Original subtitles

03 Police Academy 3 Back In Training - Comedy 1986 720p [H264-mp4] English

GUARD: We close in 20 minutes.

MAN 1: Damn!

Thanks.

MAN 1: Aah! Gee.

MAN 2: Ooh. Ow! MAN 1: Ow!

MAN 2: Ow! MAN 1: Argh.

- Where the hell are these clowns? - It is a large garage, sir.

- We're over here! - Are you an idiot?

[CAR HORN HONKS]

PROCTOR: There they are.

Get down.

It's about time.

I've sucked up enough fumes to last me a lifetime.

Stand up!

What's with all this deep-throat crap?

Don't look at me. It wasn't my idea to meet here. It was his.

We shouldn't be seen together.

Just thinking of the safety factor of Operation Fiasco.

That's what I call this, sir.

I work with the village idiot.

- Do you guys have any idea- - Sir, your glasses!

Do you guys... Take off your glasses.

Do you guys have any idea how many police academies are in this state?

- Is this a trick question, sir? - No, this is not a trick question, sir.

- Two. - Wrong.

My sources have informed me that one of them is about to be terminated.

- Which one? - I don't know.

They haven't decided yet.

And that's where you two come in.

I need two good men that'll make sure Lassard's academy fails and not mine.

I need two good men that'll inform on Lassard's academy...

and tell me every move they make.

I need two good men that'll sell out their mothers to get ahead.

BOTH: That's us. - Good.

Can we go now?

We should split up.

Safety factor. We'll go first.

[CAR HORN HONKS]

[CAR HORN HONKING]

PROCTOR: Looks like it's closed, sir.

They locked us in.

[MAUSER GRUNTING]

The car!

[SCREAMING]

Proctor!

PROCTOR: No problem, sir!

I got it! Please!

- My car! - Please, stop!

[PROCTOR WHIMPERING]

[SCREAMING THEN CRASHING]

[HONKING]

My car.

[BAND PLAYING]

As governor of this great state of ours...

it fills me with pride to see these graduating police cadets.

I'm also sad to tell you...

that this is the last time we will be graduating two classes.

What?

It's time to tighten our belts. It's time to close one of the academies.

But in the spirit of fair play, which is the hallmark of my administration...

I have appointed a committee...

to evaluate and compare the two academies.

That way, their fate will rest in their own hands.

I am certain that both commandants will welcome such a challenge.

Got it!

Isn't that true, Comdt. Mauser and Comdt. Lassard?

Well, Comdt. Lassard, good luck, sir.

- May the better academy win. - We intend to, sir.

Don't be too sure, Comdt. Mauser.

We have many wonderful new recruits which we shall mold in my own image.

Promise me you'll do that, sir, please.

Sir. The committee.

Ladies, gentlemen, truly a pleasure.

Anyone need a ride, police escort? Don't hesitate to ask.

Oh. Governor, magnificent speech!

Bravo! I applaud you.

Whoo! Whoo!

Why beat around the bush, Mauser?

Just get down on your knees and kiss his ass.

I don't need any tactical advice from you, Callahan.

Governor!

Governor.

I know you're a busy man, sir, but I've been doing a study...

on some training techniques I thought might interest you.

The Governor is in a hurry, Comdt. Mauser.

I could memo you on these, sir.

Governor, I speak for everyone when I say-

[GRUNTING]

Let me assure you, Governor...

Comdt. Mauser does not speak for this academy.

Governor, what I meant to say was-

[GRUNTING]

Get a hold of yourself, you idiot. You're making the Governor sick!

LASSARD: Well, Mauser.

You certainly made a lasting impression on the Governor.

The only impression that counts, sir, is in this file!

We'll see who's got an academy when this is over.

Proctor!

COPELAND: You have nothing to worry about, sir.

Right. Just leave everything to us.

We'll make Mauser eat those words. Let's go.

- Mahoney. JONES & CALLAHAN: Right.

Okay, come on now. Guys!

[MOUTHS] Girls.

Girls, of course, I'm sorry. All right, keep it up! Number one!

Take it on, drive it in here! Keep it alive. Take it in, drive in!

Keep your arms up! Take it! Take it on...

Try! Bring it back. Stop. Stop the playing!

Give me the ball. Gather around, girls. I want to talk about something.

I want you to remember from yesterday...

Come a little closer. All right.

Remember from yesterday, you pick and roll? Now, ready and break!

Number two. Keep it alive.

DISPATCHER: Police Academy to Sgt. Mahoney. Come in, please.

Sgt. Mahoney's office.

DISPATCHER: Get me Mahoney, and get your feet off the dashboard!

Good, take it along now.

- I'm sorry, Sergeant. I didn't mean to. MAHONEY: That's okay. My pleasure.

Sgt. Mahoney, I just heard, Comdt. Lassard needs help.

Lassard's in trouble?

KID 1: Give it back!

[CHUCKLES]

KID 2: Wait. Wait for me!

KID 3: Go, Mom!

[THIEF GRUNTING]

[THIEF SCREAMS]

DISPATCHER: Sgt. Hightower, come in.

Shit.

DISPATCHER: Hightower, get rid of the pantyhose...

and report to the academy immediately.

I'm on my way.

KIRKLAND: Eugene?

