Original subtitles

Ladies, gentlemen and everyone in between,

it's the moment you've all been waiting for

because we have a culinary leg-end in our midst.

And we're very proud to have him as a brand ambassador.

Please fire up your hobs...

Best of luck, chef. Cheers, Jack-o.

..the only Mr Max King!

That aftershave should come with a health warning.

Well, welcome, maestro. Thank you, Colin.

Where's my wallet?

Well, I sent it off to get the moths removed, didn't I?

Well, at least my watch is still there.

Well, I wouldn't nick a fake, would I, 'ey?

Good afternoon, gastronomes.

If food it be the thing you love, let's cook off.

♪ I'm going on an adventure

♪ And I got a feeling The sun's gonna shine

♪ Shine, the sun's gonna shine

♪ I'm in love with the ocean

♪ And I got a feeling I'm sailing tonight

♪ Tonight, I'm sailing tonight

♪ It's because of you

♪ That I'll always remember

♪ I'm going on an adventure

♪ With you on my mind

♪ I'm going on an adventure

♪ With you on my mind. ♪

Carne de vinho d'alhos is a traditional Madeiran dish

generally enjoyed on the island at Christmas

but available all year round from the restaurant

in my very own rye Areyna vineyard.

I thought there was a no-booze clause in his contract.

Forget to mention that to him, Maria?

I'm his manager, not his lawyer.

We marinate the pork for three days in vinegar,

olive oil, bay leaves, paprika, garlic and, of course,

an exquisite bottle

of my very own vino de Madeira.

Also available to purchase from our winery at tomorrow's tour.

Now, as is the way with these things,

I have one that a minion prepared earlier.

Speaking of which,

we have a very special guest in today's audience,

my somewhat estranged wife, Eva,

who I like to call the tennis player

because to Eva, love means nothing.

I mean...

Yeah. That, I mean, along with Ronaldo's lunchbox,

is the very essence of Madeira.

I suppose I should mention that my son Joshy is here as well.

Twenty-five years of age. Still freeloading for all he is worth.

Hi, guys. Simmer down, sunshine.

Families?

Can't live with them. Can't strangle them in their beds.

Someone find this amusing?!

Did someone call for Mrs Overall?

Colin, old fruit.

You get mopping, and I'll, erm...

I'll crack on.

Right. Where were we?

"Brand ambassador", my backside.

People love the pratfalls. It's all part of the act.

Er, Jamil, my saviour.

Yeah, well, the act is wearing thin.

Ooh. Nice watch. It was a gift.

Definitely not a fake

My amazing manager is gonna put me on top again, aren't you, Maria?

That's the plan.

Podcast, new book, range of cookware.

Once we've sorted your tax.

- Ha. Stuff the tax man. - Drink, sir?

No, thank you. Don't waste your time, Jamil.

He's a fully paid-up misery of the temperance society.

Max, let him be.

Well, it's just a bit of bants, hey, son?

You enjoy the show? Did you say "endure"?

Well, I did wonder why you were here.

For Josh's sake.

He's desperate to spend more time with his dad.

Jack, do us a favour, my mate. Fire away.

Just try and keep the maestro sane and sober

on the wine tour tomorrow, will you?

Tall order, but I'll do my best. Thanks.

Max. Sorry. Can I...?

And will the fragrant Kate be joining us on the morrow?

I'm washing my socks.

Come on, Jack-o.

Can't you persuade this gorgeous creature

to forsake rinsing her smalls

and attend our little extravaganza of oenophilia?

Max.

You should come. Why? Might cheer you up.

I don't need cheering up, thank you very much.

Well, you've not exactly been a ray of sunshine

since Piers went RoboCop on you.

Not true.

You are normally our best brand ambassador,

but not since Piers beat you to that job.

That is complete rubbish.

I just thought it might be nice to spend the day together

without you-know-who lurking around every corner.

