Original subtitles

Berta, how have you been washing my underwear?

Like I do everything else around here--

with a song on my lips and love in my heart.

I'm serious.

I got a rash in my, you know, private area.

Private? You get any more traffic down there,

you're gonna have to open a Starbucks.

Well, I thought maybe you'd changed laundry soap,

'cause it's all red and itchy especially right around my...

Excuse me.

I'm sitting here eating a breakfast sausage.

It's not a sausage problem.

It's more in the meatball area.

Kind of meatball adjacent.

Bet it's swamp ass.

What's swamp ass?

Don't worry. You'd know if you had swamp ass.

I hate swamp ass.

You sure it's just a rash? What else could it be?

Well, since we're talking about your private area,

it could anything from Ebola to mad cow disease.

You get Ebola from monkeys, right?

Right.

It's just a rash.

A kid at school got swamp ass.

Cats followed him around for a year.

You know what? Let's just forget about it.

Oh, if only we could.

Speaking of school, we've got a big day ahead of us.

We've got to go shopping for supplies, clothes.

Nice segue, Dad.

Well, the subject was crying out for change.

Anyway, you're starting a new school.

You're gonna need new stuff.

Wait a sec.

Melonhead made it into junior high?

Yes.

So you passed summer school?

Sort of.

What do you mean, "sort of"?

They said it was in everyone's best interest if I moved on.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means they promoted him.

He's starting junior high, and there's absolutely nothing

to be gained in asking how or why.

Okay, well, whatever.

I'm proud of you, man.

For what?

I don't know.

Hanging in there until they were sick of you.

Thanks.

So... junior high, huh?

Boy, that brings back some memories, doesn't it, Alan?

Can we please not go down that road?

What happened?

It's just that...

kids in junior high can be a little judgmental.

Especially if you're knocked up.

Thank you, Berta.

Of course, on the up side,

pregnant chicks didn't have to go to gym.

Did the guys who got 'em pregnant got any considerations?

No, not even a hall pass.

Are we quite done?

You'll see. Things will go great for you.

You just have to remember a few things.

Like what?

Well... always keep your lunch money in your shoe

but have some spare change in your pocket.

How come? Decoy money.

They won't stop hitting you till they get something.

Who are "they"?

The big kids holding you by your ankles

and plunging your head in the toilet.

Plunging my head in the toilet?!

Don't, don't, don't, don't freak the kid out, Alan.

It's not so much plunging as dipping.

BERTA: Here's what you do.

Make friends with the janitor.

They usually have their own bathroom.

Okay.

Just never drink out of his Thermos.

All right.

And don't believe him if he tells you he loves you.

Damn it, I miss that one-eyed son of a bitch.

Oh, oh, and if you have to shower after gym class,

remember, there is no shame in keeping your Jockey shorts on.

Really?

Okay, there's a little shame.

But the important thing is

the fellows won't be calling you "Shrinky dink."

Shrinky dink?

I'm a grower, not a shower.

Oh, I almost forgot.

I got you a little present.

Your very own cell phone.

Oh, cool.

The important thing to remember is this is not a toy.

It's to use in emergencies only.

Emergencies? What emergencies?

CHARLIE (softly): Dad, come get me!

I'm stuffed in my locker and my underwear is wet!

That only happened once.

If that drug-sniffing dog hadn't found you,

you'd have missed Thanksgiving.

Drug-sniffing dog?

There were no, there were no drugs.

That's true.

Turns out those dogs are also sensitive to urine.

I was in there for five hours.

Five hours?

But you don't have to worry about that.

You have a cell phone.

Which you should hide

where prisoners of war hid their watches.

Where was that?

Moving on.

I've pre-programmed the phone.

Speed dial one is me,

speed dial two is the nurse's office,

and speed dial three is the police.

The police? What for?

You'll know it when it happens.

Now, about race riots.

Try not to take sides.

If anybody asks, you're mulatto.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men...

ALAN: How do they feel?

Okay, but they're ugly.

They look like old people shoes.

They're not old people shoes.

They're walking shoes.

Right, for people who've been walking

over 85 years.

I'd rather get these. These are cool.

Listen, Jake, junior high is not about

being cool or popular.

It's about not getting mugged for your sneakers.

I can get mugged for my sneakers?

Not those sneakers.

No, not unless you go walking by

an assisted living facility in a rough neighborhood.

What are you doing?

Huh? Oh.

Sorry, this rash is driving me crazy.

I feel stupid in these.

Better to feel stupid than to be

tied to flagpole barefoot

while upperclassmen use you as a spittoon.

I don't want to be tied to a flagpole.

You won't be. Just wear the ugly shoes

and don't sit at the wrong lunch table.

Wrong table?