Hey, Eugene.

Tackleberry?

Come on out, Eugene. I give up.

You outdid yourself this time.

Olly, olly, oxen free?

[MOSQUITO BUZZING]

All right, come on, Tackleberry, I'm tired of this.

Quit fooling around in the backyard.

I'm serious. I got something to tell you.

[GUN COCKS]

All right, come on, Eugene. I'm getting pretty tired of this.

Come on, Eugene, I got an important message-

Good one, Tack. Really fooled me.

Mahoney called. He said Lassard needs help.

What a wonderful moment, my favorite graduates back.

The academy is facing its greatest challenge.

After many years...

of graduating many fine police officers, the State says...

it can no longer afford two police academies.

God knows what they did with all the money.

[GROANS]

We have a tradition to uphold...

a reputation to defend, and defend it, we will!

- Thank you, Mahoney. - Anytime, sir.

With our new recruits and your help, I'm sure we can survive the competition.

There can only be one winner.

But also only one loser, which works out nicely.

I certainly hope we win.

Then I can retire with the same sense of dignity...

I have always brought to the academy.

Whoa!

Dismissed.

MRS. FACKLER: Get out of my way, or I'll start playing rough.

FACKLER: Don't do that. MRS. FACKLER: No, I will not!

You have the stupidest idea. Put down that suitcase.

- You are not going to that police academy. - Wrong!

Aah!

Finally, don't you think one policeman in this family is enough?

MRS. FACKLER: Stop it! I don't care what you say!

- Great, great. - Great.

Okay, listen. See, I just wanted to join the force to be with you.

I mean, we can ride together, we can wear matching uniforms, share ammo...

everything that makes a marriage work.

Honey, look. Listen to me, sweetheart.

- Police work, it's just so dangerous. - I don't care!

Oh, no. No, you don't!

[MRS. FACKLER SCREAMS]

You let go of me, mister, or face the consequences!

MRS. PECTELLl: Good morning, Facklers. - Hello, Mrs. Pectelli.

It is hell out there on those streets.

- All right. Okay. - Come on.

Sweetie, what? Come on.

We're adults. I know we can talk this thing out.

Exactly. I know you're smart enough to do that work. It's just that...

I'm the breadwinner in this family, and you're my lady, and your place is at home.

Right? Come on, give me a kiss.

What do you... Come on.

You think I can't break this down? Open it up, sweetie.

I'm a policeman. I'm trained for this kind of stuff, you know that?

All right, big joke. Open that door! Come on. You said we'd be adults.

[SIREN WAILING]

Hey! That's my...

- Do you want to kill me? - I have thought about it a couple of times.

Honey, stop it right now! I'm serious!

I don't care. I wanna go to the police academy.

Listen to reason, will you? Listen to me right now. You are not gonna...

- What are you doing? - I want you off this car now!

I just waxed this car. You'll get me into so much trouble.

[CAR HORN HONKING]

This is a city street, not a drag strip, thank you.

If you don't like it, you go around me!

[CAR HORNS HONKING]

MAN: -with volume on the New York Stock Exchange as of this hour...

at 56 million shares in moderate trading, with the Dow Jones up 4 points at 1507.

The dollar is showing renewed strength against foreign currency...

gaining 10 percent against the pound...

on rumors of the Fed's dropping interest rates.

The uncertainty of interest rates is affecting the bond market.

Trading has been cautious and will remain...

This is not Le Mans!

[SIRENS WAILING]

[CAR HORN HONKING]

Porter. Redcap.

That's right. Could you help me with these, please?

That's right. Come on over here.

Thank you. That'll be fine, thank you.

[GLASS BREAKING]

Porter.

[RECRUITS LAUGHING AND YELLING]

Please, sit down. Please.

Um, uh, um...

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

Zip your lips, slap your butts to the seat and listen hard!

That's a lot better.

Let me be the first to welcome you to the fabulous Midcity Police Academy.

We're about to begin an incredible 14-week adventure in living.

I'm one of your hosts, Sgt. Carey Mahoney.

And as you exit the bus, please form a double line.

And march them!

[JONES BEAT-BOXING]

Who did that?

[IN GOOFY VOICE] Say, man, this place is crazy.

Suckers always making me dance and stuff.

What kind of place is this? I don't look like I'm gonna make it.

[IN DEEP VOICE] You'll make it just fine. Keep dancing.

MAUSER: Hmm. Good.

Good, tall. Good.

Good, strong.

Excuse me.

And who might you be?

Tomoko Nogata, of Tachikawa Nogatas.

"And is this your lovely wife?"

[GRUNTS]

- Proctor. - Yes, sir.

- What's the story here with Fu Manchu? - Fu Manchu.

I don't have a Fu Manchu.

I'm talking about the stir-fried shrimp from out of town!

He's with the Tachikawa Highway Patrol...

part of an international exchange program, here to study our methods.

I'm not teaching my cadets how to use a wok!

[GUFFAWS]

You ship him off to Lassard's. He'll fit in perfectly over there.

He could use a good sushi chef.

- No offense, eh? - Arigato, thank you.

Kiss my what?

Excuse me, sir.

- Ma'am! I'm a ma'am! - I'm sorry.

Those guns make it difficult to tell.

