AM NOT TAKING NO FOR AN ANSWER.

NOR AM I TAKING "ARE YOU KIDDING?,"

"WHAT, ARE YOU HIGH?," OR "NO HABLE INGL�S."

SORRY I'M LATE --

IT'S MY TURN TO LOSE TO THE MAYOR IN RACQUETBALL.

NICE SUIT.

HEY! IS TODAY THE BAGEL?

WELL, MY PLANS ARE ALL SET.

WHAT PLANS?

CARTER'S GOT A HOT DATE FOR THE GAY BALL.

IT IS NOT A GAY BALL.

IT'S A FORMAL DANCE GALA FOR ALTERNATIVE-LIFESTYLE ARTISTS.

I'D GO WITH "GAY BALL."

IT SOUNDS LESS GAY.

BETTER BE HOME BY MIDNIGHT,

OR YOUR MIATA WILL TURN INTO A PUMPKIN.

AT LEAST MY DATES DON'T SHOW UP WITH A MANAGER AND A BOOMBOX.

ACTUALLY, CARTER, YOU DON'T HAVE A DATE.

SEAN JUST CALLED. HE HAD TO CANCEL.

CANCELED? UH! IT'S TONIGHT.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET ANOTHER DATE

AT SUCH SHORT NOTICE?

CARTER, I'M FLATTERED, BUT, UH...

I GOT TOO MUCH WORK TO DO.

HOW ABOUT YOU, CAITLIN?

DO YOU KNOW ANYBODY?

YOU'RE KIND OF CHOOSY.

CHOOSY? ALL I WANT IS A GUY WHO'S SMART, WELL-TRAVELED,

RUGGED YET STYLISH,

WHO PREFERS TO READ PROUST IN FRENCH.

LET'S JUST OPEN THE PHONE BOOK AND PICK A NAME.

ANGIE, CAN YOU HELP?

SURE. I'LL GET CAITLIN THE PHONE BOOK.

HEY.

WHY AREN'T YOU ASKING ME FOR HELP?

STUART, I DON'T TRUST YOU TO PICK OUT PRODUCE.

YOU DON'T KNOW ANY GAY PEOPLE.

THIS IS NEW YORK.

YOU CAN'T SWING A TANK TOP WITHOUT HITTING A GAY GUY.

I DON'T WANT JUST ANY GUY. HE HAS TO BE SPECIAL.

I SAID NO.

LET IT GO.

"43% OF THE 1999 SURPLUS EQUALS $611,4-- "

WE'RE 15 MINUTES LATE FOR OUR 1:30

AT THE 21 CLUB ON 52nd STREET.

THANKS.

I'M TOO BUSY TO GO TO LUNCH.

OH, HEY, GUYS.

YOU KNOW WHAT TODAY IS?

YES, SIR. I KNOW. THE REPORT'S DUE.

NO, IT'S THE BAGEL.

THIS YEAR MY TOP THREE REJECTION CHOICES ARE

THE FAKE-SOMBER, "I'M SORRY, BUT NO,"

THE MISLEAD...

..."NO,"

OR MY PERSONAL FAVORITE, THE AL PACINO --

"HOO-AH!"

"NO."

I ALWAYS LIKED THE GARY COLEMAN --

"WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT, PAUL?!"

YEAH, THAT'S GOOD.

I FEEL LIKE I COULD BLOW OFF SOME STEAM BEFORE THE BAGEL.

HOW ABOUT WE PLAY A LITTLE RACQUETBALL?

SIR, I DON'T KNOW.

YOU HAVE TOO MUCH WORK? NOTHING I CAN'T HANDLE.

GOOD! THEN I GUESS YOU'LL HAVE TIME

TO SUMMARIZE THESE REPORTS FOR ME.

GREAT. NOW I'VE GOT EVEN MORE WORK,

WHICH I CAN'T DO BECAUSE I'LL BE TOO BUSY

TRYING TO LOSE IN RACQUETBALL.

TALK TO HIM, OR YOU'LL BE COMPLAINING BEHIND HIS BACK

BUT SMILING TO HIS FACE.

OH, AND CAN YOU PICK UP A CAN OF BALLS?

LOVE TO.

CAITLIN, I APPRECIATE YOU HELPING ME FIND CARTER A GUY.

THE LINEN HUT IS DEFINITELY THE RIGHT PLACE TO LOOK.

LET'S GET TO IT.

EXCUSE ME.

