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1
00:00:02,436 --> 00:00:02,903
Hey.
2
00:00:02,970 --> 00:00:03,904
Hey.
3
00:00:03,971 --> 00:00:05,173
What are you
doing home?
4
00:00:05,239 --> 00:00:07,341
Linda is spending time
with her son tonight.
5
00:00:07,408 --> 00:00:09,277
Apparently, she's one
of those single moms
6
00:00:09,343 --> 00:00:11,545
that puts her kid first.
7
00:00:12,980 --> 00:00:14,648
The bitch.
8
00:00:16,817 --> 00:00:20,121
You're just saying that
'cause our mom put us third.
9
00:00:20,188 --> 00:00:23,891
Fourth after she got
the Datsun 280-Z.
10
00:00:23,957 --> 00:00:26,627
So whatcha you doing?
11
00:00:26,694 --> 00:00:28,429
Paying our household bills.
12
00:00:28,496 --> 00:00:31,365
You're a good wife, Alan.
13
00:00:32,900 --> 00:00:36,170
I can't believe some lucky fella
hasn't snapped you up.
14
00:00:36,237 --> 00:00:38,739
Probably the penis.
15
00:00:40,908 --> 00:00:43,177
That's usually
a deal-breaker.
16
00:00:43,244 --> 00:00:46,514
So, how are we doing
bill-wise?
17
00:00:46,580 --> 00:00:47,748
Not very well.
18
00:00:47,815 --> 00:00:49,850
Are you aware
you haven't had a paying job
19
00:00:49,917 --> 00:00:51,285
in over nine months?
20
00:00:51,352 --> 00:00:55,289
Are you aware that urine cures
athlete's foot?
21
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:03,364
Seriously, you've got a big pile
of bills and no money coming in.
22
00:01:03,431 --> 00:01:04,965
Seriously,
no itching, no burning,
23
00:01:05,032 --> 00:01:06,434
just clears it right up.
24
00:01:07,835 --> 00:01:10,204
The drug companies don't
want you to know about it
25
00:01:10,271 --> 00:01:12,373
because it's free.
26
00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:15,543
Charlie, you're unemployed!
27
00:01:15,609 --> 00:01:16,844
I know.
28
00:01:16,910 --> 00:01:19,513
Haven't you heard?
The jingle business is dead.
29
00:01:19,580 --> 00:01:21,549
How would I hear that?
Who would have told me?
30
00:01:21,615 --> 00:01:24,352
It was in all
the jingle magazines.
31
00:01:25,853 --> 00:01:28,088
You know, before they went
out of business.
32
00:01:28,156 --> 00:01:31,792
Everybody's using
old rock songs now.
33
00:01:31,859 --> 00:01:33,161
They're not gonna hire
a guy like me
34
00:01:33,227 --> 00:01:34,628
to write a jingle for tampons
35
00:01:34,695 --> 00:01:37,698
when they can just play
"Stuck in the Middle with You."
36
00:01:43,304 --> 00:01:46,540
This doesn't concern you at all?
37
00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:48,242
Nah, something will turn up.
38
00:01:48,309 --> 00:01:50,211
How can you be so sure?
39
00:01:50,278 --> 00:01:52,780
Hey, do you have any idea how
I got in the jingle business?
40
00:01:52,846 --> 00:01:55,283
No.
Neither do I.
41
00:01:56,350 --> 00:01:58,586
But look how good
that worked out.
42
00:01:58,652 --> 00:02:01,622
Charlie, you cannot just depend
on the kindness of the universe.
43
00:02:01,689 --> 00:02:02,990
I have to.
44
00:02:03,056 --> 00:02:05,459
I don't have an older brother
I can sponge off of.
45
00:02:07,461 --> 00:02:11,165
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go pee on my feet.
46
00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:16,136
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
47
00:02:16,204 --> 00:02:19,607
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
48
00:02:21,342 --> 00:02:23,911
(muttering)
49
00:02:31,719 --> 00:02:34,388
(muttering louder)
50
00:02:40,361 --> 00:02:42,830
(continues muttering)
51
00:02:57,645 --> 00:02:58,779
Okay...
52
00:03:00,013 --> 00:03:02,616
Oh, crap.
53
00:03:03,951 --> 00:03:05,586
Berta, you got a minute?
54
00:03:05,653 --> 00:03:07,421
What's on your mind,
Princess?
55
00:03:08,956 --> 00:03:12,059
Well, um, first and foremost,
you know that we consider you
56
00:03:12,125 --> 00:03:13,627
a beloved member
of this family.
