Original subtitles

You're welcome.

Good night.

Wait, wait, wait.

Are you sure you don't want me to tuck you in?

I don't need to be tucked, Charlie.

Oh, come on,

everybody needs a good tucking once in a while.

Well, then go tuck yourself.

I guess I'll have to.

I'm not saying no,

I'm just saying not now.

I understand.

Good night.

Good night.

How about now?

Funny.

I wasn't going for a laugh.

Come on, Luther.

Rose?

Nah, couldn't be.

I'm so backed up I'm literally cockeyed.

Hot girl at 12:00.

Where?

Over there.

That would be 9:00.

No, it's 12:00.

Actually, 12:05.

12-ish.

You want to straighten him out, or should I?

Go ahead, take a swing.

Okay.

The reason guys say hot girl

at like 12:00 or 3:00

is to specify a location using the clock face as kind of a map.

What if you have a digital watch?

First of all,

you're not gonna meet any women if you wear a digital watch.

And second of all, it doesn't matter.

The clock face is imaginary.

Then how do you know what time you saw the girl?

(mutters)

You know what, I'm wrong.

There's a hot girl, and it's 12:06.

Check.

Hey, he likes girls and he can tell time.

I'm a happy dad.

(cell phone rings)

Hello, Your Honor. What's up?

Your Honor?

Oh, your uncle's dating a judge.

This weekend?

Sure, that sounds great.

You mean like an American Idol judge?

No, a real judge.

American Idol judges are real, Dad.

So what, we'd be staying in adjoining rooms?

No, no, no, no, one room is fine.

Why is he dating a judge?

Is he trying to get out of something?

No, more like he's trying to get into something.

Good one.

You understood that?

Not really.

That's how I knew it was good.

Oh, yeah, that's a very romantic hotel.

I've stayed there... never in my life.

Right.

Okay, talk to you later.

(sighs)

Santa Barbara. This weekend.

One room.

Oh, now I get it.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Son of a gun, Alan. Look.

What?

The blonde. Where?

12:08.

She, she looks like Rose.

It couldn't be.

She's still in England, right?

Last I heard.

I got a postcard from her the other day.

Really? What did it say?

Oh, well, let's see...

"Dear Jake, how are you?

"I am fine.

"Hope you're doing well in school.

Ha-ha."

I think that's a joke 'cause she knows I struggle with my grades.

Let's see, what else? Oh, yeah.

"Say hello from England to everybody."

Hello from England.

Well, there you go.

She's in England.

I guess.

So why do I keep thinking I see her?

Maybe you miss her.

I don't think so.

I mean, I was a little down when she left,

which is to be expected,

but I've got Linda now and I've moved on

and why the hell am I talking to you about my personal life?

Because I'm a good listener?

Because you have no other friends?

Ha-ha?

After this we're dropping him off

at his mother's, right?

Yep.

Ha-ha.

* Men...

(sighs)

ROSE: Dear Charlie... Greetings from faggy old London.

Greetings from foggy old London.

Hope you're doing well and not working too hard. Ha-ha.

Things are going great for me.

I love my job and my flat and my new friends.

Sometimes my life in Malibu feels like a crazy dream.

I hope you can forgive me for all my bizarre behavior

and know that I will always remember you fondly.

Your friend, Rose.

PS: Give my best to Alan.

I'm sure by now he's found a place of his own. Ha-ha.

What you got there?

It's a letter from Rose.

Really? That come today?

Nah, a few months ago.

I just never got around to reading it.

I noticed you didn't toss it out.

What's that supposed to mean?

Charlie, of all the broads

who staggered bare-ass through these hallowed halls,

she's the one who really got to you.

Yeah, she got to me.

She put a sleeping pill in my scotch

and superglued my testicles to my leg.

You just can't get past that, can you?

Well, it doesn't matter.

I'm in a real relationship now with an incredible woman--

a judge, a Constitutional scholar,

a woman who may one day may be a state senator.

But does she care enough to line her mittens

with hair she collects from your shower drain?

I don't know yet. We're going slow.

Really?

Yes. We're getting to know each other as people

before we jump into bed and get to know each other

as, you know, animals.

Just do me a favor and make the first time at her place,

'cause you're gonna spring forth like a water wiggle.