I'M LOOKING FOR THE GAY PEOPLE.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO BE MORE SUBTLE.

I'LL LAY OUT SOME BAIT.

* I'LL TUMBLE FOR YA

* I'LL TUMBLE FOR YA

* I'LL TUMBLE --

LET ME HANDLE THIS. I CAN TELL WHEN A MAN'S GAY.

HOW? I SEND OUT "THE LOOK."

IF I DON'T GET THE LOOK BACK, WE MOVE IN FOR THE KILL.

LET'S GIVE THIS ONE A TRY.

[ GIGGLES ]

HI. I COULDN'T HELP NOTICING, BUT YOU'RE GAY, AREN'T YOU?

NO, I'M NOT.

EXCUSE ME, BUT, YES, YOU ARE.

A COUPLE YEARS OF THERAPY --

HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT.

TOO GOOD, SIR.

AHH. COME ON, CHARLIE! PUT UP A FIGHT!

TOO MUCH TABASCO, HUH?

MAYBE YOU SHOULD SPEND A LITTLE MORE TIME PRACTICING

AND A LITTLE LESS TIME SHUFFLING PAPERS.

Shuffling papers.

COME ON, NANCY BOY.

SHOW ME SOMETHIN'.

[ THEME FROM "CHARIOTS OF FIRE" PLAYS ]

I THOUGHT YOU WERE LEFT-HANDED.

NOT ANYMORE.

I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO MEET THIS GUY.

HE'S PERFECT!

IF YOU DON'T TAKE HIM, I WILL.

I'LL BELIEVE IT WHEN I SEE IT.

BACK OFF. HE'S MINE.

ROBERT, THIS IS CARTER. CARTER, ROBERT.

HEY. GOOD TO MEET YOU.

ARE THOSE MADELEINES?

YES.

THESE COOKIES REMIND ME OF PROUST.

"THE TASTE WAS THAT OF THE LITTLE PIECE OF MADELEINE,

Both: "WHICH STARTED SUNDAY MORNINGS AT COMBRAY."

I LOVE PROUST!

BUT ONLY IN THE ORIGINAL FRENCH.

YES!

WHAT'S THIS PROUST STUFF? IS THAT LIKE GAY PORN?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO AND GET A CUP OF COFFEE?

SURE.

CAITLIN...

HOW'S IT GOIN'?

WHY ARE YOU IN SUCH A GOOD MOOD?

OH, I JUST BEAT THE MAYOR AT RACQUETBALL.

IT WAS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED.

ARE YOU CRAZY? NOBODY BEATS THE MAYOR.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

HE SUCKS.

ONCE MY COMPETITIVE INSTINCTS KICKED IN,

I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF.

PEOPLE LET HIM WIN TO BUILD HIS CONFIDENCE.

CAITLIN, GIVE THE MAYOR SOME CREDIT.

HE'S NOT GONNA LOSE HIS CONFIDENCE

OVER A COUPLE OF GAMES OF RACQUETBALL.

FOR EIGHT STRAIGHT YEARS YOU'VE TURNED ME DOWN.

WELL, NO MORE.

MR. MAYOR, I WANT A RAISE.

OKAY.

AND A ROWING MACHINE.

SURE.

YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!

CHARLIE, DO SOMETHING.

I'M GONNA GO TAKE SOME MORE OF YOUR PILLS.

YOU COULDN'T TELL THE MAYOR HE WAS OVERWORKING YOU.

YOU HAD TO KEEP IT ALL PENT UP.

NOW HE CAN'T SAY NO TO ANYBODY.

THIS MORNING HE BOUGHT $500 OF BEAUTY PRODUCTS

FROM SOME PUSHY AVON LADY.

IF HE WANTS TO BUY A LITTLE HAND CREAM,

WHAT'S THE HARM?

DO I SMELL APRICOT?

YEAH. FEEL THIS. I'M TURNING BACK THE CLOCK.

WE HAVE A MAJOR BUDGET NEGOTIATION,

AND THE MAYOR'S GONNA CAVE IN JUST LIKE HE CAVED IN TO PAUL.

THE ONLY THING PAUL'S GONNA GET OUT OF THE MAYOR

IS A FOAMING CITRUS BATH BALM.

HEY, GUYS!

CHARLIE, YOU'VE GOTTA GIVE THE MAYOR A REMATCH,

AND YOU'VE GOTTA LET HIM WIN.

FINE. PAUL, YOU GOT THAT PRESS RELEASE?