How will I know if it's the wrong table?

You'll be tied to a flagpole, right, Alan?

That also only happened once.

Let's just check the fit.

Ooh, good.

Plenty of room for lunch money.

* Men...

How come all my school clothes have to beige?

Because beige is not the color of any known gang.

Right, so instead of being mistaken for a Crip or a Blood,

you'll be mistaken for a very large Band-Aid.

Hey, Band-Aids are ouchless.

Oh, oh, excuse me, excuse me. There's a line.

Yeah, I just got a couple things.

Well, I can see that,

but it's not really based on quantity of items.

It's more of a we-were-here- before-you kind of deal.

(sighs)

You gonna make a thing out of this?

There's no thing.

I'm just, uh, just playing by the rules

and wouldn't it be nice if everybody did the same?

Hang onto this, slick.

Now, you want to explain those rules again, jughead?

You know what?

If you're in such a big hurry, why don't you just go ahead?

Thank you.

What the hell are you doing?

Nothing. Here.

(clucking)

No, no, not chicken, just good common sense.

Fighting accomplishes nothing.

Oh, I didn't know you were so French.

Hey.

Oh, hey, Julie.

Uh...

How do you know my wife?

What? Oh, no, no, no.

I-I-I don't know her.

You said, "Hey, Julie."

N-no, no. I-I-I sneezed.

Ay... chooie!

Gesundheit.

Thank you.

Oh, look, another cashier opened up.

(softly): Let's go, let's go, let's go.

(clucking to tune of "La Marseilles")

But Mom said I could wait for the bus by myself.

I know.

I would really rather wait for the bus by myself.

I just want to make sure you get off okay.

Yeah, but being walked to the bus stop

by my dad and my uncle?

I'm gonna look so lame.

Jake, buddy, that ship has sailed.

(indistinct chatter)

Please don't leave me.

You're okay.

Just don't make eye contact.

Okay, when the bus comes,

don't take a window seat.

You don't want to be trapped by one of these mouth-breathers

and get pummeled. Pummeled?

And be polite to the bus driver.

They tend to be damaged people with short fuses.

Fuses?

Don't distract him.

There's no seatbelts on these old buses.

One sharp turn, and all you kids

will be flying around like lotto balls.

Balls? (bus approaches)

(kids cheering)

Oh, uh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Smile.

About what?

I need a current picture in case you go missing.

Alan, you're being ridiculous.

They never find those kids.

Give me a profile.

Okay, now go and make it a great day.

Have fun.

(kids shouting, laughing)

I just hope everything turns out all right.

Well, we've done all we could.

Now it's up to him. Mm-hmm.

* Men...

* Men...

Okay, okay, tell the doctor that if I was a tree,

the rash is predominantly around the mossy trunk area.

But I'm starting to see some redness

on the adjacent boulders.

Oh, come on. "Tree? Two boulders"?

What part don't you understand?

Hey.

Hey. Okay, just have him call me.

Heard from Jake? Nope.

I'll call him at his mom's.

See how school went.

Alan, does this look infected to you?

What? Oh!

Get that away from me!

I'm not asking you to tickle it, just take a look.

No, thank you.

But you're a doctor.

I'm a chiropractor.

I work with vertebrae.

And contrary to popular belief,

there's not a single bone in the penis.

Oh, hi, Judith.

Uh, n-nothing.

I was just talking to Charlie.

Hey, hey, is Jake home from school yet?

No?

Oh, okay.

Well, I was just wondering how his first day went.

Have him call me, okay?

Thanks. Bye-bye.

Huh.

I hope he didn't wander under the bleachers during lunch hour.

Nah, he's smarter than that.

Smart?

Charlie, he only got out of sixth grade

because he couldn't fit in the desks anymore.

Well, if you're that concerned, just call him on his cell.

Good idea.

(phone rings nearby)

Uh, Jake?

Jake, where are you?

Oh, you're still on the bus.

Funny. I don't hear the other kids.

Oh, yeah, it was a tough day.

Everybody's tired.

No kidding.

Dad, this phone is for emergencies only.

Why aren't you at your mother's?

I got off the bus at school, got on another bus and came here.

So you've never been to school today?

Of course not!

I don't want to be stuffed in a locker, tied to a flagpole

or dunked in a toilet!

Not dunked. Dipped.

And where are your new sneakers?

I sold them to the bus driver.

A-ha.

Charlie, can I talk to you for a minute?

Are those my comics?

ALAN: Charlie!

They're near mint, and he wipes his boogers all over them.

He was here all day, and you didn't know?

Hey, I've got a rash.

I can't believe he cut school on his first day.

Well, when you think about it, it's pretty smart.

As far as the school is concerned,

he might just be a typo.

