Original subtitles

No, I think your retainer is sexy.

I do.

You just gotta remember to clean it after lunch.

Hey, Jake, how about you and me going out...?

Okay, now I have a question for you.

If I needed a lung, and your dad needed a lung,

who would you give your lung to?

Well, now, see, I wouldn't have to think about it.

Jake, I'm talking to...

Don't give me the hand.

Hang on.

I'm talking to a girl.

Sorry.

Oh, no. That was nobody.

That's it.

Time to get a new kid.

Hey, Alan, you want to catch a movie tonight?

Can't. I am taking a lady friend to the Hollywood Bowl

for a romantic evening under the stars with Michael Bublê

and three runners-up from American Idol.

What's in the bag? A noose?

No. It's a picnic basket.

Fried chicken, bottle of merlot,

and my autograph hound in case I get lucky.

Why don't you take Jake to the movies?

No. I don't like him anymore.

Okay, then why don't you take one of your many...

oh, let's call them "girlfriends."

Yeah, I could,

but after the movie, I got to bring 'em back here,

and after I get 'em back here, I got to get 'em upstairs.

Then, after I get 'em upstairs, I got to get 'em to go home.

It just doesn't seem worth the effort anymore.

You know, it's possible you might enjoy your dates more

if you went out with women who were capable

of using their head for something other

than a place to rest their ankles.

What are you saying?

Too subtle?

I'm saying you might have a better time

if you were seeing someone who had

a fully-formed personality,

or was even remotely age appropriate.

Define "age appropriate."

40.

Are you out of your mind?!

Come on, Charlie.

The woman I'm seeing now is 39,

and we have a wonderful time together,

because we have so much in common.

We can talk, we can share, we can laugh.

Talking, sharing and laughing is fine, but what about her ears?

What about 'em?

Ears never stop growing, Alan.

And I like a nice, taut lobe.

This conversation is over.

I will see you later.

Why do you think old ladies wear big earrings?

To make their ears look smaller!

Like I'm the only one who's noticed.

(glass dinging on TV)

MAN (on TV): I'd like to make a toast to my wife.

Darling, you've given me the happiest 20 years of my life.

Why? Was she in a coma?

I can't imagine living without you.

You complete me.

I bet she's got a set of ears on her.

Oh, yeah.

You could swat flies with those things.

Whoa.

Hey, pal.

It's just you and me tonight, huh?

(squawks)

Yeah, I know how you feel.

There's a lot of fish in the sea,

but after you catch 'em and eat 'em, then what?

(squawks)

Damn straight.

It's not worth the hassle.

Oh, my mistake.

Didn't know you had a date.

Hey, if you two don't have any other plans,

why don't you fly over to the Hollywood Bowl

and take a crap on my brother?

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Oh.

What was your dream?

We were on a train in a tunnel?

Sounds kind of boring.

It means what?!

Oh, hey.

You're up early.

No way.

I am not just getting home.

I couldn't sleep, so I went for a walk.

Dad, a little privacy, please?

Okay.

I just didn't want you to get the wrong idea.

I'm confused.

If I'm in the train, how can I be the train?

At least he's not the tunnel.

Morning.

Hey.

I'm just getting in.

Yeah. I can see that.

Didn't get much sleep last night.

Uh-huh.

And yet I feel totally rested.

Good for you.

I mean, rested but... spent.

Gotcha.

Well, not so much spent as happily depleted.

Joyously bereft of... I get it!

You got laid.

And....

Michael Bublê's autograph.

Congratulations.

So... how was your evening?

(mimics gunshot)

Oh! You know, I talked to Donna about you.

Donna?

The woman I was with last night.

Oh, yeah. You talk, you share, you laugh.

Kiss my ass.

Anyway, it turns out she has a friend who's newly single,

and I suggested...

A blind date? Forget it.

Charlie Harper does not go on blind dates.

He doesn't?

No, he doesn't.

Huh.

Can't we ask him?

Don't bother.

I know what he'll say.

Okay, but does he have to say it in the third person?

Look, I don't need anybody to get me dates.

I can get my own dates.

Yes, but you were complaining that the women

you go out with don't fulfill you.

Donna's friend is beautiful, she's accomplished, she's smart.

How old is she?

I think around 40.

Hello.

Flippity-flappity-flappity!

Still with the ears.

It's not just ears.

Women that age have a lot of baggage.

Right. And you've just got a carry-on.

Think about this.

What if I meet this woman?

I like her, she likes me, we get married and settle down?

Mm-hmm.

We're both 40 now.

In 20 years, I'm gonna be 60.

And do you know how old she's gonna be?

60?

I rest my case.

* Men...

That was nice, huh?