'We'd like to inform all passengers

'that the ship has now docked in Funchal,

'capital of the beautiful island of Madeira,

'famous for its friendly welcome, subtropical climate,

'lush botanical gardens and, of course,

'its delicious fortified wine.'

Come on, chums, this way. Follow me.

Gina Marques, my estate manager extraordinaire.

Mwah. Mwah. Senor King, too kind, as always.

Please, everyone, follow Gina for an exquisite taste of the true Madeira.

Welcome.

- Thanks. - Just head over there.

We need to talk dates.

Well, not now. Then when?

We're here to make money. Max, you promised me.

Look...

I'm glad you came.

I am.

Welcome to our cellar. The Marques family first...

Er... It, er... The unique process of wine production on the island

can be traced as far back as the 16th century.

17th.

Yes, I...

I think it was Churchill who said

that to drink aged Madeiran wine

is to drink liquid history.

He'll be history if he keeps drinking like that.

Did you know that the quality of the wine

was improved on voyages by the rocking motion of the sea?

Actually, it was due to the gentle heating of the sun.

See, look.

She'll be telling you that viniculture

has been in the Marques family for millennia next.

Just 300 years or so,

Senor Big Shot?

My father's 2018 Mio Secco scored 95 on the Parker scale.

Which I was planning on explaining at the wine tasting.

Shall we continue? Follow me.

Just ignore him. Come on.

Come this way.

Do you really think I have been a bit of a misery?

Hey. He's like a walking encyclopedia, is our Maxie, in't he?

..lengths the old Portuguese went to to protect their precious wine.

Remember, darlings, the five Ss.

See, swirl, sniff, sip and savour.

Everything that you taste today is available to buy

from our on-site wine shop.

Did you, erm...? Did you know that Max and his manager were together?

Randy old sod. No, I didn't.

Excuse me. Can I have a word with you?

Are you actually gonna spend any time with your son?

Not if he's gonna keep forcing his ideas on me.

Yeah, but you know the deal, Max. Yes. All right, all right.

Unless you want me to change my mind. No.

Mais vinho, por favor, Alfonso.

Is there a war on?

Whoa!

You're a gentleman, Jack.

Maybe make that your last one... old fruit.

Look, all he wants is a little bit of you to himself.

Well, you can have a little piece of me anytime you want.

Max. Talk to you later.

Well, cheer up, Joshy. Might never happen.

So, what did he say it was again?

"See, swirl, sniff, swig"? Sip.

Ha. Sod that.

And what happened to "savour"?

Hey, it's great, this five Ss lark.

Are you having a good time? Do you know what?

It's just nice not to have Piers breathing down my neck.

I thought we weren't going to mention the P word.

Where's Max?

He went to change his shirt, and I haven't seen him since.

For God's sake.

Well, we can't leave him here. He's got another demo tonight.

Max.

You down here, mate?

Max!

What are they saying?

He was stabbed with a corkscrew.

But there were no prints on it.

I heard Max arguing with his ex earlier.

What about? His son.

Who he obviously had massive issues with.

What about the girlfriend?

Maria was in his ear at the wine tasting. Yeah?

And there's no love lost between him and Gina Marques.

Talk about "form an orderly queue". Yeah, you're not kidding.

Ladies and gents, the police may need to talk to some of you again,

so please make yourselves available as and when.

Now, we will also be offering complimentary cocktails to everyone

in the Horizon Bar.

One drink per guest.

And this evening's entertainment in the Carousel Theatre

will be memories of a noughties warm-up act,

performed by our very own Colin Smallwood.

Whoo-whoo.

So, if any of you wanna find out what the Loose Women get up to

when the cameras stop rolling, come on down.

'Passengers are reminded that sail away is at 18:00 sharp.'

I'm gonna miss old Maxie.

I never understood what you liked about him.

You can't beat that old-school charm.

Well, if by "old-school charm"

you mean a self-centred, alcoholic misogynist, then, yeah.

Don't speak ill of the dead.

Jack, I'm surprised somebody's not killed him sooner, to be honest.

Kate, have you prepared the port-passage departure plan yet?