- Are you an instructor? - Affirmative.

Are you a new recruit?

- Yes, I- - She certainly is. But she's terribly shy.

Stand up straight, Sarah. And don't babble.

What will the instructor think?

- Now, just pay attention- - Stifle it!

Don't worry, Sarah. When we're finished with you...

you'll have nerves of steel, ice in your veins...

and a set of brass balls this big.

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

No favoritism here, Eugene.

Bud, here, he fouls up, you give him a good whack.

- Ha-ha-ha. Gotcha! - That was a good one. Pretty sneaky.

[LAUGHING]

Caught me off guard.

You take care of yourself, son. And pay attention to Eugene.

I'm proud of you. You're gonna make one hell of a cop.

Thanks, Dad. Would you give this to Mom for me?

Ha, ha. Don't forget to buckle up.

That was a good one.

[WOMEN SCREAMING]

MR. KIRKLAND: Sorry!

Boy, my dad and I have a terrific relationship.

[SIRENS WAILING]

[FACKLER SCREAMS]

[SIREN WAILING]

Does anybody know how to shut this thing off? It's driving me nuts!

Thanks.

Okay, that's $700.

- Plus tip. - Here you go.

Hey. Hey, Wait a minute. What is this?

What do you think you're giving me here? What, are you kidding?

I don't take any money with pictures of tuna fish on it.

Come on, American money. Let's go. $700, that's what you owe me.

Wait a minute. Excuse me. What's going on here?

- Not enough. He owes me $700, plus tip. - $700 for a cab ride?

- Where did you catch this cab, Yokohama? - Yokohama.

Excuse me. I'm Officer Carey Mahoney. May I be of some assistance?

- Yes. This guy is trying to rip off this guy. - "Rip off."

- Read the meter. The meter don't lie. - Is this true? And who's your barber?

Look, wise guy, don't think a blue uniform scares me.

- No, sir, this is not a scary uniform. - No, it's not a scary uniform.

- Hightower! ADAMS: That's a scary uniform.

This man just said something about your mother.

He also charged this guy $700 for a cab ride.

- A rip-off. - Meters don't lie. Read the meter.

They don't lie. They never lie.

Meters don't lie.

This meter lied. It's a lying meter.

- Fair price. - And tip.

- What's your name, son? - Nogata.

- Nogata? New recruit? NOGATA: Yes.

- Right over there. - Thank you. Okay.

- Thanks, Hightower. - Okay, babe.

Excuse me.

That sordid little scene must have been trying on you, Miss...

Karen Adams.

You're Karen Adams? You're kidding. Aah, we're roomies!

I'll help you settle in. You'll take your clothes off...

- we'll shower, get close- - I'm sorry.

I'm not here to get hit on by every guy who looks cute in a blue uniform.

I want to be a policewoman.

You will be!

We'll get together. We'll talk! I hope.

Oh.

Well, Mahoney, I see you still have very good taste.

Ha, ha. Thank you.

Nice bike!

Where do you put the batteries? Ha-ha-ha.

Get out of my way!

[LAUGHING]

[SCREAMING]

That didn't hurt!

Hi, was I going too fast?

[BIKE HORN HONKING]

[SWEETCHUCK SCREAMS THEN GROANS]

Where do I go to register?

- Let's go. Kirkland, 46! - Yeah, all right.

- Fackler, where do you think you're going? - With him.

- Women downstairs! - Damn!

Move it! Let's go. Come on now, girls!

OFFICER 1: Move it. OFFICER 2: All right, Sweetchuck, let's go.

[ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

ZED: Aah! CALLAHAN: Hey!

Oh, hi.

- What's your problem? - He's the problem. He's an animal.

Get used to it. He's your roommate.

- Aah! Roommate? - Zed's reformed. He's on our side now.

Yeah. I used to be a real jerk, but now I'm a people guy.

[DRUMMING]

ZED [SINGING]: It's tough to be a truck driver cowgirl

[ZED SCREAMING AND GROANING]

You're awake!

What kind of music do you like? You like salsa? You like reggae?

Something with that love beat?

This is a song I wrote, off my first album. And it goes something like this.

[SCREAMS]

When I was a baby I had no head

I couldn't get a job, I couldn't go to bed

It was originally a love ballad, but I kind of spruced it up.

[ZED SCREAMING]

No, I don't take requests.

All right, clowns...

I want you to police this entire area from here to the parade ground.

I want you to pick up every cigarette butt, every scrap of paper, every weed.

Now, we're gonna be watching from my window.

So if I see these flashlights stop moving, you're both in big trouble.

Big trouble. Now, get to work.

Let's go, Chad.

[SCREAMING]

- Mr. Zed. - No school.

- Mr. Zed. - What?

- Are you sure this is gonna work? - Of course it's gonna work.

It's working.

CADETS: Hup, two, three, four.

As you can see, sir, I have instant access over all my cadets...

and all of the instructors.

Attention! Give me 20 pushups, now!

[PROCTOR & MAUSER LAUGHING]

There's no escaping the camera's eye, sir.

As you could see, I can monitor the gym, the classrooms...

The Rocky & Bullwinkle Show?

Oh. Good! This is the episode where Natasha and Boris have Rocky-

It's an old one, though. I've seen it. Rerun.

