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1
00:00:01,402 --> 00:00:05,005
No, I think your
retainer is sexy.
2
00:00:05,073 --> 00:00:06,607
I do.
3
00:00:06,674 --> 00:00:09,009
You just gotta remember
to clean it after lunch.
4
00:00:09,077 --> 00:00:12,113
Hey, Jake, how about
you and me going out...?
5
00:00:12,180 --> 00:00:13,847
Okay, now I have
a question for you.
6
00:00:13,914 --> 00:00:16,284
If I needed a lung,
and your dad needed a lung,
7
00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:17,785
who would you give
your lung to?
8
00:00:19,420 --> 00:00:21,389
Well, now, see, I wouldn't
have to think about it.
9
00:00:21,455 --> 00:00:24,092
Jake, I'm
talking to...
10
00:00:24,158 --> 00:00:26,294
Don't give me
the hand.
11
00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:27,095
Hang on.
12
00:00:27,161 --> 00:00:28,562
I'm talking to a girl.
13
00:00:28,629 --> 00:00:30,198
Sorry.
14
00:00:30,264 --> 00:00:31,765
Oh, no. That was nobody.
15
00:00:32,833 --> 00:00:34,335
That's it.
16
00:00:34,402 --> 00:00:37,138
Time to get a new kid.
17
00:00:37,205 --> 00:00:39,307
Hey, Alan, you want
to catch a movie tonight?
18
00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:41,942
Can't. I am taking a lady
friend to the Hollywood Bowl
19
00:00:42,009 --> 00:00:45,579
for a romantic evening under
the stars with Michael Bublê
20
00:00:45,646 --> 00:00:48,249
and three runners-up
from American Idol.
21
00:00:49,983 --> 00:00:52,153
What's in the bag? A noose?
22
00:00:52,220 --> 00:00:54,322
No. It's a picnic basket.
23
00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:56,190
Fried chicken,
bottle of merlot,
24
00:00:56,257 --> 00:00:58,326
and my autograph hound
in case I get lucky.
25
00:00:59,527 --> 00:01:01,395
Why don't you take Jake
to the movies?
26
00:01:01,462 --> 00:01:04,498
No. I don't like him anymore.
27
00:01:04,565 --> 00:01:07,368
Okay, then why don't
you take one of your many...
28
00:01:07,435 --> 00:01:10,204
oh, let's call them
"girlfriends."
29
00:01:10,271 --> 00:01:11,839
Yeah, I could,
30
00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:13,807
but after the movie,
I got to bring 'em back here,
31
00:01:13,874 --> 00:01:15,743
and after I get 'em back here,
I got to get 'em upstairs.
32
00:01:15,809 --> 00:01:19,313
Then, after I get 'em upstairs,
I got to get 'em to go home.
33
00:01:20,681 --> 00:01:23,517
It just doesn't seem
worth the effort anymore.
34
00:01:23,584 --> 00:01:25,653
You know, it's possible
you might enjoy your dates more
35
00:01:25,719 --> 00:01:27,521
if you went out
with women who were capable
36
00:01:27,588 --> 00:01:29,056
of using their head
for something other
37
00:01:29,123 --> 00:01:32,293
than a place
to rest their ankles.
38
00:01:35,896 --> 00:01:38,432
What are you saying?
39
00:01:38,499 --> 00:01:40,434
Too subtle?
40
00:01:40,501 --> 00:01:44,372
I'm saying you might
have a better time
41
00:01:44,438 --> 00:01:45,906
if you were seeing
someone who had
42
00:01:45,973 --> 00:01:47,241
a fully-formed personality,
43
00:01:47,308 --> 00:01:49,510
or was even remotely
age appropriate.
44
00:01:49,577 --> 00:01:51,579
Define "age appropriate."
45
00:01:51,645 --> 00:01:52,813
40.
46
00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:54,582
Are you out of your mind?!
47
00:01:54,648 --> 00:01:56,350
Come on, Charlie.
48
00:01:56,417 --> 00:01:58,085
The woman
I'm seeing now is 39,
49
00:01:58,152 --> 00:01:59,287
and we have
a wonderful time together,
50
00:01:59,353 --> 00:02:00,488
because we have
so much in common.
51
00:02:00,554 --> 00:02:02,690
We can talk, we can share,
we can laugh.
52
00:02:02,756 --> 00:02:08,128
Talking, sharing and laughing is
fine, but what about her ears?
53
00:02:08,196 --> 00:02:09,963
What about 'em?
54
00:02:10,030 --> 00:02:12,166
Ears never stop growing, Alan.
55
00:02:12,233 --> 00:02:15,969
And I like a nice, taut lobe.
56
00:02:16,036 --> 00:02:18,372
This conversation is over.
