Original subtitles

♫ Ground floor perfumery

♫ Stationery and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery

♫ Kitchenware and food, going up

♫ First floor telephones

♫ Gents, ready-made suits,

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats,

♫ Underwear and shoes, going up ♫

- Thank you so much, madam, good afternoon.

- Well, in lingerie, pants are up and bras are down.

- But, isn't it the other way around, aye, Mrs. Slocombe?

- Now, now, Captain Peacock,

you mustn't say things like that

in front of my little assistant.

- Don't worry about me.

I don't wear 'em.

Bras, I mean.

- I'm sure it's against staff regulations.

But still, I'm always prepared to look the other way.

- Yeah, you could've fooled me.

- Ooh, I have no time for that man.

He's got such cold eyes. - And such hot hands.

- Well, I wouldn't know about that.

If he tried anything like that with me, I'll slap his chops.

Mr. Lucas has got a customer, oh, I am glad!

Yeah.

But, he doesn't sell 'em anything, though.

- Oh, it is a shame.

It's so obliging.

And he's such a gentleman.

You know, yesterday, when we were trapped in the lift,

alone, together.

He didn't try anything.

- No.

He just pressed the alarm bell and shouted for help.

- Well, I think that fits very snugly,

don't you, Mr. Humphries?

- Oh, very snugly, Mr. Granger.

- Oh no, I think those will ride up with wear, sir,

don't you think, Mr. Humphries?

- Oh, they'll definitely ride up, Mr. Granger.

- Now, if you would just raise your arms up and down, sir,

so we can see, yes, snug underneath the arms, yes.

I think that's snug, don't you?

- Oh, there's plenty of ride there, Mr. Granger,

enough to conduct a symphony orchestra.

- Not in a sports coat, Mr. Humphries.

- It seems to be shorter at the front, than at the back.

- That's because you're standing upright, sir.

One does tend to do that,

when one is trying on new garments.

- Oh yes, sir, yes.

You see, if I stand upright, like this, well,

I'm up at the front, aren't I, Mr. Granger?

- You certainly are, Mr. Humphries.

- Why don't you try to stoop a little, sir?

- Yes, perhaps, a little more.

There you are, you see?

Perfect.

- Now, may I suggest a pair of trousers, sir,

to complete the ensemble?

- Oh, definitely a pair of trousers, Mr. Granger!

Isn't that extraordinary?

Did you know, it was on the tip of my tongue, to say brown?

- A very wise choice, sir.

You can hardly go wrong with brown.

- You can wear any kind of shoes, except black.

- Well, it was 31, I think.

- Would you like me to check it, Mr. Granger?

- No thank you, Mr. Humphries.

I can manage.

- Your trust.

- I can manage, now, tape, Mr. Humphries.

- Tape, Mr. Lucas. - Tape, Mr. Humphries.

- Tape, Mr. Granger. - Thank you, Mr. Humphries.

- Failed.

- Made in England, Mr. Granger.

- 31-and-a-half, Mr. Granger.

- Thank you, Mr. Humphries.

I don't think that was very funny, Mr. Lucas.

- Nearly gave me a heart attack.

- Mr. Lucas, get me a pair of brown, 40/31 on the hub.

- Well no, I can't, I've got a 34 in the fitting room.

- I'll get them for you, Mr. Granger.

You know, with your sales record,

I wouldn't chance my arm with the practical jokes.

- Well, I've got to relieve them, and utterly, somehow.

You know, that fellow,

my customer's tried on so many jackets,

he's practically worn his shirt out.

Wish he'd hurry up and make his mind up.

- Well, I wanna get over there and chat up Shirley.

- Ms. Brahms.

- Oh, we're on first name terms now, are we?

- Yes, about as far as we have got.

- I wouldn't have thought she was your type.

- Well she's not, mine's got measles.

- Don't let Peacock see you fraternizing over there.

Otherwise, you'll get the rough edge of his tongue.

And I can tell you, it isn't very pleasant.

- I know what, I'll send her a note.

Here, lend me your pencil.

A bit short on lead, aren't you?

- Dear Sexy Knickers... - Oh, that's subtle.

- Well, if you don't ask, you don't get, do ya?

I don't half-fancy you.

- Well, I'm glad to see romance isn't dead.

- Meet me outside at 5:30, and we'll get it together.

You'll be run in.