We have a few bugs to be worked out, sir...

but I'm sure you'll tell the evaluation committee...

about the wonderful work we're doing in-

Ah-ah-ah. You're chapping your lips on the wrong butt, Mr. Mauser.

I have no say with the evaluation committee.

Besides, I want both academies to look good.

Oh, so do I, sir. So do I.

And when may the committee be coming by, sir?

The committee is spending the rest of the week at Lassard's academy.

Next week, the Governor has them snooping around the downtown precincts.

So that gives you...

a couple of weeks to perfect your ass-kissing.

That's plenty of time, sir.

Hi.

- Two and three.

Ah, Callahan, there you are.

We have to talk to you about this evaluation thing.

I'll see you at my...

[WATER SPLASHING]

And four! And one, and two, and three!

OFFICER: Close there. Whoo!

HOOKS: Not only must you know all traffic laws...

you must also master high-speed driving.

Now, we'll begin today with a leisurely spin around the course.

[ENGINE RUNNING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

MAN: Hey. Watch where you're going, lady!

[ENGINE RUNNING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[JONES MIMICKING ENGINE RUNNING THEN TIRES SCREECHING]

[MIMICKING DOG WHIMPERING]

Okay, you can start the car now.

But if I hear any of those things, you've failed.

Oops. Wrong key. I'll be right back.

That's no problem.

[ENGINE STARTING]

[SCREAMS]

Very often in the field...

the dog can be your best friend.

Your most faithful partner.

Oh, I love dogs, and they love me. Hi, boy, hi.

[GASPS]

First... Out.

Thanks.

It is important to develop the master-dog relationship.

If you show any fear...

the dog will not respect you.

- Sweetchuck. - Me?

- Order the dogs to sit. - They won't listen to me.

They will. Come on, try.

Go on, have a seat.

[ALL GASPS]

You've got to show them who's boss.

Sit!

Ha!

At this time...

I would like to introduce to all of you...

my instructor, the man who taught me how to fight.

Please welcome, if you will...

Sgt. John Hurney.

Now, can I have a volunteer?

Can I have a volunteer? Very good, Nogata.

I don't believe it.

[AS DONALD DUCK] Oh, boy!

[LAUGHS]

He's great!

[GRUNTS THEN LAUGHS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

You, uh, have impressive moves for a cadet.

Thank you.

You see, it's a matter of the mind being mightier than the bosom.

Interesting theory.

I said bosom, not sword.

Sounds like a common mistake.

No. I mean no disrespect. It's just that she's so...

Wow.

Wow. What a woman!

[WHISTLES]

Hit the showers!

See what I mean?

TRAINER: Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Ugh!

Miss Macho.

All right, men, it's 2200.

Time to hit the sack.

Let's go.

MAN [ON TV]: You're dead meat, copper!

Let's move it!

- What time is it? - 3 in the morning.

[ALARM BLARING]

All right, everybody! Everybody up! Let's go!

Outside!

Let's go!

[ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

BLANKS: Come on, you sludge buckets. If I can keep up this pace, so can you.

Let's go, maggots.

A good cop is always prepared. A good cop knows the city streets.

[ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

- Are you gonna be all right, Hedges? NOGATA: He'll be okay.

- Can I help you with anything? NOGATA: No, we're here now.

- Bye, Hedges. - I'll have to be fed intravenously.

Just lie down.

[SCREAMING]

What is this?

It's my bed. I pick up in New Delhi.

Posture-o-pedic. Very good for back.

[SWEETCHUCK SCATTING]

Hello? Hello?

Who is that?

What-? Who is it? Don't-

[SCREAMING]

Do you want to, like, borrow my shampoo?

[SWEETCHUCK SCREAMING]

[GASPS]

Freeze! Identify yourself.

It's me, Mr. Sweetchuck.

You look like a man who's going AWOL to me, mister.

Yeah, I am. I'm tired of having a roommate that's an animal!

I was happier when I was at home getting mugged!

You look me in the eye and tell me you're quitting!

Hey.

Don't worry. I'll take care of you.

You give me a chance...

and I'll make you into a man.

Even if it kills you.

[FLY BUZZING]

Feel good? Let's go.

Sergeant.

A good kick may be all that stands...

between you and the excruciating pain...

of a. 357 magnum slug shredding your vital organs.

Fackler! You're up.

Yay.

[GROANS]

CALLAHAN: Kirkland!

[CLICKING]

CALLAHAN: Zed!

[SCREAMING]

CALLAHAN: Sweetchuck! - Sweetchuck, what's the word?

- Kill. - Let me hear it again.

- Kill. - Now go for it!

[YELLS]

[THUDDING]

MAUSER: Whose bright idea was it to meet here?

It was my bright idea.

This is some beautiful view, isn't it, sir?

The twinkling lights of the city, stars in the heavens...

the moon in the sky.

And Mr. Sandman flying from rooftop to rooftop.

Where?

What the hell is that?

Give me this damn thing. Well, how'd it go?

The committee knew right away we were hopeless.

Good.

Now, I want you guys to take the cadets downtown...

for some fieldwork.

We can't do that. Cadets don't go into the field till after their tenth week.

- They're not ready for anything like that. - I know that, you moron.