57
00:03:13,694 --> 00:03:16,864
Alan, you can roll manure
in powdered sugar,
58
00:03:16,930 --> 00:03:18,932
but it still ain't
a jelly donut.
59
00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:22,636
Now, now, see,
that right there,
60
00:03:22,703 --> 00:03:26,574
that's one of the things
that we love about you.
61
00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:28,208
Folksy...
Spill it, Mildred.
62
00:03:28,276 --> 00:03:29,677
Right, right.
63
00:03:29,743 --> 00:03:32,313
Well, I'm not sure
you're aware of this,
64
00:03:32,380 --> 00:03:33,781
but it's been
quite some time
65
00:03:33,847 --> 00:03:35,916
since Charlie has
had any actual income.
66
00:03:35,983 --> 00:03:37,651
Okay.
67
00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:40,788
And I can't help but notice
that you're the only
68
00:03:40,854 --> 00:03:44,358
beloved family member
actually drawing a salary.
69
00:03:44,425 --> 00:03:47,595
I'm also the only beloved
family member
70
00:03:47,661 --> 00:03:50,264
who takes a toothbrush
to your kid's skivvies.
71
00:03:52,099 --> 00:03:55,803
And... and we can never begin
to repay you for that,
72
00:03:55,869 --> 00:03:58,238
but-but during these difficult
financial times
73
00:03:58,306 --> 00:03:59,840
we all have to...
74
00:03:59,907 --> 00:04:03,010
For the record, it's not
my toothbrush, right?
75
00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:08,549
Not right now, but cut my pay
and all bets are off.
76
00:04:08,616 --> 00:04:10,250
Come on, Berta.
Be reasonable.
77
00:04:10,318 --> 00:04:13,554
This might be more than just a
temporary dry spell for Charlie.
78
00:04:13,621 --> 00:04:16,957
Look, I know things
may seem dark right now,
79
00:04:17,024 --> 00:04:19,393
but I've known Charlie
a lot longer than you have.
80
00:04:19,460 --> 00:04:21,395
Um, technically,
that's not true.
81
00:04:21,462 --> 00:04:22,863
Are you gonna let me talk?
82
00:04:22,930 --> 00:04:25,032
Sorry.
83
00:04:25,098 --> 00:04:26,534
One thing I've learned
84
00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:28,369
working for Mr. Charles
Roscoe Harper...
85
00:04:28,436 --> 00:04:30,137
His middle name
isn't Roscoe...
86
00:04:30,203 --> 00:04:31,939
Who's telling the story?!
87
00:04:32,005 --> 00:04:34,908
Continue.
88
00:04:34,975 --> 00:04:37,244
Anyway, what I've learned is
89
00:04:37,311 --> 00:04:39,313
God takes care
of drunks and fools,
90
00:04:39,380 --> 00:04:42,282
and C. Roscoe Harper is both.
91
00:04:46,987 --> 00:04:49,423
His middle name is Francis.
92
00:04:52,225 --> 00:04:54,094
Hey. What's going on?
93
00:04:54,161 --> 00:04:56,296
Trying to save you
a little money around here.
94
00:04:56,364 --> 00:04:57,831
Ah. Good man.
95
00:04:57,898 --> 00:04:59,266
Appreciate it.
96
00:04:59,333 --> 00:05:02,336
Check out
what I bought Linda.
97
00:05:05,373 --> 00:05:07,040
Diamond earrings?
98
00:05:07,107 --> 00:05:08,876
She's a classy woman, Alan.
99
00:05:08,942 --> 00:05:11,311
She's not going be impressed
with a continental breakfast
100
00:05:11,379 --> 00:05:13,547
and a copy of the video.
101
00:05:17,184 --> 00:05:18,919
Be that as it may,
102
00:05:18,986 --> 00:05:21,889
you can't keep spending money
you don't have.
103
00:05:21,955 --> 00:05:23,156
Oh, relax.
104
00:05:23,223 --> 00:05:24,358
Something will turn up.
105
00:05:24,425 --> 00:05:25,726
Will you stop saying that?
106
00:05:25,793 --> 00:05:27,094
Things don't just "turn up."
107
00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:28,396
You're living in a dream world.
108
00:05:28,462 --> 00:05:29,897
Money doesn't just fall
from the sky.
109
00:05:29,963 --> 00:05:32,733
Obviously, you've never
been sitting ringside
110
00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:36,003
when a pole dancer
hangs upside down.