- Oh, you've decided on that one, have you, sir?

- Well, I like the patent,

but that jacket's much too tight under the arms.

- Well, it's the biggest one we've got, sir.

- They do vary, sir.

Perhaps, if sir would like to try on the trousers,

I'll have a look. - Oh, thank you.

That's the only one we've got! - I know that.

Now, this is a little wrinkle worth knowing.

Come over here, I don't want Peacock to see.

Now, you've heard of putting the boot in.

This is what's known, in the trade,

as putting the knee in.

You see, you put it over like that.

Very crafty! - And you pull,

until you break all the stitches.

If you listen, you can hear them go.

There's a trick in every trade!

- Well, the trick in this, Mr. Lucas,

is to make sure that the customer gets it home,

before the sleeve drop off.

Mr. Humphries!

- Coming, Mr. Granger!

- Good news, sir, I found another one!

Sir.

Would you mind, sir, we're in front of the hall.

You can be seen by the whole ladies department.

- Oh, look!

A man in his shirttails!

- You've just missed it.

- It's that Mr. Lucas.

You know he does it deliberately.

- Oh, I'm sure he doesn't!

It's not his fault he's having to share the floor

with the men's department.

Oh, it's there again.

Look, in the fitting room.

His tiny shoe.

Oh, it's not good enough, oh, really.

- No, well,

it wouldn't make the center pages of Cosmopolitan.

- Now, that's something I just can't understand.

Why, anybody wants to buy a women's magazine,

with a picture of a nude man in it.

Oh, I think it's awful.

- I thought Burt Reynolds looked quite sexy.

- We couldn't see anything, his arm was in the way.

- Oh, that's much better.

- Oh, all the difference in the world, sir.

- No, I wouldn't do that, if I were you, sir.

I wouldn't do that, if I were you.

No, they'll come down, sir, with wear.

- Oh yes, sir, definitely.

In fact, the more you wear it,

the quicker they'll come down.

- Are you sure this is the same patent as the last one?

Looks a bit stronger to me. I assure you,

it's the same, sir!

Absolutely identical!

- I'm not often wrong about this sort of thing, you know.

- Well, you are this time.

- Nevertheless, I'd rather like to see the other one,

just to satisfy myself.

- Yes.

- Just a minute.

Mr. Humphries!

The customer would like to see the other jacket,

the smaller one, the one that he couldn't get on.

- Oh, what a pity!

Just sold it!

- Oh, too bad!

That's the trouble, you see, sir!

They're going like hot cakes today.

- Well, there's something wrong, here!

- When I go like this, one sleeve is shorter than the other.

Well, let's face it,

people don't very often stand like that, do they, sir?

Unless, of course, you're a midget pianist.

- Oh, perhaps you're right.

But, what about the trousers?

They're too tight!

- Yes, that, I think that did a catch on me.

- Well, under the-- - Yeah, definitely.

- Yes, well, fortunately, they vary in size too, sir,

the trousers, I mean.

Would you mind obliging, by drop, taking them off?

Sir, please, if you would.

- Yes, I'm free,

Captain Peacock.

I'm just going to have a word with Captain Peacock.

Take over for me, will you, Mr.--

- Yes, Mr. Granger.

- Ernest, I just had a complaint from Mrs. Slocombe,

about young Mr. Lucas.

- Go on.

- And apparently, he allowed one of his customers

to appear in full view of her department

in a state of undress.

- Oh, yes.

She saw the whole thing, quite clearly.

- Oh, well then, it's more serious than I thought.

It's a great pity, I think,

that we have to share this floor with the ladies department.

- I thought it was working out rather well.

- Well, I personally have a complaint to make also.

From a certain position in this department,

one can see, right through, into the ladies' fitting rooms.

Whereabout, chum?

- The corner of that counter.

- Thank you, Ernest.

I shall, I shall look into that.

And, if I, if I see anything,

I shall most certainly make a complaint

at the next monthly meeting.

- It is the fashion nowadays,

for trousers to be worn much longer, sir.

Isn't that right, Mr. Lucas?

- Oh yes, definitely, Mr. Humphries!

Jackets, very snug and tight,

and the trousers are very long.

It also helps to get

the shoes to get polished at the same time, you see?

- Thank you, Mr. Lucas. - That is, of course,

if they don't ride up with wear.

- Thank you, Mr. Lucas!