THANKS.

HEY. I MET ROBERT. YOU DID A GREAT JOB.

I'M SHOCKED, BECAUSE WHEN I LEFT THE STORE,

YOU WERE GETTING DESPERATE.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I HAD A PLAN.

YOU WERE ON THE LOUDSPEAKER SHOUTING,

"WILL THE MAN IN TIGHT PANTS

REPORT TO CUSTOMER SERVICE?"

IT WAS A STAMPEDE,

BUT NONE OF THEM WERE RIGHT FOR CARTER.

WHAT DOES ROBERT DO?

HE'S AN ACTOR.

REALLY? HAVE I SEEN HIM IN ANYTHING?

WELL, LAST NIGHT HE PLAYED THE ROLE OF CARTER'S BOYFRIEND.

YOU HIRED AN ACTOR?!

I TOLD HIM EVERYTHING TO SAY.

THAT PROUST STUFF -- MINE.

HERE'S THE KICKER --

HE'S NOT EVEN GAY.

I'M BRILLIANT. I THOUGHT OF EVERYTHING.

WHAT IF CARTER LIKES HIM AND WANTS TO SEE HIM AGAIN?

I DIDN'T THINK OF THAT.

WELL, YOU SAID IT YOURSELF -- CARTER IS VERY CHOOSY.

CHANCES ARE HE WON'T WANT TO SEE HIM AGAIN.

IT WAS A MAHOGANY ROLL-TOP WRITERS' DESK

THAT I SAW ON "ANTIQUE ROADSHOW."

YOU WATCH "ANTIQUE ROADSHOW"?

IT'S MY FAVORITE PROGRAM.

HI, GUYS.

THE MAYOR WANTS TO SEE YOU.

PROBABLY WANTS TO DISCUSS SOME HIGH-LEVEL STRATEGY.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? I BOOKED YOU FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY.

BUT MY AGENT TOLD ME THAT IF I CAN PLAY GAY,

IT'LL OPEN UP A LOT OF OPPORTUNITIES.

I CAN'T GET TRAINING LIKE THIS ANYWHERE ELSE.

YOU CAN'T LEAD CARTER ON LIKE THIS.

NOW, YOU TELL HIM IT'S OVER. JUST...LET HIM DOWN EASY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'LL DO?

I'LL GIVE HIM A LITTLE OF THE BREAKUP

OF "THE BRIDGES OF MADISON COUNTY,"

AND THEN I'LL BRING IT HOME

WITH THE RAW EMOTION OF "THE WAY WE WERE."

ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT GAY?

THAT GUARANTEES MY EXTRA VACATION.

AND, UH, JUST SIGN RIGHT THERE

TO APPROVE MY SALTWATER FISHTANK.

PAUL, SOMEBODY WANTS YOU OUTSIDE.

WHO?

EVERYBODY IN HERE.

SOMEBODY JUST LOST HIS ROWING PRIVILEGES.

SIR, IF YOU'RE NOT TOO BUSY,

I THOUGHT WE COULD SQUEEZE IN

A LITTLE REMATCH THIS AFTERNOON.

YOU SHOULD FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF, CHARLIE.

YOU BEAT A MAN TWICE YOUR AGE WITH A BAD HAMSTRING

FAIR AND SQUARE.

CHARLIE, COULD YOU GIVE US A SECOND?

His hamstring was fine.

SIR, THAT WAS VERY BIG OF YOU.

THAT'S THE KIND OF GUY I AM.

WHAT DID I DO?

YOU LET CHARLIE BEAT YOU AT RACQUETBALL,

AND YOU'RE SELFLESSLY LETTING HIM SAVOR VICTORY.

EVERYONE IN THE OFFICE IS TALKING ABOUT IT.

ARE THEY?

YES! I MEAN, CAN'T YOU SEE IT?

YOU'VE NEVER LOST. YOU MUST HAVE THROWN THIS ONE.

WELL, OF COURSE I DID.

AND OBVIOUSLY THERE'S A GOOD REASON WHY I DID THAT?

CLEARLY YOU SENSED THAT CHARLIE WAS DOWN

AND NEEDED A LITTLE EGO BOOST.

YOU SEE RIGHT THROUGH ME.

WHOO! WAY TO GO, MR. MAYOR.

[ Thinking ] I AM ON FIRE.

[ Thinking ] JUST LET HIM WIN.

JUST LET HIM WIN.

UGH!