57
00:02:18,439 --> 00:02:20,274
I will see you later.
58
00:02:20,341 --> 00:02:22,676
Why do you think old ladies
wear big earrings?
59
00:02:23,544 --> 00:02:25,379
To make their ears look smaller!
60
00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:29,717
Like I'm the only one
who's noticed.
61
00:02:30,784 --> 00:02:32,586
(glass dinging on TV)
62
00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:35,189
MAN (on TV):
I'd like to make a toast
to my wife.
63
00:02:35,256 --> 00:02:38,826
Darling, you've given me the
happiest 20 years of my life.
64
00:02:38,892 --> 00:02:42,496
Why? Was she in a coma?
65
00:02:42,563 --> 00:02:44,164
I can't imagine
living without you.
66
00:02:44,232 --> 00:02:45,699
You complete me.
67
00:02:45,766 --> 00:02:50,204
I bet she's got
a set of ears on her.
68
00:02:50,271 --> 00:02:52,740
Oh, yeah.
69
00:02:52,806 --> 00:02:56,210
You could swat flies
with those things.
70
00:03:10,491 --> 00:03:12,025
Whoa.
71
00:03:12,092 --> 00:03:14,228
Hey, pal.
72
00:03:14,295 --> 00:03:16,029
It's just you and me
tonight, huh?
73
00:03:16,096 --> 00:03:17,765
(squawks)
74
00:03:17,831 --> 00:03:20,100
Yeah, I know how you feel.
75
00:03:20,167 --> 00:03:21,935
There's a lot of fish
in the sea,
76
00:03:22,002 --> 00:03:24,738
but after you catch 'em
and eat 'em, then what?
77
00:03:24,805 --> 00:03:27,007
(squawks)
78
00:03:27,074 --> 00:03:28,842
Damn straight.
79
00:03:28,909 --> 00:03:31,144
It's not worth the hassle.
80
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:33,614
Oh, my mistake.
81
00:03:33,681 --> 00:03:35,716
Didn't know you had a date.
82
00:03:37,418 --> 00:03:38,919
Hey, if you two
don't have any other plans,
83
00:03:38,986 --> 00:03:40,988
why don't you fly
over to the Hollywood Bowl
84
00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:43,857
and take a crap on my brother?
85
00:03:43,924 --> 00:03:46,827
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
86
00:03:46,894 --> 00:03:49,663
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Oh.
87
00:03:52,199 --> 00:03:54,302
What was your dream?
88
00:03:54,368 --> 00:03:57,037
We were on a train in a tunnel?
89
00:03:57,104 --> 00:03:59,573
Sounds kind of boring.
90
00:04:00,908 --> 00:04:02,743
It means what?!
91
00:04:02,810 --> 00:04:05,012
Oh, hey.
92
00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:06,714
You're up early.
93
00:04:06,780 --> 00:04:08,982
No way.
94
00:04:09,049 --> 00:04:10,684
I am not just getting home.
95
00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:12,920
I couldn't sleep,
so I went for a walk.
96
00:04:12,986 --> 00:04:14,955
Dad, a little privacy, please?
97
00:04:15,022 --> 00:04:16,624
Okay.
98
00:04:16,690 --> 00:04:18,225
I just didn't want you
to get the wrong idea.
99
00:04:18,292 --> 00:04:20,461
I'm confused.
100
00:04:20,528 --> 00:04:23,731
If I'm in the train,
how can I be the train?
101
00:04:28,636 --> 00:04:31,071
At least he's not the tunnel.
102
00:04:31,138 --> 00:04:33,707
Morning.
103
00:04:33,774 --> 00:04:35,075
Hey.
104
00:04:35,142 --> 00:04:38,245
I'm just getting in.
105
00:04:38,312 --> 00:04:40,814
Yeah. I can see that.
106
00:04:40,881 --> 00:04:43,584
Didn't get much sleep
last night.
107
00:04:43,651 --> 00:04:44,985
Uh-huh.
108
00:04:45,052 --> 00:04:47,888
And yet I feel totally rested.
109
00:04:47,955 --> 00:04:49,623
Good for you.
110
00:04:49,690 --> 00:04:54,995
I mean, rested but... spent.
111
00:04:55,062 --> 00:04:56,364
Gotcha.
112
00:04:56,430 --> 00:05:01,034
Well, not so much spent
as happily depleted.
113
00:05:02,770 --> 00:05:04,905
Joyously bereft of...
I get it!
114
00:05:04,972 --> 00:05:06,106
You got laid.
115
00:05:06,173 --> 00:05:08,342
And....
116
00:05:08,409 --> 00:05:12,480
Michael Bublê's autograph.
117
00:05:15,048 --> 00:05:17,651
Congratulations.
118
00:05:17,718 --> 00:05:21,355
So... how was your evening?