That's the whole idea. Next week, the evaluation committee is gonna be there.

- Oh, I get it, sir. - I doubt it.

Heh. Sorry, sir.

I'm gonna be there when Lassard's guys screw up.

You guys make sure they screw up. Get it?

- Yes, sir. MAUSER: Get it?

- Yeah. - Good.

[CROWD YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

Punch him! Punch him!

One, two, three, four.

[BELL RINGS]

That's great. He's looking tired. Good.

Your legs are rubbery.

- Knock him out. Let me hear you say it. - Knock him out.

[BELL RINGS AND ALL YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

Come on, come on!

[ALL YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

What are you doing?

That's not the way I taught you to hit. You gotta hit like this. Like this!

Now, hit him!

[CHEERING]

[YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

[BOOING AND BELL RINGING]

[BELL CONTINUES RINGING]

[BELL CONTINUES RINGING]

The eyewitness is still the main source of convictions.

Mr. Miller, I want you to take your time. Study these men very carefully.

Then tell us if you see the man who robbed your store.

Let me reassure you, Mr. Miller...

the suspects cannot see you when it's dark in here.

Well, Mr. Miller? Is he there?

MILLER: You sure they can't see me?

My wife said they'd see me, and not to do this.

OFFICER: Mr. Miller, bright lights in there...

dark in here. He can't see us. Do you see him?

Bringing cadets into the field this early...

has all the makings of one of your lousy ideas.

What's the matter, Mahoney? No faith in the cadets?

How hard can it be, Miller? Is he there or isn't he?

I don't know. He really didn't steal that much.

Well, the hospital stay was quite restful.

I wish I'd listened to my wife.

For God's sake, Miller, will you take your balls out of your wife's purse...

and finger the dirt bag?

It's him!

- Come on, you son of a bitch! I'll kill you! - No, it's him.

He's the one, the priest.

[MOUTHING INDISTINCTLY]

[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Sir, honestly, we had no idea the evaluation committee would be here.

We thought it would help advance the training.

- What do you mean, we? - It was a lousy idea.

Now I've got a bunch trainees hanging around with this damn committee!

I've been, like, noticing you, and you're a nice enough lady...

but you're too tense.

You got to relax. You got to calm down.

[YELLING]

You take the big guy, I'll take the little guy.

MAN 1: We got a cop.

[CHEERING]

No sweat. This is my old gang.

[ALL SCREAMING]

Would you like to go out to grab a burger and then go to the movies or something?

I'd like to introduce you guys to the future Mrs. Zed!

[ALL SCREAMING]

[BOY COUGHING]

Hey, son.

- Excuse me, Officer. - Yes, ma'am?

We are sitting in the nonsmoking section...

and that man refuses to put out his cigar.

I'll take care of this, ma'am.

Excuse me, sir.

You're sitting in a nonsmoking area. Would you please extinguish that cigar?

Drop dead. I'll put it out when I'm finished.

You'll put it out now, mister!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER RADIO]

HOOKS: Hit it!

Now, go get him!

[SIREN WAILING]

- Hurry up! - I'm trying. I'm going as fast-

HOOKS: Drive! MRS. FACKLER: Aah!

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

[CRASHING AND GLASS BREAKING]

MRS. FACKLER: Will this count against us, sir?

You know, I've been here at the academy many wonderful years...

and I'm very fond of it.

- The new cadets are doing well? JONES & CALLAHAN: Yes, sir.

- We are going to succeed now, aren't we? JONES & CALLAHAN: Yes, sir.

Good. Good, good.

[CASH REGISTER BEEPING]

[JONES MIMICKING BEEPING]

[CASH REGISTER BEEPING]

[JONES MIMICKING BEEPING]

[JONES MIMICKING ALARM]

One more ping out of you, Jonesey, I'll tape your lips permanently together.

[JONES BEEPING]

Hey, Jon-

[ALL LAUGHING]

MAHONEY: Listen, everybody.

I want you to forget today. You don't have to be ready for the field yet.

- We sure proved that. - It wasn't a total loss.

Of course it wasn't.

One police car and two civilian cars completely totaled...

three citizens' complaints...

two members of the evaluation committee under heavy sedation.

I wouldn't call it a total loss, would you? No.

Bartender, how about some champagne for me and my associate?

We're celebrating. Come on, Proctor.

- Let's just get out of here. - No.

[JONES BEEPING]

Boy, that's a waste of champagne, sir.

Now, what is that crack supposed to mean, Mahoney?

It means we don't think you can tell the difference between beer and champagne.

[MAUSER LAUGHING]

You know something? You two are brain dead.

Oh. Bet you can't. Loser pays.

- You're on, Mahoney. - Can I have a beer in the same glass?

- Mind if we blindfold you, sir? - Why?

- We wouldn't want you to peek. - Right.

- See anything? Huh? - No.

- Sure? - No, I can't see.

Okay. Round and round and guess the drink.

- Champagne! - Oh!

You win! He always wins!

[MAUSER LAUGHING]

All right, we'll pay up. Let's get out of here.

- You two jerks. - You really showed them, sir.

- Proctor. - Yes, sir?

Oh. Give me a hand with this. Take it off.

No, don't go slow. Go fast, so it doesn't hurt.