NICE SHOT, SIR.

THANK YOU.

[ Thinking ] THAT WAS A HORRIBLE SHOT.

CHARLIE'S BETTER THAN THAT.

WAIT A SECOND.

HE'S TRYING TO LET ME WIN.

HE'S TRYING TO BE THE BIGGER MAN.

I'M THE BIGGER MAN.

I'LL SHOW HIM HOW TO LOSE.

EXCELLENT PLAY, CHARLIE.

EAT THAT, SUCKER.

HEY, CARTER, I GOT -- OH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

CARTER AND I JUST FINISHED DINNER.

HE'S OUT GETTING ICE CREAM.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BREAK UP WITH HIM.

I WAS GOING TO, BUT MY AGENT CALLED.

I'M UP FOR THE PART OF A GAY HIT MAN.

NOBODY MANIPULATES MY ROOMMATE,

ESPECIALLY SOME GUY I HIRED TO PRETEND TO BE HIS BOYFRIEND.

NO. WHEN CARTER GETS BACK,

TELL HIM YOU'RE GOING TO COSTA RICA

TO SAVE THE RAIN FOREST.

CARTER WILL LOVE THAT.

HEY, GUYS.

I GOT MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP.

CAN YOU BELIEVE WE HAVE THE SAME FAVORITE ICE CREAM?

I CHECKED THE FREEZER AND IMPROVVED.

HEY, CARTER...

ROBERT HAS SOMETHING HE HAS TO TELL YOU.

WHAT IS IT?

MY NAME ISN'T ROBERT.

IT'S...EDUARDO ARTISTE,

AND I AM AN OPENLY GAY HIT MAN.

WOW.

WHAT A SHOCKING ENDING

TO A BRIEF BUT WONDERFUL RELATIONSHIP.

ADIOS, EDUARDO.

WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON HERE?

I COULDN'T FIND YOU A DATE, SO...

I HIRED AN ACTOR.

OOH!

OH, MY GOD.

HE'S GOTTEN WORSE SINCE YESTERDAY.

COME ON, CHARLIE. CONCENTRATE.

FIND THE WILL TO LOSE.

[ STRAUSS' "BLUE DANUBE" PLAYS ]

GREAT MATCH, SIR. YOU WERE TOO GOOD TODAY.

Caitlin: YEP, TOO GOOD.

MAYOR WINS RACQUETBALL -- EVERYTHING BACK TO NORMAL.

YOU COULDN'T LET ME LOSE, COULD YOU, CRAWFORD?

YOU HAD TO BE THE BIGGER MAN.

WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, SIR,

THIS WHOLE RACQUETBALL THING HAS GOTTEN A LITTLE WEIRD.

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'VE GOT SOME MORE WORK TO DO.

YEAH, GO DO WORK! THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE GOOD AT!

WHAT IS WRONG, SIR?

CAN'T YOU BE BAD AT ANYTHING?!

I'M PRETTY BAD AT KNOWING WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!

CARTER, YOU CAN'T IGNORE ME FOREVER.

LET ME GET YOU A CUP OF COFFEE.

WILL IT BE COFFEE OR TEA ACTING LIKE COFFEE?

WOULD YOU RELAX?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE WITH SOMEONE

WHO'S THERE BECAUSE HE'S BEING PAID?!

BAD EXAMPLE.

BUT I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE LIVID IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!

CARTER, EASY, EASY.

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOU!

I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU! STAY OUT OF MY LIFE!

CARTER, DON'T GET SO RILED UP.

WE ALL KNOW STUART CAN BE INSENSITIVE FROM TIME TO TIME,

BUT THAT'S WHO HE IS.

THANKS, PAUL.

YES, HE'S A SELFISH, CRUDE, VINDICTIVE BASTARD.

OKAY. I CAN TAKE IT FROM HERE.

AND EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE HE THINKS IT'S FUNNY

WHEN HE SEWS AN ANCHOVY INTO THE LINING OF YOUR JACKET

SO YOU GET KICKED OFF THE AIRPLANE

BECAUSE YOU'RE MAKING ALL THE PASSENGERS SICK!

EASY, PAUL.

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU!

I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU! STAY OUT OF MY LIFE!

HEH HEH HEH.

SO, UH, WAS IT WORTH IT, STUART?

DID YOU GET A BIG LAUGH AT MY EXPENSE?

I WAS JUST TRYING TO DO YOU A FAVOR.

BY HUMILIATING ME?