Well sir, if you'd like to slip them off,

I'll wrap them up with the jacket.

- Sir, now, would I allow you to leave this store,

if they were not?

Sale, Mr. Granger. - Sale, Mr. Granger.

- I'll make out a bill.

How did the new jacket fit?

- Oh, very snugly, Mr. Humphries.

I am just about to find the other pair of trousers.

- We don't need trousers, Mr. Lucas.

- No.

- Well, you might have told me before!

- Well, it was like this, you see, Mr. Peacock.

My customer's crotch was too tight,

and I was trying to stretch it, them!

I was trying to stretch them, sir.

- You seem to have succeeded beyond your wildest dreams.

This is a very serious matter, Mr. Lucas.

Mr. Humphries, are you free?

- Yes, at the moment.

- Ask Mr. Granger if he's free, to step this way.

- Excuse me.

Are you free, Mr. Granger?

- Yes, I'm free, Mr. Humphries.

- Captain Peacock would like a word with you.

- Yes.

Very well.

Do you encourage your assistants

to try to stretch trousers, when they don't fit?

- Most certainly not!

Do we, Mr. Humphries? - Certainly not, Mr. Granger!

We give them the same pair back,

and say we found a larger size.

- Certainly!

- I'm afraid I can't deal with this, Mr. Lucas.

Mr. Granger will carry on with your customer,

while I place these before Mr. Rumbold.

And, Mr. Lucas, hold yourself in readiness.

- What was your customer's waist measurement?

- A tight 34.

- Ticklish 28.

- You should've tried the reduced rail!

It's not your day, is it?

- No, it's not gonna be my night, either,

unless I can get this note to Shirley!

- If Peacock sees you over there,

you might as well ask for your cards

and leave with dignity.

- Well, how am I gonna get this note to her?

- Well, try and attract her attention,

get her over here.

- She's seen me, she's seen me!

- Well, beckon her over!

- That's done it!

Mr. Lucas wants to see me in the men's department.

I think it's about that complaint.

- Well, you've probably got him into trouble!

- Talk your way out of this.

- Yes, I'm afraid I am, Mrs. Slocombe.

- I do hope that my complaint

hasn't caused you any inconvenience.

- My complaint.

- Blimey, you haven't got measles as well, have you?

- I mean, I wouldn't want to get you into trouble.

- And vice versa.

- But, you were so marvelous to me in the lift yesterday.

I mean, it isn't that I mind seeing a man

without his trousers on.

- Do you require anything in my department, Mrs. Slocombe?

- Sounds as thought she's already had it.

- I was merely thanking young Mr. Lucas

for being so good in the lift yesterday,

when we were stuck between floors.

- I see.

- And I hope that I haven't got him into trouble,

over our little affair this morning.

- Correct me if I'm wrong, Mr. Lucas,

but do I understand that you've gotten Mrs. Slocombe

into trouble in the lift yesterday?

You had an affair with her, this morning,

in her department?

- I'm sorry to disappoint you, but, yes, you're wrong!

- Oh, what a pity.

I thought things were going to liven up a bit.

- You mean to say that, you, yourself,

actually tore these trousers,

because we hadn't got a larger size?

Now, what was this, temper?

- Well, no, no, no, no sir!

You know, you see, it was like this, sir.

Mr. Humphries kneed the jacket.

- You mean, Mr. Humphries needed the jacket.

Let's get our tenses right.

- No, no, you don't understand, sir.

No, you see, I kneed the jacket.

- No, I kneed it then.

- You mean, you needed it then.

- If I might clarify the situation, there.

- Thank you, Captain Peacock.

It does seem to have got rather out of hand.

- It's a matter of spelling, sir.

- Yes sir, you spelled need, with an N.

Mr. Humphries was using a K.

- Oh, you mean, like kneading dough!

Is that it, Mr. Lucas? - That's it, yes!

I needed the dough, but he wouldn't want the jacket,

because it was too tight!

- So, you've kneaded it, to make it more supple,

which was why you kneaded the jacket.

You made a call, Captain Peacock.

That is what I said in the first place.

- Nearly right, so, yes.

What they're trying to explain, sir,

is that, and coming from hard wear,

you would not be aware of this, but there is a method used,

and I disapprove of it myself, sir.

There is a method used, to enlarge the armholes of jackets.

And the method used, is to knee the jacket, with a K.