119
00:05:25,258 --> 00:05:27,995
(mimics gunshot)
120
00:05:31,365 --> 00:05:34,768
Oh! You know,
I talked to Donna about you.
121
00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:36,003
Donna?
122
00:05:36,069 --> 00:05:37,371
The woman I was with last night.
123
00:05:37,438 --> 00:05:39,907
Oh, yeah. You talk,
you share, you laugh.
124
00:05:39,973 --> 00:05:41,609
Kiss my ass.
125
00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:45,546
Anyway, it turns out she has
a friend who's newly single,
126
00:05:45,613 --> 00:05:46,947
and I suggested...
127
00:05:47,014 --> 00:05:49,383
A blind date? Forget it.
128
00:05:49,450 --> 00:05:52,185
Charlie Harper does not go
on blind dates.
129
00:05:52,252 --> 00:05:53,186
He doesn't?
130
00:05:53,253 --> 00:05:54,855
No, he doesn't.
131
00:05:54,922 --> 00:05:56,089
Huh.
132
00:05:58,125 --> 00:06:00,428
Can't we ask him?
133
00:06:00,494 --> 00:06:02,430
Don't bother.
134
00:06:02,496 --> 00:06:04,064
I know what he'll say.
135
00:06:04,131 --> 00:06:08,001
Okay, but does he have
to say it in the third person?
136
00:06:08,068 --> 00:06:10,871
Look, I don't need anybody
to get me dates.
137
00:06:10,938 --> 00:06:11,939
I can get my own dates.
138
00:06:12,005 --> 00:06:13,607
Yes, but you were complaining
that the women
139
00:06:13,674 --> 00:06:15,543
you go out with
don't fulfill you.
140
00:06:15,609 --> 00:06:18,779
Donna's friend is beautiful,
she's accomplished, she's smart.
141
00:06:18,846 --> 00:06:20,147
How old is she?
142
00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:21,882
I think around 40.
143
00:06:21,949 --> 00:06:23,283
Hello.
144
00:06:23,350 --> 00:06:25,385
Flippity-flappity-flappity!
145
00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:29,256
Still with the ears.
146
00:06:29,322 --> 00:06:31,625
It's not just ears.
147
00:06:31,692 --> 00:06:33,961
Women that age
have a lot of baggage.
148
00:06:34,027 --> 00:06:36,964
Right. And you've
just got a carry-on.
149
00:06:41,101 --> 00:06:43,236
Think about this.
150
00:06:43,303 --> 00:06:44,805
What if I meet this woman?
151
00:06:44,872 --> 00:06:47,307
I like her, she likes me,
we get married and settle down?
152
00:06:47,374 --> 00:06:48,241
Mm-hmm.
153
00:06:48,308 --> 00:06:49,643
We're both 40 now.
154
00:06:49,710 --> 00:06:52,045
In 20 years, I'm gonna be 60.
155
00:06:52,112 --> 00:06:54,181
And do you know
how old she's gonna be?
156
00:06:55,282 --> 00:06:57,384
60?
157
00:06:57,451 --> 00:06:59,487
I rest my case.
158
00:07:02,155 --> 00:07:04,424
* Men...
159
00:07:06,026 --> 00:07:07,194
That was nice, huh?
160
00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:08,662
I guess.
161
00:07:08,729 --> 00:07:13,166
My ear's still
a little soggy.
162
00:07:13,233 --> 00:07:15,002
It's okay.
163
00:07:15,068 --> 00:07:16,870
So, "Deedee."
164
00:07:16,937 --> 00:07:19,339
Is that short
for anything?
165
00:07:19,406 --> 00:07:21,108
Like what?
166
00:07:21,174 --> 00:07:22,409
I don't know.
167
00:07:22,476 --> 00:07:25,412
Dee... dum diddy
dum diddy doo?
168
00:07:25,479 --> 00:07:27,347
No. It's just a nickname.
169
00:07:27,414 --> 00:07:30,183
Oh. Well, what's
your real name?
170
00:07:30,250 --> 00:07:32,319
Sissy.
171
00:07:32,385 --> 00:07:34,655
Sissy, huh?
172
00:07:34,722 --> 00:07:37,024
I guess that means you
throw a ball like a girl.
173
00:07:37,090 --> 00:07:39,226
I am a girl.
174
00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:42,896
Right.
175
00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:45,999
Is Charlie
short for anything?
176
00:07:46,066 --> 00:07:47,334
Charles.
177
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:51,038
Oh. That's not
really shorter, is it?
178
00:07:54,241 --> 00:07:55,676
Excuse me.
179
00:07:55,743 --> 00:07:58,245
Why?
180
00:07:58,311 --> 00:08:00,748
Did you fart?