[MAUSER SCREAMS]

That hurt. Am I okay?

It's nice. There's a mirror right here, sir.

I got no eyebrows.

- Where are my eyebrows? - Right here, sir.

- This is going very well. MAUSER: Yeah?

Oh, yeah. That's great. It's coming.

That's great. That's nice. You're gonna like that, sir.

Let me see it.

Look at that. Look at this, this angle over here, every angle.

MAUSER: I can't see it! - It's yours.

[CLEARS THROAT]

So, what do you think, sir?

I think I like it.

LASSARD: Commissioner Hurst was very upset.

He used many bad words to describe our academy.

Some were even foreign.

Italian or Irish, I think.

This is survival of the fittest...

and after what happened downtown...

it seems we're not very fit.

- Sir, you're not giving up, are you? - Of course not.

I have no doubt we shall be victorious.

Well, I have a little doubt, but, basically, I'm an optimist.

Now, I know the committee will be observing us here...

and in the field, and at the Police persons Ball...

so we must do nothing to dishonor the uniform.

- What was I saying? ALL [IN UNISON]: Dismissed!

Right.

HOOKS: This map will pinpoint trouble spots...

over a 10-square-mile area.

This dispatch unit has a 200-mile range...

and a computerized city grid.

This computerized city grid tracks police vehicle movement.

- Is that clear, everyone? ALL: Yes, ma'am!

Yeah, why not?

HIGHTOWER: In tear gas training...

the manual says you should have your mask on.

Be out of here 30 seconds after the canister comes through the window.

Any questions?

Good luck.

- Nice throw, Hightower. - It went in, didn't it?

All right, everybody out!

Everybody present and accounted for?

[ZED SCREAMS]

I feel good. I'll be in there if you need me.

[ZED SCREAMING]

[ZED CONTINUES SCREAMING]

Look, I know you people have had a tough week...

but there's something you should know.

You may be the last class to attend this academy.

I don't know if this means anything to you, but it sure does to us.

That's why, we not only want you to keep up the good work...

we want you to work harder.

Because we think that you people...

can be the best class this academy has ever seen.

You can do it. Believe me.

Once, even I was a screw-up.

Let's go out there and win one for Comdt. Lassard, okay?

Okay? Yeah, come on.

CADET 1: Okay. Yeah.

Attention!

Dismissed.

Did you hear that?

No? Of course not. How silly of me to ask.

You're too far from the window.

- Look sharp, Mahoney. - Right.

- Sgt. Mahoney. - Yeah.

- I was really impressed by what you said. - Oh.

You really care.

Yeah. Just don't spread it around. It might ruin my rep.

I owe you an apology for the way I acted. You were just trying to be cute.

Trying? On a cuteness scale of one to 10, I'm an eight.

- Five. - You're right, I am a five.

Listen, I'll accept your apology if you accept mine.

- Deal. - All right. You know something?

Have you ever felt, after meeting someone for 10 minutes...

- you've known them for two, three years? - No.

- Oh. - Aah! Mahoney.

- Thanks, Mahoney. - Welcome, sir.

[JONES BEAT-BOXING]

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Excuse, please. Shall I come back when all is well with your mind?

My mind is as well as it gets, but you look a little tense.

You see, I have great confusions...

about Sgt. Callahan.

[JONES SIGHS]

You've come to the right place, brother.

Grab yourself pad and pencil because...

[IN DEEP VOICE] the love doctor is about to speak.

Yo!

In my country, it is written...

only kiss of beautiful woman...

can compare to petal of a rose...

babe.

In America, talk is cheap.

I love America.

[DANCE PLAYING OVER SPEAKER]

Hey. Hi, there. Remember me?

Ah, yes, of course. How could I forget?

Who was that?

Just an old friend.

Why are we celebrating? It's Mauser, 42. Lassard, zip.

You think we're doing that well?

- Mahoney. - Oh.

How's tricks? Not to worry.

Oh.

Your friend forgot to wear her "for rent" sign.

Oh. She's such a sweet kid. My aerobics instructor.

Mahoney, see this ear? It's a finely tuned crap detector.

Oh. And a lovely ear it is. If I blow in it, will you follow me anywhere?

Well, I'm surprised you had the nerve to show up...

after your cadets humiliated the Police Department.

Personally, it makes me sick.

How about you guys? Don't you guys think...

Coming, Commissioner.

[MAHONEY CHUCKLES]

Will you think less of me if I call him a slime bucket?

Mm-mm. In fact, I'll have my aerobics instructor confirm it. I'll be right back.

Hey.

- So how you doing? - Terrific. I need one of your special favors.

- Right here? - Mm-mm-mm.

Oh. I just love a man that eats shrimp that way.

- You do? - Oh, yes.

Come on.

- How does he do that? - The question is, why does he do that?

It is a power of the mind.

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

Allow me.

What kind of idiot klutz are you?

Come on, dumpling.

I witnessed the entire attack, sir. My apologies, Mrs. Hurst.

May I say Copeland is not one of my cadets. He is a member of Lassard's staff.

You look different, Mauser. Are you putting on weight?

Come on, dumpling. We'll get you cleaned up.

That's Lassard's staff, sir. Send me the cleaning bill on that, sir.