(piano playing gently)

* Some say love, it is a river

* That drowns the tender reed

* Some say love, it is a razor *

* That leaves your soul to bleed *

* Some say love, it is a hunger *

* An endless, aching need

* I say love, it is a flower

* In the spring, becomes the Rose. *

ALAN: Charlie? ( music stops)

Charlie? What?

I need your help.

If you're doing laundry,

all I can say is you're doing it wrong.

No, no, the lady I've been seeing,

you know, Linda's friend Donna?

Uh, she wants to-- how shall we say-- take it up a notch.

Yeah, so?

I'm out of notches.

What do you need?

A younger man's penis.

Ah. My nightstand,

top drawer, next to the ping-pong paddle...

take one with water and stall her for 20 minutes.

Thanks.

Alan? Yeah?

Don't those hurt?

Hell, yeah.

Why don't you take 'em off?

There's a penalty involved.

Long story.

I can tell ya how it ends.

* Men.

Lovely dinner.

Yeah, the food was great.

It's a beautiful room.

Yeah, room's great.

Nice view.

Yep, view's great.

(moans)

(knocking at door)

Oh, for God's sake.

Who is it?

WOMAN: (Latina accent): Room service, señor.

We didn't order anything.

Uh, champagne, compliments of the hotel.

Can you slip it under the door?

Charlie.

Don't move. Don't change your mind.

(mouthing)

You want I open?

No, thank you.

Okay, good night.

Gracias.

Charlie...

Yeah?

I'm waiting.

For what?

Oh, right.

Hang on.

What are you doing to the rose?

I just don't want it looking at me.

* Men.

I started algebra.

Oh. How's that going?

I don't get it at all, but the teacher's really hot.

Well, that's nice.

Yeah. She's got some really great racks.

I think you mean "rack."

No, she's got two, and they're gi-normous!

Uh-huh.

It's kinda cool that she's teaching alge-bra.

Nothing?

Boy, that killed in detention.

Oh, hey. How was Santa Barbara?

Santa Bar-bra?

That's Spanish for "City of Great Racks."

Alan, I got no patience for your kid today.

Go do your homework.

Oh, right. I have a big reading ass-signment.

You're not my audience.

Remember when he was cute?

The memory is fading.

So how was your big night with Linda?

Fine.

Just fine?

Yes. Just... fine.

Oh... I... see.

No... you... don't.

All right.

Want to talk about it?

Oh, golly, Alan, more than anything!

Okay, never mind.

Stew in it.

Thank you.

(sighs)

I finally got to step up to the plate,

and I was swinging a garden hose.

You happy?

Well, I'm not sad.

What do you think the problem was?

I saw her again. Saw who?

Rose. She brought champagne to our hotel room,

except, this time, she was Hispanic.

What was she last time?

Last time, she was a blonde with coffee,

and the time before that, she was a redhead with a dog.

What kind of dog?

What difference does it make?

I like dogs.

Go on.

If I didn't know any better,

I'd say she was stalking me again.

From England?

We don't know she's in England!

She sends letters and postcards.

Jake gets them all the time.

Oh, come on! Like she couldn't leave a stack of them

with some friend to mail every few days?

Oh, wow. Are you listening to yourself?

Even Rose isn't that crazy.

Oh, and she's going to fly back and forth with a dog?

She could hire a local dog.

Charlie, Rose is in England. She's not stalking you.

And whatever you think you're seeing is in your head.

Yeah. You're probably right.

Regardless, last night was less than a triumph.

Why didn't you just take one of your pills?

Because somebody else took my last three.

Oh, yeah.

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

That's four.

First one was a two-fer.

* Men.

What kind of dog?

I don't know! It was a dog!

Four legs and a tail.

Can we please get back to my problem?

Not a dog person.

So, you believe you're seeing people who aren't there.

No, no, no, no, no.

They're there, but they're not who they are.

Well, then who are they?

I don't know who they are, but they all look like Rose.

Your stalker.

Well, that's kind of harsh.

You told me she broke into your home, disrobed,

and handcuffed herself to your refrigerator.

Well, just the one time.

So why do I keep seeing her everywhere I go?

Well, gee, Charlie, if I tell you that now,

what'll we do for the rest of the hour?

I'm joshing.

Why don't we talk about your current relationship?

Linda? Well, let's see.

She's a municipal court judge.

Oh. Very impressive.

Thank you.

I meant for her, Charlie.

It's hardly your accomplishment, now, is it?

Well, yeah, in a way.

I've never done a judge before.