It's on my to-do list.

As long as it takes precedence over cracking crime.

For God's sake, Piers, the man's not even cold.

What is your problem?

Do you get some sort of kick out of minding Kate up?

Grow up.

Josh, I think you've had enough. No, you've had enough. Stop it.

Once more to the bar, dear friends

God.

Would you like a glass of water, Mr King?

Thank you, but leave him to me. He's overwrought.

I'm over what?

Everything all right? He's in shock.

How can you ignore your own flesh and blood for their whole life?

You know what that does to a person? Josh.

Josh.

It drives you bloody insane.

That's enough. He doesn't know what he's saying.

Come on, Josh, we're going. Thank you.

Come on.

Insane enough to murder your own father?

I just wanted to ask about Max's relationship with his son.

Erm, he left Eva when Josh was still a toddler.

I get the impression the lad's got more issues than Vogue.

Max couldn't stand how needy he was.

So, why did they show up on the cruise?

That... was his mother's idea.

She was desperate for Max to be a proper father to him.

Did Eva know you were sleeping with him?

You make it sound so cheap.

I'm just asking the question.

We were due to get married as soon as his divorce was finalised.

Still seemed to be quite close to her.

Yeah, well, he should have cut her off years ago,

but... some women,

they just... pathetically hang on, don't they?

Right.

Thanks.

Erm...

Gina Marques, she's nothing but trouble, either. Yeah?

That vineyard is a total money pit.

She was the bane of his life.

One. Two. One. Two.

Lime and soda?

I thought you might be thirsty.

Me fave. Thanks.

I love karaoke. Yeah, me, too.

Really? Yeah!

Hey, maybe we can form a duo at the next staff party?

I don't suppose you are a fan of Grease?

My God, favourite movie ever!

Well, maybe we could do...

..You Are The One I Want. Deal.

Blimey, Jamil.

If that tongue of yours was hanging any further out your mouth,

you could lick the decks clean. I, erm...

I don't know what you're talking about.

You've got the raging hots for our Cassie, have you?

No. Pull the other one, sunshine.

Well... Well, she is amazing, isn't she?

You can't just gawp at her.

I do try to talk to her, but... just... bleurgh.

Right. Follow me. Prepare to be amazed, guys.

Voila! The ace of hearts.

How do you do that?

It's like watching Paul Daniels reincarnated.

More like David Copperfield, I think you'll find.

No. Ooh, cheeky mare.

Anyway, our Jamil needs a lesson in seduction.

Aye, who's the lucky girl, then? Nobody.

Thought we could show him the ways of love.

Yeah. Come on, come on, let's do it.

OMG, what is that aftershave?

True Gigolo. Flash sale in Duty Free.

It is gorgeous.

Not unlike yourself.

Are you doing anything later?

Well... hopefully...

..you.

That's how you do it.

Have you seen this?

When Max bought the vineyard, there was a scandal

about the council diverting water away from a neighbouring land.

Two years later, the Marques Winery went bust.

After all those years.

That's how Gina and her dad ended up working for Max.

Her dad? Yep.

It's the old guy from the tasting. He went from big boss to a waiter.

That must've been hard to stomach.

Well, exactly. Maybe he couldn't.

And then, of course, Gina never got the chance

to inherit the firm from her dad.

Well, no wonder she was giving Max daggers on the tour.

She must have hated him. Yeah.

Also, they still live in the old farmhouse facing King's Vineyard.

Let's go.

That must be the Marques farmhouse. It's seen better days.

Right, do you want to go and talk to the old man? Yeah.

Great. I will go and talk to Gina. Pen.

Max showed up here 20 years ago...

full of empty promises.

He persuaded the council to sell him cheap land

and then bribed them to divert the water.

And you couldn't stop him?

Our vineyard was tiny. Money talks.

So, what happened?

We went bust after three centuries of winemaking.

So then how did you end up working for him?

This is my home. I had to stay for my father.

