Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, we got a brand new batch.

Now, apparently, this batch is very, very good.

And I'm on my A game, so I promise you I ain't laughing this video.

Not one.

It has been 67.

Days since my son's suicide.

Nah, that was bad for me. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Would you be gay for one hour for a billion dollars?

Shit, for a billion dollars? Hi, sugar.

How you doing?

No.

Huh?

How much is it?

Bastard.

Bastard.

Let me ask you a question.

When's the last time you've seen a statue? What's that?

Let me look underneath it.

Whoa!

I mean, wow.

Soft as well.

Stop looking at me. I'll get my boyfriend. Get your boyfriend. Is he

and handsome?

I hope so.

We've got room for one more.

Loads more.

That was unexpected.

And clear of the closing doors, please.

What is?

Someone's dressed up as a tree.

Nah, y 'all not hearing him though. OG's being straight. Oh my.

Oh my.

My cat, Charlie, died. We cremated her and I put her inside of this baby's

This baby, so beautiful, but it's a boy and Charlie is a girl.

What the?

You could commit a crime, but the crime you commit could not be committed ever

again. What crime would you commit?

What? For whatever I do this crime. Once you do this crime. No one after me can

do it. No one. It will never happen again.

I don't commit any crime.

Any crime.

Like me, bro, there's things that I'm, like, personal about.

Like, well, I, that, bro, the safety of women and children is big to me, bro. I

hate rapists, and I hate people.

Like... No.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, I know.

Where's he going with this man?

You already know what he wants to do man

Go study before I pray with your answer.

Bro, piss off.

That's actually got me mad, man. Like, it's not my fault. It's just how I've

genetically become.

If I could tolerate it, I would, bro. I, and you know what? I still do.

I still eat cheese. I still drink milk.

I just suck what I was after.

But you know what?

I don't mind.

I don't care.

Dickheads. It's the same thing as those who make fun of people who love hay

fever. It's not my fault. I'm allergic to flowers.

Sorry, though. I'm actually doing all right.

You already know she gave the deadest slops, man.

Why is that entering my brain? Why do I never think before I speak?

Wicked, wicked. Why am I thinking about that, man?

Yes, sir.

Bombaclot Wallahi.

Wait, you should be making shawarma, man. What do you know about Jamaican

Nah,

in a way, my man said Bombaclot Wallahi.

What?

Those two together.

My head hurts.

Try it and you will think I'm Jamaican, man. All right, if I take one bite of

this and it tastes like the Jamaican food I usually get in Brooklyn, then I

do the meanest dirty wine.

Is this your boyfriend No, you are so fine.

You're like gorgeous. Give me your number.

Oh My god, who are you dating?

This is so fucking dumb. I'm trying to take a shit.

They can walk past and just look at my whole look. What the fuck?

This is stupid.

Bro, I'm feeling hella vulnerable right now. Who thought of this shit, bro?

Who made these thaw doors?

Did he? What the fuck is going on, man?

The thing is, I would be the guy to go, Bigaboo.

Come with me to do a break -in and enter -in.

I work in the same area I live in, so commute's always by foot. Today's client

was an older lady, very lovely lady, know her very well. We go to the same

church, we get on very well. I overheard her saying that she had a lot of

valuable stuff in her house and she was looking to get rid of it, so that's why

I'm here today. I knew she'd be at church at this time, because I should be

there too, but I was very mindful and thought I'd come round and take some of

these people and I went out and I sent her a beautiful, a big, that's a look

the delight. And if I do something, I get out and I get caught.

So it's time for me to leave. Comment down below if you think I should finish

the job off properly.

Oh, that's good front flip.

Why did he specify those

two things?

As if, what, that's all it takes for a nigga like me to come running?

My name is fucking playing for Ukraine, though, I can't lie.

I don't know how I feel about it, honestly.

Yeah, it was, like, six, seven months ago, and then... Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was, like, six, seven months ago, and then, like... What?

Huh?

Huh?! Is that brother in jail? Because he needs to be. Wait.

Ain't no way this is fat jail.

Hold up. I need to verify this.

All right, we got the lyrics.

Yo, I'm that nigger that will kidnap your kids.

Take them home, fuck them good, then send them back to you in bandages.

Oh, this isn't Fat Joe. This is a guy called Keith Knott. Get this guy away

all children. Get him away from all schools, all playgrounds. Like, what is

this? What? Bro probably wrote this down, spat in the mic, and said, yeah, I

could. Like, what the hell?

What Why did the Supergirl actress dress like a dude at the event?

I don't know John. Why did you beat your wife?

Don't worry, we'll wait It's my birthday today, so be fucking nice

A little bit of distance there.

Like, do you need a ladder to kiss her?

This brother needs plane tickets just to kiss his wife. You know what I mean?

Why you on your knees and - Get down, boy!

Get the - Nah,

Team Rocket's crazy.

Listen.

Easy go.

Easy go.

Oh my God, what is this? Tell me that's not Dave Chappelle's kid, man.

Tell me that's... No, man.

No, the mouth movements is wild.

What's up bro?

What the fuck?

They almost got me. They almost got me. Bro.

Peter Parker sent them into a whole different monomer for that one. Jesus.

The thing

is, to get top listener, and

I hardly release any music this year. That's crazy.

Fair play.

Hopefully in 2026, we'll be releasing bangers, man.

What's that black girl that plays WNBA?