181
00:08:05,152 --> 00:08:07,054
No. You hang up first.
182
00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:08,589
Okay, on three.
183
00:08:08,656 --> 00:08:11,424
One, two, three.
184
00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:13,426
You didn't hang up, did you?
185
00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:15,563
Me neither.
186
00:08:18,566 --> 00:08:21,935
Okay, set it up.
187
00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:24,271
What?
188
00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:26,574
The blind date
with the old chick. I'm in.
189
00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:32,245
What?
190
00:08:33,981 --> 00:08:35,448
* Men...
191
00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:37,618
Alan, let's go!
192
00:08:37,685 --> 00:08:39,887
Relax. We've got
plenty of time.
193
00:08:39,953 --> 00:08:41,589
I just don't want to be late.
194
00:08:41,655 --> 00:08:43,691
I can't believe it.
195
00:08:43,757 --> 00:08:44,792
You're nervous about a date.
196
00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:46,594
Of course I'm nervous.
197
00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:48,261
What am I going
to talk to her about?
198
00:08:48,328 --> 00:08:51,899
I haven't gone out
with a 40-year-old woman
since high school.
199
00:08:55,202 --> 00:08:57,004
Well, Charlie, that's
the great thing
200
00:08:57,070 --> 00:08:58,438
about seeing someone
your own age.
201
00:08:58,505 --> 00:09:00,040
There's always something
to talk about,
202
00:09:00,107 --> 00:09:02,643
because what you've been
through, she's been through.
203
00:09:02,710 --> 00:09:06,446
Oh, I hardly think so.
204
00:09:06,513 --> 00:09:07,848
All right. Point taken.
205
00:09:07,915 --> 00:09:09,382
But she's a
fascinating woman.
206
00:09:09,449 --> 00:09:10,651
She's a municipal
court judge.
207
00:09:10,718 --> 00:09:11,952
She teaches law at UCLA.
208
00:09:12,019 --> 00:09:14,554
Aw, man,
you didn't tell me that!
209
00:09:14,622 --> 00:09:15,555
Does that make a difference?
210
00:09:15,623 --> 00:09:16,523
It makes a big difference.
211
00:09:16,590 --> 00:09:17,958
The smarter the girl,
212
00:09:18,025 --> 00:09:20,894
the harder it is
to blow smoke up her ass.
213
00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:28,602
You know,
I'm already regretting this.
214
00:09:28,669 --> 00:09:29,603
And for good reason.
215
00:09:29,670 --> 00:09:30,871
Let's just call it off.
216
00:09:30,938 --> 00:09:32,439
No, no, no. It's
too late for that.
217
00:09:32,505 --> 00:09:35,809
Just relax and...
I don't know... be yourself.
218
00:09:35,876 --> 00:09:38,979
And, by "yourself," I mean
someone else entirely.
219
00:09:39,046 --> 00:09:40,480
Anything else?
220
00:09:40,547 --> 00:09:43,651
Well, as long we've opened
this particular can of worms,
221
00:09:43,717 --> 00:09:45,853
you might want
to rethink the bowling shirt.
222
00:09:46,954 --> 00:09:48,922
Why?
223
00:09:48,989 --> 00:09:52,025
Well, as I said, she's a judge
and a law professor,
224
00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:55,328
and let's let's be honest,
you don't bowl.
225
00:09:55,395 --> 00:09:57,865
All right. I'll go change.
226
00:09:57,931 --> 00:10:00,133
And, Charlie?
Yeah?
227
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:01,268
While you're at it,
228
00:10:01,334 --> 00:10:03,103
why don't we go
for the big boy pants?
229
00:10:05,673 --> 00:10:08,041
Fine.
230
00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:11,178
* Men...
231
00:10:11,244 --> 00:10:12,746
Oh. There they are.
232
00:10:12,813 --> 00:10:14,114
Hang on, hang on, hang on.
233
00:10:14,181 --> 00:10:15,716
Which one's mine?
234
00:10:15,783 --> 00:10:18,085
ALAN:
The... the one on the right.
235
00:10:18,151 --> 00:10:19,987
Wow! She's 40?
236
00:10:20,053 --> 00:10:22,990
She has the ears
of a 20-year-old.
237
00:10:25,993 --> 00:10:27,895
Come on.
238
00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:30,798
You think
she had 'em done?
239
00:10:30,864 --> 00:10:32,666
Sorry we're late.
240
00:10:32,733 --> 00:10:34,367
Charlie couldn't decide
what to wear.
241
00:10:34,434 --> 00:10:36,704
Oh. I think he looks very nice.
242
00:10:36,770 --> 00:10:38,538
Thank you.
Charlie, this is Donna.
243
00:10:38,605 --> 00:10:40,340
Hi. How are you?
Hi.
