Original subtitles

I can't remember the last movie we saw in theaters,

and on opening night.

Movies are back, baby.

Just think of all the chumps out there waiting three days

until this movie's free on streaming.

Now to watch this movie the way God intended,

on a small screen and riddled with ads.

I'm Dr. Janet Grody, creator of Snuf Total-Body Deodorant.

It's for all your grossest places.

Just rub it right on your butt cleft,

under pouch, stink flaps...

How can they say those words on TV?

...peat bog, smuckle, stunk-tank...

Come on, skip ad. Skip ad.

...between-hatch, gunk chunnel, boob swamp, elbow crotch...

Elbow crotch.

I have one of those.

Finally.

You're a real man, and real men have scrotum dust.

Oh, for the love of...

Have you got butt-rot?

Mm-hmm.

Does your stank stink?

Looks like it's dingleberry season.

Enough.

Let's just do it old-school.

DVDs were never dirty.

Whoa, geez. Somebody had a crush on Kevin Kline.

Shut up. Everyone did back then.

Keagan's Pond.

Oh, I used to love this show.

It's about four teenagers played by 20-year-olds

with the problems of 40-year-olds.

Oh, that show stinks. It stinks like stink flaps.

Come on, Bart. We're going to Moe's.

No Moe's on a school night.

♪ Do-do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do... ♪

That's Keagan.

I had such a crush on Shawn Garrett Evanson.

He was just poured into that puka shell necklace.

Mom. Shh, it's starting.

Manliest shows for manly men.

Hmm, Clincher.

"Ex-Ranger, ex-CIA, ex-Navy SEAL John Clinch

"doles out his own brand of justice

with his fists."

Buddy, you had me at "fists."

Wow, not wasting any time.

Shh. Punching.

Keagan, what's wrong?

Everyone's saying you cried at swim practice.

I don't want to talk about...

It's my dad.

He says film school's for sissies.

He wants me to be a wedding planner just like him.

Hey, Scorsese.

Come down and help your old man with his centerpieces.

-Let's go. -Where?

A place where we're always safe.

Why are you so good to me?

'Cause I'm with you for the long haul.

As long as there's a pond and a ladder,

I'll be there.

Whoa!

♪ Do-do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do ♪

♪ Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. ♪

He can't go to jail. He'll miss junior prom.

Please tell me we have the season two DVD.

Hmm, maybe in the attic.

Found it.

Oh, I forgot about this season's unfortunate haircuts.

Whoa, this looks just like the dress Laney wore

when she got drunk on cough syrup

and blew her Juilliard audition.

I was trying to look just like her.

I guess we all were.

All these old clothes are actually kind of trendy again.

You know, I bet that would fit you.

Hmm.

Oh.

You look just like a little me,

trying to look like a little Sarah Jennifer Judson.

You should wear that to school.

I don't know, Mom. I've kind of gotten

used to flying under the radar, you know, attention-wise.

But it's cute.

It kind of is.

And then, and then Clincher was like,

"Peace be with you, Father,"

but he meant "piece" like a gun.

Then he punched the priest with the gun.

Oh, wow.

Time for work, dear.

The Clinker will be here when you get home.

It's not Clinker, Marge, it's Clincher.

Thank God she's good-looking, right?

I don't know about this, Mom.

Oh, Lisa. You're adorable.

I guess, but what if someone looks at me?

Oh, no one's gonna look at you.

How cute was Lisa in her '90s look, Maggie?

Pretty fly, I thought.

It's so funny how things come back in style,

like the word "fly."

And she was worried about what the other kids would think.

They'll think she's cute as a button, right?

Right? Why, I bet wearing your mom's clothes

is as cool today as it was when I was a girl.

What have I done?

Janey, do you think this outfit looks okay?

Uh, we're all waiting to hear what we think...

from them.

Move.

Please don't be getting consoled by the janitor.

Hmm, retro vibes but still of the moment.

It tells a story, and that story

is "look at my outfit."

It works!

Ah, she took a risk, and it paid off.

I can't believe it.

My little girl is fashionable.

And then at lunch, when I went up to return my tray,

everyone clapped.

Oh, no, I can't go back

to this dress

that we bought at... CVS?

Please tell me you have one more cool outfit.

Oh, I can do better than that.

♪ Whoo, whoo! ♪ -♪ Street sounds swirling through my mind ♪

♪ Street sounds swirling through my mind ♪

♪ Mind ♪

♪ Mind. ♪

Hey, new kid.

Huh? Me? Oh, I'm not new.

I didn't ask for your life story, new kid.

I'm Devin. Spelled like "heaven,"

but with a "D" and no "A" and an "I" for the second "E."

Of course, you know Vidalia.

No, we've never met.

Lisa, darling.

We were worried you might be a one-fit wonder,

but we've been loving the vintage looks.

Welcome to Fashion Club.