You want the last shrimp?

- There's only one thing that I want. - What? I'll call room service.

Don't be silly.

What I want is for you to wait in there, in the bathroom...

while I get ready.

- Why can't I wait in here? - We just met.

Come on, can't a girl be a little bit old-fashioned?

I'll call you just as soon as I'm ready.

Come on, it's kind of drafty.

I'll get some help.

A little patience. I'll be out in a minute.

Hurry up. Somebody wants to use the...

Come on, let me in! Hurry up!

OLD LADY: You should be ashamed of yourself.

I'll make up your room in a minute.

MAID: Where you going with my cart?

- My cart. - Let me borrow it.

I'm a police officer-

It's mine.

MAN 1: What's this?

[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Hi. Warm tonight.

How's it going?

PROCTOR: Aah! Ow!

[BAND PLAYING "TEAM THING"]

[SINGING] It's a comfort And a strange kind of notion

Knowing that you got complete devotion

To feel no matter what's the problem

Together we can solve it

It's a team thing, it takes two

It's all the time me, all the time you

It's a team thing I'm talking about

It's a team thing all the way out

It goes like this now Oo-oo shoo-bee-do-doo-bee

Oo-oo shoo-bee-do-doo-bee

Oo-oo shoo-bee-do-doo-bee

No one could ever make me doubt you

They know I care too much About my baby

It's a team thing, it takes two

It's all the time me, all the time you

It's a team thing I'm talking about

It's a team thing all the way out

It's a team thing, it takes two

It's all the time me, all the time you

It's a team thing I'm talking about

It's a team thing all the way out

It's a team thing, it takes two

- hands him the ticket, and the driver said-

Ha-ha-ha. That's real funny, sir. Great joke teller, the Commissioner.

Are you enjoying yourselves? Are you comfortable?

Waiter, round of drinks. On me.

Drinks are free, you idiot.

Oh. Yes, sir. How stupid of me.

If you don't mind my saying so, Mrs. Hurst...

that fruit punch stain dried real nicely.

[MAUSER LAUGHING]

You are not going to influence this evaluation committee.

So will you please stop all this slobbering?

Sir, I think I can get it under control if I could only find out who's winning.

Well, let's just say that Lassard's cadets have not exactly impressed them.

Thank you very much, sir.

Get hold of yourself, man.

Good Lord! You're falling apart.

- Excuse me. Commissioner? - What the hell do you want?

We've had reports of a naked man terrorizing the hotel.

He's obviously not at this table.

- Mauser! - Yes, sir.

Would you take care of this naked person?

Naked person, yes, sir! I'll get right on top of him!

Proctor!

[ENGINE STARTS]

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHING]

Well, glad to see you enjoying yourselves, men, despite the bad news.

Bad news? There's been bad news?

Well, bad news for you, good news for me.

Your cadets have been doing their usual fine job...

so it looks like I've got this one in the bag.

Congratulations! I'm so happy when someone I know wins.

I always think these contests are fixed.

Wait a minute.

- If you're winning, then... - You're losing. Ha, ha.

Sorry to spoil your fun.

- It's not fair. - Any ideas?

I could twist off Mauser's shiny head and roll it down the street.

Hold that thought, Hightower.

[ENGINE STALLING]

Come on. Damn it!

[ENGINE STALLING]

Oh.

[PANTING]

[JEAN-MARC DOMPIERRE AND HIS ORCHESTRA'S "EL BIMBO" PLAYING]

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

Governor, Commissioner-

MAHONEY: Ladies and gentlemen...

may I introduce you to a very special man, Comdt. Mauser.

As you know, the committee's been evaluating both of our academies...

and they're very close to a decision.

And you know what this man said about that?

It's a fact...

It's a "facahamahoma."

Does this man have a way with words?

He said you can't judge an academy by rushing its cadets out into the field...

or by seeing whose cadets marched the straightest, no.

Do you know what the man, I like to call "Mr. Policeman," said?

"Forget any mistakes cadets have made over the last few weeks."

They were just learning.

"It's these last days of competition that should determine the winner."

Comdt. Mauser, I salute you.

We all salute you!

[ALL CHEERING]

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

HURST: This is the final day of the evaluation competition...

and though Comdt. Mauser's academy is in the lead...

it's how you perform today that will determine our winner.

Police personnel will monitor your performance...

at crime locations.

My advice is to treat this exactly as if it were real.

Attention!

Dismissed!

[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

I'm going to accompany the Governor to the charity regatta.

He wants one cadet from each academy to go with us.

But the competition, sir.

The Governor thought it would be nice to evaluate cadets in a social situation.

Proctor, what is this? Hurst said one from each academy.

They're just as good as one man, almost.

The phone's got my quarter and the operator won't give it back to me.

I'll handle this, ma'am.

- Operator, this is Sgt. Tackleberry. OPERATOR: So?

- Please relinquish this lady's quarter. OPERATOR: I told her we'll send her a refund.

You'll pay her now!

OPERATOR: I'm sorry, sir, would you like to speak to-?

Stand back, ma'am.

Can you identify your quarter, ma'am?

MRS. FACKLER: Sgt. Hooks, we got a 10-48 in Sector 1.

Send in Tackleberry.