244
00:10:40,407 --> 00:10:41,742
And this is
my friend, Linda.
245
00:10:41,809 --> 00:10:42,876
Nice to meet you.
246
00:10:42,943 --> 00:10:44,011
Nice to meet you, too.
247
00:10:44,077 --> 00:10:45,212
I've heard a lot about you.
248
00:10:45,278 --> 00:10:47,147
And I've heard
a lot about you, too.
249
00:10:47,214 --> 00:10:50,517
And I gotta say,
I am pleasantly surprised.
250
00:10:50,583 --> 00:10:53,120
Really? How so?
251
00:10:53,186 --> 00:10:57,524
Well, Alan tells me
you're a judge and a professor.
252
00:10:57,590 --> 00:11:02,696
And, quite frankly, I wasn't
expecting someone so, uh...
253
00:11:02,763 --> 00:11:04,832
So... what, Charlie?
254
00:11:04,898 --> 00:11:07,868
Uh... yummy.
255
00:11:09,036 --> 00:11:10,203
Hm?
256
00:11:15,042 --> 00:11:17,177
(quietly):
That was wrong, wasn't it?
257
00:11:19,512 --> 00:11:21,448
Yes, that was wrong.
258
00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:23,884
What I... what I meant was,
259
00:11:23,951 --> 00:11:26,086
I was expecting you to be...
260
00:11:26,153 --> 00:11:27,654
more, you know,
261
00:11:27,721 --> 00:11:29,156
dry.
262
00:11:29,222 --> 00:11:30,958
But you're not.
263
00:11:31,024 --> 00:11:33,927
You're actually
kind of... moist.
264
00:11:37,831 --> 00:11:40,267
(sighing):
Oh, good Lord.
265
00:11:41,735 --> 00:11:43,670
You know what?
You know what?
266
00:11:43,737 --> 00:11:45,839
I-I think I'd like
to start over.
267
00:11:45,906 --> 00:11:47,507
Hi. I'm Charlie.
268
00:11:47,574 --> 00:11:49,076
(chuckles)
Linda.
269
00:11:49,142 --> 00:11:50,410
Hi, Linda.
270
00:11:50,477 --> 00:11:53,781
I got to tell you, I have
never met a judge before.
271
00:11:53,847 --> 00:11:55,482
You know, voluntarily.
272
00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:57,450
(laughing)
273
00:12:03,323 --> 00:12:05,125
Better?
274
00:12:05,192 --> 00:12:08,428
Anything's better
than "moist."
275
00:12:09,863 --> 00:12:11,464
* Men...
276
00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:16,736
Oh, well, we met
in the church choir,
277
00:12:16,804 --> 00:12:19,372
then we found out our kids
were in the same preschool.
278
00:12:19,439 --> 00:12:21,809
Next thing you know,
we're on the carnival
committee together,
279
00:12:21,875 --> 00:12:23,710
doing the bake sale...
Oh, which reminds me,
280
00:12:23,777 --> 00:12:26,346
I'm supposed to be
snack mom next Tuesday--
can you switch with me?
281
00:12:26,413 --> 00:12:29,049
Oh, yeah, no problem.
Oh, thanks.
282
00:12:33,821 --> 00:12:35,789
I got nothing.
283
00:12:37,357 --> 00:12:40,127
Hey, hey, why don't we
order some drinks?
284
00:12:40,193 --> 00:12:42,295
Just iced tea for me.
Oh, me, too.
285
00:12:42,362 --> 00:12:43,730
Uh, Charlie,
you want iced tea?
286
00:12:43,797 --> 00:12:45,933
Why on earth
would I want iced tea?
287
00:12:47,467 --> 00:12:50,737
Because you don't drink
alcohol during the daytime.
288
00:12:50,804 --> 00:12:52,873
Oh, right.
289
00:12:52,940 --> 00:12:54,641
Of course not.
290
00:12:54,707 --> 00:12:56,476
Iced tea, rocks, water back.
291
00:12:57,777 --> 00:13:00,147
Uh, excuse me, miss?
Yes, can I help...
292
00:13:00,213 --> 00:13:01,314
Charlie?
293
00:13:02,715 --> 00:13:05,185
Oh, hey, hi.
294
00:13:05,252 --> 00:13:06,854
How come you never called me?
295
00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:08,889
Well, uh...
296
00:13:08,956 --> 00:13:10,357
(nervous chuckling)
297
00:13:11,925 --> 00:13:13,560
Funny story.
298
00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:14,794
Long story.
299
00:13:14,862 --> 00:13:15,963
Tell you later.
300
00:13:16,029 --> 00:13:17,797
Can we get
four iced teas, please?
301
00:13:17,865 --> 00:13:20,000
I'll be right back.