Well, from what you told me, you still haven't.

Touché.

It pays to listen.

So how old is Linda?

She's about my age.

Wow. This the first time you've

been with a woman that old?

Oh, no. Not at all.

So you've had age-appropriate relationships before?

Relationships? No, no. Are you crazy?

Am I crazy? Pot-kettle, Charlie.

Okay, look, I didn't come to therapy to talk this to death.

I've seen Rose three times,

and it's ruining my sex life with Linda.

Can you help me,

or do I have to learn to shoot pool with a rope?

Well, thank you for that disturbing image.

Best I can tell, Charlie, for the first time in your life,

you are involved in an adult relationship.

It's challenging. Maybe even a little intimidating.

And the fact that you're fantasizing

about a woman in England

who idolized you beyond all rational measure?

Well, that tells me that you're afraid to grow up.

We call that the Peter Pan Syndrome.

Whoa! That's pretty good.

So what can we do?

You know, Peter-wise?

If you're committed to personal growth,

you'll walk through your fear and embrace the challenges

of a really meaningful relationship

with an adult woman.

And your only other choice

is to live the emotionally stunted life

you've been living over and over,

never growing and never changing.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Good afternoon.

Welcome aboard British Airways Flight 471

nonstop to London's Heathrow Airport.

* Men.

Charlie?

Surprise.

What are you doing here?

I'm not sure. I just needed to see you.

I needed to talk to you. I can come back if now is not a good time.

No, no. It's okay.

I know you've probably moved on.

I thought I had, too.

But, everywhere I look, I keep seeing your face,

so I started thinking maybe...

I don't know what I'm thinking.

Are you... are you busy?

Can I take you out for a cold beer or something?

Actually, on this side of the pond,

we drink our beer warm.

You can still catch a buzz, right?

Oh, yeah.

Then warm's fine.

Okay. Well, I'll just get my purse.

Great.

So I'm not screwing up any plans of yours?

Oh, no. This fits perfectly into my plans.

Oh, Linda. Hi.

Hi, Alan. I'm... I'm sorry to show up unannounced,

but Charlie hasn't been answering his cell phone,

and I wanted to make sure he's okay.

Oh, Charlie's fine.

We have a pharmacy that delivers.

What?

Nothing. Come on in.

Thanks.

He should be getting up sometime soon anyway.

So, how are things with you and Donna?

Good. Good.

Uh, I'll go get Charlie.

Hey, Dad, girls' volleyball! Lotta bouncing boobs!

Not now. You told me to tell you when they started.

No, I didn't! Yes, you did!

Shut up!

Oh, hey.

Hello. You must be Jake.

Yeah. Who are you?

Linda. I'm a friend of your Uncle Charlie's.

Are you the judge? Uh-huh.

Do you play volleyball?

No. Do you?

Nah. I just like to watch them jump up and down.

Okay! Hi-ho!

Go away.

I thought Charlie was asleep,

but he's not in his room.

Berta, have you seen Charlie?

He's not in his bed?

No. Passed out on the bathroom floor?

No. Rubbing oil on the volleyball girls?

No.

Well, that just leaves the bars, hospitals and jails.

I'll go get the yellow pages.

Well, he couldn't have gone very far.

Hey, Dad! Hot girl in a thong!

What time is it?!

* Men.

Mmm! Tepid.

So, London certainly agrees with you, Rose.

You look beautiful.

Thank you, Charlie.

I just can't believe you're here.

Yeah, well, I know.

I've been thinking a lot about you lately,

and I miss you.

Aw, Charlie, I miss you, too.

Are you seeing anybody?

Actually, I am seeing someone,

but I'm not really sure where it's going yet.

You?

To be honest, there is one lady I've been dating.

She's actually my own age.

No.

Yeah.

But my therapist says she's not good for me.

And you think I am?

Well, you've always loved me for who I am

instead of who I could be,

which is really wonderful because,

let's face it, we both love who I am.

I do love you, Charlie.

Great.

So?

So what?

So what's next?

What do you mean?

You can't expect me to go back

to what we had without a commitment.

A commitment?

Yes. I think we should get married.

Married?

Sell the house in Malibu

and move to a kid-friendly neighborhood here in London.

Kid?

Kids. We're gonna have kids, aren't we?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Good afternoon.

Welcome aboard British Airways Flight 472

nonstop to Los Angeles International Airport.

* Men.