I guess.

My ear's still a little soggy.

It's okay.

So, "Deedee."

Is that short for anything?

Like what?

I don't know.

Dee... dum diddy dum diddy doo?

No. It's just a nickname.

Oh. Well, what's your real name?

Sissy.

Sissy, huh?

I guess that means you throw a ball like a girl.

I am a girl.

Right.

Is Charlie short for anything?

Charles.

Oh. That's not really shorter, is it?

Excuse me.

Why?

Did you fart?

No. You hang up first.

Okay, on three.

One, two, three.

You didn't hang up, did you?

Me neither.

Okay, set it up.

What?

The blind date with the old chick. I'm in.

What?

* Men...

Alan, let's go!

Relax. We've got plenty of time.

I just don't want to be late.

I can't believe it.

You're nervous about a date.

Of course I'm nervous.

What am I going to talk to her about?

I haven't gone out with a 40-year-old woman since high school.

Well, Charlie, that's the great thing

about seeing someone your own age.

There's always something to talk about,

because what you've been through, she's been through.

Oh, I hardly think so.

All right. Point taken.

But she's a fascinating woman.

She's a municipal court judge.

She teaches law at UCLA.

Aw, man, you didn't tell me that!

Does that make a difference?

It makes a big difference.

The smarter the girl,

the harder it is to blow smoke up her ass.

You know, I'm already regretting this.

And for good reason.

Let's just call it off.

No, no, no. It's too late for that.

Just relax and... I don't know... be yourself.

And, by "yourself," I mean someone else entirely.

Anything else?

Well, as long we've opened this particular can of worms,

you might want to rethink the bowling shirt.

Why?

Well, as I said, she's a judge and a law professor,

and let's let's be honest, you don't bowl.

All right. I'll go change.

And, Charlie? Yeah?

While you're at it,

why don't we go for the big boy pants?

Fine.

* Men...

Oh. There they are.

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

Which one's mine?

ALAN: The... the one on the right.

Wow! She's 40?

She has the ears of a 20-year-old.

Come on.

You think she had 'em done?

Sorry we're late.

Charlie couldn't decide what to wear.

Oh. I think he looks very nice.

Thank you. Charlie, this is Donna.

Hi. How are you? Hi.

And this is my friend, Linda.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.

I've heard a lot about you.

And I've heard a lot about you, too.

And I gotta say, I am pleasantly surprised.

Really? How so?

Well, Alan tells me you're a judge and a professor.

And, quite frankly, I wasn't expecting someone so, uh...

So... what, Charlie?

Uh... yummy.

Hm?

(quietly): That was wrong, wasn't it?

Yes, that was wrong.

What I... what I meant was,

I was expecting you to be...

more, you know,

dry.

But you're not.

You're actually kind of... moist.

(sighing): Oh, good Lord.

You know what? You know what?

I-I think I'd like to start over.

Hi. I'm Charlie.

(chuckles) Linda.

Hi, Linda.

I got to tell you, I have never met a judge before.

You know, voluntarily.

(laughing)

Better?

Anything's better than "moist."

* Men...

Oh, well, we met in the church choir,

then we found out our kids were in the same preschool.

Next thing you know, we're on the carnival committee together,

doing the bake sale... Oh, which reminds me,

I'm supposed to be snack mom next Tuesday-- can you switch with me?

Oh, yeah, no problem. Oh, thanks.

I got nothing.

Hey, hey, why don't we order some drinks?

Just iced tea for me. Oh, me, too.

Uh, Charlie, you want iced tea?

Why on earth would I want iced tea?

Because you don't drink alcohol during the daytime.

Oh, right.

Of course not.

Iced tea, rocks, water back.

Uh, excuse me, miss? Yes, can I help...

Charlie?

Oh, hey, hi.

How come you never called me?

Well, uh...

(nervous chuckling)

Funny story.

Long story.

Tell you later.

Can we get four iced teas, please?

I'll be right back.

(chuckles) Old friend?

Yeah, you know, church choir, bake sale.

You may not want to drink the iced tea.

You know, Alan, I got to hand it to you--

Linda is really something.

Yeah, yeah, she's terrific.

But let me ask you something.

Sure.

What in God's name possessed you to talk about pornography?

Hey, she started it.

She wasn't talking about pornography.

She was talking about constitutional law

and the preservation of the First Amendment.

Which includes pornography.

Yes, it does, but it does not include your favorite actresses,

top ten DVD's or your beefs about the bonus features.

I just pointed out that the bloopers, though funny,

are really more of a turnoff.

("Fur Elise" ringtone playing)

Hello?

Yeah, yeah, hi, Donna.