302
00:13:24,771 --> 00:13:27,074
(chuckles)
Old friend?
303
00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:31,211
Yeah, you know,
church choir, bake sale.
304
00:13:33,113 --> 00:13:36,249
You may not want
to drink the iced tea.
305
00:13:40,854 --> 00:13:43,156
You know, Alan,
I got to hand it to you--
306
00:13:43,223 --> 00:13:44,858
Linda is really something.
307
00:13:44,925 --> 00:13:46,693
Yeah, yeah,
she's terrific.
308
00:13:46,759 --> 00:13:48,128
But let me ask
you something.
309
00:13:48,195 --> 00:13:49,562
Sure.
310
00:13:49,629 --> 00:13:54,267
What in God's name possessed you
to talk about pornography?
311
00:13:55,402 --> 00:13:57,370
Hey, she started it.
312
00:13:57,437 --> 00:13:58,771
She wasn't talking
about pornography.
313
00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:00,240
She was talking
about constitutional law
314
00:14:00,307 --> 00:14:01,909
and the preservation
of the First Amendment.
315
00:14:01,975 --> 00:14:05,345
Which includes pornography.
316
00:14:05,412 --> 00:14:08,815
Yes, it does, but it does not
include your favorite actresses,
317
00:14:08,882 --> 00:14:12,719
top ten DVD's or your beefs
about the bonus features.
318
00:14:12,785 --> 00:14:15,855
I just pointed out
that the bloopers, though funny,
319
00:14:15,923 --> 00:14:18,058
are really more of a turnoff.
320
00:14:18,125 --> 00:14:20,793
("Fur Elise" ringtone playing)
321
00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:21,962
Hello?
322
00:14:22,029 --> 00:14:23,263
Yeah, yeah, hi, Donna.
323
00:14:23,330 --> 00:14:24,998
Um, Charlie and I
were just talking
324
00:14:25,065 --> 00:14:27,134
about what a nice
time we had.
325
00:14:28,035 --> 00:14:30,170
Okay, I'm sorry.
326
00:14:31,004 --> 00:14:32,973
We... I'm sorry.
327
00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:35,808
(quietly):
Ask her if Linda likes me.
328
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:36,843
H-Hang on.
329
00:14:36,910 --> 00:14:37,945
You're kidding, right?
330
00:14:38,011 --> 00:14:40,080
Come on, chicks talk
to each other.
331
00:14:40,147 --> 00:14:43,616
Uh, Donna,
would you please tell my brother
332
00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:45,618
what you just told me. Here.
333
00:14:46,987 --> 00:14:49,456
Hey, Donna. Talk to me.
334
00:14:49,522 --> 00:14:51,925
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
335
00:14:51,992 --> 00:14:53,260
I see.
336
00:14:53,326 --> 00:14:56,596
Okay, well,
thanks for the heads-up.
337
00:14:56,663 --> 00:14:58,966
Linda didn't like me.
338
00:14:59,032 --> 00:15:01,134
Go figure.
339
00:15:02,135 --> 00:15:05,973
I told her not
to drink the iced tea.
340
00:15:06,039 --> 00:15:08,942
* Men...
341
00:15:09,009 --> 00:15:10,810
That's what I heard--
342
00:15:10,877 --> 00:15:13,246
Danny Sholander
likes Jennifer Denapoli.
343
00:15:13,313 --> 00:15:15,348
Hey.
344
00:15:18,051 --> 00:15:20,120
Really? He's gay?
345
00:15:20,187 --> 00:15:22,622
Does he know that?
346
00:15:22,689 --> 00:15:24,924
You got to get me
another crack at her.
347
00:15:24,992 --> 00:15:27,094
What?
348
00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:29,429
I need to see her again.
See who?
349
00:15:29,496 --> 00:15:31,831
Linda. I-I can't let it
end this way.
350
00:15:31,898 --> 00:15:33,133
Let what end?
It was a lunch.
351
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:35,502
No, no, no, no,
it was more than a lunch.
352
00:15:35,568 --> 00:15:37,971
It was a test:
Is Charlie Harper capable
353
00:15:38,038 --> 00:15:39,973
of stepping up to quality women?
354
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:42,642
Oh, God, we're back
to third person.
355
00:15:42,709 --> 00:15:44,844
Alan, I am tired
of having meaningless sex
356
00:15:44,911 --> 00:15:46,413
with hot pinheads.
357
00:15:46,479 --> 00:15:49,149
What a coincidence--
I'm tired of hearing about it.
358
00:15:49,216 --> 00:15:51,118
Linda's smart,
359
00:15:51,184 --> 00:15:53,020
Linda's sophisticated,
Linda's successful.
360
00:15:53,086 --> 00:15:55,088
Linda doesn't like you.