I mean, that must have been really, really difficult for you...

taking orders off the man that destroyed your business.

Beggars can't be choosers.

Hello?

Hello!

I mean, it looks like he left a lot of debt.

Max's spending was crazy.

Any money we made, he took straight back out.

So you were struggling.

He was running this place into the ground.

I mean, you must have despised him.

Not enough to kill him.

Can you account for your whereabouts at the time he was murdered?

I was flogging his second-rate wine to your half-pissed guests.

What about your father?

You'll have to ask him that.

What the hell are you doing in my house?

Pointing that thing at me isn't helping anyone.

Pai! Put the gun down.

Are you all right? Never better.

What are you doing here? I found this.

And the inscription on the back reads...

"To the king, from your queen."

Max's watch. How come this was in your house?

I don't know. But did you take it?

Of course he didn't!

Was it you?

Why would I steal a dead man's watch?

Good question.

We'll have to hand it over to the police.

We're not thieves.

Max King. He was a thief. Please get out of our house.

Could he have taken the watch as a trophy after he killed him?

You think a fella his age is even capable of attacking Max like that?

Well, he didn't seem to have a problem

with putting a shotgun in your face, did he?

No. He could barely pour a drink at the tasting.

Colin, how is guest morale

after the tragic demise of Mr King?

A bit low.

He was meant to be doing his Farm to Fork special tonight.

Can I have a private word?

Yeah, just make it quick.

It's a somewhat delicate matter.

Is this about my budgie smugglers?

That's a conversation for another day.

Cos I do reserve the right to wear what I want when I'm off duty.

It's not about your budgie smugglers.

All right, then. Well...

spit it out, as the bishop said to the actress.

Our...

..headline act's contract is up soon,

and I wondered if perhaps now is a good time

for you to consider refreshing your line-up.

You're asking me to sack Jack? No.

It's not a question of sacking, but maybe more...

All right, what's brought this on?

Our regular passengers expect some variety.

And I mean that in the old-fashioned sense.

Verschiedenheit.

A chance to mix things up a little.

Not the same tired old act.

Yeah, absolutely.

Saying goodbye to Jack would just be a natural part of that process.

Are you sure this isn't personal?

He's not exactly Frank Sinatra.

And you're not exactly Admiral Nelson.

You don't find his crooner shtick outdated?

Do you know, if I were you, Piers,

I'd concentrate on keeping the boat afloat

and leave the entertainment to the pros.

Are you celebrating something?

We're commemorating Max's passing with his favourite meal.

Thought you'd want to know.

His watch turned up at the Marques farmhouse.

What? The police have got it now.

So, whoever stole it killed him. Well, possibly.

You filed an insurance claim?

Here we go. We haven't even buried him yet.

Please - we're trying to remember my dad.

I don't remember Champagne being one of the five stages of grief.

Is this true?

Not the most dignified look, admittedly, but... needs must.

Enjoy your blood money.

Jack. Yeah?

Gina Marques has just texted.

The police have declared her father as an "arguido".

A what? A person of interest.

OK. Has he been arrested?

Well, yeah. She's asking for our help.

Let's go and see her, then. I can't. I'm due on the bridge.

You let me know how you get on, yeah?

Have the police produced any evidence other than the watch?

Max's manager. She has given a statement.

She said she saw my father getting out of the cellars

around the time of the murder.

She never mentioned that to us. I need your help.

My father is not a murderer.

How can you say for sure?

It's much more convenient for the local police

to put an old man in prison than a foreign tourist.

Meu pai e inocente. My father is innocent.

It's the police.

They say I can visit him now. I have to go.

Hey. Hey.

How did the karaoke go? It was brilliant.

I knew it would be, especially with you in charge.

Aw, thanks.

I haven't forgot about our duet, either.

Yeah. Me neither. It's a date.

Are you wearing new perfume? No.

It smells amazing. Erm...

But I'm not wearing any perfume.

I...

Well, you smell amazing anyway.

You're so lovely, Jamil.

Yeah? Yeah.