111
00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:41,975
* Men.
112
00:05:42,042 --> 00:05:43,611
So did you buy this
for your girlfriend
113
00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:45,012
because you're breaking up
with her?
114
00:05:45,078 --> 00:05:46,346
No.
115
00:05:46,414 --> 00:05:48,248
Why would you think that?
116
00:05:48,315 --> 00:05:49,349
Because you always give jewelry
to girls
117
00:05:49,417 --> 00:05:51,184
you're getting ready to dump.
118
00:05:51,251 --> 00:05:53,120
Very observant.
119
00:05:53,186 --> 00:05:55,756
You watch, you learn.
120
00:05:55,823 --> 00:05:58,659
Well, this isn't "breakup"
jewelry.
121
00:05:58,726 --> 00:06:01,662
This is "I like you,
stick around" jewelry.
122
00:06:01,729 --> 00:06:03,363
What's the difference?
123
00:06:03,431 --> 00:06:05,499
About 1,500 bucks.
124
00:06:07,134 --> 00:06:09,703
But let's back up a step.
125
00:06:09,770 --> 00:06:12,540
A gentleman never "dumps"
a lady.
126
00:06:12,606 --> 00:06:13,941
He merely acknowledges the fact
127
00:06:14,007 --> 00:06:15,876
that a relationship
has run its course
128
00:06:15,943 --> 00:06:19,012
by presenting her
with a memento,
129
00:06:19,079 --> 00:06:22,082
a keepsake, if you will,
of their time together.
130
00:06:22,149 --> 00:06:25,185
Remember that big blonde who
threw the toaster oven at you?
131
00:06:25,252 --> 00:06:28,088
Yeah, I remember.
132
00:06:28,155 --> 00:06:29,957
Or when that yoga teacher
who chucked
133
00:06:30,023 --> 00:06:32,125
the fire extinguisher
through your windshield?
134
00:06:32,192 --> 00:06:33,961
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
135
00:06:34,027 --> 00:06:35,529
And there was that actress
who set fire...
136
00:06:35,596 --> 00:06:38,599
It's not a perfect system, Jake.
137
00:06:40,367 --> 00:06:42,670
* Men.
138
00:06:42,736 --> 00:06:47,074
Oh, Charlie...
they're beautiful.
139
00:06:47,140 --> 00:06:48,509
You do realize
140
00:06:48,576 --> 00:06:51,144
I was going to sleep
with you tonight anyway.
141
00:06:51,211 --> 00:06:53,781
This is just a little bonus.
142
00:06:53,847 --> 00:06:55,315
Like when you get
to a baseball game
143
00:06:55,382 --> 00:06:57,217
and find out
it's helmet night.
144
00:06:57,284 --> 00:06:59,920
You silver-tongued devil.
145
00:06:59,987 --> 00:07:04,458
Well, I don't know about silver,
but you'll find I am tongued.
146
00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:08,161
(doorbell rings)
147
00:07:08,228 --> 00:07:09,563
If you ignore that,
148
00:07:09,630 --> 00:07:11,465
there's a matching necklace
in it for you.
149
00:07:13,333 --> 00:07:15,168
Why don't you open the wine?
150
00:07:16,470 --> 00:07:20,040
LINDA:
Gary, what are you
doing here?
151
00:07:20,107 --> 00:07:22,476
GARY:
I'm sorry, I tried to call,
but your line's been busy.
152
00:07:22,543 --> 00:07:23,811
LINDA:
What do you mean
my line's been busy?
153
00:07:23,877 --> 00:07:25,112
I haven't been
on the phone.
154
00:07:25,178 --> 00:07:26,847
GARY:
Well, I must've
called 20 times.
155
00:07:26,914 --> 00:07:29,049
LINDA:
Fine. What do you want?
156
00:07:29,116 --> 00:07:32,820
GARY:
I have to go to New York tonight
and I can't take Brandon.
157
00:07:32,886 --> 00:07:35,122
But I have company.
And I have
an emergency board...
158
00:07:35,188 --> 00:07:36,356
Who are you?
159
00:07:36,423 --> 00:07:37,858
I'm Charlie.
160
00:07:37,925 --> 00:07:39,326
I'm Brandon.
161
00:07:39,392 --> 00:07:40,594
Nice to meet you, Brandon.
162
00:07:40,661 --> 00:07:42,229
You know...
163
00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:44,632
I have a nephew about your age.