You guys meet in the music room?

We took it over when Mr. Largo died.

Mr. Largo died?

Or he has jury duty? It was something dumb.

Honey, I love your eye.

You're coming thrifting with us this Saturday.

Let's see you in action.

Oh, that sounds fun.

Downtown, noon.

You better like boba, or I swear to God...

Terri, I didn't know you were in Fashion Club.

Where's Sherri?

Please. Have you ever seen Sherri slay?

Or so much as serve?

Keep walking, Kmart.

Guess which fist I'm gonna punch you off your chopper with.

-Huh? -Wrong.

Hope that ambulance has medicine.

Homer, we need your help.

Smitty's trapped between two...

He's running out of oxygen.

Ooh.

Lisa, look what's coming

to the Springfield Convention Center this Saturday.

Hmm?

"Your favorite TV stars from the '90s

in varying degrees of recognizability."

And there's going to be a Keagan's Pond meet-and-greet

at 2:00.

Uh, Saturday? Mm, I sort of have plans.

But I can totally meet you at 2:00.

Mom and daughter day.

Great.

My Frank Paul donkey shirt.

I had so many great memories with it.

And thanks to you, I have one more.

Aw.

Okay, if I'm gonna go shopping, I'm gonna need some money.

$28.

That should be more than enough to get a couple of cute fits

at a thrift store.

A hundred dollars?!

For a T-shirt of an airline that doesn't exist anymore?

Why is everything here so expensive?

Uh, shop much?

This is how the world of thrifting works.

Some used-up 40-year-old donates a box full of clothes

from when she mattered, then someone cool but scary

slaps a huge price tag on it.

So thrift stores aren't for poor people anymore?

Oh, sweetheart, nothing is.

What a racket. Let's ditch this place.

I have a better idea.

Hmm, everyone's either had way too much work done

or not nearly enough.

S.G.E.!

I can't believe I beat the crowds.

Who am I making this out to, sweetheart?

Oh, actually, I-I wanted to get a picture

of you, me and my daughter.

That counts as two selfies.

I'm sure she'll be here any second.

No worries. I can tell you all about my lawsuit

against the makers of the Keagan's Pond slot machine.

It's rigged against me.

♪ Do-do-do-do-do ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da-da ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da-da, ooh. ♪

Look, I got to get out of here,

or these jerks are gonna charge me

a full-day table rental.

I can't believe it.

Lisa stood me up.

Sounds like your afternoon is free.

Ever done it in a men's shelter?

Ah.

Ugh. Lisa, you are so lucky

your mom kept all her old clothes.

My mom sent all her cool looks to the victims of some flood.

So selfish.

I mean, look at how cool all the moms used to be.

I bet every mom in town

has an attic full of forgotten vintage clothes.

I never thought of that.

This would be so cute as a crop top.

Oh, maybe don't...

Uh...

What the heck is going on here?

Mom.

I waited for you for hours.

I met Keagan. It was unsettling.

And the whole time you were here, defiling my clothes

with the cast of Euphoria?

Oh, well, I-I didn't think

you were ever gonna wear this stuff again.

I mean, it doesn't even fit you anymore.

Ooh.

Excuse me?

And even if it did fit,

you're not cool enough to pull it off.

That's it. I'm taking it all back.

Now who's cool?

You, ma'am.

Now make like a banana and peel.

I get it in context, I guess.

Lisa! Hey, girlie. Want to hang?

You still want to hang?

Even after my mom totally mom med out on us?

Please.

We don't ditch people just for having crazy mothers.

My mom once set fire to a piano store

because she was trying to get a news anchor's attention.

Ugh. Mission accomplished.

Come on, we're gonna party at a friend's house.

Ooh, a party?

Playing Candy Land with Ralph is a party?

Totally. You're stuck in Molasses Swamp again.

I like swamp.

Terri's been in the bathroom for a while.

I'm gonna go check on her.

If you see Ralph in the mirror, say hi.

You know, Vidalia's been checking on Terri for a while.

I'm gonna go check on Vidalia checking on Terri.

Uh, that's weird.

Time to go.

What? Oh, okay.

I'm popular.

Why are we leaving?

And why did we come?

Shh. Man, what a haul.

Vintage Abercrombie flannel,

Guess overalls, spaghetti strap dress.

You stole Mrs. Wiggum's old clothes?

It was just sitting in an attic, totally forgotten,

just like you said.

Great job as lookout, by the way.

Oh, God. I was an accessory?

No, this is an accessory.

Ugh, you're right. You really don't have the head shape.

Okay, okay, we're thieves.

I'm a thief. I'm in a gang of thieves.

I'm gonna go to jail, and they'll give me a tattoo

and I won't even get to pick it.

Girlie, relax.

You had a genius idea. We just executed it.

We're keeping these poor, neglected clothes

out of the greedy clutches of Big Thrift.