- I am aware of how you spell jacket, Captain Peacock.

- Perhaps, if you were to slip off your jacket, sir,

I could show you.

Perhaps, sir, at this juncture,

I might say that I disapprove of this practice,

most strongly!

- Now sir, the trick, as I understand it,

thank you, Mr. Lucas.

The trick, as I understand it, is to pull,

until some of the stitches goes.

- Oh, it doesn't harm the jacket,

it only just loosens it up.

- Perhaps, it would be better,

if you loosened up your own jacket, Captain Peacock.

- Very well, then.

Now then, sir, if you will listen carefully,

I take the jacket, so, and I pull, so.

- I can't hear any stitches going.

- Perhaps, it's already been done.

- Well, I sold it to you.

- It's obviously a highly-undesirable practice!

And I have to decide what the penalty shall be.

- Yes, well, I think we'll deduct

the cost of these trousers,

from this week's commission, Mr. Lucas.

And judging by your sales record,

from next week's commission.

And the week after that, too.

That will be all.

- Thank you, Mr. Rumbold. - Thank you, Mr. Rumbold.

- Thank you, Mr. Rumbold.

- Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you,

thank you, thank you, again, Mr. Rumbold.

Well, I'm surprised

you didn't just charge him, sir.

May I? - Of course.

- Thank you.

- The fault of dismissing him did occur to me,

Captain Peacock.

Thank you.

But, with sales being down,

I could hardly justify replacing him.

- And, with fewer people in the department,

your own position might be called into question.

Might it?

- Yes, you might find yourself back in Toys and Games,

with all those children.

- I think there's a lot of good in the lad!

- I hope, for your sake, that he justifies your faith.

- And do bring it back,

if you're not entirely satisfied, madam.

- Thank you.

- Well, as I was saying, I don't get out much, nowadays.

Since Mr. Slocombe's no longer living at home,

I mean, it's very difficult for a woman on her own.

I mean, you can't just go down to the pub for a quick drink,

with all those men ooglin' at you, can you?

Well, not more than twice a week, anyway.

- But, what happened to that man you met on the bus?

You know, the one that you gave your phone number to.

Didn't he ring you?

- I think he did.

What you mean, you think he did?

- Well, it sounded like his heavy breathin',

but I couldn't be certain.

- Ooh, look, they're back!

I wonder what Mr. Lucas has done now?

- He put his knee in a customer's trousers.

No!

No, he did it to stretch them.

We used to it with bras, before we had so many cup sizes.

- No.

As a matter of fact,

we used the doorknob in the ladies room.

- I'm sendin' this note to Ms. Brahms, air mail.

Missed, by a mile.

You better go and get it, before Peacock sees it.

- I was just, I was just stretching my legs,

Captain Peacock.

- Back to your own area. - Sir!

Blimey, it's like bein' in cold hands.

- He's picked it up.

- At the moment, Captain Peacock.

- Mrs. Slocombe,

I mentioned your complaint to Mr. Granger.

And he, on his part, also made a complaint,

about the view of the ladies fitting room,

from his department.

That he could see, or he couldn't?

- Mrs. Slocombe, I, I don't think he's quite as

broadminded, as we are.

Oh, do something about that, will you?

- It's a bit of paper.

Captain Peacock gave it to me.

Ooh, it's a note!

Pass me glasses, Brahms.

"Dear Sexy Knickers, I don't half-fancy you.

"Meet me outside, at 5:30, and we'll get it together."

Get what, well, really?

- I didn't think you had sexy knickers.

- As a matter of fact, they're Directoire.

Some men get quite worked up about them, you know.

- Well, there is an air

of mystery about them.

Well, there was during the war, anyway.

- And I suppose with all those

bombs falling down at the time,

it made 'em a bit more excited.

You gonna go?

- Well, from the tone of the note,

my first instinct was to refuse, but,

well, he is the head of the department,

and I'm at a loose end.

- Well, I'm not surprised, in Directoire knickers.

- There to do, Ms. Brahms.

Well, of course, I shall have to give a reply.

I think I shall be discreet, and use the telephone.

- She's read your note and she's picked up the phone.

- She's not gonna phone head of department!

- That's ours!

She probably wants to speak to you!

- Tell her I've gone downstairs!

- These!

- Menswear.

- Will you connect me with Captain Peacock, please?

- Hold on.

Captain Peacock!