164
00:07:44,698 --> 00:07:46,834
(Linda and Gary
continue arguing)
165
00:07:46,900 --> 00:07:48,168
Hey, Dad, did you
give Mom a present
166
00:07:48,235 --> 00:07:51,605
when you got divorced?
(doorbell rings)
167
00:07:51,672 --> 00:07:52,906
A present?
168
00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:55,776
Yeah, a memento
of your time together.
169
00:07:57,277 --> 00:08:01,582
Jake, buddy, you're the memento
of our time together.
170
00:08:02,783 --> 00:08:05,819
So you were too cheap
to get her earrings.
171
00:08:07,254 --> 00:08:09,322
She did better than earrings.
172
00:08:09,389 --> 00:08:12,325
She got my family jewels.
173
00:08:12,392 --> 00:08:13,126
Hi, honey.
174
00:08:13,193 --> 00:08:14,494
Hi, Mom.
175
00:08:14,562 --> 00:08:17,030
When you die, do I get
Dad's family jewels?
176
00:08:17,097 --> 00:08:18,298
What?
177
00:08:18,365 --> 00:08:20,133
Nothing. Just go inside.
178
00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:21,969
Okay, well, thanks
for dropping him off.
179
00:08:22,035 --> 00:08:24,171
Uh, Judith, hang on a second.
180
00:08:24,237 --> 00:08:25,405
What?
181
00:08:25,472 --> 00:08:28,008
Um... how's it going?
182
00:08:28,075 --> 00:08:29,643
Good.
183
00:08:29,710 --> 00:08:31,211
So your, uh, your new marriage
going well?
184
00:08:31,278 --> 00:08:32,479
Herb's okay?
185
00:08:32,546 --> 00:08:34,047
What do you want, Alan?
186
00:08:34,114 --> 00:08:36,316
Charlie's jingle business
is dead,
187
00:08:36,383 --> 00:08:37,484
and I'm going to be homeless.
188
00:08:37,551 --> 00:08:39,052
Well, you can't stay here.
189
00:08:39,119 --> 00:08:40,721
Oh, no, no...
190
00:08:40,788 --> 00:08:42,289
That's not
what I was getting at,
191
00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:46,226
but it's good to know
that door is firmly closed.
192
00:08:46,293 --> 00:08:47,695
Uh, no, what I was hoping
193
00:08:47,761 --> 00:08:51,364
was that we could talk
about the child support.
194
00:08:51,431 --> 00:08:53,133
What about my child support?
195
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:56,970
Ah, ah. Well, technically
it's Jake's child support,
196
00:08:57,037 --> 00:09:00,340
hence the term "child," um...
197
00:09:00,407 --> 00:09:03,977
But I-I just thought maybe
we could make some trims.
198
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:05,646
Uh, for instance,
the karate classes,
199
00:09:05,713 --> 00:09:07,480
the, uh, archery lessons,
200
00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:09,082
the algebra tutor.
201
00:09:09,149 --> 00:09:11,118
I mean, I don't
know about you,
202
00:09:11,184 --> 00:09:12,586
but, uh, I've never seen him,
you know,
203
00:09:12,653 --> 00:09:15,055
break a board or, uh,
string a bow.
204
00:09:15,122 --> 00:09:18,592
And, uh, and the algebra tutor,
I mean, who are we kidding?
205
00:09:19,927 --> 00:09:22,830
That's like putting
swim fins on a cat.
206
00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:24,865
He needs the tutor;
he likes the lessons;
207
00:09:24,932 --> 00:09:26,634
and I'm not going to ask Herb
to pay for them.
208
00:09:26,700 --> 00:09:28,501
That's okay. I'll ask him.
Is he home?
209
00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:30,303
Good-bye, Alan.
210
00:09:32,940 --> 00:09:34,374
How about I stay
in Jake's tree house?!
211
00:09:34,441 --> 00:09:36,343
He never uses it!
212
00:09:37,845 --> 00:09:39,913
Kid doesn't
even like to climb stairs.
213
00:09:39,980 --> 00:09:41,982
* Men.
214
00:09:42,049 --> 00:09:44,451
Come on, sweetheart,
just one little bite.
215
00:09:44,517 --> 00:09:45,819
No.
216
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:48,889
He's not usually this cranky.
217
00:09:48,956 --> 00:09:51,191
Have you tried a little whiskey
in his sippy cup?
218
00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:52,793
Charlie.
219
00:09:52,860 --> 00:09:55,362
I'm just saying.
It worked on my brother.
220
00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:56,697
You really did that?
221
00:09:56,764 --> 00:09:58,999
I still do it.