Is there any news on Mr King's death?

Yeah. I've been working the case with Jack.

Really?

Yeah, I help him investigate whenever there's a crime on board.

Me, Jack and Kate are like a crime-solving dream team.

Yes. Of course. I, er...

Actually, I'm off tonight,

so I thought maybe me and you could...

..investigate the crew bar.

Isn't it great the way Staff Captain de Vreese

personally takes new recruits through the lifeboat procedure?

That's so good to have someone like that in charge.

Do you know, Kate breaking off their engagement is just crazy to me.

It is? Yeah.

If he was my fiance, I'd hold on to him for dear life.

Right. He is, like, total dream husband materials.

Wouldn't know about that.

Anyway, what were you saying about the crew bar?

It doesn't matter.

Have a good day. You, too.

What have you got?

Colin sent me his video footage from the wine tasting.

I thought we could look through it together.

OK. How did it go with Gina? She was pretty desperate.

No surprise. But thanks for taking time out.

God. Anything that gets me away from Piers.

Here we go. What?

Nothing. No, no. Go on.

It's back to Piers again. What do you mean?

Sometimes, it feels like you only show up when you want to avoid him.

No, I don't.

Is it the only reason you're still playing "silly detectives"?

Of course not. I told you that I wanted to help.

Considering you've moved on,

you spend a lot of time talking about me.

Can we just watch the footage... please?

Yeah.

'We're here in the beautiful island of Madeira

'on a gorgeous little wine tour.

'And I'm here with some of our frequent flyers.'

There's Afonso, still serving wine.

There's Max AFTER he changed his shirt.

He's beckoning someone.

Now's not a good time.

I'm trying to work out how to repatriate Max's body.

When was the last time you saw him alive?

When Afonso Marques spilt wine down his shirt.

So, how do you explain this footage of you following him

out of the tasting and then putting a corkscrew inside your handbag

just before he was killed?

You can either talk to me or the police.

Your choice. I've already talked to the police.

I'm under no obligation to answer any of your questions.

I just want to find out the truth about your husband's death.

The corkscrew was for Josh. He wanted a souvenir of the day.

Very convenient.

Did you follow Max down to the cellars?

Yes. Why?

To talk in private. About what?

About us getting back together again.

Seriously?

Yeah... seriously.

Because... despite everything...

..I still loved him. So, what happened down there?

But, Max, you promised you'd make more of an effort with Josh.

And I will. Well, you better had.

Otherwise, I swear I'll walk away.

What, from the man who loves you more than Kobe beef

or matsutake mushrooms?

Shut up, Max.

To be continued.

'And that was it.'

I left him down there.

Did you give the corkscrew to Josh?

No. Why?

Because he was so upset over his dad's behaviour. He...

He got a taxi back to the ship before he was killed.

So, you still had the corkscrew when you were in the cellar with Max?

Yes.

Fortunately, I've still got it now.

Happy?

I checked the ship's CCTV, and Josh did come back here alone.

So, we can rule him out.

And my gut tells me the old man didn't do it.

He's on most of the footage serving guests till the time of the murder.

Why would he nick that watch? How did it go with Eva?

She admitted that she was in the cellar with Max.

But that's all? Well, claims that she left him down there.

Hey, look at this.

Colin filmed some guests leaving the vineyard.

Yeah, we've already seen that. But...

..look over the balcony.

Is that Maria? What is she doing down there?

Well, it looks like

she's coming from the direction of the Marques farmhouse.

Maria?

She's gone.

Yeah. Copy that. I've got eyes on her.

Hello, Miss Southall. Hi.

Are you off? Flying home, erm...

There's nothing here for me now.

Well, do you mind if my pals have a quick word before you go?

Where had you been in that footage?

Taking a look around the grounds. Why?

You must have seen the vineyard plenty of times.

So?

So you weren't at the Marques farmhouse?

Why would I go there?

Did you really see Afonso in the cellar?

I said so in my statement.

Or did you see Max and Eva?