Um, Charlie and I were just talking

about what a nice time we had.

Okay, I'm sorry.

We... I'm sorry.

(quietly): Ask her if Linda likes me.

H-Hang on.

You're kidding, right?

Come on, chicks talk to each other.

Uh, Donna, would you please tell my brother

what you just told me. Here.

Hey, Donna. Talk to me.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

I see.

Okay, well, thanks for the heads-up.

Linda didn't like me.

Go figure.

I told her not to drink the iced tea.

* Men...

That's what I heard--

Danny Sholander likes Jennifer Denapoli.

Hey.

Really? He's gay?

Does he know that?

You got to get me another crack at her.

What?

I need to see her again. See who?

Linda. I-I can't let it end this way.

Let what end? It was a lunch.

No, no, no, no, it was more than a lunch.

It was a test: Is Charlie Harper capable

of stepping up to quality women?

Oh, God, we're back to third person.

Alan, I am tired of having meaningless sex

with hot pinheads.

What a coincidence-- I'm tired of hearing about it.

Linda's smart,

Linda's sophisticated, Linda's successful.

Linda doesn't like you.

She will-- I can make her.

You just need to tell Donna

to tell Linda to give me another chance.

Fine, I'll pass her a note during study hall.

Hey, hey, hey,

don't belittle my feelings.

I'm in a very sensitive place, and I will kick your ass.

Oh, come on, Charlie, so you struck out with a woman.

It happens.

Believe me... it happens.

And when it does, the best thing to do

is to pick yourself up, dust yourself off

and curse God for making you the way you are.

All right, forget it; I don't need you.

I'll call her myself.

Sorry about the "curse God" stuff.

But we both know I'm not your best work.

* Men...

Yeah, hi. Can I speak to Judge Linda Harris, please?

Charlie Harper.

Yes, again.

All right, fine, put me through to voice mail.

Banging a judge won't get you out of jury duty--

believe me, I've tried.

Shh, shh, quiet.

Yeah, hi, Linda. It's Charlie again.

(chuckles) I just want you to know that this will be my last message.

I figure three's a charm, four is a restraining order.

(chuckles)

Look who I'm tellin'.

Anyway, I know we didn't get off on the right foot,

but that's just because I'm not used to spending time

with such a remarkable and accomplished woman.

Keep shoveling.

And it's true,

I've lived a certain kind of life up until now.

I'm not saying that I'm proud of it,

but I'm not ashamed of it, either.

Why else would you have videotaped most of it?

I'm begging you.

So, if you want to call me back,

call me back.

If not, well, have a nice life.

But it'd be a nicer life if you called me.

Well...

I never thought I'd see Charlie Harper on his knees.

You know, figuratively.

Can we please talk about me in the first person?

What's this broad got that's so special?

A brain.

What are you gonna do with a brain?

It doesn't matter; she'll never call me.

Oh, don't talk like that.

Just because she's smart and successful

doesn't mean she's not damaged enough to go out with you.

Thanks, Berta, that means a lot.

(phone rings)

Hello?

Nah, Jake's not here-- try him at his mom's house.

Where are you going?

I don't know, someplace where the bottles are full

and the women are empty.

* And the skies are not cloudy all day. *

* Men...

$50 fine, time served.

Call the next case.

MAN: Case number

1217-07, Charles Harper,

charged with drunk and disorderly,

resisting arrest.

Charlie?

Oh. Hey.

Small world, huh?

Approach the bench, please.

(whispering): Excuse me.

I think this is personal.

Please tell me you did not get yourself arrested

just so you could see me.

Um...

you got me.

Charlie, what am I going to do with you?

Have dinner with me.

Otherwise, we're looking at a crime spree here.

All right, one dinner.

Now, step back.

Yes, ma'am.

How do you plead?

Guilty, Your Honor.

Is this a first offense? Yes, Your Honor.

All right, $500 fine.

$500? Last time.. Last time?

Thank you, Your Honor.

Next case.

MAN: Case number 1217-08,

Heidi Jones,

charged with solicitation.

Hey, Charlie. Shh, shh, shh!

* Men...

Where's your car?

Good question.

Oh... Charlie... Yeah, we just got my uncle

out of jail.

It was cool. I saw a real pimp.

(groans)

I hope you learned a lesson here.

I sure did.

And what was that lesson?

If a woman won't return your calls,

get drunk, get arrested, then lie through your teeth.

That's it? That's what you learned?

Well, also, if your cell mate wants your bologna sandwich,

just give it to him.

Okay, I'll be your pimp if you'll be my bee-atch.

Jake! That's enough with the phone.

Nobody. What were you saying?

Oh, hey!

I'd have kept the phone and tossed the kid.