222
00:09:59,066 --> 00:10:01,669
You know what? I'm just going
to make him a hot dog.
223
00:10:01,735 --> 00:10:02,936
You want a hot dog?
224
00:10:03,003 --> 00:10:03,704
Sure.
225
00:10:03,771 --> 00:10:05,673
I was talking to my son.
226
00:10:05,739 --> 00:10:07,374
What, you just got the one?
227
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,943
I'll be right back.
228
00:10:10,010 --> 00:10:13,346
Come on, kid, just have
a little corn, and then bedtime.
229
00:10:13,413 --> 00:10:15,348
For both of us.
230
00:10:15,415 --> 00:10:16,383
No.
231
00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:18,285
Oh, for the love of God.
232
00:10:18,351 --> 00:10:20,120
I don't come to Gymboree
233
00:10:20,187 --> 00:10:22,756
and knock the blocks
out of your hand.
234
00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:25,358
Come on.
235
00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:29,529
It's corn-tastic.
236
00:10:29,596 --> 00:10:32,332
Mmm.
237
00:10:32,399 --> 00:10:35,535
* I like corn,
it tastes real sweet *
238
00:10:35,602 --> 00:10:37,805
* I don't like peas
239
00:10:37,871 --> 00:10:39,740
* They taste like feet
240
00:10:41,274 --> 00:10:44,778
* Corn's the king
of the veggie food group *
241
00:10:44,845 --> 00:10:48,048
* And it looks the same
when it's in your poop. *
242
00:10:50,918 --> 00:10:52,786
(laughing):
Son of a bitch.
243
00:10:53,620 --> 00:10:55,723
I mean, "Golly!"
244
00:10:56,623 --> 00:10:58,926
* Men...
245
00:11:00,761 --> 00:11:03,430
(rings doorbell)
246
00:11:09,502 --> 00:11:11,571
Hi, Mom.
247
00:11:11,638 --> 00:11:13,473
(over intercom):
Hello, Alan.
248
00:11:13,540 --> 00:11:15,776
Uh... got a minute?
249
00:11:15,843 --> 00:11:17,945
Mm... sure.
250
00:11:23,283 --> 00:11:26,686
I-I mean, could you come
to the door?
251
00:11:26,754 --> 00:11:28,455
Oh.
252
00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:30,490
Uh... no.
253
00:11:30,557 --> 00:11:33,093
Please. Mom, it's important.
254
00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:35,562
I'm... I'm having
a real crisis here.
255
00:11:35,628 --> 00:11:38,331
Oh, darling, I'm so sorry.
256
00:11:38,398 --> 00:11:40,400
Well, good luck with that.
257
00:11:41,501 --> 00:11:43,971
Mom, please.
258
00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:45,472
(sighs)
259
00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:47,374
I'm such a pushover.
260
00:11:49,509 --> 00:11:51,044
(softly):
The money isn't just for me.
261
00:11:51,111 --> 00:11:53,380
It's for Charlie
and your only grandson.
262
00:11:54,848 --> 00:11:57,117
I'll just be a
minute, Teddy!
263
00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:04,324
What can I do for you, Alan?
264
00:12:06,894 --> 00:12:09,029
Nothing. Never mind.
265
00:12:10,931 --> 00:12:14,401
What? I'm not entitled
to a love life?
266
00:12:16,469 --> 00:12:20,808
I'm ready for my punishment,
headmaster.
267
00:12:23,343 --> 00:12:26,880
(mimics roaring)
268
00:12:26,947 --> 00:12:31,684
So... you must
be getting tired, huh?
269
00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:33,653
(yawns)
270
00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:35,455
No shame in calling it a night.
271
00:12:35,522 --> 00:12:37,657
I got to go pee-pee.
272
00:12:37,724 --> 00:12:38,959
All right, go ahead.
273
00:12:39,026 --> 00:12:40,828
First pee-pee, then beddy-bye.
274
00:12:40,894 --> 00:12:43,530
Beats the other way around.
Trust me.
275
00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:45,398
I got to go pee-pee now.
276
00:12:45,465 --> 00:12:48,068
Linda, he says
he's got to go pee-pee!
277
00:12:48,135 --> 00:12:49,436
LINDA:
Would you mind taking him?
278
00:12:49,502 --> 00:12:51,038
Me?
279
00:12:51,104 --> 00:12:53,540
He can't undo his pants,
and I'm doing the dishes.
280
00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:57,477
Fine. Let's go pee-pee.