No.

Max was relying on you for his comeback, wasn't he?

I just wanted to put him back where he belonged.

And the reward was spending the rest of your lives together.

That was the plan.

You bought Max that very expensive watch.

For his birthday. "For the king, from your queen."

You followed Eva down to the wine cellar.

And it must have killed you to hear they were planning to reconcile.

To be continued.

That he'd been using you all this time.

I thought I was your queen.

When you confronted him, did you mention the watch?

It's over, darling.

Did he give it back to you like it meant nothing to him?

Is that what pushed you over the edge?

That's just a fairy tale.

It means motive and opportunity.

And then you tried to frame the old man,

planting the watch in his kitchen.

Giving a statement to the police,

hoping they'd search the house and find it.

All because you couldn't have the man of your dreams.

Man of my dreams?

Max was a nightmare. But you loved him all the same.

We don't get to choose who we love.

You could have chosen not to murder him.

You don't have a scrap of evidence to prove any of this.

If it's true... the police will find your DNA at the farmhouse.

All they need is... a hair... a fibre.

Anything.

A confession now might help you in court.

Do you... have any idea...

..what it's like to dedicate...

..every waking hour to someone else's life?

To be promised... a future that never comes?

To realise that you have been living a big fat lie...

..while he's off making plans with someone else?

I gave that man... everything...

..and he threw it back in my face.

He deserved exactly what he got.

I'm sorry, Mum, but we're better off without him.

Come in.

Hi.

Frankie's filled in the local police.

Forensics are down at the farmhouse now. Great.

And I'm due on stage in a sec, so...

Yeah, I know. I, erm...

I just wanted to apologise...

..for banging on about Piers.

And, er...

And for using you as a glorified counsellor.

I'd just like to know where I stand, Kate.

I wish I could tell you.

Then tell me.

I can't.

What exactly is it? Jack...

It's just complicated.

I hear something uncomplicated.

You know where I am... if you want me.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

And have we got a treat for you this evening?

He's the voice that's launched a thousand ships.

Let's give it up for the irreplaceable Jack Grayling.

'She Drives Me Crazy'

♪ I can't stop

♪ The way I feel

♪ Things you do

♪ Don't seem so real

♪ Tell me what you've got in mind

♪ Cos we're running out of time

♪ Won't you ever set me free?

♪ This waiting round's killing me

♪ She drives me crazy Hoo-hoo

♪ Like no-one else

♪ Hoo-hoo She drives me crazy

♪ And I can't help myself

♪ Hoo-hoo I can't get

♪ Any rest, yeah

♪ People say

♪ That I'm obsessed

♪ Everything you say is lies

♪ But to me, there's no surprise

♪ What I had for you was true

♪ Things go wrong, they always do

♪ She drives me crazy

♪ Hoo-hoo

♪ Like no-one else Hoo-hoo

♪ She drives me crazy

♪ And I can't help myself

♪ Hoo-hoo

♪ I won't make it

♪ On my own

♪ No-one likes

♪ To be alone

♪ Cos she drives me crazy

♪ Hoo-hoo Like no-one else

♪ Hoo-hoo She drives me crazy

♪ And I can't help myself

♪ Hoo-hoo. ♪

'Ladies and gentlemen, we have just arrived

'on the jaw-droppingly beautiful island of Gozo.'

That's Tony Tong. Over two million followers online.

The Tony Tong's of this world know exactly what they want,

and they go out and get it.

You can't just go around planting kisses on people.

I can't believe we're at a Tony Tong party.

Just stay out of trouble.

What are you doing here in your charity shop dress?

I said don't talk to people like that!

Hey-hey-hey!

Passengers will be desperate to know why the cabin boy is in the clink.

I'm gonna get you out. I swear.

♪ You thought you'd run away now

♪ From the troubles in your life

♪ And watch a new horizon

♪ In the sky

♪ But now the truth's caught up

♪ With you forever

♪ It's waiting for you

♪ In the deep blue. ♪