Are you free?

- Yes, I'm free. - Phone, sir.

While you're down there,

I should write out your resignation.

- Captain Peacock, here.

- Hello, Captain Peacock.

This is Sexy Knickers.

- Would you, would you mind repeating that?

- This is Sexy Knickers.

- That's what I thought you said.

I beg your pardon, but, am I speaking to a customer?

Naughty boy.

Customer, indeed.

Now, I'm not promising anything,

but, I'll meet you outside, at 5:30.

You sent me the note.

- I've no idea.

- Thank Heaven for that.

- Well, he implied, that he never sent the note.

"To whom am I talking to?"

He says in that Royal Signals voice of his.

- But you've got his note, there, in your hand!

- Well, if he didn't intend it for me...

- I've never shown him anything!

I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind.

- Quite right, fancy asking a junior out.

- Captain Peacock, please.

I'll soon trim his feathers for him.

- No, but he did have a funny look on his face,

that time he offered to help me down with my corsets.

- Off the top shelf, in the stockroom!

- Another lady on the phone, for Captain Peacock.

- Shh!

Captain Peacock speaking, who is there?

- This is Sexy Knickers, here.

- Just a routine inquiry.

- I just wanted to tell you

that I couldn't have fancy you,

if you were the last man left in gent's ready-made.

- Just hold onto this for a moment.

Will you, Mr Humphries? - Yes, Captain Peacock.

Instead of running around

like some Peter Pan,

what's been knocking back the pet pills?

- Is that a complaint, here, Mr. Humphries?

- Well, in a manner of speaking, yes, Mr. Granger.

- I better take it.

- Just because I let you take my corsets down once,

doesn't mean to--

If I have anymore of your old guff,

I'm gonna have you on the carpet.

- Mind what you say, Ms. Brahms.

- I think Ms. Brahms has said enough.

I think some explanation is called for.

- Some lady says she wants to have me on the carpet.

- It must be meant for self-furnishings.

- Would you mind if I went home early today, Mr. Granger?

- I think he's going to have a heart attack.

- Yes, I shall find out who wrote this.

And you know me, Mrs. Slocombe,

I don't rest, until I get to the bottom of things.

- Glass of water, glass of water for Mr. Granger.

- But, he hasn't asked for a glass of water.

- He will!

- Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.

Mr. Humphries?

- Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.

Is Mr. Lucas free?

- I think he's going to be free for a very long time.

Lucas.

Now, I have here, a billhead from this department,

on which is written, "Dear Sexy Knickers,

"I don't half-fancy you.

"Meet me outside at half past five,

"and we'll get it together."

Well then, it is my duty as head of this department,

to ask each one of you, if you wrote this note.

Mr. Granger, did you write it?

- I don't even understand it!

- Mr. Granger wouldn't say, Dear Sexy Knickers!

He would say, Dear Sexy Bloomers,

wouldn't you, Mr. Granger?

- I very much doubt it!

- No, but thanks for the compliment.

- Well, in view of those two denials,

I can come to only one conclusion.

- Yes, well, we'll leave the matter of your future

in advance.

But, what you will do,

is apologize to the ladies department,

for the distress you have caused!

- Yes, now! - Yes, now!

- Well, you came out of that very well.

- But, at least it gives me a chance to get over there,

and chat Shirley up, and ask her out.

- If you fell in the dark, you'd come up with coal.

- Well, at the moment, Mr. Lucas.

- I'm afraid I've been a bit of a naughty boy,

Mrs. Slocombe.

What have you been up to?

Well, you know that note

that you thought came from Captain Peacock?

- Yes.

- Well, it was from me.

- Well, I should've guessed all the time,

shouldn't I

- I've seen the way you've been looking at me!

- But you're a very naughty boy, sending notes.

You should've come across in the open,

and come out with it!

- You shouldn't be so shy!

You know, you're more attractive than you think.

- Ooh, it's 5:30!

Well, I'll just put my hat on and meet you outside!

Mind you, I'm not promising anything.

♫ Ground floor perfumery

♫ Stationery and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery

♫ Kitchenware and food, going up

♫ First floor telephones

♫ Gents, ready-made suits,

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats,

♫ Underwear and shoes, going up

♫ Second floor carpets,

♫ Travel goods and bedding,

♫ Material, soft furnishings,

♫ Restaurants and teas, going down ♫