And we're recycling old clothes

instead of supporting fast fashion.

It's a victimless crime, which is the second-best kind.

But it's still a crime...

...to look this good.

I mean, it is a shame to just let

such cool clothes go to waste.

It's not like Mrs. Wiggum was gonna pass them down to Ralph.

Lisa, you're a genius again.

We'll only hit boy moms' houses from now on.

Oh, stealing from more moms? I don't know.

Hey, fashion girl,

this is your basic mom.

Don't forget you have a dentist appointment today.

Hope you're not too trendy to sanitize your retainer.

I'm in, but if we're gonna hit

every boy mom house in town,

we can't do it one awkward playdate at a time.

We need to get all the moms out of the house at once.

But how?

Attention, students.

Don't forget Saturday is the mother-son dance.

So put on your boogie shoes and mother-respecting bow tis

and get ready to par-tay.

Oh, I'm sorry, I misread that.

-Party. -Ugh.

Thank God my mom's in jail for piano arson.

This is perfect.

All the moms will be out of the house.

But what about the dads?

I know just how to distract 'em.

That's for checking my prostate.

No.

You can't make me go.

Oh, come on. It's not gonna kill you

to slow-dance with your mother in front of your friends.

We don't know that for sure.

Mother. Nice dress.

Thank you. I'm glad it fits.

Barely.

Why, you little...

Break it up. Break it up.

Forget it, Mom, she's not worth it.

Come on,

let's go to the stupid dance.

There's a lasagne in the fridge.

Eat around the beef.

These are the houses

of Springfield's former fashion hotties.

The moms are at the dance.

And I've got the dad distract or.

He's Clinched.

Let's go shopping.

This dance is so lovely.

Whose idea was it?

Well, Mother and I have been going through

a bit of a rough patch,

and our couples counselor suggested it.

Seymour, I didn't wear my fancy orthopedics

for you to chitchat.

I asked the DJ to play "Hungry Eyes."

Bart, "Hungry Eyes."

Hmm?

You'll never catch me alive!

♪ Hungry eyes... ♪

Bart, if you don't boogie with me,

I'll lead a mom dance in the center of the gym.

Aha!

Huh?

Okay, this is the big score.

The mother lode of mother clothes.

Martin Prince's mom.

I heard her sister used to manage an Aeropostale

and had a ten percent discount.

-Whoa. -Whoa. -Whoa.

Let's do this.

Oh, my God.

These sick freaks don't have a TV.

Come on, pick up, pick up.

Spice Girls tour jacket.

Jelly sandals.

Sweatpants with words written on the butt.

Hmm?

Old Man Prince is on the move. Get out of there.

Guys, we got to go. We can climb down from here.

Mom's shirt.

Attention, intruders.

We know you're in the house.

Police are on their way.

Oh, no.

Exit the premises immediately.

I know that the neighbors always have a lot of cash.

They hide a key in the flower pot.

Aw, how did I ever rationalize this

as anything other than a literal crime?

I'm not a fashionista, I'm a criminal.

M-Mom?

I'll explain in the dinghy.

Where did you get a dinghy?

Do you want to escape or not?

Whoa!

While I'm busy get-away-paddling,

why don't you tell me what were you thinking?

I'm so sorry, Mom.

You just wanted to bond with me,

and I ruined it.

I'm such terrible daughter.

Remember, "I'm with you for the long haul.

As long as there's a pond and a ladder, I'll be there."

Wait, how did you know I was here?

A mother always knows...

is the name of the kid-tracking app I put on your phone.

Oh.

I also track your brother on here.

See, he's still at the dance.

Hey, this is actually kind of fun

when it's not your own mom.

Dip me, handsome.

Mm!

Hey, the lady came with me.

The sirens stopped. Where are the cops?

Your father said he'd take care of them Clincher style.

You're under arrest, Clinche.

Do I have the right to remain violent?

Yeah! Take that, you stupid pigs.

So, your mom didn't even yell at you?

Wow, she's pretty cool.

Well, I am grounded for the next eight months.

But when that's over, do you guys want

to come over and watch Keagan's Pond?

It's really good.

Ew, why would anyone watch a show from the '90s?

I love that dress, by the way.

Oh, this? Oh, thanks.

I've had it literally forever.

Pick up the pace, people.

I want everything you stole returned

by the end of the day.

Well, almost everything.

Ooh.

♪ Hungry eyes ♪

♪ I feel the magic between you and I. ♪

♪ I'm not gonna age 'cause I'll be young forever ♪

♪ I'll be in high school ♪

♪ For eternity ♪

♪ I'm not gonna age ♪

♪ And we'll always be together ♪

♪ In a sort of teenage purgatory ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da-da ♪

♪ Do-do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do ♪

♪ Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do ♪

♪ Do-do-do... ♪

Shh!