Charlie, the question is, why did he cut school?

Oh, that's easy.

He cut 'cause you scared the crap out of him

and dressed him like an Ace bandage.

I was just trying to prepare him.

For what? A life of running and hiding?

No, no. A life of blending in,

and only if they see you, running and hiding.

Face it, Alan, when the Good Lord

was handing out courage, you were crouched in a locker

peeing on your gym socks.

Okay, first of all,

I had had three Mr. Pibbs at lunch.

And secondly, I am not a coward.

Come on, I've seen steelier nerves

from a cat on the freeway.

That's ridiculous.

(yells) (screams)

Okay, I was not ready, and that was not fair.

And-And what about you?

What about me?

You're afraid of everything.

Like what?

Well, let's see.

Germs, change, commitment, opening your eyes under water,

angry husbands, angry ex-girlfriends,

large birds, spiders and Mom.

Hold on.

Hold on a sec.

I am not afraid to open my eyes under water.

I'm just sensitive to chlorine.

Right.

And for the record, it's just when birds get indoors.

In the sky, I got no problem.

Fine, fine. Live in denial.

I'm gonna try and straighten my kid out.

And what sane person is not afraid of spiders?

* Men...

What I'm trying to say is

that it was wrong to fill your head

with a lot of horrible things to avoid at school.

'Cause the truth is, you can't avoid any of them.

Charlie...

You don't want him living his life in fear, right?

Well, yeah, but...

Well, scary things happen in life.

And he can either hide from them like you...

Like us. Don't nitpick.

Or you can stand up to them.

I mean, look, getting hit in the face hurts,

but you know what hurts more?

A kick in the crotch?

Well, yeah, sure.

I took a soccer ball to the nads once.

Thought my eyes were gonna pop out.

Yeah, but that pain passes.

What hurts more and lasts longer than anything

is the humiliation of running away.

Couldn't ride my bike for a week.

Jake, Jake, I think you're missing the point.

Makes you wonder what they're doing

hanging down there in the first place.

Now, what I think Uncle Charlie is trying to say

is that, yeah, you might get hit,

you might get stuffed in a locker,

but you know what?

You'll survive.

You may get bruised, you may bleed,

you may lose a few teeth,

but... you'll have your self-respect.

Exactly.

How do you stop being afraid?

Well, I drink.

But I didn't start till ninth grade.

* Men...

Yeah, Judith, he was at Charlie's the whole time.

Well, he said he was too scared to go to school.

How should I know why he's so scared?

Maybe you're overprotective.

(softly): Good one.

I-I know you mean well.

All right, we'll be there in a few minutes.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Did you hear that?

Yeah, it's Mom's fault.

Attaboy.

Come on. It's green.

Let's go.

(chuckles)

What's the matter with this guy?

(honks horn longer)

(mouthing)

(car door closes)

Looks like he's coming to tell you.

Lock your doors! Lock your doors!

Wait, wait, no, no, wait.

I am tired of running and hiding.

Are you tired of running and hiding?

Yes, I am.

Remember, Jake,

courage is not the absence of fear.

It's taking action despite fear.

That's very true.

Let's do this.

Right behind you.

Two against one wouldn't be fair.

(Alan screaming)

(thud)

Now, that's courage.

Aren't you proud of him?

(Alan screaming)

You got your cell phone?

It's only for emergencies.

(shouting)

Help me.

(fingers squeaking across glass)

I think this qualifies.

(Alan screaming)

Charlie, Charlie, Charlie Charlie, Charlie!

(cell phone ringing nearby)

Hello?

Uh...

(Alan screaming)

Help me, Charlie!

* Men...

You are a bad brother.

I really thought you had him.

Okay, Mr. Harper, try not to sneeze.

You'll blow those stitches right out.

Thank you, Doctor.

Hey, Doc?

While I got you here, let me show you something.

Oh my goodness, your little jimmy is all crimson.

Yeah. What do you think?

Well, it, uh, looks like an allergic reaction.

Have you been applying anything to your genital region?

Just the usual-- waitresses and actresses.

Oh wait, wait.

Does Grecian Formula count?

Grecian Formula?

You tried to get the gray out of your pubic hair?

Well, I wanted to leave a little silver around the sides.

You know, look distinguished.

DOCTOR: Distinguished? Hmm.

That's interesting.

We have a saying in my country.

"You can put a tuxedo on a goat,

but it is still a goat."

Yeah, well, we have a saying in my country, too.

"Help me, my balls are on fire."

Okay, I'll get you some salve.

How about that?

Allergic reaction, nothing to be scared of.

All's well that ends well, right?

What'd they give you for the pain?

Ah, you lucky bastard.

Wish my balls hurt more.