HOW DO YOU THINK I FELT

WHEN I OFFERED HELP AND YOU LAUGHED?

IN WHAT WORLD WOULD I GO TO STUART BONDEK TO FIND ME A GUY?!

YOU DON'T KNOW THE FIRST THING ABOUT ME OR WHAT I WANT.

SO I SUPPOSE IT WAS JUST A COINCIDENCE

THAT ROBERT LIKED MILES DAVIS, "ANTIQUE ROADSHOW,"

AND MALLOMAR COOKIES.

YOU THINK YOU KNOW ME SO WELL -- WHAT'S MY FAVORITE BOOK?

"GRAPES OF WRATH."

FAVORITE MONOPOLY PIECE?

THE SHOE.

FAVORITE MOVIE?

YOU CLAIM IT'S "CITIZEN KANE,"

BUT IT'S REALLY "MEATBALLS."

OH, MY GOD.

34 YEARS OLD,

AND THE PERSON WHO KNOWS ME BEST

IS AN EMOTIONALLY STUNTED PORN ENTHUSIAST.

I PREFER "ADULT-FILM AFICIONADO."

AND YOU'RE 35.

[ CHUCKLES ]

LOOK, I'M SORRY ABOUT ROBERT.

IT WAS A STUPID IDEA.

ARE WE OKAY?

YEAH.

YEAH, YEAH, WE'RE OKAY.

FAVORITE STRONGMAN EVENT?

THE LOG TOSS.

DAMN!

COME ON!

[ GRUNTING ]

SIR, IS THIS A BAD TIME?

NO. WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?

UH, ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED BEFORE --

WHY...WON'T...THIS...BREAK?!

SIR, IF I MAY?

THE KEY IS TO GET IT RIGHT ABOVE THE HANDLE.

FEEL LIKE A BIG MAN NOW, MR. RACKET BREAKER?

SIR, I THINK MAYBE IT'S TIME THAT WE TRY TO COMMUNICATE.

WHAT ARE YOU, A GIRL?

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

YOU ASK ME TO PLAY RACQUETBALL -- I PLAY.

YOU PILE WORK ON ME -- I DO IT.

NOT ONCE DO I COMPLAIN OR ASK FOR HELP.

DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU

THAT I WANTED YOU TO ASK ME FOR HELP --

THAT I'D LIKE TO FEEL NEEDED?

THAT'S WHAT'S BOTHERING YOU?

MAYBE.

YOU GAVE ME A CHANCE WHEN NO ONE ELSE WOULD.

I WANTED TO SHOW YOU YOU DIDN'T MAKE A MISTAKE.

THE TRUTH IS, SIR,

I CAN'T DO THIS JOB WITHOUT YOUR HELP.

I MEAN, I'M STRESSED OUT. I HAVEN'T SLEPT.

OH, YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT TO MAKE ME FEEL GOOD.

NO. I'M LOSING HAIR. I'M DEVELOPING AN ULCER.

WELL, THAT'S FANTASTIC!

DON'T GET YOUR HOPES UP,

BUT MY CHOLESTEROL LEVELS ARE DANGEROUSLY HIGH.

[ CHUCKLES ]

WELL, SO IT'S DECIDED, THEN.

FROM NOW ON, WE'RE GOING TO HELP EACH OTHER --

WORK AS A TEAM.

I'M GLAD WE HAD THIS TALK.

DO ME A FAVOR?

IF CAITLIN ASKS,

WE SETTLED THIS BY ARM-WRESTLING.

OOH, YOU ARE LOSING HAIR.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

I JUST PURCHASED A DWARF BARRACUDA,

SO I NEED YOU TO SIGN THIS SO I CAN BE REIMBURSED.

HOO-AH!

NO.

SIR, YOU CAN'T RETURN A DWARF BARRACUDA.

IT'S GONNA TAKE ALL MY PAY RAISE

T-TO PAY FOR IT.

TALK TO HIM, CHARLIE.

WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT, PAUL?

JUST LET HIM WIN.

JUST LET HIM WIN.

THAT'S LONG ENOUGH. THAT'S LONG ENOUGH.

OOH.

[ SIGHS ]

BEST TWO OUT OF THREE?

SURE.

HUH!

JUST LET HIM WIN.

JUST LET HIM WIN.

I MEAN...

JUST LET HIM WIN.

- [MAN] SIT, UBU, SIT. GOOD DOG. - [UBU BARKS]

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