281
00:12:59,679 --> 00:13:01,081
Don't feel bad.
282
00:13:01,148 --> 00:13:04,051
I can't always undo
my pants, either.
283
00:13:06,319 --> 00:13:07,620
(sighs)
284
00:13:07,687 --> 00:13:08,822
What are you waiting for?
285
00:13:08,889 --> 00:13:11,058
I don't have to
anymore.
286
00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:13,927
Linda, he says
he doesn't have to anymore!
287
00:13:13,994 --> 00:13:15,963
LINDA:
Trust me:
he has to.
288
00:13:16,029 --> 00:13:19,132
You heard the lady.
Let 'er rip.
289
00:13:19,199 --> 00:13:21,101
No.
290
00:13:21,168 --> 00:13:22,735
Okay.
291
00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:25,238
Okay, how about this?
292
00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:28,441
You're a giant,
and there's a...
293
00:13:28,508 --> 00:13:29,843
there's a tiny village
294
00:13:29,910 --> 00:13:31,511
in the toilet bowl
that's on fire,
295
00:13:31,578 --> 00:13:36,416
and you have to put it out
by whizzing all over it.
296
00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:38,085
Hey, look!
297
00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:40,520
Here comes
the giant now!
298
00:13:41,855 --> 00:13:44,524
(in deep voice):
* I had a root beer
299
00:13:44,591 --> 00:13:46,059
* I had a Coke
300
00:13:46,126 --> 00:13:47,827
* I need to pee
301
00:13:47,895 --> 00:13:50,397
* Hey, I smell smoke.
302
00:13:50,463 --> 00:13:51,999
(in normal voice):
* Giant, giant
303
00:13:52,065 --> 00:13:54,067
* Up in the sky
304
00:13:54,134 --> 00:13:58,071
* Grab your firehose,
let it fly! *
305
00:13:58,138 --> 00:13:59,973
(deep voice):
* Close your windows
306
00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:01,808
* Lock your doors
307
00:14:01,875 --> 00:14:06,746
* 'Cause when I rain,
it really pours. *
308
00:14:06,813 --> 00:14:09,316
(urinating)
309
00:14:09,382 --> 00:14:11,651
There you go.
310
00:14:11,718 --> 00:14:12,986
Hey, hey, hey.
311
00:14:13,053 --> 00:14:15,989
I'm the only one
who gets to pee on my feet.
312
00:14:20,827 --> 00:14:23,196
Come on, buddy,
right in here.
313
00:14:23,263 --> 00:14:26,699
Hey, Berta,
look what I got.
314
00:14:26,766 --> 00:14:28,168
Big deal--
it's a freaking miracle
315
00:14:28,235 --> 00:14:30,337
you don't have ten of 'em.
316
00:14:30,403 --> 00:14:33,773
This is Linda's
son, Brandon.
317
00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:35,608
I'm Brandon.
318
00:14:35,675 --> 00:14:37,077
I got ears.
319
00:14:37,144 --> 00:14:39,612
So, what's he
doing here?
320
00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:40,880
I'm baby-sitting.
321
00:14:40,948 --> 00:14:42,615
You?
Why not me?
322
00:14:42,682 --> 00:14:44,584
You're a rum-soaked degenerate.
323
00:14:44,651 --> 00:14:48,188
Yeah, but it turns out,
I have child skills.
324
00:14:48,255 --> 00:14:50,323
I already got him
to eat his vegetables
325
00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:52,192
and make pee-pee
in the toilet.
326
00:14:52,259 --> 00:14:55,362
So, "Do as I say,
not as I do," huh?
327
00:14:55,428 --> 00:14:56,829
Ha. Ha. Ha.
328
00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:58,498
Are you gonna help me or what?
329
00:14:58,565 --> 00:15:01,234
Hey, his mom's
not throwing me any.
330
00:15:04,004 --> 00:15:05,672
Don't get the wrong idea.
331
00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:09,676
Your mom and I are actually
in a committed relationship.
332
00:15:12,179 --> 00:15:15,348
So if I sign up
for this drug trial...
333
00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:20,220
I take these pills
not knowing if I'm getting
334
00:15:20,287 --> 00:15:22,689
the actual anxiety medication
or a placebo?
335
00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:24,157
That's correct.
336
00:15:24,224 --> 00:15:26,259
The test group
gets the actual medication,
337
00:15:26,326 --> 00:15:29,929
and the control group
is being given sugar pills.
338
00:15:29,997 --> 00:15:33,100
So, is there anything
I should know about?