Angel Reese. Look at me, look at me. I'm Angel Reese.

It's your birthday.

Not important, man. Please shut up.

I don't do crowd work, all right? I'm not Matt Wright, all right? I wrote some

shit. I was going to give it to you.

I didn't ask anybody where they work or what the fuck.

How long have you been together?

Next time you see a crowd work comedian, don't fucking talk to them.

They'll crumble. Like, hey, where do you work? Just go do your fucking jokes,

man. They're like, what the fuck is happening?

Stop talking to them.

Crowd work is the biggest gaslight in the history of gaslighting.

Because we are professional talkers and we have electricity.

And you don't. And then they go, how long have you been together? And then

you'll be like, um, you don't even know how long. And now they're in a fucking

fight on the way home. Like, what the fuck was that back there?

Now they're going to break up just because some fucking comic didn't write

joke.

It's so annoying.

No matter what they do, they'll make you look like a little pussy.

Comic's like, what's with that shirt?

And then you're like, it's just a shirt. And they'll be like, oh, Mr.

Confident with his fucking shirt.

But then if you're like, I don't know, I don't even like this shirt. They're

like, you wore a shirt you don't even like? What the fuck? You're like, it's

just...

Mutants.

What was that man?

He going to hell man. He threw this disabled nigga in the motherfucking

What? This nigga looking like a motherfucking piece of chicken fry. Look

That's crazy.

It is amazing. My girls were completely engrossed by it when we were watching

it. Because it really does make you feel like you're inside this 11 year old

girl.

In a...

Profoundly wholesome way.

When did you stop?

When did I stop touching other children?

What?

What? No!

You know how it's called free play? Do you think they would create a new one?

And call it full play.

Don't do that I'll say if you got a vest on

and a clipboard you can get away with anything.

So let's go check it out See

guys it is just this easy bro is this easy is this easy, bro Wow

Wow

You never really know job hard someone is until you have to do it. So what so

it's very smart Martin. No, why man?

Good, I'm good. I'm holding it. I'm holding it together, man.

So why the fuck do we got to shut two lanes down for these little bitty ass,

bitch ass kids on the fucking right side and none of them coming from the left?

Look over the left.

Nobody's coming from over there.

One.

Let's go.

Oh my, oh man.

Nah, that build, unique.

One of a kind.

You gotta respect that build, man, because that is unbelievable.

I don't even know how to do this.

Like, it's easy to be in shape, get six pack, you know, muscles and all of that.

Try getting that physique. I bet you, you can't. Like I said, unique.

I needed to see this.

Well, he about to look crazy.

No. No.

Oh, my God, he's clapped.

Oh, no, bro, you looked like a king before. Now you just look like a worse

version of Peter Griffin.

The aura lost.

Oh, no.

Bro looks like a frog with the way he's, you know.

Anyway, I'm telling you, man. Put a picture of Randolph and a picture of

Beers. Now imagine them without Beers.

Disgusting. This is why they'll never save.

I get it.

my god wait why why are you pointing at me yo what did i do no don't point at me

no i don't want any of that please please

Yeah, right. Next thing you know, we'll end up on Epstein's Island.

If you guys showed up on Epstein's Island, they'd be furious.

No! The pussy is spoiled.

Send it back.

Listen, why have you just put five pints of smash underneath the photo of my

dog?

I don't think I need to explain why. I've answered all your questions there.

in case you need me to explain it, it would take me five pints to smash the

out of your dog.

And you've got bars as well. Man's got the bars and that. Yeah, man's got the

bars, yeah. Ching -chong for the wing -wong.

My doorbell went ding -dong. It was a Chinese girl called Ting -Tong. Love it,

love it, love it.

When drug dealers call you from prison, they always ask the same question.

They're always like, who would have thought I'd go from driving the Benz to

sleeping in a cell?

Everybody.

That's why we asked you to stop.

Damn. Whoa.

That's why you have a dog. He can't fucking interrupt you. That's right.

Why does he look the same?

He looks the same.

He looks identical.

You've got to show him after you record it.

Ladies and gents, we're back with Jamie Carragher outside of Stanford Bridge.

Jamie, what's your thoughts on Chelsea being fought from the table?

Forget that. Let's talk about Mo Salah. Sorry, what does Mo Salah have to do

with this? What are you talking about? You're not listening to me, are you?

Listen, Mo Salah, you failed at this club and then you went over to Roma and

then you came back to Liverpool and you think you're a big shot all of a sudden.

Listen, Mo Salah, I think you should go to Sardy. You know, the money's good and

you speak Arabic.

But listen, Mo Salah, leave Liverpool before Liverpool leaves you.

This is me. This is me.

I mean, fair.

Since he first published his very first book with Harper Collins back in 2008,

The Boy in the Dress, he's gone on to publish a further more than 40... Oh,

it, I'm going to start again. Sorry, do not ever air me saying the F word. Oh,

my God.

Well, David Walliams is one of Britain's best -selling children's authors...

Wait, what?

So apologies if you heard any bad language there. We'll check that out.

Their faces!

I can't believe it!

Alright, that is it, ladies and gentlemen. God damn it, we're at the

Fuck!

Anyway, thank you guys for watching. Don't subscribe, alright? I think we're

currently on 350 ,000 subscribers.

Why? I keep telling you to not subscribe, so stop doing that. God's

Anyway... Thank you for watching. Take care and peace.