361
00:15:55,155 --> 00:15:56,623
She will-- I can make her.
362
00:15:56,689 --> 00:15:58,125
You just need to tell Donna
363
00:15:58,191 --> 00:16:00,093
to tell Linda
to give me another chance.
364
00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:01,995
Fine, I'll pass her a note
during study hall.
365
00:16:02,062 --> 00:16:03,630
Hey, hey, hey,
366
00:16:03,696 --> 00:16:05,999
don't belittle my feelings.
367
00:16:06,066 --> 00:16:08,701
I'm in a very sensitive place,
and I will kick your ass.
368
00:16:08,768 --> 00:16:12,372
Oh, come on, Charlie,
so you struck out with a woman.
369
00:16:12,439 --> 00:16:13,706
It happens.
370
00:16:13,773 --> 00:16:16,176
Believe me... it happens.
371
00:16:16,243 --> 00:16:18,011
And when it does,
the best thing to do
372
00:16:18,078 --> 00:16:20,447
is to pick yourself up,
dust yourself off
373
00:16:20,513 --> 00:16:24,351
and curse God for making you
the way you are.
374
00:16:24,417 --> 00:16:26,219
All right, forget it;
I don't need you.
375
00:16:26,286 --> 00:16:28,655
I'll call her myself.
376
00:16:35,028 --> 00:16:37,130
Sorry about
the "curse God" stuff.
377
00:16:37,197 --> 00:16:41,268
But we both know
I'm not your best work.
378
00:16:42,835 --> 00:16:44,504
* Men...
379
00:16:44,571 --> 00:16:48,241
Yeah, hi. Can I
speak to Judge
Linda Harris, please?
380
00:16:48,308 --> 00:16:50,710
Charlie Harper.
381
00:16:50,777 --> 00:16:53,246
Yes, again.
382
00:16:53,313 --> 00:16:56,216
All right, fine,
put me through to voice mail.
383
00:16:56,283 --> 00:16:58,785
Banging a judge won't
get you out of jury duty--
384
00:16:58,851 --> 00:16:59,919
believe me, I've tried.
385
00:16:59,986 --> 00:17:02,489
Shh, shh, quiet.
386
00:17:03,623 --> 00:17:05,725
Yeah, hi, Linda.
It's Charlie again.
387
00:17:05,792 --> 00:17:09,296
(chuckles)
I just want you to know that
this will be my last message.
388
00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:12,432
I figure three's a charm,
four is a restraining order.
389
00:17:12,499 --> 00:17:13,966
(chuckles)
390
00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:16,169
Look who I'm tellin'.
391
00:17:16,236 --> 00:17:18,971
Anyway, I know we didn't
get off on the right foot,
392
00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:21,741
but that's just because I'm
not used to spending time
393
00:17:21,808 --> 00:17:24,010
with such a remarkable
and accomplished woman.
394
00:17:24,077 --> 00:17:25,445
Keep shoveling.
395
00:17:28,915 --> 00:17:30,350
And it's true,
396
00:17:30,417 --> 00:17:33,220
I've lived a certain
kind of life up until now.
397
00:17:33,286 --> 00:17:35,622
I'm not saying that
I'm proud of it,
398
00:17:35,688 --> 00:17:37,590
but I'm not ashamed
of it, either.
399
00:17:37,657 --> 00:17:40,059
Why else would you have
videotaped most of it?
400
00:17:42,629 --> 00:17:45,265
I'm begging you.
401
00:17:46,166 --> 00:17:48,735
So, if you want to call me back,
402
00:17:48,801 --> 00:17:50,237
call me back.
403
00:17:50,303 --> 00:17:53,240
If not, well, have a nice life.
404
00:17:53,306 --> 00:17:58,077
But it'd be a nicer life
if you called me.
405
00:17:58,878 --> 00:18:00,347
Well...
406
00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:03,316
I never thought I'd see
Charlie Harper on his knees.
407
00:18:03,383 --> 00:18:04,751
You know, figuratively.
408
00:18:07,754 --> 00:18:11,758
Can we please talk about me
in the first person?
409
00:18:11,824 --> 00:18:14,427
What's this broad got
that's so special?
410
00:18:14,494 --> 00:18:15,495
A brain.
411
00:18:15,562 --> 00:18:18,298
What are you gonna do
with a brain?
412
00:18:18,365 --> 00:18:21,434
It doesn't matter;
she'll never call me.
413
00:18:21,501 --> 00:18:23,203
Oh, don't talk like that.
414
00:18:23,270 --> 00:18:24,937
Just because she's
smart and successful
415
00:18:25,004 --> 00:18:28,241
doesn't mean she's
not damaged enough
to go out with you.
416
00:18:30,343 --> 00:18:32,779
Thanks, Berta, that means a lot.