339
00:15:33,166 --> 00:15:35,068
Any side effects or anything?
340
00:15:35,135 --> 00:15:38,238
Well, that's one of the purposes
of the research,
341
00:15:38,305 --> 00:15:42,109
but in tests of this nature,
common side effects include
342
00:15:42,175 --> 00:15:46,313
dry mouth, hair loss,
blurred vision, inflamed gums...
343
00:15:46,379 --> 00:15:47,647
Okay.
344
00:15:47,714 --> 00:15:50,350
...mild nausea, heart
palpitations, liver damage...
345
00:15:50,417 --> 00:15:51,084
Wow.
346
00:15:51,151 --> 00:15:54,121
...boils, shingles,
347
00:15:54,187 --> 00:15:59,326
sudden fainting and temporary
darkening of the stool.
348
00:16:01,161 --> 00:16:03,130
Good Lord.
349
00:16:03,196 --> 00:16:05,165
How much do you pay people
to do this?
350
00:16:05,232 --> 00:16:06,733
A thousand dollars a week.
351
00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:08,035
I'm in.
352
00:16:10,503 --> 00:16:12,305
* Men...
353
00:16:18,345 --> 00:16:20,347
(piano playing loudly)
354
00:16:22,115 --> 00:16:23,816
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
355
00:16:23,883 --> 00:16:25,985
That's not a toy.
356
00:16:26,053 --> 00:16:27,554
That's how I
make my living.
357
00:16:27,620 --> 00:16:30,390
Not so much anymore,
but still, be careful.
358
00:16:30,457 --> 00:16:32,059
I want to play.
359
00:16:32,125 --> 00:16:33,260
All right.
360
00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:36,763
Play... this one.
361
00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:38,465
(plays single key)
362
00:16:38,531 --> 00:16:40,500
And... this one.
363
00:16:40,567 --> 00:16:42,635
(plays another key)
364
00:16:42,702 --> 00:16:44,171
That's great.
365
00:16:44,237 --> 00:16:46,606
Now it's my turn.
366
00:16:46,673 --> 00:16:48,375
(plays chord)
367
00:16:48,441 --> 00:16:51,244
This is a little tune
I wrote for my nephew
368
00:16:51,311 --> 00:16:54,147
when he was feeling
down in the dumps.
369
00:16:54,214 --> 00:16:57,417
* I know that the winter
follows the fall *
370
00:16:57,484 --> 00:17:00,453
(playing soft, heartfelt melody)
371
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:04,357
* And in New York,
the buildings are tall *
372
00:17:06,726 --> 00:17:10,063
* I hear that in China,
they have a great wall *
373
00:17:12,165 --> 00:17:14,701
* I know these things and more
374
00:17:14,767 --> 00:17:20,673
* But there's just one answer
I'm still looking for... *
375
00:17:22,975 --> 00:17:24,477
(playing faster,
more upbeat melody)
376
00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:26,679
* Who cut the cheese?
(blows raspberry)
377
00:17:26,746 --> 00:17:28,381
* Who cut the cheese?!
378
00:17:28,448 --> 00:17:31,351
* I ask you please,
did you cut the cheese? *
379
00:17:31,418 --> 00:17:33,320
* I'm not averse to learning
380
00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:35,388
* Tell me why my eyes
are burning *
381
00:17:35,455 --> 00:17:37,457
* Who cut the cheese?
382
00:17:37,524 --> 00:17:38,658
Everybody!
383
00:17:38,725 --> 00:17:40,760
* Who cut the cheese?
(blows raspberry)
384
00:17:40,827 --> 00:17:42,262
* Who cut the cheese?
385
00:17:42,329 --> 00:17:46,133
* I ask you please,
did you cut the cheese? *
386
00:17:46,199 --> 00:17:47,700
* I'm not averse to learning
387
00:17:47,767 --> 00:17:50,002
* Tell me why my eyes
are burning *
388
00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:55,108
* Who cut the cheese...?
389
00:17:55,175 --> 00:17:58,445
(blows raspberry)
390
00:18:01,314 --> 00:18:03,383
I can't thank you enough.
391
00:18:03,450 --> 00:18:05,852
No problem.
We had fun.
392
00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:09,289
Look, um, after I drop him off
at his dad's,
393
00:18:09,356 --> 00:18:11,624
why don't I come back
and show my appreciation
394
00:18:11,691 --> 00:18:13,160
for those earrings?
395
00:18:13,226 --> 00:18:16,563
Gee, I'd love to, but
it's been a long day.