Tackleberry? He's across town. Hightower's only three blocks away.

Send in Tackleberry.

You heard him. Do it.

[SIREN WAILING AND CAR HORN HONKING]

- Sweetchuck! - What a lobby.

Secure the elevator. I'll take the stairs.

Easy.

Sgt. Hooks, there's a 10-48!

All right. Send in car 46.

MRS. FACKLER: Car 46. Car 46.

Hightower, there's a roving gang in the Gower district.

KIRKLAND: Oh, boy, this is it.

[SIREN WAILING]

[LAUGHING]

Right, right.

Take a left... No, you're going towards the expressway!

Take a U-turn on...

Make a U-turn on Flint Street...

No, you're going towards the expressway! What is that?

No, wait, make a U-turn!

- Where are we going? - Just relax.

[SCREAMING]

[MRS. FACKLER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER RADIO]

Not a word.

MRS. FACKLER: - then you go around. Stop! Don't...

[BOTH LAUGH]

[GUESTS CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

We're with the Governor at the trophy.

The purpose of the regatta, of course...

is we're hoping to raise about $20,000 for my campaign.

I was going to-

MAN 1: Good luck, Governor. - We're moving toward the punch bowl.

Hello, Judge. Pick a winner, huh?

CADETS: We've stopped.

- Would you back off? CADETS: We're backing off.

What are you trying to do, injure him?

Comdt. Mauser's cadets never abandon their posts, sir!

Unlike some cadets I might mention, sir!

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Holy cow!

Mahoney.

Mahoney, somebody, I need help.

I need help.

Listen, the busboys...

are shooting my nose.

MRS. FACKLER: Did you read that? Was that for real?

We heard it. Sir?

- Maybe we better check it out. - What about the evaluation?

One of my boys may be in trouble. Screw the evaluation.

I love it when you talk dirty, sir.

Mahoney must think he's as dumb as we are.

- We're not gonna fall for that stuff. - Yeah.

He must be getting desperate, trying to sucker us with that crap.

[GUESTS CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY AND LAUGHING]

Go.

ROBBER 1 Come on, let's go. Come on.

ROBBER 2: Get your hands in the air. It's a stickup!

[SCREAMING]

If there was trouble, Baxter would let us know.

Take them, boys.

Don't you touch that.

No, not the one for bravery.

[SIRENS WAILING]

MAHONEY: There's the Yacht Club.

ADAMS: How are we gonna get there, Sergeant?

How do you look in a wet suit?

Hand over your money and jewels and nobody gets hurt!

You'll never get away with this. I'm the Governor.

The Governor? Did you hear that, boys? We got the Governor.

ROBBERS: Hooray!

You must be breaking your mother's heart.

Why don't you ask her? She's right over there.

Hi.

- Oh, yeah. She looks like you. - Hmm?

Gather our boys. We got trouble coming!

[SCREAMING]

Spread out, spread out. Spread.

I can't get Baxter.

Something's going on at the marina. Right over there. Take the next right.

Just relax. You've got the right to remain silent.

- You passed it. - They're not yielding.

- Pull over to the right. - Yield!

You're missing it. There goes the right.

We're in a police car and they're not yielding.

[ROBBER SCREAMS]

[LAUGHS]

Move!

MAHONEY: Stop. Hold it. - Mahoney!

Police officer. Stop right there!

Karen, I'm going after the Governor.

- Are you okay? ADAMS: Yes.

- You do look good in a wet suit. ADAMS: So do you.

[MIMICKING REVVING ENGINE]

[MIMICKING HOMING DEVICE]

CADET: Freeze!

Drop it!

Go ahead. Make my day...

punk!

ROBBERS: Freeze, cop!

Uh-oh. Trouble.

Banzai!

Yeah.

[BOTH SCREAMING]

I didn't mean to hit you.

[ZED GRUNTING]

I hate you. I hate you.

Hey. Pull over.

ADAMS: Mahoney, you all right?

I'm okay. Just keep going.

MAN 1: Hey.

Get out of my way, old man.

[ROBBER SCREAMING]

Mahoney's in trouble. Let's go!

You got it. Oh!

[SWEETCHUCK SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

[ZED LAUGHING]

MAUSER: Proctor, you're an idiot.

You were born an idiot, you'll always be an idiot.

[ENGINE SPUTTERING]

[JONES MIMICKING ALARM]

Dive.

[MAHONEY SCREAMING]

Whoa!

Yahoo!

MAUSER: Move it, Proctor.

I got this side, you paddle on the other side.

Uh-oh. Oh. Hey, hey, hey!

Hold it!

PROCTOR: Hey! - No, no, no!

You okay, sir?

Aah! Look out.

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

Let's talk. Ha!

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

[CRASHING]

MAN 1: You okay? WOMAN 1: You need help?

WOMAN 2: Where's the Governor? MAN 2: Governor!

[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Don't move, dirt bag!

All right! Can we go again?

[CHEERING AND WHISTLING]

[SCREAMING]

MAHONEY: I'd like to thank the members of my racing team for their assistance.

I couldn't have won...

LASSARD: -without the help of my many wonderful instructors...

and my many fine cadets.

Thanks to all...

this academy will carry on its fine tradition.

[CHEERING]

Ha!