417
00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:35,815
(phone rings)
418
00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:42,422
Hello?
419
00:18:42,489 --> 00:18:45,625
Nah, Jake's not here--
try him at his mom's house.
420
00:18:47,994 --> 00:18:49,396
Where are you going?
421
00:18:50,763 --> 00:18:53,766
I don't know, someplace
where the bottles are full
422
00:18:53,833 --> 00:18:55,668
and the women are empty.
423
00:18:55,735 --> 00:19:00,273
* And the skies
are not cloudy all day. *
424
00:19:00,340 --> 00:19:02,709
* Men...
425
00:19:02,775 --> 00:19:05,445
$50 fine, time served.
426
00:19:05,512 --> 00:19:06,713
Call the next case.
427
00:19:06,779 --> 00:19:08,047
MAN:
Case number
428
00:19:08,114 --> 00:19:11,050
1217-07,
Charles Harper,
429
00:19:11,117 --> 00:19:12,752
charged with drunk
and disorderly,
430
00:19:12,819 --> 00:19:14,421
resisting arrest.
431
00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:15,722
Charlie?
432
00:19:17,190 --> 00:19:20,092
Oh. Hey.
433
00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:22,462
Small world, huh?
434
00:19:23,363 --> 00:19:25,498
Approach the bench, please.
435
00:19:25,565 --> 00:19:27,367
(whispering):
Excuse me.
436
00:19:27,434 --> 00:19:29,236
I think this is personal.
437
00:19:32,239 --> 00:19:34,941
Please tell me you did not
get yourself arrested
438
00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:36,809
just so you could see me.
439
00:19:38,278 --> 00:19:40,613
Um...
440
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:42,282
you got me.
441
00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:45,952
Charlie, what am I
going to do with you?
442
00:19:46,018 --> 00:19:47,687
Have dinner with me.
443
00:19:47,754 --> 00:19:51,958
Otherwise, we're looking
at a crime spree here.
444
00:19:53,059 --> 00:19:55,262
All right, one dinner.
445
00:19:55,328 --> 00:19:56,896
Now, step back.
446
00:19:56,963 --> 00:19:58,331
Yes, ma'am.
447
00:19:59,232 --> 00:20:00,833
How do you plead?
448
00:20:00,900 --> 00:20:02,502
Guilty, Your Honor.
449
00:20:02,569 --> 00:20:04,170
Is this a first offense?
Yes, Your Honor.
450
00:20:04,237 --> 00:20:05,638
All right, $500 fine.
451
00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:07,407
$500? Last time..
Last time?
452
00:20:07,474 --> 00:20:09,842
Thank you, Your Honor.
453
00:20:09,909 --> 00:20:12,111
Next case.
454
00:20:12,178 --> 00:20:14,881
MAN:
Case number 1217-08,
455
00:20:14,947 --> 00:20:15,948
Heidi Jones,
456
00:20:16,015 --> 00:20:17,317
charged with
solicitation.
457
00:20:17,384 --> 00:20:19,352
Hey, Charlie.
Shh, shh, shh!
458
00:20:24,190 --> 00:20:26,259
* Men...
459
00:20:29,296 --> 00:20:30,963
Where's your car?
460
00:20:31,030 --> 00:20:32,932
Good question.
461
00:20:32,999 --> 00:20:35,868
Oh... Charlie...
Yeah, we just
got my uncle
462
00:20:35,935 --> 00:20:36,836
out of jail.
463
00:20:36,903 --> 00:20:38,771
It was cool.
I saw a real pimp.
464
00:20:39,872 --> 00:20:41,140
(groans)
465
00:20:41,207 --> 00:20:43,075
I hope you learned
a lesson here.
466
00:20:43,142 --> 00:20:44,210
I sure did.
467
00:20:44,277 --> 00:20:45,512
And what was that lesson?
468
00:20:45,578 --> 00:20:47,447
If a woman won't
return your calls,
469
00:20:47,514 --> 00:20:51,083
get drunk, get arrested,
then lie through your teeth.
470
00:20:51,150 --> 00:20:52,885
That's it?
That's what you learned?
471
00:20:52,952 --> 00:20:56,523
Well, also, if your cell mate
wants your bologna sandwich,
472
00:20:56,589 --> 00:20:59,492
just give it to him.
473
00:20:59,559 --> 00:21:02,495
Okay, I'll be your pimp
if you'll be my bee-atch.
474
00:21:02,562 --> 00:21:04,230
Jake! That's enough
with the phone.
475
00:21:04,297 --> 00:21:06,399
Nobody. What were you saying?
476
00:21:07,300 --> 00:21:09,936
Oh, hey!
477
00:21:10,002 --> 00:21:12,705
I'd have kept the phone
and tossed the kid.
32399
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