396
00:18:16,629 --> 00:18:18,698
I just want to soak
in a hot bath
397
00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:20,600
and have a little "me" time.
398
00:18:20,667 --> 00:18:22,869
Oh, come on, Charlie.
399
00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:25,205
Hey, hey, while you were
off having fun at work,
400
00:18:25,272 --> 00:18:28,541
I was cooped up all day in this
house taking care of your child.
401
00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:30,777
Okay, sorry.
402
00:18:30,843 --> 00:18:34,614
I'm just saying...
I'm not a light switch.
403
00:18:34,681 --> 00:18:37,317
I'll call you later.
404
00:18:37,384 --> 00:18:39,051
No, wait, wait.
405
00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:41,621
I made something
for Brandon.
406
00:18:43,055 --> 00:18:46,025
I sang some songs for him,
and he seemed to like them,
407
00:18:46,092 --> 00:18:47,894
so I burned 'em onto a CD.
408
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:48,895
Oh, how sweet.
409
00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:50,363
Sweet?
410
00:18:50,430 --> 00:18:52,732
Clearly, you're not familiar
with my work.
411
00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:54,601
Anyway, he seemed to dig it.
412
00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:56,636
Well, thank you.
413
00:18:59,806 --> 00:19:01,874
Hi... Alan.
414
00:19:01,941 --> 00:19:03,610
Hi.
415
00:19:20,693 --> 00:19:24,331
I don't think
I'm in the control group.
416
00:19:25,732 --> 00:19:27,900
* Men...
417
00:19:41,814 --> 00:19:45,252
Are you really sure
you should be taking
those pills with beer?
418
00:19:45,318 --> 00:19:47,987
What else can happen
to me, Charlie?
419
00:19:48,054 --> 00:19:52,459
My hair is coming out.
I'm having fainting spells...
420
00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:56,296
I can see my heart beating
through my shirt
421
00:19:56,363 --> 00:19:58,965
and my poop
looks like charcoal briquets.
422
00:19:59,031 --> 00:20:02,302
So stop taking the medication.
423
00:20:02,369 --> 00:20:04,304
It's a thousand dollars a week.
We need the money.
424
00:20:04,371 --> 00:20:06,673
Oh, relax.
Something'll turn up.
425
00:20:06,739 --> 00:20:08,741
Something's already turned up.
426
00:20:08,808 --> 00:20:12,945
I'm pretty sure
I dropped a third testicle.
427
00:20:13,012 --> 00:20:17,016
(phone rings)
428
00:20:17,083 --> 00:20:19,018
Hello?
429
00:20:19,085 --> 00:20:20,753
Hang on.
430
00:20:20,820 --> 00:20:21,954
It's Linda's ex-husband.
431
00:20:22,021 --> 00:20:23,590
He wants to talk to you.
432
00:20:23,656 --> 00:20:24,924
I don't want to talk to him.
You talk to him.
433
00:20:24,991 --> 00:20:26,359
I'm not gonna talk to him.
434
00:20:26,426 --> 00:20:28,995
Come on, you've got 30%
more balls than I do.
435
00:20:35,602 --> 00:20:37,069
Hello.
436
00:20:37,136 --> 00:20:38,971
Yeah, this is Charlie.
437
00:20:39,038 --> 00:20:40,407
What about Brandon?
438
00:20:41,308 --> 00:20:42,609
Oh, good, good.
439
00:20:42,675 --> 00:20:44,110
I'm-I'm glad he
likes the songs.
440
00:20:44,176 --> 00:20:49,181
Yeah, Linda mentioned
you were in the music business.
441
00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:51,584
Well, that's flattering,
but I already
442
00:20:51,651 --> 00:20:53,853
have a very lucrative
career writing jingles.
443
00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:56,323
I don't see myself
walking away from that
444
00:20:56,389 --> 00:20:58,891
to record children's songs.
445
00:21:01,027 --> 00:21:03,029
How much?
446
00:21:03,095 --> 00:21:04,464
I'm in.
447
00:21:05,532 --> 00:21:08,801
How about that?
Something turned up.
448
00:21:11,203 --> 00:21:13,072
Send the papers over.
449
00:21:13,139 --> 00:21:15,642
Great. Great.
450
00:21:16,509 --> 00:21:18,411
No, no, I love kids
451
00:21:18,478 --> 00:21:21,548
and more important,
they love me.
452
00:21:26,218 --> 00:21:29,422
No, no, no, no, none of my own.
31405
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